Anxiety is a common thought process to a Bi-Polar person. Anxiety coupled with fear leads me to a state of doubt. I faced this mental sin today. Not doubting on my faith, maybe just doubting that it's God's will to get me to 14,200+ feet twice in one day (as was the plan). -Definate mental blockage. To come clean I'm 6'4, 290 pounds, heavy drinker until recently, ex-smoker after ten years and Marijuana for seven. My physical body is regenerating from the muck I've become in the 28 years of my unbelieving. that aside, lets keep in mind the running theme of God as all powerful.
5:00 AM departure and arrival at 6:45 we git our hike on after a four mile FWD trail in a Jeep. Half of the crew; my brother, mother, neice and sister-in-law left without waiting for us as they spent the night up at the trail head. Steady climb, I'm sweating in under five minutes according to my T-shirt. My breath is panting triple-time in the early, brisk mountain air. Feeling out of my element and talking in my head about excuses to avoid the top. I'm hiking with my neighbors and their friend -all of whom have never climbed a fourteener before. I have climbed thirteen but none in the last ten years!! Can you feel the grip of anxiety tightening? About twenty minutes into the climb we see the peaks Gray's and Torres...
Two of them, two and a half miles from sea level. It dawns on me, I signed up for a 3,000 foot elevation gain and nine mile round trip if both is attained. Enter the doubt into my conciousness. I'm dragging the crew's pace, their encouraging though. I finished a liter of water within 45 minutes, "The first hour's the worst" I told myself. I was strickly breathing out of my mouth and went through the catalog of praise songs dwelling in my head and heart. Though no vocal utterance, it was sung within. I felt a headache coming on -and why couldn't my brother have waited for us surly my neice could have encouraged me. Another hour goes by, that was easier because the trail was leading us up above timber line and into the amphitheatre where the peaks join into the valley. With me at the foot of the vertical ascent I cringed with fear. This was an authentic David and Goliath moment.
On the trail, there are rock stacks indicating that you are on the right path. Well just where the trail hits the ascent is this little lady seated with banana chips, a hand knitted hat, and a first edition North Face backpack (ole'school). Since my neighbors were ahead they recognized her as my mom and that got me fired up. That was the end of her climb, how amazing to me was her willingness/desire to climb yet couldn't. We chatted and mom pointed out my brother and his wife and kid. I mustered my best Swiss alpinist voice and shouted for William. My neice Isabelle waved, they were a football feild away. I was like "we'll catch'em in no time." I tried climbing double time, it was a manifestation of happiness to see my neice. The cat and mouse game begun and whatever anxiety I had was gone for a moment.
Shortly after, I hit a sort of exertion-wall. Breathing aside, my head felt really light and a dizzying effect settled in. I stopped to eat an apple and polish off my second liter of water. My hip also was making a plea for attention, my calf muscles felt rock hard and totally strained. I got overwhelmed. My fellow climbers didn't know the panic I was in other than the dizziness, it was up to God, I tried my best and fell short.
I prayed, and this thought entered my head: Christ knows what its like to have over-exerted calf muscles. I had the imagery of Jesus carrying the cross and falling and seeing Him get up again and again. And, (like the consolidating of anxiety leading to doubt) came a culmination of worship. Applying trust in Christ gave me a prayer for the remorse I felt for treating my body so badly for many years.
Each step became recovery. Bible quote after Bible quote I came to realize that it was God's all powerful driving force inching me up that mountain. -Don't misunderstand me, its not like I put on Holy-high tops and I bounced on up to the summit. I remained powered-out but not in my heart. Every hundred feet I'ed stop to catch my breath, this made a patient climb for my buddies. Hold everything... Its Isabelle (my little mouse) from up top shouting down at me that she made it. I told her that I wished I was there but to save me a spot.
This internal purging seemed so necessary if I am to follow where the Lord leads me... Or else, the next thing you know is me being stuck in the belly of a whale. yuck.
Back to the top of Gray's we go. I'm there and so is the wind. My hands get crazy cold and we're on the wrong side of the wind shelter. I get hugs from my crew and my super-cool neice and her parents. Photo's, five minute lunch, and a choice to make: Should we do Torres peak too? Its only a mile more since the mountains are connected by a drooping ridge. The dizziness left me. Isabelle's party alreay hit the trail towards the second summit. My climbing buddies were wanting to give it a go. So I said: "If you guys want to wait for me and go at my pace I'll give it a shot." We did.
The trail to the other peak goes two feet from edge showing a thousand foot drop at least five times enroute to the summit. I'm not completely afraid of heights (if there is a retaining barrier). I remembered the night before, a friend telling me that Torres is dangerous when there's lots of wind. Now though I was too preoccupied with breathing and being dizzy again. I got up to the summit relying on God, turning my life over to Him in this time of helplessness.
Other climbers just loved seeing my five year old neice. While she's getting a high five from a stranger my sister-in-law says: "Isabelle was doing some whining until she saw you. Not everyone's got an uncle Nico who challenges her to get to the top first. That really motivated her."
I replied: "She was the one I was dying to reach." Great how unknowingly inspiring we were to one another. The sun came out on the way down, I was pleased that I was able to make both summits and still have gummy bears leftover. Talking on the way down wasn't a problem, but where was my worship now that I can help myself? I retreated to the back of the pack; Proclaimed victory and thanksgiving to God, and thought it possible to rely on God this much every day. It is very possible. I grabbed a three pound rock with lyken ((misspelled?) a neon green moss that mountain goats love). I drank over a gallon of water.
I turned to God and asked for help throughout the hike. In prayer, I surrendered my mind and body to Jesus Christ asking for forgiveness from anxiety,fear and doubt. I totally trust that Jesus knows what I'm going through and how it feels. So by grace, the Holy Spirit redeemed what was preventing me from summiting those mountaintops -and the ones in my future.
None of this story, this trip or even this blog entry was my glory, hard work or reveal. It God proving the love of Christ alive in one of His children on earth. Now I'm still leaving out lots, but one more mention on my heart is this: "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."(Eph2:10) I am (we are) created in Christ! God's letting me know that unbelievers need Christ if they are to become fully what God made them for. I chewed on that verse and placed anxiety onto Christ's crucifixion hoping for a wholeness with God. Living to do the good works that God has prepared me to do. yipee!!
