Worship, Retreat, and Prepare

 

Dear Prayer Warriors,

A Note on Worship

A few times in my life I have had a keen sense of heavenly worship. Years ago, I attended Founder’s week at Moody Church in Downtown Chicago. This large sanctuary filled with thousands of Jesus worshippers accompanied by one piano player filling the air with hymns, seemingly every single voice was singing in adoration, giving me the impression that nobody needed the words on the screen, and it was a humble privilege to join my voice to theirs. The sound itself was meek and beautiful, strong and reverential. I stopped to take it in a few times. Thousands harmonized around me while I sang the melody. I told the person I was with “I bet you this is what heaven will sound like.”

 

Another time I was in the mountains of Honduras among the poorest. We were in a “home”, which was an all-purpose room with a clay floor. About 30 of us huddled inside, and another dozen or so huddled by the doorway. We prayed, preached and dedicated children to the Lord. There were no instruments but everyone was accustomed to singing by everyone clapping to the same beat and singing whole-heartedly alongside. The simplicity of just voices giving a warm offering of praise to God, I felt that it was all they have, I learned there it is all I have for my King also. They gave of themselves. I remember the joy abounding, boldness in song, and intensity of that morning, transforming our circumstance of poverty into a heavenly habitat.

   

Our Family Retreat

The most recent time I stopped in my tracks and said in wonder “heaven must be like this” came last week while in Nebraska. The Joni and Friends retreat created a space for daily worship where the participants could adore and exalt Jesus. They gave Him His rightful praise and place. This time there were many egg shakers, tambourines, and borderline noise makers. It was such a flurry of worship, surrendered worship, joyous worship. The most vulnerable, the “least of these” being offered an altar to place a sacrifice of praise. We were among mentally and physically disabled people swirling around and around in unforced marching, limbs in every direction, childlike in presence, eager to love the source of love. Uninhibited, welcoming, come-as-you-are-praise. Add to that, able-bodied servants attentively assisting the lame to praise God. I eagerly joined in after taking it in, I can sincerely say “I bet heaven is going to be like this.” Unadulterated gladness and worship.

 

The retreat itself came with lots of encouragement and many people wanting to get to know us. We were surprised by this because the world doesn’t have much interest in us, but these people wanted to know how to serve us and help us raise Anna. The pace was so different from home and the content of our days remained fun-filled for sure. Not having to think about what to cook is a blessing, soda for every meal was a reckless bonus.  This was our first time we all stayed in one room and it was rather small, but it worked and rest came. Renee fully appreciated every moment. No mention of pretend “death” play and she used the potty more than ever at home. Victor won many over with his gentle smile. We had a memorable evening of catching fireflies which brought awe to Victor, Renee, and Anna. Other honorable mentions include go karts, swimming, archery, arts and crafts, dancing, smores and karaoke. The last night at camp was the talent show. I assumed we were going to go under the radar when Anna’s wonderful helper said “I think Anna has a definite talent of knocking over stacked cups.” With the spotlight on, Anna knocked them down with a smile as big as the Grand Canyon is wide. I won’t soon forget this. In thinking back on the 20 or so participant families that were there, I am completely humbled by how varied the care of their kids are to ours. “Special needs” really is a giant umbrella. I struggled to consider the lives of these other parents; they may have said the same thing when looking at me I suppose.

 

God opened the door for me to give of myself. I feel so often our family is on the receiving end, so I was eager to accept the challenge of service. By God’s grace, I shared my testimony to the other parents and helpers to praise His name. I will never get over the mercy Jesus gave me when I surrendered my old self and was born again to new life. On a last note about the retreat, God’s sweet Providence came in the form of the pastor who helped lead the retreat. He had lost a daughter tragically and also has another daughter with down syndrome. I learned about his journey through grief, his family’s varying greifs, and how God has kept him advancing. It was “a God thing.” As the camp director likes to point out when appropriate.  

 

Commemorating the loss of Simon

Which brings me to this coming Wednesday, our day of remembering the passing of my son one year ago, please pray. I want to give back to Simon’s friends that will be here, to the friends and family that have mourned with us. We are having a sort of open house hymn sing, welcome to anyone. I want to honor the memory of my son and magnify his Savior. I feel fear trying to tell me that what I have to give isn’t good enough. Or that my heart is in no place to face this “Goliath”. Didn’t I feel this way at Simon’s birthday? At Christmas? Etc… I want to be surprised by joy, strengthened in faith, surrounded by God’s chosen helpers. I hope to heartily share the overflow of goodness that God gave me from walking so closely with him during his short life.  Children have brought such richness in my life. “Hold me steady Jesus, it’s all about You!!”

 

On the way home from Nebraska, Google maps took us within view of the field where Simon got bit by the snake. I looked over at it and just put my head down, and kept driving. The feeling of loss swept over afresh; the sadness seems renewed a bit. Since then, the trauma of that day has become more vivid again. Calling out to God incessantly, hopeful in the Lord through it all. I remember gripping my son and running with my three-year-old daughter through the brush. Prying the barbwire apart to pass my children through, “mercy Lord you were there.” O may the love of my Father hold me in these days of memorial. May He reel me in so my line doesn’t drift or snag. Yahweh has been faithful to me this whole last year. “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” James 4:8 my tear catcher.

 

I’m not sure what I have learned in my son’s absence. However, I know what helped me! I’m going to need to be intentional on thanking God for the 6 years I did get with Simon. I know having a song in my heart will give great help at just those vulnerable times. Weeping in prayer is a balm of help for me. Another “Mighty Fortress” in the sorrow has been God’s Word catered and customized by the Holy Spirit particularly meditating on heaven, the millennial reign and anticipating the appearing of Jesus. May His Words be Healing this week. I look forward to the support of family, friends, and church family. I remain hopeful in the Lord’s goodness and care of me through this next week.  “Thank you, Lord, for my beautiful son, Simon Emmanuel Currat who is with You, waiting for me.” Blessed be the Lord for what’s in store even this coming Wednesday, even in writing this I feel my nerves chill out, plus in Christ, I am seated in heaven even now!  

 

 Praise God for:

-The terrific time we had in Nebraska, bonding and sharing our burdens. seeing our kids in a new environment.

- Rest in Him, faith for today and bright hope in His Word for tomorrow. He steadies the trembling hand

 

Please pray for:

-The Holy Spirit to prepare hearts to encounter Christ as He is the guest of honor at our celebration Wednesday.

-Marital unity. as the events of this week unfold, to be in step with one another as ones united in Jesus. Pray for our hearts to be soft in the Potter’s hand who is purposing all this for His glory.

- wisdom for us to put the right measures in place to prevent flooding from happening again and patience to refinishing the basement.

-continued equipping to care for Anna including a night nurse, and for better therapy options.

 

I wanted to leave you with the last two stanzas of Pass me Not, O Gentle Savior as they ring so clearly to me in my heart:

1. Trusting only in Thy merit,
   Would I seek Thy face;
   Heal my wounded, broken spirit,
   Save me by Thy grace.
2. Thou the spring of all my comfort,
   More than life to me,
   Whom have I on earth beside Thee,
   Whom in Heav’n but Thee.

 

Thanks for the prayers and Love,

 

Nic for the Currat

Great is He

 

Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

I met with someone who formed me in the earliest of days as a born-again believer. We haven’t seen each other in a few years. When speaking to me about the loss of my son he said, “I have watched friends wounded since losing their child or any loved one for that matter. When it comes to their faith, they either go deep or get lost.” I recognized those options in my context the moment he said it. I’d like to say I have gone deep with my Lord hanging onto His Word to navigate my every day. I hold onto the truth that He is able to give me faith greater than my sorrow, like it was a special promise to me for this journey. Yet on the other hand I sense a lostness, a doldrum of faith. Someone said that through tears we cannot see the world rightly. The sadness and memories provide a seemingly comfortable melancholy that is tempting to return to again and again and again. Doesn’t that sound like sin, seemingly good at first but then it ensnares? Even in dealing with the current trials of my life, I can lose perspective and unravel until there’s a woe to it all and I feel lost. In faith I know Christ calls me onward, deeper.

 

According to the Bible, there is a season for everything, I have permission to be where I am, I don’t believe I am being despondent or sinning. I don’t think there is much spiritual fruit here or maybe just the forging of fruit that grows in difficult times like gentleness and patience. I am in search of fruit. Ever since we announced a plan to “redeem the day” of Simon’s mortal affliction one year later (full-on with singing, fellowship, and a gift for the kids in our community), my grief has increased. New memories are flooding us that didn’t until now. One is the 30-foot branch Simon and I struck down in our backyard two days before July 5^th and I told him I would pay him $5 to snip off all the little branches. He was halfway done with that job at his death. I finished the job, but the main branch was still on my woodpile. I think I want to whittle a walking stick with its remains; it was the last house task we did together. Another memory came in the form of removing carpet through his bedroom window, there on his windowsill he had written his 6-year old penmanship the pricing for various toys he wanted to sell to earn some money; the toys were long gone but those prices remained. More joyfully was the surprise memory that came about at our latest hymn sing. We were singing Victory in Jesus. That is Victor’s “life song” that we sang to him while he grew in Lindsey’s womb. We sang it often enough that Simon knew it by heart. One day we received a bike trailer and I hooked it up to my bike to test it. I put Renee and Simon in it and we circled our neighborhood singing Victory in Jesus over and over to our heart’s content. What a precious memory.

 

Currently, trials know our address. Early this week our basement flooded. I know my last email contained many struggles to pray over too. This time, God used His servants as His hands and feet to help us remove the carpet and water. More significantly, these helpers kept me in good cheer as I took it all in. Lindsey laughed because she knew that since God has been faithful to us in getting this far, He will be faithful to us in this flood.

 

From my point of view, I see the Church as God’s vessel of mercy to us. On a heart level ministering to our broken-heartedness, on a compassion level that envisions what we must be going through and in hope that shows resolve to comfort us. I found it fitting that in my Discipleship book this week I’m learning about the Church and how vital it is to be grounded in one:

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

What does the author mean when saying the “law of Christ?” maybe it’s this:

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:34-35

 

Putting those two verses together helps me renew my commitment to share with my prayer warriors our trials in the hopes that God would be glorified. It would be a mistake to tell you the emotional impact and stress alone. That is more of a “woe is me” type email. Rather I aim to write a “Great is He” type email. Last prayer email, I mentioned all these problems with Anna, with Renee, with my mother, and as a passing thought I mentioned a brief bit about my fridge that quit. Remember how some neighbors rented a U-Haul and got us an oldie but a goodie fridge to hold us over? I considered the fridge as more of a footnote, “fiery dart” Satan uses to kick us while we are down. Yet another thing to tempt us into despair. Sharing my life with you all is embarrassing at times, but the point I was trying to make was that The Currats were literally chillin’ with a working fridge giving God glory. I was bragging on God. It became the least of our problems so quickly. I was writing to tell you that instead of our life being about a problem, the focus shifted to God’s creative solution! I was joyfully writing.

 

Here is the second wave of God’s glory in the fridge saga: God placed it on the heart of someone to buy us another fridge. Literally that is what that person said. This person approached us saying: “will you allow me to bless you with a new fridge. I want to meet this need because God has placed it on my heart.” Praise the Lord for a new fridge. We are not poor, we got a David Ramses emergency fund, we could afford a new fridge. However, when a believer comes at me with a statement like “God put it on my heart”, I think it is a sin to say “no.” It is better to give, also true is the humble grace that comes in receiving.

 

On a similar note, without asking, another prayer warrior felt the Lord lead them beyond praying to send us half a dozen kid’s books that they read to their kids for Simon’s Little Free Library going up on our street next month. They wanted to go beyond praying, I wasn’t asking for this but God stirs us in the most loving of ways! Praise God, He has got us.

 

Praise God for:

-          Flood insurance. Years ago, the Lord directed us to buy flood insurance though we are not in a flood plain. Lindsey knew because she heard from a neighbor about water trouble.

-          Humbling us enough through our circumstances that we cry out to Him and then inform the faithful of our situations for prayer and dependance on God.

-          The fact that even in this literal flood we can attest to His goodness.

 

Please Pray for:

-          Faith to see that God has counted me worthy of such hardships as He draws the gift of patience and gentleness from within my circumstances.

-          This Father’s Day I am waking up before the others to go to the cemetery for a time of prayer and thanks to God for my son Simon. Pray that I “go deep” rather than get lost. That the softness of my heart would be met with the love of Jesus and a verse or a passage to hold onto.

-          Strength, patience and grace to deal with the removal of things, drywall replacement, insurance management, and the flooding.

-          Our vacation starts a week from Monday. There is a stressfulness that persists from all this needed surrender. Looking forward to this respite.

-          My mother Marie-Jeanne who is still in rehab and struggling to separate reality from dreams.

 

In all this, I sincerely hope for prayer and for God to be glorified.

Nic for the Currats

Sown in Tears, Harvested in Joy

 Dear Prayer Warriors,

I invite you again to join in our battles with the knowledge that what God has sown in us is greater and eternal, unlike the many things happening to us currently. The wrath of Satan, the temporary afflictions of this world may keep me trembling a bit, but I remember before Jesus being Lord and King over me, those things kept me defeated. I know now that Satan is the one defeated for those covered in the blood of the Lamb. Instead of defeat, God superintends all dark matters to bring forth His grace, His treasure, similar to how a diamond is made through time, darkness, and pressure. This is the climate in which we sow our seed and wait, but what about our reaping? I pray this Scripture passage would represent our reaping:

 

“Therefore, we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” 2 Cor 4:16-18

 

Rejoice that the Lord Shepherds us. Praise the Lord that His Word is stable ground to stay on. The Bible is where eternal joy grows, springing into a harvest of contentment within me! Bless Jesus in recognition that His Body the Church, ministers to us in prayers which is an eternal exercise covering many temporary things. I am so encouraged to know that you are in the trenches with us, your prayers give way to the Lord’s hand of hope, His pathway of blessing, and helps us persevere to victory knowing now things are hard. It is the Holy Spirit that envisions us going from glory to glory to glory, may it be so. I desired to write sooner as I felt many times only prayer was going to help us stand our ground. I know too that God sees our needs and meets them even if I haven’t dispatched the latest communication.

 

Since I last wrote you, Anna has had another UTI. That is her 4^th in 9 months. We met with a urologist; she hesitates to treat Anna’s UTI’s because diapering tends to create a baseline of bacteria in her urine. Only severe cultures ought to be treated to keep the antibiotics efficacious. So, it seems her body will always be fighting off infection down there. Juxtaposed on that, was a viral illness that inflamed Anna’s lungs. On the first day of being sick, Anna's every exhale was a cough for about 16 hours no matter the repositioning or suctioning. The following night Anna’s became completely lethargic, her heart rate was in the 50’s awake. Her normal heart rate awake is between 100-120. We were one foot out the door to the hospital when we realized that the doctor that day prescribed a max dose steroid that can affect the heart. That was compounded with the excess potassium from being on Pedialyte for three days. We prayed for wisdom and direction because we usually know what to do, this was all new. We played with her limp hands, repositioned her dead weight and floppy heat, we read the Bible, and sang. Lindsey did most the heavy lifting that night. Around 4 AM the steroid flushed out of her system and her heart rate normalized. Today she has a few lingering issues and hasn’t required much extra intervention at night, we do hope for a nurse to help us particularly when these struggles hit.

 

 Somewhere in there our fridge gave up on us. We had some heroic neighbors rent a truck and pick up a $25 fridge to hold us over, this was all done while I was at work. They would tell you it’s not them, but rather Christ in them that caused them to leap into action.

 

Mother’s Day proved surprisingly hard for me because I felt like my hands were tied. I guess it served as a sign that I truly love my bride. I wished Father’s Day would have come first. I did my best to listen and encourage. I felt helpless, I like I couldn’t steer the day intentionally like most the other holidays and the fajitas I cooked were dry. Praise the Lord for Lindsey’s mom who shared the day with us. I watched Lindsey confront our loss and praise God for our other children. She knows good and well that Simon lives on, hidden in Christ.

 

The return to horseback therapy proved hard even for Renee. She kept her head down until one of the volunteers had a heart to heart with her and convinced her to get up on the horse again. Even there, we could see seeds of God working in Victor’s mind’s eye as he remained fixated on all that was going on at the ranch. Many people there encouraged us to think of horses as a conduit for healing for our family.  

 

We are seeking the Lord about how He would like to heal our hearts through counseling. I continue to meet with a pastor weekly, though we are currently on a little break. Lindsey and I continue to look for options for Renee. Renee has persisted in pretend-playing death scenarios daily with her toys. She also pretends to be someone else (like a mom) frequently. She had a moment where she destroyed a worm. I know her 4-year-old mind is working to understand what death is and the permanence it gives in the material world. But what are the guardrails of healthy play therapy? What should we look for, what needs to be in place? We found a Christian counseling center that specializes in helping foster kids mainly, they are grief experts and play based, we have yet to be scheduled in there.

 

Two days ago my mother fell again, the second time in one month. She broke her hip a third time in three years. The first two were slight fractures. This one is more concerning. They hesitate operating because of her age. I don’t know how soon assisted living will turn into nursing home care. It’s hard to connect with her. My mom spent last weekend with us, and admitted to thinking about nothing all the time. It is concerning how much she sleeps. Praise God i have a lovely memory of Renee playing bingo with her this past weekend.

 

We have been preparing an event for the 5th of July marking the first anniversary of Simon getting bit. It will be a remarkable time of remembering, rejoicing, thanking, and commemorating. These preparations have stirred fresh tears. God has put it on my heart to be vigilant and available to those that are struggling with grief over Simon’s passing. Whether it’s my family members or Simon’s co-op classmates or Bible study friends. Many throughout the year have expressed an unknowingness of what to do. And I want to comfort them with the comfort of Christ that I have received. I say this as a vision and something that God would bring forth because just yesterday, I had another wave of weeping and crying out to God about Simon's absence in our family.

 

In one month, Lord willing, we will be leaving to a weeklong family respite retreat put on by Joni and friends, this will lead into the anniversary of Simon's death. Glory to God who laid this retreat on the hearts of some of my friends. They chose to pay our way for our entire family! We are humbled by the continued assurance that God has got us and is with us.

 

Please pray for:

 -God to satisfy Renee's struggles with Simon's death. May we point her to the Bible to help her see the biblical truth that God is our counselor and that stewarding all life matters to Him. Pray that she would trust Who holds the keys of death and grave.   

 -us as we are awaiting to reap the harvest of joy that Jesus intends to bring us because we have sown the seed of tears. We are returning with singing.  This is from Psalm 126:5-6 which has been above our kitchen sink for most of this year.

- wisdom and strength for my brother Will who works constantly to care for my mother and her difficult situation. For the Lord to give my mom the peace of her faith in Jesus knowing His sufficiency.

- continued healing through horseback therapy for Anna.  And horsemanship in general for all of us. That this Reigning Hope ranch and therapy community would gather around us with the love of Jesus.

- a night nurse and general health for Anna.

 

Indebted,

 

Nic for the Currats

Worshipping Our Way Out

Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

We belong to a faith-based group called Hope Kids. Our lives are enriched by this organization through prayer, creating a social community of families suffering similarly, and most tangibly with events to normalize family life for those raising a child considered by doctors to have a terminal illness. A few weeks ago, Hope Kids sent us to see a stage production of the Musical Annie. Not just me and Anna, but everyone. They had volunteers to care for Victor while we enjoyed this play. It was upbeat, funny, and well done. It gave joy smack dab in our ongoing journey through loss. 

 

The immersion into the world of little orphan Annie caught the imagination of my sweet 4-year-old Renee. She grabbed my hand and sat on the edge of her seat throughout. The dancing quickly won her over. During the scene changes in the dark she whispered her guess as to what the next scene was going to be as the crew was scurrying around to set it up. I thanked God in the reflection of the stage lights, amid it all. I remained completely affirmed in the experience that we were currently living out. In my heart of hearts, I said to the Lord “by Your grace Lord, one day my life is going to be more about these kinds of things.” There remains much weightiness on our hearts. I miss Simon, not only that, I miss the joy of him experiencing such captivating events.   

 

One night not too long ago I came across the verse, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” PS 147:3 So I asked the question to my bride. “Is this true, has God healed your broken heart?”  Lindsey honestly said “yes, God will.” God has been working on us big time. Just a couple of nights ago we passed the iPad around and took turns recording memories about Simon. One pitfall we see showing up in Renee’s life has been fear. She is expressing new fears about finding snakes in our house. Or going on another bike ride and dying. When we pass a car accident, she wonders who died. We are careful not to shame her thinking, but also praying that Satan wouldn’t gain a foothold. Thankfully the Bible has much to say about fear and so ministering those truths when she says those things would be the most helpful. I don’t always think on my toes like that. 

 

When I take a step back and think about losing Simon, I can see how Renee’s fears are not unfounded. I grew up as a Boy Scout in Colorado and never had much of a fear of the wild. Now I find myself nervous of potential wild animal encounters when I go on a simple hike. Yet doesn’t everyone live at the merciful Hand of the Lord every day? couldn’t something tragic happen to anyone at any time? Isn’t it possible that my house could be on a fault line and we get swallowed up tomorrow? It is God’s hand that preserves me! What is there to fear when I know that the Lord has allowed it to cross my path? 

 

As for my journey through this humility, I have become fixated on Jesus as my bearer of hope. It's like hope went from my head to my heart. How precious is Biblical hope!!! I should write an essay about it. Also, I’m noticing how hard it has become to be joyful continually. I used to be pretty good at that. We’ve needed to be intentional about joy much more lately. A song lyric struck me last week and has stayed with me since, it repeats over and over “worship is the way out of the valley.” One joyful thing that has come about is that we have been doing hymn sings with friends and neighbors. We invested in a set of ten hymnals and so it’s been going on once a month to the glory of God and the joy of the singers. Even when we have some guests over, we like to drop a hymnal in their lap and sing a song or two if it’s not too weird.   

 

Anna’s Latest Specialist vist

We had another significant meeting with Anna’s lung doctor. I wasn’t there but Lindsey’s debriefing made it feel like an intervention rather than an equipping meeting. The doctor was concerned about Anna’s long term lung health by not having her on her BiPAP machine.  They suspect that Anna’s lungs are not opening completely at night, and she constantly has parts of her lung collapsing. It’s called chronic atelectasis. She used the BiPAP successfully for years however a year and a half ago our machine was recalled. By the time we got another BiPAP machine Anna became unable to tolerate it. She spits up mucus and saliva every time she wears it, after an hour or two we take it off and she sleeps soundly without it.  His suggestion was to reintroduce it over the next month during the daytime. He also gave us two new medicines to use every night extending her bedtime routine by another 15 minutes. Another direction was to use oxygen every night. This means filling tanks every day. I remember in my last update saying how honored I am to serve Anna as her caretaker, but I find myself grumbling at all these new directives. I’ll get over it. God gives me grace.

 

Praise the Lord for:

-Joy, praise and worship leading us through the valley.

-Hope Kids and the many graces springing from them.

-God’s Word to silence all fears.  

 

Please Pray for:

-Restorative grace and courage from the Lord as we return to Hippo (horseback) therapy. My son Simon was learning horsemanship there and loved everything about it while Anna was taking her horseback riding therapy. Pray for Lindsey to be encouraged at God renewing our commitment there.

-Healing. We have a virus going around our family members. Me and Anna have it the worst right now. Anna’s cough sounds super barky and rough. It's made for messes and harder night care. Pray for my diligence in meeting Anna's needs. 

-Anna to be able to acclimate back on the BiPAP machine at night. That we wouldn’t be discouraged. That this would bring healing to her lungs and in turn her whole body. And for the right night nurse for Anna, ready to commit to more than a couple of months. 

- Joy to be found. For a song on our hearts, and light heartedness as a daily gift to each other. 

-please pray for my mom Marie-Jeanne who fell and hurt her shoulder significantly. She is home from the hospital. Her memory is struggling greatly. May the Lord awaken her to His comfort, to purpose her days for eternal good, and that she would cling to Jesus for salvation come what may.   

 

Hopeful in the One who heals the brokenhearted and binds their wounds,

 

Nic, Lindsey, Anna, Renee, and Victor 

Pressing into God

 Dear Prayer Warriors, 

The Bible shows God in relationship with His children. A personal relationship means He is knowable, trust is established, and through experiences we bond and grow fidelity. Nicknames and inside jokes naturally surface.

 

God was God to Abraham then one day, because of one trial Abraham called God Jehovah Jireh. Abraham attached the specific characteristic of Provider when God provided a sacrifice (Gn 22). Hagar observed that God is the God Who sees during her trial, she realized His omnipresence in the remote place where the Angel found her (Gn 16). God revealed to Moses the attribute Him being Healer (Ex 15) and Our Banner (Ex 17) amid his struggles to lead Israel. Gideon built an altar to God because God showed that He is Jehovah Shalom (Jdg 6). King David called God Jehovah-Rohi the Lord my Shepherd (Ps 23). The prophet Samuel declared God to be named Our Helper (1 Sm 7). To name a few. 

 

When I read the Bible it’s easy to see God and His many attributes all at once. But these Truths about God were given one at a time or more certainly one trial at a time. The pitfall in knowing God and His many attributes from Sunday school comes in my prayer life. In my struggles, I can look at my situation like the trauma of Anna’s birth and tight-fistedly declare “God you are Jehovah Rapha heal Anna. it will bring You glory.” The Bible makes it clear that He is healer, it's not too difficult, He can do it and He has healed many times immediately, and His Word promises complete healing in Christ eventually. But God hasn’t healed Anna. I need to move on from the "No" or more accurately "Not yet."

 

Looking back on that trial, I remember a specific night shortly after Anna’s birth, Lindsey and I were returning home from the hospital because they did not allow the parents to stay the night if their newborn was in the intensive care unit.  I dropped Lindsey off at our Apartment complex after another long day of learning new diagnoses and constantly laying down what we thought life would look like with a healthy kid. 

It was dark and snowy, Chicago cold if you know what I mean. The only parking spot I could find after circling the neighborhood was three blocks away. I couldn’t have imagined carrying more burdens on the three block walk home alone. So I prayed aloud in my puffy coat with tears turning into freezing water on my face “God you don’t make mistakes, please heal. It’s a small thing for you to do.” Amid the crunchy footsteps and the frozen air, a peace came over me. I stopped bewildered for a second. I quieted myself, looked around and up at the street light. In that darkness burdens felt lifted, and I humbly confessed in sadness, in faith, and in gentleness “I know that if You don’t heal now, You will equip us for this life with Anna and she will bring us into Your Throne room. She will cause us to come to You. I need faith for that.” That night and the years of faithfulness ensuing, I found the Lord to be the God Who Equips.  

 

Equipper, it's what He wanted me to know Him as then and there. I felt a personal relationship with God that cold night.  To my surprise since then, His equipping has made me see Him as the Alpha and Omega, the One who knows the beginning from the end. He knows the time and place for Anna’s healing. I learned to trust Him more as Sovereign and good in every moment as He calls me to live as a servant to my daughter. Her care is consuming at times, but what a gift and a joy my first-born child is including her disabilities! I am aware that God my equipper sounds very much like Jehovah Jireh. That name was already taken though. This amazing relational grace with God is afforded me because of Jesus crucified. I have assured forgiveness from God according to His Word (Rm 5). I have reconciliation with God the Father and a personal relationship as His child; so when I am in trials, He shows one of His attributes to cling to. Instead of me telling Him what Attribute of His He ought to show me.

Praise the Lord for:

-stories of His glory.

-How He welcomes vulnerable conversational prayers. 

-Family pictures, it was hard without Simon but God has given us a beautiful family to reflect His glory. no matter what it looks like. I remember when I lived for myself I thought I would never marry. so praise God.

Please Pray for:

-Restoration. Today a dear brother led me to the last chapter in the book of Job and my heart exclaimed Restoration! May we come to know God as the restorer of our family like Job did.

 -Further courage from the Lord as we return to Hippo (horseback) therapy. My son Simon was learning horsemanship there and loved everything about it while Anna was taking her horseback riding therapy. Pray for Lindsey to be encouraged at God renewing our commitment there.

-the Lord to bless Lindsey as she develops a relationship with a counselor

Nic for the Currats

Honor to Our King

 

Dear Prayer Warrior,

 

Of all the medical fields relevant to us Neurology brings the most honor to God. Talk to any Neurologist and they will tell you how frustrating and confusing the human mind is and that they surrender constantly to the idea that no one knows. For me, that brings great glory to the Creator. Within me it draws out reverence and the fear of the Lord. God holds the scientific boundaries that these very smart doctors keep running into.

 

In our experience, the field has few treatments, or remedies for the problems it identifies. Neurologists remain in research mode classifying and considering variables with each person. In Anna’s brain Neurology has identified: 1 Brain Damage to multiple cortexes and the basal ganglia, 2 Neo-Natal seizures, 3 Periventricular Leukomalacia, 4 Hypsarrhythmia, 5 Polymicrogyria, 6 Electrical Status Elipitcus in Sleep and 7 clinical seizures. None of these conditions have a cure, although with time Hypsarrhythmia is outgrown.   The truth that every Neurologist sees but has yet to confess is that a person with those labels ought to be seizing constantly and/or be 6ft under. Their brain wave readings seem to describe a person plagued with a monstrous brain; I assure you Anna’s appearance is pleasant, beautiful, full of God’s mercy and grace. Why does Anna seem so free and absent of seizures? It’s for the glory of God. She has, and always will bring people to the Lord in one way or another.

 

In our experience, our Neurologists have rough bedside manner. What they know to be black and white, we don’t automatically see as black and white. They introduce terms and explain things that are so accepted by them and foreign to us.  Usually, it’s a team of three that spend time rewording each other’s thoughts until the listener either stops trying to understand, thinks they understand, or the neuro team cannot find any other way of explaining. All questions will be answered. Neurologists are perfectly clear and there usually is lots of silence as I try to understand. They leave before I want them to. That happened today. Which catapulted me back to the longest most difficult conversation in my life which was to understand what it meant for Neurologists to diagnose Simon as Brain Death (not brain dead) and the legal implications that come with it.   

 

In focusing back on Anna, it’s my turn to share what I think they taught me. Her sleep was deep and long, she revealed much more than any of her previous EEG’s. This one showed consistent levels of spike-wave discharges in her awake state and sleep state thus removing the diagnosis of ESES and not qualifying her for the Valium treatment. For about 30 seconds I thought this was great news, then they shared that her brain is now showing excessive neurologic activity, 80+ spike wave discharges per minute during her awake time as well as her sleep times whereas before it was minimal while awake. Their catch phrase they kept on coming back to was “we treat the person not the EEG.” So that means that on paper Anna should not be able to have much cognition, concentration, and even pay attention. But if you know Anna, that girl is with it.

 

The temptation to be anxious about this is so strong. Like trying to figure out what I should do differently because of the heavy new info. Or worse, images of Anna seizing in my head. This is when I wept and called my bride with the news.

Shortly after I took the discharge papers and walked out of the hospital feeling defeated. As I paced quickly to the front doors, the deja-vu moment was felt. I remember heading to those same doors after losing Simon with great speed too. Once outside, things changed. God brought the song “Turn your eyes upon Jesus” to me at that moment, I sang it in a shaky voice. Next came what seemed as a righteous anger towards the godless & hopeless ways doctors talk to me about Anna’s condition and how I wish I would have been less sheepish about offering them the remedy I know of in Christ. I kept on kissing Anna’s head as I loaded her into the van. I said, “Anna, it doesn’t matter what they said. You are a gift to me and am going to take the best care of you I can.” I had a good cry and prayed before I left the parking lot.

 

By God’s grace Anna may never show the things Neurologists expect to see just because they got a peek at her brainwaves.  I realize I have been sharing some frustrations toward them, I don't mean to pit myself against them. I've been hurt. I know they want to help and be on our team. Also, I'm sure that there are God-fearing ones that know the Bible as truth. I appreciate that doctors can make our prayer requests more specific. I know the Maker of the brain and He gives love, mercy, grace, hope, compassion, comfort, and righteousness in the hardest of things to live through.  

 

I want you to know that last night God’s providence for me was a magnificent victory! I sat alone peacefully watching the snow fall from the 6^th floor of the hospital while eating Sushi with full knowledge that in doing so, I am helping the gospel reach the oppressed, poor people of Myanmar granting eternal hope and a solid Rock to stand on.

 

Thank you for going to God and praying for us. We are home. We had terrific chicken and dumplings for dinner and sang some more in worship. It was wonderful being reunited with Lindsey, Victor and Renee.

 

Enjoy the celebration of Jesus’ resurrection, I’m so looking forward to it. There is nothing better to focus on in the world!  

 

Nic

God's Help

 

Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

Thanks for praying and believing God's best for us.  

Medical Update

Things are going OK. Part of the problem with this hospital stay is that neurology is complicated and I wasn’t sure I had enough medical “chops” in my special needs dad brain to hang. By God’s grace and Lindsey’s carefully written list of questions we are underway.  Essentially, we are here because Anna has about 80 “spike-wave discharges” per minute that distract her brain from utilizing the time of sleep most useful for amassing memory and learning. Also, I want to holla at The Epilepsy conference of 2022 that posted their hour-long session on ESES to YouTube.

 

Last night’s EEG served as a baseline evaluation to confirm the ESES diagnosis from a year ago. A key difference maker is that Anna has been on anti-seizure meds since July. Should there be a reduction of spike wave discharges (to the tune of less than 40 per minute), then they may send us home without engaging in the Valium treatment at all!! Unfortunately, last night was a horrible baseline sample because she was up nearly all night. It's so hard sleeping in a strange room, a strange bed, with many probes on your head. Anna moved around so much they had to reset the probes 3 times which takes about 30 minutes each time. Add to that, Anna had a middle of the night vomit because I over fed her.

In spite of all that, the report this morning was still favorable, the doc’s liked what they saw but it was inconclusive because she never got to the deeper sleep cycles. So, we are going to try another baseline EEG tonight with a harder bonding agent for the probes.

 

A New Thing in Light of the Past

On the highway approaching the Aurora Children’s hospital, what came to mind was the last time Anna and I were going there. We rode in the back of an ambulance because she needed hospitalization at the same time as Simon. My thoughts started rapid firing, funneling into the dark memories of arriving at the hospital with Anna and being whisked away from her to have a talk behind closed doors where the Neurological team declared Simon as having the same brain damage as Anna, only he was still suffering brain swelling. As I was driving, I cried out for help knowing that Jesus already carried me through that therefore I wasn’t forced to relive it if I didn’t want to. God quickly reminded me that He is writing a new story, healing came into focus not death and destruction. God reeled in the memory, slowed my feelers, and I prayed to my heavenly Father in tears to have pity on us, mercy on Anna, and grace for a victory.

 

Once at the hospital, God rolled out His welcome mat for Anna by arranging the Build a Bear company to be on site giving away an irresistibly, cuddly stuffed cat. God further welcomed us with no insurance snags, we were expecting some! Then He gave me a calm nurse practitioner that helped clarify all my questions and assured us that she had never seen respiratory complications during the Valium treatment that Anna may undergo. All this while Lindsey was having a great day at the park with Renee and Victor.

 

The Lord knew that I was slowly becoming a shaken-up soda bottle with building pressure. The sights and sounds recalled the death of Simon. Before bubbling over, The Lord provided Chaplain Josh to stop by. He works in the mental illness wing full time. “It just so happened” that the Chaplain over the Epilepsy wing needed yesterday off and Josh who is a Bible believing Christian helped out. It was just what the Dr. of Heaven ordered for me. I debriefed with him a bit about the sentiments and memories. He offered encouragement by repeatedly insisting that God isn’t done writing the story. That Satan strikes destruction and death quickly, but life and healing are written on a longer timeline of incidents to the glory of its Author.  

 

Next came EEG Tech Valentina who overheard Anna’s Scripture Lullaby music and wondered about it. She shared her story of being a single mom and knowing her need for God’s help but not having a clue about how to receive it. A few years back she started going to a church that taught the Bible and invited people to receive God’s free gift of salvation through Jesus. Then the story turned into a praise report about how different her life had become with Christ as her King and hope she now has for the kids she treats at the hospital. I encouraged her onward and prayed for her. I let her know that many of the children she served including Anna would one day thank her in heaven. Praise God.

 

The providence of God’s nearness to me today came through Nang Sang. I first met Nang when I worked at the Super Target in south Denver close to 5 years ago. He was our sushi chef, dreaming of owning his own sushi company. I have a natural curiosity for people who stick out and come from other places so we quickly became work friends. Nang is from Myanmar. Through our work interactions we found out that we both loved Jesus and wanted to see Him glorified. One day, he told me he was leaving to go work at Children's hospital and I moved to the Springs. Well today. I was in the lobby waiting for the cafeteria to open, making the most of Anna’s EEG tech “hot gluing” on those probes. As I looked down at my phone minding my own business, a short little Nang bumps into me with a smile of a troublemaker to get my attention. He is now the owner of Seven Star Sushi; they make all the sushi for Children’s Hospital Aurora. My jaw dropped as I said, “praise the Lord.”

 

We didn’t waste any time with small talk. He wanted to testify. He told me what God has done with his little life. When I knew him, he had 17k in immigration related debt, and little English skills. But now he supports over a dozen indigenous missionaries in Myanmar with the excess his business makes. Wow, I told him he could have kept the money here and lived a comfortable life, but Jesus compelled him to bring hope to his unstable country. That got me excited! I told him about Simon and Anna but also that he made my day.

 

Please Pray for:

-          For Anna to get a deep and prolonged sleep tonight. So that the Doc’s would be clearly informed about the best and wisest recommendation for Anna moving forward.

-          Heaven’s truth to ring and cause wonder in Anna’s and my soul as we have been reading Randy Alcorn’s Heaven for kids book at great lengths here.

-          Hospital discharge tomorrow because the spike-wave discharges have become minimal or even absent in her sleep! To the credit of the Lord’s grace and victory.

-           Lindsey to be strengthened as Renee has had a resurgence of meltdowns daily.

   

Thanks for praying,

 

Nic for the Currat’s