Fear and Faith Warring

 

Dear Prayer Warriors,

Gator Carwash

Simon was not very destructive. He took care of his toys, sure things got messy at times but he was never a “typical boy” with a bent on throwing, destroying and dissecting things. This contrast has come painfully to light from the behavior Victor is exhibiting these days. Simon was also a saver. It made sense to him that grander desires with a bigger price tag requires delayed gratification, selling, and some fundraising. It would have been tremendous to have seen these good habits play out into adulthood (Another thing to scratch my head about and surrender to the Lord). One of his most prized big-ticket item that he saved up to buy with the help of grandma’s birthday money was the Hot Wheels Gator Carwash. It was probably around $60. The toy captured Simon’s imagination wonderfully plus it had a car that changes color in hot water. The Gator Carwash was not available in stores, so the day he had the money mom ordered it online. When it arrived excitement and expectation filled the house. Simon took the time to build it himself since it had several levels and features. It did not disappoint and we got to send those cars through the wash endlessly.

 

Last summer we noticed that the Gator Carwash had fallen victim to neglect at the hand of our other children since we didn’t set it apart as a keepsake. Its scaffolding was broken, the slides missing, the water tower became leaky and the color changing car was nowhere to be found. It hit Lindsey particularly hard, because she remembered the entire purchase process and how Simon’s enthusiasm was sparked by it. With fondness for what was, she went on an online hunt to find another Gator Carwash. It had been discontinued, only available on Ebay nearing the price of $100. I challenged her, “do we hope that our kids could play with a Gator Wash like Simon did or do we keep the surviving alligator that came with Simon’s set as a keepsake?” It seemed to be best remembered than relived therefore we refrained from buying a new one.

 

A couple of days ago, we marked what would have been Simon’s 10^th birthday. She shopped for numerous things a ten-year-old boy would want and dropped them off at our local foster care center. Lindsey came home from grief shopping and said “you will never guess what I found at Burlington Coat Factory. The Gator Carwash!!!” It had been reduced to $40 so she bought two of them, one for a foster kid and one for ours. It meant so much to her, I was thrilled too. Lindsey shared with Renee, Anna and Victor how God providentially places blessings in our pathway that are meaningless to others but touch our hearts because He knows our heart completely.  Praise God for those circumstantial “coincidences” that only He could have orchestrated.

 

Loathing a Vasectomy

How many Christian fathers get a vasectomy without fasting and seeking God about it? I certainly fell into that category. I think this is one point where the culture has informed the church rather than the other way around. Given its personal nature, it's no wonder why I have never heard the word at church. Perhaps things would have been different if I had thought about a theology of vasectomy. Back before Simon died and we Lindsey was about to give birth to Victor the anxiousness about labor and delivery came into focus. I casually informed Lindsey that this was clearly our last kid. I recall telling (rather than asking) my bride that I was going to get a vasectomy.  Four kids was a full quiver and the standard of upbringing I wanted to furnish would seem too hard with more kids. Little did I know that Lindsey always wanted more kids.  

 

I remember praying manipulatively about my desire to get a vasectomy. I remember saying “show me open doors if this is what you want me to walk through.” Or  “Would it please God that I should get a vasectomy?”  I know it would please me to shut the door on more kids and lay this tension to rest in our marriage. Confessionally, I don’t remember pausing to hear a reply from God. Also, I think my selective hearing was on whenever I brought the issue up to Lindsey. Though I do not remember, she told me not to do it. That should have been my closed door from God. Or the Doctor I selected for the procedure suddenly moving could have been another closed door. Then came Anna’s medical needs conflicting with the second rescheduled date. Instead of accepting a “no”. I started to pray for the procedure, the doctor, and my body. It’s a shade embarrassing to recall these things because now they seem so obviously not how anyone should approach the Lord in prayer, especially for a son who knows Him.  I persisted, “give me peace Lord.”

 

 Looking back now, I consider it one of my biggest sins of commission after coming to Christ (meaning that it’s a sin that I willingly chose to partake in). I’m not sure if all Vasectomies are a sin, I can only speak for myself. I mutilated my body to stop a process that God created, for my own peace of mind. In the end I developed a hematoma because there was a procedural mistake made. I was out of work and in significant pain for six weeks. In hindsight, this is one of those places in my life where I felt a sense of punishment from God because of my rebellious decision. I clearly disappointed my bride and felt a heavy hand of discipline upon me from God. I liken it to that moment when Samuel approached Saul at Gilgal after he took priestly duties into his own hands. Samuel asked “What have you done?” Or worse, God’s question to Eve in the garden, “what have you done?” I hung my head to both God and my bride. I offered such sheepish replies like, “I had enough kids, I just didn’t think we could afford another!”

 

 Has the Lord ever asked me (or anyone else) to take control of my life and do as I please? Perhaps that is the definition of free will. However I fear Yahweh. I count on Christ; I am His slave/ bondservant. I am Bible believing, therefore, It should have been plain to see that God never tells me to be the captain of my own ship. Also, “A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does.” 1 Corinthians 7:4. My body is not my own now that I am married. It seems to me that the Lord never suggests to anyone to voluntarily get a vasectomy.  yet I did it without fasting, without considering how big of a deal it was. I took control in this matter.

 

The biggest personal pain over the vasectomy came upon Simon’s passing. In the absence of my son, I was finally able to see the foolish cost of my vasectomy. It took child loss for me to fully humble myself at the cross, I wept and pleaded the blood of Christ over my life regarding my assumptions and sins. I asked Lindsey for forgiveness and hoped she would forgive me. Amid my empty hole left by Simon, God graciously softened my heart for another kid.  That’s when I mentioned to you all to pray for another child, that was about 3 years ago. We started the training to become foster parents, I quickly learned that those kids unanimously bring lots of trauma, we were signing up for navigating more trauma without having overcome our own trauma, it didn’t feel right. We looked into international adoption which had many rigid rules depending on the agency. Biological kids had to be at least 5 years older than the adopted one, Victor was a year old. They wanted adoptive parents under 40.  Also, pursuing this was long and expensive. So we sat in our grief and grew to be content in the gift and heritage of 3 surviving “loans from the Lord” Anna, Renee and Victor.

 

 

Incredible Grace

My grief counselor/ pastor really helped me navigate the complexity of our grief and marriage. Lindsey was frustrated at our reproductive situation on top of dealing with insurmountable grief. My pastor helped me not push her away with her longings for more kids but rather to consider “hoping all things” alongside her because that is what love does. My counselor and I spent many sessions in 1 Corinthian 13. It was the idea of tuning my hopes to Lindsey’s that really spoke to me. After prayer, and searching a bit I sought a vasectomy reversal. I was not a good candidate because of the scarring from the hematoma. Insurance would cover a vasectomy but not a reversal. By God’s grace, we had money from Simon’s passing that we didn’t know what to spend it on. After seeking God and after Lindsey forgave me, we decided to hope all things together for this reversal procedure. Then nothing changed, years went by, we persisted in prayer. We spent a lot of time with God about this, in worship and surrender. What was God up to? Lindsey’s hope was fading after a couple of delayed menstrual cycles giving way to nothingness. I asked the Lord to author life abundantly through us again. We prayed through unbelief with surrender, it's all about Jesus. Then more time passed, about a year ago I stopped praying for another child altogether, and it seems that our hopes for this were not coming to pass. Lindsey and I stopped talking about it.

 

Last summer, I had a strange dream where God was asking me to try again for a child, it had been 3 years since the reversal surgery and several months since I last prayed for another child. I spoke with Lindsey about my dream and her reaction surprised me. Lindsey was afraid to inform anyone, but she hadn’t had a period in over two months. We prayed and delayed testing for several more days. To the glory of God and His lavish grace we are expecting a precious, prayed for, beloved baby girl Easter week. Circumstantially that means conception was near the commemoration of Simon’s 3^th anniversary of his passing and our upcoming birth is right around the Resurrection. That doesn’t mean much to most hearts but like the Gator Carwash we are comforted by it. All of Lindsey’s prenatal appointments are going great, we are preparing and trusting God. I hope you are filled with at least a fraction of surprise and wonder as we are. What a good gift from the Father of Lights! It's been a complete source of joy for our children to welcome a little sister. Is anything too hard for God?  

Please, I invite you all to labor in prayer for Lindsey as she labors for this child. Pray for the baby to be in the right position, for any anxiousness to be supernaturally overruled by faith. For a tremendous display of providence and grace to cover these next 6 weeks.

 

In the Love of Christ,

Nic for the Currats

Upping the Quality

 

Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

I hope this letter finds you faithful in the mission God has for you, filled with thanksgiving and worship to Him who atoned for us. Sometimes life’s needs and hurry can get in the way of taking the time to write to you, particularly when things are blessed and good.  This has been our season of late, praise the Lord. When I write these things I am aiming high in faith and there are days I feel far removed from the spiritual aspirations I convey in these emails. It is the Lord who graciously challenges me to onward to stay the course even if it's not as pretty as my words. I am at Simon’s camp enjoying unseasonably nice weather and the peacefulness that comes from slowing down, enjoying the view, and resting. For me, I have found that the lack of trials is often when inner holiness is compromised. It seems easier to walk in the flesh and desire the treasures on earth when things are good. A message reminded me that I ought to pray for a challenge, maybe to create a goal to reach, a gospel to share, or hard things to do with excellence. I’m not asking for more trials to refine me but for holiness, mission, and righteousness to compel me in personal growth. “Lord help me walk in the Spirit.” The command to love and to consider the interest of others as more important than my own are the first things I can pursue when things are good. As I evaluate my life it is really through my kids and wife that I do 90% of my other-centeredness. What usually happens is that I seem concerned for the interest of others so long as they are in my inner circle. Can I challenge myself to compassion beyond those who love me, maybe turn up the lovin’ at work? Even so, it is God’s call for me to take care of the needs of my family ahead of the outer circle. As I think and write about this, I am convicted about my prayer life. I feel I am pouring into the needs of others when I pray for them! I may not have time for others but I can plead to the Lord for them. Sorry if this seems like faith 101 here, especially because you guys have developed the pattern of praying and reading over these emails, praise God for your example to me.

 

Christmas and New Years were hard from a mourning perspective. This year it was as if I underthought my son in heaven and developed a guilt from it. What is the right amount of observance of grief for the fourth Christmas without Simon? It’s unnatural to acknowledge his absence and move on; it’s also wrong to ignore it all together. The non-talking about him came to head on Christmas day when my sister-in-law gifted us a letter she wrote to Simon. It was full of love, wonder and grief. I read it aloud among the trenches of torn wrapping paper and new gifts in hand. During that moment I desired the gift of holding Simon again and listening to him. O how my heart feels frozen in time holding him and prizing how Simon used to make me think and feel. Praise God for a pillar of faith that allows me a selah, for Jesus who grants me a reunion and a future with him knowing that God continues to make it well (enough) with my soul. One thing I have done very little of in my journey of mourning is to talk to Simon like he is right there in front of me. Largely because I have a faith that knows he is not here, and his disposition is glorious as I grieve. However, it was the letter from my sister-in-law on Christmas day that helped me see the beauty in writing a letter to Simon as if he is going to read it, to talk to him for a second as if he was still here. It showed me of the intimacy that relationships carry when love is in the middle. By God’s grace I know I am far better off to have loved and lost, then to not have had this son to love at all. Yet, I have learned to be the most satisfied, most honored when I hear of the good things coming from his absence and our grief journey. God is good, so I look for the good in the giving and the taking away, blessed be the Name of the Lord.

 

One last note on the evidence of sorrow in my family is Renee’s teeth. What has become apparent is that the depth of sadness and loss she has felt from Simon’s absence gets miss-applied to not wanting to obey or go to bed, or not wanting to go to school. She will make an emotion appeal way past a proper response akin to the depths she experienced when her brother died. So, in the moments when Renee’s insisting on mom to tuck her into bed it becomes as big of a sadness as losing her brother in the moment. I know she clings to her blankie still; I know she loves every recollection we have of Simon and I pray God will meet her in her times of inner thinking, to heal her use of emotions, anxiousness and hesitation. The other day, Renee asked me to wiggle her front baby tooth to see if it is loose and the tooth has become so small from grinding as a subconscious soothing to her that I couldn’t grasp it. It’s the size of half an Advil. I’m no dentist but I did have two kids before Renee with baby teeth and those teeth haven’t endured the grinding crucible as much as Renee’s. Let’s keep Renee covered in prayer because she continues with emotional struggles about other things because of her experience in trauma and loss.

 

One of the last prayer requests I asked for regarded Anna’s Medicaid evaluation because of the changes to Medicaid from the top down. many other families have dealt with reduced hours etc... Much to my surprise have been blessed with more approved caretaking hours for Anna. This will be a blessing to us, to her therapists, respite and nurse providers. Out of this spawned a sort of realization that my bride helped me see. Anna is so complex, challenging, and increasingly unable; yet I treat her every circumstance with blunt confidence or downplay how hard and heavy caring for her can be. It’s like I've grown insensitivity because I have accepted her “as is” for so long. Lindsey continues to serve Anna so well and I do my best when I am home for sure. However, Lindsey models the longsuffering that comes with 12 years of caring, praying and longing for the miraculous. Lindsey is the one callused from all the appointment setting, diaper changing and mess cleaning far more than me. This increase in hours has opened my eyes to see that I need to do more for Anna, obviously her needs are increasing, and I need to give Lindsey more support and space for other things. Please pray for God to show us to what extent I need to step up. It's time I stop assuming “we got this” and start pleading “Lord equip us and help us as Anna’s disability continues and the needs don’t stop coming.” Praise God for the perpetual willingness shown by a mother to sacrifice for her daughter. I am humbled by what I witness everyday if I just take a step back.  Please pray for a nurse to take our case three days a week to lessen Lindsey’s load and/or for me to step into those spaces.

 

Another point of bragging on Lindsey I would like to make is her scrutinizing our doctors particularly in their prescribing. Rather than a gullible trust that I so often have towards doctors, Lindsey always searches the "why" and "how" of everything. To showcase this, allow me to show you a recent “flip-flop” Anna’s neurologist has made. For the last 6 months, we have been going with a new neurologist who wanted to revisit the previous neurologist’s dismissal of the ESES diagnosis and treatment three years ago. Anna continues to have about 80 seizure-triggering “sparks” in her brain every minute while she sleeps. Without a 3 day stay at the hospital, our new neurologist started treating Anna with a high dose of Valium nightly for this first month. On February 2^nd we will assess its effectiveness and choose to continue or stop it. There have been great gains in cognition from past participants even though the results vary greatly. From my impression Anna seems to sleep more deeply. Pray for Jesus to use this treatment to bring healing to Anna’s neurological injuries. In other Anna news,  she hasn’t had any Urinary Tract Infections this winter. She is doing great and continues to be such a joy to be around. We need prayer for our ramp van to get fixed; the ramp has a broken wheel making it risky to use. The repair place seems more interested in selling ramp vans than fixing old ones. Pray for progress with this. We’re pausing horseback therapy for a season to do in-home physical therapy for Anna. Also, Anna’s last Cerebral Palsy evaluation from the CP clinic showed good things, no further development of scoliosis. We still blend for her and supplement her formula, praise God she is at about 80 pounds now. Oh, and praise God we received all the medical equipment we were asking for including a tricycle for Anna!

 

Thank you for praying and happy New Year!

Nic for the Currats