In becoming a willing worshiper of Jesus Christ, I have not only broken addictions that have overpowered me but also I've found a way to seek God's will instead of mine. I anticipated the aid and help of the Holy Spirit, the suprising secretion in becoming a believer was that I experianced an enormous amount of hindsight on who I was (or tried become). Its like I'm fifty looking back at the way I lived my life and the time wasted persuing approval. Now i even face things I intentionally avoided like diligence.
So I have noticed that I had a very covert way of wanting to be famous. Not like superstar famous, but like highly regarded by peers in the art world famous. I've never admitted this publically its rather egotistical. In light of starting work for this script; I've referanced back to when I last did one and why. I glimpsed back (Restaurant Wars and Martin's Proverbs) in referencing them I really seemed to have this point of view that went out of its way to be unique, funny, and critical. I weighed down dialog with philosophy too much. I mixed reality/personal experiance with fantasy. I assumed lots about religions and cultures that I knew little about. I believed in a subjective truth, "to each his own" that's why we are different. The stout reality of these ideas lead me to insanity. Really, I thought I had a shot at being famous from this endeavouring. God has me to form now and thankfully my mind is included.
I noticed this fame thing fully after I made a goof in my young adult group's prayer time. There's about twenty of us and the leader was instructing us on prayer. I figured it was the regular share out loud if you feel moved to -but I didn't listen. The leader selected someone to start and she said "I'll finish." So the opener said a prayer, then... there was, -silence... a good 60-90 seconds of it. So I went ahead and voiced my intensions. Then nothing after me... -my mind was racing: "someone else please speak, say a prayer, anything... for like three minutes there was silence. They were very long minutes. I couldn't quiet my brain to pray in silence. I was just hoping someone would let me off the hook and speak. Well the leader closed, no one mentioned a thing. Maybe they thought I was super compelled to pray out loud.
I roll-played their reactions in my head (so it wasn't even real). Am I hinging my emotional well being to what others will say and do. Was my prayer a prayer? Is spiritual pride surfacing? Quite simply why was I so embarassed?
Reading script books has been reaffirming of this issue. They insist on the starting point of scripts to be two things: define your theme and who is your audience. It is only in trusting aid of the Holy Spirit that I can write away from this fame factor. This approval seeking ahead of God seeking is like a straw bridge bound to fail. Since I've already tried that maybe its time I find the other path in Christ as a writer for His glory. God will find His ways to encourage me.
I used to write to famous people and hope they respond, especially when I was mentally ill. I think the culture and society I grew up in poisoned me to do this. My grandma needs to hear from me -not Dustin Hoffman. Although my motives remain foggy, I'm sure I'm not the only one with misplaced obcessions of fame. Overexposure to this non-reality: Pop culture, bastardizes the brain. It has been Satan tricking me and telling me to chill, its the way of the world. I saw a doc. on Mother Theresa and she evaluated poverty in america as being the worste kind. The contition of the poor person in the U.S.A. can't measure up to the norms of the American Dream. Around everywhere is riches and success, neighbors live it up, as the poor are alienated and ignored. Poverty here eats away to despare much faster than entire countries being poor. That was a mild synopsis from seeing that years ago.
