Sunday, September 30, 2007

Root canals, nerve endings, and a crown of thorns

1,500 Root canal and crown
-400 for having approved insurance
-763 Insurance coverage

I slapped down new plastic before the secretary could say: "$337.00 Dollars please." It was a new one, I called to activate it earlier that day. I still haven't signed the back. Honestly I'm embarrassed that I got a credit card for my copayment.

Two weeks of poping Advil and enduring spiking pain lead to a painful three hours in a chair, jaw opened with a doorstop looking thing and a Dentist drilling to the root of the matter. Somewhere between the novocane and the late afternoon appointment, as my dentist talked to her assistant about loosing loved ones in amusement parks, I called out to God. It's not that I couldn't handle the remainder of the pain, but God allows me to be in a state of prayer no matter the endeavor. There's doubt that my dentist was focusing on me, there's consequences to paying with a credit card, and so I prayed about this. Since I didn't know when the pain would jolt my nerve, I just focused on the dentistry in Jesus' time and the affliction they had to endure since modern science was closer to cave man tactics back then.

The kicker is this: once drilled to the end of the tooth-root, the dentist grabs these long two inch spikes and files the hole until its clean enough and deep enough for the warm gooey filling. To confirm proper workmanship, we took an x-ray with one of these spikes sticking half in/half out of my tooth. As the hours carried on I grew more tense and wrestless. But I insisted that Christ knew my pain and what I was going through though never shot with novocane. My prayers started sounding circular: "It'll be great to eat without pain again, thanks God. I can't imagine what the billions of people in the world do when they are in tooth pain with no dentist. Ouch that hurt, Send your Holy Spirit to heal and blanket this pain, you have the healing power God I need this. Help me endure this really needs to be a lesson for me." -Something similar to that over and over. The dental lesson was: rinse with a fluride mouth wash, brush twice and floss daily. Until death!

God's lesson came back on the X-ray. The point of the spike was like an inch inside me. All the pain, squirming. complaining stopped long enough for me to imagine the crown of thorns. An object of the crucifixion I forget or never really gave much thought to. Until that day at the dentist looking at that single spike (versus the many on the crown of Christ). I remember being told that rose branches in that region have really long thorns. So Jesus' brain which is the center for all the nerves, harbored needle-like thorns brutly placed.

I'm not trying to embellish the pain tolerance of Christ or His spiritual centeredness to have endured such pain. -One glimpse of this in my heart made me see how I needed a wambulance and quiet refuge in God because Jesus suffered and died for me. Jesus Christ chose to dwell in pain for the completion of God the Fathers' promises to me. What an act of faith to count on an unjustly tortured man to bear what I deserve: until death. And my, what a laughable fraction of suffering/panic it took in a dentist chair to wonder: how did Christ hang on! May I have the willingness to share what Christ painfully endured to remove God's wrath from us and all. The crown of thorns is the only crown my Savior carries until my death which brings me to Him.

Friday, September 21, 2007

"And we all shine on, like the moon, the stars and the sun"

Somewhere submerged in the worries of the days, the trends of conversations and the motives of my follies I had a thought. Someone dear to me suggested Karma playing a deciding role in their decisions: small like litering to big like spending time with the elderly. These virtues were actuated for Karmic kudos. This is all very "what's in it for me" kind of thinking. Though this person practices Christianity I wanted to investigate my limited knowledge of the Bible and what it says in regards to Karmic law. This is not a study, just a curiosity.

My understanding of Karma is the active energy in the earth, people, and time combining with past actions and choices to bring us full circle to reinfluence and determine what one faces today. A sort of reincarnation of events and feelings.

The most effective Christian parallel might be that you will reap what you sow. Still off though, because salvation hinges on faith not action or words. So a Believer, despite reaping pain and suffering here (due to bad sowing); they could still find relyance and eternal rest in the Lord. Whereas the Karmic tallier might carefully sow to find a future lucrative in reaping. But those self calculations leave trust in an almighty God expendable.

Karma isn't invalid, it does tap into dimensions worthy of discribing God that a Christian could agree with. Like the saying "they're gonna get what's coming to them." Despite the judgement call on the spokesperson, it eccos the Bible's claim that revenge is the Lord's. To a Christian, revenge is not ours for the calculating or executing. This act of trusting in God plan is similar to the way karmic law is supposed to play out. Except when Karma doesn't get that person and anger sets in how to control those feelings? With God there's prayer, His word and the Holy Spirit. What happens in Karma, does that person rethink their tit-for-tat logic or summon demonic voo-doo dolls?

Karma seems to endorse a turn the other cheek attitude to objects, animals, actions and people too. Something very akin to the message of loving your enemies that Jesus taught. I think Christ mainly kept it to people though. I love the enviornment too, but not like I love people. That said, I don't think a tootsie roll wrapper dropped in the mall food court will have rippling reprocussions the way instant Karma might induct... Does Karma see the heart? I know God does.

My single favorite hymn as of yet is "Trust and Obey" the lyrics go something like; "trust and obey/ for there's no other way/ to be happy in Jesus/ than to trust and obey." This is talking about the Romans 12:1 factor. A believer once embodied in the mercy and light of Christ, sets out to be a functioning part the body of Jesus on earth. That connectedness is not elitest, its precious and well discribed in the Bible. Sacrifice becomes logical (learn and follow), believers are challenged to give without expecting return. God has a great will, and its full; of hope, of fairness of love (just the get the ball rolling). My will is conforming to Christ the teacher. I gave karma up for a Christian belief system that is never vague and sometimes mysterious.

Faithfulness in Jesus reaps the gace of God. "Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into your hearts, the Spirit who calls out 'Abba Father'. So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir." (Galations 4:6-7)

Thursday, September 20, 2007

filling out the gaps in singlehoodbluesland

Paradigm shift! -I love saying that. Coming to trust Jesus at a late age (where many are set in their ways)makes me know the saying paradigm shift. That being the paramount turning point in life. A colossal change of heart which inturn, will transform all of me. Keep in mind, when I let Christ into my life, I wasn't ready to quit drinking, smoking, cussing or any sin. God just overwhelmingly revealed to me that truth is not subjective or relative to a individual's own experiance.

The truth within me before my personal relationship with Christ was: my journey of self discovery, my allegaince to love, my knowledge of the cultural world around me, and also my tollerance of each unique person. These are drowning virtues even with determination hope and interest fades.

So now I'm claiming Christ, and as I grow through my paradigm shift I come armed with prayer. What privilage it is to do so, I've casted fears of Satan in prayer, I've surrendored my addictions slowly but surely through prayer, I've come to pray for hundereds -even enemies. Praying is a excersize of faith that lets me not fear the future. I'm not scared of dying, or my provisions, or what others think. I just am pleased to pray to God, granted He's all knowing but I can't quite comprehend the exact extent of what that means. I don't even pay that close attention to what I'm thinking of sometimes; So I pray.

Now I'm new and it hasn't even been a year and God has place sin after sin on my heart and made me ask "Nic do you really need this?" These were addictions I was ready to take to the grave with me. Instead, I called on the stregnth of the Holy Spirit and the plan of God the Father, to let Jesus forgive me and apply shears to my branches that have grown wild and weak.

So, after a period of having a hard time falling asleep without my self prescribed sleep aides (liquor and weed), I just keep busy till I'm tired. And stay patient as I toss and turn in bed. I do write which is something that I'm slowly reenabling. I got time on my hands to please others with cookies, calling and sharing. My life is cleaner and busier. Doing stuff like flossing, writing shoping lists, sleeping eight or more hours, trying new things.

This is a letter to promote only the love of the Savior of the world: Jesus Christ. It feels good to say it and while an unbeliever I was annoyed by these claims. Now I know the truth and seek its' exactitude in the Bible. I look at myself differently now, Optimistically. I look to play my part in Christ's body on earth. To live up to the claims God makes in the Bible when discribing His children (there are many).

I pray for patience as I am alone, I've separated myself from the fruitless avenues of my past. I'm not to return if i fill myself with the right things. And fill my life with the right people. -Lord your my provider- and so for fellowship development I got two Bible studies, chruch, Awana and a young adult group. For servanthood I'm joining the Boys and Girls club as a volunteer for four hours a week, work and family inbetween. I cherish this departure from the brainwashing and deception that this world strained on me. At the same time i'm in the unique position to testify as a star witness for Jesus on cases involving addiction, art, philosophy, writing, music, mental illnesses, film, Frenchness, travel, tennis (the scoring can be very decieving.) I just wanted to write something and i didn't really have a story to tell, just how anxious i feel starting over after this paradigm shift and the immense possibilities it yeilds. Peace out.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Quandary Peak photo journey














Sunday, September 16, 2007

On a seven hour Quandary

I got my tent drying on the living room floor and my tent fly on my dining room table. i often find myself thinking how many extra hours are spent on pre &post camping chores. And for what: Last night was the battle of the bulge. Right where my ribs lay, there too was a bulging shrub. Bumps are aviodable when setting up in daylight; However, we set up camp at 9:00 PM with the help of car head lights. The stars were out in the millions that night. My overly hot indoor blanket felt more like covering up with a beach towel. No match for the cold. I slept little, even with a sleeping pill.

Morning came at 6:00 and the hike of Quandary Peak started at 7:00. The introductory leg of the climb presented yellowing aspens and quaint nooks for photo opportunities. This was to be a walk in the park, the distance was three miles less than Grays and Torres. I had no anxiety about doing this climb, my confidence was more like: "Lets do this and get back to Denver by 2:00 cause the Broncos are on."

At an hour in, thunder could be heard and rain poured down. we were just under timberline meaning that we sought shelter in a clump of trees. A neo-mountain-sport-enthusiast came cruising down our rocky, slick and steep trail on a unicycle! I would have been totally impressed should he be juggling oranges too. What's next. ('course that's probably what people thought when skis were invented). The storm dumped loads of heavy, wet rain and passed after a total of five minutes. Clouds were cruising by. Many climbers higher up (above the tree line) were soaked and headed back down dispite the newly blue sky. We (me, my super courageous 5 year old neice isabelle, brother Will and his wife Katie) were only slightly soaked. Our pace/momentum was a fight to regain and rocks now were wet. We kept on climbing.

The zig-zaging trail stops right about the time the trees do; what happens then is a 2 mile, 2,000 foot elevation gain. It was very much a stairmaster-in-the-sky climb (no switch backs, just good ole fashioned vert). This too is our first glimpse of the top (not encouraging), it was surrounded by grey clouds with our names on it. Very nerve racking: The ramifications were cruising in my head. "what if" senarios galore. who knew that mountain climbing was such a psychological trial, this climb was supposed to be chill and affirming.

Keep in mind that my thoughts were largely in a state of prayer (even pre-weather problems). I was thinking about my church assembling at exactly this time. I reflected on how vital it was to be a Believer and placing others above ourselves. But the blame game took over: "who's idea was it to hike this high this late in the summer?" etc... The grey was upon us. I commited my future of this hike to God as omnipotent designer of my day/life.

Then, as a gift from God, All my thoughts and heart funneled on the story of the apostles in the boat during a squall (huge storm). All the while Jesus is sleeping below the deck. The apostles wake Him. And Jesus says "you of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then He got up and rebuked the wind and all was still. So that's a totally amazing gift to a man who was freaking out about the storm.

Right then my brother turns to me and asks if we should build a wind shelter to cover ourselves since the storm was knocking. It worked, stones three feet tall and four feet long. We piled in as the wind started whiping around. The rain was strong in the valley, we were bracing for a dose on the ridge. It skipped us and left a rainbow from the base of the valley out to the summit and ridge of Quandry. I'm a huge rainbow spotter, all my life I like to look for rainbows when symptoms are just right. We had lunch since we were stopped. Ten minutes later its blue sky.

Back to the task at hand, building momentum again and trusting the summit to God's will. Those steps were steep often two feet up from one another and slightly wet. A new song filled my head: "He's glorious, He's glorious. Jesus Christ reigns victorious." Over and over. God was once again yeilding His power within me, sending me up the ridge cause I was spent. Katie even offered music to me; but I resided in peacefulness (save my heavy breathing). I didn't get dizzy or light headed -I did make it to the top around 11:30. We took pictures, had some Hike n' Mike's (mike n' ike's), some summit bears (gummy bears) and headed back down cause the wind was rolling out another storm stat!

Unlike my descent from Grays and Torres (where I was caught up in socializing and sunshine); coming down Quandary was pious prayer. We were getting pelted with snow -not flaky, fluffy snow, but itsy-bitsy bullets that hurt exposed skin. The wind was propelling these suckers super fast. A curtain of snow speeding from the clouds to the bottom of the valley intimidated my inner scantuary. I kept the images of the Bible passage forementioned in my mind.

The rocks were wet, saturated with color. In the midst of it all I just started thinking of others. People were hiking up, facing the snow pellets, wetness, and incline. I encouraged them and I prayed for their safety once they passed me. Placing others first is really a job that is imperative to work at, yet never attained much like righteousness or holiness. I thanked God for the people who think of me in prayer ahead of their own requests. I sang out softly because my breath was with me now. My coat and fleece were just warm wetness like a sauna. After about fifteen minutes the sun appeared. I'm talking to my sister in law about how she dealt with the psycho-meteorological trials of the day. I confessed my relyance on prayer and God's all powerful control of my faith. Some uphill hikers were in earshot of it and after there was no reaction I blurted out "that's how I roll."

A thought that lingers would be God's reassurance to His servants when they are stricken with fright. Three storms, one summit, a unicycle, and a rainbow makes this hike epic on a faith level. This was uber exhausting again. I did address what hell my body went through to feel this way and how Isabelle ain't even sore. ahh childhood. I'm spent and renewed till my next fourteener.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

My Crew and Mountain Toppings







Labor day of laboring legs





Tuesday, September 4, 2007

anxiety, doubt & fear in the belly of a whale

Anxiety is a common thought process to a Bi-Polar person. Anxiety coupled with fear leads me to a state of doubt. I faced this mental sin today. Not doubting on my faith, maybe just doubting that it's God's will to get me to 14,200+ feet twice in one day (as was the plan). -Definate mental blockage. To come clean I'm 6'4, 290 pounds, heavy drinker until recently, ex-smoker after ten years and Marijuana for seven. My physical body is regenerating from the muck I've become in the 28 years of my unbelieving. that aside, lets keep in mind the running theme of God as all powerful.

5:00 AM departure and arrival at 6:45 we git our hike on after a four mile FWD trail in a Jeep. Half of the crew; my brother, mother, neice and sister-in-law left without waiting for us as they spent the night up at the trail head. Steady climb, I'm sweating in under five minutes according to my T-shirt. My breath is panting triple-time in the early, brisk mountain air. Feeling out of my element and talking in my head about excuses to avoid the top. I'm hiking with my neighbors and their friend -all of whom have never climbed a fourteener before. I have climbed thirteen but none in the last ten years!! Can you feel the grip of anxiety tightening? About twenty minutes into the climb we see the peaks Gray's and Torres...

Two of them, two and a half miles from sea level. It dawns on me, I signed up for a 3,000 foot elevation gain and nine mile round trip if both is attained. Enter the doubt into my conciousness. I'm dragging the crew's pace, their encouraging though. I finished a liter of water within 45 minutes, "The first hour's the worst" I told myself. I was strickly breathing out of my mouth and went through the catalog of praise songs dwelling in my head and heart. Though no vocal utterance, it was sung within. I felt a headache coming on -and why couldn't my brother have waited for us surly my neice could have encouraged me. Another hour goes by, that was easier because the trail was leading us up above timber line and into the amphitheatre where the peaks join into the valley. With me at the foot of the vertical ascent I cringed with fear. This was an authentic David and Goliath moment.

On the trail, there are rock stacks indicating that you are on the right path. Well just where the trail hits the ascent is this little lady seated with banana chips, a hand knitted hat, and a first edition North Face backpack (ole'school). Since my neighbors were ahead they recognized her as my mom and that got me fired up. That was the end of her climb, how amazing to me was her willingness/desire to climb yet couldn't. We chatted and mom pointed out my brother and his wife and kid. I mustered my best Swiss alpinist voice and shouted for William. My neice Isabelle waved, they were a football feild away. I was like "we'll catch'em in no time." I tried climbing double time, it was a manifestation of happiness to see my neice. The cat and mouse game begun and whatever anxiety I had was gone for a moment.

Shortly after, I hit a sort of exertion-wall. Breathing aside, my head felt really light and a dizzying effect settled in. I stopped to eat an apple and polish off my second liter of water. My hip also was making a plea for attention, my calf muscles felt rock hard and totally strained. I got overwhelmed. My fellow climbers didn't know the panic I was in other than the dizziness, it was up to God, I tried my best and fell short.

I prayed, and this thought entered my head: Christ knows what its like to have over-exerted calf muscles. I had the imagery of Jesus carrying the cross and falling and seeing Him get up again and again. And, (like the consolidating of anxiety leading to doubt) came a culmination of worship. Applying trust in Christ gave me a prayer for the remorse I felt for treating my body so badly for many years.

Each step became recovery. Bible quote after Bible quote I came to realize that it was God's all powerful driving force inching me up that mountain. -Don't misunderstand me, its not like I put on Holy-high tops and I bounced on up to the summit. I remained powered-out but not in my heart. Every hundred feet I'ed stop to catch my breath, this made a patient climb for my buddies. Hold everything... Its Isabelle (my little mouse) from up top shouting down at me that she made it. I told her that I wished I was there but to save me a spot.

This internal purging seemed so necessary if I am to follow where the Lord leads me... Or else, the next thing you know is me being stuck in the belly of a whale. yuck.

Back to the top of Gray's we go. I'm there and so is the wind. My hands get crazy cold and we're on the wrong side of the wind shelter. I get hugs from my crew and my super-cool neice and her parents. Photo's, five minute lunch, and a choice to make: Should we do Torres peak too? Its only a mile more since the mountains are connected by a drooping ridge. The dizziness left me. Isabelle's party alreay hit the trail towards the second summit. My climbing buddies were wanting to give it a go. So I said: "If you guys want to wait for me and go at my pace I'll give it a shot." We did.

The trail to the other peak goes two feet from edge showing a thousand foot drop at least five times enroute to the summit. I'm not completely afraid of heights (if there is a retaining barrier). I remembered the night before, a friend telling me that Torres is dangerous when there's lots of wind. Now though I was too preoccupied with breathing and being dizzy again. I got up to the summit relying on God, turning my life over to Him in this time of helplessness.

Other climbers just loved seeing my five year old neice. While she's getting a high five from a stranger my sister-in-law says: "Isabelle was doing some whining until she saw you. Not everyone's got an uncle Nico who challenges her to get to the top first. That really motivated her."

I replied: "She was the one I was dying to reach." Great how unknowingly inspiring we were to one another. The sun came out on the way down, I was pleased that I was able to make both summits and still have gummy bears leftover. Talking on the way down wasn't a problem, but where was my worship now that I can help myself? I retreated to the back of the pack; Proclaimed victory and thanksgiving to God, and thought it possible to rely on God this much every day. It is very possible. I grabbed a three pound rock with lyken ((misspelled?) a neon green moss that mountain goats love). I drank over a gallon of water.

I turned to God and asked for help throughout the hike. In prayer, I surrendered my mind and body to Jesus Christ asking for forgiveness from anxiety,fear and doubt. I totally trust that Jesus knows what I'm going through and how it feels. So by grace, the Holy Spirit redeemed what was preventing me from summiting those mountaintops -and the ones in my future.

None of this story, this trip or even this blog entry was my glory, hard work or reveal. It God proving the love of Christ alive in one of His children on earth. Now I'm still leaving out lots, but one more mention on my heart is this: "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."(Eph2:10) I am (we are) created in Christ! God's letting me know that unbelievers need Christ if they are to become fully what God made them for. I chewed on that verse and placed anxiety onto Christ's crucifixion hoping for a wholeness with God. Living to do the good works that God has prepared me to do. yipee!!