I am the son of a strong woman. All throughout, females have shaped my life more than men. Although my three brothers come close. I admire and respect women. God has placed such beauty in women that even when out of the light of God men still desire them. Out of my past influences, I am able to look past the surface beauty of a women.
The Frenchman in me fills my mind with a chance to "love again" -as I felt so in love many years ago, for a brief couple of years. Christ wasn't the center of our love so the Devil helped exhaust it. I lost my virginity to her because I felt love, it was so meaningful I thought. I was even proud that I waited 23 years for a "true love". The French mindset preserves ideals of romantic love that I still get caught up in. The courting really gets me (and Edith Piaf's music). However I'm not a player, cassanove or even flirtatious. Sometimes I don't think I'm even good looking or a "catch".
God will be faithful to me as I continue to devote my life to Him. I'm not in a place where I can lead, provide and make promises to a girlfriend yet. Still, I desire to know her, I want to meet the person I've been praying for under the name "my wife" (maybe Jane Doe would work too). God's prepairing in us both His works and blessings. I keep dating to a wife hunt, not some social thing meant for hot summer nights. If women are naturally beautiful, how radiant and beautiful is a women thirsting and testing the Word of God. Hottie boombalattie!
In my wife I have hope, reassurance of her devotion to God. That way, I am certain of where she'll go after her death. I don't "lay the mac", I don't play because I trust in the amazing gifts God has for me within my wife. So that's my hope. Now about: the wait, and letting sins run dry.
Going at God's speed is so different. I still get swept away by attraction which is healthy to an extent. My attractions are often decieving, absent of maturity, and plagued by the stain of sexual immorality. I get really intense, really curious, really fast, then its gone. Before I knew Christ, I knew Satan's deceptions immensly. Sex is one of his strongholds condemning earned self-discipline by a fleeding pleasure which can be found at climax.
After I had sex (what I thought was love), my eyes darkened and the flood gates opened: not on a sex level. But lusting, poisoning my long kept admiration of women and developing relationships with two dimensional graphics. Porn, the poor man's hooker. I felt no shame in staring, glaring and coveting.
Today I hate what Satan did to my eyes and long held beliefs. I am in a better place now: to be Christ-like is to look at the heart. At my young adult group we talked about homosexuality and without a doubt. God has placed another addiction of mine to the forefront. God has committed my attention to pornography. Sexual sin is deeply rooted in my psychological make up. Mankind's unique ability to experiance intimacy is why this sin dwells on my heart and history so obviously, even though I'm a follower of Christ.
I hate it. Lust and pornography has decieved me and endangered my hope of knowing God and the wife He has planned for me. Today I destroyed another item of pornography. I prayed about it. -I'm out... Since I became a believer I have gone in circles: Owning some, throwing it away, weeks go by, I lust sexually for someone again, I'm repulsed at it being someone I know, so I go buy some porn and feel casual because I don't know the women in it.
Satan wants to pawn off intimacy as casual feel good sex; like some kind of loose weight fast infomercial with a bonus offer if you call right now. When actually its vulnerable, loving and binding. I sinned against God; and added to that, its a sin against the person with whom I slept with, lusted after and even viewed in porn.
I have prayed often that the women I've slept with might forgive me, moreover God and moreover the women that I hope to marry. What a mess, a tangled and mangled thing that only Christ could make straight. I've written letters to that lost lover, i'll never send them. They consist of asking for forgiveness for sexual immorality in light of my accpeting Jesus as personal savior.
Whats left is trying to rid myself of masturbation. After the act, I'm guilty and dejected. I can buy and throw away porn all day long. what am I to do with something stuck to me? I have shared with Christian men who have/had twice the temptation regarding this. Still I am convinced in the will power of my mind being wed to God's holy word and creating victory over sin time and time again. (See the previous blog entry for proof.)
The hope I have is the last aspect of this entry. It is a hope founded firstly on The Lamb of God's final sacrifice for atonement from sin, the death and ressurrection. Jesus is all truth and I am loved by Him, taught by Him and cleaned my Him. As this reaches His body of believers please pray for my deliverance from this Devil-headlock. I Give it up in confession to renew my hopes to have a Godly intimacy one day. I await to be childlike once more so women regain that source of admiration I have forgotten about.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Confessions of a wound from a broken bottle
I've heard it said that people have the possibility to make every action an act of worship for God. How is this possible in the sinful body I occupy coupled with the earth around me? Being "born again" as Jesus termed means to trust and wager your life with His every word. God the Father is contracted to remain faithful because of His plans and the completion of those through his Son.
In a personal hypothesis, I imagine God the Father being repelled at the over abundance of what destruction and death sin has caused amongst the earth, civil people and even family. In the Bible, God clearly states His hatrid of sin makes me value how unforgiving He should be if it weren't for Jesus Christ. I don't know God's thoughts (except what is shown to me in the Bible). As a new believer I have confessed my sins, nailed Christ on that cross, saw His blood so unfairly pour out onto my wickedness and shame for a division from my sins. Satan is my enemy and I am justified in hating that which is evil.
Jesus Christ took every one of His actions as an act of worship for God. He showed me it is possible; and to prove that He is Lord He included every one of His words as an act of worship For God. Thus being the innocent lamb, our final sacrifice (atonement for sin). Christ is all truth, lived in action and the epicenter of love.
My clean cut from the lineage to Adam and Eve was on November tenth 2006. I am a child of God forgiven of evil through Christ. Sin and evil still tempt me because the Devil never imagined my turnaround. Its harder now, yet Satan is a test that Christ Himself had to combat on earth. In light of His example and mercy I am not to conform to the pattern of this world. But to persue righteousenss hoping that one day every action I do becomes an act of worship for God.
I didn't think drinking liquor as a Christian would infringe on my personal relationship with Christ. Soon after trusting Christ endlessly... I found myself sharing my life with a bottle rather the the Bible. As a bachelor it seems harmless, but casting my cares and emotions onto this instead of my Savior was a sin. This temptation weaved to the level of destruction. I've endangered my health, jepordized my self love and ruined the money God has blessed me with.
All of this is not OK, so God placed this on my heart and with the help of Christ's body of believers on earth; I became equipped with the weapons to combat Satan and this temptation. That included Bible verses, watching a river as I cried for my sins and prayed for redemption from drunkeness, fellowship with believers, and knowing that prayers are being spoken to God about this.
Now I cannot be passive. I declared hatrid for liquor as a substance, and where the Devil has taken me with it. -Not judging those who drink or hating myself because I lived in drunkenness.
I have made this commitment and my will power is stronger in obediance to God. I don't forsee drinking again because of the deception that I endured because of it. It has been five nights of not drinking and I even had beer in the fridge. Last night I cleaned it out. The person I gave the beer to said: "Man, now I know you're serious about this."
Faith in Christ is a serious thing. My first prayer as a believer was for a slow conversion (due to the decptions of other faiths namely Buddhism and Catholicism). It has been slow but progressive. I am envigurated now by this progression and the different direction my life with God will take now. A brother in Christ that helped me through this said: "remember this battle for those moments of doubt in the battles to come!"
In a personal hypothesis, I imagine God the Father being repelled at the over abundance of what destruction and death sin has caused amongst the earth, civil people and even family. In the Bible, God clearly states His hatrid of sin makes me value how unforgiving He should be if it weren't for Jesus Christ. I don't know God's thoughts (except what is shown to me in the Bible). As a new believer I have confessed my sins, nailed Christ on that cross, saw His blood so unfairly pour out onto my wickedness and shame for a division from my sins. Satan is my enemy and I am justified in hating that which is evil.
Jesus Christ took every one of His actions as an act of worship for God. He showed me it is possible; and to prove that He is Lord He included every one of His words as an act of worship For God. Thus being the innocent lamb, our final sacrifice (atonement for sin). Christ is all truth, lived in action and the epicenter of love.
My clean cut from the lineage to Adam and Eve was on November tenth 2006. I am a child of God forgiven of evil through Christ. Sin and evil still tempt me because the Devil never imagined my turnaround. Its harder now, yet Satan is a test that Christ Himself had to combat on earth. In light of His example and mercy I am not to conform to the pattern of this world. But to persue righteousenss hoping that one day every action I do becomes an act of worship for God.
I didn't think drinking liquor as a Christian would infringe on my personal relationship with Christ. Soon after trusting Christ endlessly... I found myself sharing my life with a bottle rather the the Bible. As a bachelor it seems harmless, but casting my cares and emotions onto this instead of my Savior was a sin. This temptation weaved to the level of destruction. I've endangered my health, jepordized my self love and ruined the money God has blessed me with.
All of this is not OK, so God placed this on my heart and with the help of Christ's body of believers on earth; I became equipped with the weapons to combat Satan and this temptation. That included Bible verses, watching a river as I cried for my sins and prayed for redemption from drunkeness, fellowship with believers, and knowing that prayers are being spoken to God about this.
Now I cannot be passive. I declared hatrid for liquor as a substance, and where the Devil has taken me with it. -Not judging those who drink or hating myself because I lived in drunkenness.
I have made this commitment and my will power is stronger in obediance to God. I don't forsee drinking again because of the deception that I endured because of it. It has been five nights of not drinking and I even had beer in the fridge. Last night I cleaned it out. The person I gave the beer to said: "Man, now I know you're serious about this."
Faith in Christ is a serious thing. My first prayer as a believer was for a slow conversion (due to the decptions of other faiths namely Buddhism and Catholicism). It has been slow but progressive. I am envigurated now by this progression and the different direction my life with God will take now. A brother in Christ that helped me through this said: "remember this battle for those moments of doubt in the battles to come!"
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Art school pays off
Y'all check it. so I work retail security and I get paid to take it seriously. Let me tell you, God works through security guards! When my potential was greatest (according to society). My will power drove me to art school in Chicago to persue a degree in film. I was totally overwhelmed because their curriculum forced me to take one class in every discipline of filmmaking save catering.
By the end of my second year when it became permissable to chose what consentration of film I was to persue, I changed majors. It was the seed of filmmaking that interested me: the script. Creating with words a place never ventured yet highly familiar. Where love and wonder becomes believable for at least the durating of the film.
I switched to fiction writing. New formats of written words helped me think differently. This new passion flooded into my work, my train rides and every time I smoked pot. I became quite the philosopher spilling out universal truths and taking pride in my keen observations. I wanted to earn a constant sense of awaireness; To create with what's being created.
The drug of writing/art is that when I do it, I have married myself to the present moment unfolding. Never in all of life has this art work been made (this blog entry would be no exception dig?). So an artist is a creator. I stewed on that and came to believe that I am the creator of my life. So totally approved by God that He lets me do what I want.
After four years of seemingly complete pain; my potential was at an all time low (see my testamony). I was touched by God's grace enough give up my scrambled state of living to Jesus Christ and his death and his ressurection for my sins. I've come to accept that God does indeed let me do what I want, but He HATES my sin. God can't be around what is evil.
This Bible passage has made me shed false philosophies that were once close to my heart and mind: "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -his good, pleasing and perfect will." (Romans 12:2)
I say this because I test God. Not the way Satan tempted Jesus challenging Him to jump off the highest point of the temple so that angels could save Him. (Luke 4:9-13) I test God like Paul asks: through His will, and the grace afforded to me as a follower of Christ. So in prayer often I am testing His will in my life. Trusting that with God first I have no remaining fears save God. That's huge thing to test. But guess what i'm doing it. Mainly at work!
My observation skills used to build stories helps me notice theft and the build up leading to it. My photographic eye used to capture landscapes, shapes and lighting; Now looks in shopping carts, parking lots and footage for safety and theft. We live in a society that covets constantly and thinks of themselves before others.
I say this because I acted swiftly to apprehend a guy stealing $300 worth of stuff. He was a drunk and he's probably sobering up in jail as I write this. Stealing is highly addicting (trust me I know from my childhood) because it works the first twenty-eight times. On the twenty-ninth the thief gets sloppy, some hourly schmo notices and tells his boss who cuffs the crook.
Here's where the drinking part really brings out the Satan-like manifesting: the police shows up ready to give him a ticket and release him. He does not submit to authority (see Romans 13:1-2). The thief does not cooperate instead yells, bangs his head against the wall and insults the officer saying cops can't read. That's all tolerable disobediance. Then, the cussing, I thought would be the climax given its content. But no, he spit in the officer's face... which is a felony, which is why he's in jail.
Suddently I'm faced to think that that could have been me if I didn't become a believer in Jesus. Honestly, what made me believe in Him was financial, transportational turmoil-surface level stuff that could cause an ex-ex-thief to stealing again instead of trusting God. Of course the onslaught of deception during the last four years was also instrumental in calling it quits for the "my way of life".
He is trespassed from the premisis, I am praying for him and that God may work in his life. I also am silenced at accepting the works of God alive in me when I test His will. I feared greatly and there is much to this story I'm leaving out. I don't understand what stregnth the Holy Spirit has when He is at work inside me. In hindsight I Praise God.
By the end of my second year when it became permissable to chose what consentration of film I was to persue, I changed majors. It was the seed of filmmaking that interested me: the script. Creating with words a place never ventured yet highly familiar. Where love and wonder becomes believable for at least the durating of the film.
I switched to fiction writing. New formats of written words helped me think differently. This new passion flooded into my work, my train rides and every time I smoked pot. I became quite the philosopher spilling out universal truths and taking pride in my keen observations. I wanted to earn a constant sense of awaireness; To create with what's being created.
The drug of writing/art is that when I do it, I have married myself to the present moment unfolding. Never in all of life has this art work been made (this blog entry would be no exception dig?). So an artist is a creator. I stewed on that and came to believe that I am the creator of my life. So totally approved by God that He lets me do what I want.
After four years of seemingly complete pain; my potential was at an all time low (see my testamony). I was touched by God's grace enough give up my scrambled state of living to Jesus Christ and his death and his ressurection for my sins. I've come to accept that God does indeed let me do what I want, but He HATES my sin. God can't be around what is evil.
This Bible passage has made me shed false philosophies that were once close to my heart and mind: "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -his good, pleasing and perfect will." (Romans 12:2)
I say this because I test God. Not the way Satan tempted Jesus challenging Him to jump off the highest point of the temple so that angels could save Him. (Luke 4:9-13) I test God like Paul asks: through His will, and the grace afforded to me as a follower of Christ. So in prayer often I am testing His will in my life. Trusting that with God first I have no remaining fears save God. That's huge thing to test. But guess what i'm doing it. Mainly at work!
My observation skills used to build stories helps me notice theft and the build up leading to it. My photographic eye used to capture landscapes, shapes and lighting; Now looks in shopping carts, parking lots and footage for safety and theft. We live in a society that covets constantly and thinks of themselves before others.
I say this because I acted swiftly to apprehend a guy stealing $300 worth of stuff. He was a drunk and he's probably sobering up in jail as I write this. Stealing is highly addicting (trust me I know from my childhood) because it works the first twenty-eight times. On the twenty-ninth the thief gets sloppy, some hourly schmo notices and tells his boss who cuffs the crook.
Here's where the drinking part really brings out the Satan-like manifesting: the police shows up ready to give him a ticket and release him. He does not submit to authority (see Romans 13:1-2). The thief does not cooperate instead yells, bangs his head against the wall and insults the officer saying cops can't read. That's all tolerable disobediance. Then, the cussing, I thought would be the climax given its content. But no, he spit in the officer's face... which is a felony, which is why he's in jail.
Suddently I'm faced to think that that could have been me if I didn't become a believer in Jesus. Honestly, what made me believe in Him was financial, transportational turmoil-surface level stuff that could cause an ex-ex-thief to stealing again instead of trusting God. Of course the onslaught of deception during the last four years was also instrumental in calling it quits for the "my way of life".
He is trespassed from the premisis, I am praying for him and that God may work in his life. I also am silenced at accepting the works of God alive in me when I test His will. I feared greatly and there is much to this story I'm leaving out. I don't understand what stregnth the Holy Spirit has when He is at work inside me. In hindsight I Praise God.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Breakin' it down fo moms
Hey Gang, the last few entries have been bulky, phone bookesque and my mom was like yeah I read it, but it took so long. So to adhear to a shorter, more palettable-for-mother-format. I wrote this poem during the weeks that I was trying to assemble my testamony:
Where once was blaming, enter Christ's forgiveness.
Where once was cigarettes, enter the Holy Spirit.
Where once was my will, enter God's plan.
Where once was Plato, enter Paul.
Where once was tough, enter tears.
Where once was sarcasm, enter sincere.
Where once was gambling, enter softball.
Where once was Kurt Vonnegut, enter C.S. Lewis.
Where once was Woody Allen, enter Tyler Perry.
Where once was Outkast, enter Cross Movement.
Where once was McDonalds, enter a sack lunch.
Where once was darkness, enter light.
Where once was blaming, enter Christ's forgiveness.
Where once was cigarettes, enter the Holy Spirit.
Where once was my will, enter God's plan.
Where once was Plato, enter Paul.
Where once was tough, enter tears.
Where once was sarcasm, enter sincere.
Where once was gambling, enter softball.
Where once was Kurt Vonnegut, enter C.S. Lewis.
Where once was Woody Allen, enter Tyler Perry.
Where once was Outkast, enter Cross Movement.
Where once was McDonalds, enter a sack lunch.
Where once was darkness, enter light.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Recieving a Bold Baptism
After my Baptism and sharing with my family and friends. I felt ready for a nap but remembered that my young adult group was headed to a women's prison to hold a Sunday service for about twenty of the ladies there. The women were in ages from 15-24. We praised God in song and had a message on the Beatitudes given by a pastor. We broke into small groups. I felt weird, like they thought I was judging them. Thankfully one of the weekly volunteers sat in and helped me lead.
The talkative girl was said "yeah I like the one where Jesus says: Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me." (Matt 5:11) Cause just this last week, me and the girl next to me got in trouble but I didn't do nothing." I pointed to the girl next to her trying to get everyone in the conversation and asked: "so you were being falsely accused also?"
The talkative one blurts out "no she's the one accusing me! She thinks I'm gettin' with some girl and it ain't true." This was escalating to a potential cat fight. And not knowing it I'm feuling the fire. So I was like "hold up, hold up this verse ends by saying because of me. meaning Jesus." The girl responded by saying "well it wuz during Bible study." That was just such a strange occurance.
Praying in a shared prayer with them was amazing. the requests, the difficulties of being locked in. I prayed that the Holy Spirit be with them and that God reveils himself to them. After I looked at them and felt a sense of sharing and unity. Quite opposite from when I walked in the room. One of the girls was crying, I pray that she was touched by God's mercy and love.
Back at the church we held our regular Sunday night young adult group. There's this guy that comes off and on. (kinda like me lately) but he really has this sense of questioning everything. Letting us know what he likes about God and what God must be thinking about this and that. Just a dude with a clear desire to know the truth life has to offer.
For example we watch this incredible short clip from the internet of the worlds best tight rope walker. The guy performed mainly at Niagara Falls hundreds of feet above the water during the 1920's. He made each walk harder: First blind folded, then on stilts, then in a burlap bag, and for his biggest stunt he wanted to push a wheel barrow with someone inside. As the crowed roared in admiration and approval the rope walker said: "Now I need a volunteer."
The guest pastor used this as an image of trusting in Jesus Christ. Are we brave enough to let Christ wheel us on his tight rope dispite our fears? Or maybe the idea of Christianity is enough and worth applauding from the shore. And so after this presentation the guy challenged the pastor with this question: "Don't you think God gets mad at people in the Guiness Book of World Records, or the circus, on Ripley's Believe it or Not?"
By now I'm tired, very tired and this dude is just prolonging the meeting. Who knows what God thinks. Even the greatest theologians on earth can't know God's reasons for certain mysteries like the Trinity. By now I'm getting impatient every time he says something. Well we adjurn for the night and I'm headed for the door. And that dude is like: "Hey wait are you Nic?"
He's sitting and I'm stoped abruptly giving the "what do you want" look. He says that he's been in a hard, hard spiritual battle raging inside him especially when he's alone. One of the other members of the group told him to talk to me about what I went through. I described my deceptions brought on by the Devil. How I had no control of my body or thought process after a certain point.
As for spiritual warfare (not knowingly sure what that was) I told him that the war is over, though my spirit lives on, God reigns by His son Owning my faith. Jesus holds my soul in the realm of the eternal. On Liberation day (11-10-06) I accepted the free gift of salvation in Jesus Christ by placing my faith in Him alone. God required me to trust in His Son before gaining understanding of the Bible and His revelation within me (why I went through what I did).
I could tell he might not have thought about this distinction so I continued by saying: "Now I remind myself daily of this spirtual war being won by obeying Christ. The battles in my mind and body are remanants of the hell I put myself through. This victory comes in faithfulness in prayer, hope, and will power. All of which come from wanting and doing God's will. With grace I will continue to turn from sin, read the Bible and apply it.
We continued by talking about sin. He claims his upbringing as being the deep root of his lusting. I shared with him that I struggle with that and yet I grew up surrounded by strong women and dated girls that I deeply respected. Yet I still chose to lust. The guy was like "ok, that was your choice. Mine was imposed upon psychologically by my parents." To this I said: "yeah that is probably true but don't you think God knows this." He took one of those double blinks. And we finished by talking about the blame game as a trick the Devil uses.
Two last ideas I gave him to chew on was this: place all your knowledge, history, events and spiritual beliefs in a box. Well God isn't in that box. Your thoughts on God are in there, but God is so much bigger than that box. Second, religion is defined as man's attempt to bridging the gap between himself and God. But the Bible is God reaching out to us. This was from a great DVD given to me called the Gospel Journey by Dare 2 Share Ministries.
God's spirit convicted me to share. As we parted, I felt peace yet pumping with adrenaline hoping that Jesus would reach down and change this guy's mind for His glory. That was a definate first for me, sharing my past with someone who has been troubled with similar problems. I saw my old self somewhat and what it means to be a willing believer. I tried to highlight the angles of faith I didn't understand before believing. But the choice to follow Christ is squarely on his shoulders.
On the ride home I thought of all the people who talked to me when I was drowning in confusion and deception at a hospital; for a moment I imagined their prayers on my behalf and wept. Look at who God is continuing to redeem. I'm welling up so I'm gonna go. Thanks for all your help
The talkative girl was said "yeah I like the one where Jesus says: Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me." (Matt 5:11) Cause just this last week, me and the girl next to me got in trouble but I didn't do nothing." I pointed to the girl next to her trying to get everyone in the conversation and asked: "so you were being falsely accused also?"
The talkative one blurts out "no she's the one accusing me! She thinks I'm gettin' with some girl and it ain't true." This was escalating to a potential cat fight. And not knowing it I'm feuling the fire. So I was like "hold up, hold up this verse ends by saying because of me. meaning Jesus." The girl responded by saying "well it wuz during Bible study." That was just such a strange occurance.
Praying in a shared prayer with them was amazing. the requests, the difficulties of being locked in. I prayed that the Holy Spirit be with them and that God reveils himself to them. After I looked at them and felt a sense of sharing and unity. Quite opposite from when I walked in the room. One of the girls was crying, I pray that she was touched by God's mercy and love.
Back at the church we held our regular Sunday night young adult group. There's this guy that comes off and on. (kinda like me lately) but he really has this sense of questioning everything. Letting us know what he likes about God and what God must be thinking about this and that. Just a dude with a clear desire to know the truth life has to offer.
For example we watch this incredible short clip from the internet of the worlds best tight rope walker. The guy performed mainly at Niagara Falls hundreds of feet above the water during the 1920's. He made each walk harder: First blind folded, then on stilts, then in a burlap bag, and for his biggest stunt he wanted to push a wheel barrow with someone inside. As the crowed roared in admiration and approval the rope walker said: "Now I need a volunteer."
The guest pastor used this as an image of trusting in Jesus Christ. Are we brave enough to let Christ wheel us on his tight rope dispite our fears? Or maybe the idea of Christianity is enough and worth applauding from the shore. And so after this presentation the guy challenged the pastor with this question: "Don't you think God gets mad at people in the Guiness Book of World Records, or the circus, on Ripley's Believe it or Not?"
By now I'm tired, very tired and this dude is just prolonging the meeting. Who knows what God thinks. Even the greatest theologians on earth can't know God's reasons for certain mysteries like the Trinity. By now I'm getting impatient every time he says something. Well we adjurn for the night and I'm headed for the door. And that dude is like: "Hey wait are you Nic?"
He's sitting and I'm stoped abruptly giving the "what do you want" look. He says that he's been in a hard, hard spiritual battle raging inside him especially when he's alone. One of the other members of the group told him to talk to me about what I went through. I described my deceptions brought on by the Devil. How I had no control of my body or thought process after a certain point.
As for spiritual warfare (not knowingly sure what that was) I told him that the war is over, though my spirit lives on, God reigns by His son Owning my faith. Jesus holds my soul in the realm of the eternal. On Liberation day (11-10-06) I accepted the free gift of salvation in Jesus Christ by placing my faith in Him alone. God required me to trust in His Son before gaining understanding of the Bible and His revelation within me (why I went through what I did).
I could tell he might not have thought about this distinction so I continued by saying: "Now I remind myself daily of this spirtual war being won by obeying Christ. The battles in my mind and body are remanants of the hell I put myself through. This victory comes in faithfulness in prayer, hope, and will power. All of which come from wanting and doing God's will. With grace I will continue to turn from sin, read the Bible and apply it.
We continued by talking about sin. He claims his upbringing as being the deep root of his lusting. I shared with him that I struggle with that and yet I grew up surrounded by strong women and dated girls that I deeply respected. Yet I still chose to lust. The guy was like "ok, that was your choice. Mine was imposed upon psychologically by my parents." To this I said: "yeah that is probably true but don't you think God knows this." He took one of those double blinks. And we finished by talking about the blame game as a trick the Devil uses.
Two last ideas I gave him to chew on was this: place all your knowledge, history, events and spiritual beliefs in a box. Well God isn't in that box. Your thoughts on God are in there, but God is so much bigger than that box. Second, religion is defined as man's attempt to bridging the gap between himself and God. But the Bible is God reaching out to us. This was from a great DVD given to me called the Gospel Journey by Dare 2 Share Ministries.
God's spirit convicted me to share. As we parted, I felt peace yet pumping with adrenaline hoping that Jesus would reach down and change this guy's mind for His glory. That was a definate first for me, sharing my past with someone who has been troubled with similar problems. I saw my old self somewhat and what it means to be a willing believer. I tried to highlight the angles of faith I didn't understand before believing. But the choice to follow Christ is squarely on his shoulders.
On the ride home I thought of all the people who talked to me when I was drowning in confusion and deception at a hospital; for a moment I imagined their prayers on my behalf and wept. Look at who God is continuing to redeem. I'm welling up so I'm gonna go. Thanks for all your help
Sunday, August 5, 2007
My testamonial given at Red Rocks Fellowship on May 6 2007
If thought and actions define who receives God's grace and mercy, then I would be without it. But God wants our faith before any action or gift.
I grew up without a father, so I turned to stealing, fighting and cursing. In my teen years I found a Catholic version of God that would inspire a departure from those sins. In exchange I was in a youth group, youth choir and did retreats. God was working me, but I thought that I believed in Him because my family did. I loathed my sins and believed that there was no guarantee for true forgiveness. I felt that with Jesus I'll end up hating myself.
College taught me original thoughts from humans not God. I'll never forget the night I wanted to say a prayer but my mind stopped it. Praying was no longer allowed if I want to be my own-self.
I was a writer and a thinker, my mind was so unique. This brought me to a vast exposure of music, politics, travel, and film. Highly addicting sins like pornography, alcohol, and marijuana defined me. Buddhism, improvisation comedy and even freestyle rhyming over hip-hop beats became my forms of worship. I was fearless in exploring the dark side of human kind. if I was to love myself completely I had to love my sins also.
By now I really didn't think the devil existed. I started writing stories in college that hated Christian thought. I satirized religion by creating my own.
Surprisingly I believed that I had enlightenment and could be a reincarnation of Buddha, so one night I tried to reach nirvana by getting naked and running off a pier in Chicago. The next day I was arrested for being naked on the streets. When the police asked me my name, I said I didn't have one. they asked me the time, I said that time did not exist.
I
I spent a month in a mental hospital diagnosed with hyperreligiousness (a type of schizophrenia) and bi-polar. But the Christians closest to me knew it was a demonic possession. The illness often mentioned in the Gospels but seldom on the ten o'clock news. My friends and family prayed over me so that Jesus would reclaim the ownership of mind, body and soul.
In Luke chapter 11 verses 24-26 Jesus talks of an evil spirit leaving a person and wandering back into them with seven more evil spirits once that person has cleaned and straightened up. A year after hospitalization my sins grew to include gambling, premarital sex, harder drugs and not loving myself. Satan intoxicated my thinking to convince me that I was the second coming of Jesus Christ able to grant salvation. This blaspheming lead to me tear up a Bible and urinate uncontrollably.
The day I submitted all my trust and faith to Jesus Christ started out like a normal Friday except I watched Tyler Perry's "I Can Do Bad All By Myself." One character in the play was so devastated at the evil that was tearing that family apart. She rebuked Satan in the name of Jesus Christ, rattling the magazines, throwing the pillows, repeating "the the Devil has no place in this house, go, get out in the name of Jesus." (a striking image if you believe that objects have energy as Buddhism taught me). As I went to work, I turned the corner of my apartment building to see that my car had been stolen. I returned to the apartment, called work, and dialed the police... As I waited I got down on my knees, closed my eyes and said:
"I forgot how to pray, but Lord Jesus I can't do this, this weight is too much. Jesus I remember in the Bible You saying that You lift up burdens and give light ones. Well this is for you to take please, I'm not deserving. Jesus I give you my soul, please forgive me and take all that I am. I have failed on my own."
After, I went to each room in my apartment shook stuff up, and demanded that the Devil and his depressiveness be cast out in the name of Jesus Christ, who is Lord forever and owner of this space...
The following days Satan tried to convince my mind that I never gave my life to Jesus, that that moment didn't happen. Soon after, I found this church in the yellow pages. It was here that I became convinced of the connectedness of Christians to one another in the body of Christ. Praying for people I've never met was humbling.
Pastor Jack's sermon on sexual immorality has brought biblical proof of how sickly my eyes wandered and that I've sinned against people too not just God. But the degree of lust's grip on me decreases with each time I lift my sin up in prayer and insist that Christ has forgiven it. Even dating now is reserved to finding a wife.
After smoking for ten years, I haven't had a cigarette in five months because that craving gets crushed by the power of the Holy Spirit. Gambling and illegal drugs are no longer in my life. Some sins are torn from me overnight like that and some like drinking require time and a Christian support group.
Submitting to authority used to make me cringe, yet overnight upon reading Romans I've come to pray for my leaders instead of holding their faults over their heads. (I prayed for obedience and submission to bosses at my Job.)
At work I participate in conversations that give no glory to God. I don't want people to stray from knowing God on my account. I still have a long way to go as a Christian worshiper.
Yet God's blessings for me since November include a 1983 Toyota supra, a G4 computer, a promotion at work, BSF International, a Christian young adult group, men's bible study, volunteering opportunities, tons of Christian media and then there's softball. I never thought that hitting a single just out of reach of the short stop would make me laugh and cry in sync on the car ride home.
I stand before you today filled with a willingness to obey the teaching of the Bible. My brain's detective work has lead me to accept the Bible as the word of God. My heart is healing by how much I've changed in less then a year.
God's work merits all glory. Today is really significant to me -it is a big deal. I'm going public telling you all that from now on I'm gonna trust and turn to Christ with whatever happens to me.
I gave my portion of faith to Jesus Christ on November tenth 2006. On that day, in my scrambled prayer I asked God to grant a light burden, this was the verse I was thinking of. It is Matt 11:29-30 Jesus says: "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I grew up without a father, so I turned to stealing, fighting and cursing. In my teen years I found a Catholic version of God that would inspire a departure from those sins. In exchange I was in a youth group, youth choir and did retreats. God was working me, but I thought that I believed in Him because my family did. I loathed my sins and believed that there was no guarantee for true forgiveness. I felt that with Jesus I'll end up hating myself.
College taught me original thoughts from humans not God. I'll never forget the night I wanted to say a prayer but my mind stopped it. Praying was no longer allowed if I want to be my own-self.
I was a writer and a thinker, my mind was so unique. This brought me to a vast exposure of music, politics, travel, and film. Highly addicting sins like pornography, alcohol, and marijuana defined me. Buddhism, improvisation comedy and even freestyle rhyming over hip-hop beats became my forms of worship. I was fearless in exploring the dark side of human kind. if I was to love myself completely I had to love my sins also.
By now I really didn't think the devil existed. I started writing stories in college that hated Christian thought. I satirized religion by creating my own.
Surprisingly I believed that I had enlightenment and could be a reincarnation of Buddha, so one night I tried to reach nirvana by getting naked and running off a pier in Chicago. The next day I was arrested for being naked on the streets. When the police asked me my name, I said I didn't have one. they asked me the time, I said that time did not exist.
I
I spent a month in a mental hospital diagnosed with hyperreligiousness (a type of schizophrenia) and bi-polar. But the Christians closest to me knew it was a demonic possession. The illness often mentioned in the Gospels but seldom on the ten o'clock news. My friends and family prayed over me so that Jesus would reclaim the ownership of mind, body and soul.
In Luke chapter 11 verses 24-26 Jesus talks of an evil spirit leaving a person and wandering back into them with seven more evil spirits once that person has cleaned and straightened up. A year after hospitalization my sins grew to include gambling, premarital sex, harder drugs and not loving myself. Satan intoxicated my thinking to convince me that I was the second coming of Jesus Christ able to grant salvation. This blaspheming lead to me tear up a Bible and urinate uncontrollably.
The day I submitted all my trust and faith to Jesus Christ started out like a normal Friday except I watched Tyler Perry's "I Can Do Bad All By Myself." One character in the play was so devastated at the evil that was tearing that family apart. She rebuked Satan in the name of Jesus Christ, rattling the magazines, throwing the pillows, repeating "the the Devil has no place in this house, go, get out in the name of Jesus." (a striking image if you believe that objects have energy as Buddhism taught me). As I went to work, I turned the corner of my apartment building to see that my car had been stolen. I returned to the apartment, called work, and dialed the police... As I waited I got down on my knees, closed my eyes and said:
"I forgot how to pray, but Lord Jesus I can't do this, this weight is too much. Jesus I remember in the Bible You saying that You lift up burdens and give light ones. Well this is for you to take please, I'm not deserving. Jesus I give you my soul, please forgive me and take all that I am. I have failed on my own."
After, I went to each room in my apartment shook stuff up, and demanded that the Devil and his depressiveness be cast out in the name of Jesus Christ, who is Lord forever and owner of this space...
The following days Satan tried to convince my mind that I never gave my life to Jesus, that that moment didn't happen. Soon after, I found this church in the yellow pages. It was here that I became convinced of the connectedness of Christians to one another in the body of Christ. Praying for people I've never met was humbling.
Pastor Jack's sermon on sexual immorality has brought biblical proof of how sickly my eyes wandered and that I've sinned against people too not just God. But the degree of lust's grip on me decreases with each time I lift my sin up in prayer and insist that Christ has forgiven it. Even dating now is reserved to finding a wife.
After smoking for ten years, I haven't had a cigarette in five months because that craving gets crushed by the power of the Holy Spirit. Gambling and illegal drugs are no longer in my life. Some sins are torn from me overnight like that and some like drinking require time and a Christian support group.
Submitting to authority used to make me cringe, yet overnight upon reading Romans I've come to pray for my leaders instead of holding their faults over their heads. (I prayed for obedience and submission to bosses at my Job.)
At work I participate in conversations that give no glory to God. I don't want people to stray from knowing God on my account. I still have a long way to go as a Christian worshiper.
Yet God's blessings for me since November include a 1983 Toyota supra, a G4 computer, a promotion at work, BSF International, a Christian young adult group, men's bible study, volunteering opportunities, tons of Christian media and then there's softball. I never thought that hitting a single just out of reach of the short stop would make me laugh and cry in sync on the car ride home.
I stand before you today filled with a willingness to obey the teaching of the Bible. My brain's detective work has lead me to accept the Bible as the word of God. My heart is healing by how much I've changed in less then a year.
God's work merits all glory. Today is really significant to me -it is a big deal. I'm going public telling you all that from now on I'm gonna trust and turn to Christ with whatever happens to me.
I gave my portion of faith to Jesus Christ on November tenth 2006. On that day, in my scrambled prayer I asked God to grant a light burden, this was the verse I was thinking of. It is Matt 11:29-30 Jesus says: "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Before understanding there is trust
I work in security at a large retailer. I'm in a position to do good in my community: to find missing kids, to protect good people, to apprehend bad ones, and to make quick decisions. Without being a believer in Jesus Christ I could not perform those duties. Why you say? Because I used to be a conflict-avoiding, approval seeking stoner, that had something to say about everything generally in a sarcastic tone. The slightest thing would freak me out, set me off. At the sound of a drop of water I was fearful, living with a dualistic mind: wanting to be God-pleasing and living it up as ever-tolerant, whatever-floats-your-boat kind of guy. The God I constructed my my head and followed with my faith lead me to insanity and demonic decptions. How can that person protect others?
It took believing with all I am in Jesus Christ, trusting that moment in time when I gave my faith to Him. An act filled with pity, desperation and suffering traded for the free gift of salvation. God the father decided to see my release onto Jesus as a gift for His glory. Go figure!! That was the designed plan for post messiah times; so learning to be obedient to the Word of God is huge. Before my understanding of Jesus there is my trust in Him.
In reading the Bible I've changed my mind. I had tons of wrong thoughts thunk by emotions. Choices made out of impulsive desires. Through it all I barely cared. Today I live in hope, it heals me.
One of the universal qualities about God spoken by believers in Jesus is this: the weaknesses in character that held me back during my years in darkness have become to the stregnth God graces me with now. All this to say that with my walk in faith, God has given me this new job that places front and center deep roots of my weak character. I have to make decisions quickly. I have to have a stern indifference when customers or co-worker belittle my job title. I have to be sincere and serious, knowing when to speak and what to say. I still have a sense of whatever-floats-your-boat kind of ideal; Added onto that thought now is praying for them. I try to reveil my heart to them which contains Jesus and his amazing love.
I cannot contain God in my mind like i tried before. In His eternal wisdom and faithfulness I am contained and thought out. I am as I am to love God and others first. I got to punch in so i got to run.
It took believing with all I am in Jesus Christ, trusting that moment in time when I gave my faith to Him. An act filled with pity, desperation and suffering traded for the free gift of salvation. God the father decided to see my release onto Jesus as a gift for His glory. Go figure!! That was the designed plan for post messiah times; so learning to be obedient to the Word of God is huge. Before my understanding of Jesus there is my trust in Him.
In reading the Bible I've changed my mind. I had tons of wrong thoughts thunk by emotions. Choices made out of impulsive desires. Through it all I barely cared. Today I live in hope, it heals me.
One of the universal qualities about God spoken by believers in Jesus is this: the weaknesses in character that held me back during my years in darkness have become to the stregnth God graces me with now. All this to say that with my walk in faith, God has given me this new job that places front and center deep roots of my weak character. I have to make decisions quickly. I have to have a stern indifference when customers or co-worker belittle my job title. I have to be sincere and serious, knowing when to speak and what to say. I still have a sense of whatever-floats-your-boat kind of ideal; Added onto that thought now is praying for them. I try to reveil my heart to them which contains Jesus and his amazing love.
I cannot contain God in my mind like i tried before. In His eternal wisdom and faithfulness I am contained and thought out. I am as I am to love God and others first. I got to punch in so i got to run.
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