Wisdom Needed

 Dear Those Who Pray for Us,

As many things compete for our time before the Lord in prayer, I humbly ask to include us. There are a few concerns I bring before you to inquire of the Lord’s help for us. I know that some of you reading don’t believe or pray, but by God’s grace perhaps this bit of honest examination and honest storytelling is the point of view that may help you reconsider who Jesus Christ is and take a closer examination.  

 

God’s Call for Homeschooling or Public School

Having Anna brought surprise after surprise. Lindsey always felt that being a public school teacher was her way to honor God. Surprise! Apparently not, Lindsey humbly accepted becoming Anna’s primary caregiver and became a certified nurse’s assistant. When Anna was 4 we put her in a special public school dedicated to special needs kids all the way until they were 21. Our experience there led Lindsey to pray and ask God if homeschooling was what He wanted for Anna and Simon. She felt God’s direction to keep them both home.

 

About two year later we joined Classical Conversations, a global homeschool curriculum with a co-op, it was just the right added support and things were going well during Simon’s Kindergarten year. I recall her eager focus to take the training wheels of kindergarten off and dive head first into first grade. Afterall, Simon loved learning and questioned so intelligently. By the time summer came, Lindsey had organized and ordered everything she needed. There was a cabinet filled with the great expectation of answering her call as a homeschool teacher. I couldn’t tell who was more excited for school to start Simon or Lindsey. I remember them together cracking open the books to preview what the new school year would bring. Simon died in July and that cabinet, much like Simon’s room, became a ghost town, a memory of things that once were so certain.

 

Renee is entering the first grade in September and we are at a loss of what to do. Does the homeschool life extend to Renee and Victor too? Lindsey anticipates Renee to need more tutoring and “hand holding” than Simon did, praise God.  Renee brings so much to the table and with the right guardrails she will flourish, as of now we are assessing what those are.  One of the harder issues is that she subconsciously demands Lindsey’s attention and will be physically clinging to mom especially when Lindsey is attending to Anna’s needs. Lindsey has helped me see this scene play out, it’s telling me that traditional homeschooling and caregiving have too much conflicting demand for us. The stress and exhaustion are too high on a daily basis. Let’s not forget our amped little Victor who brings another set of needs on top of this.

 

The two clearest paths we see is either to enroll Renee in public school, or make enough lifestyle changes to live off of one income allowing for homeschooling because the charting house would go to a daytime nurse to meet Anna’s needs (which is a provision our insurances would cover). Please pray for the Lord to give us a united conviction about what to do. That He would guide our steps, perhaps we haven’t considered everything.

“We don’t know what to do, but we look to You.” 2 Chronicles 20:12b

 

Embracing Family

When I think of people that usually show up on moving day, I think of family. When I think of those who show up at the hospital, I think of family. When I think of who helps pay for college tuition, I think of family. When I need direction in home improvement or auto needs, I think of my family. When I am short on cash, family. Need a hug, family. Encouragement, family.

 

This past weekend, I got the blessing of visiting the church that I found in the Yellow Pages the week I put my faith in Jesus. The one that gave me my first memory verse, that allowed me on their softball team (big mistake), the church where I once trimmed the bushes in the parking lot, helped in AWANA, served in the youth group. More significantly still, it’s the church where I got discipled. Where I got baptized. Where I got prayed for, married at, and loved on. 

 

One of its living stones got promoted and I was there to celebrate his life with them. It had been close to 6 years since my last fellowship with them. As I observed the aging souls in the room, I was reminded! Reminded of Ken and Kay who made a rail for my condo patio so Simon wouldn’t wander into the busy street we lived by. I saw Kyle who showed up at our address on moving day to help us move, I had never met him before that day. I saw Paul, my co adventurer who I went to Honduras with to build a church, preach in jail, dedicate babies, and baptize new believers with. I saw Harold and Imogene who demonstrated family love to us with a wonderful turkey dinner at their condo in mid-summer. They may hold the record for most greeting cards sent to us after we left. Matt was there, he eagerly discipled me. I’ll never forget when he slapped two books down before me and said “we can go deep with the Cost of Discipleship or we can go light with Wild at Heart.” Pastor Jack was a sight for sore eyes, instantly I was reminded that it was his hands that pulled me out of the waters of the indoor baptistry in his fly-fishing waders on.  I got a tap on the shoulder from Terri who encouraged me, and though I never spent much time with her, she reminded me of her widower father who at the time invited me to his house for a burger just me and him many years ago. Then I was reminded of the many who showed up when I had my first alcohol free party, it was a house warming party. I remembered those who showed up to Simon’s funeral. I remember the minivan that they bought, the master’s degree they helped fund, the wedding they hosted for me.

 

Sorry if I went a bit long, honestly I’m leaving out much, much more. The point I want to illustrate is this: Biblically the church is family. It is a notion I have hesitated to embrace and I want to repent from this attitude. Belonging to a super large church helped me resist the biblical mandate that fellow believers are to be loving and family to each other. The “nature of the beast” of a big church is that you are only as “family” as you want to be.  No doubt many at my big church considered me family, they would say it from the pulpit quite a bit. But did I consider them as part of my family? I want to write carefully here because I know full well that when I was at my most helpless, in the loss of Simon, they were called upon and stepped up as a family does. So much time and love were given to make sure we were not stuck in despair. So many prayers. It’s a time in my life that I am not far away from, and the debt of love I owe is noted! I am eagerly watching to see where this loving fellowship is going because they are looking to highlight this family characteristic this year by promoting small groups to front and center. We are continuing on when we can at our current church (a week from Sunday I should be able to go.) 

 

I share all this because this is where the Lord has parked my thoughts about starting a house church. A holistic, not rushed time with the family. Yes, it is a church often with a meal time, down time and unscripted family time. It's hard to think of family as inclusive rather than exclusive, pray for me. Perhaps that is how family is kept from being an idol, when we see it as inclusive as Jesus' sacrifice for forgiveness on the cross. I am pressing onward in the direction of joining/growing a house church by many affirmations. Firstly, by praying about it. I'm not sure if it's a sign but our family devotion times have been tremendous of late, well attended by the Holy Spirit! Those who know me well like my bride, mentors in the faith, and old seminary buddies all have encouraged me onward. Books like Letters to the Church and Reimagining Church have helped me have biblical convictions to motivate the cost of such a church. I see my Chicago years serving at the inner-city church in a new light as they were holistic to the max. Another notable occurrence is the Enemy attacking my thought life and would like to point out that “I am not a good enough Christian for the high demands of this kind of church. “You don’t want messy.” It has led me to inventory my spiritual gifts and training. It brings a smile to my face to remember that God is faithful in using the least likely. Pray for me, my “to do” list in this regard is to pray, seek humility, revise my understanding of “family” and do discipleship daily.

“Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart.” 1 Peter 1:22

  

The Grief of Anna

I praise God for Lindsey, she is the one with her “ear to the ground” picking up on the emotional need of my kids and leveraging resources accordingly. If you have been alongside us since Simon’s death, you will recall the acute difficulty of helping Renee grieve while we grieved as well. To a fault, I didn’t consider Anna and her sorrow because she cannot speak or write. Her presence throughout these years has been peaceful and gracious. By God’s grace, we have introduced her to her “talker” (the eye-gaze device). And 4 months ago we switched to a certified clinic specializing in this technology. Anna’s growth in letting us know how she feels and how we can better serve her is significant. Allow me to explain her talker a bit more, a two second eye-gaze equals a click of the mouse on a computer, once selected the eye gaze audibly announces her selection to us. Like a computer, you can click on an icon and then sub options appear. About two months ago, Lindsey added an icon that said “I miss Simon.” Anna kept selecting it. So Lindsey decided to make a whole page of sub icons beyond that one: “play one of Simon’s songs.” “I want to see pictures of Simon.” “tell me a memory of Simon.” “I want to go to the cemetery.” She gazes on them to express grief. The page can only be accessed from her home page if she gazes on three different sub icons, it takes a considerable amount of intentionality to get to Simon’s page and to click on those things. Yet Anna navigates to that page all the time. It humbled me and made me feel so oblivious to her sorrow in losing her best friend Simon. Other than mom, nobody spent more time with Simon than Anna.  

 

-Pray for Anna to grow in using her talker. We are switching Anna’s Physical Therapy from home to clinic, at the same place she did Horseback therapy because she used her talker to tell us she missed going there. We want to show Anna that we are listening to her. That is the key, that the listener would believe her. I struggle with this sometimes.

-Pray also for Anna for a high quality, in-home Occupational therapist.

-Also, Anna is currently on her third urinary tract infection, pray for healing so that we would find the cause and relieve her from this, we are not excited to add another daily medication.

-Lastly, please pray for Anna to gain weight. She was in the 12^th percentile two months ago, now she is in the 6^th. With puberty starting in another year or so, we were advised to load her up. It is difficult given her eating routines and the refluxing.

“LORD, be gracious to us! We wait for You. Be our strength every morning and our salvation in time of trouble.” Isaiah 33:2

Thanks for reading and praying,

Nic