Agape Love

 Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

 I’m coming to you with stacks on stacks of praise. This Lord of ours has shown me so much steadfast love and grace. He has been more than the Lifter of my head, more than the Giver of good gifts. At the center, He is my Father. The Author of my providence. Whose I am means more to me now than who I am.

 

Let me give you more to grasp onto so we can share in the awe of answered prayer, starting with work. Peace, laughter and rich communication redefines a specific relationship that was once difficult and frustrating, God showed me mercy through this renewed relationship. In regards to my struggles to lead compassionately as a servant leader, a team member boldly asked me to promote and develop. What this means is that in the past few weeks I have articulated with enthusiasm not just company goals, but philosophy of leadership and identified his skills. This guy could have asked a year ago or two months from now, but instead he came to me right after my confession of pridefulness. Praise God, it’s as if I am lifting up this coworker to succeed more. The Lord divinely directed this circumstance at just the right time. God is the softener of my heart in the hard places. Now this team member works with a whole new perspective, with a greater buy-in to why we do what we do. It gratified my mind to invest in this way. Lastly, our store has been comping (gaining sales) exceptionally well, operationally we got recognized as “top dog” among 100 stores. This favorable providence at work draws praise out of me especially when I know how intentionally we have been in prayer about this. Thank you!!!

I am humbled about how this ask for prayer has turned out. It reminds me of this praise song lyric: “So I run to the Father, fall into grace, I'm done with the hiding no reason to wait. My heart needs a surgeon, my soul needs a friend so I run to the father again, and again, and again,”

 

In 10 days, we aim to honor and thank Jesus our Shepherd for the life of Simon Emmanuel. Our Simon-Diamond! What love and healing he brought to me. This past Father’s Day, I shared with my children graveside how Anna’s birth caused me to surrender nearly all things a normal daddy looks forward to. Then Simon was born, slowly as he grew, I got to pick these “daddy things” up that I laid down years ago. Carrying him on my shoulders for the first time was one of those moments of healing he brought me.

 

When Simon was nearly two, we visited the Littleton Historical Museum. It’s a turn of the century farm with many animals, a blacksmithing shack and a terrific Little House on the Prairie type home. He explored with great wonderment the sights and smells via those young feet with a tiny gait. The idea just came to me, let me try and have him sit on my shoulders. Perhaps it was my sense of belonging to him that made me want to scoop him up, it was a joyful thing. I was as proud as a king being crowned.  For the first time, I carried a child of mine on my shoulders even though I had been a father for 5 years already. It was a joyful, healing daddy thing. In looking back, God didn’t tell me to buck up and get tough on that longing, nor that I should be grateful just to have Anna as is (which I am). Carrying Simon didn’t bring healing to Anna; but it showed me that God has great love to give me through this son.

 

I am about to cross over two years of grief and pressing into the bounty of hope found only in the Word. I have learned lots but it doesn't replace the tremendous relationship I once shared with my wonderful boy. Jesus, it is Jesus the only hope that doesn’t disappoint when I take Him at His Word, He became my greatest reliance in loss. My bride at my side served as a radical reminder that God is still good, I can surrender and walk in this though I don’t want to. I am reminded of God’s goodness and love even when I still weep because of Lindsey’s faith.  It is love that I linger on the most, the love I have received humbles me, I have never looked at 1 Corinthians 13 more in my life and tried to apply it.  

 

The best summation of how I feel going into this current wave of grief at the two year mark comes from a recent short video I watched from a wise old lady named Joni Eareckson Tada. She observes that in suffering there is great spiritual gain, prayers like “teach me Lord through this.” Is lofty and righteous to do yet it is still left wanting. She offers this illustration:

 "Suppose I was a little girl on my bike and this great downhill portion is ahead of me.  I engage it, lose control in the soft gravel and fly off the bike landing with cuts, blood, screaming in pain. My father quickly comes to my aid. He could say “your shoelace is untied, you started braking too late, always avoid gravel, I told you to pump up the tires. next time you will know.” But No. No, not all!  All that little girl just wants at that moment is her daddy’s arms around her, holding her, telling her it's going to be ok, "I love you."

At this milestone, all I am interested in is my Perfect Heavenly Father holding me, comforting me, giving me peace, telling me whose I am. His authorship and relationship with me is far greater than lessons learned and head knowledge, His love is better than refinement, its agape love.

 

Please Pray for:

-Anna. For God to assign His best choice for our new Speech Therapist. last week we did the intake. We have decided to go clinic-based instead of at-home services. Our aim is for improved communication using her Eye Gaze Device. Tonight we are doing a sleep study at Children’s Hospital that is why I am finding a little time to write. Pray that she can sleep with all those probes and wires. Also, the 12 Botox injects last month have been worthwhile.

-continued grace and love as we believe God’s best for our family. The Lord gives, the Lord has taken away, Blessed be the Lord. May we always see Simon as a vital, important part of our family in his absence too. I have been intentional to impress on our kids the value and importance they each bring as part of our family. We are planning a small family outing on July 5th. for the Lord's protection and wisdom too. 

-Continued transformation at work into Christ likeness with great love. 

- Mom. she has been doing well, she is not having falls or much confusion at all. and my work has enabled me to see her every week by giving me a half day weekly. she is about an hour and a half away. 

"We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all God’s people— the faith and love that spring from the hope stored up for you in heaven and about which you have already heard in the true message of the gospel." Colossians 1:3-5 let us believe this for one another for the gospel's sake!

With Love, 

Nic for the Currats

Because He Lives

 Dear Prayer Warriors,

Heavenly Daydreaming

I’m dumbfounded at the stunt these wriggly little caterpillars pull off. They live, eat, wiggle around, doing lively things. Their life is interrupted, they become closed off, dormant.  After a long wait they emerge with completely other gifts, abilities, and skill sets as a butterfly. I’ve always seen it as a picture of salvation. However, this time around, I find it to be a picture of the glorification that believers will undergo in eternity. This life is represented by the caterpillar, death as the cocoon, and eternal life reigning with Jesus as the butterfly. I struggle leading at Target, what would reigning look like for me with Jesus? Yikes, it would have to take a caterpillar-butterfly kind of transformation. I can’t imagine being aligned as an extension of His reign but that is what is addressed in 2 Timothy 2:11-13.

“The saying is sure:

If we have died with him, we shall also live with him;

if we endure, we shall also reign with him;

if we deny him, he also will deny us;

if we are faithless, he remains faithful— for he cannot deny himself.”

 

Considering the biblical hereafter has got this caterpillar being brave to endure. Then there’s Anna who is enduring an earthly life of daily hardship and disability. Never once has she misspoken, never has she lied, sought out sin. I become filled with wonder at her glorification when granted by Jesus. I used to imagine her singing and running and enjoying the abilities that she doesn’t have -how sophomoric! Her eternal prognosis, her "butterflyism" if you will, makes me think that she will radiate and reign with Christ among the greatest of servants. God has given her such a unique mission in this life. What blessed mysteries, such hope founded on simply looking in the Word.  

Sin Slaying

I crave the eternity of heaven like never before and find the distastefulness of this fallen world as even more difficult to endure. I’m sick and tired of sin. Having it, dealing with it in fear and trembling. Even stuff in the “repented from” category, something I’ve been victorious from for years can suddenly tempt and catch me off guard. I thought I grew past this? Also, when my sins of omission become revealed by the Holy Spirit and I see how often I commission that sin, how oblivious was I beforehand? I need Jesus! Praise God that Scripture gives clear direction on what to do with sin. It insists on an honest walk in the light where artillery like repentance and prayer work better than seeking perfectionism. The Bible tells me to look to Jesus (not within) for freedom from sin. I identify with those worship songs that say “I’m never going back.”

 

At AWANA this year we have been studying the fruits of the Spirit, ending with joy. Joy is also in Target’s (where I work) mission statement. Somewhere in the fullness of my days, the fruit of the Spirit called joy turned into a visitor instead of a constant companion. It is most apparent at work. I find pride malforming my thought life. It’s not the boastful Gaston of Beauty and the Beast kind of pride. Rather it’s a type of pride that seeks to control things. This pride is defensive, jumping to conclusions, and assumes a right understanding of situations by having a ready answer for everything. My pride grows a furrowed brow and a stinky attitude. Apathy towards others instead of love. It stresses me out, shortens eye contact, is abrasive, and Self-righteous.  To sum it up: I am at times a banging gong or a clanging cymbal without love. But God is good when I am not, when life is hard, He will lead me away as I confess and obey.

 

I have walked and repented with Jesus long enough to know that focusing on the sin to slay it is not doing it in the power the Lord supplies. Pray for me, that love may abound as I fix on Jesus and live with compassion for the people and the life already in front of me. May I renew my obedience to His Word particularly in passages about speech and character like the end of Ephesians 4, or Romans 12, and Colossians 3. In Christ’s grace and by the regeneration of the Holy Spirit, may I deny the pride I have come to exert and live a holy life pleasing to God.  

 

Family and Fruit

We continue dealing with the presence of Simon’s absence. Last month Renee had a string of nights where she was preoccupied with missing Simon. It was unusual because she sleeps through the night so well, for some reason, that week she spent night after night awake for almost all of it. The first couple of nights, mom stayed up with her and repeated Psalm 23 many times and eventually fell asleep in those embracing Words. The third day, she asked me if we could visit Simon’s tombstone. We did so with 4 Ziplock bags filled with her precious arts and crafts to beautify the marker. I sang and prayed and we stayed there for about 30 minutes. Also noteworthy, Victor has been learning to pray by statements of thankfulness and at dinnertime he blesses us with his toddler vocabulary by saying to the Lord his list of thanks which often includes “thank you for Simon.”

 

I’ve mentioned before that Simon’s death has been used by the Holy Spirit to orchestrate a catalyst, a moment of decision for Christ. It is humbling, I can think of no greater good coming from losing Simon then a person surrendering their own life to Jesus and placing their hope in Christ for eternity. There was one man at the Men’s prayer breakfast two years ago (in August) and two weeks ago there was another. Others planted and watered, and Simon’s story became the sickle in the harvesting. What pardon and grace lavished on this man’s life by God. All praise, it is the Lord who brought the growth!

 

I have spent my days since in communication with this born-again believer, eager to help and pray for him. We made it to church, the food pantry, into his past sorrows, and into God’s Word. I am so refreshed in the Lord to share in his excitement. He states things like, “I started reading the book of John with a colored pencil in hand, I’m scared I might color the whole thing because everything is speaking to me.” Also, “I was overwhelmed with anxiousness and had been praying, but now I am overwhelmed with rejoicing.” We are experiencing answers to prayer, as well as Satan trying to retrieve the ground he once claimed in this man’s life. However, He has his eyes on Jesus and is giving Him His rightful praise through it all. I have seldom been on this side of discipleship and so I am clinging on to the Lord’s guidance and willingness to use me as His Spirit leads. I was delighted to hear this man say, “the Scriptures are speaking to me like never before!” because it reminded me so vividly of what God did for me. How His Spirit illuminated Scriptures through faith and spoke to me like never before. This past Sunday he missed going to church and he told me “I missed my goodness for the morning.” He was, (his old man) quite isolated, broken and hopeless. It means so much to him that Paul declares that the old man is gone and the new man in Christ is born. It’s a contagious blessing to hear him encounter the living God at His Word. Being reminded of this during my troubled walk with Jesus has been a lavishing of grace I never considered.

Praise God for:

-Anna! She has gone a little more than a year without an inpatient hospitalization, I think this is the longest stretch, with nothing but a sleep study in sight, glory to God. Also, Anna has had a diagnosis removal (healing) pertaining to her vision I forget what it’s called. But her eyes move together instead of veering off separately.

-A new night nurse. Out of nowhere our home health care company calls to offer another night nurse, after more than a year. She is starting tonight, please pray for her skills to tune into Anna well. Her husband and family are part of the Navigators.

-Renee. Yesterday the training wheels came off and she rode her bike around and around our nearby track. Renee has her first ballet recital in two weeks. She has become more and more of a leader at home caring for Victor with tenderness.

Please Pray for:

-me to conform to Christlikeness. To forsake sin and bear joy and love at work. Internally, please pray for me not to forfeit the peace that I have in Christ for the sake of completing truck freight. I may have a joyful countenance overflowing in spiritual fruit.

- guidance for our summer plans. We are considering returning to Joni and Friends family retreat, doing hippotherapy for Anna, camping.

-the ongoing discipleship and relationship with this new believer. That he would be grounded in the Word, in prayer and be faithful to attending church.

-Our hearts. As we have gained the new normal, marveled at the promises of heaven, surrendered our son and continued to hope. For continued trust in God’s goodness for almost 2 years. Thanks for forbearing with us and being faithful in praying. I say this because I never wanted to walk down this road, you have battled with us, mourned with us, and it has been a journey evidencing God’s grace to a watching world!

 

Thank you,

Nic for the Currats

God Grows Girls

Dear Prayer Warriors,

Righteous Renee

There’s a tremendous gift inside my house reminding me that change is possible. A little over a year ago, our precious Renee was averaging one melt down per day. By that I mean a racing, manic mind swallowed up in moments of discontent. Renee had flailing limbs, yelling, and weeping over trivial things, over important things, and anything that would challenge her will. I always leaned on consequences and discipline, insisting on submission. Lindsey estimated Renee’s heart more, she had empathy, applied grace and showed mercy more carefully. Lindsey could see how our third born was in many ways stepping into the role of firstborn for her little brother Victor. Renee didn’t sign up for that, but praise the Lord she has been given grace for this! I remember a little over a year ago we were exasperated, desperately searching for mercy and help for Renee’s struggles. I can say now that we have become equipped and all of us were found teachable. Thank you for praying. What a difficult trauma Renee had to walk through. 

 

On the first Saturday of this new year, Renee stayed in the church sanctuary instead of going to children’s church. She heard the pastor talk about being born again and whispered to me “I want to be born again.”  We prayed together for Christ to forgive her of her sins because of His cross and resurrection. We prayed that God would make her born again into a living faith. She invited Jesus on the throne of her life. We took communion together. Since then, we have had conversations of what it looks like to count the cost of discipleship, to carry our cross, to live for Jesus and to grow in daily prayer and Bible reading. With the Lord nothing is wasted! In addition to this precious moment, I can recall two more extrabiblical seeds planted in her this past year aiding and leading up to trusting God. 

 

The first one being the fictional life of Little Christiana. We were given volume two of the Little Pilgrim’s Big Journey. None of us had read the Pilgrim’s Progress in any form before, so we were all equally engrossed in it. This version for younger kids placed many relevant Scriptures along the Pilgrim’s path. There are many parallels to make this “hit home” with Renee. Christiana is a little girl whose older brother Christian journeyed to the Celestial City and is no longer with her. In his absence she remembers her brother’s invitation to go with him and to read the King’s book. Upon an invitation from the same man her brother met named Evangelist, Christiana resolves to leave her hometown called Destruction, and to walk the pilgrim path named Difficulty to the Celestial City. She takes her younger brothers with her, they enter the Narrow Gate and advance toward the place of Deliverance, where burdens are removed because of what the King’s Son did for them. The pilgrims keep onward walking a path whose walls are salvation. They are distracted, tempted and enticed from the path by people with names like Mrs. Fear, Impatience, and Discontent. They wander through places like the Bog of Despond or Doubting Castle. Thankfully they also meet people named Lady Wisdom, Great Heart and Good-Will. This adventure helped Renee wonder and awe at a reunion with Simon. It served us well to see that prayers do get answered, rescuing happens, and God’s Word guides when we need help. She understood that following Jesus is difficult but God gives us all we need. Lastly, Renee became very keen on what deception is thanks to this book. I praise God for this wonderful help that fixes our aim on the Kingdom of Heaven.

 

Our second extrabiblical aide arrived last Spring, we found a Christian psychiatrist specializing in play-based child counseling. Renee attended every week for almost a year, her last session will be this coming Monday. The Psychiatrist concluded that a discharge was appropriate citing Renee’s maturity in having processed the trauma of being present when Simon was bit. She added that Renee understood Simon’s death and has applied faith in knowing where he is. Lindsey and I were unsure of what to make of all this so we have been watching her. She still operates with a high energy and behaves without too much consideration of others or of possible consequences. I think that is not too unusual for someone her age. We celebrated her 5^th birthday last month. Praise God.

 

Anna Unlimited

One of the worship songs we sang this last week said “In the waiting, You get the glory. In the healing, You get the glory.” I can think of no clearer statement to sum up surrendering Anna to the Lord for the last 10 years. I invite anyone to coffee with me who believes that God is only glorified in healing because I have found that in the waiting my Shepherd gets the Glory also. Instant supernatural healing became like an idol for me at times. Should it happen, would it be a brilliant bolt of lightning in the night to be talked about for years to come forever changing Anna’s trajectory. By contrast, obedient faith in waiting is more like the sun. It becomes a perpetual light certain that Anna will be healed when it pleases God most because He said He would. This continuous light gets experienced everyday, not just once. Yes our outside is wasting away because of disability, but inwardly God’s Word becomes strength and hope for the lame and their parents. This is a glorious light, it outlasts, it requires abiding. In truth sometimes the circumstances of Anna’s care is such that you have a hard time reconciling God’s goodness to what we are going through, yet God’s Word is faithful in building us up. It is a comfort even for considering salvation and rescue for those who cannot express their cognition of sin and needing a Savior because of their injuries. Here are two verses about the Last Day that comfort me in God’s mindfulness about the disabled.      

“Behold, at that time I will deal
    with all your oppressors.
And I will save the lame
    and gather the outcast,
and I will change their shame into praise
    and renown in all the earth.” 

Zephaniah 3:19

 

 

“I will gather the lame;

    I will assemble the exiles

    and those I have brought to grief.

 I will make the lame my remnant,

    those driven away a strong nation.

The Lord will rule over them in Mount Zion from that day and forever.”

Micah 4:6-7

 

Anna’s 10! We crossed that day with great joy and gladness for Anna’s life. This stood in radical contrast to the actual day and trial of her birth.  Seven weeks after Anna’s birth, Lindsey and I finally brought her home. Anna’s traumatic birth racked up an $800,000 hospital bill. Finally, we could move beyond the unnatural chapter of leaving Anna at the hospital every night and we could stay by her side. We brought her home to our basement apartment in the Albany Park neighborhood of Chicago.  It’s absurd to recall just how assuring our doctors were about the pregnancy, “everything is going great.” Anna stopped moving in the womb at 34 weeks, Anna came into this world through emergency c-section, motionless, and in silence seemingly still born. But God brought life! He stabilized her blood pressure, ended seizures, guided the hand of a brain surgeon, and helped us answer questions about the meaning of life when the doctors probed our willingness to carry on as Anna’s parents given her prognosis. We did experience odd defying, merciful miracles during this time that brought Anna betterment.  It’s the Holy Spirit that met us each day. Our church body ministered to us. I still remember the songs of Fernando Ortega drawing reflective faith from me during those uncertain times. It goes without saying: I was greatly afraid of being away from the hospital with Anna under my responsibility.   

 

Anna’s birth day and the two months after were some of the hardest times of my life. I never wept so much in my life, or had all my first-time parent hopes dashed. In hindsight, the 7 week crucible at that Northshore hospital brought healing to our marriage, unifying us in prayer, directing us to fix my eye on Jesus. Our faith never blamed God but always asked for help and depended on Him. He is faithful!! We count on His purpose and His Word. Now, ten years later, our family looks forward to that calendar day expectant of great fun and joy, hooray for Anna’s birthday! This year we went up to the mountains for sledding, cross-country skiing, swimming and roller skating. Anna had so much fun. What a blessing from God that our life is more about these things, these days. Hallelujah.

 

Please Pray for: 

-          Another child. We are entering into the later years of eligibility in human terms, but our hearts desire is for another child. If it pleases the Lord, may He bless us in this way. We remain totally surrendered to His will with or without another such gift. 

-          Renee’s faith to be fanned and fed. For her boldness in being her brother and sister’s keeper. That footholds of death or trauma would melt away in exchange for the praise of Christ and His healing.  

-          God’s continued testimony of His glory in our waiting for Anna’s healing. Which is never wasted. 

Thanks for praying,

Nic for the Currats 

For the Joy Set Before Me

 

Dear Prayer Warriors,

My New Year’s Prayer

The post trauma mentality braces for impact at every turn; it looks under the bun before taking a bite; it double checks that the doors are locked and it always wonders what emergency is in store today. This is what I think of when considering that Naomi wanted to be called Mara and return to Israel alone, she had a grief-post trauma mind. Thanks be to God for Boaz the kinsman redeemer who planted hope in Naomi's mind! Thank God for Ruth who was “better to her than seven sons”. The ending image in the book of Ruth is none other than Naomi holding her grandson Obed on her lap and caring for him. God changed her mind and heart ultimately.

 

I am asking God to do it again, for us this year through our Lord Jesus Christ. May the Lord give us faith to believe him for Psalm 67:1-2 “May God be gracious to us and bless us; look on us with favor, so that Your way may be known on earth, Your salvation among all nations.” To see His goodness in the land of the living. May the Lord grant this to us not just because He loves us, but because He is fully committed to His glory, “do it for your glory Lord toward all the people that know us!”

 

 Land Mines

In the first year of living without my son, longing for his company abounded, along with prizing as many memories as possible. It’s a year of “firsts” dipped in grief. During this second year, as the grace of God has grown me in faith and as my cognition has understood my son’s absence, the Lord brought to my attention that the longings of Simon’s nearness can become a sin stumbling block. So, I surrender again. Being heartbroken produces sentiments that mask coveting and envying. Recently, I was scrolling the articles on the Desiring God website. The article I clicked on suggested some of the most victorious tools for combatting envy are confession to one another, thanksgiving, and praise to God.

 

Combatting envy with Jesus looks like uncovering hidden land mines on a battlefield long after the war is over. These are explosives that can kill well after the war, during peacetime. My war, the trial of losing Simon, has culminated in furthering my trust in the Lord. His peace leads me, I still trust Him. I depend on His shepherding. Yet in the day to day, there are land mines of envy that I need to detonate from a safe distance in the Lord’s power and with the tools He gives. Confessing this to you is a helpful step.

 

Here’s a recent land mine God helped me dismantle. Simon used to visit me at work when I ran the frozen and dairy departments. He always desired that I put him to work. On the days I knew he was coming I set aside all the Eggo Waffles for him to stock because they were light cases, yellow, and fun to eat. He filled the shelves so well, paying careful attention to the different flavors and matching them on the shelf. I was delighted in how much he wanted to work, do it right, and to do it with me at his side. Just the other day I was helping stock our frozen load and the last two boxes on the vehicle were Eggo waffles. It was like a photographic déjà vu taking me back to those memories while inviting a strong sense of “I wish he was here.” I had a choice, either I covet my past, weep, and shaking my fist at death and this awful enduring; or I confess to God (who knows what I’m thinking), thank Him for the sweet memory and by grace through faith trust in Simon’s completed mission on earth and endless joy in experiencing God’s love so much more fully today than ever before.

 

Another land mine was at a Thanksgiving service this year where there was an open mic for anyone to thank and praise God. It was mostly adults, so when a young 6- or 7-year-old boy got up he had my undivided attention. He spoke with boldness, vivid intonation and word choices akin to Simon’s. The content of what he said was as if it came from Simon’s mind. This young man gave great praise to God for His goodness and omnipresence. It was as if I was listening to awe-inspired Simon again. Instantly another land mine was uncovered, I was tempted to envy the parents that get to keep on raising that boy. The moment was to glorify God as the boy led, instead I was thinking of myself. I didn’t know what else to do but to tell my bride, “That’s something Simon would have said.”

 

Another hard recollection came to me when a father-son duo entered the elevator I was in. Standing there before me was a boy the same height and hair color as my missed son. During year one, these occurrences are longings from a broken heart, but in year two they seem to carry a temptation to envy much more clearly. Perhaps for the rest of my life I will have to be alert to detonate “envy” land mines surrounding Simon’s abrupt departure, in faith, with my Shepherd.

 

Even as I write this, I am humbled to think that this temptation to envy is common to man. Actually, the Lord is reminding me that it’s so common to man that I already have gone through it significantly, similarly before regarding Anna. Prayer warriors, through the years didn’t I spend time confessing bouts of envy, coveting, and wishing Anna could talk like others, walk like others, see, eat, pass through sicknesses like normal kids? Through the years, Jesus detonated those “envy” landmines as I surrendered my will. Didn’t confession to you help, didn’t we focus on thankfulness to God for the gift of Anna above any diagnosis? By God’s grace and work in me, today I seldom envy kids Anna’s age. Jesus helps me walk through it victoriously. Taking my precious daughter “as is'' because the Lord purposes and He will vindicate Anna. I still pray for full, imminent healing but I can also thank God that she hasn’t been healed thus far because of the good it has brought. I lay down envy. I trust God for His best work and will to be done. Regarding Anna, I want my faith to be similar to that of the Centurion in Matthew 8 that knows the worth of Jesus and the ability of His Word!!!  Maranatha! Praise God who is my faithful Shepherd.

 

Please Pray for:

- me to be responsible in stewarding this grief, navigating through the temptations to envy, Not getting stuck, hopeless and despairing because of the loss, but trusting in the good character and purposes of Yahweh. Please Pray that I would be persistently thankful, loyal to God’s will when I don’t understand.

-us. I worship the Lord for the gift of my bride whose birthday is 2/1. Pray also for the days coming as we are approaching Simon’s 2^nd birthday (2/3) celebrated in heaven and on earth. Pray that we may combat it with thankfulness, praise and a right mind.  

-Anna. She is one month away from 10 years old!! Our visit with our GI doctor revealed a need for her to gain weight (again). As puberty approaches we need to be more successful at administering weight gain, to get ahead of it because it will be a time growth spurts.   

-mental clarity and spiritual peace for my mother who continues to struggle with medical issues and grasping reality. Visiting her is challenging because I wish this wasn't happening, help me lift her up to the Lord. 

Thanks for praying and believing God for His best for you and us. 

Nic for the Currats

Emmanuel Through Thick and Thin

 Dear Prayer Warriors,

Hunted Down on Thanksgiving

I spent sunrise at the cemetery with the Lord thanking Him for Simon’s life. I praise the Lord that He gave us the hymn Thanks to God for my Redeemer as “Simon’s hymn”. This means that we sang that song to him frequently in his mother’s womb, at his dedication service, on his birthday, and whenever I’m reminded of the gift of Simon. Therefore, I sang it that morning as the sun’s rays met his tombstone. To keep time, I pulled up a video accompaniment on my phone. At the conclusion of the song there was a verse of Scripture posted to linger on. “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Th 5:16-18

 

That verse struck me given my situation. So, I pulled out a chair, the Bible, and sat there by his grave reading the whole of that chapter at daybreak. I asked God in prayer “Really, that is your will for me? That’s it?” That morning, I fulfilled God’s will for me! I gave thanks, in prayer, and rejoiced in the hardness of my situation. Right there, amid pre-resurrected tombs: “this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Then throughout the day the Holy Spirit pursued me with that passage 4 more times.

@ 6:30 AM on YouTube at the cemetery, then again as I read the chapter

@ 7:30 AM on Grace FM I heard a pastor reading and preaching that same verse

@ 12 on Facebook a friend posted those verses

@ 5 PM on the Light radio in between songs

@ 8:30 PM I opened my Bible app and this verse was “the verse of the day”

Of the thousands of verses, it was these that God used over and over on Thanksgiving Day.  As I drove the family to my mother’s rehabilitation center in Denver, I dwelled on the combination of the three imperatives it contains: rejoice, pray and be thankful no matter and at all times. The Bible isn’t a book to read and then to move on from. Its seriously challenging, who would give this advice to anyone coming from the cemetery and going to see their mother whose health is failing? My Perfect Heavenly Father thought it fit to feed me this. Given His faithfulness to His Word and His faithfulness to me through the years, I have tested and found trustworthiness in the Bible; so, I gave it a shot even though the thought of it rubbed me the wrong way at first.   

 

Mom transitioned out of the hospital the day before Thanksgiving. She fell the week prior and suffered two broken ribs, a broken vertebra, “more fractures in her hips”, and another UTI. Before I entered the facility I chose not to hang onto my grumbling that this was yet another unorthodox Thanksgiving. Instead, I clung to my Father’s Words. I obeyed them by praying, and boldly walking into the rehab center with my family.  We saw my mom struggling to grasp reality, continuously rambling with much lucidity in her thinking. She spoke only in French.  The all-liquid diet was like a slap in the face to the Thanksgiving food we brought up to share with her.

 

 Yet the Lord equipped me with perspective! Thanking Him made me think of the nurses working that day. I thought of how I get more time with mom and that my children can bless her with a hug and a kiss. By God’s grace, I thought to sing and play some of her God honoring music. Without the Bible instructing me I know I would have been critical, pushy with my mom, wanting to control, and despairing at the situation! Instead, Mom was allowed to have some of Lindsey’s Sweet potato pie filling. Praise the Lord!

 

Pray incessantly, rejoice always and give thanks no matter what for this is God’s will for you in Jesus. When applied, I’m learning to say I don’t trust myself, or my choices, or my heart. Sounds like an anti-Self-help book.  Instead, here I am rejoicing during my mom’s burdens and enduring hard things in faith. The spiritual conclusion these verses led me to is: “know that God will show up in all His glory, He is the best at all things. Should my circumstance not be what I want, I will thank Him because it is what I need most!!!” Yes death, yes enemies, yes retail work, yes basement remodeling, yes rehabilitation centers, yes cerebral palsy have all shaped me for good this year more than all my wants. “Thank you, Jesus, that my eyes are on you through this.” D.L. Moody once said: “The Bible was not given for our information but for our transformation.” How yielded is my heart to allowing this?

 

A Tenderhearted Daydream

 Perhaps the greatest evidence of God's grace to me through the loss of my son, the daily hardships Anna faces, and my mothers aging body is how the Holy Spirit has kept me tenderhearted. Glory to God! By sending this out so close to Christmas, I realize your prayers are gifts to us, but also, I want to give you a gift. I prayed to the Lord “how can I encourage my family in the faith that read this?”

If you received these prayer emails about 4 years ago, I sent an entry using my imagination to envision “what if Anna was visited by Jesus and fully healed tomorrow morning.” It’s certainly not true as of yet but writing it out proved to be an exercise in tenderheartedness and faith.

Have You Read My Book?

Death, the great delivery driver took me up to the Judgment Seat.

My free will had ended, it was a wild ride.

I checked my pockets for a comb, man, I wish my hair was more ready for this.

My fingers will have to do.

There must have been an automatic door sensor ‘cause that door swung open

Before I was ready. Well ready or not, it’s time!

 

I fell as I entered, on my knees in this living room sized Mercy Seat look alike.

Gold flooring, angel winged walls and God in the middle fix but not grounded. 

I wish I had a bit more control right now.  

 

I was ready, but it wasn’t my turn to break the ice.

An firm angelic voice declared to me: “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almighty.”

I bowed lower still, what comes next? Should I blurt stuff out like Peter at the transfiguration?

 

My thinking stopped.

The Savior’s hand touched my head as a warm surge of chills covered me head to toe.

He grabbed my clasped hands, that’s when I saw His.

It’s true, in plain view! The hands that took my punishment. It’s you!

There was a crown, there was a cross, there was a sacrifice acceptable to God, the punishment for my sins were indeed taken.

 

O Lamb of God holding my hand, eager in love.

Jesus lifts my head, I fix my gaze on Him, and like oxygen peace fills my insides.

“Simon Emmanuel Currat, your mission is done and we remain together. Enter into my Father’s house with me friend!”

 

He picked me up and gave me the power to walk, so I did.

We walked as the setting around us changed from closed to open, small to vast, from describable to indescribable, from familiar to glorious.

I stayed the course with Him still unsure of what to say.

My heart burning with the Spirit’s fire like those on the road to Emmaus as I listened to Him.

Jesus continued, “I wrote a book, have you read my Book?”

Contentment made me smile as I finally spoke my first words to my Sweet Shepherd:

 

“Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I stand up;
You understand my thoughts from far away.
You observe my travels and my rest;
You are aware of all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue,
You know all about it, Lord.
You have encircled me;
You have placed Your hand on me.
This extraordinary knowledge is beyond me.
It is lofty; I am unable to reach it.

Where can I go to escape Your Spirit?
Where can I flee from Your presence?
If I go up to heaven, You are there;
if I make my bed in Sheol, You are there.
If I live at the eastern horizon
or settle at the western limits,
even there Your hand will lead me;
Your right hand will hold on to me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me,
and the light around me will be night”—
even the darkness is not dark to You.
The night shines like the day;
darkness and light are alike to You.

For it was You who created my inward parts;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You
because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful,
and I know this very well.”

 

Praise God for: (there are many answers to our requests that I can think of today)

-Anna had a significant Cerebral Palsy evaluation with three specialists and a PT. We were expecting to hear that her spine has become a major problem. They have been watching it for about 3 years turning slowly into scoliosis. Specialists have a way of grooming parents for what is likely in the distant future. I know this because that is how we were corralled down the path to Anna’s hip subluxation surgery. We were ready to talk about spinal fusion or bracing ourselves to hear how we have a new set of complications.

None of that happened, they said the percentage her spine is bent has stayed the same, her range of motion is great. Also, the x-ray show that her hips have taken well to the surgery of 3 years ago. “there’s no way they are going out of socket again.”

-Due to my mothers most recent fall, I have visited her 4 times since my last update, thanks for praying that I would get time with her.

-After 6 months and many prayers, our basement and guest room are complete, they look like a blessing from the Lord. We even came in underbudget by doing about half of it ourselves. The Lord used this construction trial to bring Lindsey and I into greater harmony.

-My morning devotions have been hard at times especially now that work wants me there at 5AM. I have been vigilant and passionate about using the minutes I do have before heading out.

 Please pray for:

-our Christmas as we grow in faith to remember that God is good, and His big picture doesn’t have me in the middle but rather the radiance of His Son our Savior. Through death and hardship may I pray, thank and rejoice.

-my mom. I was struggling for how to pray for her. One of my prayer warriors reached out suggesting, “lets pray that God would do what only He can do.” That encouraged my heart to consider two things: 1, I want more time with her, and only God can strengthen her to grant that request. 2, Given her suffering, only God can draw her to His side to experience the fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore. This prayer of “do what only You can do Lord” is like “thy will be done”, and still, I will praise You in this circumstance.

Merry Christmas,

Nic 

Growing Fruit

 Dear Prayer Warrior,

 

A Personal Struggle

I am refocusing in prayer. Seeking it out. I ask for humility; I confess that abiding in Him hasn’t been easy lately. By God’s mercy He instructs me to share my burdens as I cast my cares at the foot of the cross, so that I am not alone in this fight.  By His grace I will experience seasons of sweetness with my Savior through enduring faith. I am not without hope! I just want my roar back, for Christ-centeredness. 

 “So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight.  Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord.” 2 Corinthians 5:6-8

I have been hitting the snooze bar and I never used to. I noticed the lure of distractions trying to eat my first fruits in the morning. Before I can give my day to the Lord, I find myself scrambling to meet the needs of Anna’s early morning meds, or less honorable wants like “what can I eat?”, and on occasion the embarrassing impulses like “I don’t have time to open the Word, what’s going on in social media land”. These realities can steal my fruitful time with the Lord and spoil my surrender to Christ.

 

Speaking to the Father with my mouth full of bread in between sips of coffee, is not worship yet it’s been that way of late. I have given ground over to the enemy. Passive, monotonous ground that could be a field where righteousness grows, where I’m making the most of my time because the days are evil. Why am I putting rubbish ahead of Jesus when nobody’s looking? “Lord help me live as Paul proclaimed in Philippians 3 ‘Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.’” I have not arrived. This early morning orchard is the ground I want to reclaim in Christ! Every demonic force was/is defeated at the cross this includes early morning distractions. Pray for me, (rest assured I will continue to administer the four medicines to Anna in the morning, but maybe I can dose it the night before). There is repentance and victory in store. O that my life would reflect my first love by offering the first fruits of my day.

 

  There is Another Wedding

A month ago, we celebrated a wedding. With the blessing from the bride and groom we brought our kids. I desired my children to see this display of love, this Christ-centered commitment made public. I hoped this served as a framework in their growing minds for what the institution of marriage looks like. The wedding was simple and without confusion, faithful to what the Bible designates as pleasing to God. With much anticipation, I talked with Renee about the rings and how the vows we witnessed are the pinnacle of promise akin to a covenant. She wasn’t very responsive. I confessed to her that our society sometimes skips marriage and confuses “right living” by playing married without ceremony, without inviting God, and without vows of “yes” come what may.

 

After the ceremony I hung around to help clean up. Lindsey and the kids took off. On the way home, alone in my car I marveled at the fresh memories of the day: the gladness we shared with the couple, the gospel shared, the sober commitment before God pronounced, etc… Still, I wished Renee would have latched on a bit more to what I was sharing. Further along in thought, as I drove, I wished Anna would have been more cognizant of all that she just experienced, I wished Victor was older to comprehend. Inevitably, after a moment of realization I thought just how much I wished Simon was still with me.

 

I wished to have experienced this day with Simon. His wise mind would have latched on greatly in wonder and in prayer for the newlyweds. We would have prayed for a “future wife” for him. How ripe his mind and heart would have been to receive understanding about the institution of marriage. Seamlessly, without a moment’s notice, I started ugly crying. Scrambling to breathe amid this invading tidal wave of grief that so violated the goodness of the day. I know it's ok to cry, Lord knows I have. However, God, in the ensuing moment, gave me another option. He sent me this thought: “Nic there is another wedding. You will be in attendance with Simon. It will be more glorious than anything you have ever done or seen.” My grief and sorrow were quenched instantly, less than a minute after it started. I let that promise minister to me as I recalled all I knew about the Biblical event/promise of the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. The wedding we saw today was a shadow of the heavenly one to come. I could have allowed that thought to fade away, and be weeping still; But glory to God, he filled me with awe and majestic wonder.

 

 If you have been reading these entries since my loss, isn’t that the theme of my time through the valley of the shadow of death? That God would gift me a faith greater than my sorrow!  Praise God for the tender help I received in that moment of need. Seconds later as I drove home, I recalled spinning Anna on the dance floor at the reception in her chair. She shared her joy of vestibular motion with others. She illuminated the dance floor with the spiritual gift of Joy.

 

Anna’s Fruitfulness

The Lord revealed to me that Anna bears much spiritual fruit. The fruits I’m talking about are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. By God’s grace, all these virtues are low hanging fruit that she gives freely to others right from her wheelchair. Without saying a word, she suffers patiently giving a smile the following moments after acute suffering. Anna’s self-control is evident because of her reasonableness in crying, she doesn’t cry unless something is wrong. Other fruits like kindness and gentleness show up anytime someone is crying, she will cry with them. Conversely, if there is laughter Anna will brim with joy and goodness because she wants to join in on the laughter. I’m so privileged to have noticed this in my non-verbal daughter! Also, when we sing hymns or worship songs she will “sing” in her way as if she is communing with the Lord in a language only her and Him can understand, isn’t this a description of intimate love with God? Lastly, Her faithfulness to God comes when I see how removed she is from sinning. Much of that is limitations, however in being around her you can see that her spirit is in no way self-seeking or sin-seeking. This inspires worship in me. I imagine my home is protected in the spiritual realm because of many reasons, one of which is Anna. God’s purposes for Anna are in full swing, what a rich gift from the Lord she is to care for and father.

 

Praise the Lord for:

-the heavenly wedding of Jesus Christ and His church. I remain in awe at how that event came alive in my mind’s eye at just the right time.

-Continued progress in our basement. God brought a humble handyman who has time to serve us and enjoys the work.

-Mother and Sons’ plans being realized. Our family always seeks to redeem the time on Halloween. During the Covid year, Simon and Lindsey planned a grand Reformation party that we were never able to realize until two days ago. It was a giant blessing to us to carry out those carefully laid plans and dust off those crafts that were bought for this specific occasion. There were about 20 kids at our house! The impact of Simon continues to be a treasure to unpack.

- Renee growing in many ways. She has been latching onto godly counseling, seeking good things, becoming a better example to Victor and helpful around the house. There has been much more critical thinking instead of outbursts, coloring instead of crying, trusting instead of tantrums. Praise God.

- our marital unity. I see more bonding, light-hearted jokes, working well together, and heart sharing.  Recently I have grasped what a rich, noble, call it is to be so exclusive and edifying to one another. Custom tailored by the Creator, each for the other. The wedding reminded me that God loves me so much through my bride. 

 

Please Pray for:

- my mother. Please pray that I would be a rich gift for her during this time. That I would find the time to visit her and read God’s Word. My mother’s health is failing. She continues to lose her balance and fall. Praise God it has been one month since her last fall, she desires to sleep frequently.  Mentally, there seems to be more persistent lucidity and disoriented statements. Pray for healing in her eyes, she has a sharp pain on one of them and the other is tired. This complication has reduced her to keeping her eyes closed during our visits. Ultimately pray for what pleases the Lord regarding my mother. I have often said, “Only Jesus has sacrificed more for me than mom.”

- my work. They have given me a promotion without the increased pay. I now lead a wave of workers through truck freight everyday, one department at a time, usually between 15-20 people on a given day. It has been a struggle to win the respect and buy-in with many new faces. I have been praying for the Lord to make me an encouragement invested in each of them. That God would be glorified. 

-Anna's needs to be met. By God’s grace we have been doing well without a night nurse for 5 months now. Respite has been flakey; we are in search of reliability. Also, we have a wave of Dr. appointments including a return trip to the Aurora Children’s hospital coming up. 

 

Thanks for reading and praying, 

 

Nic