After the weekend I’ve had, I’m glad its Monday. God has replaced the 40-watt light bulb to 100 watts. The lamp onto my feet is shining brightly. Illuminating what I didn’t notice about my walk with Jesus. I heard: “Nic lets go onwards, upwards and inwards.”
I love to write, inform and emote till the sun comes up. “Write what you know about,” that was the writing class advise. Explaining my life in words is something I’ve become good at. I don’t want my entries to sound like some emotional narcissistic journal. What good is writing if Christ isn’t reflected in it or glorified? That said, I think I have great accounts of testimony and confession. This weekend I’ve learned: that’s just a crumb from the cookie.
The emphasis I put on coming to Jesus and being honest with you about who I am is exactly what God did with the Bible. I rethink and write and rewrite every phrase. Each of these entries takes about two hours. Honestly though, my talent is barren right now because I’ve realized how very little of the Bible (God’s blog site) I know. Therefore, how very little of God I know. A pastor challenged me and said: “There’s just as much of Jesus in the black letters than the red letters in the Bible.” After placing faith in Christ, loving the Lord completely, and loving thy neighbors as yourself; I think reading the Bible is the most pleasing thing a believer can do to obey God.
I’ve read a good amount of heady books. Somewhere in my mentality, I still see the Bible as a book rather than Christ who is the Word. So I’m undergoing a reformation in my life to bring to the surface the Word daily and strap it to my heart. Step one: I’m no longer just an Awana leader, but I’ve committed myself to participate in the memorization process as well. My first verse is Psalm 100:3. (Quiz me the next time you see me). “Know the Lord is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.” Second, I’m starting a discipleship Bible study one on one with a friend who’s taking seminary classes. Fitting because it’s an assignment for him.
I think before you know it, these entries will shine for Christ much more than before. I’ll be droppin’ references to the book of Hosea (just a heads-up). Because Its not about me, but the Love that saved me from anguish, sin and illness. This love, in its purest form, is the black and red of scripture.
It was fitting that I fled this weekend to the mountains. I had a week of feeling unable to analyze my emotions up until then. Numbed by loneliness, effort and fatigue. I found relaxation at a retreat for high school kids! No doubt hard to do but I arrived with stuff to surrender to the Lord.
I guess the last big point I wanted to make is in the realm of what you might already have observed within my writing style. Moreover, a long-standing theme in my life. –I’m really hard on myself. In the past, it was reactionary for me to reject a compliment. I used self-mockery constantly in my humor. Satan has used that very often in my life.
Jesus forgives me and if He can do it, so can I. As a new believer facing forgiveness is really humbling and humiliating at times. It is a process of good, many necessary tears, and adoration of Christ’s work. After that, its important to learn to forgive yourself to get back up and walk the joyful walk. Sin is forgivable. I have become able to forgive myself for that as Christ has.
God loves me as I am completely. That’s dandy, I don’t. So it’s this kind of forgiveness that I haven’t ever sought. I didn’t think I needed pardoning for self-discipline. It’s just the way I am. It’s not the sin but rather the attitude or the perspective I have of myself.
Jesus has forgiven all of me. I pray that I can forgive myself for ridiculing my self worth, not planning out my future. Wanting to be someone else. Comparing myself to other people my age. Seeking the approval of others. Taking so very much for granted. Being big, hating it, and yet too depressed to do anything about it. Not ever being able to save money. The self-scolding. Leaning on my own understanding. Not having any hope in succeeding in this world. Not planning out my life. Etc…
The list goes on, but Christ’s forgiveness is not just a part of my soul. It’s my bright, yellow and black book entitled: “Forgiveness for Dummies.” (A quick how-to). I seek to forgive myself from the thought processes that remove my focus on God’s work that He’s prepared for me to do. Thus renewing of my mind... And some day soon I’ll have the blinders off on who I am, the cyclical thoughts of my youth will expire. I will gain a light heart. And I’ll see the majesty within myself that is Christ for the first time.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Martin, Memphis and Me
My talk of bombs in the last entry seemed hopeless. I talked how evil can evoke a more convincing response in a community than good actions and deeds. All that talk was silenced on MLK Day. I got Martin Luther King’s Autobiography (I know he never wrote one). This book was approved by his estate to be called his autobiography (as it is almost entirely his writings).
Here’s an excerpt to reflect on when those evil acts seem so looming and defeating. “All methods have failed. Nonviolence is a good starting point. Those of us who believe in this method can be voices of reason, sanity, and understanding amid the voices of violence, hatred, and emotion… Racial injustice around the world. Poverty. War. When man solves these three great problems he will have squared his moral progress with scientific progress. And, more importantly, he will have learned the practical art of living in harmony” This was in the Nobel Peace prize chapter.
In Memphis, I went to where Martin Luther King was gunned down on the balcony of the Lorraine Motel. The motel has become the National Civil Rights Museum. Martin was in Memphis for a sanitation worker’s strike promoting his Southern Christian Leadership Conference focus on what was called The Poor People’s Campaign. This was a push to bring the poor to Washington, to force the government to address the jobless and secure income for all. By now most the civil rights violations had already been deemed unconstitutional.
Martin lived for Christ. He went to jail constantly. Insults and beatings happened often. He was stabbed in Harlem. His house got bombed, He’s arguably the best speechwriter and presenter in American history. Was he ever despondent to the calling of the Holy Spirit? Not a bone of Jonah in him it seems. Many things about the museum seared the civil rights movement on my heart and mind. The museum was intense. There were people that would just pull up to the motel parking lot, get out, touch the motel, share a moment of silence and leave. There was a protestor that had been in a tarp tent just off the property of the museum ever since the motel got converted into a museum.
The museum was set up in stages. One of the stages was how might it feel to be a non-violent protestor amid someone attacking you. Another was the phases of the movement: bus strikes, lunch counter sit-ins, marches, and overflowing the jail system. From city to city little things would change a different aspect of the law would be tested. Montgomery, Atlanta, Greensboro, Albany, Birmingham, March on Washington, St. Augustine, Selma, Los Angeles-Watts, Chicago, and Memphis.
Martin faced violent enemies but also he tried, (prayed no doubt) that his movement would not turn violent from his side. In LA it sure did, in Albany GA also. This mad him angry because he insisted that this country had a moral compass and would react to Non-violence philosophy. Some of his best speeches are the ones in these towns where he is uncompromising in sharing God and nonviolence practice with the movement. After the violence in Albany, Dr. King called for a day of prayer for atoning the breach of non-violence. That day concluded at city hall where he held a prayer vigil and got arrested. In jail he rarely ever posted bail, keep in mind the jail conditions were horrible and hot. He went where people asked him to go. His writings often say stuff like: “I had to stay with them.” or “Our faith seems to be vindicated.”
By now the museum turns to the act of murder. I’ve made to the glass-encased room with the balcony door open and the famous pointing picture near by. The insane injustice, the act of evil really put a gulp in my throat. Seeing that room makes me think of how we as Christians have no home in this world.
Dr. King’s famous “letter from a Birmingham Jail” is to clergy that asked him to reconsider all he’s doing. They claimed the Reverend’s actions to be too much law breaking. All and all they called his actions “Unwise and untimely.”
The other building that is part of the museum is about 200 feet away. I passed through a dark tunnel and went up the stairs and into the room where the gunman shot and killed Martin Luther King. I looked out the same window as the gunman… The room I was in now preserved the act, the autopsy, the gunman’s bio and the investigation. This perch was a highly contrasting moment to the museum. It gave me a feeling of empty, evil, senselessness (a large contrast from the Lorraine Motel that is filled with meaning, strength and prevailing justice).
In juxtaposing Dr. King’s “I have a dream” speech with the next to last speech in the autobiography, I found this fitting quote from Dr. King at the end of the book: “The Apostle Paul talked one day about wanting to go to Spain. It was Paul’s greatest dream to go to Spain, to carry the gospel there. Paul never got to Spain. He ended up in a prison cell in Rome. This is the story of life… So many of our forebears used to sing about freedom. And they dreamed of the day that they would be able to get out of the bosom of slavery, the long night of injustice.”
All that being said, go to Memphis and read the works of Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I’ve only read a sprinkle but the civil rights movement, his walk with Christ, and nonviolent philosophy are all unforgettable to me.
Here’s an excerpt to reflect on when those evil acts seem so looming and defeating. “All methods have failed. Nonviolence is a good starting point. Those of us who believe in this method can be voices of reason, sanity, and understanding amid the voices of violence, hatred, and emotion… Racial injustice around the world. Poverty. War. When man solves these three great problems he will have squared his moral progress with scientific progress. And, more importantly, he will have learned the practical art of living in harmony” This was in the Nobel Peace prize chapter.
In Memphis, I went to where Martin Luther King was gunned down on the balcony of the Lorraine Motel. The motel has become the National Civil Rights Museum. Martin was in Memphis for a sanitation worker’s strike promoting his Southern Christian Leadership Conference focus on what was called The Poor People’s Campaign. This was a push to bring the poor to Washington, to force the government to address the jobless and secure income for all. By now most the civil rights violations had already been deemed unconstitutional.
Martin lived for Christ. He went to jail constantly. Insults and beatings happened often. He was stabbed in Harlem. His house got bombed, He’s arguably the best speechwriter and presenter in American history. Was he ever despondent to the calling of the Holy Spirit? Not a bone of Jonah in him it seems. Many things about the museum seared the civil rights movement on my heart and mind. The museum was intense. There were people that would just pull up to the motel parking lot, get out, touch the motel, share a moment of silence and leave. There was a protestor that had been in a tarp tent just off the property of the museum ever since the motel got converted into a museum.
The museum was set up in stages. One of the stages was how might it feel to be a non-violent protestor amid someone attacking you. Another was the phases of the movement: bus strikes, lunch counter sit-ins, marches, and overflowing the jail system. From city to city little things would change a different aspect of the law would be tested. Montgomery, Atlanta, Greensboro, Albany, Birmingham, March on Washington, St. Augustine, Selma, Los Angeles-Watts, Chicago, and Memphis.
Martin faced violent enemies but also he tried, (prayed no doubt) that his movement would not turn violent from his side. In LA it sure did, in Albany GA also. This mad him angry because he insisted that this country had a moral compass and would react to Non-violence philosophy. Some of his best speeches are the ones in these towns where he is uncompromising in sharing God and nonviolence practice with the movement. After the violence in Albany, Dr. King called for a day of prayer for atoning the breach of non-violence. That day concluded at city hall where he held a prayer vigil and got arrested. In jail he rarely ever posted bail, keep in mind the jail conditions were horrible and hot. He went where people asked him to go. His writings often say stuff like: “I had to stay with them.” or “Our faith seems to be vindicated.”
By now the museum turns to the act of murder. I’ve made to the glass-encased room with the balcony door open and the famous pointing picture near by. The insane injustice, the act of evil really put a gulp in my throat. Seeing that room makes me think of how we as Christians have no home in this world.
Dr. King’s famous “letter from a Birmingham Jail” is to clergy that asked him to reconsider all he’s doing. They claimed the Reverend’s actions to be too much law breaking. All and all they called his actions “Unwise and untimely.”
The other building that is part of the museum is about 200 feet away. I passed through a dark tunnel and went up the stairs and into the room where the gunman shot and killed Martin Luther King. I looked out the same window as the gunman… The room I was in now preserved the act, the autopsy, the gunman’s bio and the investigation. This perch was a highly contrasting moment to the museum. It gave me a feeling of empty, evil, senselessness (a large contrast from the Lorraine Motel that is filled with meaning, strength and prevailing justice).
In juxtaposing Dr. King’s “I have a dream” speech with the next to last speech in the autobiography, I found this fitting quote from Dr. King at the end of the book: “The Apostle Paul talked one day about wanting to go to Spain. It was Paul’s greatest dream to go to Spain, to carry the gospel there. Paul never got to Spain. He ended up in a prison cell in Rome. This is the story of life… So many of our forebears used to sing about freedom. And they dreamed of the day that they would be able to get out of the bosom of slavery, the long night of injustice.”
All that being said, go to Memphis and read the works of Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I’ve only read a sprinkle but the civil rights movement, his walk with Christ, and nonviolent philosophy are all unforgettable to me.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Consistancy of Character: Accountability
I wanted to respond to my last entry. Corny, cheesy are words that come to mind. I am in a whimsical, swept off my feet, intimate relationship with Jesus. Still though, as a believer, there is a need for stern accountability. Not just “rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens.” Which came across big last entry.
I know I’m dearly loved and treasured by God. That’s why Satan is angry of my professions of Jesus Christ as lion in my jungle. My mind is fitting for that image. I am a guided bomb of joy because of my faith in Christ. As Sun Ra would say “this world is Angels and Demons at play” but inside my world I’m constantly asking for the dismissal of demons namely Satan.
I know the lurking, chameleonesque qualities of the Devil. He shows up at my work constantly. Satan commissions people so his willing minions sometimes come face to face with me. So if I’m busy on cloud 9 with Jesus these actors for sin and Satan will be effective in their ploy. (I’m not talking devil worshippers though some may be.
I’m talking more about the person with that goes to the men’s bathroom and plasters a bomb threat on the wall. He makes my grammar look good. As I research footage, I see the person amped on something with death on his face. No shame, remorse or warmth. Then I realize that I’m totally under-reacting. What is the fairness in the fact that Satan can conspire with the broken to play with a community’s fear? Moreover, instill in me (a follower of Christ) a passive: “the dude was high on something” attitude.
As lovers of the Lord can we threaten lives of a community with forgiveness and hugs? I makes me think of activists that claim to be from a Christian perspective. The secular world lumps all of Christianity as such because of the acting out few. At least you can’t say they’re apathetic. I’ve been talking lots about this with a co-worker that generalizes Christians instead of seeing them as spiritual beings having a one on one relationship with Jesus.
That said, I wanted to revert back to the accountability piece. After Vacation Bible School this summer, where I earned my stripes as Ref Nic (referee/activity leader). One of the mom’s of the church came up to me and said something along the lines of: “Thanks so much for being a part of VBS. I think its great that the kids have someone your age to hold accountable for what it means to live for Jesus.” Double gulp. Uhh, yeah about that... Where did I sign up for the late 20’s representative for the Lord? Few chats have impacted me more during my first year as a believer. This faith commitment is nonstop and defining. The pressure of being an example is not much of a burden if all is brought in the light. Consistance of character baby!
So I try to be an example all the time. At church, at my work, in my family, and especially behind closed doors. Represent, represent-zent! That said, I believe earlier in the book of James it says that we as believers are asked to confess our sins to one another. “So that we may be healed.” -Not forgiven, but healed. I am only forgiven by Jesus Christ. Well here it is: My brother and I have been working on my new home for about six weeks now and I’ve supplied him with ample beer throughout. It’s just something he does when he works. I’ve held my own ground by not joining him at all (even when the fridge had many). Last night I was just chillin’ and all of a sudden I wasn’t convinced that I’ve completely repented from this sin (drunkeness not drinking). So I drank, disobeyed, broke my promise and tested what I thought was repentance.
To remove the temptation, I brought it to my old apartment, which is almost empty. I am weak to have missed that feeling and a sinner for my lack of self-control. God gave me months of no alcohol so I can’t underrate that victory. I know I’m treasured by Jesus! So I can’t dwell on the self imposing guilt or give any little credit to the devil. This faith walk thing is hard, its in the mercy of the blood that I am free. And by the grace of God’s love that I’m healing. Which in turn, is how I learn to be accountable.
I know I’m dearly loved and treasured by God. That’s why Satan is angry of my professions of Jesus Christ as lion in my jungle. My mind is fitting for that image. I am a guided bomb of joy because of my faith in Christ. As Sun Ra would say “this world is Angels and Demons at play” but inside my world I’m constantly asking for the dismissal of demons namely Satan.
I know the lurking, chameleonesque qualities of the Devil. He shows up at my work constantly. Satan commissions people so his willing minions sometimes come face to face with me. So if I’m busy on cloud 9 with Jesus these actors for sin and Satan will be effective in their ploy. (I’m not talking devil worshippers though some may be.
I’m talking more about the person with that goes to the men’s bathroom and plasters a bomb threat on the wall. He makes my grammar look good. As I research footage, I see the person amped on something with death on his face. No shame, remorse or warmth. Then I realize that I’m totally under-reacting. What is the fairness in the fact that Satan can conspire with the broken to play with a community’s fear? Moreover, instill in me (a follower of Christ) a passive: “the dude was high on something” attitude.
As lovers of the Lord can we threaten lives of a community with forgiveness and hugs? I makes me think of activists that claim to be from a Christian perspective. The secular world lumps all of Christianity as such because of the acting out few. At least you can’t say they’re apathetic. I’ve been talking lots about this with a co-worker that generalizes Christians instead of seeing them as spiritual beings having a one on one relationship with Jesus.
That said, I wanted to revert back to the accountability piece. After Vacation Bible School this summer, where I earned my stripes as Ref Nic (referee/activity leader). One of the mom’s of the church came up to me and said something along the lines of: “Thanks so much for being a part of VBS. I think its great that the kids have someone your age to hold accountable for what it means to live for Jesus.” Double gulp. Uhh, yeah about that... Where did I sign up for the late 20’s representative for the Lord? Few chats have impacted me more during my first year as a believer. This faith commitment is nonstop and defining. The pressure of being an example is not much of a burden if all is brought in the light. Consistance of character baby!
So I try to be an example all the time. At church, at my work, in my family, and especially behind closed doors. Represent, represent-zent! That said, I believe earlier in the book of James it says that we as believers are asked to confess our sins to one another. “So that we may be healed.” -Not forgiven, but healed. I am only forgiven by Jesus Christ. Well here it is: My brother and I have been working on my new home for about six weeks now and I’ve supplied him with ample beer throughout. It’s just something he does when he works. I’ve held my own ground by not joining him at all (even when the fridge had many). Last night I was just chillin’ and all of a sudden I wasn’t convinced that I’ve completely repented from this sin (drunkeness not drinking). So I drank, disobeyed, broke my promise and tested what I thought was repentance.
To remove the temptation, I brought it to my old apartment, which is almost empty. I am weak to have missed that feeling and a sinner for my lack of self-control. God gave me months of no alcohol so I can’t underrate that victory. I know I’m treasured by Jesus! So I can’t dwell on the self imposing guilt or give any little credit to the devil. This faith walk thing is hard, its in the mercy of the blood that I am free. And by the grace of God’s love that I’m healing. Which in turn, is how I learn to be accountable.
Friday, January 18, 2008
I Got A Love
I got a love. This lover cares about me more than my mom worries about me. This one-of-a-kind friend loves my feelings more then my looks; eat your heart out girls. Even though I go out of my way to look smooth and crispy, it’s my inner being that is the object of attraction. Can you believe it? Our relationship has beauty, and not the In Touch magazine kind of beautiful. We were totally made for each other.
Meeting the family, I was super-nervous. I was so sure that I was going to be judged, compared to, and then told to loose weight (you know more like my family). Almost all of them didn’t care… Instead they wanted to see how we were gonna fly together, they were super encouraging and made sure that I got to know exactly who I was making a commitment to.
We’re flying the friendly skies. The good times don’t last forever except maybe in heaven. Its totally sinking in... I’m not good enough, the things I do are so bland, unhealthy and selfish. I doubt someone who reads to the blind and gives restaurant leftovers to the bums really wants to come home to moody-me. This isn'tan invite to hate on Nic, I love myself for the most part. Its like the old song goes: “I’m just a song and a dance; you’re a symphony!” When we’re together, I’m actually experiencing love: everything from the confiding, the support, and simple light-hearted joy. It’s great to get the affection of a lover who is flat out good and good to me. Ours is deeper than the emotional feeling of love, it’s an invested relationship. The constant communication is nice, for now… Lets just say its something I need to get used to.
I know I can’t find anyone better, believe me I’ve tried. So now the question is this: will we see each other through a paragraph, page, chapter or end of my life? What is it I have thats good enough for me to be loved so tremendously? I’m starting to set our hopes and dreams on marriage. Its still a long ways away, but I will stay committed and devoted until that great day of total union!!
The gig is up: I’m in love with Jesus Christ (my lover by sacrifice, my brother by obedience to God, my spiritual mate by His Holy Spirit alive within me, my teacher by example and my judge because of His perfection). I know, in the Bible it doesn’t say that Christ gave His restaurant leftovers or that He read to the blind. It was simple "what if" thinking to indicate the contrast of how I want to act now that Christ’s spirit prompts me. Afterall He died for me so I am to live for Him. I think Paul clearly states how great it is to be single: so that the centralization of one’s devotion is exclusively for Jesus. Similarly, In the words of a great Jazz standard: “I’m putting all my eggs in one basket, I’m putting everything I got on you.” That being, faith alive in acts.
Tonight, I came from an incredibly encouraging time of exploring the status of my personal relationship with Jesus. There was this ensuing joy that I wanted to express so this came out. Sorry for the parts where the metaphors really don’t lign up with the character of Jesus or myself. I tried dearly not to indicate gender. What’s funny was that the first draft was a “Valley Girl” in love/dating Jesus. She said “like, LOL, and OMG” at least once in every sentence.
Meeting the family, I was super-nervous. I was so sure that I was going to be judged, compared to, and then told to loose weight (you know more like my family). Almost all of them didn’t care… Instead they wanted to see how we were gonna fly together, they were super encouraging and made sure that I got to know exactly who I was making a commitment to.
We’re flying the friendly skies. The good times don’t last forever except maybe in heaven. Its totally sinking in... I’m not good enough, the things I do are so bland, unhealthy and selfish. I doubt someone who reads to the blind and gives restaurant leftovers to the bums really wants to come home to moody-me. This isn'tan invite to hate on Nic, I love myself for the most part. Its like the old song goes: “I’m just a song and a dance; you’re a symphony!” When we’re together, I’m actually experiencing love: everything from the confiding, the support, and simple light-hearted joy. It’s great to get the affection of a lover who is flat out good and good to me. Ours is deeper than the emotional feeling of love, it’s an invested relationship. The constant communication is nice, for now… Lets just say its something I need to get used to.
I know I can’t find anyone better, believe me I’ve tried. So now the question is this: will we see each other through a paragraph, page, chapter or end of my life? What is it I have thats good enough for me to be loved so tremendously? I’m starting to set our hopes and dreams on marriage. Its still a long ways away, but I will stay committed and devoted until that great day of total union!!
The gig is up: I’m in love with Jesus Christ (my lover by sacrifice, my brother by obedience to God, my spiritual mate by His Holy Spirit alive within me, my teacher by example and my judge because of His perfection). I know, in the Bible it doesn’t say that Christ gave His restaurant leftovers or that He read to the blind. It was simple "what if" thinking to indicate the contrast of how I want to act now that Christ’s spirit prompts me. Afterall He died for me so I am to live for Him. I think Paul clearly states how great it is to be single: so that the centralization of one’s devotion is exclusively for Jesus. Similarly, In the words of a great Jazz standard: “I’m putting all my eggs in one basket, I’m putting everything I got on you.” That being, faith alive in acts.
Tonight, I came from an incredibly encouraging time of exploring the status of my personal relationship with Jesus. There was this ensuing joy that I wanted to express so this came out. Sorry for the parts where the metaphors really don’t lign up with the character of Jesus or myself. I tried dearly not to indicate gender. What’s funny was that the first draft was a “Valley Girl” in love/dating Jesus. She said “like, LOL, and OMG” at least once in every sentence.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Shadow of a Doubt
I was feasting on the blessings that the Lord amasses for me. When unprovoked comes a quite literal “shadow of a doubt”. A shadow by nature is deceptive, black and absent of light. Now imagine the kind of shadow created by doubt. How does that travel to the heart, mind and actions? One of the very first Bible quotes my Awana class had to memorize was: “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9
This was strange to me because growing up I always thought of my heart as being a fortress from the evils of the world and the preserver of my individuality. All in all: the place where natural things come from.
On November 10th 2006 I submitted my heart, mind and faith to Jesus Christ. It wasn’t my intuitive heart or analytical brain that mattered. -It was in rendering my faith to Jesus (real basic from the inside looking out). Remember my context: I didn’t think faith was a real thing beyond a belief. There’s more to faith than believing. My foundation has finally been activated through faith. I now have the cornerstone and capstone of who I am: Jesus Christ.
My heart that I so willingly gave that day has become like learning a foreign language. What anguish, brokenness and selfishness my heart used to hold. – I seemed ok with it all. Now I’m trying to cry it out, lighten up and accept the love from God. I am trying to fill my heart with God’s will, promises and path.
So when that shadow of a doubt came at me this last week, through Satan’s usual avenues, which are typically closed for construction by the Holy Spirit. The darkness came fast and I didn’t slow down as the Spirit of God was suggesting. I didn’t remind myself that these thoughts are outside of the light, filled in by darkness and nothing other than deception. I’m talking about feeling like a failure, not clinging to the hopefulness in Christ and getting a bad attitude of irrelevance. I simmered on it thinking it ironic that here, amidst my new found provision in God: I’m feeling like a loser. Failing at work, with friendships, burdening my family, and not seeing hope unfolding. Suddenly comes a tidal wave of temptation wanting to tornado its way through God’s repairs.
This year I’m seeking to redeem money and health sins, so those were the first to fall prey. A buddy asked me to play some poker. I thought I repented from that a year ago. I concluded that gambling is the single most stupid and sinful thing you can do with money. Yet there I was: raising pre-flop. Don’t even get me started on bluffing. I spent three days bummed out with the classic textbook symptoms: over eating and over sleeping. What self-righteousness to tamper with my days of old (in the shadows).
Temptation started to mingle with sin more. It was Sunday and though I’ve surprisingly grown to care little about football. I tried to tell myself that I didn’t need to go to church because it was the playoffs. Later in the day I tried to talk myself out of going to Awana and my young adult group. What garbage had entered my life? I have no right to feel this way. Satan and the souvenirs of depression held me at a pause trying to tell me that church and my activities are meaningless fruitless chores. The Devil didn't talk me out of going instead I arrived at all the days events hungry and desperate for Jesus. Christ was glorified and with grace He held me. I confessed my sins, turned the panic over to Him and I remembered the things I love about him: omnipresence, His bride of believers, His finding me, His provision, His Word, His perfection, and His forgiveness no matter the sin.
After my day, I went home to fill my picture frames. I spent two hours searching through great photos of family and my past travels. I became totally filled with gratitude for the kindness and love flaring out from my past. I was in total awe. I glimpsed with hindsight at God working around me all the years of my life. And how very much He always loved me. God was willing to hold out so very long for me. I owe Jesus the whole of me. I’m all for the service to the King, who forgives and softens the hearts that are hard from sin and Satan. I thank the work of God that lead me away from the shadow of a doubt I endured last week.
This was strange to me because growing up I always thought of my heart as being a fortress from the evils of the world and the preserver of my individuality. All in all: the place where natural things come from.
On November 10th 2006 I submitted my heart, mind and faith to Jesus Christ. It wasn’t my intuitive heart or analytical brain that mattered. -It was in rendering my faith to Jesus (real basic from the inside looking out). Remember my context: I didn’t think faith was a real thing beyond a belief. There’s more to faith than believing. My foundation has finally been activated through faith. I now have the cornerstone and capstone of who I am: Jesus Christ.
My heart that I so willingly gave that day has become like learning a foreign language. What anguish, brokenness and selfishness my heart used to hold. – I seemed ok with it all. Now I’m trying to cry it out, lighten up and accept the love from God. I am trying to fill my heart with God’s will, promises and path.
So when that shadow of a doubt came at me this last week, through Satan’s usual avenues, which are typically closed for construction by the Holy Spirit. The darkness came fast and I didn’t slow down as the Spirit of God was suggesting. I didn’t remind myself that these thoughts are outside of the light, filled in by darkness and nothing other than deception. I’m talking about feeling like a failure, not clinging to the hopefulness in Christ and getting a bad attitude of irrelevance. I simmered on it thinking it ironic that here, amidst my new found provision in God: I’m feeling like a loser. Failing at work, with friendships, burdening my family, and not seeing hope unfolding. Suddenly comes a tidal wave of temptation wanting to tornado its way through God’s repairs.
This year I’m seeking to redeem money and health sins, so those were the first to fall prey. A buddy asked me to play some poker. I thought I repented from that a year ago. I concluded that gambling is the single most stupid and sinful thing you can do with money. Yet there I was: raising pre-flop. Don’t even get me started on bluffing. I spent three days bummed out with the classic textbook symptoms: over eating and over sleeping. What self-righteousness to tamper with my days of old (in the shadows).
Temptation started to mingle with sin more. It was Sunday and though I’ve surprisingly grown to care little about football. I tried to tell myself that I didn’t need to go to church because it was the playoffs. Later in the day I tried to talk myself out of going to Awana and my young adult group. What garbage had entered my life? I have no right to feel this way. Satan and the souvenirs of depression held me at a pause trying to tell me that church and my activities are meaningless fruitless chores. The Devil didn't talk me out of going instead I arrived at all the days events hungry and desperate for Jesus. Christ was glorified and with grace He held me. I confessed my sins, turned the panic over to Him and I remembered the things I love about him: omnipresence, His bride of believers, His finding me, His provision, His Word, His perfection, and His forgiveness no matter the sin.
After my day, I went home to fill my picture frames. I spent two hours searching through great photos of family and my past travels. I became totally filled with gratitude for the kindness and love flaring out from my past. I was in total awe. I glimpsed with hindsight at God working around me all the years of my life. And how very much He always loved me. God was willing to hold out so very long for me. I owe Jesus the whole of me. I’m all for the service to the King, who forgives and softens the hearts that are hard from sin and Satan. I thank the work of God that lead me away from the shadow of a doubt I endured last week.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Patience, Confidence
Ever been quick to claim a major change in life as a gift from God? Then you become unsure if it is really a gift –moreover if it’s from God. I’m feeling that enormously at work. I have been appointed to a position that I freely accepted without out much praying about it (as it fell in my lap). Granted, I was praying for a better job. So when the offer came I was thankful. My head was calculating the gains, picturing me succeeding and busy proving to my heart that God wanted this for me.
It has been a gain. The pros totally outweigh the cons. But the “meat and potatoes” of my title is to catch a thief. Moreover, to do it in a way that adheres to the company’s policy. Training was extensive for this reason. The boss of my boss even supports and encourages me asking about my technique and sympathizing with the time it takes to catch the first one.
All that being said, I’m plagued with impatience; riddled with roaming the retail floor trying to suspect everyone. The longer I follow the merchandise, the more I forget to pretend shop. I have a route around the store much like blood in the chambers of the heart. It’s easy to loose awareness after the fiftieth lap. I’m still training my eyes and ears while the internal dialog is loudly assessing behavior. This job is so much harder than what outsiders think (for that matter, what I though of it as a uniformed security guard).
I’ve been successful at watching thieves yet restricted by procedures to apprehend. This week seems to be the metal breaking point where impatience gave way to failure. Where I have compromised process for results and could have lost my job on two different occasions. I recovered the stolen items but not correctly. Why can’t I trust in God to create the correct circumstance?
Some byproducts of this disposition include: doubt that God’s will is at work, fear that I will fail and pressure to lose patience. At work I can let it roll off of me, by going through the motions. The effort is there I just get blurred. I love what I do the results have yet to show that. I pray for apprehensions daily.
When I got home today, a feeling of depression, exhaustion and failure gripped me. This has become an exception rather than the rule to my life (Thanks to the yoke of Jesus). So those ugly habits (sin by intent) like overeating, sleeping and escaping into a movie showed up. I realized what I was doing. I stopped and just prayed about it. Was it my job leading me to this state? Is catching “bad guys” a gift God had in store for me? Killer doubt for sure.
So when I turned to my latest lesson in my Bible study, how fitting was it that it centered on the last days of John the Baptist and his circumstance of doubt. Matt 11:1-10. My study guide pointed out that given all the glorious promises of being a provided-for child of God, we often think that our lives should be easy. The glory of knowing Jesus is intertwined with the privilege of suffering with Him.
I don’t think that this only applicable if you are evangelizing/prophesizing as John the Baptist was. It is part of the faith walk -no matter the vocation on earth. That is why I bring all my confusion and questions about thief catching to Jesus. He alone knows my reasoning powers and can pair it up to my situation.
Thinking about all this makes me value confidence. I think Jesus must have oozed confidence as an earthling, in how He responded to people, shunned Satan and endured God’s will to the death. Amazing model when I’m so quick to tell myself: “Nic you can even do what you get paid for.”
It has been a gain. The pros totally outweigh the cons. But the “meat and potatoes” of my title is to catch a thief. Moreover, to do it in a way that adheres to the company’s policy. Training was extensive for this reason. The boss of my boss even supports and encourages me asking about my technique and sympathizing with the time it takes to catch the first one.
All that being said, I’m plagued with impatience; riddled with roaming the retail floor trying to suspect everyone. The longer I follow the merchandise, the more I forget to pretend shop. I have a route around the store much like blood in the chambers of the heart. It’s easy to loose awareness after the fiftieth lap. I’m still training my eyes and ears while the internal dialog is loudly assessing behavior. This job is so much harder than what outsiders think (for that matter, what I though of it as a uniformed security guard).
I’ve been successful at watching thieves yet restricted by procedures to apprehend. This week seems to be the metal breaking point where impatience gave way to failure. Where I have compromised process for results and could have lost my job on two different occasions. I recovered the stolen items but not correctly. Why can’t I trust in God to create the correct circumstance?
Some byproducts of this disposition include: doubt that God’s will is at work, fear that I will fail and pressure to lose patience. At work I can let it roll off of me, by going through the motions. The effort is there I just get blurred. I love what I do the results have yet to show that. I pray for apprehensions daily.
When I got home today, a feeling of depression, exhaustion and failure gripped me. This has become an exception rather than the rule to my life (Thanks to the yoke of Jesus). So those ugly habits (sin by intent) like overeating, sleeping and escaping into a movie showed up. I realized what I was doing. I stopped and just prayed about it. Was it my job leading me to this state? Is catching “bad guys” a gift God had in store for me? Killer doubt for sure.
So when I turned to my latest lesson in my Bible study, how fitting was it that it centered on the last days of John the Baptist and his circumstance of doubt. Matt 11:1-10. My study guide pointed out that given all the glorious promises of being a provided-for child of God, we often think that our lives should be easy. The glory of knowing Jesus is intertwined with the privilege of suffering with Him.
I don’t think that this only applicable if you are evangelizing/prophesizing as John the Baptist was. It is part of the faith walk -no matter the vocation on earth. That is why I bring all my confusion and questions about thief catching to Jesus. He alone knows my reasoning powers and can pair it up to my situation.
Thinking about all this makes me value confidence. I think Jesus must have oozed confidence as an earthling, in how He responded to people, shunned Satan and endured God’s will to the death. Amazing model when I’m so quick to tell myself: “Nic you can even do what you get paid for.”
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
New Years In Life
First thing I did come 2008 was to rescue a kitten from up a tree. Just kidding it was way too cold for that. On New Years Eve, there was an old friend of mine stranded downtown having missed his corresponding flight because of a late bus. He calls me up and with happiness I get ready to scoop him up. I haven’t seen this French guy in over a year. He’s totally a funny, loving and gentle dude.
I remembered the last time we talked: it was weeks before I became born again. So now I’m super stoked to show him the works of the Lord in my life and the turnaround I had. So my minds made up! I can’t revert or cower into who I was when he knew me best. So with the eager assistance of the Spirit, I’m practicing all the best angles of my testimony in my head. I’m thinking of Bible verses and important points to bring up about the singularity of God’s truth and how huge praying is. He’ll get to meet my new league of friends at a fun masquerade party.
Then wham: he calls back and says that he needs to catch a flight tonight or else he’ll lose his ticket. We continued with a, “it would have been nice to see each other” rant. I was completely bummed. As soon as I hung up, I just thought about how set my mind was; how mad and sad I was that I wasn’t going to see my friend. I was acting stubborn and disappointed.
Then I though of how God has His “mind” set on me. So when His plan for my life was being traded for habitual sin, I imagine God got stubborn and disappointed. So I prayed about it, wondered why and just gave the situation up to Jesus. I told Him that my friend needed to rest the truth... Well I went to my party, made a sweet mask, dodged dancing and saw the ball drop.
Not more than ten minutes into ’08 I get this call from my French buddy telling me to come pick him up, he didn’t catch a flight. Instead, he booked a flight for New Years Day at no extra charge! So I go pick him up. I was thrilled to see him and spend time with him. It was joyful and I shared my faith with him.
Then we woke up, I shared some more philosophical and artistic points of how great God is (and proved it by showing the new condo to him). I told him what a big blessing my job was, how my weaknesses are being whipped into shape there. I think he really got a good picture of the “new lease on life” I have. After we killed time by visiting Red Rocks, one of my favorite places in Denver area.
So tonight I’m praying for his turn around. That the people he sits next to will continue to steer him to Jesus or that a Bible will become available for him. If he writes me I’ll try and give him one. Mostly though I’m praying for that defining moment where a total paradigm shift occurs at the feet of Christ the King.
I remembered the last time we talked: it was weeks before I became born again. So now I’m super stoked to show him the works of the Lord in my life and the turnaround I had. So my minds made up! I can’t revert or cower into who I was when he knew me best. So with the eager assistance of the Spirit, I’m practicing all the best angles of my testimony in my head. I’m thinking of Bible verses and important points to bring up about the singularity of God’s truth and how huge praying is. He’ll get to meet my new league of friends at a fun masquerade party.
Then wham: he calls back and says that he needs to catch a flight tonight or else he’ll lose his ticket. We continued with a, “it would have been nice to see each other” rant. I was completely bummed. As soon as I hung up, I just thought about how set my mind was; how mad and sad I was that I wasn’t going to see my friend. I was acting stubborn and disappointed.
Then I though of how God has His “mind” set on me. So when His plan for my life was being traded for habitual sin, I imagine God got stubborn and disappointed. So I prayed about it, wondered why and just gave the situation up to Jesus. I told Him that my friend needed to rest the truth... Well I went to my party, made a sweet mask, dodged dancing and saw the ball drop.
Not more than ten minutes into ’08 I get this call from my French buddy telling me to come pick him up, he didn’t catch a flight. Instead, he booked a flight for New Years Day at no extra charge! So I go pick him up. I was thrilled to see him and spend time with him. It was joyful and I shared my faith with him.
Then we woke up, I shared some more philosophical and artistic points of how great God is (and proved it by showing the new condo to him). I told him what a big blessing my job was, how my weaknesses are being whipped into shape there. I think he really got a good picture of the “new lease on life” I have. After we killed time by visiting Red Rocks, one of my favorite places in Denver area.
So tonight I’m praying for his turn around. That the people he sits next to will continue to steer him to Jesus or that a Bible will become available for him. If he writes me I’ll try and give him one. Mostly though I’m praying for that defining moment where a total paradigm shift occurs at the feet of Christ the King.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
A Salsa of a Night
The last few days of the years have been challenging: Everything from choosing the right curtains in my new place to nearly being fired. Add a night of Salsa dancing, a tear-filled sermon and the Nickster is spent.
The thing I wanted to highlight was the night of dancing. I generally can keep a beat. In trying to Salsa, I find that I really can’t keep beat, count, lead and not step on toes at the same time. I had some super patient partners that rotated so none of them got stuck with me all night (I did improve mind you).
Dancing aside I was feeling some serious social anxiety. We went to this rather hip Salsa club with a fat $10 cover. I knew that I would never see these people again (save my friends) but still, everyone was watching me dance badly and the only thing I could do about it is not dance or not care. I did both and in that order. My manic mind was fuel for the Devil to say: “This isn’t you Nic. What are you thinking? You left all this behind, you should hate this.”
That snowballed into: “Who do these women think they are to display their sexuality like it’s a thing to be displayed, touched and passed on. And the scumbag guys with their big eyes getting cheap thrills because they touched, mingled and imposed themselves as a leader.” Oh and did I mention the Vodka reps. with lighted accessories?
As my thinking was brewing judgementalness, hate and consequential anxiety I prayed and shared with a friend. Somewhere in there, I realize that God was at work in this situation. The Holy Spirit through grace has switched out my notorious sins of drinking, lusting and mental conspiring. That night, those pitfalls were replaced with this over-protective layer of love, where a light-hearted innocence would keep my eyes righteous and my mind for the Lord. While dancing, I was either looking at my partner’s feet or eyes. (I did check out lots of guy’s feet to see where I was going wrong.)
As a result, my mentality changed, I willingly participated in an event that is quite aside from everything I normally do. I had joy and the Bible passage that says we are to be innocent to sin (I thought it was in Thessalonians but couldn’t find it). I was the guy at the club with no sexual vibe or loosened logic.
God redeems those notorious old trenches of my life! Praise and thank Him for answering my prayers of hopelessness and guilt for such outdated sins.
The thing I wanted to highlight was the night of dancing. I generally can keep a beat. In trying to Salsa, I find that I really can’t keep beat, count, lead and not step on toes at the same time. I had some super patient partners that rotated so none of them got stuck with me all night (I did improve mind you).
Dancing aside I was feeling some serious social anxiety. We went to this rather hip Salsa club with a fat $10 cover. I knew that I would never see these people again (save my friends) but still, everyone was watching me dance badly and the only thing I could do about it is not dance or not care. I did both and in that order. My manic mind was fuel for the Devil to say: “This isn’t you Nic. What are you thinking? You left all this behind, you should hate this.”
That snowballed into: “Who do these women think they are to display their sexuality like it’s a thing to be displayed, touched and passed on. And the scumbag guys with their big eyes getting cheap thrills because they touched, mingled and imposed themselves as a leader.” Oh and did I mention the Vodka reps. with lighted accessories?
As my thinking was brewing judgementalness, hate and consequential anxiety I prayed and shared with a friend. Somewhere in there, I realize that God was at work in this situation. The Holy Spirit through grace has switched out my notorious sins of drinking, lusting and mental conspiring. That night, those pitfalls were replaced with this over-protective layer of love, where a light-hearted innocence would keep my eyes righteous and my mind for the Lord. While dancing, I was either looking at my partner’s feet or eyes. (I did check out lots of guy’s feet to see where I was going wrong.)
As a result, my mentality changed, I willingly participated in an event that is quite aside from everything I normally do. I had joy and the Bible passage that says we are to be innocent to sin (I thought it was in Thessalonians but couldn’t find it). I was the guy at the club with no sexual vibe or loosened logic.
God redeems those notorious old trenches of my life! Praise and thank Him for answering my prayers of hopelessness and guilt for such outdated sins.
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