I'm behind in my devotionals for youth group and my young adult group. I'm behind on my laundry, Christmas shopping and sleep. But here I am aroused by my heart to write 'round midnight about God's control of my life and how sovereign His power is over my seeming busy life. To onlookers there is no doubt that I'm very active. Am I gonna flip and go nuts? Burn out and quit? Or stay the course and rely on Jesus? The answer resides in the shift in character that happened on November 10, 2006.
As an unbeliever, whenever I was too busy the mania was at its worse. It seemed impossible to be happy and worry consumed me. I was very talented at talking myself out of doing things social or asked of me. I made plenty of time for drinking and smoking to substitute people and forget about my burdens. I hated running out of weed; without it, I would get these mood spells that glorified what pot can do to my mind. I lusted and desired that constantly. I wasn't some hippie that acted all lovie, or partier that only smokes chronic. I smoked because it had a control on me: life all by itself could not be tolerated without getting lifted. I honestly thought I would smoke pot until the day I died. The feeling I desired was heavy on my body, tingling at times but my mind would just delight in the imagination offerings of marijuana. No hallucinations, or visuals but a rambling stream of great thoughts (or so one thinks at the time).
I see myself today in seemingly similar context at the surface. However I'm handling my mood spells by glorifying God for what He does to my mind. Being happy when stressed is possible. I rely on Jesus and learn to desire Him more fully in my life. Turning to God with everything I have is the only way I can live. I just forget to do that sometimes. That's when my wretchedness resurfaces even if only for a moment to remind me that I fail on my own. -All my thoughts, my actions and hopes are failure without it being offered up to God first. His will is victorious, His truth kept and knowledge is infinite. Not my contrived temporal solutions. Quick fixes like weed won't ever add up to the repair (restoration) Jesus' shed blood on the cross does. Reading the Bible and praying to Jesus are the best ways I can turn to Him.
Romans 12 is the fuel for this entry, because God continues to restore my mind. I get burps of my old mind that cause me to act out or be tempted to sin. I feel the old coping mechanisms often -including tonight. I turn to Jesus and He keeps me busy. Christ has the power to change my mind. I turn to Him and while I just talk to Him suddenly the grip is loosed. And the "fever of temptation" passed. Even though my old self had my mind going down a predictable path to act out in sin. God changed it into something He can use to glorify Himself. I'm spared from my sinful ways even if only a moment. I hate my sin, and tonight God showed me His sovereignty over the pace of my life, which can catch me off guard.
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