Satisfied in God's Goodness

 

Dear Prayer Warrior,

Secular or Sacred

There is one verse in the Bible that makes me worship more than all the others.

"Therefore, wait for Me— this is the Lord’s declaration— until the day I rise up for plunder. For My decision is to gather nations, to assemble kingdoms, in order to pour out My indignation on them, all My burning anger; for the whole earth will be consumed by the fire of My jealousy." Zephaniah 3:8

It's all gonna burn. The temporary things, the earth is going to experience wrath because mankind has taken the sacred and traded it for the secular. God will bestow revenge. 

Most people see the world as secular because they cannot grasp a Creator as easily as they can analyze their senses. I remember seeing the world as secular, not sacred. The deception of the secular worldview is ancient. I admit it is hard to grasp the sacred when living in this fallen world. It's a place where the food chain exists, where violence can bully. A secular mindset has no ability to worship the true God, or give credit to Him. Littering, Natural disasters, genocides, and divorce are all bummers officially. Secular humanism will comfort us a little by letting us know that at least we are all in this together.

 

Perhaps I’m just a tree-hugging Coloradan when I say that the sacred is obvious to me when I look at nature. Or maybe like Paul describes, the scales of my eyes were removed upon submission to Jesus. Either way, vast landscapes with infinite detail, clear fresh breezes, a still forest, all contain God’s creative, sacred beauty. There is a semblance of eternity in nature because much of the landscape will outlive me naturally. Here littering, Natural disasters, genocides, and divorce can destroy but not without God’s permission and His promise to settle every account with justice in His time. 

The special revelation of the sacred comes through Scripture not nature. The Bible assures us that where we are, where we find ourselves, is completely sacred. I love the passage in Romans 8:20-21 that says that all of creation is subject to futility, groaning waiting for the sons of God to be revealed. Which ultimately means that creation is waiting for the Creator to return to rid the world of the illusion of the secular. 

 

A secular worldview gets confronted when God appears to Moses and says that the ground he is on is holy. It's holy because God is there. isn't God everywhere? Another challenge to a secular viewpoint occurs when the Seraphim proclaim to Isaiah that the whole world is full of His (God’s) glory. Not just certain areas of the world have God’s glory, but all of it and it is full.

 

So in the context of my tiny life before the Almighty complete with suffering, loss, disability, mental illness and trauma I choose to see the sacred in my trials. There have been spiritual attacks, there are mysteries around my children that I can’t answer. the secular understanding suggests to abandon the Lord because it’s not adding up to a “blessed” life. It would make sense to turn inwardly, to lick my wounds, and emote in dysfunctional pride because I withstood loss and sadness. I reject such recompense because there is no dependence on God in those resolutions. Jesus is the author and finisher of my trials. He is the Redeemer of a sacred worldview.

 Yahweh purposes all things. God is behind my trials far more than Satan. Yes I have journeyed through the sadness, through the endurance of caretaking and prayed for outcomes that never came. But my faith, informed by the bible, tells me that the Keeper of Time is producing His purposes through this. Suffering, death is horrible to endure but completely necessary and meaningful in my case. Holy Jesus offers His company, His tears and mourning as I open up to Him in prayer. I am convinced that there is no greater thing that i can do then to obey and depend on God. Believing is my orientation, obeying actuates. I choose to look for this in my days to come: “He satisfies you with goodness, your youth is renewed like the eagle” Psalms 103:5. May the Currat’s experience a revival of goodness in the land of the living as the Lord wills. Should it not come, I will continue to worship.

John, Forrest, and Charity my Christian Pop Culture Landscape of Late

I got some minor ripples from the Johnny Mac splash. To me, John McArthur always gave off an unapologetic, deadpan look. He seemed cold in impression and less than compassionate, this made me hesitate to dive deeply into his writings or sermons. By contrast I think of sunny John Piper and his deep sense of awe and enthusiasm for the Word, it was no wonder I listened to John Piper’s much more. Even so, I’ve got a notable John McArthur story: At my Target in Chicago, I was asked by a friend and coworker to officiate her wedding to her female fiancée. To validate her reasoning, she called me her “man of God” amid her circle of friends. I never considered doing it, but I spent a long time considering what to say as I declined her invitation. As I prayed about it over the following days, I came across a John McArthur comment that really helped. He stated that the most loving thing a Christian can do for their unbelieving friends is to not “play along” and overlook their sins that will cause eternal separation from their loving Creator. Suddenly passages about one man and one woman were not even part of my reply. Instead, I let her know how much I sinned and assumed it was no big deal to God because I made up my own version of who god was to me. I let her know that a true “man of God” is someone who leans on God's understanding. Which is God's Word. he learns who God is according to His Word.

 

I loved and cared for my coworker by telling her what sins I committed that I thought weren’t an offense to God and how that changed over the years as I got to know the Scriptures. I learned that knowing God and what he likes and doesn’t like is done by reading the Bible rather than making stuff up.

 John McArthur’s advice remains a great tool of evangelism. Too often, today even, I look at my unbelieving coworkers and permit their cursing and the use of the Lord's name in vain around me. Their gender confusions, obsession with carnality and comfort were never my business. I overlook these things and say “you can’t expect a pagan to talk like a Christian.” But how many chances of sharing the love of God have I missed because I permitted their vulgarity and allowed the depravity into conversations by others? I resign to silence far too much. Let’s pray for a change here among my coworkers.    

 

Providentially, on our wonderful Joni and Friends retreat, we were greeted with a welcome bag. There were toys for the kids, snacks and the book Slave by John McArthur. I have been in it for a while and the great “cover-up” that the book exposes is that New Testament authors and early church fathers all understood their relationship with Jesus as his slave mostly. Modern Bible translations have for centuries replaced “slave” with “servant”. it is challenging to see myself as a slave of Christ. Ever since November 10^th 2006, I see my life as being in relationship with Jesus. Dependent on Him, but having a list of things I would like our relationship to consider. He is the author; I am his new creation. That isn’t quite the posture of a slave to their master. Maybe the potter and clay is a better metaphor of a slave/master relationship. “Woe to him who strives with him who formed him, a pot among earthen pots! Does the clay say to him who forms it, ‘What are you making?’ or ‘Your work has no handles’?” Isaiah 45:9 “Master help me silence my backtalk at You and my agenda.”

 

Another pop culture thing that happened that has edified my faith is Forrest Frank’s apparent supernatural healing. Imagine a young version of Toby Mac, doing beat-heavy Christian music with honest, relatable lyrics, and creative metaphors. Forrest broke his back skateboarding in multiple places and documented his journey on video. To paint a picture of who he is, he authored the song “God’s got my back” while lying in bed with his broken back. Two weeks after the break he woke up pain free, played with his son and was bouncing him up and down. Waking up to the miraculous realization that he’d been healed, he went to urgent care to x-ray his back and there was no evidence of a fracture at all only two weeks later. He has posted videos of the x-rays. In spite of it all, I am shocked at how glossed over this occurrence has been received.

 

Lindsey and I had a date night last week to see Charity Gayle in concert. We humorously felt our age as the music blared and the distractions mounted. It was worshipful but heavy on our senses. The slow part of her set was shared with her husband Ryan and they gave glory to God with the story of their first-born son who was a NICU baby, unable to breath on his own. But God brought breath and might amid their surrender as parents. Hallelujah!

 After the show, Lindsey and I conversed about whether or not that was a “trial” since it was so brief and miraculously resolved. Of course it was, but in light of our perseverance with God’s plan for Anna, we couldn’t help but be envious a bit. God in His grace reminded me that we also experienced NICU healing of the supernatural, providential nature.  When it was a matter of life and death with Anna God stabilized her blood pressure after the medicines were not causing the response they were hoping for. 

 

On some level acute miraculous healing is not the meat and potatoes of a faith filled life, it’s more like the maraschino cherry of it. I am enjoying the cherry of Forrest’s healing, and the triumph of Charity and Ryan’s son. I have been praising the Lord and ascribing these miracles to Him as they point to Jesus. God still heals supernaturally. Let’s not forget that complete healing for all who believe is a matter of time regarding all suffering. In the meantime there is the Spirit’s equipping and Jesus’ shepherding.

 

Praise the Lord for:

-Our healing. We have our first child to “normally” experience the 1^st grade. She may be the third born but Renee is blazing a trail bravely as school is underway. We are going to experience the first grade! (Simon died the summer before 1^st grade. It hurt us how very prepared and excited we were). It feels as a sort of emergence from our loss. A neat detail is that I can attend to help Lindsey during the CO-OP day because my work wants me to close the store that day.

-His equipping. We received a home lift to transfer Anna from her bed to chair. We also received her new wheelchair. We ordered a new bath chair and eye gaze device. We are entering into the less talked about struggles of caretaking as we should not be lifting Anna anymore because she is about 75 pounds. This requires more time and planning.

-My mother! I am enjoying time with her. She is tired mainly but better than two years ago. Being wheelchair bound has stabilized her and UTI's have 'ot been present. Please pray for her eyes to improve she has constant pain in one of them. 

 

Please Pray for:

-our unity, to share stresses and fatigue amid our family’s demands. We are asking for wisdom, planning and sharing the workload as much as possible. Perhaps the church body can help, though I don’t know what that would look like. I have a knack for adventure and spontaneity that might need to rest on the back burner during this season.

-the goodness of the Lord to satisfy us. As Lindsey and I are learning what it means for our love to “bear all things, hope for all things, and endure all things.” We still find a sense of defeatism to our thinking and plans primarily from trauma. “why get my hopes up when disaster can strike…” type of thinking. May God “wow” us into dreaming again in Him.

 

Thank for reading, encouraging us and praying,

 

Nic, on behalf of Lindsey, Anna, Simon, Renee and Victor  

Onward in Christ

Dear Prayer Warriors,

As my family and I were remembering, grieving, and living though the 3^rd anniversary of the loss that has so marked us. We kept busy that day. Late in the morning, I looked to my phone for a quick break from it all only to hear about Camp Mystic and the Guadalupe River. I heard amid people trying to talk about it, over and over: “I can’t imagine what you are going through.” My flesh, Mr. Secular himself said: “well I got a pretty good idea of how awful that is.” As I reflected a bit more, this tragedy took the eyes off of me and my context. I felt the Lord asking me to grow in compassion then and there. To not be secular about it, desensitized or scroll to another topic. I prayed for the missing, for mercy, comfort, for good to come out of this.

 

This call to action reminded me of something Lindsey said in the first few months of losing Simon. She told me that she has laid to rest the idea that God will always keep and protect his children from the enemy. She genuinely believed in God being a fortress, strong tower -until He isn’t.  The healer of all our diseases -until He doesn’t. God permits the free will of mankind to play out no matter how damaging to his children: murder, kidnapping, sex trafficking, kids dying… it can happen to any saint. Disciples of Jesus do not get a pass from the domain of darkness physically, tangibly or emotionally. No, they have to walk though it, this is spiritual warfare. Lindsey concluded that the power of God is most clear to a watching world when He allows his children to “suffer well” as they rely on God through the unimaginable.

 

  The bible tells me that there is good and evil warring here and now. A duality of kingdoms existing in the spirit world. One is the dominion of darkness and the second the kingdom of God’s Son.  Praise be to God, that The Lord transfers us who believe and depend into the Kingdom of His Son. Colossians 1:13 imparts to the believer a better way to see these tragedies when they arrive at your door. A way to beckon the holy God into our lives when things are not good. It says: “For He (God) has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves,” Notice the past tense of the phrase. For the believer in Jesus, this transfer has already happened. This is the reality to remember to cling to when the impossible, or the worst happens.  

 

I had tragedy when I living in the dominion of darkness. My struggles allowed me to embrace my sins and taught me to run to addiction for coping. When my dad died, I turned to blaming others and revenge made sense. When people go through child loss and they live in the domain of darkness the don’t move onward easily or at all. Life seems joyless and often their loss becomes a type of idol or an injustice that they demand others recognize and pay homage to. In the darkness of death living past it becomes overwhelming, grief gives way to despairing and ultimately to hopelessness.

 

In the Kingdom of His Son there is hope. Jesus endures all things with me. When I live out suffering and affliction obediently God is glorified. With time, good is metamorphosed from it. Love and trust in Almighty God allows me to leave what I don’t know in His hands rather than obsess over it and shake my fist at Almighty God. His Sovereign plan will one day explain these tragedies if I need to know the “why”. I was struck by the dominion of darkness however I do not live nor respond from there.

 

I am a Christian who lost a child in this dark world.

But before that, I am a slave to a King.

His kingdom pushes back the darkness.

That way I hold onto Jesus Christ more than the child.

That way God’s Word heals my broken heart.

That way prayers are answered.

That way brothers and sisters can minister to me.

That way I relent from grieving.

That way heaven becomes a reunion.

That way I can now comfort others.

That way I have a testimony of for God’s glory.

That way I am not alone.

 

 

Generosity Hits

5 years ago, I found out that a Christian organization named Joni and Friends have a network of worldwide Respite Retreats for families raising disabled kids. The closest one to me is about 7 hours away in Nebraska. In response, I eagerly went to my store director and told him the good news; I proceeded to request for the time off. It was less than two months away. He knew my family well enough to get excited for how perfect this all seemed. However, after looking at the leader schedule he said it was not possible.  He and I agreed that this was a must for the following year.

 

It slipped to the back mind and my store director resigned later that year. The following year’s retreat came and went also, I didn’t even think of it. Then Simon died. Upon hearing about my loss, my old boss reached out and attended the funeral. I thought it was super cool that he would do that especially since we haven’t seen or talked to each other for well over a year. For that season, he became one of those people God had placed in my life to check in on me after the funeral. Amid his support one day, he calls me saying, “Remember that retreat you wanted to go on a couple of years back? Well, my wife and I want to send you to that respite re6treat.” The gesture was so amazing, especially as the dust was settling, it gave us something to look forward to. They paid for our week at Joni and Friends and it ministered to our whole family so much even though we were in the throws of sorrow.  I remember writing an entry about the times of worship here at Joni and Friends and how unmasked everyone was.

 

Last year, we saved the amount needed from our tax return so we can return. It was a joy to see many of the same volunteers and other families.

 

This year we did the same thing, saving up the cost from our tax return. One thing we never paid attention to is that an automatic fundraising page is created when you sign your family up. We simply concluded that there were other families perhaps in a more financially difficult spot that could benefit from people giving, so we never shared our fundraising page and resolved to pay for the retreat ourselves. Then I got a couple of random emails saying someone contributed to our fundraising page. “My what?” was my reaction. Someway, somehow two strangers paid for our entire family respite camp this year.

 

It was an extension of the Lord’s grace. Given that there are always things on Anna’s needs list not covered by insurance, we thought we ought to redirect the funds we were going to use for camp to getting Anna a new tricycle. Riding in her current tricycle helps Anna’s legs and bowel movements plus Anna loves rolling around in it. Lindsey did the work to find a foundation that paid half of the 4 thousand dollars. And suddenly we have our respite retreat money to pour into Anna’s new tricycle! Praise God. I will have to send you a picture of Anna on her new tricycle when she gets it.

 

Praise God for:

-Our third year at Joni and Friends family retreat in Nebraska. We have been prayed over, and counseled, and we participated in that other worldly worship again. Lindsey and I have been resting and making puzzles. We are having daily family fun, singing hymns around a campfire, and I believe go carts starts in about 30 minutes!

-Praise God for a 57 volunteers for 16 families for a week.  

-How completely available God is to those who seek Him through death and darkness.

 

Please Pray for:

-our safe return to Colorado, we are heading out tomorrow.

 -Growth and change as we are called to be teachable and growing each day.

-Those that lost children in the Texas flooding. We aren’t even a month away from the incident. Most families are probably just getting ready to start back at work in this season. (if their timeline is anything like mine was).

 

Thanks for walking with us and praying for us, the Currats 

Sketches of My First Born Son

 

Dear Prayer Warriors, 

A friend reminded me that the grief never ends because we loved our child so deeply. I would like to add that my mind does a better job catching the memories that paint my son in the brightest of lights even though I clearly remember time outs and disobedience. Below is a collection of bright memories and treasures, I hope it encourages you, what a kid! 

Simon Emmanuel Currat

I often sat in silence with my Bible and a cup of coffee early in the morning. I’d smile to myself when I heard little bare feet climbing up our carpeted stairs, soon a mop top blond headed boy would peer around the stairwell to catch my gaze. Simon didn’t use words in the morning so it never felt like he was interrupting me, he knew I would be good for a morning hug. Simon greeted me this way then favored a side so I could keep on reading while he quietly stood between me and the Bible. My hand rested tenderly on his shoulder or on his head. Then after some time he wandered over to the couch to look through his Bible while I stayed in mine. Or maybe he’d pick up a pen and paper to write or draw some stuff down.  Mornings were about getting close to God, separately but at the same time. Breakfast came later. We always were the first two up. I’ll confess sometimes I wanted him to catch me in my Bible because I hoped he would imitate me.

 

Simon learned to read by the time he was 6. This came in handy because he reasoned so soundly, so inquisitively. The director of our Classical Conversations Chapter (homeschool co-op) randomly gifted him a two-inch-tall plastic owl with fine detail. She looked him in the eye and told him “I think you are wise.” As she placed the gift in his hand. Simon had cautiousness more than rambunctiousness, questions more than demands, and love over fears. We went to the library almost weekly for him. His selections made me want to be his friend. Probably the coolest book Simon ever brought home was a DIY paper airplane book with dozens of different kinds to build. We used up a ton of paper that week. Lindsey or I read every night to him and Renee because they shared a room. We got through many faith-based books, chapter books, and anything else that captured their imagination. His favorite no doubt was the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. We read the book twice, saw the play, watched the movie and had the book on CD for long trips. Every night one of us cuddled him to sleep. Once it was “lights out” I often sang a song of faith and prayed over them.   

 

Simon’s Ideation

I don’t think I ever needed to remind him that he was a leader and that Renee was looking to him for an example. Simon was generously kind to her unless he was working on something that required his careful attention. I do recall the many “stop it Renee.” She often proved to be too much for his patience during mid focus. It was just him and Anna for his first 3 years; from this he developed a curiosity that would keep him busy rather than bored. He didn’t cling to mom and dad like most kids his age. Once we moved to the Springs, Simon claimed the forgotten and neglected backyard as his lab. This yard came complete with a couple extra-large red ant hills, weeds in place of grass and glorious dirt. I wouldn’t be surprised if Simon genuinely thought he discovered irrigation and channeling water. I say this because he was so excited to lay down extra gutter, PVC pipes and connect them to a good old fashioned ditch he just dug.  He intentionally buried treasure. He had the mind of an inventor envisioning something and then passionately grasping at their surroundings to seek how the vision can become a reality. His Hot Wheel track creations taught him all day long about gravity, potential and kinetic energy.

 

I never tried teaching Simon French. But I did teach him to cook. Wrapped up in the kitchen was some of our best bonding. Like most kids, Simon grasped the dump and mix with overnight success. He also peeled a chunk of skin off with a peeler, I think that is a rite of passage. It’s his ideas I miss terribly. He knew that Anna had needs that insurance didn’t cover. So he decided that once a month or so, we would turn our house and our front yard into Best Café. That was the name for one of his grandest ideas. We would set tables in the grass as if it were a patio, 2-tops, 4-tops and a big family table. The same goes in our Living Room. I never saw it but I bet somewhere in the lost art he drafted up a map of where all the tables could go. Unapologetically he assigned me to all the cooking. And happily volunteered to get everyone’s order. The neighbors could come; he also listed church people and family members to feed. “come and eat at Best Café and leave a donation for Anna.”  We stopped short of developing a business plan. 

 

Another excellent idea that Lindsey suspects we might see on the New Earth is a water slide from the top of Pikes Peak to downtown Colorado Springs. This was another venture Simon carefully cooked up with Anna’s massage therapist. During Anna’s sessions, Simon would sit nearby and plausibly imagine a waterslide over 30 miles long. Then this middle-aged man with two grown boys was a professional at imagining the hypotheticals about the project. They would laugh and converse at what could be, they had such sincere fun dreaming this slide up together, I was almost jealous of how he made my son’s dreaming take flight. It was wonderful to listen to.

 

 

Simon sought out friendship. His best examples of friendship came from being around Anna, because he gave so much of himself. Simon always wanted to take care of Anna. He brought her toys, wanted to push her around. He could correctly dose the medicine, pour the formula and stop and start the feeding pump. We always let Anna sleep in during breakfast since she didn’t eat with us, but one day Simon decided we needed to take our breakfast into her room, listen to music and eat our breakfast there. I happily called it the “breakfast club”. By the end of the first meeting he made a Breakfast Club sign and so we had multiple gatherings mostly in Anna’s room. Once we took the Breakfast Club on the road to our front porch. It was a four-member club with Renee, Anna, Simon and me. Other than Anna, I recall a boy he had several playdates with for about 6 months and wrote a letter to once he moved away. Simon loved generously, at the homeschool Co-op he seemed much more hesitant to make friends choosing to be close to Anna instead. It didn’t help that most of the boys were older than him.  

 

Simon's Faith

Imagining, engineering, and family aside, Simon loved the homeless so much that he wanted to do something. He asked me why this existed, and I shared with him all the reasons I knew that might land someone homeless. He always expected more of a black and white answer. His little heart couldn’t understand. It made me remember that I don’t understand, yet accept it, I choose to dismiss it too often. Not so with Simon! We biked by the many homeless encampments along the river and he was deep in thought. I know God cares for the poor but Simon challenged me to see the love that I have has grown cold toward the homeless. Simon demonstrated a sense of action. Somehow I knew that driving by the panhandlers and ignoring them wasn’t going to fly anymore in Simon’s eyes. Jesus loves them and that was the bottom line for Simon. He decided to make homeless bags with nourishing food. Knowing that was a “band-aid” I decided to type up a list of places in the city that provide shelter, food, places to find employment and addiction help. We put that in each bag along with a gospel tract. Simon became a radar for spotting the homeless and so we dropped off our bags and prayed with them. In this world we will always have the homeless, but we learn to trust that God is using our “two fish and five loaves” to multiply and change lives. This life Simon lived, he lived to the glory of God.

 

When we had time to drive up just me and him to see Grandma, or to take Anna to a doctor appointment in Denver we spoke richly about the fallen state of mankind, I reasoned with him about why sin breeds addictions and a life apart from God’s design and will. Most of these talks ended with prayer, how I passionately pleaded with God that Simon would learn by listening rather than by mistakes like the ones I made. I never sugarcoated this world for him. And helped and hoped that he would see the worth in following Jesus. I spoke to him as if it was time to make a choice to follow Jesus, to hear His voice. We often blasted Toby Mac’s The Elements album. I remember a specific ride home from Denver when he asked what the lyrics of the songs meant. Then, song after song I paraphrased each stanza. It was a Spirit filled exchange and I would try to stop after each song, but he would say “what about this one.” He was my disciple.

 

Simon prayed face down to a God he knew was in the room.  Have you ever tried to teach reverence toward God to a kid? It’s hard, but here he was teaching me. His prayers were a confessional wrestling match of feelings, he thought out the words not repeating often. He always included God’s abilities and solutions. Stating often “God you could do ____.” He trusted in God’s attributes. In our prized video collection of him, we have an 11-minute video of him reading the unabridged Exodus 32 passage of the golden calf just because in Sunday school that was the story they learned about. I thought maybe he would serve God all his life. Maybe becoming a pastor or a missionary. In reality Simon did serve God all his life, it was just a short, well lived, completed mission. Simon had outward notable markings of faith in Jesus and love of the Bible. He wrote two worship songs, he honored his parents, memorized all of Psalm 23 and most of psalm 139. 

Obviously I could go on…

 

Praise God for:

-How blessed my life was with him.

-Children teaching parents.

-The life and death of Simon Emmanuel Currat.

 

Please Pray for:

-Us this next week as we remember his life and love.

-God to heal our broken hearts.

-our faith to be greater than our sorrow.

-That Scripture and particularly Heaven would speak to our hearts

-spiritual protection for us from reliving the trauma, the sense memory of that day 

A Full Fatherhood

 Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

Father’s Day brought fun and blessings to us. As I live out the remaining few hours of the day, perhaps it’s good for me to inventory my call as a father this past year and reveal my kid’s inner workings. Tonight I’m up at Simon’s Camp solo to reseal the seams of the RV roof tomorrow. The vast expanse of land before me is darkening as I write, the clouds swerve and swirl like a van Gogh painting on a golden-bluish sky. I’m tired but asking for the Spirit to stoke the fire in my soul with words of the Spirit’s insight, Biblical truth and introspection.

 

Simon continues to be a glad and dearly missed part of my life. I lived every Father’s day of my childhood as if it was just another day. After Simon’s death, I considered dismissing the day. But I have a yearning to take my family out for brazen adventures, I live with conviction to keep God in the minds and hearts of my kids daily. It helps that I get these bear hugs and drawings and doughnuts on Father’s Day too. I know God is a joy giver because He gave me kids! I remain compelled to rejoice in being a father rather than be consumed from a lost son. It is my understanding that even if I just had Simon, I would still be a father. Does a father stop being a father when death takes their kid? I don’t think so, firstly because Simon lives. Secondly, being a father holds transformative power causing irreversible empathy and other centeredness. Even if I had no other kids, my life is marked by them, and I am better because of it.

 

Renee, 6, has increasingly filled our calendar as we committed to bring her to Ballet, Soccer, AWANA, as well as a weekly homeschool enrichment day.  She continues to have moments of considerable emotional distress, many connected to Simon but also a few regarding laziness, hungry, and tired situations. We always encourage her to use her words to share her feelings, Lindsey’s patience in these episodes is praise worthy. She persists in concern while I tend to wait until it “blows over”. Or I flippantly say “your feelings aren’t the boss of you Renee.” Her trusted, shredded blankie remains a key help in these situations. Renee and I enjoy neighborhood walks together and making dinner together. She is shyer than Simon was so we are not at a Best Café level of hospitality yet, perhaps someday. This is not to knock Renee, now that she is the age Simon was when he died, it's incredible to consider how smart Simon was and I didn’t think anything of it. He was reading and writing on his own, making music and planning days out. Renee resists long periods of concentrating and Simon was attracted to them. Although you give Renee a detailed craft, or a visual exercise and she will meditate over it and want it to be perfect. Another rite of passage that is occurring is a season of back talking. Teaching respect is a whole other lesson I wasn’t prepared to teach. Pray for us.

 

Victor 3, must be in theater training because at times he will mimic Renee remarkably including back talking. It is apparent because his episodes contain the same words or gestures only about really superficial things like when I turn off the TV or when it's time to brush my teeth. Again, Lindsey considers his feelings and patiently seeks to understand while I may say, “make good choices son, lets go!” And expect him to comply momentarily. Oh to be more like Lindsey! Victor cannot separate the serious from the silly nor hold God to a level of worship or holiness without help. He often jokes about Satan like he is some play figurine and completely fictional. I struggle to know what to say in those moments. We enjoy each other, laugh often

 

I have prayed for my children more this year. I confess sometimes it’s out of fear of what they may turn into based on behaviors I see. I need to lay this down because I’m not in control, nor do I know the future. I aim to be in awe at what God can do with a life surrendered to Him from an early age. Therefore, I have become more intentional to pray for the things that will most edify them in Christ. We sing and worship frequently. They love CD’s of kids singing worship songs. Devotion times as a family have been less intentional than in the past but more organic. At dinner every night we take turns saying our “highs”, “lows” and “thankfuls”.

 

 

 

This year has been the first time I have fathered with persistent physical pain. The constant distraction caused by this has made me rely on my bride and kids far more than years before. It’s a check to my pride and ding on my daddy armor. It is humbling and humiliating to pass up wrestling with the kids, or sitting down for a board game because of pain. I found myself stretching during prayer time with God during my devotions, is this normal? The legalist might even reprimand me. As I have sought the Lord for healing, there has been some progress. He has caused me to dwell on the idea of carrying your cross and how it applies to saying “no” to physical comfort. I try to thank Him sincerely for this pain as well as the great ability I still operate with. It makes me honor my daughter Anna who has bouts with pain and it is always so hard to investigate it.

 

Sweet Anna Pie still dominates our calendar with therapies and doctors. She remains in a season of remarkable health given her medical baggage. The challenges she faces are centered around normal kid stuff, Praise the Lord. She has excessive drooling from her K-9 teeth coming in, puberty is unfolding, and she is becoming too heavy to lift. She hasn’t outgrown enjoying the silly sounds her dad makes, and vestibular input, motion remains king of the things she enjoys. Dance parties with full on wheelchair moves remain as some of her favorite things. Her face will always light up when we start singing and her voice will utter praise sounds as we sing words of praise. We still get frustrated at not knowing what’s going on when she fusses. She remains an absolute joy to be around which makes her daily caregiving needs a blessing to execute. Lindsey continues to pour into Anna on a communication level by utilizing the eye gaze device. Sometimes it's jaw dropping what Anna can express.  

 

I also wanted to mention a quick word about how in this last year I have grown increasingly taken, swept off my feet by my bride. I have become increasingly vocal before the kids especially about how gracious God is to me for having Lindsey to cherish and uplift. I think it’s an understatement when the Bible declares “he that finds a wife finds a good thing.”  What a great thing to endure together the path of life God has asked us to walk. Lord willing, we will celebrate 15 years on July 17^th. Thank you for your many prayers for us, may you be satisfied in how the Lord is continuing to answer them!

 

Praise God for:

-Anna’s weight gain. She is nearing the 50th percentile. This has been such an undertaking by Lindsey for the last year! Anna is blessed by all these efforts.

-My work. Ever since my church service was cancelled, and the uncertainty of where to fellowship was at the forefront of my problems; I let my bosses in on this real frustration that I endured. After a few months of sharing my situation I asked if it was possible to have every Sunday off. After a month of deliberation and consulting with the district level about all of this, they granted my request and threw Monday in the deal too. I consider this such a battle fought by the Lord! Now I live with His favor.

 

Please Pray for:

-the visit to the Gastroenterologist Monday (6-16) to keep us progressing on her nutritional intake and bowel movements.

-A new eye gaze device and a new wheelchair. Both are about $30,000 each. Pray for expedited favor. Remember the last chair took about 8 months in appeals ending in independent mediation to cause the insurance to pay? May the Lord fight this battle for us too.

-Mercy and Healing from God for me. Increasing nutrition and self-control as well as good, consistent habits of exercise. That I would not be disqualified from caring for Anna physically.

-intentionality in parenting. Especially in giving a biblical lens for my kids to see the world through. In grasping informal times to behold spiritual truths and giving prompt worship and adoration of Jesus and His Lordship over us.  

-July 5th. as we remember and commemorate three years since Simon's graduation. We are planning a hymn sing at Simon's camp. Come if you can! 

The Godhead Breach

 Fellowship made from grief

There is a new album out by Toby Mac and it ministers to me. Not because of the catchy beats, joyful melodies, or "fresh" lyrics; it’s because he sings about abiding in Jesus. Honestly, it’s our commonality that makes me a fan, he’s got a son in heaven. When he sings about having a grief that will be with him till the day he dies and keeping things in the rearview, it preaches to me better than a Sunday sermon.

 

God has allowed me to identify with fathers who suffer similarly and walk in faith. They are responding with hope in God's Word and that is my aim. Here’s my circle co-father's greif, a father younger than I that I still have breakfast with, a pastor on the radio, Toby Mac, Tim Challies, a mentor, a homeless man, a special needs dad, and an elder from my old church. We are all walking wounded, maybe not bleeding anymore but changed. Those events, the loss, do not define us, Jesus Christ defines us. Therefore, my loss is not all consuming. If I didn’t have the Church, I would never have experienced this brotherhood, they are not blaming God, nor mad at Him (or at least they worked through those seasons). Now they are submissive in releasing their loss to the Lord. This unity compels me in worship!

 

 “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

 

Their Jesus factor, the way they have walked longer than me in grief compounds this sense of “if they can do it, then I can do it.” Satan wants to tempt me by comparing the variables of their situation to mine, but I have rejected that and listen to their hearts of hope amid the loss.

 

Love

Now I humbly turn to the cross of Christ to talk about the love that will not let me go. Words are lacking because there is no comparison of the loss of my son to what God the Father grieved on the day Jesus was pierced for my transgressions. It sounds weird to think of God having to “live through” something since He is the author of life and Omnipresent through it all. But He didn’t create death. God did not deserve to ever experience death because He is disqualified, He is sinless. He didn’t invent it. In His justice He allowed it as a curse for sin. Jesus went through it… “He made Him who knew no sin to be sin in our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” 2 Corinthians 5:12

 

 Jesus’ Biological Father “lived through” the loss of His Son… it may have been the quietest day in heaven. Were angels telling Him "sorry for your loss."?

 

From forever God knew it was coming, the one and only time that a relational breach in the Godhead happened was on Good Friday when Jesus chose to take on our sin and die. Being the God-man, Jesus prayed “If there is any other way take this cup (suffering the cross) from me.” Jesus continues “Yet not my will be done.” Jesus’s humanity didn’t want to die, that’s not hard to understand because we don’t want to die. However, God’s prophetic Word still needed fulfilling. Since Genesis 3, He promised an atonement for sin through a new, everlasting covenant. There is no other way to reconcile God’s perfect, good, justice with mankind's rebellion.

 

The Father knew He was going to see His Son die, and He endured Jesus's suffering and death on the cross. The Father relented in preserving His Son's life because Jesus took on the curse and became sin-saturated. The Father cut off the relationship with the Son. Death won on that day, but God was in control. This sacrifice of love was a ransom payment for sinners looking to God for mercy, grace, and repentance from their sin. Forgiveness from God was fully realized, actuated and finished on the cross. What was meant for evil God turned for good. As the Scriptures attest, time went on, death got swallowed up in victory by the resurrection of Jesus Christ. The non-God bi-product, the curse and consequence of sin was consumed by the resurrection. God gave His creation a way back to Him because God loves us. 

 

The triumph that comes with the power of sin being taken away is adoption by faith. God went from having His one and only, pre-existent Son to signing adoption papers for those who trust in His Word. The signed paternal line for all the sons of Abraham, is written in the blood of the Lamb. Jesus is the firstborn from the dead, bringing many sons and daughters to glory.   The love of God the Father cost Him His Son. Jesus the sinless became filled with sin for one day and it killed Him. What a Messiah.  

 

For today’s world maybe death is too visible and the Resurrection of Jesus too invisible? Maybe faith becomes visible when the suffering Christian suffers in such a way that says “God I trust you, because Jesus did when He prayed “thy will be done.” An unbelieving world will never have faith to look at death as temporary unless the blood of Jesus becomes their lens.

 

God suffered the loss of His Son. It makes me move on without my son Simon and eager to look for the good He’s growing from this.

[Chorus]
“I've been through it, yeah
The kinda pain that makes a man just lose it, yeah
A broken that goes way beyond the bruises and the scars
This old world can be so hard
Yeah, I've been through it
But somehow You've been with me through it all”
-Toby Mac

 

Hopefully this wasn't too wordy or circular in thought. I know there may be some imperfect theology here, I welcome correction as we search the Scriptures for ourselves. I tried to write and imagine with a holy fear of God. It blesses me to spend time writing and praying on this. It's like peering into the things of God, it's all about Jesus!

with love, Nic

Remembering How God Brought Life To Anna

Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

Anna’s 11^th birthday was about a month ago. It’s surprising how this day has turned into one of the most joyful days on the calendar because 11 years ago it was the opposite. This is a foreshadowing to remind me that one day my son's Simon’s death day won’t be a day of grief on the calendar because He is hidden in Christ, promised by God to arise one day! This year I wanted to tell the story of Anna a bit more. Back when I prayed my humblest prayers and saw God intervene in His way. 

 

King over the Flood

Anna’s traumatic birth, I know some of you have been with us these 11 years. Do you all remember how inadequate I felt being a first-time father and “surprise” a special needs dad? I will never forget looking at Anna’s motionless ultrasound screen and my bride’s weeping words “it’s not supposed to be this way.” Minutes later we were told that Anna has a better chance outside the womb than inside because they found a faint heartbeat. She was born in complete silence aside from my whispered prayers in my wife’s ear, and the methodically composed surgeon talk. Anna Elizabeth looked motionless and limp. She was given a super low Apgar score of 2 out of 10 because her heartbeat held and could be detected. Do you recall the enormous storm of unfolding diagnoses in the first month? I didn’t speak doctor, so the steep learning curve of medical terms, medicines, tests, and machinery was defeating. We wanted none of it. 

 

God gave me joy amid moments of calling people to tell them Anna was born 6 weeks early clinging onto life. I was a first-time dad and no amount of complication was going to take that away from me. Perhaps it was a shock mechanism, but God used it for good. This inner city hospital was for low-risk deliveries only, there was no neonatal unit. In the Lord’s providence, on a Sunday morning in snowy Chicago there was a neonatologist sent there from Children’s hospital answering a request to check on another baby born in stable condition but needing to be evaluated. She scrubbed in and intubated Anna. We received the best of care for Anna at a place where we should not have gotten it. 

 

I got a chance to see Anna as Lindsey was getting stitched up, she still wasn’t moving but was wired and tubed everywhere. I nestled my pinky into her itty-bitty palm and sang her hymn Wonderful Grace of Jesus. In response she squeezed my finger and opened her eyes for the first time as if to say “I know you!”. As she was taken away, Lindsey got her first look at Anna through a submarine circle on the transporter. I remember her reaching through it and telling Anna how much she loved her and was going to be with her soon.  

 

 

Baby Steps, Moment by Moment

Anna was taken from her mom for 3 days. My bride Lindsey was post cesarean in “stable” condition in a Chicago hospital with full shock and trauma, grasping to comprehend things like me. Baby Anna was taken away clinging to life in critical condition 30 minutes away in an Evanston hospital. “God, who should I stay with?” I remember asking. My mind kept on trying to figure out what I should do as I cried out to God. My mind said “Anna”, my heart said “Lindsey”. It was the Lord who reassured by thinking upon His Omnipresence, “God’s at both places, He will be where I cannot be.” This thought helped take baby step #1, it helped me stop trying to control things, but to trust things. I held Lindsey’s hand as her whole body trembled for hours, I answered several calls from doctors asking for permission to do things to Anna of which they attempted to explain only moments before. Our church served as a taxi service for me, I visited Anna only after Lindsey’s blessing and once she had company in my absence. By God’s grace, I was keenly aware that no matter how unnatural, difficult and heartbreaking this was for me; this experience was exponentially more difficult for my bride.

 

Weeks went by praying for Anna’s blood pressure, for swallowing, and praising God for her soft fontanelle that allowed us to put off brain surgery long enough for her to gain weight.  In truth the NICU was one step forward, two steps back for a long time. We continued to experience a downward spiral of “no” answers to the prayers we were requesting. Because of who God is, the agenda of miraculous healing was on my mind but God had another path for us to walk and abide on. I negotiated my prayer, “No brain damage God.” Then the MRI showed extensive brain damage. “Clear her ventricles Lord so the blood clots filter out.” That didn’t happen.  “Ok, well prevent the PVL from spreading in the white matter of her brain” New images showed several holes in her white matter still expanding. I further wanted to stop things: “God you made the brain with the ability to drain cerebrospinal fluid naturally, do it please.” God said no. I remember meditating on the term “have pity” and “begging” God for mercy. I remember asking “no more diagnosis of disability” because a couple of weeks went by; In the following years came Hypsarrhythmia, Epilepsy, and Polymicrogyria. 

 

My insistence on figuring out “how God is going to help” came to a head regarding Anna’s Hydrocephalus diagnosis. According to the doctors, Anna needed a shunt installed. This was where my pleading for mercy and the supernatural healing gave way to complete surrender to God. In the dead of winter, I went on a frosty, riverside walk in the snow. Just me and the Lord. I wrestled with God about the shunt surgery, a brain surgery at 6 weeks old. It’s a procedure that comes with a 70% infection rate and 90% chance of needing revisions (more brain surgeries) within the first year. I really did not want this. The miracle didn’t come with supernatural healing, it came from within my faith, on that walk, where I let Him know how scared I was. I laid down my prayer agenda for what He wanted to do. I waited quietly wanting to learn, surrendering the last bit of tug-of-war rope to Jesus. 

 

On that walk the Lord didn’t scold me, or assert “I got this.” But he did take me in my mind’s eye to a memory I made when I was 16 on a trash dump in Manila, Philippines. I remembered kids rummaging through the Smokey Mountain trash dump and those that joined us for church that day. The horrible smell, I remember asking God that day “help me never forget this.” Just like that, on my snowy walk in Evanston, the fear of the shunt surgery was superimposed with my memory of the poor in the Philippines and this thought came: try and see the shunt surgery as a provision not a Goliath because if Anna was born in a third world country, she would not have this option and would die. 

 

Jesus gave me a peace that surpassed all understanding just in time for my daughter’s brain surgery. Sure, I still was shaking and counted on prayer warriors, brothers and sisters in Christ in the waiting room with us. God brought life! No infection or revision! Perhaps it’s a mental miracle that was granted to me, what grace that no complications arose. 

 

In looking back on the 7 weeks in the hospital, those early prayers back when it was life or death for Anna. I requested prayers for “best case” outcome every time. It was humiliating to receive so many “no” answers in prayer. I spent so much time wanting to control the situation through prayer and writing because I was helpless as a father, unable to even hold Anna. But I had to do something. I based most of my prayer “agenda” on what the medical team was telling us. So much trauma, sadness, and disbelief informed my thinking back then. On occasion, God’s character made me dream and ask prayer for big things. It was such an impossible situation to endure and it seemed to keep going on and on. God carried us. Fernando Ortega’s Hymns of Worship CD ministered repeatedly to me like a gold mine to keep my thoughts fixed on Jesus.  This verse spoke hope to me daily and we posted it above Anna’s NICU bed. “He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.” Isaiah 40:11. Anna’s bed had several verses over her by the time we left. 

 

I never cried so hard and for so long in my entire life. I remember typing these updates in the carpeted hallways surrounding the waiting room to the Evanston North Shore NICU. In a ball on the floor with my tablet weeping, writing, polishing determined words of hoping in Jesus. The Lord met me as I conveyed each day’s events with a tender heart hoping that my faith would be an example to others for their trials, not just a dad begging for prayer.  I remember this theme so distinctly, “Lord if this isn’t a mistake to You, equip me!” 

 

The church gave us a collective hope and mercy for Anna’s life back when things were life or death. What support we received, in love, in prayer, meals and finance. Within the first few months Anna was a literal million-dollar baby. Now my baby steps of faith have become strides that God’s glory purposes as He gives Himself glory through Anna’s continued life. To this day, I am reminded by God’s Word that the grand miracle of total healing is assured in the Lord's blessed time and hands.  

 

Praise God for:

-the people that check in with me and want to catch up to this day. 

-Direction regarding Renee’s education. We have shaped a path to allow for continued homeschooling. Thank you for your encouragement.

-Direction received about a house church in light of not being able to attend our church weekly. Currently we go to our home church when we can. I have learned and read much about house or organic churches. We hope to start a small group centered around prayer and singing for the weekends I work with a communion meal. 

-Anna’s “eye-gaze” talker. We continue to have moments where she is clearly communicating through the device as well as moments that make us scratch our heads. Lindsey has now programmed well over a hundred pages for Anna to navigate with about 8 icons on each page that speak for her. Pray for continued wisdom for programming Anna's eye gaze. To expand Anna's vocabulary. She can now choose the colors of her outfits that she wants to wear, and how to do her hair. 

-We have Anna doing horseback therapy again every week. They even allow sibling rides for Renee and Victor, they get a slice of the farm life every Thursday afternoon. 

 

 

Please Pray for:

 

-weight gain, a feeding strategy. After years of complex prayers regarding her conditions. Of late, its simply eating and bowel movements that have become the most needed prayer requests. Anna has gained 7 pounds since December. We need to get her closer to 75 pounds (another 7 pounds) by mid-summer. The problem is we are at maximum intestinal feeding capabilities. Her intestines don’t flex like the stomach does, Anna’s stomach isn’t used to being stretched without food making its way up her esophagus as reflux and possible aspiration. Pray for healing and the ability to take food into her stomach more. For these home blended feeds that we give into her stomach, that they would stay down as her stomach expands. I’m ready to crush up Cheetos and mix it in some Dr. Pepper. Lindsey promised me that is not the way to see Anna gain weight. Alas. 

 

-a healing, or a resolution to Anna’s Urinary Track Infection (UTI). We are on her 6^th UTI this winter. We have been doing homeopathic daily supplements in between doses of antibiotics. It seems like we are coming to a gun fight with a knife. Anna’s Urologist has ordered a day long test up at Aurora Children’s to measure the draining of her blatter. He has introduced to us the idea that Anna might need a full-time catheter or "straight cathing". Now that is something I would not want as her caretaker. 

 

-Regular bowel movements. Cerebral Palsy scrambles the neurological messages from the brain to the muscles which is apparent in her legs and arms. This hyper or hypo tone extends to all her muscles (remember the eye surgery to fix the teeny muscles pulling her eyeballs in different directions). The muscles in her digestive track complicate her ability to push out a stool. Please pray for wisdom to know if a surgical procedure is needed to help make stools more regular.  

 

-the right day nurse 2-3 days a week for Anna. Our current agency doesn’t seem to be able to provide that so we are starting the process with other companies. 

 

I’m thankful for the mercy of fellow believers walking with us in selfless intercession for years.