Dear Prayer Warriors,
February 3rd, we are less than a week away from Simon’s birthday. Sentimentality is at an all-time high. I thank God for how He has ushered in this coming week so far with His careful handling of my feelings. Like a conductor of a large orchestra is the Holy Spirit to my many emotions right now.
We attended a night of prayer and praise at our church this past week. We were asked to “pray with those around you”, Lindsey and I split up. I found three intriguing high school aged boys at this meeting. I asked them to pray for me about the coming week, I was in tears explaining my loss and the nerves of the approaching birthday. I told them that God had equipped us to walk this far and so I know that with prayer and dependance on Him, amid our weakness, that Jesus would be our strength as we remain in the pathway of His blessing. They nodded, agreed, and prayed. The shortest one prayed in a trembling voice “Wow God you did it again, making connection only you can make, My birthday is on February 3rd too.” As I returned to Lindsey after prayer, that young man came into my row and asked if he could give me a hug. In that embrace, the Lord gave me the sense memory of hugging Simon, this young man was similar in height landing his head in my lower ribcage. It was such a loving heart-felt gesture from God through this young man. He is right, only God could draw meaning in such a moment for this teenager and myself. I will be thanking God for this young man on Simon’s birthday. Oh and also our newly sponsored Compassion child in Rwanda named Fred, He shares Simon’s actual birthdate turning 7.
Lindsey has been blessing the local foster care program with new clothes and boots. She finds much humility and healing in buying clothes that would likely fit Simon and donating them. Praise God for the generosity others showed us in our loss that we could buy for those that have next to nothing and be ministered to at the same time.
There are other sentimental notes my Maestro has been playing on my heart none of it is in anguish, bitterness, or pain. It has been sweet to remember Simon’s life in this way leading up to his birthday. I imagine, in the years to come, the sentimentality will be reduced. None of it is wasted. Please if you see us, don’t ignore the elephant in the room: ask about how we are doing since losing Simon knowing that his birthday is here. Ask what has been encouraging us lately. We find it hard when people we love don’t want to talk about it. I look for God’s immovable comfort amid sentimentality because the world offers Ikea quality comfort. “As long as we remember him, he is still alive.” Another we hear is “he is with you, every time you see a dragonfly (or whatever) that is him.” I don’t find comfort in those things. I don’t wish to be reliving the life God has already made me live. I want to remain thankful and full of praise for the road He has me on. God be praised for making those who endure sorrow experience His goodness if we let Him direct our understanding.
It’s not who Simon was that I wish to remember on His birthday as much as it is what God did through him. How God carved, molded and shaped him. How Jesus wooed Simon’s heart at such a young age. Moreover, how did God use Simon to build me up into Christlikeness? My life was so good with Simon in it. He was our milestone boy, all the things we hoped to see in Anna we saw with Simon. What a balm of hope and healing Simon was to the unnatural daily hardships of being Anna’s parents. Simon is part of my story, not my identity. I’m a bit more emotional about it now this week. Praise the Lord that His Holy Spirit indwelling me bridles those feelings and thoughts. I want to share with you committed prayer warriors something that I printed out and have hanging above my desk at work. I frequently check it. It was authored by a person who has suffered similarly and I share it with permission replacing his son's name with mine in the hopes of directing prayers this week for us. He calls it his Manifesto.
“By faith I will accept Simon’s death as God’s will, and by faith accept that God’s will is always good. By faith I will be at peace with Providence, and by faith at peace with its every decree. By faith I will praise God in the taking as I did in the giving, and by faith receive from his hand this sorrow as I have so many joys. I will grieve but not grumble, mourn but not murmur, weep but not whine
Though I will be scarred by Simon’s death, I will not be defined by it. Though it will always be part of my story, it will never become my identity. I will be forever thankful that God gave me children and never resentful that he called him home. My joy in having loved Simon will be greater than my grief in having lost him. I will not waver in my faith, nor abandon my hope, nor revoke my love. I will not charge God with wrong.
I will receive this trial as a responsibility to steward, not a punishment to endure. I will look for God’s smile in it rather than his frown, listen for his words of blessing rather than his voice of rebuke. This sorrow will not make me angry or bitter, nor cause me to act out in rebellion or indignation. Rather, it will make me kinder and gentler, more patient and loving, more compassionate and sympathetic. It will loose my heart from the things of earth and fix it on the things of heaven. The loss of my son will make me more like God’s Son, my sorrow like the Man of Sorrows.
I will continue to love God and trust him, continue to pursue God and enjoy him, continue to worship God and boast of his many mercies. I will look with longing to the day of Christ’s return and with expectation to the day of resurrection. I will remain steadfast and immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord. I will forget what lies behind and strain forward to what lies ahead, always pressing on toward the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. I will lay aside every weight and sin that clings so closely and run with endurance the race that is set before me, looking always to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of my faith. I will remain faithful until I have fought the good fight and finished the race and kept the faith. I will die as I have lived—a follower of Jesus Christ. Then, by grace, I will go to be with Jesus, and go to be with Simon.”
This ministers deeply and helps me aim for the glory of God. In faith with grace I can say like Job: “ But he (God) knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.” Job 23:10
Please pray for:
-Anna to return to a baseline. Its been a long winter with something out of normal with her care or routines for the last 3 months. Pray for respiratory strength, digestive health and a immune system that don’t quit.
-Lindsey’s solitude retreat. To be a tipping point toward a season of blessing and purpose driven living. She desired to celebrate her birthday with some quiet contemplative time and I am happy to accommodate this with Grandma Sandy’s help.
-Like Elisha asked at Elijah’s home going: for our children to receive a double portion of Simon’s spirit for Christ. His care for others, his helpfulness, his love for God’s Word, his intellect, his creativity and his love.
Nic for the Currats
