Pressing into God

 Dear Prayer Warriors, 

The Bible shows God in relationship with His children. A personal relationship means He is knowable, trust is established, and through experiences we bond and grow fidelity. Nicknames and inside jokes naturally surface.

 

God was God to Abraham then one day, because of one trial Abraham called God Jehovah Jireh. Abraham attached the specific characteristic of Provider when God provided a sacrifice (Gn 22). Hagar observed that God is the God Who sees during her trial, she realized His omnipresence in the remote place where the Angel found her (Gn 16). God revealed to Moses the attribute Him being Healer (Ex 15) and Our Banner (Ex 17) amid his struggles to lead Israel. Gideon built an altar to God because God showed that He is Jehovah Shalom (Jdg 6). King David called God Jehovah-Rohi the Lord my Shepherd (Ps 23). The prophet Samuel declared God to be named Our Helper (1 Sm 7). To name a few. 

 

When I read the Bible it’s easy to see God and His many attributes all at once. But these Truths about God were given one at a time or more certainly one trial at a time. The pitfall in knowing God and His many attributes from Sunday school comes in my prayer life. In my struggles, I can look at my situation like the trauma of Anna’s birth and tight-fistedly declare “God you are Jehovah Rapha heal Anna. it will bring You glory.” The Bible makes it clear that He is healer, it's not too difficult, He can do it and He has healed many times immediately, and His Word promises complete healing in Christ eventually. But God hasn’t healed Anna. I need to move on from the "No" or more accurately "Not yet."

 

Looking back on that trial, I remember a specific night shortly after Anna’s birth, Lindsey and I were returning home from the hospital because they did not allow the parents to stay the night if their newborn was in the intensive care unit.  I dropped Lindsey off at our Apartment complex after another long day of learning new diagnoses and constantly laying down what we thought life would look like with a healthy kid. 

It was dark and snowy, Chicago cold if you know what I mean. The only parking spot I could find after circling the neighborhood was three blocks away. I couldn’t have imagined carrying more burdens on the three block walk home alone. So I prayed aloud in my puffy coat with tears turning into freezing water on my face “God you don’t make mistakes, please heal. It’s a small thing for you to do.” Amid the crunchy footsteps and the frozen air, a peace came over me. I stopped bewildered for a second. I quieted myself, looked around and up at the street light. In that darkness burdens felt lifted, and I humbly confessed in sadness, in faith, and in gentleness “I know that if You don’t heal now, You will equip us for this life with Anna and she will bring us into Your Throne room. She will cause us to come to You. I need faith for that.” That night and the years of faithfulness ensuing, I found the Lord to be the God Who Equips.  

 

Equipper, it's what He wanted me to know Him as then and there. I felt a personal relationship with God that cold night.  To my surprise since then, His equipping has made me see Him as the Alpha and Omega, the One who knows the beginning from the end. He knows the time and place for Anna’s healing. I learned to trust Him more as Sovereign and good in every moment as He calls me to live as a servant to my daughter. Her care is consuming at times, but what a gift and a joy my first-born child is including her disabilities! I am aware that God my equipper sounds very much like Jehovah Jireh. That name was already taken though. This amazing relational grace with God is afforded me because of Jesus crucified. I have assured forgiveness from God according to His Word (Rm 5). I have reconciliation with God the Father and a personal relationship as His child; so when I am in trials, He shows one of His attributes to cling to. Instead of me telling Him what Attribute of His He ought to show me.

Praise the Lord for:

-stories of His glory.

-How He welcomes vulnerable conversational prayers. 

-Family pictures, it was hard without Simon but God has given us a beautiful family to reflect His glory. no matter what it looks like. I remember when I lived for myself I thought I would never marry. so praise God.

Please Pray for:

-Restoration. Today a dear brother led me to the last chapter in the book of Job and my heart exclaimed Restoration! May we come to know God as the restorer of our family like Job did.

 -Further courage from the Lord as we return to Hippo (horseback) therapy. My son Simon was learning horsemanship there and loved everything about it while Anna was taking her horseback riding therapy. Pray for Lindsey to be encouraged at God renewing our commitment there.

-the Lord to bless Lindsey as she develops a relationship with a counselor

Nic for the Currats

Honor to Our King

 

Dear Prayer Warrior,

 

Of all the medical fields relevant to us Neurology brings the most honor to God. Talk to any Neurologist and they will tell you how frustrating and confusing the human mind is and that they surrender constantly to the idea that no one knows. For me, that brings great glory to the Creator. Within me it draws out reverence and the fear of the Lord. God holds the scientific boundaries that these very smart doctors keep running into.

 

In our experience, the field has few treatments, or remedies for the problems it identifies. Neurologists remain in research mode classifying and considering variables with each person. In Anna’s brain Neurology has identified: 1 Brain Damage to multiple cortexes and the basal ganglia, 2 Neo-Natal seizures, 3 Periventricular Leukomalacia, 4 Hypsarrhythmia, 5 Polymicrogyria, 6 Electrical Status Elipitcus in Sleep and 7 clinical seizures. None of these conditions have a cure, although with time Hypsarrhythmia is outgrown.   The truth that every Neurologist sees but has yet to confess is that a person with those labels ought to be seizing constantly and/or be 6ft under. Their brain wave readings seem to describe a person plagued with a monstrous brain; I assure you Anna’s appearance is pleasant, beautiful, full of God’s mercy and grace. Why does Anna seem so free and absent of seizures? It’s for the glory of God. She has, and always will bring people to the Lord in one way or another.

 

In our experience, our Neurologists have rough bedside manner. What they know to be black and white, we don’t automatically see as black and white. They introduce terms and explain things that are so accepted by them and foreign to us.  Usually, it’s a team of three that spend time rewording each other’s thoughts until the listener either stops trying to understand, thinks they understand, or the neuro team cannot find any other way of explaining. All questions will be answered. Neurologists are perfectly clear and there usually is lots of silence as I try to understand. They leave before I want them to. That happened today. Which catapulted me back to the longest most difficult conversation in my life which was to understand what it meant for Neurologists to diagnose Simon as Brain Death (not brain dead) and the legal implications that come with it.   

 

In focusing back on Anna, it’s my turn to share what I think they taught me. Her sleep was deep and long, she revealed much more than any of her previous EEG’s. This one showed consistent levels of spike-wave discharges in her awake state and sleep state thus removing the diagnosis of ESES and not qualifying her for the Valium treatment. For about 30 seconds I thought this was great news, then they shared that her brain is now showing excessive neurologic activity, 80+ spike wave discharges per minute during her awake time as well as her sleep times whereas before it was minimal while awake. Their catch phrase they kept on coming back to was “we treat the person not the EEG.” So that means that on paper Anna should not be able to have much cognition, concentration, and even pay attention. But if you know Anna, that girl is with it.

 

The temptation to be anxious about this is so strong. Like trying to figure out what I should do differently because of the heavy new info. Or worse, images of Anna seizing in my head. This is when I wept and called my bride with the news.

Shortly after I took the discharge papers and walked out of the hospital feeling defeated. As I paced quickly to the front doors, the deja-vu moment was felt. I remember heading to those same doors after losing Simon with great speed too. Once outside, things changed. God brought the song “Turn your eyes upon Jesus” to me at that moment, I sang it in a shaky voice. Next came what seemed as a righteous anger towards the godless & hopeless ways doctors talk to me about Anna’s condition and how I wish I would have been less sheepish about offering them the remedy I know of in Christ. I kept on kissing Anna’s head as I loaded her into the van. I said, “Anna, it doesn’t matter what they said. You are a gift to me and am going to take the best care of you I can.” I had a good cry and prayed before I left the parking lot.

 

By God’s grace Anna may never show the things Neurologists expect to see just because they got a peek at her brainwaves.  I realize I have been sharing some frustrations toward them, I don't mean to pit myself against them. I've been hurt. I know they want to help and be on our team. Also, I'm sure that there are God-fearing ones that know the Bible as truth. I appreciate that doctors can make our prayer requests more specific. I know the Maker of the brain and He gives love, mercy, grace, hope, compassion, comfort, and righteousness in the hardest of things to live through.  

 

I want you to know that last night God’s providence for me was a magnificent victory! I sat alone peacefully watching the snow fall from the 6^th floor of the hospital while eating Sushi with full knowledge that in doing so, I am helping the gospel reach the oppressed, poor people of Myanmar granting eternal hope and a solid Rock to stand on.

 

Thank you for going to God and praying for us. We are home. We had terrific chicken and dumplings for dinner and sang some more in worship. It was wonderful being reunited with Lindsey, Victor and Renee.

 

Enjoy the celebration of Jesus’ resurrection, I’m so looking forward to it. There is nothing better to focus on in the world!  

 

Nic

God's Help

 

Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

Thanks for praying and believing God's best for us.  

Medical Update

Things are going OK. Part of the problem with this hospital stay is that neurology is complicated and I wasn’t sure I had enough medical “chops” in my special needs dad brain to hang. By God’s grace and Lindsey’s carefully written list of questions we are underway.  Essentially, we are here because Anna has about 80 “spike-wave discharges” per minute that distract her brain from utilizing the time of sleep most useful for amassing memory and learning. Also, I want to holla at The Epilepsy conference of 2022 that posted their hour-long session on ESES to YouTube.

 

Last night’s EEG served as a baseline evaluation to confirm the ESES diagnosis from a year ago. A key difference maker is that Anna has been on anti-seizure meds since July. Should there be a reduction of spike wave discharges (to the tune of less than 40 per minute), then they may send us home without engaging in the Valium treatment at all!! Unfortunately, last night was a horrible baseline sample because she was up nearly all night. It's so hard sleeping in a strange room, a strange bed, with many probes on your head. Anna moved around so much they had to reset the probes 3 times which takes about 30 minutes each time. Add to that, Anna had a middle of the night vomit because I over fed her.

In spite of all that, the report this morning was still favorable, the doc’s liked what they saw but it was inconclusive because she never got to the deeper sleep cycles. So, we are going to try another baseline EEG tonight with a harder bonding agent for the probes.

 

A New Thing in Light of the Past

On the highway approaching the Aurora Children’s hospital, what came to mind was the last time Anna and I were going there. We rode in the back of an ambulance because she needed hospitalization at the same time as Simon. My thoughts started rapid firing, funneling into the dark memories of arriving at the hospital with Anna and being whisked away from her to have a talk behind closed doors where the Neurological team declared Simon as having the same brain damage as Anna, only he was still suffering brain swelling. As I was driving, I cried out for help knowing that Jesus already carried me through that therefore I wasn’t forced to relive it if I didn’t want to. God quickly reminded me that He is writing a new story, healing came into focus not death and destruction. God reeled in the memory, slowed my feelers, and I prayed to my heavenly Father in tears to have pity on us, mercy on Anna, and grace for a victory.

 

Once at the hospital, God rolled out His welcome mat for Anna by arranging the Build a Bear company to be on site giving away an irresistibly, cuddly stuffed cat. God further welcomed us with no insurance snags, we were expecting some! Then He gave me a calm nurse practitioner that helped clarify all my questions and assured us that she had never seen respiratory complications during the Valium treatment that Anna may undergo. All this while Lindsey was having a great day at the park with Renee and Victor.

 

The Lord knew that I was slowly becoming a shaken-up soda bottle with building pressure. The sights and sounds recalled the death of Simon. Before bubbling over, The Lord provided Chaplain Josh to stop by. He works in the mental illness wing full time. “It just so happened” that the Chaplain over the Epilepsy wing needed yesterday off and Josh who is a Bible believing Christian helped out. It was just what the Dr. of Heaven ordered for me. I debriefed with him a bit about the sentiments and memories. He offered encouragement by repeatedly insisting that God isn’t done writing the story. That Satan strikes destruction and death quickly, but life and healing are written on a longer timeline of incidents to the glory of its Author.  

 

Next came EEG Tech Valentina who overheard Anna’s Scripture Lullaby music and wondered about it. She shared her story of being a single mom and knowing her need for God’s help but not having a clue about how to receive it. A few years back she started going to a church that taught the Bible and invited people to receive God’s free gift of salvation through Jesus. Then the story turned into a praise report about how different her life had become with Christ as her King and hope she now has for the kids she treats at the hospital. I encouraged her onward and prayed for her. I let her know that many of the children she served including Anna would one day thank her in heaven. Praise God.

 

The providence of God’s nearness to me today came through Nang Sang. I first met Nang when I worked at the Super Target in south Denver close to 5 years ago. He was our sushi chef, dreaming of owning his own sushi company. I have a natural curiosity for people who stick out and come from other places so we quickly became work friends. Nang is from Myanmar. Through our work interactions we found out that we both loved Jesus and wanted to see Him glorified. One day, he told me he was leaving to go work at Children's hospital and I moved to the Springs. Well today. I was in the lobby waiting for the cafeteria to open, making the most of Anna’s EEG tech “hot gluing” on those probes. As I looked down at my phone minding my own business, a short little Nang bumps into me with a smile of a troublemaker to get my attention. He is now the owner of Seven Star Sushi; they make all the sushi for Children’s Hospital Aurora. My jaw dropped as I said, “praise the Lord.”

 

We didn’t waste any time with small talk. He wanted to testify. He told me what God has done with his little life. When I knew him, he had 17k in immigration related debt, and little English skills. But now he supports over a dozen indigenous missionaries in Myanmar with the excess his business makes. Wow, I told him he could have kept the money here and lived a comfortable life, but Jesus compelled him to bring hope to his unstable country. That got me excited! I told him about Simon and Anna but also that he made my day.

 

Please Pray for:

-          For Anna to get a deep and prolonged sleep tonight. So that the Doc’s would be clearly informed about the best and wisest recommendation for Anna moving forward.

-          Heaven’s truth to ring and cause wonder in Anna’s and my soul as we have been reading Randy Alcorn’s Heaven for kids book at great lengths here.

-          Hospital discharge tomorrow because the spike-wave discharges have become minimal or even absent in her sleep! To the credit of the Lord’s grace and victory.

-           Lindsey to be strengthened as Renee has had a resurgence of meltdowns daily.

   

Thanks for praying,

 

Nic for the Currat’s

The Lord Over Milestones

 Prayer Warriors,

Victor’s been trying to jump. Ever seen a 1-year-old with perfect concentration, uttering “hhhuhhhhh up, hhhhuuuuhhh up” as he goes from a semi-squatting position to his tippy-toes in a grand effort to leave the ground? It’s quite a jerking motion and he has yet to get airborne. lately he has added swinging his arms to further convince his motion to leave the ground, but still no flight. In taking a step back, it’s a blessed providence from God that Victor has been achieving many milestones as we have been walking through our deepest valley. I have been thankful and joyful because of the growth, I never take for granted. What a gift to be the dad that encourages and cares for both my disabled girl with only a few milestones and my able other kids who have had many milestones. Each ability signifies God’s neurological grace to my children, praise God.

 

I have come to find that the valley of the shadow of death also has milestones. Anyone who has lost a dear loved one will attest. The bereaved take years to pass some milestones or find themselves unable to pass them. It’s a deep heart work to allow death to cross-examine my beliefs in the Lord, while grieving and sorrowful. That is no joke. Yet Jesus uplifts us as our sympathetic high priest. He defends the claims that I cling to because it comes from His Word. Achieving our death milestones is not because I have a strong anything; rather I have a relentless Shepherd whose wing I take refuge in. By God’s grace I have grown a strong dependance on needing Him. He knows this terrain, its milestones, and He has shepherded millions of sheep through this valley of the shadow of death before me!

 

Since Simon’s passing, Victor has learned to crawl, walk, run, feed himself, sleep through the night and use hand signs for his needs. Comparatively, God taught me to “rollover” in tears begging Him for Simon’s life while finishing my prayers with “nevertheless, have thine own way Lord.” Next, Jesus encouraged me to “sit up” in surrender of my son who was never mine to keep. I was brokenhearted, but God gave me praying warriors, and thankfulness to sit me upright before Him. My Shepherd gave me His Words of heaven teaching me to “eat” and gain strength in this valley. Jesus kept asking me to give Him the weight of my burdens, He held my hand as my wobbly legs learned to balance. He steered me into songs, allowing me to “stand” on the promises of God. I learned the hard milestone of “walking” with Simon’s absence by keeping my eyes on Jesus. All along the way I found the Holy Spirit’s nearness to temper the onslaught of grief. I “ran” with the help of a counselor, family, and friends through holidays and birthdays of life. All glory to God.  

 

Now, like Victor I just want to jump. “Jump” back into rhythm, routine, with great grace and my newfound respect for hope. I’m eager for gladness and joy, but my feet are not leaving the ground yet. I’m swinging my arms, semi-squatting, jerking a bit –I can’t seem to get beyond my tippy-toes. Then outta nowhere a fresh wave of missing Simon intensifies my emotions, and knocks me down. This time it was returning the library books 8 months late, the ones he picked out on that day he got bit and went into cardiac arrest. 

 

The Lord has been slowing me down to see that abiding in Him means waiting not wanting. While waiting, I am to deepen my vow to my bride. To Increase friendship with my best friend, to pray with her, my sweet companion Lindsey. One of the best pieces of advice I got through this is “make sure Lindsey feels like she is being heard.” I need to keep on reading that book about how children grieve to help with Renee. I need to take on new responsibilities with Anna’s care so that my best friend isn’t impacted by these things as much. And yes, I need to do the dishes more. May the Lord help us find rest and renewal so I can give of myself as a servant to her. I praise God that I still have my bride to go through all this with me. To outdo each other in submissiveness, to honor and bless.

 

I feel like I just shared a huge chunk of prayer requests right there. What grace to receive intercession the Father from most who reads this. I am convinced that God’s writing a testimony for His glory by how He is holding our marriage together with His unfailing love. “I want to make much of you Jesus” for equipping and leading us in marriage.

 

Praise the Lord:

-We have been able have people over again for fellowship and singing.

-I have been built up in discipleship, in the Word, and in prayer.

- We continue to be healthy and able to enjoy our time together.

-Renee and I went on a ski trip which included ice skating and tubing with uncle Will.

 

Please pray for:

-The Lord to give us the “ground we walk on” as He did for Joshua as we reenter the hospital where Simon died and stay there for three days next week with Anna.

- Anna’s inpatient stay for her Electric Status Epilepticus in sleep (ESES) treatment is scheduled for this Monday the 3^rd. Pray it won’t be delayed again as it took 5 months to reschedule this. Pray that Monday’s treatment (and the following 3 months consisting of a heavy dose of valium) would not cause respiratory or heart complications. Pray that the studied benefits of this treatment would be imparted to her which includes increased cognition, speech, and fewer brain wave patterns that manifest “spark” potentials for seizures.

-A new direction in Anna’s schooling as we have felt that homeschooling is not in her best interest. Pray that our school district would refer us to Boces School of Excellence given Anna’s needs. Which is a school for the disabled paid into by each school district, if this is the Lord’s direction for us. We continue to be discouraged by the homebound therapy services Anna is receiving.

-Renee would return to sleeping in her room or transition to sharing a room with Victor.

 

Thankful for our Savior who rose from the grave,

 

Nic

continued deliverance

Hello Prayer Warriors,

Raising Anna brought us into communities where we can ask other parents of special needs kids for advice on therapies, surgeries, hospitals, insurance, etc... I have spent time with families as they experience their child endure a life of suffering and then die before turning 10. God taught me that there is always someone with a sicker kid, more medically complex, more disadvantaged than Anna.

Losing Simon is no different, what a gift he was/is. In losing him, Christ is fighting my biggest battles to date. Praise God for the Spiritual authority granted to believers by the blood of Jesus to identify attacks, command rejection, and put in place a memory verse and pray for a righteous aim instead. Instead of being swallowed up in sorrow. Jesus helps me be other-centered amid the battle. "Thank you Lord for mercy and wisdom." The Christian under fire, no matter the hardship, even in martyrdom has favor. The favor of being heard by God.   

"On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many."

2 Corinthians 1:10b-11 

The context of this verse is about Paul giving a missionary update. Nonetheless, this verse made me think how effective praying has been for us in our loss.  God’s immense favor shines by His answered prayers. May they be a mutual affirmation to you.

God’s Word comforts us

First of all, God’s Word has been the greatest of comforts, from the verses on the wall of our bedroom to memory verses reminding me of God’s comfort and care for the mourner. The verses "mourn with those who mourn" and "blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted" have become like a precious gem the Lord forged in this fight for faith. Greater still are the Biblical promises of life after death, a hope that doesn't end, and a reunion with God face to face. Alleluia. By God's grace, I'm better equipped in the Scriptures should the Lord lead me to comfort others who mourn. I hope I share the same compassion, generosity, and sensitivity to the bereaved that Ruth showed Naomi.   

God’s Protection in our Valley

One of the earliest prayer requests in this journey was to not be hurt by insensitive comments from people aiming to love but misfiring. I was surprised by how many people sought to equate our loss to their experiences with death, this tempted me to be quarrelsome but God helped me see they just wanted to help us. Even amid the media’s interests, the “peanut gallery” was a mere flesh wound in keeping Jesus first. I remember being asked “Did Simon get the COVID vaccine?” God answered our prayers with grace and protection by making those clumsy comments minimal and forgetful, not penetrating to the heart. Instead, the Lord gave us people who had remarks of faith. A mom who has closely walked alongside Lindsey during our loss, who never met Simon, listened well to the many offerings of ours about Simon’s character and concluded sweetly one day: “I can’t wait to meet him!!” Another standout comment came at the end of a church service when the stranger next to me asked how he could pray for me (I had been weeping during the service), after I shared my grief, he looked me in the eye with sincerity and said “thank you for telling me, thank you for telling me.”

 

God Shepherding Our Children  

Another answer to prayer came in the form of shepherding our children’s hearts as they lost their brother, leader, and friend. I will never forget needing to set the stage in Simon’s hospital room bringing his clothes, his stuffed animals, pillows and blankets so the innocence of Renee, Victor, and Anna would not be scared off as they came to say goodbye to Simon on that death bed. They each lay next to motionless Simon with his breathing tube in place, playfully. They were not in a hurry for the moment to end. Then as the weeks and months progressed, so did our prayers! What does it look like to grant space for Renee to grieve, to find the words for her feelings as she grasps her first comprehension of death. God gave several answers to that one. One came in the form of godly children’s books as Lindsey dutifully researched.

Christ our Marital Foundation

Our Prayer Warriors especially prayed for marital unity. We needed space for Lindsey and me to grieve and also to “date night” grieve together. God saw it fit to provide Renee's bible study leader who, without being asked, chose to drive 30 minutes south to be with Victor and Renee while Anna has therapy every Monday since the start of the school year. This has given Lindsey 3 hours to be freed up every Monday, this gift of grace from God is still ongoing. Next, we have formed marital unity through increased times of praying together. We have been able to talk, share our hearts and pray after the kids go to bed. I notice more encouragement, more prizing one another for the treasure God made us to be, each for the other. Lindsey remains funnier than I, however I am goofier than she. 

Jesus my Reward

Through the years of asking for prayer for my family, one of my most recurring request has been: “that the Holy Spirit would put a song on my heart to have through the day.” I agree with the Brooklyn Tabernacle choir when they sing “I never lost my praise.” By God's grace that is my testimony. The singing is gaining momentum, drenching me in joy. Just this last Friday we celebrated Anna’s 9^th birthday and planned to sing 3 songs to God in thanksgiving. It turned into a hymn-sing that lasted the majority of the night. Glory to God, the Shepherd of my soul & the Victor of my battles! 

Praise God for:

-Anna’s 9^th year of life and answers to prayer. Praise God for her joy and peaceful disposition.

-Answers to prayer that serve as an encouragement to you and me. They serve as proof of His unfailing love administered so personally and perfectly. Daddy loves me!

-For the church’s support, one body with many parts, helpful and hopeful.

 

Please pray for:

-God to deliver us, as we hope in Jesus and continue to experience intimacy with Him through the Word. 

-continued protection from harsh comments. We are still weeping, still sorrowful, still hopeful, still believing. 

-great success in Anna’s ESES treatment coming up in early April. It's a 4-day planned hospitalization, for her cognition to improve and seizure activity to be absent.

-marital enrichment, bonding as we seek God and desire His best for us. Also for quiet time with Jesus for each of us!  

- the Lord to provide another night nurse as ours got promoted

Thank you for praying!!!

Nic

Tethered to the Throne Room

 

Dear Prayer Warriors,

Thanks for your prayers over the last few weeks! God lovingly helped us through our emotions and Simon's birthday.  Life got in the way a bit. I returned early from being with Lindsey because Anna needed intervention all day long. She had been pooling large amounts of mucus in her throat and once her airway was bothered by it, out it comes at a fast rate. No match for the suction machine. Pray for Anna, as she is still not baseline. For about a week now we have reduced her overnight feed to 50% of the normal rate to avoid those mucus episodes and night. She has lost a couple of pounds because of all this (and she ain’t got pounds to spare). Pray for wisdom for us as her illnesses are largely a guessing game based on what we observe. Shoot let's go for the logical best-case, faith-filled conclusion: pray that Anna could speak to tell us what is causing her pain and discomfort, moreover for her complete healing and healthy neurological connections.

Right now (Friday night) this is all coming to a head. I am in the ER with Anna because we missed clinic hours and we suspect a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). Her urine started smelling bad. The last time she had a UTI she had seizures with it. Instead of waiting till Monday we got her in. What a gift from God to be in a city that has this kind of care available anytime. Mom’s hunch was praised by the doctors, Anna was diagnosed with another UTI and so Anna and I went home with antibiotics.

We listened to a little Rend Collective on the way home from the hospital and they sang about Jesus being the binder of our wounds, the comforter to those who mourn, He gives hope to breathe again, the One who sets us on our feet again, even in the darkness He’s beautiful, even in the shadows He loves you still. “What’s true in the light is still true in the dark.”  As that washed over my mind. I turned down the music and talked to Anna, this time the Holy Spirit invited me to pray too. This was the thought I prayed to the Lord.

“Father, where would my faith be if it wasn’t for Anna? It seems that nothing keeps me interceding at Your feet more than her, her needs can overwhelm. She’s a portion of the yoke You asked me to take up with my bride. Not we, but Christ in us. You God! You are the equipper, the enabler, the power within us. All this for sweet Anna pie without repayment and with a cheerful attitude what grace you give God. I praise you God. I wouldn’t know you this way if it weren’t for Anna. You are not only a great Physician but a tremendous caretaker.

It’s another Friday night, date night, movie night, relax and unwind night for the normal world, yet I’m leaving the hospital. I feel victorious because we have a direction and medication to restore her, and heal, thank you. There is no place I’d rather be than on my way home praising You.

I remember my sister in the Lord once told me “sometimes I wish I had Anna because she is like a tether keeping you in the throne room of the Lord.” Father, I can safely conclude that I would not have been able to trust You through the loss of Simon had You not already been working heavily on us through Anna. Had You healed Anna within the first 8 years of her life like I asked and wanted so many times, that tether cord would have been cut. I would have counted my miraculous blessings and moved on. Perhaps I would have been minced meat before Satan on that day in early July when Simon got bit by the snake. But no, by your spiritual formation of me I knew to pray and not relent, to stay tethered to You God. I knew to bring God’s Word into every hospital room and keep it at the forefront of Simon’s mind in those days of his dying. I remembered how soothing to the heart singing was at Anna’s birth and so we sang and sang and sang.

In Your wisdom, that tether is still not cut Lord, Anna is still here and so am I at your feet. Keep meeting our needs, keep opening doors, keep softening our hearts until you see it fit for full healing. Amen."

“By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.” 2 Peter 1:3 NLT

Sunday night update: Anna is now up to 80% of her normal feeding rate and much more animated.

Praise God for:

-The encouragement people gave us during Simon's birthday. 

Please pray for:

-Anna’s respite worker Chrystal who is midway through reading a kid’s version of A Pilgrim’s Progress to Anna. She is enthralled at the story asking Lindsey where to find this in the Bible.

-Renee’s birthday is coming up this Wednesday the 15^th. We are going to celebrate. We got some extended family coming in! Renee’s excitement is contagious and comically sweet. “I want purple and pink and red and brown and blue frosting.” We look to be met with joy and encouragement. 

-Renee’s heart as she has expressed missing Simon in words wishing he could come to her birthday party. More recently she asked “How old was I when Simon died?”

Love,

Nic

 

Simon's Birthday: Sifting through Sentimentality

Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

February 3^rd, we are less than a week away from Simon’s birthday. Sentimentality is at an all-time high. I thank God for how He has ushered in this coming week so far with His careful handling of my feelings. Like a conductor of a large orchestra is the Holy Spirit to my many emotions right now.

 

We attended a night of prayer and praise at our church this past week. We were asked to “pray with those around you”, Lindsey and I split up. I found three intriguing high school aged boys at this meeting. I asked them to pray for me about the coming week, I was in tears explaining my loss and the nerves of the approaching birthday. I told them that God had equipped us to walk this far and so I know that with prayer and dependance on Him, amid our weakness, that Jesus would be our strength as we remain in the pathway of His blessing. They nodded, agreed, and prayed. The shortest one prayed in a trembling voice “Wow God you did it again, making connection only you can make, My birthday is on February 3^rd too.” As I returned to Lindsey after prayer, that young man came into my row and asked if he could give me a hug. In that embrace, the Lord gave me the sense memory of hugging Simon, this young man was similar in height landing his head in my lower ribcage. It was such a loving heart-felt gesture from God through this young man. He is right, only God could draw meaning in such a moment for this teenager and myself. I will be thanking God for this young man on Simon’s birthday. Oh and also our newly sponsored Compassion child in Rwanda named Fred, He shares Simon’s actual birthdate turning 7.

 

Lindsey has been blessing the local foster care program with new clothes and boots. She finds much humility and healing in buying clothes that would likely fit Simon and donating them. Praise God for the generosity others showed us in our loss that we could buy for those that have next to nothing and be ministered to at the same time.

 

There are other sentimental notes my Maestro has been playing on my heart none of it is in anguish, bitterness, or pain. It has been sweet to remember Simon’s life in this way leading up to his birthday. I imagine, in the years to come, the sentimentality will be reduced. None of it is wasted. Please if you see us, don’t ignore the elephant in the room: ask about how we are doing since losing Simon knowing that his birthday is here. Ask what has been encouraging us lately. We find it hard when people we love don’t want to talk about it. I look for God’s immovable comfort amid sentimentality because the world offers Ikea quality comfort.  “As long as we remember him, he is still alive.” Another we hear is “he is with you, every time you see a dragonfly (or whatever) that is him.” I don’t find comfort in those things. I don’t wish to be reliving the life God has already made me live. I want to remain thankful and full of praise for the road He has me on. God be praised for making those who endure sorrow experience His goodness if we let Him direct our understanding.

 

It’s not who Simon was that I wish to remember on His birthday as much as it is what God did through him. How God carved, molded and shaped him. How Jesus wooed Simon’s heart at such a young age. Moreover, how did God use Simon to build me up into Christlikeness? My life was so good with Simon in it. He was our milestone boy, all the things we hoped to see in Anna we saw with Simon. What a balm of hope and healing Simon was to the unnatural daily hardships of being Anna’s parents. Simon is part of my story, not my identity. I’m a bit more emotional about it now this week. Praise the Lord that His Holy Spirit indwelling me bridles those feelings and thoughts. I want to share with you committed prayer warriors something that I printed out and have hanging above my desk at work. I frequently check it. It was authored by a person who has suffered similarly and I share it with permission replacing his son's name with mine in the hopes of directing prayers this week for us. He calls it his Manifesto.

 “By faith I will accept Simon’s death as God’s will, and by faith accept that God’s will is always good. By faith I will be at peace with Providence, and by faith at peace with its every decree. By faith I will praise God in the taking as I did in the giving, and by faith receive from his hand this sorrow as I have so many joys. I will grieve but not grumble, mourn but not murmur, weep but not whine

Though I will be scarred by Simon’s death, I will not be defined by it. Though it will always be part of my story, it will never become my identity. I will be forever thankful that God gave me children and never resentful that he called him home. My joy in having loved Simon will be greater than my grief in having lost him. I will not waver in my faith, nor abandon my hope, nor revoke my love. I will not charge God with wrong.

I will receive this trial as a responsibility to steward, not a punishment to endure. I will look for God’s smile in it rather than his frown, listen for his words of blessing rather than his voice of rebuke. This sorrow will not make me angry or bitter, nor cause me to act out in rebellion or indignation. Rather, it will make me kinder and gentler, more patient and loving, more compassionate and sympathetic. It will loose my heart from the things of earth and fix it on the things of heaven. The loss of my son will make me more like God’s Son, my sorrow like the Man of Sorrows.

I will continue to love God and trust him, continue to pursue God and enjoy him, continue to worship God and boast of his many mercies. I will look with longing to the day of Christ’s return and with expectation to the day of resurrection. I will remain steadfast and immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord. I will forget what lies behind and strain forward to what lies ahead, always pressing on toward the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. I will lay aside every weight and sin that clings so closely and run with endurance the race that is set before me, looking always to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of my faith. I will remain faithful until I have fought the good fight and finished the race and kept the faith. I will die as I have lived—a follower of Jesus Christ. Then, by grace, I will go to be with Jesus, and go to be with Simon.”

 

This ministers deeply and helps me aim for the glory of God. In faith with grace I can say like Job: “ But he (God) knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.” Job 23:10  

 

Please pray for:

-Anna to return to a baseline. Its been a long winter with something out of normal with her care or routines for the last 3 months. Pray for respiratory strength, digestive health and a immune system that don’t quit.

-Lindsey’s solitude retreat. To be a tipping point toward a season of blessing and purpose driven living. She desired to celebrate her birthday with some quiet contemplative time and I am happy to accommodate this with Grandma Sandy’s help.

-Like Elisha asked at Elijah’s home going: for our children to receive a double portion of Simon’s spirit for Christ. His care for others, his helpfulness, his love for God’s Word, his intellect, his creativity and his love.

 

Nic for the Currats