Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Snow at Christmas and other glees

A must-must for any holiday musicaholic: Sufjan Steven's "Songs for Christmas" box set. Year in and year out he's made christmas albums for his friends and family. Originals mixed with classics but with banjo or a fresh rendering. So once Sufjan got an audience that bought his records in large quantities, he unleashed a four disc set of his christmas songs that were previously for his nearest and dearest. I've been listening to them all morning, he's got a song about the animals in the stable Jesus was born in and how they felt. There's a song called "come on and do the elf dance." which is an original to the beat of a classic carol. He's got some amazing xylaphone intrumentals including one for "Hark the herold angels sing". Enough about Suf... Peep it out.

"And wonders, wonders of His love." That is one of the many caroling lyrics that I sing in tears of joy now that I'm freed. I cry willingly for the mercy Jesus has gifted to me. In Christ, I live with more honest emotions (not decieved by moods). Before I was too caught up in being hard, hiding how I felt because it was a sign of weakness. In the last days that I faced darkness I even felt plagued by hopelessness. Now I seek the honesty of my feelings and admire things like gentleness and sincerity.

I'm talking snow out in Denver: twice the amount as predicted last night. My world is covered in white. As this flakey blanket covers the earth all around me. I'm reminded of Romans 8:1-2. Believers are set free from the laws of sin and death through Christ Jesus into a snow like state: individual in salvation yet clumped together by the Body of Christ. Once forgiven and loved by Jesus, comes the qualities of God's white light. It's beauty to behold.

Today Christ is born. He brought the whiteness and light to earth which God the Father is discribed as being. Second, Jesus knew full well the role of His red blood of forgiveness. This was to be His work and attribute. Since Jesus is part of the Alpha and Omega crew it blows my mind that he willingly came down to serve, be humble and cry like a baby (I suppose). Exemplify the standard God calls us all to be by not sinning. Christ instead relyed on God to get through the days of His life. On the cross Jesus redeemed all sons of Adam from sin, Satan and evil.

God cannot lie to us that Jesus came to be in Bethlahem. It is because of purity that Jesus did not sin. It is because of love that He gave His life. Jesus ressurrected to prove He is Lord and not a liar. I owe Jesus everything I can and will ever do. He chose to show me the whiteness of God's mercy and grace. So I find it a joyful blessing to celebrate His birthday with some fresh snow on the ground.

They say "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." I think its more that like: beauty is in the eye of God (as He is the beholder of everything). So in becoming more Christ-like, my eye for beauty becomes whiter and brighter as the temptation, sin and the world slowly fades. I'm actually generating God's will in me through grace. Last night my Pastor spoke on Simeon the servant of God that was promised to see the Savior of the world before he died. One of the verses was how Simeon was waiting for the Lord. He was waiting... -not going about his own life preoccupied, rather just waiting on the Lord. The Pastor paralleled that to an experiment by an newspaper where they got the best violinist in the world on the best violin in the world to play in jeans in a subway station to see what would become of this. My Pastor asked us if we allow ourselves to wait on God, to be awaire and notice God working outside of ourselves: amongst co-workers, organizations, chruches, prayer and in the subway stations. Do we have faith in Christ's body alive and well on earth? Are we keen to this fact of unification? Do we seek it out and trust it?

I spent the remainder of the service in silent observation trying to notice God's working in my church. I looked around to the many people I know now as opposed to a year ago. As I sunk into waiting on God: I wept joyfully out of the beauty. Seeing people willingly coming together to worship and hope in Jesus. I could see that God was really at work here in our church, outside of me, surrounding me. I had seen darkness of such an intensity -but never a light so bright. It was awe inspiring and I thanked God for the white gift of Christmas: His Son.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

The Flute and Dirge Top Ten list

Well gang its that time of the year. Where all your affection and bias for certain films, records, and books are measured by critics. Thankfully they have researched the January through March media because I have a hard time remembering the few gems those early '07 months offered. No matter the delight, the Bee Movie it didn't make the top ten cut. Perhaps the critics all got stung too much growing up. Likewise, I haven't spotted David Crowder's The Remedy on any top ten list (except maybe a Christian one). Yet its one of my favorites for the year. Does that mean I listen to bad music or like bad movies?

Why is it that people still want to know the critic's favorites? Does this indicate that we are to hinge our own opinions on what is concluded by critics. Ever notice that about 60% of the selected media are repeated endlessly in other top tens just in different rankings. To me, Top Ten lists are like peer pressure from uncool/nerdy strangers. Make no mistake: a critic is, at their root, an audience member. The conforming standard Top Ten list draw us away from the content of our own hearts and its calling to be Christlike.

I think Pharisees remind me of your average critic. Policing the Godliness according to the precepts set fourth. In reading Matthew 11: 16-19; I find Jesus seemingly frustrated towards the audience he preaches to for two reasons. 1) His message was delivered in miracles and metaphors almost hitting them over the head. Yet the audience doubted what was seen and heard because the critics mentioned the fact that Jesus was chillin' with (notorious) sinners, drinking and eating. 2) When the counter example was offered, John the Baptist proclaiming the good news of the Messiah's arrival while fasting and baptizing. The audience felt he had a demon inside because he wouldn't eat or drink. So when Jesus says "We played the flute for you, and you did not dance; We sang a dirge, and you did not mourn." I think that relates to the masses of people who heard about the Gospel but didn't react to it (then and now). Staying sealed to Christ means that no matter the chatter of crowd, critic or clown I will experience God by dancing to His flute and mourn when I hear his dirge.

Here's my flute and dirge top ten list. This being the media I experienced this year that has blessed my relationship with Jesus Christ, fed me with a Gospel message and helped the Holy Spirit to sanctify my innards. All critic-free pieces of art that brought chills, laughter and tears. Reminding me of a small taste of God's love for me and the freedom in trusting Jesus. By sharing this list with others, it is me dancing to God's flute and answering to a dirge as best I can. Here is my critical evaluation of the media that helped me grow to know Christ this year:

1, The Bible (Book)
2, The Second Chance (DVD)
3, David Crowder -The Remedy (CD)
4, Jesus Freaks Vol. 1 and 2 (Books)
5, D2S G.O.S.P.E.L. Journey (DVD)
6, Amazing Grace (DVD)
7, Stephen the Levite -To Die is to Gain (CD)
8, Half-Handed Cloud -Halos and Lassos (CD)
9, Danielson: a family movie (DVD)
10, Facing the Giants (DVD)

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Feeling the care in charismatic

My brother took me to a modestly charismatic service at the sister church of the one he goes to out in Chicago. It was out in Aurora near Colfax with about fifteen people as the total congregation. I was open to the experiance because my brother took me and warmed me up to what it might be like.

Early on I had a quick decision to make: The preacher was kicking things off melodramatically (in impression), Should I resist and evaluate the differences or try to paise God unified to this congregation? Although no loud vocal expressions came from me, I was moved to tears for the majority of the service. The praise songs were formatted so differently. We sang amazing grace but only the first verse like eight times, then every once in a while they'd sing the (400 years post) Chris Tomlin verse/refrain "my chains are gone..." Intermittant with prayer.

The sermon was a doosie about this passage in Revelations about the seven lampstands that represent the churches Jesus walks among in the end times. In Rev 2:4 Christ tells them that their first love is gone. The pastor broke down how these churches stood upright in the laws about how things are in the new covenant with God. But Jesus is asking what happened to the love we shared: the repentant heart. Meaning that good deeds and faith was still evident, but the love that saved us from our wretchedness and how we used to cling to Jesus has been traded for "crusty good deeds". Return to the love, the love affair shared with Jesus paired with our repentant heart. I like the visual of that love being the tarzan vine we use to jump across the trench of Adamness into righteousness as a child of God.

So after that message, we prayed and as the pastor started out loud others joined, I stayed focused on what the pastor was saying. He talked about how he used to stay wide awake in his bed curled up around the Bible for hours. He ask for a return to that. Or how he used to soak in prayer with the Holy Spirit while his life was drowning in temptation. He wants that resolute drive to Christ renewed. He pleaded for his return to that state of relying on God...

It was then that I revisited my memories of the day I got saved and what that felt like: How mind-resting it felt, my heart felt calm for the first time and who I was became sufficient. I recalled how Jesus' yoke has changed all of me and that i still willingly carry that yoke. I dissected all those nifty baby steps to growing for God's workmanship and will. I dwelled on memories of how God turned things around to apropriate blessings rather that pile on problems.

So when the chruch service turned into a campy christmas segment complete with footage from the movie the Nativity Story, I viewed with eyes of a child, I was captivated by the wonderous faces of the wise men upon seeing the Messiah. Even the montage of Christs' life struck me. The mounting of Jesus on the cross made me clinch my palms as His opened with the saving blood.

The service ended with a song being repeated many times. Still it provoked me to wonder about how much more I could be loving Jesus. The aftereffects of the service included me feeling wiped out, ready to lay in bed awake and be in the Bible for hours. Alone with the most perfect form of love I will ever know: Jesus Christ. I think He puts the care in charismatic. My time of praying isn't soft spoken anymore; its is spoke out proudly, urgently and sincerely.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Rights to write right

God through His infinite avenues of reaching me; has asked me to use words again. Its not a minor like: "Nic, dude can you write a little something, I dig your tidbits. Or Granny needs the monthly scoop." Its more like the encouraging approval I got from my mom when I wrote an essay on mountain climbing in the fifth or sixth grade. She was floored at the detail, the emotion, the overall feeling it gave her. "Wow you have a tallent and gift for writing." At the time I didn't know what that meant. But i figure I should keep on doing it, -pleasing mom was my part time job back then (now its full time). She probably doesn't even remember that moment, but that really persuaded me to keep on writing and that continued (stop n' go) until I got my degree in Liberal Arts for writing.

It was a merited degree, there was a long journey taken to get my BA. My mind was super anayltical, inventive, informed, and funny. I lived in my head so much as a writer that I didn't notice each thought become as a brick, one by one being stacked by a demonic mason separating me from the earth, family, God and a girlfriend. Once tested, my theory and writings got washed away because of their foundations.

Now I delight in thinking and writing about what is. My life is adorned with self-control so the Holy Spirit can teach me away from sin. Being a writer is a lot like believeing in Jesus Christ; in that it requires the person to be committed 24-7 in order to bear fruit. As I hear God asking me to remove the blame I placed on writing, I notice how much as changed. Its scary because an author is suppose to have a recognizable diction, tone, and point of view. For once and for all: find your voice and go with it (the sooner the better).

Well my voice has been mute for four years and horribly endeavoring in darkness before that. Come to find, with Christ in my heart its like my "voice" is going through puberty all over again. So aside from my finding a cyber world to revive writing daily. I've been asked to explore the possibility of writing a little blurb to encourage and convict my church family in the bulletin each Sunday. This is just an idea that the my Pastor wanted to try out, so it could be shelved and never happen. Nonetheless I want to share the entries here since my only aim is to give glory to God. Its amazing that Lord could use the tallents given to me! God willing, I might not work retail security till retirement.

I have an entry called "Excuses, excuses, excuses -no more" dated October 8th. Where I confidently outline this call to tell the A-Z of my redemption by Jesus in script format. Well that fire is still lit within me for a three month project I just haven't started since that e-mail and to think it would almost be done right now. Yet God willed a fixer-upper condo (blessing) and no software (hurdle) to keep me away from this project. It seems the title of that blog entry is a total lie. I just know that God will use me so I should just pray about it for now.

Here is my first attempt at writing something for my church family as a bulletin insert:

Use This Church

Red Rocks Fellowship has been a base rock in my spiritual foundation after the corner stone. I think that once Jesus' redeeming work was willed/invited in me, healing began to snowball. The slope my snowball was on got steep once I walked through these doors.

Willingly saying yes to things was new to me. This church constantly inquired: "hey want to do this? or be a part of that? or, please pray for so and so?" It would slightly infringe into my pre-established life (schedule changing at work, my cursing time, etc...) -but I felt this was Christ beaconing me to the work he's prepared for me. It would not have been a big deal if I said "no." Anyone else could have done what this church asked of me. But I willingly said "yes" just to see what would happen. I think being broke as a joke helped me feel that sharing time is a temporary replacement to tithing.

I came and gave. "Serving Christ at the foot of His mountains..." Even softball was me saying yes to the Lord where usually it would have been a big fat "no." Other times it was just a matter of waking up early and cutting down trees; Singing in the choir; Ref Nic; Spending vacation on a mission trip. All this convinced me that God is baiting my life. He's seducing my activities to conform to His Son and glorify Him.

With time, God's grace will blanket and heal brokenness. My emotions of being overwhelmed depressively or acting out in a manic Bi-Polar fit. Has been placed and re-placed at Jesus' feet. I know that this will be redeemed by the Holy Spirit because faith is deeper than all emotions and that is a fact that the Devil didn't want me to know. As that healing transfuses in me (Lord willing), I'll be busy with Awana, Bible studies and prayer -(and my meds).

There is an experience of wonder at the unfolding of the life God sees in all His children. Its within us eager to be tapped into. I realized through RRF that serving is best thing to grow in a faithful life to God. Also that Evangelism is one of the hardest, just ask the Dare 2 Share Conference kids. I serve Jesus with my heart, my time and my money. All of which is the Lord's.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

The Adjective Detective's Findings

Life outside of myself has helped my mind grow: in giving, thinking of others, and prayer. But no matter, head games still rage. When ever the tune of self-hate or the conciousness of Satan's expired thoughts cloud my mind I rebuke them in the name of Christ and am moved to silence.

With the nurishing of God's grace, futher separation from failed thought is possible. So aside from the Bible I'm constantly scanning left and right, up and down, near and far for the will of God. I bait my conversations with words generally intune with adjectives/words Jesus used like: "blessed", "faithful", "encouraging", "hope", and "sacrafice". All this to test conversations, to check the status for proceeding in an evangelistic tone, fellowship tone, loving tone, or informative tone.

Here would be an informative example, my brother and I were at the Home Depot shopping for ceiling fans and the guy at the checkout line in front of us overhears our French. He emphasizes how great it must be to know two languages. And hap hazardly I throw out: "yeah its a blessing, A great blessing." There was an awkward pause... The stranger continued by telling us how lucky we were to have a mother willing to teach us French. He knows immigrants that don't teach their kids their native tougne and that frustrated him. After we endured some dirty jokes about the French we said our goodbyes.

The evangelism example I can think of comes for this conversation I had with a shy, 18 year old that just moved to Colorado. I had been very managerial to him about the shortcoming of his work ethics and how that affects our team as a whole. What's worse, my boss had just sent him an e-mail about this. So in regards to the e-mail I said something like "I'm encouraging you to see this as a chance to show determination to do better. Your reaction is everything, so please respond to it positively." My guy was breaking down after, about how no matter the effort and progress, constant funk be keepin' him down. He shared with me the darkness of his past, family and friends that dump crap on him and how downward spiraling it all feels. And that he only has basketball, that's all he's ever had.

That was my in!! So I said "that's a small court to place every problem out on. What happens when it stops working, or you get hurt." Then, just as the thought poped into his head (I could tell), he said "I'll always have God." I continued to ask him about his God. It turns out that two and a half months ago, he gave his life to Christ in a parking garage because he ran away with nothing and nowhere to go. Alone, broke and without hope: he asked Jesus into his heart. His miracle came that night when he checked his messages and his brother was calling him home. He then quoted me his favorite Bible verse. Amazing.

This was my closest encounter to a newly born again person. I prayed for the presence of the Holy Spirit and that just the right words would come and build him up. Being a decade apart in age made it hard, being his boss made it worse, and most of all: it seemed like outwardly there hasn't been much sign of salvation. Its not that I doubted him, its just his associations and actions don't yeild a sanctuary for the Holy Spirit (based on what I've come to know as a dwelling place for the Spirit). So I asked him about church, he didn't have one. I asked about reading the Bible, not that often. I asked him about praying and he said lots. When I see him he is very eager to tell me how blessed he is. He just loves that concept. It rings really true to him. Me too by the way, amazing to have a life where blame is traded for blessings.

I've been praying for him so very much, thanking God for his presence in my life. I am praying about him being open to an hour of discipleship with me one on one in the Word. I knew what it was like to feel alone as a new believer. As a total surprise, today at work he asked me how my Sunday was going. And I told him all about my chruch's awesomely imperfect christmas pagent (super cute), the new associate pastor that we inducted and the church pot luck to celebrate. Then as an after thought, I told him I was bookending my work with my young adult group. I said: "it keeps me fed." His interest peaked. So I told him all about it, lo and behold. He asked me if he could come. Gee, why didn't I think of that!! So we went, he had a really positive response to going. So he definately wants to keep going.

I can't wait to see what God will do with his steady heart as it positions itself in the light of Jesus.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Testing out my testamony

In the early stages of the testamony I prepaired for my church back in April, My brother said: "I know you can write, but I can promise you there is no greater story you can tell, than how Jesus saved you." My redemption was big indeed but that wasn't what he ment. He was pointing to the fact that every believer's best story is of their redemption/continuation of such: their testamony.

We got this not-so-new-hire at my job and there's lots to discribe him by. First of all he's funny and stylish: LA fully. Every other week come pay day, he's got two his baby's mamma at our store asking him to pay-up. He does, and the ladies count the money right infront of him to embarrass, what's crazy every once in a while its short just a measly ten or twenty bucks. These ladies got him in a head lock. His current girlfriend is expecting a child and they are not getting along. Its my business to tell him about Jesus, and its none of my business to shame him: I mean only to illustrate a long standing looming sadness.

I remember like a month ago when he heard that I was a believer in Christ, he asked me if I was for real. If I was hollerin' or followin'. I said "most definately followin'." He wanted to see if I knew the Bible, Keep in mind I'm still a rather new believer, (Just past my first year!). After a lightning fast prayer request for the Holy Spirit to be present, I plugged away about who Matthew was, who his gospel audience was intended for. Then I listed off my favorite verses about three or four of them. Then came me asking my co-worker about Jesus as sacrificial Lamb and if he knew it to be truth. He gave me a surprised look, it was subtle. After that moment, I left the office, praised God for the sharing and I prayed for the soul of my co-worker: that the Holy Spirit may bring him to Christ.

Fast forward to last week and my coworker reveils to me that all of his family members are believers out in Cali. So that dynamic instantly reveiled such strain, pain and bitterness inside him. He explained how their hope for him to be saved was more like and unfulfilled expectation in his mind eating at him. I told him not to live in his mind, that I had a similar struggle with my brother when he became a believer seven years before me. And he wanted me to believe so very badly, but I just loved my sin back then. Right then I just felt like telling my testamony. -The Holy Spirit inspired abridged version. About addiction (to cigarettes, weed, liquor, gambling, sex), mental hospitals, demonic possesions, hyper-religiousity, depression, disparity, and one stolen car to serve as the catylist for Jesus Christ to accept my first prayer in ten years. I confessed total and utter failure, I hoped God would heal me as I placed my faith in Jesus and I also prayed for quitting my own will power. The only Bible verse I remembered Matt 11:29-30. It was a choppy prayer, but full of remorse and humility asking for forgiveness. And ever since, God's will convicting me has been a year of immense change and gratitude.

My co-worker was struck, amazed at who I am today verses a year ago. He could not even tell that I had a past even remotely like that. Which surprised me because though the addictions are gone, the scantification of my words certainly isn't complete and its most apparent at work. My co-worker continued to let down his guard enough to share with me that his sister calls him every week and asks him if he's reading the Bible, staying in the word or praying. And every week he tells her the truth "no" and he's not proud of that. He came to a teary point when he looked at me and said: "I just don't get it... No matter where I go there's always someone in my life to preach the Word to me." I told him I was honored to be that person. I asked him if he ever committed his soul and faith to Jesus Christ and he confessed: "Yes."

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Sprouting up in Christ's Light

My life with Jesus is good and its been recognized by some to be amazing. It doesn't get to my head much because first of all, I'm not actually living it, so the credit belongs to the Holy Spirit living through me. I'll take props for a willing heart and and a devoted faith. But the works are God's.

The proof is when my brother Will (who knows me very well) is having a beer and I share in his company -but not the brew. That amazes me because I knew myself to be someone who never passes up a social pint yet there I was: without judgement, just happy with the freedom of not desiring a beer or disfunctionally craving the intoxicated feeling. I want Christ, His mercy, His love and His promises -not beer. That to me is proof of how good my life is with Jesus. But then God adds a random blessing as Will's spackling and I'm painting: my brother who doesn't show emotions at all (except good ones). Just candidly states: "I just can't believe it Nic... I'm really surprised and glad you got out of that root you were in; that seemed like forever." I smiled joyfully and said: "If your thanking me, your welcome. But you got to thank God also because I couldn't have done it without Him." There was a moment of peacfilled silence between us after. That is God's awesome power that anyone can have through faith.

The proof is in business card. Close to a year ago I changed my outlook, opnions and attitude towards authority. I did it while I was working with a very difficult boss through prayer and silence. I wanted to obey Romans chapter 13. After three failed promotions, I got promoted and moved away from the tough boss. This wan't a big move on the surface; but I insisted in my mind that this change of store and job type was God's way of helping me seek him first in everything -to let the new me out. So in seeking Him first, I erased my long-standing "workin' for the man." attitude. Or the "The system is using me" feeling. Or the strong hold of thinking that my bosses don't care about me. Now I'm embraced, cared for and praised by my boss. I've gotten a big second promotion in less than six months and yes: I got business cards that my company paid for! (I'm gonna use them as To:/From: tags this Christmas.) Not to mention, I am in the position of authority now. My boss is moving on and he wants me to take his position. I'm nominated to be re-promoted to a level where the income is enough to support a family. I'm a long shot in my mind but still I'm meeting with the district boss this week, what delight from my past. Talk about Satan tricking my thoughts dooming my success until I Submitted to Jesus.

The proof is in the future. Today I attended a debt seminar at church. God asked me to evaluate my spending, bill paying and tithing. The Lord has placed my sins with money in my lap. Since I quit gambling, I thought my money-sinning days were through (Just the stupid sins it turns out). My sin is mainly psychological: I have all these knotted up strong holds talking me out of faithfully tithing, seeing the money as God's, or not diligently budgeting. Sin is dark, addicting and shameful; all of a sudden my spending and credit resembled this. I felt wretched about what I've done with what God has given me. Debt is a sin that never really phased me because its socially acceptable. I owe Chase, Capital one, a morgage and Mastercard. So how I can justify eating out daily? Convenience? The truth is that I'm living greedily if i'm not trying to remove debt, have an emergency fund, or multiply the money God gave me. That's done by giving back in gratitude to God what's God's. "Like a river, not a reservoir."

We will see how God changes me this year to executing repentance from my didn't-know-it-was-there-sin of money management. The outlook is not depressing for me, because I qualify only for low credit limits cards. I've been highly undereducated for much too long about spending so I look forward to fixing this before I do have a family, company, or am entrusted with more money. My mom's great with finances so I feel less than proud about knowing so little. But on a sin level, I just want to exterminate those mental (defeatist) barriers that I don't usually see, yet it is a plank in my eye if Jesus was looking at me. But yep, God is good. My life in his grace and mercy is great. Its tremendous what God can heal with a willing faith.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Snickers: the unlikely disguise of despondency

Convenience stores turn into Sam's Club on Thanksgiving simply because their open. Talk about being used. Growing up I worked at a gas station and a movie theatre so I've missed out on many a full Thanksgiving. Now I've graduated to being off on Thanksgiving (at least I get to see the Lions play).

So I was running late for my Thanksgiving meal and I was asked to bring the Diet Pepsi (Dipsy-pipsy as we like to call it, or Dizzle-pizzle works too). You who know my passion for the kitchen can fully appreciate the faulty logic of me bring Dipsy -pipsy (what's worse: I just got a great Pumpkin soup recipe). Well on my way, I was in prayer and just listing off my thankfulness -very fitting. And I was like "God thanks for the person that is working at the gas station so slackers like me can get their 24pack of Dizzle-pizzle." Suddently, like a thought that wouldn't leave my mind: I became super determined to buy that clerk a Snickers bar and say thanks.

So I entered the store on a Snickers mission from the will power within me. The guy behind the register seemed deserving of/cool enough to get a candy bar. I was glad it was a guy so that there wasn't any weird "Is he hitting on me?" vibe... But in the make shift Sam's Club there's a line. I selected the Dipsy-pipsy and held off on the Snickers. There were lots of people around: clearly too many to gift a Snickers bar to the clerk. They'll say weird things. What if the clerk insists on not having it and we're caught pushing the Snickers bar back and forth to one another? By the time I met Rex I didn't have the Snickers bar in hand. He was friendly and asked me "Just this?" as if he knew I had wanted to buy a candy bar for him. I answered the old: "uhhh, yeah." I bought my soda and much to my torement he wished me a happy Thanksgiving. To which I replied: "you too."

I've been kicking myself in the head ever since. I got in the car and prayed for Rex (that was the name on his name tag). I really hope he's working Christmas for my sake because I blew it! The contents of my heart, the tugging of my spirit were all shot down because I has invented senarios in my mind that would cast embarrassment on me. Just total lousy fiction. I had literally paralysed the will of the Spirit in me to act.

One of the biggest hang-ups (misunderstanding) I had about being born again was how Christians in my life would always tell me: God will speak to you (on the Nextel?). He will lead you (with GPS?). He will answer you (by leaving a voice message?). Some of them would say: "to turn to the scripture, flip on a random page and let God guide you to an answer." That hasn't helped me in practice. But when a believer tells me to get to know key passages and why. Well that helps me, like: 1Peter2:24, Eph 2:10, Rom 10:9, 1Cor 10:13. Similar to a Nextel, God's verses are transmitted chunks at a time, without interruption and for a porpose. Ah, the vast difference of God's will and my will. Afterall, Jesus did talk. The red stuff in my Bible is God's actual voice. So the Bible to me, is more like a map of God's will which can turn into a GPS the more I obey His calling in my life.

Prayer is another option to hear God speaking to me. I didn't understand that a prayer to God if its not addressed to Jesus might not carry much mercy (this included my many prayers to Mary growing up). So, How can anyone know God's calling/will? I have found that by grace and mercy via Jesus I can leave a voice message-a prayer. God speaks in my life as he answers prayers.

In my experiance, I wasn't privy to the Holy Spirit moving within me until I asked Jesus into my heart. Only then does the voice of Satan and the world dim enough to hear God's calling of us into His fold. As the scantification continues I will experiance fewer failures like the one at the gas station. How can I not be decieved by what my mind deems as God's calling. disernment, remembering Chirsts forgiveness. That's why the little battles count.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Strength in God-like things

I thank God for:

*Jesus Christ
*Having a plan for me
*Accepting and wanting all of me
*People on the treasure hunt for the truth: find You
*You never change, yet You encourage us to do so until eternity
*Hearing my prayers, even though You already know the topic and resolution
*"If you knew what I know about Jesus, then you would tell me stat." Evangelism attitude
*For finding me in that one moment -small gap- where every circumstance lead me surrendor all to Jesus
*Producing signs of miracles out of me, like turning my weaknesses into stregnths and confiscating my addictions
*You look into my heart like none else to see my longing and efforts; gently You hold and preserve them lighting my soul
*Unfolding my faith walk at a pace that enables me to trust, love and grow simultaniously; pushing out fears and cluelessness
*Seeing blessings as a blessing. recognizing they come from God not by my own merit though on the surface it seems as such
*For reminders in the people and the world around me of the person I tried so hard to be. -but wasn't. Amazing how set apart I am in Following Christ
*Dispite my heavy relyance God continues to help me practically/ Joyfully -not be annoyed with me.
**Only because Jesus has rescued me from my sins and Satan. My obedience to Christ grants freedom to be who God hoped I would be.
*In discovering who that person is, I've come to love myself wholly

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thanksgiving?

I've thought about my dad this Thanksgiving more than ever. My parents were married for eight years, had four boys in that time. Yesterday mom told me of the untimeliness of the eighth anniversary of their marriage. It was the wake of my father. My dad, Martin Currat died on Thanksgiving day 1980 and on December second was the wake/ anniversary. I never connected those two bits of info, until mom told me yesterday. Now in high school I had heard tapes of the service, photos and newspaper articles regarding my father's death, Many many people had kind words about the person my dad was as he was very active in the Colorado Mountain Club and Ski Patrol.

My favorite detail of my dad was that he made my mom's wedding ring. I was dearly loved by my father, growing up I used to try and be like him. He made gold and silver teeth, climbed many famous mountains, he always wore a bandana and whistled lots. Martin could fit many stereotypes of being Swiss (although I've never heard him yodel). We have some sweet cow bells at home!! I was two years old when he died and since then I can think of only one other event that compares to the life-long impact of losing my dad.

A fatherless life is all I've known. My grief and blame was much different than an abandoned or abusive father. I couldn't say how selfish or lousy my dad was; so my contempt was placed on God for his indifference in killing my dad. Nature took him in an avalanche -not a gun or a noose. All my grief, anger, isolation, and blame was forgiven the day I gave my life to Jesus Christ. This is the only event to eclipse not having a father. By mercy and grace from Jesus I have endured my father's death to become a son for God the Eternal Father.

How must God the Father have felt to see His own innocent Son die unjustly -excruciatingly spilling all of His life out. That was so God can tell me "Nic I can relate to your dad dying trajically." In Christ is my healing and justice. God is my father... to me, He is the father in the Prodical Son story. God has wrapped me in his best cloak, place a ring on me, and sandles on my feet. Embracing me and kissing me with compassion as a father would his own son. All the discipline, commitment, and motivation a father shows can be found in the Bible. With Jesus' forgiveness, the omnipotence of God turns to a greatly comforting force in my everyday life. I'm not scared or chicken-shit addicted to temporary fixes.

I wonder about my dad because faith in Jesus was never mentioned when discribing who Martin was. So then why would God not use me as a tool for evangelizing to my dad. I wonder if he prayed. I pray for my understanding. Christ, to me, is all truth. so the idea that my father lived without the truth makes me want to tell him about Jesus is that wrong or childish? Can't I get just one chance. I'm trying that with my living family members. I pray for the Holy Spirit to fill my family up with the love of Jesus. Courage is needed so I thank God for His Holy Spirit.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Life as a condo -of many thanks

On my faith b-day, I was convicted with gratitude for the Jesus insurgency in my life. God secured the perimeters, arming my faith and invading the sin in my life. I tried my darndest to follow and know God's will (still am). Being born into the promises of the Bible can be as life changing as a high quality face-lift. Only, the beautiful image is from within.

At church I was a wreck tonight. The Pastor would go around with the mic and ask those who felt called to speak of their gratitude for the Lord in their lives. One after another I would be brought to tears. I totally wanted to say something but I couldn't get a hold of myself. My list of thanks for God just runs long. As I listened to the blessings and afflictions of so many, I just got some perspective that I'll cherish and use.

I've been lead in the Lord to close on a condo. (Olive you'll be happy to know I went with the 30 year fixed). Home ownership is a huge blessing and I don't just mean equity. In prayer, I went around my condo casting out all evil spirits in the name of Jesus Christ. I just felt so blessed that God would entrust me with such a new begining: a challenge financially, interrior designerly, plummerly, home improvementally and gratefully. I'm so eager to fix it up: its a joyful feeling envisioning what could be, budget willing. The distruction phase is almost complete. I'm finding surpises left and right! Like water drops where there shouldn't be one. The wallpaper they had was rather embarrasing. Molded drywall over the sink area and how do I make the heat work?

Let me digress slightly to transfer this imagery to the work the Holy Spirit has been doing in me. I've failed, but more importantly I'm yeilding to the scantification in Christ. I'm represented by the condo, the way I came into being through self-realization looks like a condo that foreclosed to the bank of sin. I had hidden, moldy addictions. Disfunctional drops of ego. Embarrasing wallpaper/style and I didn't know how to make love work.

It is God's love that "fixer-uppers" me. That is why I claim him often in almost every context in my life. Yet on the outside, my condo looks like little has changed. This is not untrue of me. Dispite Baptizm, and letting go of intense addictions. Those closest to me know how very much I've changed; yet on the outside they act like its good old Nic.

I shared this Church service with my mom, she knows me very well and witnessed my tears during the service. Her relationship with Christ differs from mine. So to continue our sharing, we went to Bennigans and it was there that she accused me of looking up pornography on her computer while she was away for a month. I laughed, first because it was in the form of an accusation and second because God has called me to repentance on my lusting (&Co.) for about three months now. Praise God for warning signs, situations to avoid and early morning devotional time. She thought it made the most sense that it would be me based on my past outter shell. So I opened the discussion to the Bible and how doing that stuff is not only a sin against God but also my future wife. My prayer is that one day my mom will know just how much being born again in Jesus has saved her son's very existence.

After this it was clear to mother that her investigation must continue. I welcomed her to check my "history" link on my internet server any time. I certainly don't mean to discount the immense lack of respect that it was for my mom to find porn on her computer. I hope I'm not airing my family's dirty laundry, it was on my heart. As for my computer, it was one of God's amazing surprises for me this last year. I prayed over it that it would be used only to advance my love for Him. This blog site is 80% of my computer's use right now.

On a final note of gratitude I wanted to shout out to mom's for raising four boys by herself after my dad died in an avalanche on Thanksgiving day 1980. She brought us up in church, taught us French, managed accounts, created surprises, disciplined daily and domesticated me. She never so much as dated after my dad's death. To me, she is Christ-like as she shows sacrificial love and instills encouragement. She does have classic family traits of stubborn and loopy.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Double Dare (not the late 80' TV show)

A week ago I was asked to take a dare; Make that a double dare. I wasn't forced to do it although I don't chicken out much. It was to tell everyone in my own words and time about Jesus Christ. The ramifications of that double dare seemed invading of who I am today. This was an inconvenient dare. I was at a high school youth conferance called Dare 2 Share, and it was huge. More than 10,000 people praying, laughing and sharing in the presence of the Holy Spirit. Technically I wasn't even a participant: I drove the van.

Yet there I was at the Pepsi Center. Even before the conferance started, I was talking to a thirteen year old kid about how cool Jushua and Caleb were in trusting God's power and protection and how the rest of the extradited Jews really turned to sin and doubted God's will in the eyes of giants living in the promised land. There was a moment or two where I was concerned if I retold the whole story right. As I stalled this youth minister sitting infront of us blurts out with his mouth full: "Yeah, you preach brother. Go 'head". I mentioned how God cherished Caleb's faith as whole-hearted. And to think that the majority of Caleb's life was spent in the desert. That to me is awe-inspiring and indicative of delighting in God's promise. -The preaching I wasn't counting on was this little buddy shared the major events of the Old Testament in hand stories with me. His church taught him that passage in gestures.

The message of that first night was to choose Christ and serve Him first. Turning and recieving the free gift of salvation was one thing. But this conferance called us to quit lollygaging, address the distractions, have a plan to repent from the problem that stands in the way of being a living sacrafice. Make allegience to Jesus before country, friend, desires and family. It was a raw call to scantification. Like John the Baptist's call for repentance. I was cried those good tears as conviction and guilt surfaced in my head.

When asked in prayer who wanted a personal relationship with Christ in view of God's only means for salvation, 500 people raised their hand (we were told later). The Spirit moved and the pastor kept insisting remember this moment, this second. Likewise, the pastor asked who wants to pledge allegience to Christ ahead of any worldy affair, to resolve in conforming to Christ in every department of life at all times. Well the van driver wanted that. I don't want to pussyfoot around with the remainder of my life as I am a slave to Christ and must render credit and praise to Him. They will know we are Christians by our love -not our hypocracy. I think God really holds those moments as accountability -not to hinge condemnation but to convict our earthly hearts and minds to let the Holy Spirit in more. That's the way I see it. The door to start evangelizing in my life just got opened a little wider. I still didn't take the double dare though.

The next day challenged the commitment I made immediately, I grew up seeking approval and admiration of others. So when I got rejected growing up; feelings of self-blame and embarrasement would be intensly depressive. Everything about me I evaluated based on other people's opnion: from asking a girl out, to my car makes me embarrased cause its ugly, old and leaky. This is where I was glad I was the driver of the van because those kids had to go door to door and collect cans for the Denver Rescue Mission, gather prayer requests and tell the people about the good news of Jesus Christ. It took guts because most the people weren't open to this. The term coined by the pastor was "were spending our afternoon at P.U. Persecution University."

If we were trick or treaters I was the parent on the sidewalk. I observed a neighborhood willing to hand out cans but so unwilling to recieve any Gospel message (we did get a few prayer requests). I saw in the youth a let-it-roll-off-of-you attitude and they kept on keeping on. I Prayed for them and enjoyed a beautiful sunset. The evangelizism door got opened wider, was I gonna walk through it? Did I have as much heart and courage the kids displayed?

This conferance coinsided with my Faith birthday and on that day as a reminder of the victory Christ has on my faith I adopted a kid with Compassion International "Just for the price of your daily cup of coffee." Thats a huge commitment but God has blessed me with a promotion at work and I don't drink anymore so we're talking surplus down the pipes to little Tino Tiwang of Indonesia. I got his pic right by my computer he's sporting a Mickey Mouse shirt with his hands on his hips like he's the boss. Tino's 8 and lives with his grandparents. I can't wait to start correspondance.

As the conferance ended my eye was caught by this super smooth, "G"ed out hat. It was a black Dare 2 Share hat that had "D2S" on the front in some sort of gangsta caligraphy (I don't know if that's possible). I look for hats all the time as I work undercover security in retail. So the thought came to me that this hat would be a tool of evangelizm. So I got it and walked through that door to evangelize.

I wore it at work and three people asked about the hat (one being my boss) and I directly asked them "What you know about Jesus?" I followed by telling them about His free gift, my addictive sins and the Holy Spirit that is repairing my life daily. The double dare (from the conferance) did mention in my time and in my way. So yeah I took the double dare and I've been thinking more about who in my life could be next. I can't wait to catch someone shoplifting and have them ask me about the hat. What grace is harvesting in me is from the light of God: I don't know where the seeds of the Holy Spirit go. All I know is that at some point I got one, it landed in me and I gave my faith to Jesus to watch Him grow up in me.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

My First Faith Birthday.

God's love has been spoken to me, I've been told and now He lives in me. Knowing about Jesus is the greatest gift. Far be it for me to keep Jesus for myself. That is why God is willing so see his Son rediate through me. I've departed from a life of sin to a life of willing obediance to Jesus. His Holy Spirit heals my heart and renews my hope. I'm rich in the intangeables of the heart. I thank God for this new life in Christ now one year old. Proof of God's fertile provision is all around me. This site online is no different. I can't wait for the outward signs to be a more complete reflection of God's regenerative work. Stay tuned, wonderful things are bound to funnel through me for God's recognition.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Who's the next Paul?

I wonder if he knew that I was praying for him as he sat crying in handcuffs. I was guarding the door and hiding my empathy. Others in the security office were too caught up on the catching of "the bad guy", stoked on the energy. It was a job well done. Hundreds of dollars of merchandise that this guy pushed out the store saved. To top it off: he was a fighter. He tried to run away from security.

Misery best discribes the state of this 30 year old man once in the office. The life he has was unraveling in his head; He was overcome with emotion pondering the worst. -By now I could tell he was Bi-Polar, I could tell his mind was running manically. I've been in parallel places. He pleaded for pity. I could tell he was truthful mostly because he was spouting out his life: stating his divorce, unempolyment, his son, and getting out of jail four days ago. His life was so taken by the Devil that his ethics were compromised to permit theft. He needs to take responsability for his actions, that is clear. God has willed/placed the laws, even civil ones. This is my proof that Satan preys on the weak to compromise morality and replace it with deception.

The cart he pushed out was brought into the office. The clothes this man stole -none would have fit him... He wanted to give the world to his son. Without Christ, our best intensions to love still fall short and lead us to sin, in this case a theft of passion. As I was folding the boys clothing and arranging it for evidence photos (a very weird feeling), God impressed upon my heart to pray for him so I will continue to do so. It is God's will placing me to do what I do for a living. I'm not about to give him a cookie or a glass of warm milk, and send him on his way. Nor am I going to pass judgement or beat him up for attacking us.

This is not only a lesson for him but a lesson for me because I'm seasoned (until now) to apprehend people stealing because of opportunity or selfishness. A Bi-Polar person can be funneled in reasoning because of the manic state; Add Satan imposing his demons and you get a shoplifter just like him. I think he was decieved into believing that his actions are justifiable since he was in jail, couldn't pay child support, this was his way to help out and see his son. He was selfish though, to think that this was the only way to put clothes on his child's.

No matter the story, you steal from my work, I am trained to catch you. That is why I believe that it is God's will to use my labor to reveil the truth of his Son in an indirect way. In the interview room, I lifted up a silent prayer that satan be expelled by the spirit of Jesus Christ. I've prayed that the Holy Spirit moves in each of the "bad guys" I catch. Because the degree of evil they commited can one day be a fraction of the good they can do in Christ. In the Jesus Freaks book vol. 1 there is this account of a Christian being tortured by the same people daily for years and once freed he stated that he "could not harbor hate for the abusers because: who knows if they were the next Paul." So that is how I feel about the people I apprehend. Their actions have lead them to steal, and their time with me is gonna suck but God willing it will yeild a chance for a life decision. I have hope that each will come to be potent Believers in Christ though God Himself might not appear to ask "why do you persecute me?". After all, I wasn't planing on finding God and the freedom in obeying His Son. -I did- I hope to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Jesus Christ is all truth like I know Him to be. It is a yearning inside of me (I think this might be my first time actually yearning something) My testimony reveals that truth I hope. I believe there is a Saul to Paul conversion everyday, giving the earth those colorful testamonies. I hope the guy who got caught playing Robinhood for his son today is one of them.

Monday, October 29, 2007

One God, One year, One little brother

"It's not like I'm trusting for a parking spot next to the church, but trusting Him with my life." My brother is quotable what a great nugget this one is. This quote speaks to his reassurance in God's faithfulness and provision for his family. Since God can grant that parking spot (should He want), He's totally motivated by Olivier's relyance -no doubt. As he enters fatherhood and endures probably the biggest career search of his life.

Olivier's love for God oozes forth and changes the people in his life. Aside from his wife, I think I've been touched by him the most. Conforming to Christ changed him immensly. The light he shares impressed upon me the eternal truth of Jesus as messiah. It's all God's glory; but it is in large part, Olivier's willingness to share it. To me, since Christ calls us to brotherly and sisterly love, I aspire to what my brother puts forth as an example. His brotherly love planted the seeds of the Lord in my mind long before I surrendered to Jesus.

Olivier wanted me to know Christ's saving grace so badly and immediatly. He pointed out how condemnation is clear due to my sinful ways. Back then I was totally unapologetic for my sins. Even when severe Demonic possesion (schizophrenia) entered my life for a time. He prayed over me asking for the healing power of the Holy Spirit. This proves that Olivier believes in God's sovereignty and miracles. He prayed at my apartment and linked countless people behind the effort of praying for my sanity, well-being and redemption. He was so very scared at what the Devil had done to me (as you can imagine) but God brought him out of fear and eventually into joy. Olivier and his wife chose to pray for my salvation daily and seven years later...

The Holy Spirit moved in me and Jesus Christ scooped me up and reveiled all the deception and brain-washing of Satan. I was lied to about philosophy, society, love, destiny, individuality just to name some major ones. My life was without worth and I was very weak. Jesus took the burden, broken bits and misery of what my life had become in prayer, on November 10, 2006. The regeneration of the Holy Spirit grew at a pace that fortified my faith -as only God could. My prayers were soaked in tears. I felt so duped, lied to by almost everyone save Olivier. For the first month or two I felt like I was at the bottom of a well: I was the only believer I knew except my brother.

The Bible is a wonderland of God's likeness; it helped me get out of the well. Christs body on earth, once inside really isn't as crippled as some make it out to be. I see people hungery to hear the works of God in the lives of others. They also taught me ways to jump out of the well and walk in Christ. Trusting Jesus with every burden is the best! I no longer have to hold feelings in or try to control my circumstances. God is here to help me: to guide, provide and encourage me to be a brother to all.

I know for certain that I am special in the eyes of God and all I had to do was to give my faith to Jesus. Out of that comes freedom from sin, and lessons of the Holy Spirit. Lets keep in mind that I was still very stuck in addictions. I'd sit and have a beer and a cigarette and be alright knowing that God was going to lead me away from both some day. Satan used addictions to numb my emotions and lessen my conciousness of absolute truth being in Jesus. In me was this way overdue call to repent, to feel bad about my life choices. I cry, when I choose temptation over wisdom. In a years time, I have given all of my addicting habits to the bloodshed of Jesus on the cross. God's grace gave me freedom from hard sins I thought I'ed do till I died. The Holy Spirit has held me when I stumbled, righteousness keeps me going forward after confessing to Jesus.

In dedicating this faith anniversary to God and the works He is doing in me; I just want to recognize Olivier for his role in bringing me to know the sweet salvation in obeying Jesus. As an unbeliever I always had an open heart for what thoughts Olivier had about my life and even when he would send me Christian CD's I'd roll my eyes and give it a listen. Now, I'm starting to get a picture of longing he endured as he saw my life unravel during the seven years. I don't know if he's brought others to know a personal relationship with Christ, but he sure did that for me. What love to bring a lost soul to Jesus and say: "Please have your way with him/her. Reconsider this person's life as you have mine Jesus."

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Undercover brother in Christ

Over the weekend I left my G2 pen in my work shirt breast pocket. What a great pen that G2: plastic encasing, spring mounted clicker, rubber grip, gel ink, I even remember writing a paper in college about how superior the Bic G2 pen was amongst all the pens. Anyways, all my work shirts fall in the "whites with bleach wash" on the hot water cycle, and fast spin. After the wash, come to find: I've stained my five white work shirts with black ink. After the initial shock, I imagined the consequences and play them out in my head.

Boy is this a sign of things to come. Should I quit the retail security feild? Is God telling me to check every pocket of my clothes when I do the laundry? Like my mom used to do growing up. Clumsy, careless, and hurried that's what I think happened. The transformation of my life into the image of Christ is like me using a map and a compass to get somewhere versus using GPS in a car. God's ways are often clear, shorter and more rewarding then relying on my own understanding. In becoming a believer I've learned that God's will often comes to me:

As I prepaired to go to work in my shiny leather shoes, pressed navy blue pants and white cotton undershirt; I get a call from my boss. He orders me to get to work in street clothes because I'm training as an undercover today. How timely considering my shirts. Well God be praised, I got promoted without interview, inquiry or doubt in my boss' mind. This is no little promotion either. Half of my hourly wage got added onto what I was making hourly. What a blessing after 31/2 years of no promotion. Now in the span of six months I've recieved two. This is a testament to the regeneration of the Holy Spirit. The Bible verse EPH2:10 best sums up the victory in my life that comes in obeying God's call to draw me near.

What a whopper, make that a double whopper with cheese. I get to go to work in sweats, dye my hair green or perhaps where a suit and tie while sporting a breifcase. What an unforseen thing. -Enter now the responsibility, I have a position of authority. Romans 13 describes well what that means. This job won't work unless my every effort and willingness is aparent. I have four people under me that need to react instantly to what I say in crisis or unpopularity. To make it even harder, some of the people I'm the leader of wanted my position and find it puzzling (unmerited) that I got it.

Now comes the change in my duties. As a door security guard making your presence known is imperative. It was quite comical yesterday, the amount of times I blew my cover because I said hello to a co-worker passing by forgetting that I'm not in uniform. Neither am I to make eye contact with anyone on the sales floor. I have been called to use the power of observation combined with strict obediance to company policy to catch theifs. There's no room for grey in these decisions, and many prerequisits exist. I could loose my job overnight if I make a decision that would falsely accuse someone. All that job security of working retail seems suspended.

Praying for God to work things out in my department at work gave way to this. I didn't think it would involve me so actively. Asking the Holy Spirit of Jesus to cast out the evil influences that tempted me happened too. Now I am asked to regroup my department, define unacceptable conduct and hold accountability to people's work performance while showing Christ's love. No more cracking dice in the office or ogling after women with the camera.

Lets not ignore the fact that I need to be in a committed physical workout routine due to the physical altercations. I'm Bi-Polar too so when the manic errupts, how do I control that? God's working that out of me, I just need to remember the warning signs. Because the adrenaline is amped during an apprehension I've assisted on many with only one who resisted. The removal of fear is imperative, to transfer all that fear away from the circumstance leaving it on the cross that alone Christ resurrected from: So only God's will protects my life (harmed or unharmed). Therefore viewing the fear of God reverantly, with absolute certainty that He will and has overcome all evil circumstance. -Without that I'm scared of martial artists, theives stacked with muscle, doped-up trouble makers, or kids that gang-up and bite.

I pray for spiritual armor too. Like the Ephesians book describes. I worship and obey Jesus Christ. Righteousness is my breastplate, I use the belt of truth, helmet of salvation, I got the sheild of faith and feet for sharing the word of peace. My boss however, thinks that I (a Christian), dwell on the inherant goodness of people and that I'm not able to recognize a liar. The second one is generally true. In response to the first comment: I'm called to be a light of the Gospel and to be known by Christ's love. I don't see Christ's love in unbelievers though I try and love them. Even in the body of Christ on earth what makes me trust someone's a believer? There's not usually an outward sign.

I don't know how God will use me. What my boss might not consider is that I believe that all have fallen short because of sin and are wretched and doomed without Salvation from Jesus. I don't therefore believe in any inherant goodness in people. So to believe that anyone is capable of stealing is true. Satan spikes his demons to evoke theft in humans especially because of our materialistically hungry society. Its when Christians I know and have touched me come in to shop that my guard might be unknowingly lowered. So that will be a challenge. I ask for prayer that I grow to hate the sins of stealing/coveting/fraud/assult/kidnapping/sexual harrasment/stalking/vandalism; but choose Christ's example of loving the sinner to render me fit to do a great job and be a successful leader. I look to be stout in policy and firm in Jesus unable to bring judgement or revenge.

Love burdened by temptation: will friends survive?

I've been facing temptation at work because I share brotherly love with my assistant manager. He taught me all there is to know about being a security guard. We were not good at catching theives because we were friends for years. Once I became a believer our friendship changed, he respected the path I took and continued on his. We are side by side at work constantly. This was very hard for me to pray about and face as an evil problem in my life.

Instead of theives, he would zoom the camera on women shopping and ask me if I would sleep with them. I too found myself searching with the camera willingly. Cussing would be common for him, as I noticed some from me from time to time. We would get drunk often after work, chill out, talk about materialistic things or sports. We developed a language that only we could understand and my sense of humor dipped way below morality to try and make my friend laugh. He loved rolling dice for dollars. Why did I love this guy? He did help me get the job. Constantly, we would bet against each other, play tennis and on occasion I would bring Jesus Christ into our conversations. He always had an ear for it, things Jesus to be the truth even, and someday wants to be saved and trust Christ but he just doesn't want to do it now.

It took me a while to realize how serious his influence was on my faith life, and drinking problem. I'm playing with temptations because I liked being around him. I don't admire him, or want to be like him. I just like his approval and comments. At times I think Satan made me believe that I was bringing him the light. How could I when I'm not casting down the onslaught of temptation? I'm there dipping into evil as if I wasn't anointed by God. But I am, so I prayed. Others prayed too, in time I was able to quit drinking (something I thought to be too powerful), lusting was shot down by tell him "No" without look at the woman zoomed in. Quitting betting was easy because he always won. This continued until last week when he got approved to move to the sales floor as a leader and make some serious money something that he constantly was driven by. I felt that God was answering my prayers. Not to get him out of my life, but to place boundaries around our friendship where only the life-giving healthy activities reside. Like tennis, chess and talking about family. God is good and my problem when brought to Jesus in prayer felt like the single sheep who wandered from the herd. The shepard leaves the herd to find the one. I'm left wondering what becomes of my love for my friend.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Prolonging excitement in relationships

Staying excited in relationships can be hard at times. Why is the average contemporary relationship fleeding? The appeal is pyhsically gratifying, emotionally intense and spiritually explicit. Then excitement slows down, comfort peaks, and promises are compromiseable. In the words of B.B. King "The thrill is gone. And now that its all over, all I can do is wish you well."

Then the average person starts cycle again, no hard feelings babe. "Hook-ups" are common practice in my generation. My co-worker that I was attracted to said: "Yeah I'm at the place in life where I just want to have fun and not be serious with dating." I remained quiet as my attraction faded. To ask her out seemed like a hollow temptation from Satan. I'm not in a place where I want to have "fun". What she was subtly suggesting is something that I've done once and thankfully nevermore. My pear shaped body is too second rate for hook-ups. More importantly though that was a sin against God, the women and my future wife. All of this was in the darkness of my past before forgiveness in Jesus.

Being involved with obeying Jesus and constantly trying to improve our relationship has made me a little spent of excitement. God is working His side of the relationship with mercy and grace. He places me with people who love Him and in turn they show love to me. Knowing Christians is an awesome part of my relationship with the Lord. I'm approaching my first anniversary in our relationship and I wanted to declare that: following Jesus is not a phase. Some may have thought, given my history that I'ed move onto another deity to worship.

The love of Jesus has surpassed and fulfilled the Old Testament law as He was the final sacrafice for our atonement (I learned that in church today). Christ's offer of salvation, once realized in me, has made me love the true God, others and myself. Love is starting to surface naturally, willingly. God first, and only then does the Holy Spirit elevate my relationships with women (out of the physical) to become pleasing in the light of Christ. The thing keeping me from being the most eligible Christian bachelor in southwest Denver is the last part of what it means to have Jesus alive in me: self love. At one point my entire sense of humor was based on self-mockery. I have so many subconcious remarks to this day that would make people think that I don't love myself. This is very deep rooted and partially due to my understanding of Catholicism at a young age. Thankfully I'm getting over the approval seeking, the comparing and the long standing "I don't care." feeling. Focusing on Jesus makes His victory in my life awesome. I wake up feeling good about myself freed from my past addictions and attitudes.

The kicker is this: dating a Christian woman will be totally new. Its a relationship built on trusting and glorifying God to death and eternity. I'm all about what He prescribes in the Bible as acceptable dynamics to courting, touching and promising to another. Christ will be the epi-center of two becoming one. The further I get from lust and co. (temptation and its familiar patterns), while alone, the more confident I will be in abstaining and asking a women to be my wife.

This thinking is so backwards to the world and its hook-ups. I can anticipate God's holy plan for my future as His child. What pains me about the wait is how unbelievers think its just plain crazy to save yourself. Beliefs aside, I think abstinence is a sign of admiration for the spouse and character building. Enough about all this, it has just been on my heart because in loving others I have grown feelings for women anew. I feel I can't do anything about it at this juncture, except to repent from lust, count on God's will and pray for guidance/signs. I'm really excitable about a lover and so to not be decieved by my emotions or temptations: I'm gonna keep on learning about Jesus and His will for my entire future.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Soil, sun +soak. First things first 'aight.

God has showed me that faith can go very far. Past all addictions, further than my understanding, and into the finishline of eternity. Jesus has given me more access to Him than I know what to do with. This last week I decided to try to devote a 45 minute time to praying and the Gospel before I leave my apartment. I was skeptical thinking that prayer is prayer no matter the time of day. But honestly I have felt differently all week. Working has been focused and diligent. Where usually its not. Talking to others about Christ convicts why I believe.

Tears of my testamony surfaced as I retold it to others. Anger and pride got traded for forgiveness and asking for forgiveness. For example, I'm training a couple "G's" from Cali, (not thugs but playaz). Historically I was a sort of social chameleon adapting my speech and comments to the person I was talking to. So these guys really tempted me to float onto relatable topics, thus trading my level of trainer. The Holy Spirit nudged me to remember that a position of authority has accountability. Who was I to conform to them? Be loving sure, but not approval seeking. So that was an unexpected victory.

How about consecutive days where the presence of the Lord in my life is so emotive that I'm removed from familiar sin. To be delighted with joy! Look-out, What a glorious God I serve. Faith in Jesus transcends my emotions, it is more than a feeling. Many of my sins were sins of passion to self-cure my emotions, that was the mode of operations for big Nic. Christ within is deeper, than the M.O. The Holy Spirit is the regeneration within. Teaching me and challenging me to chameleon Jesus (if you follow). Jesus was tempted harder than anyone ever for empathetic reasons and high preist status. He never sinned because his faith was in God the father and His plan. During those "silent years" I bet Jesus got into the scriptures like a lover courting their spouse. "We're His bride." That can be pretty emotional when focused upon in light of His perfection covering my past.

I'm on a roll with this morning devotion time, in the last 11+1/2 months as believer I've prayed and joined many community groups to grow in my faith. Church is huge in ministry but overlooking at times one-on-one worship of Jesus. (Its super sweet) My first action all week long was to focus on the perfect, immense love of Jesus saving His bride and being brought to glory for eternity because He obeyed the plans of His father. God's grace regrows me in Holy Spirit soil. Mornings are a time of hoping in the provision of the Lord, obeying like Jesus did and trusting the Holy Spirit to be God's will and time for me.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

"Fame, I'm gonna live forever." -In Christ, not works

In becoming a willing worshiper of Jesus Christ, I have not only broken addictions that have overpowered me but also I've found a way to seek God's will instead of mine. I anticipated the aid and help of the Holy Spirit, the suprising secretion in becoming a believer was that I experianced an enormous amount of hindsight on who I was (or tried become). Its like I'm fifty looking back at the way I lived my life and the time wasted persuing approval. Now i even face things I intentionally avoided like diligence.

So I have noticed that I had a very covert way of wanting to be famous. Not like superstar famous, but like highly regarded by peers in the art world famous. I've never admitted this publically its rather egotistical. In light of starting work for this script; I've referanced back to when I last did one and why. I glimpsed back (Restaurant Wars and Martin's Proverbs) in referencing them I really seemed to have this point of view that went out of its way to be unique, funny, and critical. I weighed down dialog with philosophy too much. I mixed reality/personal experiance with fantasy. I assumed lots about religions and cultures that I knew little about. I believed in a subjective truth, "to each his own" that's why we are different. The stout reality of these ideas lead me to insanity. Really, I thought I had a shot at being famous from this endeavouring. God has me to form now and thankfully my mind is included.

I noticed this fame thing fully after I made a goof in my young adult group's prayer time. There's about twenty of us and the leader was instructing us on prayer. I figured it was the regular share out loud if you feel moved to -but I didn't listen. The leader selected someone to start and she said "I'll finish." So the opener said a prayer, then... there was, -silence... a good 60-90 seconds of it. So I went ahead and voiced my intensions. Then nothing after me... -my mind was racing: "someone else please speak, say a prayer, anything... for like three minutes there was silence. They were very long minutes. I couldn't quiet my brain to pray in silence. I was just hoping someone would let me off the hook and speak. Well the leader closed, no one mentioned a thing. Maybe they thought I was super compelled to pray out loud.

I roll-played their reactions in my head (so it wasn't even real). Am I hinging my emotional well being to what others will say and do. Was my prayer a prayer? Is spiritual pride surfacing? Quite simply why was I so embarassed?

Reading script books has been reaffirming of this issue. They insist on the starting point of scripts to be two things: define your theme and who is your audience. It is only in trusting aid of the Holy Spirit that I can write away from this fame factor. This approval seeking ahead of God seeking is like a straw bridge bound to fail. Since I've already tried that maybe its time I find the other path in Christ as a writer for His glory. God will find His ways to encourage me.

I used to write to famous people and hope they respond, especially when I was mentally ill. I think the culture and society I grew up in poisoned me to do this. My grandma needs to hear from me -not Dustin Hoffman. Although my motives remain foggy, I'm sure I'm not the only one with misplaced obcessions of fame. Overexposure to this non-reality: Pop culture, bastardizes the brain. It has been Satan tricking me and telling me to chill, its the way of the world. I saw a doc. on Mother Theresa and she evaluated poverty in america as being the worste kind. The contition of the poor person in the U.S.A. can't measure up to the norms of the American Dream. Around everywhere is riches and success, neighbors live it up, as the poor are alienated and ignored. Poverty here eats away to despare much faster than entire countries being poor. That was a mild synopsis from seeing that years ago.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses -no more!

Funny how God plans and forsees my life better than me. That's a definate indicator of how big He is and how little my place in Him is. Not to be discouraged, because its there, that my life functions as a member of the Body of Christ. And I've been so busy cutting out things, adding things and asking things for my life.

Well it seems that His will brought me to my testamony once more. I'm going to assemble the story of my redemption coupled with the elements in my life preceeding Christs' gift of salvation. This means opening up the writings i did while in mental hospitals. This means revisiting the events and the thought processes that yeilded my own will to the Devil (unknowingly). The false prophetic views I had will be exposed. The symbols I chose to create to find meaning will be there too.

I take peace in knowing that I am a child of God now. That the absolute truth (for all seekers) is the Bible. I just ask for prayer as this will take a large amount of time. I am five years out of having written any major project. This process it no different than a sculptor looking at a rock and percisely imagining the finished statue. First comes measurements, color choices, and assembling tools. Then imprints of what is wanted, work, perfecting imperfections and voila.

Structuring techniques, Character development, conflict, and themes are the first few steps. Even before that, making time in my life for this is important as I am rusty to write in this format. Believing in the project is another. Not letting pride and Satan take control of the work.

Its a creative retelling what I endured outside of trusting Christ. So Jesus will get all the glory after showing the depths of darkness I was in. I will give you updates as I go along. Pray for themes, chosing the right events, the Holy Spirit's guidance for the project. Pray that I don't get distracted (go Rockies) and remain daily in the Bible. That writers block doesn't stop me from progressing. Setting a timeline and sticking to it. Realizing that the first draft is just that: a first draft.

All in all I count on God's will to place signs that will help me down that path of writing; Away from thinking: "Its not good enough", or "what will people think" or "that's too dark for my audience to ponder" or "that's too holy roller or preachy". I have lots to balance out.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Catalysts capturing Christ's courage within me

To err is human, to forgive devine. I think those are words from the Bard. Anyways, as a Believer in Christ, in order to follow that narrow path, I need encouragement. Unfortunatly, I respond to sincere encouragement from others with a counter of self critique. This represents a self love issue, or even a tool Satan uses to weaken my faith life. That is why I need to encourage myself and forgive me.

Activities centered in Christ abound in my life. They are promoters that I rely on to witness God's will on earth and in my life. This keeps me renewed when there. Prayer time is healthy yet fleeding. Yet day in and day out there is wear and tear more than building up in Jesus. -After six weeks of not a drop of alcohol, I drank last night.

It was an impulse yet concious. It was a willing defiance of what God is trying to accomplish through me. I knew that I would have to face forgiveness and shame for this contradicting action today. But lately I've felt estranged as to why my life needs to conform to Christ fully.

This decision to quit was a choice I felt I had to make because booze was a daily self-medication. Instead of placing my emotions and feelings of a day gone by on Christ and sharing my thoughts with Him I took it to the beer buzz and gut. But God the Father, soon after my being Baptized, made me ask myself: Does liquor have power over you? think you can live without this Nic, will you?

I have, It was a Goliath in the brainwashing deception area. Now, I feel good in the mornings, and my wallet feels good at night. I committed to this decision of quitting. I offered up to Jesus my life, asking for desperate forgiveness. His Spirit lead the way away from there. I barely had any thoughts of looking back except to claim the victory to God. To me, there is not a more faith affirming act than being empowered by God's ways to change my ways. It is God encouraging me through challenge; He knew I could do it, but I didn't think I could. The back of my mind can't counter that form of encouragement. How self-forgiving (and God-praising) it is to overcome an addiction.

In finding encouragement, I was floored when a brother in Christ asked me: "what's the first thing you will do in heaven?" I generally dismiss such pondering; But I love every exchange with this person so I considered the actuality of being in heaven. A child-like smile came to my face and I said "well, I'ed probably take it all in." That question was so encouraging of my faith. I needed to hear that. Because usually I have my faith in Christ and I just focus on the everyday and others.

God's promises are valid and stregthening. I need to find wonder in the amazing claims He says are waiting for the people who believe in Jesus as redeemer. God's provisions is another form of encouragement. Its all around me but last night I just chose to outweigh all of that trust, encouragement, and hope for some beer. I don't want to harbor this failure or be encircled with self-imposed guilt. I want to be a healing child of God counting on Christ to show mercy and forgiveness to the fact that I gave my word and made a commitment to quit drinking(though broken, is still valid).

Rather its the catalyst that I need to correct so that my promise to God remains; And so I can stand firm on my decisions. Why has my faith life lacked courage lately? What feeling of drunkenness do I miss? Why did I decide to listen to impulse rather than character? In chillin' with an unbeliever, why did my will power misrepresent (thus placing me in the hypocritical)?

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

payin' pennies on a dime

It was about ten days ago that my brother Will (who moonlights as a lucrative bargain hunter) called me and asked what building J looked like in my apartment complex. He continued to explain that a place opened up the same size as my current apartment and that I could afford to buy it. Quite a statement considering that all the other condos for sale here are for $55,000-$65,000. Keep in mind 600 square feet and one bedroom. He did follow up the announcement by "she's a fixer upper."

J-2 is $32,000. It was repossesed by a defaulted loan to a bank. Was this something that God enabled? Still though, my brother wanted it, to rent out to others. But he encouraged me to apply for a loan, putting his agenda on hold. It couldn't hurt and the experience would be enough to write about. My renting contract isn't up till end of Feb. But still after calculating all this and repairs I still come out with about $15,000 equity.

Its hard to believe that a year ago I was calculating my expenses for beer and weed (contentment in toxins). With self control through Christ and His Holy Spirit I've come to a place where blessings and possibilities exist. Before this, I spent a long time in a cave/cocoon from May 03' to Nov 06'. And the five years before that was pure defiance of Christianity. Though the belly and outer shell indicate little change, God has rescued me and encouraged me to turn to Christ with everything I have and am currently.

What do you know, I got approved. I settled on a price of $31,000 and I close on it later in the month. So many possibilities come from simply asking God and obeying His ways. The life following Christ is hard and narrow, but the self motivated life is impossible to find hope in. Casting worries and fears on Jesus proves that I need Him, it is not a sign of weakness. So I think this excitement is worth sharing as long as I give all the credit to the God the Father and thanks to my brother Will. I am not prideful about the occurances of my life, just a testament to the living God.

So thoughts of how I long for Chicago become replaced with God's call to me here. The life of my past becomes the footstool on which I reach out Christ the sealer of my sins and the example to depend on. The Game plan is set and I'm in position!

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Root canals, nerve endings, and a crown of thorns

1,500 Root canal and crown
-400 for having approved insurance
-763 Insurance coverage

I slapped down new plastic before the secretary could say: "$337.00 Dollars please." It was a new one, I called to activate it earlier that day. I still haven't signed the back. Honestly I'm embarrassed that I got a credit card for my copayment.

Two weeks of poping Advil and enduring spiking pain lead to a painful three hours in a chair, jaw opened with a doorstop looking thing and a Dentist drilling to the root of the matter. Somewhere between the novocane and the late afternoon appointment, as my dentist talked to her assistant about loosing loved ones in amusement parks, I called out to God. It's not that I couldn't handle the remainder of the pain, but God allows me to be in a state of prayer no matter the endeavor. There's doubt that my dentist was focusing on me, there's consequences to paying with a credit card, and so I prayed about this. Since I didn't know when the pain would jolt my nerve, I just focused on the dentistry in Jesus' time and the affliction they had to endure since modern science was closer to cave man tactics back then.

The kicker is this: once drilled to the end of the tooth-root, the dentist grabs these long two inch spikes and files the hole until its clean enough and deep enough for the warm gooey filling. To confirm proper workmanship, we took an x-ray with one of these spikes sticking half in/half out of my tooth. As the hours carried on I grew more tense and wrestless. But I insisted that Christ knew my pain and what I was going through though never shot with novocane. My prayers started sounding circular: "It'll be great to eat without pain again, thanks God. I can't imagine what the billions of people in the world do when they are in tooth pain with no dentist. Ouch that hurt, Send your Holy Spirit to heal and blanket this pain, you have the healing power God I need this. Help me endure this really needs to be a lesson for me." -Something similar to that over and over. The dental lesson was: rinse with a fluride mouth wash, brush twice and floss daily. Until death!

God's lesson came back on the X-ray. The point of the spike was like an inch inside me. All the pain, squirming. complaining stopped long enough for me to imagine the crown of thorns. An object of the crucifixion I forget or never really gave much thought to. Until that day at the dentist looking at that single spike (versus the many on the crown of Christ). I remember being told that rose branches in that region have really long thorns. So Jesus' brain which is the center for all the nerves, harbored needle-like thorns brutly placed.

I'm not trying to embellish the pain tolerance of Christ or His spiritual centeredness to have endured such pain. -One glimpse of this in my heart made me see how I needed a wambulance and quiet refuge in God because Jesus suffered and died for me. Jesus Christ chose to dwell in pain for the completion of God the Fathers' promises to me. What an act of faith to count on an unjustly tortured man to bear what I deserve: until death. And my, what a laughable fraction of suffering/panic it took in a dentist chair to wonder: how did Christ hang on! May I have the willingness to share what Christ painfully endured to remove God's wrath from us and all. The crown of thorns is the only crown my Savior carries until my death which brings me to Him.

Friday, September 21, 2007

"And we all shine on, like the moon, the stars and the sun"

Somewhere submerged in the worries of the days, the trends of conversations and the motives of my follies I had a thought. Someone dear to me suggested Karma playing a deciding role in their decisions: small like litering to big like spending time with the elderly. These virtues were actuated for Karmic kudos. This is all very "what's in it for me" kind of thinking. Though this person practices Christianity I wanted to investigate my limited knowledge of the Bible and what it says in regards to Karmic law. This is not a study, just a curiosity.

My understanding of Karma is the active energy in the earth, people, and time combining with past actions and choices to bring us full circle to reinfluence and determine what one faces today. A sort of reincarnation of events and feelings.

The most effective Christian parallel might be that you will reap what you sow. Still off though, because salvation hinges on faith not action or words. So a Believer, despite reaping pain and suffering here (due to bad sowing); they could still find relyance and eternal rest in the Lord. Whereas the Karmic tallier might carefully sow to find a future lucrative in reaping. But those self calculations leave trust in an almighty God expendable.

Karma isn't invalid, it does tap into dimensions worthy of discribing God that a Christian could agree with. Like the saying "they're gonna get what's coming to them." Despite the judgement call on the spokesperson, it eccos the Bible's claim that revenge is the Lord's. To a Christian, revenge is not ours for the calculating or executing. This act of trusting in God plan is similar to the way karmic law is supposed to play out. Except when Karma doesn't get that person and anger sets in how to control those feelings? With God there's prayer, His word and the Holy Spirit. What happens in Karma, does that person rethink their tit-for-tat logic or summon demonic voo-doo dolls?

Karma seems to endorse a turn the other cheek attitude to objects, animals, actions and people too. Something very akin to the message of loving your enemies that Jesus taught. I think Christ mainly kept it to people though. I love the enviornment too, but not like I love people. That said, I don't think a tootsie roll wrapper dropped in the mall food court will have rippling reprocussions the way instant Karma might induct... Does Karma see the heart? I know God does.

My single favorite hymn as of yet is "Trust and Obey" the lyrics go something like; "trust and obey/ for there's no other way/ to be happy in Jesus/ than to trust and obey." This is talking about the Romans 12:1 factor. A believer once embodied in the mercy and light of Christ, sets out to be a functioning part the body of Jesus on earth. That connectedness is not elitest, its precious and well discribed in the Bible. Sacrifice becomes logical (learn and follow), believers are challenged to give without expecting return. God has a great will, and its full; of hope, of fairness of love (just the get the ball rolling). My will is conforming to Christ the teacher. I gave karma up for a Christian belief system that is never vague and sometimes mysterious.

Faithfulness in Jesus reaps the gace of God. "Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into your hearts, the Spirit who calls out 'Abba Father'. So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir." (Galations 4:6-7)

Thursday, September 20, 2007

filling out the gaps in singlehoodbluesland

Paradigm shift! -I love saying that. Coming to trust Jesus at a late age (where many are set in their ways)makes me know the saying paradigm shift. That being the paramount turning point in life. A colossal change of heart which inturn, will transform all of me. Keep in mind, when I let Christ into my life, I wasn't ready to quit drinking, smoking, cussing or any sin. God just overwhelmingly revealed to me that truth is not subjective or relative to a individual's own experiance.

The truth within me before my personal relationship with Christ was: my journey of self discovery, my allegaince to love, my knowledge of the cultural world around me, and also my tollerance of each unique person. These are drowning virtues even with determination hope and interest fades.

So now I'm claiming Christ, and as I grow through my paradigm shift I come armed with prayer. What privilage it is to do so, I've casted fears of Satan in prayer, I've surrendored my addictions slowly but surely through prayer, I've come to pray for hundereds -even enemies. Praying is a excersize of faith that lets me not fear the future. I'm not scared of dying, or my provisions, or what others think. I just am pleased to pray to God, granted He's all knowing but I can't quite comprehend the exact extent of what that means. I don't even pay that close attention to what I'm thinking of sometimes; So I pray.

Now I'm new and it hasn't even been a year and God has place sin after sin on my heart and made me ask "Nic do you really need this?" These were addictions I was ready to take to the grave with me. Instead, I called on the stregnth of the Holy Spirit and the plan of God the Father, to let Jesus forgive me and apply shears to my branches that have grown wild and weak.

So, after a period of having a hard time falling asleep without my self prescribed sleep aides (liquor and weed), I just keep busy till I'm tired. And stay patient as I toss and turn in bed. I do write which is something that I'm slowly reenabling. I got time on my hands to please others with cookies, calling and sharing. My life is cleaner and busier. Doing stuff like flossing, writing shoping lists, sleeping eight or more hours, trying new things.

This is a letter to promote only the love of the Savior of the world: Jesus Christ. It feels good to say it and while an unbeliever I was annoyed by these claims. Now I know the truth and seek its' exactitude in the Bible. I look at myself differently now, Optimistically. I look to play my part in Christ's body on earth. To live up to the claims God makes in the Bible when discribing His children (there are many).

I pray for patience as I am alone, I've separated myself from the fruitless avenues of my past. I'm not to return if i fill myself with the right things. And fill my life with the right people. -Lord your my provider- and so for fellowship development I got two Bible studies, chruch, Awana and a young adult group. For servanthood I'm joining the Boys and Girls club as a volunteer for four hours a week, work and family inbetween. I cherish this departure from the brainwashing and deception that this world strained on me. At the same time i'm in the unique position to testify as a star witness for Jesus on cases involving addiction, art, philosophy, writing, music, mental illnesses, film, Frenchness, travel, tennis (the scoring can be very decieving.) I just wanted to write something and i didn't really have a story to tell, just how anxious i feel starting over after this paradigm shift and the immense possibilities it yeilds. Peace out.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Quandary Peak photo journey