I am the son of a strong woman. All throughout, females have shaped my life more than men. Although my three brothers come close. I admire and respect women. God has placed such beauty in women that even when out of the light of God men still desire them. Out of my past influences, I am able to look past the surface beauty of a women.
The Frenchman in me fills my mind with a chance to "love again" -as I felt so in love many years ago, for a brief couple of years. Christ wasn't the center of our love so the Devil helped exhaust it. I lost my virginity to her because I felt love, it was so meaningful I thought. I was even proud that I waited 23 years for a "true love". The French mindset preserves ideals of romantic love that I still get caught up in. The courting really gets me (and Edith Piaf's music). However I'm not a player, cassanove or even flirtatious. Sometimes I don't think I'm even good looking or a "catch".
God will be faithful to me as I continue to devote my life to Him. I'm not in a place where I can lead, provide and make promises to a girlfriend yet. Still, I desire to know her, I want to meet the person I've been praying for under the name "my wife" (maybe Jane Doe would work too). God's prepairing in us both His works and blessings. I keep dating to a wife hunt, not some social thing meant for hot summer nights. If women are naturally beautiful, how radiant and beautiful is a women thirsting and testing the Word of God. Hottie boombalattie!
In my wife I have hope, reassurance of her devotion to God. That way, I am certain of where she'll go after her death. I don't "lay the mac", I don't play because I trust in the amazing gifts God has for me within my wife. So that's my hope. Now about: the wait, and letting sins run dry.
Going at God's speed is so different. I still get swept away by attraction which is healthy to an extent. My attractions are often decieving, absent of maturity, and plagued by the stain of sexual immorality. I get really intense, really curious, really fast, then its gone. Before I knew Christ, I knew Satan's deceptions immensly. Sex is one of his strongholds condemning earned self-discipline by a fleeding pleasure which can be found at climax.
After I had sex (what I thought was love), my eyes darkened and the flood gates opened: not on a sex level. But lusting, poisoning my long kept admiration of women and developing relationships with two dimensional graphics. Porn, the poor man's hooker. I felt no shame in staring, glaring and coveting.
Today I hate what Satan did to my eyes and long held beliefs. I am in a better place now: to be Christ-like is to look at the heart. At my young adult group we talked about homosexuality and without a doubt. God has placed another addiction of mine to the forefront. God has committed my attention to pornography. Sexual sin is deeply rooted in my psychological make up. Mankind's unique ability to experiance intimacy is why this sin dwells on my heart and history so obviously, even though I'm a follower of Christ.
I hate it. Lust and pornography has decieved me and endangered my hope of knowing God and the wife He has planned for me. Today I destroyed another item of pornography. I prayed about it. -I'm out... Since I became a believer I have gone in circles: Owning some, throwing it away, weeks go by, I lust sexually for someone again, I'm repulsed at it being someone I know, so I go buy some porn and feel casual because I don't know the women in it.
Satan wants to pawn off intimacy as casual feel good sex; like some kind of loose weight fast infomercial with a bonus offer if you call right now. When actually its vulnerable, loving and binding. I sinned against God; and added to that, its a sin against the person with whom I slept with, lusted after and even viewed in porn.
I have prayed often that the women I've slept with might forgive me, moreover God and moreover the women that I hope to marry. What a mess, a tangled and mangled thing that only Christ could make straight. I've written letters to that lost lover, i'll never send them. They consist of asking for forgiveness for sexual immorality in light of my accpeting Jesus as personal savior.
Whats left is trying to rid myself of masturbation. After the act, I'm guilty and dejected. I can buy and throw away porn all day long. what am I to do with something stuck to me? I have shared with Christian men who have/had twice the temptation regarding this. Still I am convinced in the will power of my mind being wed to God's holy word and creating victory over sin time and time again. (See the previous blog entry for proof.)
The hope I have is the last aspect of this entry. It is a hope founded firstly on The Lamb of God's final sacrifice for atonement from sin, the death and ressurrection. Jesus is all truth and I am loved by Him, taught by Him and cleaned my Him. As this reaches His body of believers please pray for my deliverance from this Devil-headlock. I Give it up in confession to renew my hopes to have a Godly intimacy one day. I await to be childlike once more so women regain that source of admiration I have forgotten about.
