Friday, December 19, 2008

Renewal of my Mind By God

I'm behind in my devotionals for youth group and my young adult group. I'm behind on my laundry, Christmas shopping and sleep. But here I am aroused by my heart to write 'round midnight about God's control of my life and how sovereign His power is over my seeming busy life. To onlookers there is no doubt that I'm very active. Am I gonna flip and go nuts? Burn out and quit? Or stay the course and rely on Jesus? The answer resides in the shift in character that happened on November 10, 2006.

As an unbeliever, whenever I was too busy the mania was at its worse. It seemed impossible to be happy and worry consumed me. I was very talented at talking myself out of doing things social or asked of me. I made plenty of time for drinking and smoking to substitute people and forget about my burdens. I hated running out of weed; without it, I would get these mood spells that glorified what pot can do to my mind. I lusted and desired that constantly. I wasn't some hippie that acted all lovie, or partier that only smokes chronic. I smoked because it had a control on me: life all by itself could not be tolerated without getting lifted. I honestly thought I would smoke pot until the day I died. The feeling I desired was heavy on my body, tingling at times but my mind would just delight in the imagination offerings of marijuana. No hallucinations, or visuals but a rambling stream of great thoughts (or so one thinks at the time).

I see myself today in seemingly similar context at the surface. However I'm handling my mood spells by glorifying God for what He does to my mind. Being happy when stressed is possible. I rely on Jesus and learn to desire Him more fully in my life. Turning to God with everything I have is the only way I can live. I just forget to do that sometimes. That's when my wretchedness resurfaces even if only for a moment to remind me that I fail on my own. -All my thoughts, my actions and hopes are failure without it being offered up to God first. His will is victorious, His truth kept and knowledge is infinite. Not my contrived temporal solutions. Quick fixes like weed won't ever add up to the repair (restoration) Jesus' shed blood on the cross does. Reading the Bible and praying to Jesus are the best ways I can turn to Him.

Romans 12 is the fuel for this entry, because God continues to restore my mind. I get burps of my old mind that cause me to act out or be tempted to sin. I feel the old coping mechanisms often -including tonight. I turn to Jesus and He keeps me busy. Christ has the power to change my mind. I turn to Him and while I just talk to Him suddenly the grip is loosed. And the "fever of temptation" passed. Even though my old self had my mind going down a predictable path to act out in sin. God changed it into something He can use to glorify Himself. I'm spared from my sinful ways even if only a moment. I hate my sin, and tonight God showed me His sovereignty over the pace of my life, which can catch me off guard.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

My First Relationship

God has blessed me and it’s just so obvious these days. I am busy and free, no matter if I'm coming or going it is in Jesus I reside. Today slept in and missed Sunday school. Part of me wanted to feel bad. But not going did probably as much good as showing up and not having my heart into the talk, or being distracted by being tired. I feel God's hand at work in the activities in my life namely my work, my relationships, BSF, and Youth Group.

Lately though I've noticed that it is me who is moving faster, praying faster, over-booking and yes it's for the Lord and yes it keeps my sin away. But Satan is sudden and bombards from multiple outlets, and I know he's conspiring, calculating and over-confident. I say this because God's gift to us, before life itself, is Jesus Christ. Him alone defeats Satan, evil and my sin. Right now I just pray for a re-centering a regrouping. So that Satan will be duped, shamed and fail in my life. I have no anguish of guilt from seeking out sin and committing them. Although I ask for forgiveness nightly, for actions and words which fall in the heat of the moment and reveal sin. What a glorious forgiveness is Jesus' shed blood. With faith in this Satan cannot win in my life even for those unaware sins I do.

My relationship with God seems like its taken a blow. Yes I'm learning memory verses, reading the Word daily. It just seems that as the blessings continue to occupy and preoccupy. Therein reveals a comfort: though life is faster, the zeal for my intimate relationship with Jesus operates slower. Plainly stated, I forget to turn to Jesus to say thanks and love and hold Him first as the giver in my life. So much blessing has been given to me that I feel unbalanced by it. You got to remember that as an unbeliever, I whittled my life down to believing that I was undeserving of everything because of what I did with the chances I had: failed.

So yeah I'm still nervous at what Satan might try and put me through. -He hasn't yet. In turning to Christ and pushing aside all the blessings I'm left to choose what's first: my girlfriend, my Job, myself, my God. I pray to hold loosely to everything save Jesus. God is first! First loved, first served, first advisor, first relationship in my life. I'm grateful at the work this entry has done in my life during the time I've written it. I hope reading this does something for you. Just when I thought I had a monogamous relationship, after five months of dating my girlfriend tells me she's had another boyfriend all this time: Jesus Christ. What a gift the world received on the first Christmas. Jesus the redeemer.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Uprooting Sin




I went through the ten commandments in Bible study and I got convicted about helping out mom. So today i went and pulled some roots out of the ground chez maman, they were deep, weak and all over. They were the remenants of a thorny bush. So after lots of quiet reflection and unwillingness on my part. I started to apply faith to what i was doing; A deeper meaning for the chore at hand.

I thought how in coming to Christ there we have new life and are changed. But the sin and my life in darkness are still present in the roots. yes I'm forgiven, but its is up to sanctification -the Holy Spirit indwelling to labor with the shovel, pushing aside the earth to attain the roots of my sinful ways. With leverage, force and time one by one the roots of the thorny bush are uprooted. So that the persistant ones cannot resurface and claim slavery on me. There was this one root that my mom attacked with the shovel and me with my hands pulling up on it. suddently, it gave way and we fell on ours behinds. Laughing at how that root just gave way at once and we didn't expect it. Just some observations about what God uproots so we can grow with Him. This makes me think that eternity doesn't start when we die but rather when we have placed our portion of faith in Jesus.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Dare 2 Share Weekend

I just finished chaperoning my youth group at a Dare 2 Share conference at the Pepsi Center. Their mission is to equip youth to share the gospel of Christ to everyone. Some churches call them dare to scare because they feel that they over emphasize evangelism or that youth haven't been grown enough to take that stand. I just think they've never given D2S much of a chance. Its solid from what I see.

I got lots out of it. They had this skit between two girls dressed all Hip-Hop one quoting scripture like an angel of the Lord and the other like a demon. They'd recite verses from the Bible about God, His promises, wrath and Revelation to persuade us the importance of memorizing verses it blew my mind and I was convicted. I enter my battles with sin, Satan and temptation with prayer and hope. But this adds the sword of the Holy Spirit, being the Bible.

Another eye-opener for me was prostration during prayer. Praising God for who He is was done on my feet with out-stretched arms. Petitions are next, seated hands folded head bowed. Lastly confession to Jesus is done on my knees. Interesting method that I think might help section out my prayers.

There was this moment where I (all the youth leaders) and had to place my hand over the youth in my group and pray out loud for them. Talk about putting aside everything and just counting the moment to usher the right words to express God's love for them uniquely. How there is hope in owning a faith in Christ.

The conference then went door to door, All over Denver and collected cans for the Denver rescue mission. The main reason they went was to share the gospel as they went door to door. Intense! We raised 15 tons of canned food. We heard stories of persecution, lives changed and some other awesome stories after. I was really challenged and faced the fact that I have a fear of evangelizing to strangers, similar to the fear I have in living out repentance and not falling again.

The conference speaker asked us to call someone from our seats in the Pepsi Center and share the gospel with them; A friend or family member that doesn’t know Christ. My heart was pounding when I made that call. I got an answering machine but still I left a message and that seed was planted.

Then lots of laughter and praise songs. Jesus rocks my world. They had this shirt that said:
“Fo
‘Given
Fo
‘Sho”

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Second Faith Birthday, Discovering Leadership

"Oh how I love Jesus, Oh how I love Jesus, Oh how I love Jesus because He first loved me." Love that hymn. Love has met me in the Agape form (Godly love). It was that day where Christ showed mercy on my first prayer to Him in over a decade. I hope the testimony I live illustrates how God uses sinful, undeserving people to work for Him and receive His grace unconditionally. I submitted my life to Jesus Christ two years ago! It was only fitting that today at Awana we learned about how to ask Jesus for forgiveness from sin. That message of Jesus has sustained me these last two years! Although my mother is starting to admit that this might not be just another one of Nic's phases; I pray that my life rescued by Christ, grown by God doesn't go unnoticed. I mentioned at my "Jesus is invited housewarming party" that it is the people who've known me the longest and have seen the impact of God's changes in me the most that I have the hardest time witnessing to. Conversely, my communities of friends, co-workers, and fellow believers have the hardest time picturing the way I was when I lived a self willed life.

So here I am now. After a stirring lesson/lecture of asking God to use me, "May you not let me rest God until you have placed me according to Your will." I write to you because God has grown me. I am a leader, yeah I do it for a living, I do it with church groups but now I seek out those opportunities to lead. I am going to give a lecture on community in two weeks. In my mind, this is one more thing that will season my service to the Lord and usher me into the nervous unknown (gasp). It's a gift to be a leader and I'm sure not everyone sees that in me... then again, could you see me as an undercover secret shopper either? Similar to that lesson, God places my weakness where I can't ignore them. Maybe I won't be a leader my whole life maybe this is just a season to repair the hell my body and mind went through before.

Nonetheless, I have become more attentive to others in leading. Listening used to be hard for me especially if I was under any narcotics, I enjoy listening now. I think encouragement is the best way to lead. Leading is a way of me loving my neighbors and helps me be others-centered. Courteous delegation is win/win. Leading forces me to think critically about organization, execution, and results. It helps me listen to myself more closely to notice when I grumble, gossip or gas.

All this to say that I'm looking to God to use me. I still pray for guidance, corporate retail will always be corporate retail but I am ever changing and conforming to Christ. I'm fluent in French -its not for nothing. I feel like I’m discovering who I am in the light of God. And I'm trying to be patient yet responsive upon God's call. Tonight's lecture was how Peter stood up, unscripted, perhaps surprising other apostles and he spoke at the Pentecost and 3,000 souls became members of the church. What an awesome passage (Acts chapter 2) about the Holy Spirit using Peter for His glory. What would have happened if Peter didn't stand up?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

In Praise Of Jesus

Lord God Your Son, Your Son is here.
Jesus the messiah whom evil does fear.

"Devil get out!" in Christ's name I shout.
No time to reside, no place you can hide.

Inside of me: God dwells, teaches and trains
of His life cut, punctured and drained.

To complete love completely and marry His bride,
Jesus died for His grace to provide.

I count on God's will so I am not still
Lest He requests me for Him to refill.

What i want to do for God is done when i say:
What are You about to do here, on this day.

Tonight I write to dance with the light
of a life of forgiveness, faith, hope and sight.

Humble is next, service and heart.
Still there are setbacks like funky farts.

Nothing like what could have been
If Jesus Christ didn't save me from sin.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Pent-up Repentance

God's here, sovereign over all.

Jesus came to earth to fulfilled laws and prophecies. One that was realized was that someone would announce His arrival. That man was John the Baptist. What a great job he did: "Behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world." John 1:29. That is so encompassing of what Jesus did. I lose sight of this so often because I’m not a Jew. I never payed attention to the one (and only) true God thriving, raising and blessing the Jews all this time. He set up this deal that only by bloodshed is there remission of sin by God. Since He is apart from sin and evil this was the only stamp of God's approval to redeem the Jews. The alter of sacrifice from the Bible just strikes me as this bloody, gory, slaughterhouse with gold as a cutting board. But now place Jesus in there; He is our lamb that grants remission of sins. If Christ wasn't my sacrificial lamb, I would be afraid of every choice I make every second of life.

Jesus didn't just come for His bride, camp Jesus or the lost. He came to redeem all and restore the world. Another thing that was so signature John the Baptist is his slogan "repent for the kingdom of heaven is near." So am I making straight the way of the Lord? Jesus already came and fulfilled John's words. Aren’t John’s words still true? Is the kingdom of heaven near? If so, I should fill out the sandals of John the Baptist -stat. The kingdom of heaven is only getting nearer now. One thing God guarantees a few times in the Bible is: we know not the time of Christ's return. He is God so I guarantee its going down. I can't figure it out, not the day or time, can I ask God for a look-see?

That was the intro. I don't want to rant conversion of Eskimos, ballerinas or pimps. But I do want to talk about the first part of what John says in his slogan "repent". I have repented from a few things, mainly stuff that I just wanted out of my life anyways. I never returned to them and the power of the Holy Spirit is to be praised for that. God's power to enable repentance is so strong that I haven't really tapped into it. I say this because the sins/attitudes I don't want to repent from are still in my life. The Holy Spirit will win in a mighty way. Repenting is intentional and deliberate. it is a choice to change for Jesus' call.

Here's what's I see repentance as: 1, my heart is crying to stop. 2, my mind becomes equipped to deny any justification for doing it/ saying it. 3, confession to Jesus. 5, conversion/cut-off. I think in my mind repentance is like a vow. It is something that needs to be thought of before being engaged, honored, and upheld. There is nothing cyclical about repenting... Just a linear walk with eyes fixed on Christ.

My hang-ups are that I don't equip my mind enough to deny justification. I'm impulsively living during those times. I need to deliberately avoid certain situations that bring the sin/attitude to the table. And in a few difficult instances after dedicating to repenting, months down the road, I break my repentance. the sadness is big when that happens because it was between God and me and He doesn't lack understanding -but I sure do. I'm not about to cheapen what Jesus did for me by thinking I can hide these problems. I know what its like to be used by someone for their own satisfaction, I don't want Jesus to feel that way because I am unrepentant. Jesus died so I can live free from this. So I can be raised a child of God in God's timing. I was asked this week a striking question: "what battle are you enduring that two years ago you would have never been able to face?"

I specifically remember on the day I became a believer praying to Jesus and honestly stating that I will follow Him with all my heart but I was not ready to let go of my addictions and change. I prayed for a steady conversion. Most addictions were gone in the first two months. The more serious central ones that I try and justify are still being loosed. I am so invited to repent with the incredible life my Savior has authored in just two years. These are the battles that two years ago I just couldn't imagine fighting. As in all of my life He will fight for me to gain victory and i will share about it for God's credit.

My faith Birthday is coming up real soon. As the kingdom draws nearer I want to be able to be upright making the way straight for the Lord. And spread some joy along the way.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Via Chicago

My future and past are coming together in Chicago. I just bought a ticket to be in Chicago for five days. This return is overdue considering that I never wanted to leave Chi-town in the first place. Things are good now. I left incredibly ill and am returning to the old places and nooks I missed most. Floods of old memories will happen; I will even visit some friends I left behind and barely keep up with. I will go to the places where my illness was triggered and thank Jesus that His Spirit is in me. Since I used to be tossed and drugged by a great many other spirits.

Five years later, I live with a hope of unshakeable origins: That God the Father loved me enough to reveal Christ to me as king of kings. God the Father loved me enough to accept my submission to Jesus. And God the Father loved me sweetly enough to gift me a new life in the light of His Spirit. So I steady my course and lean on faith through Jesus for direction. I am overjoyed so often it’s hard to remember that it is God who merits all the praises for all the transformation in my life.

If it were up to me to grow, I would still be broken, enchained by my sins which I thought of as solutions. I would praise/marvel at beauty made clear through suffering, embellishing altered states and obsessing over the present moment. Reading books by Bukowski, Sedaris or Selby. That's not life, its a living narrative of shameless "as is" living. To me it was a living death granted by Satan and appealing by submission to temptations. Oh how valuable is Christ’s blood to me in remembering all this deception.

I will see Chicago with new eyes. I will go attend church services in that city and for the first time be praising the Living God. I will see His glory at work in the town where I once tried hard to glorify myself. I just wanted to share the joy I feel in returning to Chicago. I will even get a chance to gain perspective in this Denver life.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Seminary testimony

In sharing and carefully writing this I just knew that i had to share it. I hope it speaks to you all.

If thought and action define who receives God's grace and mercy, then I would be without it. If right and wrongs were carefully tallied and rewarded, I’d be the loser. Truthfully, God wants our faith before any action; He wants our devotion before any gift.
My dad died in an avalanche when I was two on Thanksgiving Day. Throughout my childhood I blamed God for this tragedy. My mom raised four boys as an immigrant in the United States. Often when she was absent I turned to stealing, fighting and cursing. I inherited a dose of the Catholic faith attending church every Sunday. In my teen years, while living in a Catholic orphanage France, I found a version of God that would inspire a departure from the person I was becoming.
The Catholic faith introduced me to a life outside of my own selfish determination. Being surrounded by handicapped people in Lourdes for a pilgrimage spoke to my heart. Now I wanted to own my Catholicism, I took pilgrimages around the world, praying the rosary often, and back in America I thought of being a priest and submerging myself completely into Catholicism. In high school I was in a youth group, youth choir and did retreats. God was working in me, but I wanted to know why I believed in Jesus, and where Mary fit into my life. Inheriting a faith life makes grace and mercy difficult to understand especially when they are hinged on sacraments. Anxiety brewed in me about the uncertainty of forgiveness, the authority of the Pope, and the holiness of priests being vessels of salvation by ministering reconciliation and transubstantiation. Add to that an onslaught of negative sermons measuring sins: which is the worst one? I loathed my sins and believed that there was no guarantee for true forgiveness: I felt that with Jesus I'd end up hating myself.
College taught me original thoughts from humans. Philosophy and art was what I loved. The unseen, almighty God need no longer apply. I stopped going to mass. Shortly after my departure I remember wanting to say a prayer but my mind stopped it. Praying was no longer allowed if I want to be my own-self. Why are we all different if we are all to believe in the same single thing?
I felt so unique from everyone else. This brought me to a huge tolerance of music, politics, travel, and film. Freedom felt eminent and my sins felt good. Highly addicting sins like pornography, cigarettes, alcohol, and marijuana defined me daily. I enjoyed giving into my temptations and darkness was a place of self-discovery. I was a creative writer and a humorous thinker. My mind felt free, my artistic output flourished. Out of this passion grew a unique spirituality I called Existential Optimism. Buddhism and freestyle rhyming over hip-hop beats became my forms of worship to this seeming god of circumstance. I was fearless in exploring the dark side of human kind. I was to love myself completely because I loved my sins also.
When my brother/roommate/best friend Olivier became a believer a Christian trench appeared between us overnight. I hated the Christian thoughts in His head. I had be the bigger man and respect his choice or else he wouldn’t listen to my reasoning. But he was out to convert me, I would cry at his accusations of my way of life, I didn’t criticize his. What Self-righteousness he had to do that to me. I felt no wretchedness, no remorse for my sins; his timing hardened my hatrid for Jesus Christ. I started writing stories for college about our arguments mocking his copout move and his abandonment of self-discovery. Bitterly I satirized religion by creating my own called Nowism based on the alienation of the individual and how mere presence in every moment is reason to believe in god.
By now I really didn't think the Devil existed. Surprisingly sober minded one night, I believed that I had enlightenment and could be a reincarnation of Buddha. So one night I tried to reach Nirvana by fulfilling an obstacle course destined by god to prove my worthiness. It involved rearranging all the energies from every object around me to a positive solution. Frantically placing hot pads in freezers, and washing black clothes with white allowed me to create with the creator. I ran through the city of Chicago finishing my divine course by getting naked and running off a pier into lake Michigan. –I put all my faith in that jump to reach Nirvana. The next day I was arrested for being naked on the streets thinking everybody knew who I was and wanted to kill me. When the police asked me my name, I said I didn't have one. They asked me the time, I said that time did not exist.
I spent a month in a mental hospital diagnosed with form Schizophrenia and bi-polar. But the Christians closest to me knew it was a demonic possession. I convulsed as my friends and family prayed over me so that Jesus would reclaim the ownership of mind, body and soul.
A year after hospitalization my sins grew to include gambling, premarital sex, harder drugs and not loving myself. Satan intoxicated my thinking to convince me that I was second coming of Jesus Christ able to grant salvation and enrich the poor. I was instantly eternal and sent to solve the problems of the world and receive millions of dollars at any moment. This blaspheming lead to me tear up a Bible, urinate uncontrollably and return to the mental hospital two more times. After the mental hospital trips, I lived for three years, isolated, self-medicated depression, loathing, angry and lost.
The day I submitted all my trust and faith to Jesus Christ started out like a normal Friday except I watched Tyler Perry's “I Can Do Bad All By Myself.” A play on DVD recommended to me by my brother. One character in the play was so devastated at the evil that was tearing that family apart, she sang and rebuked Satan in the name of Jesus Christ, rattling the magazines, throwing the pillows, repeating "the Devil has no place in this house, go, get out in the name of Jesus." This is a striking scene for me considering my past belief in objects having energy. As I went to work, I turned the corner of my apartment building to see that my car had been stolen. After a cigarette, I returned to the apartment, called work, and dialed the police... As I waited I got down on my knees in my bedroom, closed my eyes and said:
"I forgot how to pray, but dear Jesus I can't do this, this weight is too much. Jesus I remember in the Bible You saying that You lift up burdens and give light ones. Well this is for you to take please, I'm not deserving. Jesus I give you my soul, please forgive me and take all that I am. I have failed on my own."
After, I went to each room in my apartment shook stuff up, and demanded that the Devil and his evil spirits be cast out in the name of Jesus Christ, who is Lord forever and owner of this space. The following days Satan tried to convince my mind that I never gave my life to Jesus, that that moment didn't happen. However, I had no car as the point of assurance. On November 10, 2006 I became a believer in Jesus and a member the Body of Christ.
I found Red Rocks Fellowship in the Yellow pages in time for Thanksgiving Sunday. On May 5, 2007 I gave my testimony in front of the congregation bringing all this to light. I was baptized at Red Rocks Fellowship on August 8, 2007. It was there that I became convinced of the connectedness of Christians to one another in the body of Christ. Praying for people I've never met was humbling and awesome. It was vital in knowing that I am no longer to live for myself.
Christ is the only center in God’s plan. My commitment to follow Christ starts with His indwelling Holy Spirit in my. In asking for mercy I lift my sin up in prayer and insist that Christ has forgiven it no matter my falls. Cravings once thought as insurmountable until death like cigarettes, gambling, and illegal drugs, are sins that were torn from me overnight. Others like drinking and lust require sanctification, prayer, and accountability in order to gain victory. I hate my sin, and all that I did to defy Jesus on my own.
My brain's detective work, my self-discovering, my search for truth was solved the day God accepted my faith in Jesus. My commitment to the Bible consists of an eager willingness to learn and obey its teachings. The Holy Spirit has blessed me to understand the Word like never before. It comes to life before me filling me with deep thoughts and awe and wonder. It is good for my soul to read the Word and not edit it. I’m eager and attentive during sermons –this is God we’re talking about. Not just ideas.
My heart is healing through God’s changes within me. Mega blessings have come my way such as a cheap home, a computer and promotions at work. My super sweet 83’ Celica is a reminder of God’s provision and the day I said yes to Christ’s deliverance from my sin. My continuation of commitment in Christ means that I'm going public professing to all that from now on I'm going to trust and turn to Christ with whatever happens to me.
When I first believed, the dam holding me tearless for years burst open and mercy sprung fourth. Jesus’ love for me was so emotive. I cried out of shame, regret and joy daily. The mockery and slander of Jesus Christ is over. My sin is exhausted. The brain washings by Satan are at the feet of Jesus. Jesus’ blood means that I am dearly loved by the Father. My schizophrenic illnesses are mere embarrassments of lifelessness without Jesus.
Seeing God’s will unfolding has brought tremendous meaning in my life. Giving God the total credit for all my successes is a delight I can live with. I’m filled with wonder about the life God has prepared for me. I’m still amazed that forgiveness is a certainty I can believe in!
This new creation that God has set apart, now prays on his knees. I worship the eternal Father without jealousy or envy like when I was sick. I serve in the high school youth group. I’m fed at my young adult groups. I am a tither, a Compassion kid sponsor. I floss my teeth and like how I look. I’m a leader at work. I stand up for what is right. I read the Bible everyday. I serve as I can and say yes to God’s calling me. Is it seminary? I don’t know. In learning His will I can find that out. I have rebuked poor fellowship. I have failed at evangelism. I have sinned and used the blood of Jesus daily. I still have a long way to go as a Christian worshiper. If I speak out of confidence, know that it is only Jesus who does this. My spiritual identity is in Him. My recommitment to God is constant as He elected me for service a year and 7 months ago.
Seminary shapes diligence in knowing God’s good and pleasing will. In hindsight, I look at what I did with my free will the presence of sin and evil: the Lord can do with me as He likes. My call is to be that recovered vessel that Jesus let live. Christ’s truth mixed with my servant efforts will help actualize increased obedience and joy.
As I read the suggested passages to asses my spiritual gift(s) Ephesians 4:13 caught my eye. If a gift is defined as a work in progress then this will do. Verses 11 and 12 are the first part of a run-on sentence that concludes in 13. Verses 12b into 13 says “so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.”(NIV) If that’s not a gift of the Spirit I don’t know what is.
Since asked about gifts in my possession, this introspection is difficult. I hope I didn’t choose a taboo gift or misunderstand what it means to distinguish between spirits. My past has made me learn (through my most broken spots) about the deception of spirits and how to distinguish them in contrast to the Holy Spirit’s work. Outwardly, I’ve been to evil places, seen energy in inanimate objects, was comforted by idols. Inwardly I have observed in my speech, creativity, action, dreams and thoughts what comes from a self-hoarded spirit, an intrusive evil spirit vs. that which is good, gentle and of God. Christ chose to redeem me. By Jesus I have no fear of these deceiving spirits. They are out cast and not welcome in my life. That is how I am able to distinguish spirits in the context of my life. Within others I’m not so sure.
My truest, simplest gift of the Spirit is teaching. I have compassion by the grace of God to relate to youth. Since the New Year, I have volunteered with the youth. I see them one foot in, and one foot out of a God-willed life and a self-willed life. I am a committed volunteer in student ministry at my church. It feeds me in accountability and challenges me to explain the seriousness of sin and the priceless unmatchable gift of Jesus Christ. I initiate the activities and challenge the prayer life of the group. I have led the middle school group and the young adult group through assigned curriculums a handful of times. I have a one on one discipleship that gives way to spiritual growth and a Christ-like example of love and encouragement. I have not preached to any group. I have shared the Gospel with about thirty of the broken non-Christians in my life. I’ve learned many lessons from this especially about how God is the one doing the turning to Jesus. Truthfully too I’ve been in situations where I felt like hiding the light God has declared me to be. I’m still forgiven, free and dearly loved by God through His Word, His Son and His plans for me.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

The Word Inside Me: Christlikeness

Sundays are my day to rest. Though I’m going places, it is to gain spiritual milk that I need for the week to come and the life ahead. So I don't feel rested, but I'm able to think about the content of what the day held. I had a wake up lecture in Sunday school about proving God exists and the changes that argument has taken through the years. This included learning the Ontological view, the Kalaam view, the anthropological view and one other that started with a "D". Some theories still stand today some sink.

It’s hard for me to explain how obvious God is, when He's obvious to the unbeliever/listener. Its almost as if I need to defend my faith without the use of the Bible in order to be heard. That's why testimonies are relevant and need to be shared. Since God works on the heart level first, I think testimonies need to have that heart and emotional pull. That said I have one month to prepare a even more thorough testimony for Christ love of me.


The sermon at church was on 1Peter 2:2-3. This is about growing up in the goodness of the Lord and knowing that He is good. We are called to grow, like most things in life. The Bible is to 1 hear, 2 obey/do, 3 memorize, 4 meditate and I forget the last one. That is spiritual growth at its center. By this we please God not people. By this God is the first thing added in our lives. Being born again means needing spiritual milk for formation, preservation and salvation. We must seek it out and crave the Bible everyday, with intense desire. Without it, I might gain a spiritual eating disorder as the pastor says. Which I currently have and need prayer for fixing. I could use much more of the Bible in my life. Praise God for placing me around many people who love being in the Word daily and letting me know their findings.

One of the best tools and strong holds in my life last year was my structured Bible study. I'm still in it (huge) but I save all the weeklong assignments for the last day. God works less in it than last year because I put less into it. I know I've been going through a lot these last two months but still I should be going at it with the Bible at my side, notes read and questions answered. Discovering Gods beauty, love, graciousness and kindness are impossible without finding it first in the pages of His Holy Word.

Jesus is the Word. Jesus is inside me. I pray that I sync them up together, right now they’re out of whack.

At my young adult group we talked about Ezekiel focusing on chapter 33. How he was not only answering God's call as it came amid a horrific sin culture. He was also to be the watchman announcing God's sword/wrath. So we discussed the importance of being a watchman to fellow Christians regarding sin in their lives. We are to be a watchman for unbelievers too, convicting and helping them see the wrath that is impending.

The thing that I was stumped by is similar to what someone else said: the watchman pulls the fire alarm and those who hear it, chose to obey the warning, get out and are saved. Others die. But at what time in my faith life am I transitioning from being someone who heard the fire alarm and runs out; to being an actual watchman? The pastor suggested that often times the newest believers are the most effective watchmen.

So yes there was lots and lots of substance to what I heard on Sunday. It can't just leave me... I got a bad/damaged memory so I really need to pay attention to the Word of God in my life, at church events, and around me so it can stay in me. My time at the Judgment Seat hopefully won't only be about Jesus’ death or how spiritual milk went in one ear and out the other thus disappearing from my life. I hope Jesus Christ will remember how He lived in me and I counted on Him as vicar in my life.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Mind Chatters. Heart Matters.

I write often of my struggles with sin (shaming Satan), anxiety about my job (exposing me straight-up) or my earnest growth with Jesus (glorifying Him).

I am smart, though not head strong. I had:

A headache from sin,
A forgetfulness by drugs,
A concussion from false Gods,
A brainwashing from Satan,
A laceration of depression.
A hemorrhage of self-discovery.
A breaking of reality.
A head-butt for 28 years of my life.

I submitted myself to all these things willingly, most of them I sought out.

Jesus is faithful, can't lie and is the sacrificial Lamb that pleases/obeys/loves our Father. I don't please/obey the Father because of His standard. Jesus alone pleased and completely obeyed, (I never understood this before being born again). I thought God's will was an all-access any-way, any-time will just because we are people, people! Now I know, through grace and humility that I am to please/obey/love Christ. To turn to Christ (God's cherished light for humanity) and continue to find restoration for that gimpy mind. God's will and His work are prepared thanks to the Holy Spirit -so lets roll up our sleeves and git it done.

Lets depart into light heartedness and joy, whose only source is the Holy Spirit. My mind isn't changing overnight, -Though in one defined moment of time; I did let Jesus Christ into my heart to change it once and for all. Praise his mercy. My mind has a tough time with patience, serving, and confidence.

So by the way... Right after being served my "final warning" paperwork at work, I snatched up a thief today that had concealed $190.00 of CD's and clothing. I didn't badger him. As I wrote my report waiting for the police, I would pause and stare blankly at something and offer up a silent prayer to Jesus about thanks for the provision of the apprehension (which encourages my confidence hugely). And two, that heart of this 26-year-old thief is convicted to looking outside of himself for the truth in Christ. That he might endure enough brokenness to find surrendering to Jesus.

Who knows, I can always pray right? God is so merciful that He meets us where we're at right? I was slam-dunked by sin and wretchedness until the day Jesus offered and asked me to come in. I was glazed over by muck and yuck with black eyes, forget it. I live with wonder and hope now.

I read a passage earlier in the week and again randomly today, I came across it in my "Gideon’s: a random point-n-read worship time" (as I like to call it). That Bible is so small I can't read more than a chapter at a time. I digressed, Its Revelations, in last chapter of the whole Word of God. Verse eleven in the NIV "Let him who does wrong continue to do wrong; let him who is vile continue to be vile; let him who is right continue to do right; and let him who is holy continue to be holy."


So thanks for the prayers and hope. The big picture perspective in Jesus is mine to keep and I forget that often. You remind me of what God sees, and sees in me; not merely what my work thinks of me. I'll keep on being that dearly loved child of God, who I am. Peace.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Faithfulness

I'm hanging in there. It’s been heavy this last week dipping into sin as if that solves anything. Today kind of broke the cycle. Weirdest thing happened I was doing this volunteer project that Target sponsored for volunteer week. It was to clean up a park about 30 minutes away our store linked to another store for the activity.

Well I show up and there is no one. I call my HR lady and she's like you "got the right time and place let me call the other store's HR and find out. Maybe they're meeting up at the store first." So I just take a liner from out of a trashcan and start going about cleaning. Bending down for every single piece.

My HR calls me back saying "so sorry Nic they canceled the event because no one signed up."

I was like: "well I already started and I said I'd do it so here goes." She thought that was cool that I did it.

I had the worst hangover I've ever had since I became a believer. (FYI drunkenness is a big fight in my sanctification) So close to and at peace with the Lord I was not. It had rained that morning so the dirty trash was also soggy dirty trash. I dwelled on some praise songs and hymns as I went about.

Bit by bit The Holy Spirit was breaking me down, convicting me of the seriousness of my sin. (Digestive track aside). I was still focused in on the task at hand. It was everywhere that trash. People would see me, I wonder if they though I did something illegal and this was my community service.

I found a flip-flop, a sword from "the greatest show on earth"(AKA the circus), a quarter and soggy candy uneaten. I took a break after an hour and read from 1 Peter this is what stuck out. 1Peter 2:16-17. "Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God. Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers(1), fear God(2), honor the king(3)."

I got to thinking how much God can't stand sin and how magnified my sin of late has been. (I've gone for months without drinking or acting sinfully). There's ample reason to fear God(2) when I know what He thinks of my drunkenness. So I honor the King(3) though in context of the passage it means earthly kings. It is more fitting in the context of God meeting me as I am today, in that moment, that the king to honor is the King of kings: Jesus.

My brother encouraged me to "use His blood." that's why the standard of God is perfection we must rely on the blood of Jesus. Also, I am reminded by his wife that if blame is a bi-product/needed, to never place these struggles on God but rather Satan who deceives and dupes me into thinking there is rest in a frosty pint, shot of peppermint schnapps.

I go back to picking up trash with a deep sense of love. This time from the body of Christ on earth(1): you guys. I've never sent a group e-mail that yielded so many helpful/heartfelt advices. It’s not the attention but how you related to the struggle I’m enduring and how the devotion to Jesus really made all the difference. God is faithful!

I left after an hour and 37 minutes. Went to work and got a gift for my willingness to follow through with of cleaning the park. This entry is not how I did something cool, or that I'm trying to seek payment in full for this liberal form of service to God Matt6:5. Rather how I exercised the freedom that comes from Jesus and found a re-centering peace.

If I am to go to Seminary, how can I live a Godly life by falling into sin? consciously. Oh and the sin of self-blame needs repenting too. I just feel so hurried about speaking the news of goodness from Jesus. That I over look the part of His plan that is uncovered in patience... Steady, peaceful, patience.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Where I Am Weak, God Is Strong.

Praise God!! I feel a further distancing of the person I could have been. We fired a security guy who worked under me for theft. What's worse is he would do it for my other co-worker who would provide him with weed in exchange. I don't wish him misery just brokenness. The last retreat I went on the speaker said, "Jesus likes to hang out at the end of our ropes." Maybe this is his although I didn't detect a sense of shame at all just signs of addictions.

A few months ago I spoke to him about my King that I serve and he was whisked away in agreement. I even got him to my young adult group to pray and feel as one in the Spirit. Today I hope his will is seen as poison -a venom that is injected with greed, evil, shame and wretchedness. It seemed more like he was looking to be caught, as he was addicted. He was laughing with the police as he left in cuffs. I have empathy with his station in life and many spoken prayers for him, But I'm betrayed ethically and just plain let down as a boss. I would have been capable of such acts had God not saved me.

Next order of business: my newness in Christ. Amazingly He did make me new, so I went ahead and started down a new career path that I've been praying for. I am sending out applications to attend Seminary or something equivalent to attain sound theology so in turn I can give sound theology in a Nico kind of vessel kinda way. I'm a long way from attending and a long way from completing the applications. One of the requirements for all of the places I've looked at so far is a carefully prepared, lengthy testimony. I'm in the middle of a very creative testimony for my young adult group and now I feel priority to get started on the seminary one. I'll finish the young adult one first though.

So those of you that pray to Jesus, please be so other-centered to include my searching in your prayers. I always pray for roadblocks to appear and fast if this path isn't mine to be taken. So far I've only found encouragement and a path that seems to open up more and more. That being said I'm being interviewed for a job that would give me a schedule that would enable school easily. It’s scheduled for ten on Friday. I'll keep you in the loop.

On a final note: I love the blog comments by those that write them or tell me face to face. It is encouraging, as my lamp just wants to share its shine. Gold is spotting those little moments where I'm conscious that I'm choosing the action, words and behavior of the Holy Spirit over my own. That happened to me today as I drove home after a day of heavily relying on prayer and the certainty of God's protection. Once the trials were over and I'm scooting home... my guard was weakened because I no longer had a mind running wild with "help, save, protect me Lord." I spot the neon liquor sign and consider beer given the exhausting day and challenging bologna I had to deal with. And from a deep feeling of gratitude I said: "No I'm gonna go home to thank and glorify the Lord." It has been a good night and day.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Poisonous Cavities of Lost Love Filled By Christ's Crown

So being with the High School kids challenged me. Their onslaught of girl scoping and insecurities made me want to force them to stare at Jesus. Yeah just throw them in a full-nelson and pry their eyelids open with a clamshell opener. We were sent on this retreat to seek and trust (especially matters of the heart) to Christ. On this retreat, I gave Him this sin of obsession. Wanting my way to unfold for these kids on a faith level almost as if God wasn’t capable of shaping these youth. I asked that the Holy Spirit might move in the spaces of my mind where those poisonous cavities existed. I prayed for the kids to find the message of Jesus more attractive that the cutie in the winter boots. Then I took a step back and remembered that my youth group in High School often placed me in situations where making out was a more common obsession than wanting Jesus.

All this leads me to the thousand pound white elephant in the room: I still have obsessive behavior about the ideal mate. I have really been defeated in the thoughts of dating/wanting a wife. My sin is raising false hope, dwelling in obsession (not stalking rather wondering). I fail to act because I find flaws, don’t have the nerve, and good old-fashioned timing. Ultimately I’m not letting God’s will do the work. Instead of putting my focus head-locked on Jesus, I’m doing these distracting, half-hearted inquisitions into the hearts of the women in my life.

I want to keep control of whom I like and want to love. Five years ago I asked a father for his daughter's hand in marriage. That’s how I did it in the secular world. My will had to unfold. It didn't and we're apart now. Thanks to God's mercy and grace I’m set apart now. That means that there is an eternal consideration in dating. The dating to get on a base is shame from my past. Honestly there is no hurry when the reality of being a child of God places me in an eternal realm. Its bad enough that the unbelievers in my life ooze this passive aggressive vibe of me being in lack because I’m not spoken for; But then my fellow believers who love the idea of me with a wife lead me to stumble too as I get whisked away again: who should I obsess over now? All the while some of my family is talking amongst themselves: “when is Nic going to get married.” (–Mom don’t worry I know you’re proud of me making it at the single life.)

Placing Christ first, undivided in my life like Paul talks about in Corinthians is my goal right now. Every martyr placed their faith in Jesus ahead of their own life undivided to the death. Given that model, you think I could submit my desire of companionship and give it up to God. In the words of Steven the Levite “Freedom like Apostle Paul. Yo, The single life is off the wall.” As in: off the chain, or off the hook, or simply the best.

As I see the peace that comes from Christ grow inside of me, I pray that in the moments of attraction I will not revert back to mutating into sin of coveting, lusting or immorality. Instead I have the opportunity offered by the Lord to give my burdens up and take the yoke of Christ. Only then will I be leading the high school youth to the living water of Jesus (instead of the full-nelson clam clamps). The Holy Spirit’s transformation of my mind will be exalted, as new thought will erase the old cavities. Once renewed, I want my only obsession to be proclaiming Gods works and great love for us all.

A Faith Worth More Than Gold But Treated Like Pyrite

So if you think that I’ve got some incredible new stuff to share with you I do. Is it good and will you enjoy it? Well if not at least its true.

The preface: My boss left about a month ago and I’m doing his duties all untrained as well as mine. I find my life in an immense shift and slide mentally. It’s something that I feel is willed by the Lord because I’m finding a clearer sight for my future that might not include retail.

I went on a super sweet retreat this past weekend as a chaperone to the teens at my church. It was in Estes Park at the YMCA. It was so cold that we barely had time to notice we were in nature. There were distractions like an all you can eat buffet for breakfast, lunch and dinner, Apples to Apples, Scrabble, and knock-out basketball.

That was a then -it feel like a very long time ago. Seven days went by in earnest effort to be undivided in my love for Jesus. At church today I was asked to prize my faith, to count it more valuable then anything else. I’ve been thinking about what that means and how my life would be directed if I knowingly placed my faith as the most important thing to guard, share and value.

Honestly though I’ve been divided and I haven’t shared with Jesus all of my life. Nor has my faith been delicately cared for and tended to like some priceless art. I’m withholding, dabbling in distractions and behaving like what’s within is less than pure gold and lots of it.

Omitting humor, I never lie. –That’s a joke. No but I am honest and through time I’ve been able to cast out lies from my phrases. In the last week I can think of two lies that I’ve said, and for no good reason. One was out of pride and another was out of wanting to fit in with the insignificant conversation topic at hand. I need to be hit over the head with a whiffle ball bat. Moreover, I need to seek Jesus in presence and forgiveness.

Another division was spending time drinking alone. When I’m feeling those “I’d rather be somewhere else” or “woe is me I’m a loner.” feelings I’ve bypassed the Lord and look forward to a beer. Instead of taking those moments and saying to Jesus I need an attitude check: “this too shall pass.” I go and spend God’s money (via my job) on some drinks. The next morning: my throats dry, nose stuffy and I need to pee horribly. Gosh I don’t miss that. That is not the way to treat the faith I have in Jesus Christ. It’s my warm gooey center.

What’s worse than the lie I told to God in prayer about being done drinking, is that I prefer to do it alone? I’m a confessed/professing Christian. So my believing and unbelieving friends and family are just going to tar and feather me. At least that’s what the Devil puts in my head. So I do it alone to hide. The one night I choose to defy my candidness, I do it with my brother Joe who I’ve been witnessing to and praying for since I became a believer. I’m sure it wasn’t a big deal to him. He didn’t even mention it. But the character I’ve put fourth as a believer has become hypocritically compromised in his subconscious (maybe?).

Recently, the day after the retreat the Holy Spirit placed on my heart that I needed an accountability partner. Help when the temptation keeps lapping up at my door and I act out in sin. One fundamental difference of me as a believer versus who I was unsaved is temptation. I never struggled with being tempted by lust. It was a part of me I was neither ashamed nor proud. Now it is declared as my enemy and it has become an addiction of behavior. I need the full armor of God. I pray constantly for the renewing of my mind, especially from sex. This last month I’ve put it high on the list of the evil that deceives me. I have someone to call now. I have and I haven’t called him, it’s been a struggle to admit sometimes.

I went for a long period not needing to guard my heart letting whatever gunk in. Now it’s my faith that I guard. There is where the actual Spirit of Jesus Christ lives within me. The rest is peanuts! I learned today that it is my job to rejoice. I have to work at it, claim it, own it and give it. Similarly, my brunch buddy recommended to pray for growth everyday even if it’s a toe’s length a day. I know I’m in a valley, I hate that temptation has turned into sin. I must rejoice through this. Because I will soon get a boss the storm will calm at work. And Jesus is my hiking buddy leading me out of the valley.
Cherish faith.
Sever the sins.
Rejoice light-heartedly.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Do You Realize?

“Do you realize?” That’s a song by one of my favorite artists: The Flaming Lips. They moonlight as philosophers and I’ve entertained their ideas to greater extent than their intent. Now that I’m submitting to the authority of the Bible I see art and philosophy in a much different light.

Rather than swelling art and thought in my head, as a consumable. I use it as a launch pad to the single truth in Christ. The lyrics are great, but they are simply the beginning of great. Here’s some of what the song says:

“Do you realize that were floating in space?
Do you realize that happiness makes you cry?
Do you realize that everyone you know some day will die?
Do you realize the sun don’t go down, it’s just an illusion caused by the world spinning round.”

These are all great thoughts that really soothed me as an unbeliever because I didn’t think in those terms. I kept my head down just plowing with the problems I had and the mountain I’ve made. So when I hear The Flaming Lips talking about the sun not setting and how we can treat people differently if we think of them as dying. Those ideas called me outside of myself. Not to serve, but simply to look outside of myself even if it was just for the duration of the song. God calls me to serve now, to share myself with kids, neighbors and friends. I am to deny myself, to die to that self centered will. So I can realize that it is imperative that Christ be victorious in the lives that are dying around me. Everyone I know will die, but many are spiritually dead now.

I think art puts the taste of God in an audience. Its got godly characteristics: creativity, communication and reaction; but rarely is it a vessel for the Gospel. Art is quick to a conflict and rare to find resolve. It is more a lawyer than a judge. That is why I think it might be hard to be a Christian artist. Audiences will listen to a lawyer all day, but hearing from a judge might be tiresome especially if the material evokes action.

I honestly don’t understand the rash of bands that claim to be saved and have bland uninventive music and non-praising lyrics. What a mute platform that is. Honestly, I will be thinking about God everyday for the rest of my life. More often than not, it will be about how Jesus changed me, and how historical, obvious and honest He has become to me.

Faith is part of our being. If these Christian bands could at least talk about how faith is real and judge what science and philosophy says about it that would be a start. As an unbeliever, I didn’t grasp faith’s existence within me. I thought it was like believing or trusting. Those virtues are learnable; they are allies to faith and if desired they can be cast out of you. –Not faith. Jesus requires our faith to gain His work of atonement.

So now that I have that personal faith founded relationship with Jesus, I’m starting to build through faith. My heart that was once broken by trusting the wrong things is now trusting in God’s will at work, in answered prayers and provision for my future.

Likewise, through faith, my beliefs are sorted through and exchanged for the Word of God. My thoughts were roofed by logic and self-discovery; now in faith I do believe that the world was created in six days and that Jesus was fully God and fully man, therefore He was without sin and able to resurrect from death and deny Satan in every trial. Jesus liberated me 2000 years before I was a twinkle in my mother’s eye.

On November 10, 2006 (love saying that) I used my faith in Jesus Christ to believe that He was thinking of me specifically as He died so slowly, painfully and unjustly. So that I could find the Father’s will and follow God.

So my mind’s at work finding creative “do you realize” statements that are highly relatable and faithful to my walk with Jesus Christ. My preacher preached about the world outside of self-concern. He molded it around “Why Praise God?” super fitting because of my latest difficulties of walking with Jesus, being sick and working lots make me revert to my selfish needs of wanting to be better now instead of enduring it.

Do you realize that we’re floating in God’s space?
Do you realize that we’re created to worship?
Do you realize that Christ saves us from the presence of sin?
Do you realize that we’re welded to eternity?
Do you realize that darkness is no place to hide?
Do you realize that obeying is freeing?

Monday, January 28, 2008

Crooked Creeks Carrying Christ

After the weekend I’ve had, I’m glad its Monday. God has replaced the 40-watt light bulb to 100 watts. The lamp onto my feet is shining brightly. Illuminating what I didn’t notice about my walk with Jesus. I heard: “Nic lets go onwards, upwards and inwards.”

I love to write, inform and emote till the sun comes up. “Write what you know about,” that was the writing class advise. Explaining my life in words is something I’ve become good at. I don’t want my entries to sound like some emotional narcissistic journal. What good is writing if Christ isn’t reflected in it or glorified? That said, I think I have great accounts of testimony and confession. This weekend I’ve learned: that’s just a crumb from the cookie.

The emphasis I put on coming to Jesus and being honest with you about who I am is exactly what God did with the Bible. I rethink and write and rewrite every phrase. Each of these entries takes about two hours. Honestly though, my talent is barren right now because I’ve realized how very little of the Bible (God’s blog site) I know. Therefore, how very little of God I know. A pastor challenged me and said: “There’s just as much of Jesus in the black letters than the red letters in the Bible.” After placing faith in Christ, loving the Lord completely, and loving thy neighbors as yourself; I think reading the Bible is the most pleasing thing a believer can do to obey God.

I’ve read a good amount of heady books. Somewhere in my mentality, I still see the Bible as a book rather than Christ who is the Word. So I’m undergoing a reformation in my life to bring to the surface the Word daily and strap it to my heart. Step one: I’m no longer just an Awana leader, but I’ve committed myself to participate in the memorization process as well. My first verse is Psalm 100:3. (Quiz me the next time you see me). “Know the Lord is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.” Second, I’m starting a discipleship Bible study one on one with a friend who’s taking seminary classes. Fitting because it’s an assignment for him.

I think before you know it, these entries will shine for Christ much more than before. I’ll be droppin’ references to the book of Hosea (just a heads-up). Because Its not about me, but the Love that saved me from anguish, sin and illness. This love, in its purest form, is the black and red of scripture.

It was fitting that I fled this weekend to the mountains. I had a week of feeling unable to analyze my emotions up until then. Numbed by loneliness, effort and fatigue. I found relaxation at a retreat for high school kids! No doubt hard to do but I arrived with stuff to surrender to the Lord.

I guess the last big point I wanted to make is in the realm of what you might already have observed within my writing style. Moreover, a long-standing theme in my life. –I’m really hard on myself. In the past, it was reactionary for me to reject a compliment. I used self-mockery constantly in my humor. Satan has used that very often in my life.

Jesus forgives me and if He can do it, so can I. As a new believer facing forgiveness is really humbling and humiliating at times. It is a process of good, many necessary tears, and adoration of Christ’s work. After that, its important to learn to forgive yourself to get back up and walk the joyful walk. Sin is forgivable. I have become able to forgive myself for that as Christ has.

God loves me as I am completely. That’s dandy, I don’t. So it’s this kind of forgiveness that I haven’t ever sought. I didn’t think I needed pardoning for self-discipline. It’s just the way I am. It’s not the sin but rather the attitude or the perspective I have of myself.

Jesus has forgiven all of me. I pray that I can forgive myself for ridiculing my self worth, not planning out my future. Wanting to be someone else. Comparing myself to other people my age. Seeking the approval of others. Taking so very much for granted. Being big, hating it, and yet too depressed to do anything about it. Not ever being able to save money. The self-scolding. Leaning on my own understanding. Not having any hope in succeeding in this world. Not planning out my life. Etc…

The list goes on, but Christ’s forgiveness is not just a part of my soul. It’s my bright, yellow and black book entitled: “Forgiveness for Dummies.” (A quick how-to). I seek to forgive myself from the thought processes that remove my focus on God’s work that He’s prepared for me to do. Thus renewing of my mind... And some day soon I’ll have the blinders off on who I am, the cyclical thoughts of my youth will expire. I will gain a light heart. And I’ll see the majesty within myself that is Christ for the first time.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Martin, Memphis and Me

My talk of bombs in the last entry seemed hopeless. I talked how evil can evoke a more convincing response in a community than good actions and deeds. All that talk was silenced on MLK Day. I got Martin Luther King’s Autobiography (I know he never wrote one). This book was approved by his estate to be called his autobiography (as it is almost entirely his writings).

Here’s an excerpt to reflect on when those evil acts seem so looming and defeating. “All methods have failed. Nonviolence is a good starting point. Those of us who believe in this method can be voices of reason, sanity, and understanding amid the voices of violence, hatred, and emotion… Racial injustice around the world. Poverty. War. When man solves these three great problems he will have squared his moral progress with scientific progress. And, more importantly, he will have learned the practical art of living in harmony” This was in the Nobel Peace prize chapter.

In Memphis, I went to where Martin Luther King was gunned down on the balcony of the Lorraine Motel. The motel has become the National Civil Rights Museum. Martin was in Memphis for a sanitation worker’s strike promoting his Southern Christian Leadership Conference focus on what was called The Poor People’s Campaign. This was a push to bring the poor to Washington, to force the government to address the jobless and secure income for all. By now most the civil rights violations had already been deemed unconstitutional.

Martin lived for Christ. He went to jail constantly. Insults and beatings happened often. He was stabbed in Harlem. His house got bombed, He’s arguably the best speechwriter and presenter in American history. Was he ever despondent to the calling of the Holy Spirit? Not a bone of Jonah in him it seems. Many things about the museum seared the civil rights movement on my heart and mind. The museum was intense. There were people that would just pull up to the motel parking lot, get out, touch the motel, share a moment of silence and leave. There was a protestor that had been in a tarp tent just off the property of the museum ever since the motel got converted into a museum.

The museum was set up in stages. One of the stages was how might it feel to be a non-violent protestor amid someone attacking you. Another was the phases of the movement: bus strikes, lunch counter sit-ins, marches, and overflowing the jail system. From city to city little things would change a different aspect of the law would be tested. Montgomery, Atlanta, Greensboro, Albany, Birmingham, March on Washington, St. Augustine, Selma, Los Angeles-Watts, Chicago, and Memphis.

Martin faced violent enemies but also he tried, (prayed no doubt) that his movement would not turn violent from his side. In LA it sure did, in Albany GA also. This mad him angry because he insisted that this country had a moral compass and would react to Non-violence philosophy. Some of his best speeches are the ones in these towns where he is uncompromising in sharing God and nonviolence practice with the movement. After the violence in Albany, Dr. King called for a day of prayer for atoning the breach of non-violence. That day concluded at city hall where he held a prayer vigil and got arrested. In jail he rarely ever posted bail, keep in mind the jail conditions were horrible and hot. He went where people asked him to go. His writings often say stuff like: “I had to stay with them.” or “Our faith seems to be vindicated.”

By now the museum turns to the act of murder. I’ve made to the glass-encased room with the balcony door open and the famous pointing picture near by. The insane injustice, the act of evil really put a gulp in my throat. Seeing that room makes me think of how we as Christians have no home in this world.

Dr. King’s famous “letter from a Birmingham Jail” is to clergy that asked him to reconsider all he’s doing. They claimed the Reverend’s actions to be too much law breaking. All and all they called his actions “Unwise and untimely.”

The other building that is part of the museum is about 200 feet away. I passed through a dark tunnel and went up the stairs and into the room where the gunman shot and killed Martin Luther King. I looked out the same window as the gunman… The room I was in now preserved the act, the autopsy, the gunman’s bio and the investigation. This perch was a highly contrasting moment to the museum. It gave me a feeling of empty, evil, senselessness (a large contrast from the Lorraine Motel that is filled with meaning, strength and prevailing justice).

In juxtaposing Dr. King’s “I have a dream” speech with the next to last speech in the autobiography, I found this fitting quote from Dr. King at the end of the book: “The Apostle Paul talked one day about wanting to go to Spain. It was Paul’s greatest dream to go to Spain, to carry the gospel there. Paul never got to Spain. He ended up in a prison cell in Rome. This is the story of life… So many of our forebears used to sing about freedom. And they dreamed of the day that they would be able to get out of the bosom of slavery, the long night of injustice.”

All that being said, go to Memphis and read the works of Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I’ve only read a sprinkle but the civil rights movement, his walk with Christ, and nonviolent philosophy are all unforgettable to me.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Consistancy of Character: Accountability

I wanted to respond to my last entry. Corny, cheesy are words that come to mind. I am in a whimsical, swept off my feet, intimate relationship with Jesus. Still though, as a believer, there is a need for stern accountability. Not just “rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens.” Which came across big last entry.

I know I’m dearly loved and treasured by God. That’s why Satan is angry of my professions of Jesus Christ as lion in my jungle. My mind is fitting for that image. I am a guided bomb of joy because of my faith in Christ. As Sun Ra would say “this world is Angels and Demons at play” but inside my world I’m constantly asking for the dismissal of demons namely Satan.

I know the lurking, chameleonesque qualities of the Devil. He shows up at my work constantly. Satan commissions people so his willing minions sometimes come face to face with me. So if I’m busy on cloud 9 with Jesus these actors for sin and Satan will be effective in their ploy. (I’m not talking devil worshippers though some may be.

I’m talking more about the person with that goes to the men’s bathroom and plasters a bomb threat on the wall. He makes my grammar look good. As I research footage, I see the person amped on something with death on his face. No shame, remorse or warmth. Then I realize that I’m totally under-reacting. What is the fairness in the fact that Satan can conspire with the broken to play with a community’s fear? Moreover, instill in me (a follower of Christ) a passive: “the dude was high on something” attitude.

As lovers of the Lord can we threaten lives of a community with forgiveness and hugs? I makes me think of activists that claim to be from a Christian perspective. The secular world lumps all of Christianity as such because of the acting out few. At least you can’t say they’re apathetic. I’ve been talking lots about this with a co-worker that generalizes Christians instead of seeing them as spiritual beings having a one on one relationship with Jesus.

That said, I wanted to revert back to the accountability piece. After Vacation Bible School this summer, where I earned my stripes as Ref Nic (referee/activity leader). One of the mom’s of the church came up to me and said something along the lines of: “Thanks so much for being a part of VBS. I think its great that the kids have someone your age to hold accountable for what it means to live for Jesus.” Double gulp. Uhh, yeah about that... Where did I sign up for the late 20’s representative for the Lord? Few chats have impacted me more during my first year as a believer. This faith commitment is nonstop and defining. The pressure of being an example is not much of a burden if all is brought in the light. Consistance of character baby!

So I try to be an example all the time. At church, at my work, in my family, and especially behind closed doors. Represent, represent-zent! That said, I believe earlier in the book of James it says that we as believers are asked to confess our sins to one another. “So that we may be healed.” -Not forgiven, but healed. I am only forgiven by Jesus Christ. Well here it is: My brother and I have been working on my new home for about six weeks now and I’ve supplied him with ample beer throughout. It’s just something he does when he works. I’ve held my own ground by not joining him at all (even when the fridge had many). Last night I was just chillin’ and all of a sudden I wasn’t convinced that I’ve completely repented from this sin (drunkeness not drinking). So I drank, disobeyed, broke my promise and tested what I thought was repentance.

To remove the temptation, I brought it to my old apartment, which is almost empty. I am weak to have missed that feeling and a sinner for my lack of self-control. God gave me months of no alcohol so I can’t underrate that victory. I know I’m treasured by Jesus! So I can’t dwell on the self imposing guilt or give any little credit to the devil. This faith walk thing is hard, its in the mercy of the blood that I am free. And by the grace of God’s love that I’m healing. Which in turn, is how I learn to be accountable.

Friday, January 18, 2008

I Got A Love

I got a love. This lover cares about me more than my mom worries about me. This one-of-a-kind friend loves my feelings more then my looks; eat your heart out girls. Even though I go out of my way to look smooth and crispy, it’s my inner being that is the object of attraction. Can you believe it? Our relationship has beauty, and not the In Touch magazine kind of beautiful. We were totally made for each other.

Meeting the family, I was super-nervous. I was so sure that I was going to be judged, compared to, and then told to loose weight (you know more like my family). Almost all of them didn’t care… Instead they wanted to see how we were gonna fly together, they were super encouraging and made sure that I got to know exactly who I was making a commitment to.

We’re flying the friendly skies. The good times don’t last forever except maybe in heaven. Its totally sinking in... I’m not good enough, the things I do are so bland, unhealthy and selfish. I doubt someone who reads to the blind and gives restaurant leftovers to the bums really wants to come home to moody-me. This isn'tan invite to hate on Nic, I love myself for the most part. Its like the old song goes: “I’m just a song and a dance; you’re a symphony!” When we’re together, I’m actually experiencing love: everything from the confiding, the support, and simple light-hearted joy. It’s great to get the affection of a lover who is flat out good and good to me. Ours is deeper than the emotional feeling of love, it’s an invested relationship. The constant communication is nice, for now… Lets just say its something I need to get used to.

I know I can’t find anyone better, believe me I’ve tried. So now the question is this: will we see each other through a paragraph, page, chapter or end of my life? What is it I have thats good enough for me to be loved so tremendously? I’m starting to set our hopes and dreams on marriage. Its still a long ways away, but I will stay committed and devoted until that great day of total union!!

The gig is up: I’m in love with Jesus Christ (my lover by sacrifice, my brother by obedience to God, my spiritual mate by His Holy Spirit alive within me, my teacher by example and my judge because of His perfection). I know, in the Bible it doesn’t say that Christ gave His restaurant leftovers or that He read to the blind. It was simple "what if" thinking to indicate the contrast of how I want to act now that Christ’s spirit prompts me. Afterall He died for me so I am to live for Him. I think Paul clearly states how great it is to be single: so that the centralization of one’s devotion is exclusively for Jesus. Similarly, In the words of a great Jazz standard: “I’m putting all my eggs in one basket, I’m putting everything I got on you.” That being, faith alive in acts.

Tonight, I came from an incredibly encouraging time of exploring the status of my personal relationship with Jesus. There was this ensuing joy that I wanted to express so this came out. Sorry for the parts where the metaphors really don’t lign up with the character of Jesus or myself. I tried dearly not to indicate gender. What’s funny was that the first draft was a “Valley Girl” in love/dating Jesus. She said “like, LOL, and OMG” at least once in every sentence.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Shadow of a Doubt

I was feasting on the blessings that the Lord amasses for me. When unprovoked comes a quite literal “shadow of a doubt”. A shadow by nature is deceptive, black and absent of light. Now imagine the kind of shadow created by doubt. How does that travel to the heart, mind and actions? One of the very first Bible quotes my Awana class had to memorize was: “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9

This was strange to me because growing up I always thought of my heart as being a fortress from the evils of the world and the preserver of my individuality. All in all: the place where natural things come from.

On November 10th 2006 I submitted my heart, mind and faith to Jesus Christ. It wasn’t my intuitive heart or analytical brain that mattered. -It was in rendering my faith to Jesus (real basic from the inside looking out). Remember my context: I didn’t think faith was a real thing beyond a belief. There’s more to faith than believing. My foundation has finally been activated through faith. I now have the cornerstone and capstone of who I am: Jesus Christ.

My heart that I so willingly gave that day has become like learning a foreign language. What anguish, brokenness and selfishness my heart used to hold. – I seemed ok with it all. Now I’m trying to cry it out, lighten up and accept the love from God. I am trying to fill my heart with God’s will, promises and path.

So when that shadow of a doubt came at me this last week, through Satan’s usual avenues, which are typically closed for construction by the Holy Spirit. The darkness came fast and I didn’t slow down as the Spirit of God was suggesting. I didn’t remind myself that these thoughts are outside of the light, filled in by darkness and nothing other than deception. I’m talking about feeling like a failure, not clinging to the hopefulness in Christ and getting a bad attitude of irrelevance. I simmered on it thinking it ironic that here, amidst my new found provision in God: I’m feeling like a loser. Failing at work, with friendships, burdening my family, and not seeing hope unfolding. Suddenly comes a tidal wave of temptation wanting to tornado its way through God’s repairs.

This year I’m seeking to redeem money and health sins, so those were the first to fall prey. A buddy asked me to play some poker. I thought I repented from that a year ago. I concluded that gambling is the single most stupid and sinful thing you can do with money. Yet there I was: raising pre-flop. Don’t even get me started on bluffing. I spent three days bummed out with the classic textbook symptoms: over eating and over sleeping. What self-righteousness to tamper with my days of old (in the shadows).

Temptation started to mingle with sin more. It was Sunday and though I’ve surprisingly grown to care little about football. I tried to tell myself that I didn’t need to go to church because it was the playoffs. Later in the day I tried to talk myself out of going to Awana and my young adult group. What garbage had entered my life? I have no right to feel this way. Satan and the souvenirs of depression held me at a pause trying to tell me that church and my activities are meaningless fruitless chores. The Devil didn't talk me out of going instead I arrived at all the days events hungry and desperate for Jesus. Christ was glorified and with grace He held me. I confessed my sins, turned the panic over to Him and I remembered the things I love about him: omnipresence, His bride of believers, His finding me, His provision, His Word, His perfection, and His forgiveness no matter the sin.

After my day, I went home to fill my picture frames. I spent two hours searching through great photos of family and my past travels. I became totally filled with gratitude for the kindness and love flaring out from my past. I was in total awe. I glimpsed with hindsight at God working around me all the years of my life. And how very much He always loved me. God was willing to hold out so very long for me. I owe Jesus the whole of me. I’m all for the service to the King, who forgives and softens the hearts that are hard from sin and Satan. I thank the work of God that lead me away from the shadow of a doubt I endured last week.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Patience, Confidence

Ever been quick to claim a major change in life as a gift from God? Then you become unsure if it is really a gift –moreover if it’s from God. I’m feeling that enormously at work. I have been appointed to a position that I freely accepted without out much praying about it (as it fell in my lap). Granted, I was praying for a better job. So when the offer came I was thankful. My head was calculating the gains, picturing me succeeding and busy proving to my heart that God wanted this for me.

It has been a gain. The pros totally outweigh the cons. But the “meat and potatoes” of my title is to catch a thief. Moreover, to do it in a way that adheres to the company’s policy. Training was extensive for this reason. The boss of my boss even supports and encourages me asking about my technique and sympathizing with the time it takes to catch the first one.

All that being said, I’m plagued with impatience; riddled with roaming the retail floor trying to suspect everyone. The longer I follow the merchandise, the more I forget to pretend shop. I have a route around the store much like blood in the chambers of the heart. It’s easy to loose awareness after the fiftieth lap. I’m still training my eyes and ears while the internal dialog is loudly assessing behavior. This job is so much harder than what outsiders think (for that matter, what I though of it as a uniformed security guard).

I’ve been successful at watching thieves yet restricted by procedures to apprehend. This week seems to be the metal breaking point where impatience gave way to failure. Where I have compromised process for results and could have lost my job on two different occasions. I recovered the stolen items but not correctly. Why can’t I trust in God to create the correct circumstance?

Some byproducts of this disposition include: doubt that God’s will is at work, fear that I will fail and pressure to lose patience. At work I can let it roll off of me, by going through the motions. The effort is there I just get blurred. I love what I do the results have yet to show that. I pray for apprehensions daily.

When I got home today, a feeling of depression, exhaustion and failure gripped me. This has become an exception rather than the rule to my life (Thanks to the yoke of Jesus). So those ugly habits (sin by intent) like overeating, sleeping and escaping into a movie showed up. I realized what I was doing. I stopped and just prayed about it. Was it my job leading me to this state? Is catching “bad guys” a gift God had in store for me? Killer doubt for sure.

So when I turned to my latest lesson in my Bible study, how fitting was it that it centered on the last days of John the Baptist and his circumstance of doubt. Matt 11:1-10. My study guide pointed out that given all the glorious promises of being a provided-for child of God, we often think that our lives should be easy. The glory of knowing Jesus is intertwined with the privilege of suffering with Him.

I don’t think that this only applicable if you are evangelizing/prophesizing as John the Baptist was. It is part of the faith walk -no matter the vocation on earth. That is why I bring all my confusion and questions about thief catching to Jesus. He alone knows my reasoning powers and can pair it up to my situation.

Thinking about all this makes me value confidence. I think Jesus must have oozed confidence as an earthling, in how He responded to people, shunned Satan and endured God’s will to the death. Amazing model when I’m so quick to tell myself: “Nic you can even do what you get paid for.”

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

New Years In Life

First thing I did come 2008 was to rescue a kitten from up a tree. Just kidding it was way too cold for that. On New Years Eve, there was an old friend of mine stranded downtown having missed his corresponding flight because of a late bus. He calls me up and with happiness I get ready to scoop him up. I haven’t seen this French guy in over a year. He’s totally a funny, loving and gentle dude.

I remembered the last time we talked: it was weeks before I became born again. So now I’m super stoked to show him the works of the Lord in my life and the turnaround I had. So my minds made up! I can’t revert or cower into who I was when he knew me best. So with the eager assistance of the Spirit, I’m practicing all the best angles of my testimony in my head. I’m thinking of Bible verses and important points to bring up about the singularity of God’s truth and how huge praying is. He’ll get to meet my new league of friends at a fun masquerade party.

Then wham: he calls back and says that he needs to catch a flight tonight or else he’ll lose his ticket. We continued with a, “it would have been nice to see each other” rant. I was completely bummed. As soon as I hung up, I just thought about how set my mind was; how mad and sad I was that I wasn’t going to see my friend. I was acting stubborn and disappointed.

Then I though of how God has His “mind” set on me. So when His plan for my life was being traded for habitual sin, I imagine God got stubborn and disappointed. So I prayed about it, wondered why and just gave the situation up to Jesus. I told Him that my friend needed to rest the truth... Well I went to my party, made a sweet mask, dodged dancing and saw the ball drop.

Not more than ten minutes into ’08 I get this call from my French buddy telling me to come pick him up, he didn’t catch a flight. Instead, he booked a flight for New Years Day at no extra charge! So I go pick him up. I was thrilled to see him and spend time with him. It was joyful and I shared my faith with him.

Then we woke up, I shared some more philosophical and artistic points of how great God is (and proved it by showing the new condo to him). I told him what a big blessing my job was, how my weaknesses are being whipped into shape there. I think he really got a good picture of the “new lease on life” I have. After we killed time by visiting Red Rocks, one of my favorite places in Denver area.

So tonight I’m praying for his turn around. That the people he sits next to will continue to steer him to Jesus or that a Bible will become available for him. If he writes me I’ll try and give him one. Mostly though I’m praying for that defining moment where a total paradigm shift occurs at the feet of Christ the King.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

A Salsa of a Night

The last few days of the years have been challenging: Everything from choosing the right curtains in my new place to nearly being fired. Add a night of Salsa dancing, a tear-filled sermon and the Nickster is spent.

The thing I wanted to highlight was the night of dancing. I generally can keep a beat. In trying to Salsa, I find that I really can’t keep beat, count, lead and not step on toes at the same time. I had some super patient partners that rotated so none of them got stuck with me all night (I did improve mind you).

Dancing aside I was feeling some serious social anxiety. We went to this rather hip Salsa club with a fat $10 cover. I knew that I would never see these people again (save my friends) but still, everyone was watching me dance badly and the only thing I could do about it is not dance or not care. I did both and in that order. My manic mind was fuel for the Devil to say: “This isn’t you Nic. What are you thinking? You left all this behind, you should hate this.”

That snowballed into: “Who do these women think they are to display their sexuality like it’s a thing to be displayed, touched and passed on. And the scumbag guys with their big eyes getting cheap thrills because they touched, mingled and imposed themselves as a leader.” Oh and did I mention the Vodka reps. with lighted accessories?

As my thinking was brewing judgementalness, hate and consequential anxiety I prayed and shared with a friend. Somewhere in there, I realize that God was at work in this situation. The Holy Spirit through grace has switched out my notorious sins of drinking, lusting and mental conspiring. That night, those pitfalls were replaced with this over-protective layer of love, where a light-hearted innocence would keep my eyes righteous and my mind for the Lord. While dancing, I was either looking at my partner’s feet or eyes. (I did check out lots of guy’s feet to see where I was going wrong.)

As a result, my mentality changed, I willingly participated in an event that is quite aside from everything I normally do. I had joy and the Bible passage that says we are to be innocent to sin (I thought it was in Thessalonians but couldn’t find it). I was the guy at the club with no sexual vibe or loosened logic.

God redeems those notorious old trenches of my life! Praise and thank Him for answering my prayers of hopelessness and guilt for such outdated sins.