Prayer Warriors,
We dearly miss Simon’s lead and example at bedtime. Renee followed Simon and loved his little bedtime rituals more than I did. They ran around in pajamas, eating a bunch of raw veggies and fruit because dinner didn’t “taste good”, they often helped our nurse in doing Anna’s care plan, and if they were wound-up just right they’d jump on the couch too. Bedtime now recalls only an impression of those things that once were so common. My hope is that the Lord will fill Renee with new bedtime rituals that she will impart to Victor as effectively as Simon did with his.
At bedtime Renee has a list of excuses to not settle down. If daddy is putting her down, she asks for Mommy and vice versa. The next trick is the cup of water, then the need to pee. After comes story time, it’s impossible to skip story time! Renee asks for the same story reread three times as she clutches onto her blanket tighter than before. Then onto another book reread three times. Her mind races as her limbs are restless beneath a weighted blanket. As I turn off the light, she continues to move incessantly while chewing on her blanket. She remains inappropriately loud with ideas; Renee talks about things make-believe, like her purple house and her kids. Every so often she will even find a creative reason for me to turn on the light again.
I have learned that once Renee insists and I deny her, no matter the consequence she will proceed to insist, she doesn’t relent. What’s new is reaching a melt-down point. She loses control of her feelings due to being so fixated on her desire. Then Renee will act out in screaming and flailing around, taking 10-15 minutes for her to calm down. I feel I am bending over backwards to help her to fall asleep. When Renee finally does flip that switch into dreamland it is sudden and the teeth grinding is soon to follow. She sleeps well once asleep but bedtime remains an emotional tempest.
Pray for wisdom, speak up if you know firsthand how to help shepherd a child through loss or PTSD. I feel like we should not lighten up the discipline, however Lindsey helps me see what non-verbal, post-trauma grief can be as experienced by a 3-year-old. Lindsey challenges me to see these patterns and to forebear them rather than discipline my way through them. It irks me especially when I am so tired as well and the bedtime routine turns into a two-hour ordeal.
It is the Lord, through this hardship with Renee, that has shown me that the death of a loved one is a heart battle. Renee creates her own bedtime scenario with her heart, utilizing only the words and behaviors she feels. I instruct her often to “make good choices” or “don’t lead with your feelings.” Only to ask myself if I abide by that advice in my grief. Losing beloved Simon caused my heart to break. How can I guard my heart and keep it tender before Yahweh? I am convinced that Satan loves how death and mourning are taboo subjects, prone to isolate the bereaved. I see some people that loved Simon wading in loss as it gives way to despair; at best, they are doggie paddling through heartbreak. They avoid checking in with us, struggling alone, band-aided by “could have’s”, “should have’s”, “would have’s”; perhaps a dysfunctional type of idol is being hoisted up from within, bitter, stiff-hearted with no consolation.
Relational Jesus, my kind, good, Shepherd King, the victor over death, offers me swimming lessons to move effectively through the tides of cold heartbreak; As I read His Word, He’s teaching me strokes to straighten my swim in the sorrow, bringing a ministry of healing into my heart.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6
Looking around I see it’s not just in death that my heart wants to lead but in many matters. I hear my heart demanding things get done in my timeframe, not God’s. Before conversion, I wired myself to let my heart lead my decisions, observations, and mood, I messed things up. My actions become wildly hard to handle with thoughts departing from truth and self-centeredness in the driver’s seat. My senses were kings to be obeyed. As an artist back in the day that type of heart leading was my go-to.
I don’t think God is asking me to ignore what my heart feels either. My heart is a big part of this journey. When a prayer warrior replies it often brings me joy and encouragement. My heart and mind are open to the counsel of people who have walked with Jesus through similar suffering, or walked with Him longer than me. I feel equipped by the many books that wisely contribute stories of walking in the valley of the shadow of death with eyes fixed on the Lord. My heart is in full swing when I show care and concern for what my bride expresses and desires. I resonate fully, with a warm heart when she tells me: “I wasn’t done loving him.” In faith I ask, let it be said of me like it was said of Asa:
“Asa’s heart was fully committed to the Lord all his life.” 2 Chronicles 15:17
I want Jesus more than I want my son back. In Him I get both!! This love and faith I have placed in Jesus, His living in me, and promises that He supplies in the Bible that fill my mind with words and actions amid the loss of Simon. It’s tempting to let my heart led then I will look more like Renee at bedtime, losing control of my feelings due to being so fixated on my desire. Instead I’m hopeful in Christ.
Praise the Lord for:
-Our new night nurse who just finished her first week of work with us. This is answered prayer at its finest, Alleluia. We went just one week without a nurse (the last time we needed one it took 9 months).
-Continued strengthening of Anna post op. We have her follow-up with the surgeon a week from Monday. Things are on the mend.
-Victor keeping us on the edge of our seats as we try and spot his first steps, he is on the cusp!
-Genuine, ongoing check-ins with brothers and sisters in Christ who were acquaintances and are now key players in encouraging us regularly.
Please Pray for:
-Wisdom and grace for guiding Renee. That her belief in the Lord would guide her attitude and feelings.
-Rest at night and refreshing for the road ahead for each of us.
-Mercy, love, and guidance as we map out the holidays and offer our plans up to God.
-Marital unity as we seek what the Lord has prepared for us.
-Guidance regarding Anna's schooling and care as we are back to square one after trying different things.
-God to strengthen us in seeking His joy
With Love,
Nic
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