Dear Prayer Warrior,
A Personal Struggle
I am refocusing in prayer. Seeking it out. I ask for humility; I confess that abiding in Him hasn’t been easy lately. By God’s mercy He instructs me to share my burdens as I cast my cares at the foot of the cross, so that I am not alone in this fight. By His grace I will experience seasons of sweetness with my Savior through enduring faith. I am not without hope! I just want my roar back, for Christ-centeredness.
“So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord.” 2 Corinthians 5:6-8
I have been hitting the snooze bar and I never used to. I noticed the lure of distractions trying to eat my first fruits in the morning. Before I can give my day to the Lord, I find myself scrambling to meet the needs of Anna’s early morning meds, or less honorable wants like “what can I eat?”, and on occasion the embarrassing impulses like “I don’t have time to open the Word, what’s going on in social media land”. These realities can steal my fruitful time with the Lord and spoil my surrender to Christ.
Speaking to the Father with my mouth full of bread in between sips of coffee, is not worship yet it’s been that way of late. I have given ground over to the enemy. Passive, monotonous ground that could be a field where righteousness grows, where I’m making the most of my time because the days are evil. Why am I putting rubbish ahead of Jesus when nobody’s looking? “Lord help me live as Paul proclaimed in Philippians 3 ‘Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.’” I have not arrived. This early morning orchard is the ground I want to reclaim in Christ! Every demonic force was/is defeated at the cross this includes early morning distractions. Pray for me, (rest assured I will continue to administer the four medicines to Anna in the morning, but maybe I can dose it the night before). There is repentance and victory in store. O that my life would reflect my first love by offering the first fruits of my day.
There is Another Wedding
A month ago, we celebrated a wedding. With the blessing from the bride and groom we brought our kids. I desired my children to see this display of love, this Christ-centered commitment made public. I hoped this served as a framework in their growing minds for what the institution of marriage looks like. The wedding was simple and without confusion, faithful to what the Bible designates as pleasing to God. With much anticipation, I talked with Renee about the rings and how the vows we witnessed are the pinnacle of promise akin to a covenant. She wasn’t very responsive. I confessed to her that our society sometimes skips marriage and confuses “right living” by playing married without ceremony, without inviting God, and without vows of “yes” come what may.
After the ceremony I hung around to help clean up. Lindsey and the kids took off. On the way home, alone in my car I marveled at the fresh memories of the day: the gladness we shared with the couple, the gospel shared, the sober commitment before God pronounced, etc… Still, I wished Renee would have latched on a bit more to what I was sharing. Further along in thought, as I drove, I wished Anna would have been more cognizant of all that she just experienced, I wished Victor was older to comprehend. Inevitably, after a moment of realization I thought just how much I wished Simon was still with me.
I wished to have experienced this day with Simon. His wise mind would have latched on greatly in wonder and in prayer for the newlyweds. We would have prayed for a “future wife” for him. How ripe his mind and heart would have been to receive understanding about the institution of marriage. Seamlessly, without a moment’s notice, I started ugly crying. Scrambling to breathe amid this invading tidal wave of grief that so violated the goodness of the day. I know it's ok to cry, Lord knows I have. However, God, in the ensuing moment, gave me another option. He sent me this thought: “Nic there is another wedding. You will be in attendance with Simon. It will be more glorious than anything you have ever done or seen.” My grief and sorrow were quenched instantly, less than a minute after it started. I let that promise minister to me as I recalled all I knew about the Biblical event/promise of the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. The wedding we saw today was a shadow of the heavenly one to come. I could have allowed that thought to fade away, and be weeping still; But glory to God, he filled me with awe and majestic wonder.
If you have been reading these entries since my loss, isn’t that the theme of my time through the valley of the shadow of death? That God would gift me a faith greater than my sorrow! Praise God for the tender help I received in that moment of need. Seconds later as I drove home, I recalled spinning Anna on the dance floor at the reception in her chair. She shared her joy of vestibular motion with others. She illuminated the dance floor with the spiritual gift of Joy.
Anna’s Fruitfulness
The Lord revealed to me that Anna bears much spiritual fruit. The fruits I’m talking about are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. By God’s grace, all these virtues are low hanging fruit that she gives freely to others right from her wheelchair. Without saying a word, she suffers patiently giving a smile the following moments after acute suffering. Anna’s self-control is evident because of her reasonableness in crying, she doesn’t cry unless something is wrong. Other fruits like kindness and gentleness show up anytime someone is crying, she will cry with them. Conversely, if there is laughter Anna will brim with joy and goodness because she wants to join in on the laughter. I’m so privileged to have noticed this in my non-verbal daughter! Also, when we sing hymns or worship songs she will “sing” in her way as if she is communing with the Lord in a language only her and Him can understand, isn’t this a description of intimate love with God? Lastly, Her faithfulness to God comes when I see how removed she is from sinning. Much of that is limitations, however in being around her you can see that her spirit is in no way self-seeking or sin-seeking. This inspires worship in me. I imagine my home is protected in the spiritual realm because of many reasons, one of which is Anna. God’s purposes for Anna are in full swing, what a rich gift from the Lord she is to care for and father.
Praise the Lord for:
-the heavenly wedding of Jesus Christ and His church. I remain in awe at how that event came alive in my mind’s eye at just the right time.
-Continued progress in our basement. God brought a humble handyman who has time to serve us and enjoys the work.
-Mother and Sons’ plans being realized. Our family always seeks to redeem the time on Halloween. During the Covid year, Simon and Lindsey planned a grand Reformation party that we were never able to realize until two days ago. It was a giant blessing to us to carry out those carefully laid plans and dust off those crafts that were bought for this specific occasion. There were about 20 kids at our house! The impact of Simon continues to be a treasure to unpack.
- Renee growing in many ways. She has been latching onto godly counseling, seeking good things, becoming a better example to Victor and helpful around the house. There has been much more critical thinking instead of outbursts, coloring instead of crying, trusting instead of tantrums. Praise God.
- our marital unity. I see more bonding, light-hearted jokes, working well together, and heart sharing. Recently I have grasped what a rich, noble, call it is to be so exclusive and edifying to one another. Custom tailored by the Creator, each for the other. The wedding reminded me that God loves me so much through my bride.
Please Pray for:
- my mother. Please pray that I would be a rich gift for her during this time. That I would find the time to visit her and read God’s Word. My mother’s health is failing. She continues to lose her balance and fall. Praise God it has been one month since her last fall, she desires to sleep frequently. Mentally, there seems to be more persistent lucidity and disoriented statements. Pray for healing in her eyes, she has a sharp pain on one of them and the other is tired. This complication has reduced her to keeping her eyes closed during our visits. Ultimately pray for what pleases the Lord regarding my mother. I have often said, “Only Jesus has sacrificed more for me than mom.”
- my work. They have given me a promotion without the increased pay. I now lead a wave of workers through truck freight everyday, one department at a time, usually between 15-20 people on a given day. It has been a struggle to win the respect and buy-in with many new faces. I have been praying for the Lord to make me an encouragement invested in each of them. That God would be glorified.
-Anna's needs to be met. By God’s grace we have been doing well without a night nurse for 5 months now. Respite has been flakey; we are in search of reliability. Also, we have a wave of Dr. appointments including a return trip to the Aurora Children’s hospital coming up.
Thanks for reading and praying,
Nic
