Redeeming Grief

 Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

It's been a blessing to camp out in the book of Ruth. Much like camping, I freed up my schedule and took my time reading. Similar to the beauty in nature, God's beautiful Words made Himself a place of refuge again for me nourishing me. I'm sure I will reread those four chapters again soon because it speaks well to me in my grief. I recommend, if you are not familiar with the book of Ruth in the Bible to read it before reading the rest of this email. 

 

It's no shocker that I have been paying attention to mourning in the Bible, looking at passages of grief and lament more closely. The account of Naomi is probably one of the most stand-out and comforting passages I have come across. 

 

Like Job, Naomi's loss was far greater than mine. Job took a high road in his lamenting, always eager to hear from God to bring purpose to his suffering. However, it is in Naomi that I see a more "real", fleshly, human road through sorrow. Naomi seemed to lack the expectation that God is pursuing her, or purposing her suffering. She had the clear feeling of being let down by God, expecting misery to be her company the rest of her days. She even goes so far as to assume she is cursed. Naomi went away from the Promised Land with her family of four. She returned empty with a foreigner, wanting to be called Mara instead which means "bitter". She even told Ruth, “My life is too bitter to share." also despairing: "the Almighty has afflicted me." Naomi spends great effort pushing people away, during her grief and no doubt she sees her life as over. 

 

Naomi, like many mourners, has grossly underestimated God's grace. Her bitterness was a lens preventing her from seeing hope and redemption. Thankfully God encircled Naomi with her daughter-in-law Ruth. Who also suffered loss but wanted to be loyal and present for Naomi as she moved back to Bethlehem. Amazingly Ruth grasps onto Naomi, giving of herself. Ruth listened, followed Naomi’s instruction and endured in a foreign land. She had nothing to gain except caring for Naomi, what an example of love.  

 

As I read onward, I was blessed to think of this as a simile. My family is like Naomi, our church family and family have been like Ruth. Ruth was not going anywhere, she brought the food, remained loyal, and gave kind words. God used Ruth to lift up Naomi's head again and again. God used Ruth as a means for love, comfort and provision for Naomi's practical needs. But Ruth could only do so much. 

 

As the short book unfolds, Boaz is like Jesus. This is the landowner who ate with his hired hands, ensured Ruth’s safety as she picked in his field and made good on his words. He cared that the poor should eat. He knew about Ruth and was struck by how kind and loving Ruth was to Naomi.

 

Ruth returns from gleaning grain in Boaz's field. But it's Naomi who comes alive in remembering God's best for His people. It's Naomi who realizes that Boaz is eligible to be her family’s kinsman-redeemer. She arranges that Ruth would be put in the pathway of that blessing. In further parallel to Christ, Boaz obeys the Israelite law, fulfills it in regards to redeeming the land and the family. Doing exactly what he said he would do. Boaz is the promise keeper and redeemer of Elimelech’s family (Naomi’s deceased husband). 

 

This story ends with Naomi living up to her name which means “pleasant”. She is seen holding and caring for her grandchild through the union of Boaz and Ruth. God did it! She never imagined having, holding and loving a grandchild. That’s grace to her from God.

 

 Phew what a picture of restoration for a grieving person to hold onto. Naomi knew what Boaz could do, likewise we must know what Jesus alone is qualified to do, and ask Him to do it for us, namely the forgiveness of our sins and reconciliation with the Father. For those walking in similar shoes, dealing with loss. I can testify that it is our church family and family acting like Ruth that has ministered God’s grace to us. Allow Jesus to be Jesus, the church to be the church, your pastor to shepherd you, and the fellow believers to minister via the fruit of the Spirit.

 

Please pray:

- that Christ, like Boaz, would restore life and lavish grace on our family.

-for our night of worship at our house tonight (Oct 31^st ) . To redeem the time with the “Ruths” God has given us. These families were mere acquaintances before the death of Simon and now they have been serving us and sacrificing themselves for us for months now. We have a little activity to honor the memory of Simon, that should be sweet.

-for Wednesday as we meet with a Christian family grief counselor to gain wisdom and guidance about raising Renee.

 

A Poem:

 I feel that Jesus is working on my heart with the balm of Scripture.

I see the foundation of Christ holding our marriage through sorrow. 

I hear whispers of the Holy Spirit speaking to Renee over her feelings. 

I smell the pleasing aroma of sacrifice the saints make to support our family.

I taste heaven and eternity right off of the cooling rack of death.

 

Thanks for Praying and being a Ruth to us,

 

Nic, Lindsey, Anna, Renee, Victor

Knowing Jesus and Feeling Heavy of Heart

Prayer Warriors,

We dearly miss Simon’s lead and example at bedtime. Renee followed Simon and loved his little bedtime rituals more than I did. They ran around in pajamas, eating a bunch of raw veggies and fruit because dinner didn’t “taste good”, they often helped our nurse in doing Anna’s care plan, and if they were wound-up just right they’d jump on the couch too. Bedtime now recalls only an impression of those things that once were so common.  My hope is that the Lord will fill Renee with new bedtime rituals that she will impart to Victor as effectively as Simon did with his.

At bedtime Renee has a list of excuses to not settle down. If daddy is putting her down, she asks for Mommy and vice versa. The next trick is the cup of water, then the need to pee. After comes story time, it’s impossible to skip story time!  Renee asks for the same story reread three times as she clutches onto her blanket tighter than before. Then onto another book reread three times. Her mind races as her limbs are restless beneath a weighted blanket. As I turn off the light, she continues to move incessantly while chewing on her blanket. She remains inappropriately loud with ideas; Renee talks about things make-believe, like her purple house and her kids. Every so often she will even find a creative reason for me to turn on the light again.

I have learned that once Renee insists and I deny her, no matter the consequence she will proceed to insist, she doesn’t relent. What’s new is reaching a melt-down point. She loses control of her feelings due to being so fixated on her desire. Then Renee will act out in screaming and flailing around, taking 10-15 minutes for her to calm down. I feel I am bending over backwards to help her to fall asleep. When Renee finally does flip that switch into dreamland it is sudden and the teeth grinding is soon to follow. She sleeps well once asleep but bedtime remains an emotional tempest.  

Pray for wisdom, speak up if you know firsthand how to help shepherd a child through loss or PTSD.  I feel like we should not lighten up the discipline, however Lindsey helps me see what non-verbal, post-trauma grief can be as experienced by a 3-year-old. Lindsey challenges me to see these patterns and to forebear them rather than discipline my way through them. It irks me especially when I am so tired as well and the bedtime routine turns into a two-hour ordeal.  

It is the Lord, through this hardship with Renee, that has shown me that the death of a loved one is a heart battle. Renee creates her own bedtime scenario with her heart, utilizing only the words and behaviors she feels. I instruct her often to “make good choices” or “don’t lead with your feelings.” Only to ask myself if I abide by that advice in my grief.  Losing beloved Simon caused my heart to break. How can I guard my heart and keep it tender before Yahweh? I am convinced that Satan loves how death and mourning are taboo subjects, prone to isolate the bereaved.  I see some people that loved Simon wading in loss as it gives way to despair; at best, they are doggie paddling through heartbreak. They avoid checking in with us, struggling alone, band-aided by “could have’s”, “should have’s”, “would have’s”; perhaps a dysfunctional type of idol is being hoisted up from within, bitter, stiff-hearted with no consolation.

Relational Jesus, my kind, good, Shepherd King, the victor over death, offers me swimming lessons to move effectively through the tides of cold heartbreak; As I read His Word, He’s teaching me strokes to straighten my swim in the sorrow, bringing a ministry of healing into my heart.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

 

Looking around I see it’s not just in death that my heart wants to lead but in many matters. I hear my heart demanding things get done in my timeframe, not God’s. Before conversion, I wired myself to let my heart lead my decisions, observations, and mood, I messed things up. My actions become wildly hard to handle with thoughts departing from truth and self-centeredness in the driver’s seat. My senses were kings to be obeyed. As an artist back in the day that type of heart leading was my go-to.

 

I don’t think God is asking me to ignore what my heart feels either. My heart is a big part of this journey. When a prayer warrior replies it often brings me joy and encouragement. My heart and mind are open to the counsel of people who have walked with Jesus through similar suffering, or walked with Him longer than me. I feel equipped by the many books that wisely contribute stories of walking in the valley of the shadow of death with eyes fixed on the Lord. My heart is in full swing when I show care and concern for what my bride expresses and desires. I resonate fully, with a warm heart when she tells me: “I wasn’t done loving him.” In faith I ask, let it be said of me like it was said of Asa:

“Asa’s heart was fully committed to the Lord all his life.” 2 Chronicles 15:17

I want Jesus more than I want my son back. In Him I get both!! This love and faith I have placed in Jesus, His living in me, and promises that He supplies in the Bible that fill my mind with words and actions amid the loss of Simon. It’s tempting to let my heart led then I will look more like Renee at bedtime, losing control of my feelings due to being so fixated on my desire. Instead I’m hopeful in Christ.

Praise the Lord for:

-Our new night nurse who just finished her first week of work with us. This is answered prayer at its finest, Alleluia. We went just one week without a nurse (the last time we needed one it took 9 months).

-Continued strengthening of Anna post op. We have her follow-up with the surgeon a week from Monday. Things are on the mend.

-Victor keeping us on the edge of our seats as we try and spot his first steps, he is on the cusp!

-Genuine, ongoing check-ins with brothers and sisters in Christ who were acquaintances and are now key players in encouraging us regularly.

 

Please Pray for:

-Wisdom and grace for guiding Renee. That her belief in the Lord would guide her attitude and feelings.

-Rest at night and refreshing for the road ahead for each of us.

-Mercy, love, and guidance as we map out the holidays and offer our plans up to God.

-Marital unity as we seek what the Lord has prepared for us. 

-Guidance regarding Anna's schooling and care as we are back to square one after trying different things. 

-God to strengthen us in seeking His joy

With Love,

Nic

Grief on the go, Comfort Ye, Helping Anna, and Sprouting Goodness

Dear Prayer Warriors, 

 Grief on the Go

God instructs us (His children) to mourn with those who mourn. Thank you for those who mourn with me and my family. My mourning becomes more and more impacted by our day-to-day needs and plans. I have less time to be still by Simon’s headstone. Less time to contemplate "what are you teaching me Lord?" Less time to rest with work in full swing. But there remains much to experience in our loss of Simon and I am up for it because the Lord has seen it as good for me to endure this, and He is faithful to equip me because I have way more than I can handle right now. The memory of Simon seeps into the cracks of my days unplanned, whereas before I made room, anticipated the lamenting, the remembering, and drawing on Jesus for strength. It’s similar to the onset of light-headedness, something quickly makes me think of him, I stop what I’m doing, breathe, hold onto something and remember my lovely Simon. Even as I straighten up the arts and craft aisle at work, I welcome the memory of him and all the associations that bring him to mind. Then I thank God for Simon and how much he enjoyed making crafts and art. Lastly, the moment ends with me wondering how he would have painted this plaster T-Rex I put back in its place. It’s not a nightmare to remember Simon’s precious presence. It’s a blessing I thank God for.

 

I have grown in praise of the Lord my Shepherd who shepherded me through the trauma of Simon’s death and funeral with a steadfast faith, what grace! Amid trauma there is desperation to experience the nearness of God. I know I have been led by the Holy Spirit in this valley, He met me in my desperation and transformed that desperate longing into assurance of His Lordship over all of this.

 

Comfort Ye

Prayer warriors are near the top of fellow mourners. The Beatitudes promise that God comforts those who mourn. Therefore, I hope God uses these entries and ongoing prayer requests as comfort to those who mourn with us. Not to puff me up, but to showcase Jesus Christ as Lord over my precious family, the giver of everlasting hope, the God of all comfort. My 5 year plan now includes this verse:

 

 ^“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-7

 

Helping Anna

“In the 39^th year of his reign Asa was afflicted with a disease in his feet. Though his disease was severe, even in his illness he did not seek the help from the Lord, but only from the physicians.” (2 chronicles 16:12).  This verse was a comfort to me amid Anna’s surgery this week. I am humbled to think of all the prayer that has gone into Anna and in treating her disabilities through the years. We’ve always called upon our Father before any of her physicians. There are far more prayer warriors than physicians on Anna’s case! Even so, I confess, this time around it was particularly tempting for me to not ask for prayer. The surgery was scheduled as "outpatient", I already asked for prayer ten days ago when she got that oral surgery, and I don’t want to exacerbate people of prayer with “minor” things given our journey through mourning. This verse reminds me to seek Him no matter how small I perceive Anna’s need.

 

It's hard to be with Anna on surgery days, she doesn’t hide her feelings. On arrival she is adorned with her twinkling blue eyes, smiling cheeks filled with joy, always showing the best of her ability to everyone. Her excitement cannot be appeased from all the attention she is getting. Then post surgery, she wakes with a heavy look unsure of crying or going back to sleep. Our two hour return home went smoothly. Now 48 hours out, she continues to improve, showing signs of her personality resurfacing. She is on scheduled Oxy, Advil, and Tylenol. After 3 days we will ween off of the Oxy.

 

Another challenge we didn’t see coming is that our night nurse for more than a year needed to change assignments to dayside immediately. Upon hearing the news, I just started singing Great is Thy Faithfulness and said to myself God’s got this, He sees us! Nurse Daddy in da house. I requested 3 days off of work to care for Anna during the night as she needs meds every 3 hours. I’m blessed to squeak in a little prayer update as I watch my precious daughter sleep on a monitor. Please pray for the upcoming days and nights as I start work again on Monday, and remain on night duty until the Home Health Care Company can provide another nurse for our case.

Goodness Sprouting

-Guys, let's praise God! A couple of families reached out to us and are hopeful to help with our Tuesday night date night request. We may not get to weekly right away, but praise the Lord, I am super encouraged to be backed by such care and concern.

-I witness the good sprouting up from God using us for His purpose. One of my pastors came up to me eagerly the other day and said he officiated a funeral for a person who was buried next to Simon. My pastor said that he was able to share Simon’s story with a bereaved boy who was there for burial. The boy was reading Simon’s headstone and realizing how young Simon was. I asked my pastor if he told him how much Simon loved and trusted Jesus. He said with a huge smile “Yes and that Simon is with Jesus forever.”

 

Please pray for:

-Another full time night nurse of God’s choosing who loves Anna like this last one did.

-Anna’s continued recovery that her wounds heal miraculously well.

-marital unity and communication, time for sharing our hearts and time to pray together.

-our family to be a comfort in the Lord to others one day as we have received such comfort.

-more singing unto the Lord in our home.

To God be the Glory,

 

Nic