"It's not like I'm trusting for a parking spot next to the church, but trusting Him with my life." My brother is quotable what a great nugget this one is. This quote speaks to his reassurance in God's faithfulness and provision for his family. Since God can grant that parking spot (should He want), He's totally motivated by Olivier's relyance -no doubt. As he enters fatherhood and endures probably the biggest career search of his life.
Olivier's love for God oozes forth and changes the people in his life. Aside from his wife, I think I've been touched by him the most. Conforming to Christ changed him immensly. The light he shares impressed upon me the eternal truth of Jesus as messiah. It's all God's glory; but it is in large part, Olivier's willingness to share it. To me, since Christ calls us to brotherly and sisterly love, I aspire to what my brother puts forth as an example. His brotherly love planted the seeds of the Lord in my mind long before I surrendered to Jesus.
Olivier wanted me to know Christ's saving grace so badly and immediatly. He pointed out how condemnation is clear due to my sinful ways. Back then I was totally unapologetic for my sins. Even when severe Demonic possesion (schizophrenia) entered my life for a time. He prayed over me asking for the healing power of the Holy Spirit. This proves that Olivier believes in God's sovereignty and miracles. He prayed at my apartment and linked countless people behind the effort of praying for my sanity, well-being and redemption. He was so very scared at what the Devil had done to me (as you can imagine) but God brought him out of fear and eventually into joy. Olivier and his wife chose to pray for my salvation daily and seven years later...
The Holy Spirit moved in me and Jesus Christ scooped me up and reveiled all the deception and brain-washing of Satan. I was lied to about philosophy, society, love, destiny, individuality just to name some major ones. My life was without worth and I was very weak. Jesus took the burden, broken bits and misery of what my life had become in prayer, on November 10, 2006. The regeneration of the Holy Spirit grew at a pace that fortified my faith -as only God could. My prayers were soaked in tears. I felt so duped, lied to by almost everyone save Olivier. For the first month or two I felt like I was at the bottom of a well: I was the only believer I knew except my brother.
The Bible is a wonderland of God's likeness; it helped me get out of the well. Christs body on earth, once inside really isn't as crippled as some make it out to be. I see people hungery to hear the works of God in the lives of others. They also taught me ways to jump out of the well and walk in Christ. Trusting Jesus with every burden is the best! I no longer have to hold feelings in or try to control my circumstances. God is here to help me: to guide, provide and encourage me to be a brother to all.
I know for certain that I am special in the eyes of God and all I had to do was to give my faith to Jesus. Out of that comes freedom from sin, and lessons of the Holy Spirit. Lets keep in mind that I was still very stuck in addictions. I'd sit and have a beer and a cigarette and be alright knowing that God was going to lead me away from both some day. Satan used addictions to numb my emotions and lessen my conciousness of absolute truth being in Jesus. In me was this way overdue call to repent, to feel bad about my life choices. I cry, when I choose temptation over wisdom. In a years time, I have given all of my addicting habits to the bloodshed of Jesus on the cross. God's grace gave me freedom from hard sins I thought I'ed do till I died. The Holy Spirit has held me when I stumbled, righteousness keeps me going forward after confessing to Jesus.
In dedicating this faith anniversary to God and the works He is doing in me; I just want to recognize Olivier for his role in bringing me to know the sweet salvation in obeying Jesus. As an unbeliever I always had an open heart for what thoughts Olivier had about my life and even when he would send me Christian CD's I'd roll my eyes and give it a listen. Now, I'm starting to get a picture of longing he endured as he saw my life unravel during the seven years. I don't know if he's brought others to know a personal relationship with Christ, but he sure did that for me. What love to bring a lost soul to Jesus and say: "Please have your way with him/her. Reconsider this person's life as you have mine Jesus."
Monday, October 29, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Undercover brother in Christ
Over the weekend I left my G2 pen in my work shirt breast pocket. What a great pen that G2: plastic encasing, spring mounted clicker, rubber grip, gel ink, I even remember writing a paper in college about how superior the Bic G2 pen was amongst all the pens. Anyways, all my work shirts fall in the "whites with bleach wash" on the hot water cycle, and fast spin. After the wash, come to find: I've stained my five white work shirts with black ink. After the initial shock, I imagined the consequences and play them out in my head.
Boy is this a sign of things to come. Should I quit the retail security feild? Is God telling me to check every pocket of my clothes when I do the laundry? Like my mom used to do growing up. Clumsy, careless, and hurried that's what I think happened. The transformation of my life into the image of Christ is like me using a map and a compass to get somewhere versus using GPS in a car. God's ways are often clear, shorter and more rewarding then relying on my own understanding. In becoming a believer I've learned that God's will often comes to me:
As I prepaired to go to work in my shiny leather shoes, pressed navy blue pants and white cotton undershirt; I get a call from my boss. He orders me to get to work in street clothes because I'm training as an undercover today. How timely considering my shirts. Well God be praised, I got promoted without interview, inquiry or doubt in my boss' mind. This is no little promotion either. Half of my hourly wage got added onto what I was making hourly. What a blessing after 31/2 years of no promotion. Now in the span of six months I've recieved two. This is a testament to the regeneration of the Holy Spirit. The Bible verse EPH2:10 best sums up the victory in my life that comes in obeying God's call to draw me near.
What a whopper, make that a double whopper with cheese. I get to go to work in sweats, dye my hair green or perhaps where a suit and tie while sporting a breifcase. What an unforseen thing. -Enter now the responsibility, I have a position of authority. Romans 13 describes well what that means. This job won't work unless my every effort and willingness is aparent. I have four people under me that need to react instantly to what I say in crisis or unpopularity. To make it even harder, some of the people I'm the leader of wanted my position and find it puzzling (unmerited) that I got it.
Now comes the change in my duties. As a door security guard making your presence known is imperative. It was quite comical yesterday, the amount of times I blew my cover because I said hello to a co-worker passing by forgetting that I'm not in uniform. Neither am I to make eye contact with anyone on the sales floor. I have been called to use the power of observation combined with strict obediance to company policy to catch theifs. There's no room for grey in these decisions, and many prerequisits exist. I could loose my job overnight if I make a decision that would falsely accuse someone. All that job security of working retail seems suspended.
Praying for God to work things out in my department at work gave way to this. I didn't think it would involve me so actively. Asking the Holy Spirit of Jesus to cast out the evil influences that tempted me happened too. Now I am asked to regroup my department, define unacceptable conduct and hold accountability to people's work performance while showing Christ's love. No more cracking dice in the office or ogling after women with the camera.
Lets not ignore the fact that I need to be in a committed physical workout routine due to the physical altercations. I'm Bi-Polar too so when the manic errupts, how do I control that? God's working that out of me, I just need to remember the warning signs. Because the adrenaline is amped during an apprehension I've assisted on many with only one who resisted. The removal of fear is imperative, to transfer all that fear away from the circumstance leaving it on the cross that alone Christ resurrected from: So only God's will protects my life (harmed or unharmed). Therefore viewing the fear of God reverantly, with absolute certainty that He will and has overcome all evil circumstance. -Without that I'm scared of martial artists, theives stacked with muscle, doped-up trouble makers, or kids that gang-up and bite.
I pray for spiritual armor too. Like the Ephesians book describes. I worship and obey Jesus Christ. Righteousness is my breastplate, I use the belt of truth, helmet of salvation, I got the sheild of faith and feet for sharing the word of peace. My boss however, thinks that I (a Christian), dwell on the inherant goodness of people and that I'm not able to recognize a liar. The second one is generally true. In response to the first comment: I'm called to be a light of the Gospel and to be known by Christ's love. I don't see Christ's love in unbelievers though I try and love them. Even in the body of Christ on earth what makes me trust someone's a believer? There's not usually an outward sign.
I don't know how God will use me. What my boss might not consider is that I believe that all have fallen short because of sin and are wretched and doomed without Salvation from Jesus. I don't therefore believe in any inherant goodness in people. So to believe that anyone is capable of stealing is true. Satan spikes his demons to evoke theft in humans especially because of our materialistically hungry society. Its when Christians I know and have touched me come in to shop that my guard might be unknowingly lowered. So that will be a challenge. I ask for prayer that I grow to hate the sins of stealing/coveting/fraud/assult/kidnapping/sexual harrasment/stalking/vandalism; but choose Christ's example of loving the sinner to render me fit to do a great job and be a successful leader. I look to be stout in policy and firm in Jesus unable to bring judgement or revenge.
Boy is this a sign of things to come. Should I quit the retail security feild? Is God telling me to check every pocket of my clothes when I do the laundry? Like my mom used to do growing up. Clumsy, careless, and hurried that's what I think happened. The transformation of my life into the image of Christ is like me using a map and a compass to get somewhere versus using GPS in a car. God's ways are often clear, shorter and more rewarding then relying on my own understanding. In becoming a believer I've learned that God's will often comes to me:
As I prepaired to go to work in my shiny leather shoes, pressed navy blue pants and white cotton undershirt; I get a call from my boss. He orders me to get to work in street clothes because I'm training as an undercover today. How timely considering my shirts. Well God be praised, I got promoted without interview, inquiry or doubt in my boss' mind. This is no little promotion either. Half of my hourly wage got added onto what I was making hourly. What a blessing after 31/2 years of no promotion. Now in the span of six months I've recieved two. This is a testament to the regeneration of the Holy Spirit. The Bible verse EPH2:10 best sums up the victory in my life that comes in obeying God's call to draw me near.
What a whopper, make that a double whopper with cheese. I get to go to work in sweats, dye my hair green or perhaps where a suit and tie while sporting a breifcase. What an unforseen thing. -Enter now the responsibility, I have a position of authority. Romans 13 describes well what that means. This job won't work unless my every effort and willingness is aparent. I have four people under me that need to react instantly to what I say in crisis or unpopularity. To make it even harder, some of the people I'm the leader of wanted my position and find it puzzling (unmerited) that I got it.
Now comes the change in my duties. As a door security guard making your presence known is imperative. It was quite comical yesterday, the amount of times I blew my cover because I said hello to a co-worker passing by forgetting that I'm not in uniform. Neither am I to make eye contact with anyone on the sales floor. I have been called to use the power of observation combined with strict obediance to company policy to catch theifs. There's no room for grey in these decisions, and many prerequisits exist. I could loose my job overnight if I make a decision that would falsely accuse someone. All that job security of working retail seems suspended.
Praying for God to work things out in my department at work gave way to this. I didn't think it would involve me so actively. Asking the Holy Spirit of Jesus to cast out the evil influences that tempted me happened too. Now I am asked to regroup my department, define unacceptable conduct and hold accountability to people's work performance while showing Christ's love. No more cracking dice in the office or ogling after women with the camera.
Lets not ignore the fact that I need to be in a committed physical workout routine due to the physical altercations. I'm Bi-Polar too so when the manic errupts, how do I control that? God's working that out of me, I just need to remember the warning signs. Because the adrenaline is amped during an apprehension I've assisted on many with only one who resisted. The removal of fear is imperative, to transfer all that fear away from the circumstance leaving it on the cross that alone Christ resurrected from: So only God's will protects my life (harmed or unharmed). Therefore viewing the fear of God reverantly, with absolute certainty that He will and has overcome all evil circumstance. -Without that I'm scared of martial artists, theives stacked with muscle, doped-up trouble makers, or kids that gang-up and bite.
I pray for spiritual armor too. Like the Ephesians book describes. I worship and obey Jesus Christ. Righteousness is my breastplate, I use the belt of truth, helmet of salvation, I got the sheild of faith and feet for sharing the word of peace. My boss however, thinks that I (a Christian), dwell on the inherant goodness of people and that I'm not able to recognize a liar. The second one is generally true. In response to the first comment: I'm called to be a light of the Gospel and to be known by Christ's love. I don't see Christ's love in unbelievers though I try and love them. Even in the body of Christ on earth what makes me trust someone's a believer? There's not usually an outward sign.
I don't know how God will use me. What my boss might not consider is that I believe that all have fallen short because of sin and are wretched and doomed without Salvation from Jesus. I don't therefore believe in any inherant goodness in people. So to believe that anyone is capable of stealing is true. Satan spikes his demons to evoke theft in humans especially because of our materialistically hungry society. Its when Christians I know and have touched me come in to shop that my guard might be unknowingly lowered. So that will be a challenge. I ask for prayer that I grow to hate the sins of stealing/coveting/fraud/assult/kidnapping/sexual harrasment/stalking/vandalism; but choose Christ's example of loving the sinner to render me fit to do a great job and be a successful leader. I look to be stout in policy and firm in Jesus unable to bring judgement or revenge.
Love burdened by temptation: will friends survive?
I've been facing temptation at work because I share brotherly love with my assistant manager. He taught me all there is to know about being a security guard. We were not good at catching theives because we were friends for years. Once I became a believer our friendship changed, he respected the path I took and continued on his. We are side by side at work constantly. This was very hard for me to pray about and face as an evil problem in my life.
Instead of theives, he would zoom the camera on women shopping and ask me if I would sleep with them. I too found myself searching with the camera willingly. Cussing would be common for him, as I noticed some from me from time to time. We would get drunk often after work, chill out, talk about materialistic things or sports. We developed a language that only we could understand and my sense of humor dipped way below morality to try and make my friend laugh. He loved rolling dice for dollars. Why did I love this guy? He did help me get the job. Constantly, we would bet against each other, play tennis and on occasion I would bring Jesus Christ into our conversations. He always had an ear for it, things Jesus to be the truth even, and someday wants to be saved and trust Christ but he just doesn't want to do it now.
It took me a while to realize how serious his influence was on my faith life, and drinking problem. I'm playing with temptations because I liked being around him. I don't admire him, or want to be like him. I just like his approval and comments. At times I think Satan made me believe that I was bringing him the light. How could I when I'm not casting down the onslaught of temptation? I'm there dipping into evil as if I wasn't anointed by God. But I am, so I prayed. Others prayed too, in time I was able to quit drinking (something I thought to be too powerful), lusting was shot down by tell him "No" without look at the woman zoomed in. Quitting betting was easy because he always won. This continued until last week when he got approved to move to the sales floor as a leader and make some serious money something that he constantly was driven by. I felt that God was answering my prayers. Not to get him out of my life, but to place boundaries around our friendship where only the life-giving healthy activities reside. Like tennis, chess and talking about family. God is good and my problem when brought to Jesus in prayer felt like the single sheep who wandered from the herd. The shepard leaves the herd to find the one. I'm left wondering what becomes of my love for my friend.
Instead of theives, he would zoom the camera on women shopping and ask me if I would sleep with them. I too found myself searching with the camera willingly. Cussing would be common for him, as I noticed some from me from time to time. We would get drunk often after work, chill out, talk about materialistic things or sports. We developed a language that only we could understand and my sense of humor dipped way below morality to try and make my friend laugh. He loved rolling dice for dollars. Why did I love this guy? He did help me get the job. Constantly, we would bet against each other, play tennis and on occasion I would bring Jesus Christ into our conversations. He always had an ear for it, things Jesus to be the truth even, and someday wants to be saved and trust Christ but he just doesn't want to do it now.
It took me a while to realize how serious his influence was on my faith life, and drinking problem. I'm playing with temptations because I liked being around him. I don't admire him, or want to be like him. I just like his approval and comments. At times I think Satan made me believe that I was bringing him the light. How could I when I'm not casting down the onslaught of temptation? I'm there dipping into evil as if I wasn't anointed by God. But I am, so I prayed. Others prayed too, in time I was able to quit drinking (something I thought to be too powerful), lusting was shot down by tell him "No" without look at the woman zoomed in. Quitting betting was easy because he always won. This continued until last week when he got approved to move to the sales floor as a leader and make some serious money something that he constantly was driven by. I felt that God was answering my prayers. Not to get him out of my life, but to place boundaries around our friendship where only the life-giving healthy activities reside. Like tennis, chess and talking about family. God is good and my problem when brought to Jesus in prayer felt like the single sheep who wandered from the herd. The shepard leaves the herd to find the one. I'm left wondering what becomes of my love for my friend.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Prolonging excitement in relationships
Staying excited in relationships can be hard at times. Why is the average contemporary relationship fleeding? The appeal is pyhsically gratifying, emotionally intense and spiritually explicit. Then excitement slows down, comfort peaks, and promises are compromiseable. In the words of B.B. King "The thrill is gone. And now that its all over, all I can do is wish you well."
Then the average person starts cycle again, no hard feelings babe. "Hook-ups" are common practice in my generation. My co-worker that I was attracted to said: "Yeah I'm at the place in life where I just want to have fun and not be serious with dating." I remained quiet as my attraction faded. To ask her out seemed like a hollow temptation from Satan. I'm not in a place where I want to have "fun". What she was subtly suggesting is something that I've done once and thankfully nevermore. My pear shaped body is too second rate for hook-ups. More importantly though that was a sin against God, the women and my future wife. All of this was in the darkness of my past before forgiveness in Jesus.
Being involved with obeying Jesus and constantly trying to improve our relationship has made me a little spent of excitement. God is working His side of the relationship with mercy and grace. He places me with people who love Him and in turn they show love to me. Knowing Christians is an awesome part of my relationship with the Lord. I'm approaching my first anniversary in our relationship and I wanted to declare that: following Jesus is not a phase. Some may have thought, given my history that I'ed move onto another deity to worship.
The love of Jesus has surpassed and fulfilled the Old Testament law as He was the final sacrafice for our atonement (I learned that in church today). Christ's offer of salvation, once realized in me, has made me love the true God, others and myself. Love is starting to surface naturally, willingly. God first, and only then does the Holy Spirit elevate my relationships with women (out of the physical) to become pleasing in the light of Christ. The thing keeping me from being the most eligible Christian bachelor in southwest Denver is the last part of what it means to have Jesus alive in me: self love. At one point my entire sense of humor was based on self-mockery. I have so many subconcious remarks to this day that would make people think that I don't love myself. This is very deep rooted and partially due to my understanding of Catholicism at a young age. Thankfully I'm getting over the approval seeking, the comparing and the long standing "I don't care." feeling. Focusing on Jesus makes His victory in my life awesome. I wake up feeling good about myself freed from my past addictions and attitudes.
The kicker is this: dating a Christian woman will be totally new. Its a relationship built on trusting and glorifying God to death and eternity. I'm all about what He prescribes in the Bible as acceptable dynamics to courting, touching and promising to another. Christ will be the epi-center of two becoming one. The further I get from lust and co. (temptation and its familiar patterns), while alone, the more confident I will be in abstaining and asking a women to be my wife.
This thinking is so backwards to the world and its hook-ups. I can anticipate God's holy plan for my future as His child. What pains me about the wait is how unbelievers think its just plain crazy to save yourself. Beliefs aside, I think abstinence is a sign of admiration for the spouse and character building. Enough about all this, it has just been on my heart because in loving others I have grown feelings for women anew. I feel I can't do anything about it at this juncture, except to repent from lust, count on God's will and pray for guidance/signs. I'm really excitable about a lover and so to not be decieved by my emotions or temptations: I'm gonna keep on learning about Jesus and His will for my entire future.
Then the average person starts cycle again, no hard feelings babe. "Hook-ups" are common practice in my generation. My co-worker that I was attracted to said: "Yeah I'm at the place in life where I just want to have fun and not be serious with dating." I remained quiet as my attraction faded. To ask her out seemed like a hollow temptation from Satan. I'm not in a place where I want to have "fun". What she was subtly suggesting is something that I've done once and thankfully nevermore. My pear shaped body is too second rate for hook-ups. More importantly though that was a sin against God, the women and my future wife. All of this was in the darkness of my past before forgiveness in Jesus.
Being involved with obeying Jesus and constantly trying to improve our relationship has made me a little spent of excitement. God is working His side of the relationship with mercy and grace. He places me with people who love Him and in turn they show love to me. Knowing Christians is an awesome part of my relationship with the Lord. I'm approaching my first anniversary in our relationship and I wanted to declare that: following Jesus is not a phase. Some may have thought, given my history that I'ed move onto another deity to worship.
The love of Jesus has surpassed and fulfilled the Old Testament law as He was the final sacrafice for our atonement (I learned that in church today). Christ's offer of salvation, once realized in me, has made me love the true God, others and myself. Love is starting to surface naturally, willingly. God first, and only then does the Holy Spirit elevate my relationships with women (out of the physical) to become pleasing in the light of Christ. The thing keeping me from being the most eligible Christian bachelor in southwest Denver is the last part of what it means to have Jesus alive in me: self love. At one point my entire sense of humor was based on self-mockery. I have so many subconcious remarks to this day that would make people think that I don't love myself. This is very deep rooted and partially due to my understanding of Catholicism at a young age. Thankfully I'm getting over the approval seeking, the comparing and the long standing "I don't care." feeling. Focusing on Jesus makes His victory in my life awesome. I wake up feeling good about myself freed from my past addictions and attitudes.
The kicker is this: dating a Christian woman will be totally new. Its a relationship built on trusting and glorifying God to death and eternity. I'm all about what He prescribes in the Bible as acceptable dynamics to courting, touching and promising to another. Christ will be the epi-center of two becoming one. The further I get from lust and co. (temptation and its familiar patterns), while alone, the more confident I will be in abstaining and asking a women to be my wife.
This thinking is so backwards to the world and its hook-ups. I can anticipate God's holy plan for my future as His child. What pains me about the wait is how unbelievers think its just plain crazy to save yourself. Beliefs aside, I think abstinence is a sign of admiration for the spouse and character building. Enough about all this, it has just been on my heart because in loving others I have grown feelings for women anew. I feel I can't do anything about it at this juncture, except to repent from lust, count on God's will and pray for guidance/signs. I'm really excitable about a lover and so to not be decieved by my emotions or temptations: I'm gonna keep on learning about Jesus and His will for my entire future.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Soil, sun +soak. First things first 'aight.
God has showed me that faith can go very far. Past all addictions, further than my understanding, and into the finishline of eternity. Jesus has given me more access to Him than I know what to do with. This last week I decided to try to devote a 45 minute time to praying and the Gospel before I leave my apartment. I was skeptical thinking that prayer is prayer no matter the time of day. But honestly I have felt differently all week. Working has been focused and diligent. Where usually its not. Talking to others about Christ convicts why I believe.
Tears of my testamony surfaced as I retold it to others. Anger and pride got traded for forgiveness and asking for forgiveness. For example, I'm training a couple "G's" from Cali, (not thugs but playaz). Historically I was a sort of social chameleon adapting my speech and comments to the person I was talking to. So these guys really tempted me to float onto relatable topics, thus trading my level of trainer. The Holy Spirit nudged me to remember that a position of authority has accountability. Who was I to conform to them? Be loving sure, but not approval seeking. So that was an unexpected victory.
How about consecutive days where the presence of the Lord in my life is so emotive that I'm removed from familiar sin. To be delighted with joy! Look-out, What a glorious God I serve. Faith in Jesus transcends my emotions, it is more than a feeling. Many of my sins were sins of passion to self-cure my emotions, that was the mode of operations for big Nic. Christ within is deeper, than the M.O. The Holy Spirit is the regeneration within. Teaching me and challenging me to chameleon Jesus (if you follow). Jesus was tempted harder than anyone ever for empathetic reasons and high preist status. He never sinned because his faith was in God the father and His plan. During those "silent years" I bet Jesus got into the scriptures like a lover courting their spouse. "We're His bride." That can be pretty emotional when focused upon in light of His perfection covering my past.
I'm on a roll with this morning devotion time, in the last 11+1/2 months as believer I've prayed and joined many community groups to grow in my faith. Church is huge in ministry but overlooking at times one-on-one worship of Jesus. (Its super sweet) My first action all week long was to focus on the perfect, immense love of Jesus saving His bride and being brought to glory for eternity because He obeyed the plans of His father. God's grace regrows me in Holy Spirit soil. Mornings are a time of hoping in the provision of the Lord, obeying like Jesus did and trusting the Holy Spirit to be God's will and time for me.
Tears of my testamony surfaced as I retold it to others. Anger and pride got traded for forgiveness and asking for forgiveness. For example, I'm training a couple "G's" from Cali, (not thugs but playaz). Historically I was a sort of social chameleon adapting my speech and comments to the person I was talking to. So these guys really tempted me to float onto relatable topics, thus trading my level of trainer. The Holy Spirit nudged me to remember that a position of authority has accountability. Who was I to conform to them? Be loving sure, but not approval seeking. So that was an unexpected victory.
How about consecutive days where the presence of the Lord in my life is so emotive that I'm removed from familiar sin. To be delighted with joy! Look-out, What a glorious God I serve. Faith in Jesus transcends my emotions, it is more than a feeling. Many of my sins were sins of passion to self-cure my emotions, that was the mode of operations for big Nic. Christ within is deeper, than the M.O. The Holy Spirit is the regeneration within. Teaching me and challenging me to chameleon Jesus (if you follow). Jesus was tempted harder than anyone ever for empathetic reasons and high preist status. He never sinned because his faith was in God the father and His plan. During those "silent years" I bet Jesus got into the scriptures like a lover courting their spouse. "We're His bride." That can be pretty emotional when focused upon in light of His perfection covering my past.
I'm on a roll with this morning devotion time, in the last 11+1/2 months as believer I've prayed and joined many community groups to grow in my faith. Church is huge in ministry but overlooking at times one-on-one worship of Jesus. (Its super sweet) My first action all week long was to focus on the perfect, immense love of Jesus saving His bride and being brought to glory for eternity because He obeyed the plans of His father. God's grace regrows me in Holy Spirit soil. Mornings are a time of hoping in the provision of the Lord, obeying like Jesus did and trusting the Holy Spirit to be God's will and time for me.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
"Fame, I'm gonna live forever." -In Christ, not works
In becoming a willing worshiper of Jesus Christ, I have not only broken addictions that have overpowered me but also I've found a way to seek God's will instead of mine. I anticipated the aid and help of the Holy Spirit, the suprising secretion in becoming a believer was that I experianced an enormous amount of hindsight on who I was (or tried become). Its like I'm fifty looking back at the way I lived my life and the time wasted persuing approval. Now i even face things I intentionally avoided like diligence.
So I have noticed that I had a very covert way of wanting to be famous. Not like superstar famous, but like highly regarded by peers in the art world famous. I've never admitted this publically its rather egotistical. In light of starting work for this script; I've referanced back to when I last did one and why. I glimpsed back (Restaurant Wars and Martin's Proverbs) in referencing them I really seemed to have this point of view that went out of its way to be unique, funny, and critical. I weighed down dialog with philosophy too much. I mixed reality/personal experiance with fantasy. I assumed lots about religions and cultures that I knew little about. I believed in a subjective truth, "to each his own" that's why we are different. The stout reality of these ideas lead me to insanity. Really, I thought I had a shot at being famous from this endeavouring. God has me to form now and thankfully my mind is included.
I noticed this fame thing fully after I made a goof in my young adult group's prayer time. There's about twenty of us and the leader was instructing us on prayer. I figured it was the regular share out loud if you feel moved to -but I didn't listen. The leader selected someone to start and she said "I'll finish." So the opener said a prayer, then... there was, -silence... a good 60-90 seconds of it. So I went ahead and voiced my intensions. Then nothing after me... -my mind was racing: "someone else please speak, say a prayer, anything... for like three minutes there was silence. They were very long minutes. I couldn't quiet my brain to pray in silence. I was just hoping someone would let me off the hook and speak. Well the leader closed, no one mentioned a thing. Maybe they thought I was super compelled to pray out loud.
I roll-played their reactions in my head (so it wasn't even real). Am I hinging my emotional well being to what others will say and do. Was my prayer a prayer? Is spiritual pride surfacing? Quite simply why was I so embarassed?
Reading script books has been reaffirming of this issue. They insist on the starting point of scripts to be two things: define your theme and who is your audience. It is only in trusting aid of the Holy Spirit that I can write away from this fame factor. This approval seeking ahead of God seeking is like a straw bridge bound to fail. Since I've already tried that maybe its time I find the other path in Christ as a writer for His glory. God will find His ways to encourage me.
I used to write to famous people and hope they respond, especially when I was mentally ill. I think the culture and society I grew up in poisoned me to do this. My grandma needs to hear from me -not Dustin Hoffman. Although my motives remain foggy, I'm sure I'm not the only one with misplaced obcessions of fame. Overexposure to this non-reality: Pop culture, bastardizes the brain. It has been Satan tricking me and telling me to chill, its the way of the world. I saw a doc. on Mother Theresa and she evaluated poverty in america as being the worste kind. The contition of the poor person in the U.S.A. can't measure up to the norms of the American Dream. Around everywhere is riches and success, neighbors live it up, as the poor are alienated and ignored. Poverty here eats away to despare much faster than entire countries being poor. That was a mild synopsis from seeing that years ago.
So I have noticed that I had a very covert way of wanting to be famous. Not like superstar famous, but like highly regarded by peers in the art world famous. I've never admitted this publically its rather egotistical. In light of starting work for this script; I've referanced back to when I last did one and why. I glimpsed back (Restaurant Wars and Martin's Proverbs) in referencing them I really seemed to have this point of view that went out of its way to be unique, funny, and critical. I weighed down dialog with philosophy too much. I mixed reality/personal experiance with fantasy. I assumed lots about religions and cultures that I knew little about. I believed in a subjective truth, "to each his own" that's why we are different. The stout reality of these ideas lead me to insanity. Really, I thought I had a shot at being famous from this endeavouring. God has me to form now and thankfully my mind is included.
I noticed this fame thing fully after I made a goof in my young adult group's prayer time. There's about twenty of us and the leader was instructing us on prayer. I figured it was the regular share out loud if you feel moved to -but I didn't listen. The leader selected someone to start and she said "I'll finish." So the opener said a prayer, then... there was, -silence... a good 60-90 seconds of it. So I went ahead and voiced my intensions. Then nothing after me... -my mind was racing: "someone else please speak, say a prayer, anything... for like three minutes there was silence. They were very long minutes. I couldn't quiet my brain to pray in silence. I was just hoping someone would let me off the hook and speak. Well the leader closed, no one mentioned a thing. Maybe they thought I was super compelled to pray out loud.
I roll-played their reactions in my head (so it wasn't even real). Am I hinging my emotional well being to what others will say and do. Was my prayer a prayer? Is spiritual pride surfacing? Quite simply why was I so embarassed?
Reading script books has been reaffirming of this issue. They insist on the starting point of scripts to be two things: define your theme and who is your audience. It is only in trusting aid of the Holy Spirit that I can write away from this fame factor. This approval seeking ahead of God seeking is like a straw bridge bound to fail. Since I've already tried that maybe its time I find the other path in Christ as a writer for His glory. God will find His ways to encourage me.
I used to write to famous people and hope they respond, especially when I was mentally ill. I think the culture and society I grew up in poisoned me to do this. My grandma needs to hear from me -not Dustin Hoffman. Although my motives remain foggy, I'm sure I'm not the only one with misplaced obcessions of fame. Overexposure to this non-reality: Pop culture, bastardizes the brain. It has been Satan tricking me and telling me to chill, its the way of the world. I saw a doc. on Mother Theresa and she evaluated poverty in america as being the worste kind. The contition of the poor person in the U.S.A. can't measure up to the norms of the American Dream. Around everywhere is riches and success, neighbors live it up, as the poor are alienated and ignored. Poverty here eats away to despare much faster than entire countries being poor. That was a mild synopsis from seeing that years ago.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Excuses, Excuses, Excuses -no more!
Funny how God plans and forsees my life better than me. That's a definate indicator of how big He is and how little my place in Him is. Not to be discouraged, because its there, that my life functions as a member of the Body of Christ. And I've been so busy cutting out things, adding things and asking things for my life.
Well it seems that His will brought me to my testamony once more. I'm going to assemble the story of my redemption coupled with the elements in my life preceeding Christs' gift of salvation. This means opening up the writings i did while in mental hospitals. This means revisiting the events and the thought processes that yeilded my own will to the Devil (unknowingly). The false prophetic views I had will be exposed. The symbols I chose to create to find meaning will be there too.
I take peace in knowing that I am a child of God now. That the absolute truth (for all seekers) is the Bible. I just ask for prayer as this will take a large amount of time. I am five years out of having written any major project. This process it no different than a sculptor looking at a rock and percisely imagining the finished statue. First comes measurements, color choices, and assembling tools. Then imprints of what is wanted, work, perfecting imperfections and voila.
Structuring techniques, Character development, conflict, and themes are the first few steps. Even before that, making time in my life for this is important as I am rusty to write in this format. Believing in the project is another. Not letting pride and Satan take control of the work.
Its a creative retelling what I endured outside of trusting Christ. So Jesus will get all the glory after showing the depths of darkness I was in. I will give you updates as I go along. Pray for themes, chosing the right events, the Holy Spirit's guidance for the project. Pray that I don't get distracted (go Rockies) and remain daily in the Bible. That writers block doesn't stop me from progressing. Setting a timeline and sticking to it. Realizing that the first draft is just that: a first draft.
All in all I count on God's will to place signs that will help me down that path of writing; Away from thinking: "Its not good enough", or "what will people think" or "that's too dark for my audience to ponder" or "that's too holy roller or preachy". I have lots to balance out.
Well it seems that His will brought me to my testamony once more. I'm going to assemble the story of my redemption coupled with the elements in my life preceeding Christs' gift of salvation. This means opening up the writings i did while in mental hospitals. This means revisiting the events and the thought processes that yeilded my own will to the Devil (unknowingly). The false prophetic views I had will be exposed. The symbols I chose to create to find meaning will be there too.
I take peace in knowing that I am a child of God now. That the absolute truth (for all seekers) is the Bible. I just ask for prayer as this will take a large amount of time. I am five years out of having written any major project. This process it no different than a sculptor looking at a rock and percisely imagining the finished statue. First comes measurements, color choices, and assembling tools. Then imprints of what is wanted, work, perfecting imperfections and voila.
Structuring techniques, Character development, conflict, and themes are the first few steps. Even before that, making time in my life for this is important as I am rusty to write in this format. Believing in the project is another. Not letting pride and Satan take control of the work.
Its a creative retelling what I endured outside of trusting Christ. So Jesus will get all the glory after showing the depths of darkness I was in. I will give you updates as I go along. Pray for themes, chosing the right events, the Holy Spirit's guidance for the project. Pray that I don't get distracted (go Rockies) and remain daily in the Bible. That writers block doesn't stop me from progressing. Setting a timeline and sticking to it. Realizing that the first draft is just that: a first draft.
All in all I count on God's will to place signs that will help me down that path of writing; Away from thinking: "Its not good enough", or "what will people think" or "that's too dark for my audience to ponder" or "that's too holy roller or preachy". I have lots to balance out.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Catalysts capturing Christ's courage within me
To err is human, to forgive devine. I think those are words from the Bard. Anyways, as a Believer in Christ, in order to follow that narrow path, I need encouragement. Unfortunatly, I respond to sincere encouragement from others with a counter of self critique. This represents a self love issue, or even a tool Satan uses to weaken my faith life. That is why I need to encourage myself and forgive me.
Activities centered in Christ abound in my life. They are promoters that I rely on to witness God's will on earth and in my life. This keeps me renewed when there. Prayer time is healthy yet fleeding. Yet day in and day out there is wear and tear more than building up in Jesus. -After six weeks of not a drop of alcohol, I drank last night.
It was an impulse yet concious. It was a willing defiance of what God is trying to accomplish through me. I knew that I would have to face forgiveness and shame for this contradicting action today. But lately I've felt estranged as to why my life needs to conform to Christ fully.
This decision to quit was a choice I felt I had to make because booze was a daily self-medication. Instead of placing my emotions and feelings of a day gone by on Christ and sharing my thoughts with Him I took it to the beer buzz and gut. But God the Father, soon after my being Baptized, made me ask myself: Does liquor have power over you? think you can live without this Nic, will you?
I have, It was a Goliath in the brainwashing deception area. Now, I feel good in the mornings, and my wallet feels good at night. I committed to this decision of quitting. I offered up to Jesus my life, asking for desperate forgiveness. His Spirit lead the way away from there. I barely had any thoughts of looking back except to claim the victory to God. To me, there is not a more faith affirming act than being empowered by God's ways to change my ways. It is God encouraging me through challenge; He knew I could do it, but I didn't think I could. The back of my mind can't counter that form of encouragement. How self-forgiving (and God-praising) it is to overcome an addiction.
In finding encouragement, I was floored when a brother in Christ asked me: "what's the first thing you will do in heaven?" I generally dismiss such pondering; But I love every exchange with this person so I considered the actuality of being in heaven. A child-like smile came to my face and I said "well, I'ed probably take it all in." That question was so encouraging of my faith. I needed to hear that. Because usually I have my faith in Christ and I just focus on the everyday and others.
God's promises are valid and stregthening. I need to find wonder in the amazing claims He says are waiting for the people who believe in Jesus as redeemer. God's provisions is another form of encouragement. Its all around me but last night I just chose to outweigh all of that trust, encouragement, and hope for some beer. I don't want to harbor this failure or be encircled with self-imposed guilt. I want to be a healing child of God counting on Christ to show mercy and forgiveness to the fact that I gave my word and made a commitment to quit drinking(though broken, is still valid).
Rather its the catalyst that I need to correct so that my promise to God remains; And so I can stand firm on my decisions. Why has my faith life lacked courage lately? What feeling of drunkenness do I miss? Why did I decide to listen to impulse rather than character? In chillin' with an unbeliever, why did my will power misrepresent (thus placing me in the hypocritical)?
Activities centered in Christ abound in my life. They are promoters that I rely on to witness God's will on earth and in my life. This keeps me renewed when there. Prayer time is healthy yet fleeding. Yet day in and day out there is wear and tear more than building up in Jesus. -After six weeks of not a drop of alcohol, I drank last night.
It was an impulse yet concious. It was a willing defiance of what God is trying to accomplish through me. I knew that I would have to face forgiveness and shame for this contradicting action today. But lately I've felt estranged as to why my life needs to conform to Christ fully.
This decision to quit was a choice I felt I had to make because booze was a daily self-medication. Instead of placing my emotions and feelings of a day gone by on Christ and sharing my thoughts with Him I took it to the beer buzz and gut. But God the Father, soon after my being Baptized, made me ask myself: Does liquor have power over you? think you can live without this Nic, will you?
I have, It was a Goliath in the brainwashing deception area. Now, I feel good in the mornings, and my wallet feels good at night. I committed to this decision of quitting. I offered up to Jesus my life, asking for desperate forgiveness. His Spirit lead the way away from there. I barely had any thoughts of looking back except to claim the victory to God. To me, there is not a more faith affirming act than being empowered by God's ways to change my ways. It is God encouraging me through challenge; He knew I could do it, but I didn't think I could. The back of my mind can't counter that form of encouragement. How self-forgiving (and God-praising) it is to overcome an addiction.
In finding encouragement, I was floored when a brother in Christ asked me: "what's the first thing you will do in heaven?" I generally dismiss such pondering; But I love every exchange with this person so I considered the actuality of being in heaven. A child-like smile came to my face and I said "well, I'ed probably take it all in." That question was so encouraging of my faith. I needed to hear that. Because usually I have my faith in Christ and I just focus on the everyday and others.
God's promises are valid and stregthening. I need to find wonder in the amazing claims He says are waiting for the people who believe in Jesus as redeemer. God's provisions is another form of encouragement. Its all around me but last night I just chose to outweigh all of that trust, encouragement, and hope for some beer. I don't want to harbor this failure or be encircled with self-imposed guilt. I want to be a healing child of God counting on Christ to show mercy and forgiveness to the fact that I gave my word and made a commitment to quit drinking(though broken, is still valid).
Rather its the catalyst that I need to correct so that my promise to God remains; And so I can stand firm on my decisions. Why has my faith life lacked courage lately? What feeling of drunkenness do I miss? Why did I decide to listen to impulse rather than character? In chillin' with an unbeliever, why did my will power misrepresent (thus placing me in the hypocritical)?
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
payin' pennies on a dime
It was about ten days ago that my brother Will (who moonlights as a lucrative bargain hunter) called me and asked what building J looked like in my apartment complex. He continued to explain that a place opened up the same size as my current apartment and that I could afford to buy it. Quite a statement considering that all the other condos for sale here are for $55,000-$65,000. Keep in mind 600 square feet and one bedroom. He did follow up the announcement by "she's a fixer upper."
J-2 is $32,000. It was repossesed by a defaulted loan to a bank. Was this something that God enabled? Still though, my brother wanted it, to rent out to others. But he encouraged me to apply for a loan, putting his agenda on hold. It couldn't hurt and the experience would be enough to write about. My renting contract isn't up till end of Feb. But still after calculating all this and repairs I still come out with about $15,000 equity.
Its hard to believe that a year ago I was calculating my expenses for beer and weed (contentment in toxins). With self control through Christ and His Holy Spirit I've come to a place where blessings and possibilities exist. Before this, I spent a long time in a cave/cocoon from May 03' to Nov 06'. And the five years before that was pure defiance of Christianity. Though the belly and outer shell indicate little change, God has rescued me and encouraged me to turn to Christ with everything I have and am currently.
What do you know, I got approved. I settled on a price of $31,000 and I close on it later in the month. So many possibilities come from simply asking God and obeying His ways. The life following Christ is hard and narrow, but the self motivated life is impossible to find hope in. Casting worries and fears on Jesus proves that I need Him, it is not a sign of weakness. So I think this excitement is worth sharing as long as I give all the credit to the God the Father and thanks to my brother Will. I am not prideful about the occurances of my life, just a testament to the living God.
So thoughts of how I long for Chicago become replaced with God's call to me here. The life of my past becomes the footstool on which I reach out Christ the sealer of my sins and the example to depend on. The Game plan is set and I'm in position!
J-2 is $32,000. It was repossesed by a defaulted loan to a bank. Was this something that God enabled? Still though, my brother wanted it, to rent out to others. But he encouraged me to apply for a loan, putting his agenda on hold. It couldn't hurt and the experience would be enough to write about. My renting contract isn't up till end of Feb. But still after calculating all this and repairs I still come out with about $15,000 equity.
Its hard to believe that a year ago I was calculating my expenses for beer and weed (contentment in toxins). With self control through Christ and His Holy Spirit I've come to a place where blessings and possibilities exist. Before this, I spent a long time in a cave/cocoon from May 03' to Nov 06'. And the five years before that was pure defiance of Christianity. Though the belly and outer shell indicate little change, God has rescued me and encouraged me to turn to Christ with everything I have and am currently.
What do you know, I got approved. I settled on a price of $31,000 and I close on it later in the month. So many possibilities come from simply asking God and obeying His ways. The life following Christ is hard and narrow, but the self motivated life is impossible to find hope in. Casting worries and fears on Jesus proves that I need Him, it is not a sign of weakness. So I think this excitement is worth sharing as long as I give all the credit to the God the Father and thanks to my brother Will. I am not prideful about the occurances of my life, just a testament to the living God.
So thoughts of how I long for Chicago become replaced with God's call to me here. The life of my past becomes the footstool on which I reach out Christ the sealer of my sins and the example to depend on. The Game plan is set and I'm in position!
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