God's Got Good for the Currats

 Dear Prayer Warriors,

The tears and sadness shed at my daughter Anna’s birth remain so distant as we celebrated with great joy her 12^th birthday two weeks ago. I wept gallons or so it seemed during her 7 week stay at the Evanston Northshore NICU. The banner over us during that time would have read, “God’s got good for Anna!” These were the absurd words from our faith provoking pastor at the time. We did take it in faith, rather than rejecting the claim based on the medical testing indicating extensive brain damage and a prognosis of disability. The hospital was a time marked with people from church who would come to support us in prayer and share a meal with us. Although I’ve shared this story years ago, it’s on my heart to repeat. I clearly recall a lady with an unknowing Word for me. It was the kind of message that could easily have been taken the wrong way given our fragile situation and I would have bluntly shown her the door, but God helped us receive this message. Similar to “God’s got good for Anna.” This lady helped us see with eyes of faith.

 

 We returned home from spending the day at the hospital. Those were exhausting days with lots of praying. Lindsey and I were tired and thankful that an old lady was coming over with a meal. It was someone we had never met before. Anna’s traumatic birth and our petitioning the church for prayer made it so that everyone knew us, at the time, we only knew a handful of families mostly our age. We were the couple from the inner city who drove 30 minutes to the wealthy Northshore to go to church. We had been attending that church for about a year when Anna was born. It's surprising that an old lady would sign up to manage the city streets and drop off a meal to us.  That night, we were hoping for a food drop off at the door, with little to no small talk, and us eating out of containers on the couch. Truthfully, our inner-city, basement apartment was seldom visitor ready especially after weeks of being in survival mode at the hospital.

 

The old church lady rang the bell, I climbed the stairs to answer the door and she promptly handed me a couple of bags. She announced “I’d like to set things up for you if I may.” And followed me down the stairs. She introduced herself as someone who worked with handicapped children in the school districts; her hands were busy arranging the clutter on the table, piling paperwork, homework, and cards of encouragement perhaps like a pushy mother-in-law would do. She placed the clothes on one of the harder to reach chairs. Once the clutter was tidy and enough room was made for the contents in her bag, she laid out nice disposable placemats and several courses made from scratch. I sat at one of the chairs at the table, tired, the conversation made it so that I wasn’t really aware of all she was doing. This meal was going a little overboard on the details as she placed flowers on the table and pulled out the last accent on dinner: the sparkling grape juice. She looked at the set-up, then looked at us defeated first-time parents, and smiled as if her mission was accomplished. Then full of the Spirit she said “there, you’re overwhelmed, I know your daughter remains in the hospital and you can’t be with her. Your trial right now is all you can think about. God is with you. One day your life will be about celebrating her birthday and you will focus more on this type of stuff.” As she pointed out to the elegant spread before us. She left right after that statement leaving behind a table that looked like we were celebrating rather than being beat down.

 

We believed that “God has got good for Anna.” We couldn’t see it, the doctors weren’t saying it, the test suggested otherwise, but it compelled me in faith!! Why? Not because of Anna, but because God is good! I’m so thankful for those words of my pastor and that of the old lady that drove my mind into faith rather than fear. Her gesture of hospitality ministered to me so much. There will be a day when God rights every wrong! Until then, one of the biggest preparations we will ever undertake is shaping up. Next year, we are planning on spending Anna’s Make-A-Wish wish. We are aiming for an elegant ball at a castle-like venue, where she arrives in a horse drawn carriage, excellent musicians leading the night, and we end in a hymn sing. Why? Because those are some of Anna’s favorite things. Phew, can’t wait.  

 

We have good and bad medical news to share regarding Anna. The good news is that the treatment for her Epileptic condition known as ESES has brought a reduction of “misfires” in her nervous system. We are going to continue to use this daily high dose of Valium through the month of June and test her again once weaned. Our prayer is for even less “misfires”. We are persisting with Anna’s GI doctor to evaluate her overall nutrition through weight gain, measuring food consumption, hydration, bowel movements and blood work. After noticing that Anna has persistently low white blood cells, the doctor began to ask other questions that seemed unrelated, “have you noticed hair loss?” We informed her that Anna has a bald spot on her head that isn’t from her headrest. After looking at it, the GI doctor referred us to a Rheumatologist because Anna is showing symptoms similar to autoimmune diseases. Now we haven’t had to deal with a new diagnosis in a while, but my heart dropped when I heard this. Dad guilt tried creeping in, must Anna need more complications? Instead of staying there heartbroken, I took a step back and thought, Anna lives in probably the best country in the world for helping meet the needs of a complex handicap girl and Colorado is likely the best state among all the states for helping families with special needs. How good is that?! When God said He would equip, in His Omniscience, He made me grow up in Colorado and own an apartment in Denver for 8 years before returning from Chicago with Anna. Now Anna has arguably the most aid anyone like her can get. Wow, praise the Lord.

 

Renee’s birthday

 Two weeks before Anna’s birthday, we celebrated Renee’s birthday. It started at the counter of the Waffle House with me. We were delighted by the buzzing of the cooks and waitresses. I go for the hashbrowns, Renee goes for the waffles. It has become our birthday tradition. Next came a perfect little birthday party at 10AM with a theme of craft making because that is her favorite. We were able to pull off a quick game of duck, duck, goose too. She is a blazing 7 years old. Mom made an incredible cake of course and Renee felt the love all day long. On occasion, she still carries a trauma reaction to a non-trauma situation. Her emotions go deep, fast. In many ways, our third born has been asked to lace up the shoes of a first born child. Even after therapy and time, we hope and count on the grace of God to grow her into more faith and mature processing as those instances surface. She struggles with reading and writing but it's coming! Renee is often obedient, loves to color and takes great care of her 6 dolls. She asked mom to make a growth chart for her dolls like the one we have for our kids! The other day, mom and I were treated to each of her dolls wearing a dress meant for her soon-to-be-born baby sister (arriving in about 2 weeks). She picked a full length song for each doll to dance to while in her arms. After about 20 minutes of watching her doll dance show I was spent. She is a joy to be around but don’t give her too much sugar. Renee is the #1 fan of this baby mommy is growing right now. Her excitement brings a smile to my face as she considers everything it takes in welcoming home a newborn baby.

 

Please Pray for:

-Anna to not have an autoimmune disease. For full healing, for seizures to stop, and a greater testimony of God’s glory through her life.

-her Make-a-wish ball and hymn sing. That God would delight us in honoring Anna’s life.

-precious Renee to grow into her faith and grasp the Father’s love for her. That grace would mark the wounds she unfairly received through trauma, grief and loss.

-Lindsey’s completion of pregnancy with a victorious labor and delivery. Pray for angels to attend and protection for both the baby and mom during the ordeal, due date is 3-30. Pray especially that labor would start on its own, not needing to be induced.

-this unborn daughter, that she would lay a hold of faith and grace to be a hopeful servant of her perfect heavenly Father. We assign a hymn for each of our kids. The hymn we have been singing while she is in her mother’s womb is This is my Father’s World. If the song lays on your heart please join us in wonder at our great God who gives good gifts.    

Join us in rejoicing and praying, 

Nic for the Currats

Fear and Faith Warring

 

Dear Prayer Warriors,

Gator Carwash

Simon was not very destructive. He took care of his toys, sure things got messy at times but he was never a “typical boy” with a bent on throwing, destroying and dissecting things. This contrast has come painfully to light from the behavior Victor is exhibiting these days. Simon was also a saver. It made sense to him that grander desires with a bigger price tag requires delayed gratification, selling, and some fundraising. It would have been tremendous to have seen these good habits play out into adulthood (Another thing to scratch my head about and surrender to the Lord). One of his most prized big-ticket item that he saved up to buy with the help of grandma’s birthday money was the Hot Wheels Gator Carwash. It was probably around $60. The toy captured Simon’s imagination wonderfully plus it had a car that changes color in hot water. The Gator Carwash was not available in stores, so the day he had the money mom ordered it online. When it arrived excitement and expectation filled the house. Simon took the time to build it himself since it had several levels and features. It did not disappoint and we got to send those cars through the wash endlessly.

 

Last summer we noticed that the Gator Carwash had fallen victim to neglect at the hand of our other children since we didn’t set it apart as a keepsake. Its scaffolding was broken, the slides missing, the water tower became leaky and the color changing car was nowhere to be found. It hit Lindsey particularly hard, because she remembered the entire purchase process and how Simon’s enthusiasm was sparked by it. With fondness for what was, she went on an online hunt to find another Gator Carwash. It had been discontinued, only available on Ebay nearing the price of $100. I challenged her, “do we hope that our kids could play with a Gator Wash like Simon did or do we keep the surviving alligator that came with Simon’s set as a keepsake?” It seemed to be best remembered than relived therefore we refrained from buying a new one.

 

A couple of days ago, we marked what would have been Simon’s 10^th birthday. She shopped for numerous things a ten-year-old boy would want and dropped them off at our local foster care center. Lindsey came home from grief shopping and said “you will never guess what I found at Burlington Coat Factory. The Gator Carwash!!!” It had been reduced to $40 so she bought two of them, one for a foster kid and one for ours. It meant so much to her, I was thrilled too. Lindsey shared with Renee, Anna and Victor how God providentially places blessings in our pathway that are meaningless to others but touch our hearts because He knows our heart completely.  Praise God for those circumstantial “coincidences” that only He could have orchestrated.

 

Loathing a Vasectomy

How many Christian fathers get a vasectomy without fasting and seeking God about it? I certainly fell into that category. I think this is one point where the culture has informed the church rather than the other way around. Given its personal nature, it's no wonder why I have never heard the word at church. Perhaps things would have been different if I had thought about a theology of vasectomy. Back before Simon died and we Lindsey was about to give birth to Victor the anxiousness about labor and delivery came into focus. I casually informed Lindsey that this was clearly our last kid. I recall telling (rather than asking) my bride that I was going to get a vasectomy.  Four kids was a full quiver and the standard of upbringing I wanted to furnish would seem too hard with more kids. Little did I know that Lindsey always wanted more kids.  

 

I remember praying manipulatively about my desire to get a vasectomy. I remember saying “show me open doors if this is what you want me to walk through.” Or  “Would it please God that I should get a vasectomy?”  I know it would please me to shut the door on more kids and lay this tension to rest in our marriage. Confessionally, I don’t remember pausing to hear a reply from God. Also, I think my selective hearing was on whenever I brought the issue up to Lindsey. Though I do not remember, she told me not to do it. That should have been my closed door from God. Or the Doctor I selected for the procedure suddenly moving could have been another closed door. Then came Anna’s medical needs conflicting with the second rescheduled date. Instead of accepting a “no”. I started to pray for the procedure, the doctor, and my body. It’s a shade embarrassing to recall these things because now they seem so obviously not how anyone should approach the Lord in prayer, especially for a son who knows Him.  I persisted, “give me peace Lord.”

 

 Looking back now, I consider it one of my biggest sins of commission after coming to Christ (meaning that it’s a sin that I willingly chose to partake in). I’m not sure if all Vasectomies are a sin, I can only speak for myself. I mutilated my body to stop a process that God created, for my own peace of mind. In the end I developed a hematoma because there was a procedural mistake made. I was out of work and in significant pain for six weeks. In hindsight, this is one of those places in my life where I felt a sense of punishment from God because of my rebellious decision. I clearly disappointed my bride and felt a heavy hand of discipline upon me from God. I liken it to that moment when Samuel approached Saul at Gilgal after he took priestly duties into his own hands. Samuel asked “What have you done?” Or worse, God’s question to Eve in the garden, “what have you done?” I hung my head to both God and my bride. I offered such sheepish replies like, “I had enough kids, I just didn’t think we could afford another!”

 

 Has the Lord ever asked me (or anyone else) to take control of my life and do as I please? Perhaps that is the definition of free will. However I fear Yahweh. I count on Christ; I am His slave/ bondservant. I am Bible believing, therefore, It should have been plain to see that God never tells me to be the captain of my own ship. Also, “A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does.” 1 Corinthians 7:4. My body is not my own now that I am married. It seems to me that the Lord never suggests to anyone to voluntarily get a vasectomy.  yet I did it without fasting, without considering how big of a deal it was. I took control in this matter.

 

The biggest personal pain over the vasectomy came upon Simon’s passing. In the absence of my son, I was finally able to see the foolish cost of my vasectomy. It took child loss for me to fully humble myself at the cross, I wept and pleaded the blood of Christ over my life regarding my assumptions and sins. I asked Lindsey for forgiveness and hoped she would forgive me. Amid my empty hole left by Simon, God graciously softened my heart for another kid.  That’s when I mentioned to you all to pray for another child, that was about 3 years ago. We started the training to become foster parents, I quickly learned that those kids unanimously bring lots of trauma, we were signing up for navigating more trauma without having overcome our own trauma, it didn’t feel right. We looked into international adoption which had many rigid rules depending on the agency. Biological kids had to be at least 5 years older than the adopted one, Victor was a year old. They wanted adoptive parents under 40.  Also, pursuing this was long and expensive. So we sat in our grief and grew to be content in the gift and heritage of 3 surviving “loans from the Lord” Anna, Renee and Victor.

 

 

Incredible Grace

My grief counselor/ pastor really helped me navigate the complexity of our grief and marriage. Lindsey was frustrated at our reproductive situation on top of dealing with insurmountable grief. My pastor helped me not push her away with her longings for more kids but rather to consider “hoping all things” alongside her because that is what love does. My counselor and I spent many sessions in 1 Corinthian 13. It was the idea of tuning my hopes to Lindsey’s that really spoke to me. After prayer, and searching a bit I sought a vasectomy reversal. I was not a good candidate because of the scarring from the hematoma. Insurance would cover a vasectomy but not a reversal. By God’s grace, we had money from Simon’s passing that we didn’t know what to spend it on. After seeking God and after Lindsey forgave me, we decided to hope all things together for this reversal procedure. Then nothing changed, years went by, we persisted in prayer. We spent a lot of time with God about this, in worship and surrender. What was God up to? Lindsey’s hope was fading after a couple of delayed menstrual cycles giving way to nothingness. I asked the Lord to author life abundantly through us again. We prayed through unbelief with surrender, it's all about Jesus. Then more time passed, about a year ago I stopped praying for another child altogether, and it seems that our hopes for this were not coming to pass. Lindsey and I stopped talking about it.

 

Last summer, I had a strange dream where God was asking me to try again for a child, it had been 3 years since the reversal surgery and several months since I last prayed for another child. I spoke with Lindsey about my dream and her reaction surprised me. Lindsey was afraid to inform anyone, but she hadn’t had a period in over two months. We prayed and delayed testing for several more days. To the glory of God and His lavish grace we are expecting a precious, prayed for, beloved baby girl Easter week. Circumstantially that means conception was near the commemoration of Simon’s 3^th anniversary of his passing and our upcoming birth is right around the Resurrection. That doesn’t mean much to most hearts but like the Gator Carwash we are comforted by it. All of Lindsey’s prenatal appointments are going great, we are preparing and trusting God. I hope you are filled with at least a fraction of surprise and wonder as we are. What a good gift from the Father of Lights! It's been a complete source of joy for our children to welcome a little sister. Is anything too hard for God?  

Please, I invite you all to labor in prayer for Lindsey as she labors for this child. Pray for the baby to be in the right position, for any anxiousness to be supernaturally overruled by faith. For a tremendous display of providence and grace to cover these next 6 weeks.

 

In the Love of Christ,

Nic for the Currats

Upping the Quality

 

Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

I hope this letter finds you faithful in the mission God has for you, filled with thanksgiving and worship to Him who atoned for us. Sometimes life’s needs and hurry can get in the way of taking the time to write to you, particularly when things are blessed and good.  This has been our season of late, praise the Lord. When I write these things I am aiming high in faith and there are days I feel far removed from the spiritual aspirations I convey in these emails. It is the Lord who graciously challenges me to onward to stay the course even if it's not as pretty as my words. I am at Simon’s camp enjoying unseasonably nice weather and the peacefulness that comes from slowing down, enjoying the view, and resting. For me, I have found that the lack of trials is often when inner holiness is compromised. It seems easier to walk in the flesh and desire the treasures on earth when things are good. A message reminded me that I ought to pray for a challenge, maybe to create a goal to reach, a gospel to share, or hard things to do with excellence. I’m not asking for more trials to refine me but for holiness, mission, and righteousness to compel me in personal growth. “Lord help me walk in the Spirit.” The command to love and to consider the interest of others as more important than my own are the first things I can pursue when things are good. As I evaluate my life it is really through my kids and wife that I do 90% of my other-centeredness. What usually happens is that I seem concerned for the interest of others so long as they are in my inner circle. Can I challenge myself to compassion beyond those who love me, maybe turn up the lovin’ at work? Even so, it is God’s call for me to take care of the needs of my family ahead of the outer circle. As I think and write about this, I am convicted about my prayer life. I feel I am pouring into the needs of others when I pray for them! I may not have time for others but I can plead to the Lord for them. Sorry if this seems like faith 101 here, especially because you guys have developed the pattern of praying and reading over these emails, praise God for your example to me.

 

Christmas and New Years were hard from a mourning perspective. This year it was as if I underthought my son in heaven and developed a guilt from it. What is the right amount of observance of grief for the fourth Christmas without Simon? It’s unnatural to acknowledge his absence and move on; it’s also wrong to ignore it all together. The non-talking about him came to head on Christmas day when my sister-in-law gifted us a letter she wrote to Simon. It was full of love, wonder and grief. I read it aloud among the trenches of torn wrapping paper and new gifts in hand. During that moment I desired the gift of holding Simon again and listening to him. O how my heart feels frozen in time holding him and prizing how Simon used to make me think and feel. Praise God for a pillar of faith that allows me a selah, for Jesus who grants me a reunion and a future with him knowing that God continues to make it well (enough) with my soul. One thing I have done very little of in my journey of mourning is to talk to Simon like he is right there in front of me. Largely because I have a faith that knows he is not here, and his disposition is glorious as I grieve. However, it was the letter from my sister-in-law on Christmas day that helped me see the beauty in writing a letter to Simon as if he is going to read it, to talk to him for a second as if he was still here. It showed me of the intimacy that relationships carry when love is in the middle. By God’s grace I know I am far better off to have loved and lost, then to not have had this son to love at all. Yet, I have learned to be the most satisfied, most honored when I hear of the good things coming from his absence and our grief journey. God is good, so I look for the good in the giving and the taking away, blessed be the Name of the Lord.

 

One last note on the evidence of sorrow in my family is Renee’s teeth. What has become apparent is that the depth of sadness and loss she has felt from Simon’s absence gets miss-applied to not wanting to obey or go to bed, or not wanting to go to school. She will make an emotion appeal way past a proper response akin to the depths she experienced when her brother died. So, in the moments when Renee’s insisting on mom to tuck her into bed it becomes as big of a sadness as losing her brother in the moment. I know she clings to her blankie still; I know she loves every recollection we have of Simon and I pray God will meet her in her times of inner thinking, to heal her use of emotions, anxiousness and hesitation. The other day, Renee asked me to wiggle her front baby tooth to see if it is loose and the tooth has become so small from grinding as a subconscious soothing to her that I couldn’t grasp it. It’s the size of half an Advil. I’m no dentist but I did have two kids before Renee with baby teeth and those teeth haven’t endured the grinding crucible as much as Renee’s. Let’s keep Renee covered in prayer because she continues with emotional struggles about other things because of her experience in trauma and loss.

 

One of the last prayer requests I asked for regarded Anna’s Medicaid evaluation because of the changes to Medicaid from the top down. many other families have dealt with reduced hours etc... Much to my surprise have been blessed with more approved caretaking hours for Anna. This will be a blessing to us, to her therapists, respite and nurse providers. Out of this spawned a sort of realization that my bride helped me see. Anna is so complex, challenging, and increasingly unable; yet I treat her every circumstance with blunt confidence or downplay how hard and heavy caring for her can be. It’s like I've grown insensitivity because I have accepted her “as is” for so long. Lindsey continues to serve Anna so well and I do my best when I am home for sure. However, Lindsey models the longsuffering that comes with 12 years of caring, praying and longing for the miraculous. Lindsey is the one callused from all the appointment setting, diaper changing and mess cleaning far more than me. This increase in hours has opened my eyes to see that I need to do more for Anna, obviously her needs are increasing, and I need to give Lindsey more support and space for other things. Please pray for God to show us to what extent I need to step up. It's time I stop assuming “we got this” and start pleading “Lord equip us and help us as Anna’s disability continues and the needs don’t stop coming.” Praise God for the perpetual willingness shown by a mother to sacrifice for her daughter. I am humbled by what I witness everyday if I just take a step back.  Please pray for a nurse to take our case three days a week to lessen Lindsey’s load and/or for me to step into those spaces.

 

Another point of bragging on Lindsey I would like to make is her scrutinizing our doctors particularly in their prescribing. Rather than a gullible trust that I so often have towards doctors, Lindsey always searches the "why" and "how" of everything. To showcase this, allow me to show you a recent “flip-flop” Anna’s neurologist has made. For the last 6 months, we have been going with a new neurologist who wanted to revisit the previous neurologist’s dismissal of the ESES diagnosis and treatment three years ago. Anna continues to have about 80 seizure-triggering “sparks” in her brain every minute while she sleeps. Without a 3 day stay at the hospital, our new neurologist started treating Anna with a high dose of Valium nightly for this first month. On February 2^nd we will assess its effectiveness and choose to continue or stop it. There have been great gains in cognition from past participants even though the results vary greatly. From my impression Anna seems to sleep more deeply. Pray for Jesus to use this treatment to bring healing to Anna’s neurological injuries. In other Anna news,  she hasn’t had any Urinary Tract Infections this winter. She is doing great and continues to be such a joy to be around. We need prayer for our ramp van to get fixed; the ramp has a broken wheel making it risky to use. The repair place seems more interested in selling ramp vans than fixing old ones. Pray for progress with this. We’re pausing horseback therapy for a season to do in-home physical therapy for Anna. Also, Anna’s last Cerebral Palsy evaluation from the CP clinic showed good things, no further development of scoliosis. We still blend for her and supplement her formula, praise God she is at about 80 pounds now. Oh, and praise God we received all the medical equipment we were asking for including a tricycle for Anna!

 

Thank you for praying and happy New Year!

Nic for the Currats