Shadow of a Doubt

I was feasting on the blessings that the Lord amasses for me. When unprovoked comes a quite literal “shadow of a doubt”. A shadow by nature is deceptive, black and absent of light. Now imagine the kind of shadow created by doubt. How does that travel to the heart, mind and actions? One of the very first Bible quotes my Awana class had to memorize was: “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9

This was strange to me because growing up I always thought of my heart as being a fortress from the evils of the world and the preserver of my individuality. All in all: the place where natural things come from.

On November 10th 2006 I submitted my heart, mind and faith to Jesus Christ. It wasn’t my intuitive heart or analytical brain that mattered. -It was in rendering my faith to Jesus (real basic from the inside looking out). Remember my context: I didn’t think faith was a real thing beyond a belief. There’s more to faith than believing. My foundation has finally been activated through faith. I now have the cornerstone and capstone of who I am: Jesus Christ.

My heart that I so willingly gave that day has become like learning a foreign language. What anguish, brokenness and selfishness my heart used to hold. – I seemed ok with it all. Now I’m trying to cry it out, lighten up and accept the love from God. I am trying to fill my heart with God’s will, promises and path.

So when that shadow of a doubt came at me this last week, through Satan’s usual avenues, which are typically closed for construction by the Holy Spirit. The darkness came fast and I didn’t slow down as the Spirit of God was suggesting. I didn’t remind myself that these thoughts are outside of the light, filled in by darkness and nothing other than deception. I’m talking about feeling like a failure, not clinging to the hopefulness in Christ and getting a bad attitude of irrelevance. I simmered on it thinking it ironic that here, amidst my new found provision in God: I’m feeling like a loser. Failing at work, with friendships, burdening my family, and not seeing hope unfolding. Suddenly comes a tidal wave of temptation wanting to tornado its way through God’s repairs.

This year I’m seeking to redeem money and health sins, so those were the first to fall prey. A buddy asked me to play some poker. I thought I repented from that a year ago. I concluded that gambling is the single most stupid and sinful thing you can do with money. Yet there I was: raising pre-flop. Don’t even get me started on bluffing. I spent three days bummed out with the classic textbook symptoms: over eating and over sleeping. What self-righteousness to tamper with my days of old (in the shadows).

Temptation started to mingle with sin more. It was Sunday and though I’ve surprisingly grown to care little about football. I tried to tell myself that I didn’t need to go to church because it was the playoffs. Later in the day I tried to talk myself out of going to Awana and my young adult group. What garbage had entered my life? I have no right to feel this way. Satan and the souvenirs of depression held me at a pause trying to tell me that church and my activities are meaningless fruitless chores. The Devil didn't talk me out of going instead I arrived at all the days events hungry and desperate for Jesus. Christ was glorified and with grace He held me. I confessed my sins, turned the panic over to Him and I remembered the things I love about him: omnipresence, His bride of believers, His finding me, His provision, His Word, His perfection, and His forgiveness no matter the sin.

After my day, I went home to fill my picture frames. I spent two hours searching through great photos of family and my past travels. I became totally filled with gratitude for the kindness and love flaring out from my past. I was in total awe. I glimpsed with hindsight at God working around me all the years of my life. And how very much He always loved me. God was willing to hold out so very long for me. I owe Jesus the whole of me. I’m all for the service to the King, who forgives and softens the hearts that are hard from sin and Satan. I thank the work of God that lead me away from the shadow of a doubt I endured last week.