In sharing and carefully writing this I just knew that i had to share it. I hope it speaks to you all.
If thought and action define who receives God's grace and mercy, then I would be without it. If right and wrongs were carefully tallied and rewarded, I’d be the loser. Truthfully, God wants our faith before any action; He wants our devotion before any gift.
My dad died in an avalanche when I was two on Thanksgiving Day. Throughout my childhood I blamed God for this tragedy. My mom raised four boys as an immigrant in the United States. Often when she was absent I turned to stealing, fighting and cursing. I inherited a dose of the Catholic faith attending church every Sunday. In my teen years, while living in a Catholic orphanage France, I found a version of God that would inspire a departure from the person I was becoming.
The Catholic faith introduced me to a life outside of my own selfish determination. Being surrounded by handicapped people in Lourdes for a pilgrimage spoke to my heart. Now I wanted to own my Catholicism, I took pilgrimages around the world, praying the rosary often, and back in America I thought of being a priest and submerging myself completely into Catholicism. In high school I was in a youth group, youth choir and did retreats. God was working in me, but I wanted to know why I believed in Jesus, and where Mary fit into my life. Inheriting a faith life makes grace and mercy difficult to understand especially when they are hinged on sacraments. Anxiety brewed in me about the uncertainty of forgiveness, the authority of the Pope, and the holiness of priests being vessels of salvation by ministering reconciliation and transubstantiation. Add to that an onslaught of negative sermons measuring sins: which is the worst one? I loathed my sins and believed that there was no guarantee for true forgiveness: I felt that with Jesus I'd end up hating myself.
College taught me original thoughts from humans. Philosophy and art was what I loved. The unseen, almighty God need no longer apply. I stopped going to mass. Shortly after my departure I remember wanting to say a prayer but my mind stopped it. Praying was no longer allowed if I want to be my own-self. Why are we all different if we are all to believe in the same single thing?
I felt so unique from everyone else. This brought me to a huge tolerance of music, politics, travel, and film. Freedom felt eminent and my sins felt good. Highly addicting sins like pornography, cigarettes, alcohol, and marijuana defined me daily. I enjoyed giving into my temptations and darkness was a place of self-discovery. I was a creative writer and a humorous thinker. My mind felt free, my artistic output flourished. Out of this passion grew a unique spirituality I called Existential Optimism. Buddhism and freestyle rhyming over hip-hop beats became my forms of worship to this seeming god of circumstance. I was fearless in exploring the dark side of human kind. I was to love myself completely because I loved my sins also.
When my brother/roommate/best friend Olivier became a believer a Christian trench appeared between us overnight. I hated the Christian thoughts in His head. I had be the bigger man and respect his choice or else he wouldn’t listen to my reasoning. But he was out to convert me, I would cry at his accusations of my way of life, I didn’t criticize his. What Self-righteousness he had to do that to me. I felt no wretchedness, no remorse for my sins; his timing hardened my hatrid for Jesus Christ. I started writing stories for college about our arguments mocking his copout move and his abandonment of self-discovery. Bitterly I satirized religion by creating my own called Nowism based on the alienation of the individual and how mere presence in every moment is reason to believe in god.
By now I really didn't think the Devil existed. Surprisingly sober minded one night, I believed that I had enlightenment and could be a reincarnation of Buddha. So one night I tried to reach Nirvana by fulfilling an obstacle course destined by god to prove my worthiness. It involved rearranging all the energies from every object around me to a positive solution. Frantically placing hot pads in freezers, and washing black clothes with white allowed me to create with the creator. I ran through the city of Chicago finishing my divine course by getting naked and running off a pier into lake Michigan. –I put all my faith in that jump to reach Nirvana. The next day I was arrested for being naked on the streets thinking everybody knew who I was and wanted to kill me. When the police asked me my name, I said I didn't have one. They asked me the time, I said that time did not exist.
I spent a month in a mental hospital diagnosed with form Schizophrenia and bi-polar. But the Christians closest to me knew it was a demonic possession. I convulsed as my friends and family prayed over me so that Jesus would reclaim the ownership of mind, body and soul.
A year after hospitalization my sins grew to include gambling, premarital sex, harder drugs and not loving myself. Satan intoxicated my thinking to convince me that I was second coming of Jesus Christ able to grant salvation and enrich the poor. I was instantly eternal and sent to solve the problems of the world and receive millions of dollars at any moment. This blaspheming lead to me tear up a Bible, urinate uncontrollably and return to the mental hospital two more times. After the mental hospital trips, I lived for three years, isolated, self-medicated depression, loathing, angry and lost.
The day I submitted all my trust and faith to Jesus Christ started out like a normal Friday except I watched Tyler Perry's “I Can Do Bad All By Myself.” A play on DVD recommended to me by my brother. One character in the play was so devastated at the evil that was tearing that family apart, she sang and rebuked Satan in the name of Jesus Christ, rattling the magazines, throwing the pillows, repeating "the Devil has no place in this house, go, get out in the name of Jesus." This is a striking scene for me considering my past belief in objects having energy. As I went to work, I turned the corner of my apartment building to see that my car had been stolen. After a cigarette, I returned to the apartment, called work, and dialed the police... As I waited I got down on my knees in my bedroom, closed my eyes and said:
"I forgot how to pray, but dear Jesus I can't do this, this weight is too much. Jesus I remember in the Bible You saying that You lift up burdens and give light ones. Well this is for you to take please, I'm not deserving. Jesus I give you my soul, please forgive me and take all that I am. I have failed on my own."
After, I went to each room in my apartment shook stuff up, and demanded that the Devil and his evil spirits be cast out in the name of Jesus Christ, who is Lord forever and owner of this space. The following days Satan tried to convince my mind that I never gave my life to Jesus, that that moment didn't happen. However, I had no car as the point of assurance. On November 10, 2006 I became a believer in Jesus and a member the Body of Christ.
I found Red Rocks Fellowship in the Yellow pages in time for Thanksgiving Sunday. On May 5, 2007 I gave my testimony in front of the congregation bringing all this to light. I was baptized at Red Rocks Fellowship on August 8, 2007. It was there that I became convinced of the connectedness of Christians to one another in the body of Christ. Praying for people I've never met was humbling and awesome. It was vital in knowing that I am no longer to live for myself.
Christ is the only center in God’s plan. My commitment to follow Christ starts with His indwelling Holy Spirit in my. In asking for mercy I lift my sin up in prayer and insist that Christ has forgiven it no matter my falls. Cravings once thought as insurmountable until death like cigarettes, gambling, and illegal drugs, are sins that were torn from me overnight. Others like drinking and lust require sanctification, prayer, and accountability in order to gain victory. I hate my sin, and all that I did to defy Jesus on my own.
My brain's detective work, my self-discovering, my search for truth was solved the day God accepted my faith in Jesus. My commitment to the Bible consists of an eager willingness to learn and obey its teachings. The Holy Spirit has blessed me to understand the Word like never before. It comes to life before me filling me with deep thoughts and awe and wonder. It is good for my soul to read the Word and not edit it. I’m eager and attentive during sermons –this is God we’re talking about. Not just ideas.
My heart is healing through God’s changes within me. Mega blessings have come my way such as a cheap home, a computer and promotions at work. My super sweet 83’ Celica is a reminder of God’s provision and the day I said yes to Christ’s deliverance from my sin. My continuation of commitment in Christ means that I'm going public professing to all that from now on I'm going to trust and turn to Christ with whatever happens to me.
When I first believed, the dam holding me tearless for years burst open and mercy sprung fourth. Jesus’ love for me was so emotive. I cried out of shame, regret and joy daily. The mockery and slander of Jesus Christ is over. My sin is exhausted. The brain washings by Satan are at the feet of Jesus. Jesus’ blood means that I am dearly loved by the Father. My schizophrenic illnesses are mere embarrassments of lifelessness without Jesus.
Seeing God’s will unfolding has brought tremendous meaning in my life. Giving God the total credit for all my successes is a delight I can live with. I’m filled with wonder about the life God has prepared for me. I’m still amazed that forgiveness is a certainty I can believe in!
This new creation that God has set apart, now prays on his knees. I worship the eternal Father without jealousy or envy like when I was sick. I serve in the high school youth group. I’m fed at my young adult groups. I am a tither, a Compassion kid sponsor. I floss my teeth and like how I look. I’m a leader at work. I stand up for what is right. I read the Bible everyday. I serve as I can and say yes to God’s calling me. Is it seminary? I don’t know. In learning His will I can find that out. I have rebuked poor fellowship. I have failed at evangelism. I have sinned and used the blood of Jesus daily. I still have a long way to go as a Christian worshiper. If I speak out of confidence, know that it is only Jesus who does this. My spiritual identity is in Him. My recommitment to God is constant as He elected me for service a year and 7 months ago.
Seminary shapes diligence in knowing God’s good and pleasing will. In hindsight, I look at what I did with my free will the presence of sin and evil: the Lord can do with me as He likes. My call is to be that recovered vessel that Jesus let live. Christ’s truth mixed with my servant efforts will help actualize increased obedience and joy.
As I read the suggested passages to asses my spiritual gift(s) Ephesians 4:13 caught my eye. If a gift is defined as a work in progress then this will do. Verses 11 and 12 are the first part of a run-on sentence that concludes in 13. Verses 12b into 13 says “so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.”(NIV) If that’s not a gift of the Spirit I don’t know what is.
Since asked about gifts in my possession, this introspection is difficult. I hope I didn’t choose a taboo gift or misunderstand what it means to distinguish between spirits. My past has made me learn (through my most broken spots) about the deception of spirits and how to distinguish them in contrast to the Holy Spirit’s work. Outwardly, I’ve been to evil places, seen energy in inanimate objects, was comforted by idols. Inwardly I have observed in my speech, creativity, action, dreams and thoughts what comes from a self-hoarded spirit, an intrusive evil spirit vs. that which is good, gentle and of God. Christ chose to redeem me. By Jesus I have no fear of these deceiving spirits. They are out cast and not welcome in my life. That is how I am able to distinguish spirits in the context of my life. Within others I’m not so sure.
My truest, simplest gift of the Spirit is teaching. I have compassion by the grace of God to relate to youth. Since the New Year, I have volunteered with the youth. I see them one foot in, and one foot out of a God-willed life and a self-willed life. I am a committed volunteer in student ministry at my church. It feeds me in accountability and challenges me to explain the seriousness of sin and the priceless unmatchable gift of Jesus Christ. I initiate the activities and challenge the prayer life of the group. I have led the middle school group and the young adult group through assigned curriculums a handful of times. I have a one on one discipleship that gives way to spiritual growth and a Christ-like example of love and encouragement. I have not preached to any group. I have shared the Gospel with about thirty of the broken non-Christians in my life. I’ve learned many lessons from this especially about how God is the one doing the turning to Jesus. Truthfully too I’ve been in situations where I felt like hiding the light God has declared me to be. I’m still forgiven, free and dearly loved by God through His Word, His Son and His plans for me.
