Wisdom Needed

 Dear Those Who Pray for Us,

As many things compete for our time before the Lord in prayer, I humbly ask to include us. There are a few concerns I bring before you to inquire of the Lord’s help for us. I know that some of you reading don’t believe or pray, but by God’s grace perhaps this bit of honest examination and honest storytelling is the point of view that may help you reconsider who Jesus Christ is and take a closer examination.  

 

God’s Call for Homeschooling or Public School

Having Anna brought surprise after surprise. Lindsey always felt that being a public school teacher was her way to honor God. Surprise! Apparently not, Lindsey humbly accepted becoming Anna’s primary caregiver and became a certified nurse’s assistant. When Anna was 4 we put her in a special public school dedicated to special needs kids all the way until they were 21. Our experience there led Lindsey to pray and ask God if homeschooling was what He wanted for Anna and Simon. She felt God’s direction to keep them both home.

 

About two year later we joined Classical Conversations, a global homeschool curriculum with a co-op, it was just the right added support and things were going well during Simon’s Kindergarten year. I recall her eager focus to take the training wheels of kindergarten off and dive head first into first grade. Afterall, Simon loved learning and questioned so intelligently. By the time summer came, Lindsey had organized and ordered everything she needed. There was a cabinet filled with the great expectation of answering her call as a homeschool teacher. I couldn’t tell who was more excited for school to start Simon or Lindsey. I remember them together cracking open the books to preview what the new school year would bring. Simon died in July and that cabinet, much like Simon’s room, became a ghost town, a memory of things that once were so certain.

 

Renee is entering the first grade in September and we are at a loss of what to do. Does the homeschool life extend to Renee and Victor too? Lindsey anticipates Renee to need more tutoring and “hand holding” than Simon did, praise God.  Renee brings so much to the table and with the right guardrails she will flourish, as of now we are assessing what those are.  One of the harder issues is that she subconsciously demands Lindsey’s attention and will be physically clinging to mom especially when Lindsey is attending to Anna’s needs. Lindsey has helped me see this scene play out, it’s telling me that traditional homeschooling and caregiving have too much conflicting demand for us. The stress and exhaustion are too high on a daily basis. Let’s not forget our amped little Victor who brings another set of needs on top of this.

 

The two clearest paths we see is either to enroll Renee in public school, or make enough lifestyle changes to live off of one income allowing for homeschooling because the charting house would go to a daytime nurse to meet Anna’s needs (which is a provision our insurances would cover). Please pray for the Lord to give us a united conviction about what to do. That He would guide our steps, perhaps we haven’t considered everything.

“We don’t know what to do, but we look to You.” 2 Chronicles 20:12b

 

Embracing Family

When I think of people that usually show up on moving day, I think of family. When I think of those who show up at the hospital, I think of family. When I think of who helps pay for college tuition, I think of family. When I need direction in home improvement or auto needs, I think of my family. When I am short on cash, family. Need a hug, family. Encouragement, family.

 

This past weekend, I got the blessing of visiting the church that I found in the Yellow Pages the week I put my faith in Jesus. The one that gave me my first memory verse, that allowed me on their softball team (big mistake), the church where I once trimmed the bushes in the parking lot, helped in AWANA, served in the youth group. More significantly still, it’s the church where I got discipled. Where I got baptized. Where I got prayed for, married at, and loved on. 

 

One of its living stones got promoted and I was there to celebrate his life with them. It had been close to 6 years since my last fellowship with them. As I observed the aging souls in the room, I was reminded! Reminded of Ken and Kay who made a rail for my condo patio so Simon wouldn’t wander into the busy street we lived by. I saw Kyle who showed up at our address on moving day to help us move, I had never met him before that day. I saw Paul, my co adventurer who I went to Honduras with to build a church, preach in jail, dedicate babies, and baptize new believers with. I saw Harold and Imogene who demonstrated family love to us with a wonderful turkey dinner at their condo in mid-summer. They may hold the record for most greeting cards sent to us after we left. Matt was there, he eagerly discipled me. I’ll never forget when he slapped two books down before me and said “we can go deep with the Cost of Discipleship or we can go light with Wild at Heart.” Pastor Jack was a sight for sore eyes, instantly I was reminded that it was his hands that pulled me out of the waters of the indoor baptistry in his fly-fishing waders on.  I got a tap on the shoulder from Terri who encouraged me, and though I never spent much time with her, she reminded me of her widower father who at the time invited me to his house for a burger just me and him many years ago. Then I was reminded of the many who showed up when I had my first alcohol free party, it was a house warming party. I remembered those who showed up to Simon’s funeral. I remember the minivan that they bought, the master’s degree they helped fund, the wedding they hosted for me.

 

Sorry if I went a bit long, honestly I’m leaving out much, much more. The point I want to illustrate is this: Biblically the church is family. It is a notion I have hesitated to embrace and I want to repent from this attitude. Belonging to a super large church helped me resist the biblical mandate that fellow believers are to be loving and family to each other. The “nature of the beast” of a big church is that you are only as “family” as you want to be.  No doubt many at my big church considered me family, they would say it from the pulpit quite a bit. But did I consider them as part of my family? I want to write carefully here because I know full well that when I was at my most helpless, in the loss of Simon, they were called upon and stepped up as a family does. So much time and love were given to make sure we were not stuck in despair. So many prayers. It’s a time in my life that I am not far away from, and the debt of love I owe is noted! I am eagerly watching to see where this loving fellowship is going because they are looking to highlight this family characteristic this year by promoting small groups to front and center. We are continuing on when we can at our current church (a week from Sunday I should be able to go.) 

 

I share all this because this is where the Lord has parked my thoughts about starting a house church. A holistic, not rushed time with the family. Yes, it is a church often with a meal time, down time and unscripted family time. It's hard to think of family as inclusive rather than exclusive, pray for me. Perhaps that is how family is kept from being an idol, when we see it as inclusive as Jesus' sacrifice for forgiveness on the cross. I am pressing onward in the direction of joining/growing a house church by many affirmations. Firstly, by praying about it. I'm not sure if it's a sign but our family devotion times have been tremendous of late, well attended by the Holy Spirit! Those who know me well like my bride, mentors in the faith, and old seminary buddies all have encouraged me onward. Books like Letters to the Church and Reimagining Church have helped me have biblical convictions to motivate the cost of such a church. I see my Chicago years serving at the inner-city church in a new light as they were holistic to the max. Another notable occurrence is the Enemy attacking my thought life and would like to point out that “I am not a good enough Christian for the high demands of this kind of church. “You don’t want messy.” It has led me to inventory my spiritual gifts and training. It brings a smile to my face to remember that God is faithful in using the least likely. Pray for me, my “to do” list in this regard is to pray, seek humility, revise my understanding of “family” and do discipleship daily.

“Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart.” 1 Peter 1:22

  

The Grief of Anna

I praise God for Lindsey, she is the one with her “ear to the ground” picking up on the emotional need of my kids and leveraging resources accordingly. If you have been alongside us since Simon’s death, you will recall the acute difficulty of helping Renee grieve while we grieved as well. To a fault, I didn’t consider Anna and her sorrow because she cannot speak or write. Her presence throughout these years has been peaceful and gracious. By God’s grace, we have introduced her to her “talker” (the eye-gaze device). And 4 months ago we switched to a certified clinic specializing in this technology. Anna’s growth in letting us know how she feels and how we can better serve her is significant. Allow me to explain her talker a bit more, a two second eye-gaze equals a click of the mouse on a computer, once selected the eye gaze audibly announces her selection to us. Like a computer, you can click on an icon and then sub options appear. About two months ago, Lindsey added an icon that said “I miss Simon.” Anna kept selecting it. So Lindsey decided to make a whole page of sub icons beyond that one: “play one of Simon’s songs.” “I want to see pictures of Simon.” “tell me a memory of Simon.” “I want to go to the cemetery.” She gazes on them to express grief. The page can only be accessed from her home page if she gazes on three different sub icons, it takes a considerable amount of intentionality to get to Simon’s page and to click on those things. Yet Anna navigates to that page all the time. It humbled me and made me feel so oblivious to her sorrow in losing her best friend Simon. Other than mom, nobody spent more time with Simon than Anna.  

 

-Pray for Anna to grow in using her talker. We are switching Anna’s Physical Therapy from home to clinic, at the same place she did Horseback therapy because she used her talker to tell us she missed going there. We want to show Anna that we are listening to her. That is the key, that the listener would believe her. I struggle with this sometimes.

-Pray also for Anna for a high quality, in-home Occupational therapist.

-Also, Anna is currently on her third urinary tract infection, pray for healing so that we would find the cause and relieve her from this, we are not excited to add another daily medication.

-Lastly, please pray for Anna to gain weight. She was in the 12^th percentile two months ago, now she is in the 6^th. With puberty starting in another year or so, we were advised to load her up. It is difficult given her eating routines and the refluxing.

“LORD, be gracious to us! We wait for You. Be our strength every morning and our salvation in time of trouble.” Isaiah 33:2

Thanks for reading and praying,

Nic

The Many Things at Christmas

 

Dear Prayer Warrior,

Joyeux Noel! Praise God for the refocusing on the Messiah that Christmas brings. Dress code at work has permitted much self-expression, affirming that I have been wearing my nativity shirt to work because we ran out of nativity sets November week 2. You may not find Jesus on our shelves but you will find Him on my chest.

Renee has taken her crafting to the next level in decorating our home. Move over Buddy the Elf, Renee is gunning for best in decor. I suggested to Renee that she come up to Denver on my most recent visit to see Grandma French (my mom) and to decorate her “apartment”. Renee was excited to do so. She packed three bags full of stuff to do up there, she planned the entire afternoon with grandma. We made a wonderful chain link garland, computer paper snowflakes, and a gingerbread house. Renee did not hesitate to tell us if we were doing the crafts not to her liking. Lola (who is like a second mom to me, when my father died she moved in to help raise us for many years until she married) joined us. It was an afternoon I didn’t want to see come to an end.  On the way home I told Renee that it was her planning and preparing that made for such a wonderful Christmas time with Grandma. It was a wonderful time of bonding with Grandma.

Amid Victor’s tears and screams regarding brushing his teeth, I looked at him puzzled and calmly asked for his eyes. I said “Victor why do you fuss over things that we do everyday? You know we need to do it, why?” Amid his teary eyes he said, “because I’m learning.”  That was such an encouragement to me because I was starting to think we were just kicking a dead horse. Recently, Victor has upped his game when it comes to hitting, throwing, mess-making, and screaming. It has been hard to show him the boundaries repeatedly. May the Lord draw from this a child with a propensity to obey His commands one day. Praise God for the gift of children.   

 

Praise God for:

-faithful, faith-filled friends that share meals and their lives with us. Their walk with God is shared with us, they make time for us, therefore we are greatly encouraged onward in Christ because of this.

-A child’s eagerness for Christmas.

-a Christ honoring song. Since November 1^st it has been one Christmas song after another at work. There are no songs about Jesus being played. As I toiled at Target last weekend amid the stress and hurry of retail work, sometime in the middle of the afternoon, I heard a song playing on the overhead singing throughout the whole store “Glory to God, for His Son the Savior of the world, Hallelujah, hallelujah” It was a slow thought-provoking song, I had never heard it before. I stopped what I was doing and asked the others if they are hearing this. I prayed that all the ears in the store would hear and reflect on the best gift of Christmas. There hasn’t been another Christ honoring song since.  I have heard “the Cowboy Christmas Ball” and “Last Christmas” a nauseating amount.  

Please Pray for:

-Anna’s health. She is enduring her second Urinary Tract Infection of the winter. Pray that the infection is cast out and that we can get ahead of the ball again on preventative care for those UTI’s.

-Anna’s care. We are trying new companies for therapy (occupational therapy and speech) and for her durable medical equipment (stander, chair, transfer lift). There are many meetings, many options, and all of which has to funnel through our two insurances. May God sovereignly drive us to the right people and things to increase Anna’s ability to communicate and strengthen.

-Grace in grief. I’d be surprised if there is a day that goes by that I don’t think of Simon. With Christmas coming, its tempting to gloss over our loss or deny the longing for his company and cover it up in busyness. Instead, we are making time for recollecting, sharing with one another his current heavenly disposition with wonder and awe. Always thanking Jesus for the loan of love He gave us in Simon.

-A new fellowship. Amid ongoing changes at my church in leadership, ministry, and order of service, last week they added discontinuing Saturday night services to the changes. I work Sundays and find it spiritually negligent to stay there and “go when I can.” We weren’t planning on going anywhere, we developed so many fruitful bonds there amid our brothers and sisters. This church brought us to the Lord, counseled me, loved us, and pleaded for us during our loss of Simon.  There are certain children’s ministry leaders who deposited eternal encouragement that took root in Simon enabling him to be ready upon his “untimely” death.  After praying, talking, overthinking, google searching, and hoping in the Lord, Lindsey and I have decided to ask God if growing a house church on Saturday nights is what pleases Him the most.  There are other churches around that provide a Saturday night service however they are far enough away that any ministry outside of going to service would be difficult to attend. Starting over at a church with Anna is difficult. Amid the flurry of church scrolling, I found myself consumeristic in thought as I evaluated them. That bugs me greatly. As we transition away, we depend on prayer for wisdom, leading, and continued fellowship.

-Me to grow deeper in devotion, humility, deeper in faith, to consider the higher call of spiritual shepherding beyond my family. That God would show me the cost and the greater accountability. I have set up a coffee meeting with a guy experienced with house churches to check if our hearts are in the right place.  I plan on looking into Francis Chan’s big push for house churches about 10 years ago through the We Are Church holistic ministry model. Thanks for your prayers.  

Merry Christmas, may the grace of God overflow your cup in this season. 

Nic, Lindsey, Anna, Simon, Renee, and Victor

Halloween and the Concealing of the Spirit World

 

I work with 20 somethings that have a propensity of knowing what they like. My coworkers seem increasingly enthusiastic about Halloween year after year. Many state it’s their favorite holiday. One even said “I like Christmas more but the ambiance of Halloween is better.” As demonic end caps showcasing death, the occult, and the macabre go up in the store, so does my praying. This is the first year I can recall that Target is selling Ouija boards. Perhaps if my life didn’t go through a season of being demonically possessed, I too would be wrapped in a Care Bear onesie going down the street collecting free candy as I did before I knew better. Now I know the darkness Satan and his cronies intentionally bring on this day.

 

 Thankfully this holiday has become a goldmine to engage in spiritual conversation with unbelievers at my work. They cannot contain their plans out of excitement so I always overhear. When people find out that I don’t celebrate it and I have young kids there is something inside of them that cries “foul.” Like they feel bad that my kids are born into my family for Halloween’s sake.  I know some Christian families that give me the eye-roll as if to say, “come on really?” The question I usually ask when a strong reaction is given to my abstaining is this: “What are we celebrating?” When asked, there is almost always a pause. Most of my coworkers will say that it’s a day for kids to dress up and get candy. This year I had a lady say “well historically it’s a time where witches celebrate and crazy things happen, it’s just great.” 

 

The reply that gave me the best opportunity to share the gospel came when another coworker replied, “It’s death we celebrate.” To which I replied, “sure, but my experience with death is grievous, not something fun to celebrate.” Without thinking she raised her voice and blurted out: “but it’s the most natural thing in the world!!!” Her protest caught me off guard, I paused and calmly replied, “I could not disagree with you more. I believe death was never meant to be.” Before we parted ways, I was able to tell her that God’s creation originally did not include death. She gave a laugh and walked away.

 

What do we celebrate on Halloween? The Occult? Witchcraft? Death? Being something or someone you are not? Or maybe an appropriate question is what do others celebrate on Halloween? In my opinion, as we go further down this post-Christian hole as a society, the spirit world becomes deemphasized and the tangible world has consensus and is therefore preferred. Halloween shows that the material world can conceal spiritual things more and more. The world of our senses is ruled by Satan and leveraged by mankind. However, in the spirit world, the supremacy is Christ’s. My greatest treasure is knowing that those two worlds coexist but only one of them is eternal.

 

When Halloween came this year, we had our third annual Reformation party complete with a printing press activity, the 5 sola’s, and a look at the biblical objections Martin Luther had of the Catholic church. We also passed out tracts with our candy and prayed as the neighborhood came to us.

A Father's Love

 

Dear prayer Warriors,

 

Happy Thanksgiving. I realize that it's perhaps poor etiquette to send out an email on Thanksgiving, but I was actually waiting for this day to send it. Where would I be without your prayers, the intercessory prayers of the brothers and sisters in Christ. Thank you that I can share my vantagepoint with you and you in return go to the Father for me and my family. These prayer emails have helped me work out my faith. Praise God for your responses.

 

Faith Birthday -a Celebration of my Adoption

I assume all of you know my testimony so let me be direct. Can you believe that I was consciously a "John Doe" for a day? Not someone found unconscious without an ID but a conversational John Doe.  That fact encapsulates my lostness.  Thankfully God knew that I was His even on my darkest day. How lost could anyone get when people ask for your name and you reply "I have none."  That was me, a few days of my life were lived in solitary “observation” rooms and I remember spitting on the walls, not even being able to control when I needed to use the restroom for a week or so. I remember being given a Bible and slowly crumpling up the pages. It was a Bible with the red letters signifying Jesus’s spoken words. Therefore, I found a red pen and scribbled over the pages with my red ink, proving to anyone/anything watching who I thought god was.

 

God’s creation of humanity receives life, free will, and time on this earth. So many people are happy with this. I know I was for most of 28 years. I did my best to be careful in trusting, slow to be loving and tolerant no matter the cost. Live and let live. I led a lifestyle that forged its own beliefs by trusting my senses. Evil and sin became hard to pinpoint as such. I loved my sin so long as it didn’t hurt anyone, I was on board to do it. How dangerous it is to have a world view with self-justifying morals. On November 10^th of this year, I celebrated my 18^th faith birthday. My complaints and self-pity were dismantled 18 years ago. God got my attention that day because I had been humbled again by my car getting stolen. In that moment of brokenness/ openness, the Holy Spirit helped me consider absolute truth instead of my own.  The cross was no longer a story to me. Jesus’s cross represented for the first time that which it always claimed: my forgiveness before God Almighty for everything. The claim of the cross is that Jesus died to pay for my sins. No longer am I bound to sin’s eternal punishment. Sacrificial love was used to reconcile me to God. This is why trusting the Bible as God’s Word, as absolute truth, became my remedy and Jesus my only King and Redeemer.

 

What a reward! I’m not talking eternal reward here; I’m talking about walking in the singularity of truth as being my reward. Now I can commit everything to Jesus and forsake the world because I live with His companionship, Lordship, and Truth. His shepherding through all of the changes and hard things is an enormous reward. Being able to ask God what to do when life becomes impossible and finding the answer of what to do in the Bible is a reward!  The Bible tells me that I can live by faith in the Son of Man, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

 

 Who is my Father?

 This year, particularly this day and time of year, I’m dwelling on God’s adoptive love. It is my treasure in the field. I sold all my copyrights, my entitlements, my loyalties and royalties to buy the field containing that treasure. The treasure of being God’s son. God asks all of us to surrender even our own family on His altar to see that Jesus is more.  Mankind is offended by the cost, believers call it being born again, but God calls it adoption. I’m not just a creation made by Him, I am His beloved child through faith, I’m in the family now. By God’s grace, I can worship God as my Father more sweetly than most because I was fatherless for nearly all of my childhood, youth, and young adult life.

 

When I lift my hands in worship particularly at church and in my home, I mimic my son Victor who will express his desire to be held by me by running into me, lifting up his arms and uttering a plea to be held. That is the posture I take when I raise my hands in worship to my Father. I am His son running to Him desiring to be picked up, held, and spoken to. I see the metaphor clearly; therefore, I father my children with an intentional desire to scoop up those outstretched arms (and find the nearest thing to sit down on for more support). What great love I have for my kids because of God’s great love for me. God’s greater love and greater goodness is bountifully being given and offered to me. Praise the Lord!

 

Yesterday marked the 44^th year that my earthly father died. It was on Thanksgiving Day 1980 when his love went missing, literally swallowed up in an avalanche on St Mary’s Glacier. It was on the TV and the newspapers for days, but this was our news to carry for the time to come. When I reflect on growing up, I can think of no greater offense that befell me than my father’s death on Thanksgiving. I thought it was a sick joke from God, that on “thanks day” I was rendered thankless, fatherless. For many years I blamed God for the avalanche that took my father’s life. I imposed on myself the pressure to be like my dad, liking the things he liked, but I could not even remember what his hugs felt like.

 

Praise God that 18 years ago I found my first lasting "thanks" on Thanksgiving: the death of my father was no longer pain provoking or cruel or seemingly meaningless. As I see it, the recompense for the death of my father was my Adoptive Father. This adoption and new relationship with Dad became important so that I could be the best father I can to my kids. In the years since, the Lord has called me to be a father to the most needy and to care for kids through the darkest valley.

 

Perhaps the greatest hindsight I have this year as I write this is the biblical promises that God has always been the protector of widows and the father to the fatherless. Year after fragile year, my mother had the support and love of her friends, family, and many church families. I see how God equipped my mother with great self-sacrifice and control to raise four boys on her own, in a country she did not grow up in. I glean that it was the Lord who acted as my dad sovereignly even when I hated Him. He lived among us through His saints, angels, and His Holy Spirit even when I wouldn’t be comforted and held.

 

Deuteronomy 10:18 declares that God "executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing." The psalmist in Psalm 10:14 said to God, "You have been the helper of the fatherless." Psalm 68:5 says, "Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation."

 

Praise the Lord for:

-The persistent memory-sharing of Simon particularly with our children. As parents, we count on Simon's vital, formative role in our family. This includes sharing our wonder of where God says Simon is and our future promises of a reunion. In turn, may my surviving children see their precious and vital contribution too. 

- We rejoiced at Renee and Victor moving into Simon and Renee's old room recently. what lay empty, desolate, that which was swallowed up for years has become a place for our children again. I'm going through Isaiah with Anna and there are many passages on how abandoned and in ruins the promised land will be,  but in Isaiah 49 the promise of Zion, the return of God's people has arrived. God says "then you will know that I am Yahweh, those who put their trust in me will not be put to shame. 49:23b" . May the Lord fill us to overflowing once again.  

-Anna's continued interest and work on the eye gaze device. We had a prayer warrior of ours share that she prays for Anna to communicate her hope and salvation in words. I have no doubt of her salvation, but I must admit I admire this lady's faith in wanting such a righteous thing for Anna. Anna continues to communicate to us using her “talker” (the eye-gaze device). The clinic we have been going for this has been great and refreshing to learn more about Anna.   

 

Please Pray for:

-Our continued desire to have another child, that the origin of this desire would continue to be on the foundation of Christ, for the Lord's glory. I grieve at how prideful I was in assuming control of how many kids to have, thinking that our quiver was built for four kids. Join us in asking for 5, thanking for 4, and praising Him for 3 under our current “loan”. What a gift children are! 

-Renee’s continued growth in faith and wisdom. We use her AWANA memorization verses as our family devotion times. Talking in depth the significance of each selected verse for memory. Then we all learn it by heart. Renee has been stepping up in wonderful ways and having setbacks as well. I was in a moment of frustration out of continued repetition, I raised my voice toward Victor. Renee sensed the tension, looked at me and said, “Dad you need less passion and more patience.” Once I picked my jaw off the floor, I agreed, complimented her on her observation and asked her for suggestions. She suggested waiting 20 minutes before escalating any situation.  As far as a setback, Renee pushed a boy knocking him down. My own childhood memories flooded in and I felt parental disappointment for the first time. After going to the boy’s house and talking with his family, I feel Renee has grown in awareness of her actions and what they led to. They say girls are made with “sugar and spice and all things nice”, I feel the Lord doubled the spice with Renee. Lastly, she asked me to baptize her. As we are preparing for this, it has opened the door for her to own her faith more. Pray that God would enrich her life through answered prayer, purpose her days, and lead her to a life verse of her own that has great significance for her.

-Anna, We have had 5 significant doctor appointments since I last wrote. All of which were positive. The biggest is the Cerebral Palsy clinic where her bone and muscle formation challenges (dystonia) are closely evaluated. Her scoliosis is not worsening, the doctor was pleased with her hip x ray as well. We were ordered some preventative care night time ankle braces in the hopes of avoiding ankle surgery, in my flesh I groan at another caretaking task to do daily. Praise God for the diligence, joy, love, and strength He gives us to do all her many cares. Anna already sleeps with a forced air mask, a wedge between her legs and now ankle braces. Please join me in praying one of the oldest prayer request I’ve ever asked for: “that God would show the good He has in store for her.” Pray we would select a wonderful Make-a-wish wish for her. 

-distractions of this world to be identified and removed. That my Father would grow me. I settle for comfort when God is offering me fathering instead. He is encouraging me to be more intentional and live with daily extra effort. Instead, I find myself scrolling marketplace items for sale and it has mustered up to me a covetousness that I am not used to living with. May I be contagiously thankful, a light at my work and a joy in my home. 

 

Thankful for you!  

Nic for the Currats

Giving and Bearing Burdens

 Dear Prayer Warriors,

My heart sings at the type of summer our family lived out. Outside of one trip to the ER for Anna’s seizure, we experienced much bond building love, joyful activities and great memories. We haven’t been in a place to receive such good things in years. For a while, our minds became conditioned with trauma’s headlock that makes us think that around any corner we will be attacked and confounded in deep sorrow again. Instead, this summer helped us lay a hold of greater surrender and hope for the Lord’s plans for each of us, much like the lyric we sang church last week, “He’s not done with me yet.” Praise the Lord, what grace. We are doing better than we deserve!

 

Sacrifice of Praise

 

I love the image in the book of Romans where the Author says that the church is like the human body. Each person is a different part and there is a clear interdependence by all parts. For me our hardships made that clear. I remember attending church for the first time after Simon’s passing, I physically trembled as I tried to sing, just dumbfounded at what we were enduring. Moments later sitting down and being unable to utter the words. Then a couple of weeks later my little brother Olivier, who also is my spiritual father in the faith joined me for church. As he sang and worshipped, he had his hand around me while the other one was outstretched. I couldn’t even lift up my head, he sang louder than usual and kept me participating. He was causing me to sway and engage. In time, I lifted up my head, and joined the song. This type of praise and ascribing worth to God amid the deep sorrow was only possible because I went to church and had a dear brother standing in that gap. To lay a hold of the glory of God, to acknowledge Jesus as my help during deepest sorrow; that is a sacrifice of praise. Maybe nobody noticed around us what was going on or why I was weeping extra in worship but in the spirit world God saw us praising as never before.   

 

The church, not just Olivier, served as substitutionary worshipers helping me believe, they sing on my behalf because I could not get it together. They prayed for me. I listened to an author describe something similar, he said, “It’s the church saying ‘I will believe for you’ just be still and let the words of worship wash upon to your shore. Let God’s Word through the preaching minister to your wound.” Recently I had a stranger in the children’s church pick up line turn to me and say “we have been praying for your family weekly for years.” Has that ever happened to you? Someone you have never met, has such a compassion for your circumstance that he labored in prayer for years for you, what mercy! What grace! Lord, teach me to pray like that. I didn’t know how to respond. I hope the day comes when God will reveal the invoices of prayers He fielded on our behalf causing such divine attention to our pitiful state. Jesus is the head, the one holding us together. Praise God for the unity in Christ.

 

Ministering with Empathy

 

The “hard things” for me this summer came in the form of rising to the occasion and opportunity to serve others. If you know my life, I am composed of many trials but three of the most formative are mental illness, special needs, and the death of a child. For some reason, each of these trials afflicted a different family we know and love this summer. We love a couple where the spouse is afflicted with a debilitating mental illness. Next, we know some first time parents still in the NICU one month after their child's birth, and lastly, I have been talking to a father who lost his son tragically. We cannot help but resonate deeply with these three families. We labor in prayer and believe God’s best for each trial. I have been carefully reaching out to them knowing it’s not my words that they need but God’s healing. I learned that there are no pragmatic steps to prescribe, I can minister understanding because of my past, but that is just perspective. What is it I can give in the present?  Certainly kind encouragement is welcomed in each, I especially desire for them to see “Christ in me, the hope of glory”. Songs helped me greatly, Meds helped, meals, going to a grave weekly helped, may that be the case for them too. I trust we are helping, there is still more to do. May they have a testimony of God's faithfulness and be able to reconcile His goodness to their trial. This is a righteous calling in my life, I am honored and well tailored to serve them. It’s part of God’s good coming from the evil we endured. Praise the Lord.

 

In Praise for Anna

 

-Lets keep up on praying for Anna. She is doing great with no sign of seizures. She is struggling with bowel movements, even with all the helps it seems so inconsistent.

-We finally got her 10^th birthday present in the mail, its is a human trailer system for hiking on narrow paths. It works pretty darn well, I love spoiling her. See the picture I attached below.

-We have turned away from night nurse help because of the difficulty of finding a committed, “good” one, and instead we have been happy to receive an RN during the day, two days a week.

- During our time of RV hunting we were constantly frustrated because the standard RV door was not wide enough for Anna and her wheel chair. Amid the search we felt compelled to apply to the Make A Wish foundation to see if they could help. In the process, we did find an RV. Now Make A Wish selected Anna to receive a wish. It puts us in a mind state of wonder and gladness, pray for God to reveal what would be Anna’s sincerest desire for mankind to gift. I asked Renee what Anna would want and she instantly replied “she would want to be healed.”  

-Anna completed intake at a speech clinic that specializes in Eye-gaze devices. May the Lord do a miracle there as we have plateaued in knowing how to use it.

 

Praise God for:

-a wonderful summer.

-my mother’s strength and interests resurfacing amid being in memory care.

-Classical Conversations, ballet, enrichment programs and AWANA for Renee and Victor

-Victor’s 3^rd birthday.

-our time with Simon “diamond” and how his life continues to impact us for good.

-Continued hymn sings at our house 

 

Please Pray for:

-Our daytime nurse is Nicole, pray for her to engage on a heart level that Anna would be befriended by her and loved. May our family be salt and light to her as well.

-our faithfulness and availability to minister to these three families that they may come to a place of meeting with Jesus and offering sacrificial praises amid their dark and heavy loads. If not me, then may they have an Olivier. Or maybe an Aaron or Hur who upheld Moses arms during Israel's battle against the Amalekites. May God be glorified. 

With love, Nic for the Currat

Three Founts of Blessing

 

Dear Prayer Warriors,

The Fount of Renewal

I have a retired military neighbor who likes to keep busy and his bride often cooks a little extra to send it over to us.  If we visit, they always have a sweet treat for my kids to enjoy. They have grown kids and need little, they give much, always stating, “It’s nothing, it’s really nothing.” God gave us a great example of “loving your neighbor” right in front of us. He has helped me on a number of home improvement things and given guidance about general maintenance. He’s the guy on the street with two trucks, one that has an undeniable look of 20+ years of duty to him and the other is his “Sunday truck” well waxed and low miles.

 

About a month ago Lindsey cleaned the junk off our patio and had a truck load of bulky garbage items to take to the dump. So I called my handy neighbor and asked to borrow his truck. After explaining the task, he said: “Just leave it out front and I will pick it up.” It's like he’s out to make our life easier. Lindsey placed it all out front and sure enough he scooped it up. The most notable thing we discarded was our crib, it restrained all of our kids except for Anna.  

 

During our week of remembrance of Simon and his passing in early July, my lawn mower stopped working. I asked my guy to come have a look. He gave the diagnosis and told me to come on by his house, he had a surprise for us. There, on his back patio, he had transformed our crib into a kid’s picnic table, an Etsy worthy picnic table. With just one glance Lindsey recognized the teething marks and cried at the beauty of it repurposed. This awesome kid’s table we were gifted “at just the right time” signifies God repurposing my family through our grief and growth. Jesus is redeeming those who run to Him. Losing my son urges me not to waste my life, I pray to be a part of what God is doing! Even in these prayer emails, I pray that God would activate my spiritual gift of encouragement.  

  

So today, in light of what we’ve been through, I pray I look more like that picnic table and less like the broken-down crib that spent months outside by our trash cans. Come have dinner with us, sing with us. The salvation that comes from Him matters today. Let the prayers for renewal continue, for steps of faith.

 

The Fount of Hopefulness

^“6 The wolf will live with the lamb,
and the leopard will lie down with the goat.
The calf, the young lion, and the fatling will be together,
and a child will lead them.
⁷ The cow and the bear will graze,
their young ones will lie down together,
and the lion will eat straw like the ox.
⁸ An infant will play beside the cobra’s pit,
and a toddler will put his hand into a snake’s den.
⁹ None will harm or destroy another
on My entire holy mountain,
for the land will be as full
of the knowledge of the Lord
as the sea is filled with water.” Isaiah 11:6-9 (HCSB)

My soul revels in this passage of Scripture, I think on it, on the implications. I find the antithesis of the death of my son in verses 8 and 9. All of this is astonishing, like a return to the Garden of Eden. The last verse is a rocket ship of wonder to me! What would it be like to live in a world where every living thing would be filled with the knowledge of God? doesn’t our post-Christian culture boast that it doesn’t know God? It’s incredible to consider every human being as “full of the knowledge of the Lord”. What a remedy, maranatha!   

 

This has been my pastime in grief. Not just being in God’s Word, but opening my mind to Heavenly things (or Millennial Reign things) as a future expectation, often discussing these things with my bride Lindsey. Without knowing, she challenged me to effectively remove my “bucket list” and turn it into a “to do” list on the new earth. My agenda of things here can wait including my trans-Atlantic sailboat trip ending in the south of France. I let go of these things and see God’s bucket list for His children instead: Trusting God by His Word. Sharing the Gospel in boldness. Loving in such a way that proves I am His disciple. Unending compassion for the lost and poor. Serving all. Praying fervently and frequently. Blessing and encouraging His Church.  

  

The Fount of Remembrance

At the two-year mark, I could not foresee God’s clear directive of what to do with the leftover money from all the giving we received upon Simon passing. It became a kind of thing holding us back. We felt it needed to be used to help us move on. So many people I never met gave, and people we knew gave generously. I never understood why, “These guys lost a kid, let's give them money!?!”  I asked God about it, and He had me rest on the fact that this was their way of sharing our grief. It was to bless us and show support. A form of comfort amid the tragedy.

 

We used all we needed for individualized therapies for each family member except Victor and Anna. The money helped us grieve to buy for the poor in sizes that Simon would have been. We thought about giving it all to God’s mission as it relates to Simon’s passions like homelessness, or Community Bible Study. We did that to a generous extent. We considered paying a huge chunk of our mortgage off, however that rang hollow. Then the Lord had me consider the passage where Simon Iscariot criticizes the women who anointed Jesus’ feet with expensive oil.  Jesus’ reply showed me that her loving act is worthwhile, priceless, causing that woman's generous act to be remembered always. 

 

After a surprise stumbling upon, we found a private, year-round campground that sells campsites. We prayed and visited a few times.  We bought a lot and a 20-year-old camper that has had some surprises. I am calling the place Simon’s camp. It is our aim that this camp will grow memories for our family, that it would be an Ebenezer commemorating “thus far the Lord has helped us.” It’s this legacy that Simon has given to us, a place to recall and remember his liveliness and love, to intentionally celebrate the things Simon loved. God’s faithfulness, peace, and goodness has been shining through. Simon loved camping but only experienced it 3 times. With Anna it’s been difficult to camp given her baggage of medical stuff. By having our own site this allows us to keep much of what she needs up there so we can just get in the car and go camping. I never imagined owning an RV, with my pay, we could never have afforded this kind of thing. Praise God, who blesses and surprises us. Who wants to go camping with us?

 

I remain thankful to be Simon’s dad. It’s becoming harder to remember, I lean more on the recorded things. His sweetness softened me! The mission of being Simon’s dad is one of the best things on my life’s resume. What a trophy of God’s grace. I have peace knowing that God is well pleased at the faith Simon grew in his short years on earth. What a precious, exceptional gift being a father is! I also have much more raising and growing left to do in this family!!

 

Praise God for:

-A wonderful summer of life-giving things. We returned to the Joni and Friend family respite camp in Nebraska. Renee and I visited my brother Olivier and his family in North Carolina.

-The Lord’s many ways of enriching our life, for Simon’s camp.

 

Please Pray for:

-The start of Kindergarten for Renee. That she will enjoy learning and growing interests. That she would make new friends that spur her on in faith and wonder.

-Anna to have stable and healthy neurological connections. We had a seizure night about three weeks ago where we needed to use the “rescue med” and take her to the ER. Pray that we would also be accepted into a clinic specializing in the use of her eye gaze device.

-continued direction from the Lord on how to comfort others with the comfort God has shown us.

Thankful for your help and care,

Nic for the Currats

Agape Love

 Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

 I’m coming to you with stacks on stacks of praise. This Lord of ours has shown me so much steadfast love and grace. He has been more than the Lifter of my head, more than the Giver of good gifts. At the center, He is my Father. The Author of my providence. Whose I am means more to me now than who I am.

 

Let me give you more to grasp onto so we can share in the awe of answered prayer, starting with work. Peace, laughter and rich communication redefines a specific relationship that was once difficult and frustrating, God showed me mercy through this renewed relationship. In regards to my struggles to lead compassionately as a servant leader, a team member boldly asked me to promote and develop. What this means is that in the past few weeks I have articulated with enthusiasm not just company goals, but philosophy of leadership and identified his skills. This guy could have asked a year ago or two months from now, but instead he came to me right after my confession of pridefulness. Praise God, it’s as if I am lifting up this coworker to succeed more. The Lord divinely directed this circumstance at just the right time. God is the softener of my heart in the hard places. Now this team member works with a whole new perspective, with a greater buy-in to why we do what we do. It gratified my mind to invest in this way. Lastly, our store has been comping (gaining sales) exceptionally well, operationally we got recognized as “top dog” among 100 stores. This favorable providence at work draws praise out of me especially when I know how intentionally we have been in prayer about this. Thank you!!!

I am humbled about how this ask for prayer has turned out. It reminds me of this praise song lyric: “So I run to the Father, fall into grace, I'm done with the hiding no reason to wait. My heart needs a surgeon, my soul needs a friend so I run to the father again, and again, and again,”

 

In 10 days, we aim to honor and thank Jesus our Shepherd for the life of Simon Emmanuel. Our Simon-Diamond! What love and healing he brought to me. This past Father’s Day, I shared with my children graveside how Anna’s birth caused me to surrender nearly all things a normal daddy looks forward to. Then Simon was born, slowly as he grew, I got to pick these “daddy things” up that I laid down years ago. Carrying him on my shoulders for the first time was one of those moments of healing he brought me.

 

When Simon was nearly two, we visited the Littleton Historical Museum. It’s a turn of the century farm with many animals, a blacksmithing shack and a terrific Little House on the Prairie type home. He explored with great wonderment the sights and smells via those young feet with a tiny gait. The idea just came to me, let me try and have him sit on my shoulders. Perhaps it was my sense of belonging to him that made me want to scoop him up, it was a joyful thing. I was as proud as a king being crowned.  For the first time, I carried a child of mine on my shoulders even though I had been a father for 5 years already. It was a joyful, healing daddy thing. In looking back, God didn’t tell me to buck up and get tough on that longing, nor that I should be grateful just to have Anna as is (which I am). Carrying Simon didn’t bring healing to Anna; but it showed me that God has great love to give me through this son.

 

I am about to cross over two years of grief and pressing into the bounty of hope found only in the Word. I have learned lots but it doesn't replace the tremendous relationship I once shared with my wonderful boy. Jesus, it is Jesus the only hope that doesn’t disappoint when I take Him at His Word, He became my greatest reliance in loss. My bride at my side served as a radical reminder that God is still good, I can surrender and walk in this though I don’t want to. I am reminded of God’s goodness and love even when I still weep because of Lindsey’s faith.  It is love that I linger on the most, the love I have received humbles me, I have never looked at 1 Corinthians 13 more in my life and tried to apply it.  

 

The best summation of how I feel going into this current wave of grief at the two year mark comes from a recent short video I watched from a wise old lady named Joni Eareckson Tada. She observes that in suffering there is great spiritual gain, prayers like “teach me Lord through this.” Is lofty and righteous to do yet it is still left wanting. She offers this illustration:

 "Suppose I was a little girl on my bike and this great downhill portion is ahead of me.  I engage it, lose control in the soft gravel and fly off the bike landing with cuts, blood, screaming in pain. My father quickly comes to my aid. He could say “your shoelace is untied, you started braking too late, always avoid gravel, I told you to pump up the tires. next time you will know.” But No. No, not all!  All that little girl just wants at that moment is her daddy’s arms around her, holding her, telling her it's going to be ok, "I love you."

At this milestone, all I am interested in is my Perfect Heavenly Father holding me, comforting me, giving me peace, telling me whose I am. His authorship and relationship with me is far greater than lessons learned and head knowledge, His love is better than refinement, its agape love.

 

Please Pray for:

-Anna. For God to assign His best choice for our new Speech Therapist. last week we did the intake. We have decided to go clinic-based instead of at-home services. Our aim is for improved communication using her Eye Gaze Device. Tonight we are doing a sleep study at Children’s Hospital that is why I am finding a little time to write. Pray that she can sleep with all those probes and wires. Also, the 12 Botox injects last month have been worthwhile.

-continued grace and love as we believe God’s best for our family. The Lord gives, the Lord has taken away, Blessed be the Lord. May we always see Simon as a vital, important part of our family in his absence too. I have been intentional to impress on our kids the value and importance they each bring as part of our family. We are planning a small family outing on July 5th. for the Lord's protection and wisdom too. 

-Continued transformation at work into Christ likeness with great love. 

- Mom. she has been doing well, she is not having falls or much confusion at all. and my work has enabled me to see her every week by giving me a half day weekly. she is about an hour and a half away. 

"We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all God’s people— the faith and love that spring from the hope stored up for you in heaven and about which you have already heard in the true message of the gospel." Colossians 1:3-5 let us believe this for one another for the gospel's sake!

With Love, 

Nic for the Currats