Dear Prayer Warriors,
My New Year’s Prayer
The post trauma mentality braces for impact at every turn; it looks under the bun before taking a bite; it double checks that the doors are locked and it always wonders what emergency is in store today. This is what I think of when considering that Naomi wanted to be called Mara and return to Israel alone, she had a grief-post trauma mind. Thanks be to God for Boaz the kinsman redeemer who planted hope in Naomi's mind! Thank God for Ruth who was “better to her than seven sons”. The ending image in the book of Ruth is none other than Naomi holding her grandson Obed on her lap and caring for him. God changed her mind and heart ultimately.
I am asking God to do it again, for us this year through our Lord Jesus Christ. May the Lord give us faith to believe him for Psalm 67:1-2 “May God be gracious to us and bless us; look on us with favor, so that Your way may be known on earth, Your salvation among all nations.” To see His goodness in the land of the living. May the Lord grant this to us not just because He loves us, but because He is fully committed to His glory, “do it for your glory Lord toward all the people that know us!”
Land Mines
In the first year of living without my son, longing for his company abounded, along with prizing as many memories as possible. It’s a year of “firsts” dipped in grief. During this second year, as the grace of God has grown me in faith and as my cognition has understood my son’s absence, the Lord brought to my attention that the longings of Simon’s nearness can become a sin stumbling block. So, I surrender again. Being heartbroken produces sentiments that mask coveting and envying. Recently, I was scrolling the articles on the Desiring God website. The article I clicked on suggested some of the most victorious tools for combatting envy are confession to one another, thanksgiving, and praise to God.
Combatting envy with Jesus looks like uncovering hidden land mines on a battlefield long after the war is over. These are explosives that can kill well after the war, during peacetime. My war, the trial of losing Simon, has culminated in furthering my trust in the Lord. His peace leads me, I still trust Him. I depend on His shepherding. Yet in the day to day, there are land mines of envy that I need to detonate from a safe distance in the Lord’s power and with the tools He gives. Confessing this to you is a helpful step.
Here’s a recent land mine God helped me dismantle. Simon used to visit me at work when I ran the frozen and dairy departments. He always desired that I put him to work. On the days I knew he was coming I set aside all the Eggo Waffles for him to stock because they were light cases, yellow, and fun to eat. He filled the shelves so well, paying careful attention to the different flavors and matching them on the shelf. I was delighted in how much he wanted to work, do it right, and to do it with me at his side. Just the other day I was helping stock our frozen load and the last two boxes on the vehicle were Eggo waffles. It was like a photographic déjà vu taking me back to those memories while inviting a strong sense of “I wish he was here.” I had a choice, either I covet my past, weep, and shaking my fist at death and this awful enduring; or I confess to God (who knows what I’m thinking), thank Him for the sweet memory and by grace through faith trust in Simon’s completed mission on earth and endless joy in experiencing God’s love so much more fully today than ever before.
Another land mine was at a Thanksgiving service this year where there was an open mic for anyone to thank and praise God. It was mostly adults, so when a young 6- or 7-year-old boy got up he had my undivided attention. He spoke with boldness, vivid intonation and word choices akin to Simon’s. The content of what he said was as if it came from Simon’s mind. This young man gave great praise to God for His goodness and omnipresence. It was as if I was listening to awe-inspired Simon again. Instantly another land mine was uncovered, I was tempted to envy the parents that get to keep on raising that boy. The moment was to glorify God as the boy led, instead I was thinking of myself. I didn’t know what else to do but to tell my bride, “That’s something Simon would have said.”
Another hard recollection came to me when a father-son duo entered the elevator I was in. Standing there before me was a boy the same height and hair color as my missed son. During year one, these occurrences are longings from a broken heart, but in year two they seem to carry a temptation to envy much more clearly. Perhaps for the rest of my life I will have to be alert to detonate “envy” land mines surrounding Simon’s abrupt departure, in faith, with my Shepherd.
Even as I write this, I am humbled to think that this temptation to envy is common to man. Actually, the Lord is reminding me that it’s so common to man that I already have gone through it significantly, similarly before regarding Anna. Prayer warriors, through the years didn’t I spend time confessing bouts of envy, coveting, and wishing Anna could talk like others, walk like others, see, eat, pass through sicknesses like normal kids? Through the years, Jesus detonated those “envy” landmines as I surrendered my will. Didn’t confession to you help, didn’t we focus on thankfulness to God for the gift of Anna above any diagnosis? By God’s grace and work in me, today I seldom envy kids Anna’s age. Jesus helps me walk through it victoriously. Taking my precious daughter “as is'' because the Lord purposes and He will vindicate Anna. I still pray for full, imminent healing but I can also thank God that she hasn’t been healed thus far because of the good it has brought. I lay down envy. I trust God for His best work and will to be done. Regarding Anna, I want my faith to be similar to that of the Centurion in Matthew 8 that knows the worth of Jesus and the ability of His Word!!! Maranatha! Praise God who is my faithful Shepherd.
Please Pray for:
- me to be responsible in stewarding this grief, navigating through the temptations to envy, Not getting stuck, hopeless and despairing because of the loss, but trusting in the good character and purposes of Yahweh. Please Pray that I would be persistently thankful, loyal to God’s will when I don’t understand.
-us. I worship the Lord for the gift of my bride whose birthday is 2/1. Pray also for the days coming as we are approaching Simon’s 2nd birthday (2/3) celebrated in heaven and on earth. Pray that we may combat it with thankfulness, praise and a right mind.
-Anna. She is one month away from 10 years old!! Our visit with our GI doctor revealed a need for her to gain weight (again). As puberty approaches we need to be more successful at administering weight gain, to get ahead of it because it will be a time growth spurts.
-mental clarity and spiritual peace for my mother who continues to struggle with medical issues and grasping reality. Visiting her is challenging because I wish this wasn't happening, help me lift her up to the Lord.
Thanks for praying and believing God for His best for you and us.
Nic for the Currats
