The liquor store clerks couldn’t tell I had the Light of the World
in me, I didn’t take a day off from drinking after my day of salvation. All
they could see is me in that ratty old hat, doing same old- same old in front
of their Carlo Rossi selection of jug wines. It came as a shock that a clear
but gentle voice up from within me said, “That’s old Nic you don’t need that
anymore.” I snapped to attention making sure nobody else heard, paused, took a
long stare at the wine grabbed it and headed for the clerk. The next day I
heard a similar prompt, “you are a new creation the old is gone, that includes
drinking.” Every time after that, I had this wise gentleman with me when I
entered the liquor store, kindly reminding me that Jesus asked me to give up
the bottle the day I believed. Sometimes as I walked up to the door of the
store I would tell God, “I know what you are going to tell me once I enter.”
Inwardly reborn, outwardly stubborn.
I installed a teetertotter in my apartment to play old self/new
self drinking games. Every night I’d bounce up on a liquor high dropping my new
self to the ground while taking in some flick that i never remembered in the
morning. The next morning the teetertotter new self went up high and would drop
the old self to my knees, because I knew my Savior lives and I was still held
by sin, weeping at the inescapability of my drunkenness, looking to Jesus at
the cross praying for more blood, more mercy. Day after day for more than a
year. This was a dangerous and difficult reality, but God graciously reminded
me that I can’t stay where I was when He found me.
Soon after placing my faith in Jesus, the Yellow Pages gave me my
first church, pastor gave me my first memory verse. I started talking to him
about my drinking. It was a verse that was a dagger to the Lone Ranger drinker
that I was. “No temptation has seized you except that which is common to man,
and God is faithful He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear,
but when you are tempted He will offer a way out so you can stand up under it.”
So now in those mornings when my warring old self dropped off the teetertotter
and I was weeping for mercy -certain of forgiveness. I added a prayer of God
actuating this promised jailbreak.
The first “way out” God gave me was a week-long mission trip, no
booze, not alone, new place, it was God’s grace. I prayed and praised with
confidence that drinking was over, only to find my mind felt differently once I
was back in town. What a clown, down on my knees again, pretty sure that God
gave me a way out and I messed it up. Did I ruin my chance that God gave? Yes.
But I still had that kind gentleman whispering at me from within, when I was at
the liquor store. I still remember the certainty of forgiveness the Bible
promises. So, I still pleaded the blood of Jesus every morning amid my hungover
state. This is a dangerous spot be in, I knew it needed to go.
“Way out” #2 was God leading me to Moody Bible Institute. I signed
a contract saying I could not drink. After much prayer about what that contract
meant for this despairing sin and addiction, I said “well where God guides, He
provides.” The Holy Spirit, my pastor, and my brother helped me know that God
has to be the one to do the work. “Depend on Christ in me to not drink.” Christ
in me is the hope of glory over all my sins. As I stepped out in faith, power
was given, and lies were exposed about my “need” to drink. Everything was
new as I moved to Chicago and started a long-distance engagement to Lindsey
whom I met at Bible study. I didn’t drink the entire fall semester, excitement
grew as the wedding date was set for the summer. I fell into drinking
around spring break. The darkness of returning tempted me to keep all this to
myself and carry on at school like a two-faced man. The comfort of
drinking again was so flimsy, phony. But breaking a promise, tearing down of my
word, and wanting to hide it all loomed large. Like The thief/killer/destroyer
knocking at my door saying “let’s ride again.”
God’s grace to me was in the form of a Washington Apple, my
honest, virtuous and Christ loving fiancée. This bride-to-be, was so tender
over the phone faithful day after day. How could I keep anything away from her?
So, I didn’t. We were committed to living truthfully before the Lord. A forged
Christlikeness in me brought my confession of relapse to her over the phone in
tears. Lindsey was very informed of my past problem with it. Her response was absent
of that wooing tenderness, more like that of a judge and jury. There was no
consolation, or watering down of our trust. Lindsey replied, “I love you Nic,
and I want to marry you in the coming months. But my childhood was compromised
because of alcohol and I want to make sure my adulthood isn’t. So, if you want
to marry me, or can’t drink.” I was so put off in the moment, like she had no
empathy for the monumental hardship I was dealing with.
I remember long talks with God, having a drink here and there
leading up the end of my first year at Moody. I prayed, laying the anguish of
my heart before the Lord. Certain that He doesn’t call me to a life of drunkenness,
also certain that He brought Lindsey to me for marriage, but this poison
remained, its desire more and more muted to my will power. Its temptation over
me looking like a cheap thrill rather than the golden calf of comfort and
consolation it once was. Returning home for the wedding allowed me to just drop
the issue and it’s was a grace that alcohol wasn’t around that week before my
new vows.
It is to the glory of God, through the wise love of my wife, and
the freedom only found in Jesus, that I can say: Jesus gave me a third “way
out”. I call it my wedding gift from God. We will celebrate ten years of
marriage this July. And ten years away from alcohol. Let it be known that
this was a two-year repentance project from the day of my salvation. God doesn’t
give up.
