Dear Praying Friends,
All praise to Christ the author and finisher of my faith. As time has gone on without Simon, so has the bouts with mourning his loss. Thinking of my son is daily but the grief, shock, and the hole in my life are less sharp. I had a good cry this morning – “Happy birthday Son”. It's become routine that I will think of him and before it unravels into despair or wishing things were different, I surrender to the constructs of my faith. I have learned to rest on these faith pillars:
1 Thank God ceaselessly. God is the interventionist Alpha and Omega. He is sovereign. Therefore, I count it no mistake that Simon’s days were all perfectly purposed. God has lifted up my head again and again by graciously accepting my thankfulness for the gift of Simon. For me, finding joy in this trial (as we are urged to do according to the Bible) only came through thanks. I don’t give a stubborn thanks to God either, rather a tenderhearted one. On this side of heaven, without knowing the fullness of “why”, I don’t think God is ever asking me to conclude “thanks for taking Simon from me.” Yet like the waking of the dawn, there is evidence of goodness rising from this loss.
Another Divine example of grace is found in the hymn we selected to sing while in Lindsey’s womb. God led us to choose Thanks to God for my Redeemer. At the time we picked it because the doctors were telling us that we may have another special needs kid. So, this hymn gave us the resolve of courage, to praise God regardless of what Simon would be like when he arrived. We sang that song often in utero, at his birth, at some of his birthdays. Unbeknownst to us, God knew how vital and precious this hymn would be in keeping us in His fold amid this valley of death. I sing it every time I visit Simon’s grave. Renee and Victor request “Simon’s song” semi- frequently. If you are not familiar with it, it has three verses, no chorus, the word “thanks” is said 27 times, and the author makes it clear to thank God for both the good and bad in life. Thankfulness is so useful in sorrow; it is spiritual armor for that valley.
2 Look for the Good. Like a father who is genuinely proud of the things his son accomplishes in academics, athletics, and in holiness, so I am genuinely proud of the good things that have come from the loss of Simon. They include conversions, new friendships, a bigger heart for the homeless, greater empathy for those who lose loved ones, and countless moments led by the Holy Spirit indicating Christ with us! By faith God is the author of my life; He has given me responsibilities to steward like raising kids, spiritually leading my family, and now to walk worthy of Christ without Simon. Looking for the good in my loss means I am stewarding this trail in hope and faith.
The most good losing Simon did for me spiritually is that it challenged me to see the Scriptures as hope for the times to come. I went to seminary to grasp a biblical worldview and to apply Scriptures to my current life, life as I know it. Now however, I found myself digging for future things as told by God’s Word. I’ve found the hope of heaven is not pie in the sky. It challenged me to think if I really do believe all these wonderful promises as actual things to come for those in Christ Jesus. Honestly, there is a choice I made early on when I asked myself, “do I really believe in seeing him again?” I long to, I want to, but that sentimentalism won’t make it happen. What does make reunion possible is that Almighty God assures it in Scripture, and He does not lie.
3 Remember Simon’s contribution to my family. I have often told my kids how God created the world and all things, and He realized it wasn’t complete or good until He created them. Last year, I read most of a book that argues that the best family models in the Bible are found in the Old Testament rather than the New. The author spends time comparing and contrasting a first century family and a modern family. The role of children becomes his greatest contrast. He states that our children have become devalued and have no identity. Like it's up to them to find it, rather than to base their identity on the family context. Feeling depended on is tremendous to a child. So I prayed asking what that means when a child is no longer with us. Does he remain vital to the story of the family and its unity? I have become passionate to know that my son still serves a purpose and plays a role in the lives of our other children. By God’s grace, this shows up every time we dream and wonder what Simon is doing in heaven. His heavenly status brings our minds to visit the goodness of proper reverence and worship and song.
I have a personal note about Simon’s continuing role as my son. Simon spent his life often seeking my approval and seeing if I was proud of him. I thank God that I can honestly say that he knew how delighted I was to be his father. What’s interesting is that the bible gives examples of moments when people in heaven receive glimpses into the ongoing affairs of the earth. By faith, I find that the tables have turned; now I am the one hoping that when Simon receives a peek from his heavenly disposition, that he would approve of my life here on earth and be proud of me. Yes I know that theologically that ultimately it doesn’t matter. However, this change of role compels me to take the high road in trials because I taught him about faith.
4 Keep singing and talking to God.
Thanks for walking with us.
Nic, Lindsey, Anna, Simon, Renee, and Victor
