Dear Prayer Warriors,
Gator Carwash
Simon was not very destructive. He took care of his toys, sure things got messy at times but he was never a “typical boy” with a bent on throwing, destroying and dissecting things. This contrast has come painfully to light from the behavior Victor is exhibiting these days. Simon was also a saver. It made sense to him that grander desires with a bigger price tag requires delayed gratification, selling, and some fundraising. It would have been tremendous to have seen these good habits play out into adulthood (Another thing to scratch my head about and surrender to the Lord). One of his most prized big-ticket item that he saved up to buy with the help of grandma’s birthday money was the Hot Wheels Gator Carwash. It was probably around $60. The toy captured Simon’s imagination wonderfully plus it had a car that changes color in hot water. The Gator Carwash was not available in stores, so the day he had the money mom ordered it online. When it arrived excitement and expectation filled the house. Simon took the time to build it himself since it had several levels and features. It did not disappoint and we got to send those cars through the wash endlessly.
Last summer we noticed that the Gator Carwash had fallen victim to neglect at the hand of our other children since we didn’t set it apart as a keepsake. Its scaffolding was broken, the slides missing, the water tower became leaky and the color changing car was nowhere to be found. It hit Lindsey particularly hard, because she remembered the entire purchase process and how Simon’s enthusiasm was sparked by it. With fondness for what was, she went on an online hunt to find another Gator Carwash. It had been discontinued, only available on Ebay nearing the price of $100. I challenged her, “do we hope that our kids could play with a Gator Wash like Simon did or do we keep the surviving alligator that came with Simon’s set as a keepsake?” It seemed to be best remembered than relived therefore we refrained from buying a new one.
A couple of days ago, we marked what would have been Simon’s 10th birthday. She shopped for numerous things a ten-year-old boy would want and dropped them off at our local foster care center. Lindsey came home from grief shopping and said “you will never guess what I found at Burlington Coat Factory. The Gator Carwash!!!” It had been reduced to $40 so she bought two of them, one for a foster kid and one for ours. It meant so much to her, I was thrilled too. Lindsey shared with Renee, Anna and Victor how God providentially places blessings in our pathway that are meaningless to others but touch our hearts because He knows our heart completely. Praise God for those circumstantial “coincidences” that only He could have orchestrated.
Loathing a Vasectomy
How many Christian fathers get a vasectomy without fasting and seeking God about it? I certainly fell into that category. I think this is one point where the culture has informed the church rather than the other way around. Given its personal nature, it's no wonder why I have never heard the word at church. Perhaps things would have been different if I had thought about a theology of vasectomy. Back before Simon died and we Lindsey was about to give birth to Victor the anxiousness about labor and delivery came into focus. I casually informed Lindsey that this was clearly our last kid. I recall telling (rather than asking) my bride that I was going to get a vasectomy. Four kids was a full quiver and the standard of upbringing I wanted to furnish would seem too hard with more kids. Little did I know that Lindsey always wanted more kids.
I remember praying manipulatively about my desire to get a vasectomy. I remember saying “show me open doors if this is what you want me to walk through.” Or “Would it please God that I should get a vasectomy?” I know it would please me to shut the door on more kids and lay this tension to rest in our marriage. Confessionally, I don’t remember pausing to hear a reply from God. Also, I think my selective hearing was on whenever I brought the issue up to Lindsey. Though I do not remember, she told me not to do it. That should have been my closed door from God. Or the Doctor I selected for the procedure suddenly moving could have been another closed door. Then came Anna’s medical needs conflicting with the second rescheduled date. Instead of accepting a “no”. I started to pray for the procedure, the doctor, and my body. It’s a shade embarrassing to recall these things because now they seem so obviously not how anyone should approach the Lord in prayer, especially for a son who knows Him. I persisted, “give me peace Lord.”
Looking back now, I consider it one of my biggest sins of commission after coming to Christ (meaning that it’s a sin that I willingly chose to partake in). I’m not sure if all Vasectomies are a sin, I can only speak for myself. I mutilated my body to stop a process that God created, for my own peace of mind. In the end I developed a hematoma because there was a procedural mistake made. I was out of work and in significant pain for six weeks. In hindsight, this is one of those places in my life where I felt a sense of punishment from God because of my rebellious decision. I clearly disappointed my bride and felt a heavy hand of discipline upon me from God. I liken it to that moment when Samuel approached Saul at Gilgal after he took priestly duties into his own hands. Samuel asked “What have you done?” Or worse, God’s question to Eve in the garden, “what have you done?” I hung my head to both God and my bride. I offered such sheepish replies like, “I had enough kids, I just didn’t think we could afford another!”
Has the Lord ever asked me (or anyone else) to take control of my life and do as I please? Perhaps that is the definition of free will. However I fear Yahweh. I count on Christ; I am His slave/ bondservant. I am Bible believing, therefore, It should have been plain to see that God never tells me to be the captain of my own ship. Also, “A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does.” 1 Corinthians 7:4. My body is not my own now that I am married. It seems to me that the Lord never suggests to anyone to voluntarily get a vasectomy. yet I did it without fasting, without considering how big of a deal it was. I took control in this matter.
The biggest personal pain over the vasectomy came upon Simon’s passing. In the absence of my son, I was finally able to see the foolish cost of my vasectomy. It took child loss for me to fully humble myself at the cross, I wept and pleaded the blood of Christ over my life regarding my assumptions and sins. I asked Lindsey for forgiveness and hoped she would forgive me. Amid my empty hole left by Simon, God graciously softened my heart for another kid. That’s when I mentioned to you all to pray for another child, that was about 3 years ago. We started the training to become foster parents, I quickly learned that those kids unanimously bring lots of trauma, we were signing up for navigating more trauma without having overcome our own trauma, it didn’t feel right. We looked into international adoption which had many rigid rules depending on the agency. Biological kids had to be at least 5 years older than the adopted one, Victor was a year old. They wanted adoptive parents under 40. Also, pursuing this was long and expensive. So we sat in our grief and grew to be content in the gift and heritage of 3 surviving “loans from the Lord” Anna, Renee and Victor.
Incredible Grace
My grief counselor/ pastor really helped me navigate the complexity of our grief and marriage. Lindsey was frustrated at our reproductive situation on top of dealing with insurmountable grief. My pastor helped me not push her away with her longings for more kids but rather to consider “hoping all things” alongside her because that is what love does. My counselor and I spent many sessions in 1 Corinthian 13. It was the idea of tuning my hopes to Lindsey’s that really spoke to me. After prayer, and searching a bit I sought a vasectomy reversal. I was not a good candidate because of the scarring from the hematoma. Insurance would cover a vasectomy but not a reversal. By God’s grace, we had money from Simon’s passing that we didn’t know what to spend it on. After seeking God and after Lindsey forgave me, we decided to hope all things together for this reversal procedure. Then nothing changed, years went by, we persisted in prayer. We spent a lot of time with God about this, in worship and surrender. What was God up to? Lindsey’s hope was fading after a couple of delayed menstrual cycles giving way to nothingness. I asked the Lord to author life abundantly through us again. We prayed through unbelief with surrender, it's all about Jesus. Then more time passed, about a year ago I stopped praying for another child altogether, and it seems that our hopes for this were not coming to pass. Lindsey and I stopped talking about it.
Last summer, I had a strange dream where God was asking me to try again for a child, it had been 3 years since the reversal surgery and several months since I last prayed for another child. I spoke with Lindsey about my dream and her reaction surprised me. Lindsey was afraid to inform anyone, but she hadn’t had a period in over two months. We prayed and delayed testing for several more days. To the glory of God and His lavish grace we are expecting a precious, prayed for, beloved baby girl Easter week. Circumstantially that means conception was near the commemoration of Simon’s 3th anniversary of his passing and our upcoming birth is right around the Resurrection. That doesn’t mean much to most hearts but like the Gator Carwash we are comforted by it. All of Lindsey’s prenatal appointments are going great, we are preparing and trusting God. I hope you are filled with at least a fraction of surprise and wonder as we are. What a good gift from the Father of Lights! It's been a complete source of joy for our children to welcome a little sister. Is anything too hard for God?
Please, I invite you all to labor in prayer for Lindsey as she labors for this child. Pray for the baby to be in the right position, for any anxiousness to be supernaturally overruled by faith. For a tremendous display of providence and grace to cover these next 6 weeks.
In the Love of Christ,
Nic for the Currats
