After the weekend I’ve had, I’m glad its Monday. God has replaced the 40-watt light bulb to 100 watts. The lamp onto my feet is shining brightly. Illuminating what I didn’t notice about my walk with Jesus. I heard: “Nic lets go onwards, upwards and inwards.”
I love to write, inform and emote till the sun comes up. “Write what you know about,” that was the writing class advise. Explaining my life in words is something I’ve become good at. I don’t want my entries to sound like some emotional narcissistic journal. What good is writing if Christ isn’t reflected in it or glorified? That said, I think I have great accounts of testimony and confession. This weekend I’ve learned: that’s just a crumb from the cookie.
The emphasis I put on coming to Jesus and being honest with you about who I am is exactly what God did with the Bible. I rethink and write and rewrite every phrase. Each of these entries takes about two hours. Honestly though, my talent is barren right now because I’ve realized how very little of the Bible (God’s blog site) I know. Therefore, how very little of God I know. A pastor challenged me and said: “There’s just as much of Jesus in the black letters than the red letters in the Bible.” After placing faith in Christ, loving the Lord completely, and loving thy neighbors as yourself; I think reading the Bible is the most pleasing thing a believer can do to obey God.
I’ve read a good amount of heady books. Somewhere in my mentality, I still see the Bible as a book rather than Christ who is the Word. So I’m undergoing a reformation in my life to bring to the surface the Word daily and strap it to my heart. Step one: I’m no longer just an Awana leader, but I’ve committed myself to participate in the memorization process as well. My first verse is Psalm 100:3. (Quiz me the next time you see me). “Know the Lord is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.” Second, I’m starting a discipleship Bible study one on one with a friend who’s taking seminary classes. Fitting because it’s an assignment for him.
I think before you know it, these entries will shine for Christ much more than before. I’ll be droppin’ references to the book of Hosea (just a heads-up). Because Its not about me, but the Love that saved me from anguish, sin and illness. This love, in its purest form, is the black and red of scripture.
It was fitting that I fled this weekend to the mountains. I had a week of feeling unable to analyze my emotions up until then. Numbed by loneliness, effort and fatigue. I found relaxation at a retreat for high school kids! No doubt hard to do but I arrived with stuff to surrender to the Lord.
I guess the last big point I wanted to make is in the realm of what you might already have observed within my writing style. Moreover, a long-standing theme in my life. –I’m really hard on myself. In the past, it was reactionary for me to reject a compliment. I used self-mockery constantly in my humor. Satan has used that very often in my life.
Jesus forgives me and if He can do it, so can I. As a new believer facing forgiveness is really humbling and humiliating at times. It is a process of good, many necessary tears, and adoration of Christ’s work. After that, its important to learn to forgive yourself to get back up and walk the joyful walk. Sin is forgivable. I have become able to forgive myself for that as Christ has.
God loves me as I am completely. That’s dandy, I don’t. So it’s this kind of forgiveness that I haven’t ever sought. I didn’t think I needed pardoning for self-discipline. It’s just the way I am. It’s not the sin but rather the attitude or the perspective I have of myself.
Jesus has forgiven all of me. I pray that I can forgive myself for ridiculing my self worth, not planning out my future. Wanting to be someone else. Comparing myself to other people my age. Seeking the approval of others. Taking so very much for granted. Being big, hating it, and yet too depressed to do anything about it. Not ever being able to save money. The self-scolding. Leaning on my own understanding. Not having any hope in succeeding in this world. Not planning out my life. Etc…
The list goes on, but Christ’s forgiveness is not just a part of my soul. It’s my bright, yellow and black book entitled: “Forgiveness for Dummies.” (A quick how-to). I seek to forgive myself from the thought processes that remove my focus on God’s work that He’s prepared for me to do. Thus renewing of my mind... And some day soon I’ll have the blinders off on who I am, the cyclical thoughts of my youth will expire. I will gain a light heart. And I’ll see the majesty within myself that is Christ for the first time.
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