Celebrating Faith, Celebrating Simon

 Dear Praying Friends,

 

All praise to Christ the author and finisher of my faith. As time has gone on without Simon, so has the bouts with mourning his loss. Thinking of my son is daily but the grief, shock, and the hole in my life are less sharp. I had a good cry this morning – “Happy birthday Son”. It's become routine that I will think of him and before it unravels into despair or wishing things were different, I surrender to the constructs of my faith. I have learned to rest on these faith pillars:

 

1 Thank God ceaselessly. God is the interventionist Alpha and Omega. He is sovereign. Therefore, I count it no mistake that Simon’s days were all perfectly purposed. God has lifted up my head again and again by graciously accepting my thankfulness for the gift of Simon. For me, finding joy in this trial (as we are urged to do according to the Bible) only came through thanks. I don’t give a stubborn thanks to God either, rather a tenderhearted one. On this side of heaven, without knowing the fullness of “why”, I don’t think God is ever asking me to conclude “thanks for taking Simon from me.” Yet like the waking of the dawn, there is evidence of goodness rising from this loss.

 

Another Divine example of grace is found in the hymn we selected to sing while in Lindsey’s womb. God led us to choose Thanks to God for my Redeemer. At the time we picked it because the doctors were telling us that we may have another special needs kid. So, this hymn gave us the resolve of courage, to praise God regardless of what Simon would be like when he arrived. We sang that song often in utero, at his birth, at some of his birthdays. Unbeknownst to us, God knew how vital and precious this hymn would be in keeping us in His fold amid this valley of death. I sing it every time I visit Simon’s grave. Renee and Victor request “Simon’s song” semi- frequently. If you are not familiar with it, it has three verses, no chorus, the word “thanks” is said 27 times, and the author makes it clear to thank God for both the good and bad in life. Thankfulness is so useful in sorrow; it is spiritual armor for that valley.

 

2 Look for the Good. Like a father who is genuinely proud of the things his son accomplishes in academics, athletics, and in holiness, so I am genuinely proud of the good things that have come from the loss of Simon. They include conversions, new friendships, a bigger heart for the homeless, greater empathy for those who lose loved ones, and countless moments led by the Holy Spirit indicating Christ with us! By faith God is the author of my life; He has given me responsibilities to steward like raising kids, spiritually leading my family, and now to walk worthy of Christ without Simon. Looking for the good in my loss means I am stewarding this trail in hope and faith.

 

The most good losing Simon did for me spiritually is that it challenged me to see the Scriptures as hope for the times to come. I went to seminary to grasp a biblical worldview and to apply Scriptures to my current life, life as I know it. Now however, I found myself digging for future things as told by God’s Word. I’ve found the hope of heaven is not pie in the sky. It challenged me to think if I really do believe all these wonderful promises as actual things to come for those in Christ Jesus. Honestly, there is a choice I made early on when I asked myself, “do I really believe in seeing him again?” I long to, I want to, but that sentimentalism won’t make it happen. What does make reunion possible is that Almighty God assures it in Scripture, and He does not lie.  

 

3 Remember Simon’s contribution to my family. I have often told my kids how God created the world and all things, and He realized it wasn’t complete or good until He created them. Last year, I read most of a book that argues that the best family models in the Bible are found in the Old Testament rather than the New. The author spends time comparing and contrasting a first century family and a modern family. The role of children becomes his greatest contrast. He states that our children have become devalued and have no identity. Like it's up to them to find it, rather than to base their identity on the family context. Feeling depended on is tremendous to a child. So I prayed asking what that means when a child is no longer with us. Does he remain vital to the story of the family and its unity? I have become passionate to know that my son still serves a purpose and plays a role in the lives of our other children. By God’s grace, this shows up every time we dream and wonder what Simon is doing in heaven. His heavenly status brings our minds to visit the goodness of proper reverence and worship and song.

  

I have a personal note about Simon’s continuing role as my son. Simon spent his life often seeking my approval and seeing if I was proud of him. I thank God that I can honestly say that he knew how delighted I was to be his father. What’s interesting is that the bible gives examples of moments when people in heaven receive glimpses into the ongoing affairs of the earth. By faith, I find that the tables have turned; now I am the one hoping that when Simon receives a peek from his heavenly disposition, that he would approve of my life here on earth and be proud of me. Yes I know that theologically that ultimately it doesn’t matter.  However, this change of role compels me to take the high road in trials because I taught him about faith. 

 

4 Keep singing and talking to God.

Thanks for walking with us. 

Nic, Lindsey, Anna, Simon, Renee, and Victor

Wisdom Needed

 Dear Those Who Pray for Us,

As many things compete for our time before the Lord in prayer, I humbly ask to include us. There are a few concerns I bring before you to inquire of the Lord’s help for us. I know that some of you reading don’t believe or pray, but by God’s grace perhaps this bit of honest examination and honest storytelling is the point of view that may help you reconsider who Jesus Christ is and take a closer examination.  

 

God’s Call for Homeschooling or Public School

Having Anna brought surprise after surprise. Lindsey always felt that being a public school teacher was her way to honor God. Surprise! Apparently not, Lindsey humbly accepted becoming Anna’s primary caregiver and became a certified nurse’s assistant. When Anna was 4 we put her in a special public school dedicated to special needs kids all the way until they were 21. Our experience there led Lindsey to pray and ask God if homeschooling was what He wanted for Anna and Simon. She felt God’s direction to keep them both home.

 

About two year later we joined Classical Conversations, a global homeschool curriculum with a co-op, it was just the right added support and things were going well during Simon’s Kindergarten year. I recall her eager focus to take the training wheels of kindergarten off and dive head first into first grade. Afterall, Simon loved learning and questioned so intelligently. By the time summer came, Lindsey had organized and ordered everything she needed. There was a cabinet filled with the great expectation of answering her call as a homeschool teacher. I couldn’t tell who was more excited for school to start Simon or Lindsey. I remember them together cracking open the books to preview what the new school year would bring. Simon died in July and that cabinet, much like Simon’s room, became a ghost town, a memory of things that once were so certain.

 

Renee is entering the first grade in September and we are at a loss of what to do. Does the homeschool life extend to Renee and Victor too? Lindsey anticipates Renee to need more tutoring and “hand holding” than Simon did, praise God.  Renee brings so much to the table and with the right guardrails she will flourish, as of now we are assessing what those are.  One of the harder issues is that she subconsciously demands Lindsey’s attention and will be physically clinging to mom especially when Lindsey is attending to Anna’s needs. Lindsey has helped me see this scene play out, it’s telling me that traditional homeschooling and caregiving have too much conflicting demand for us. The stress and exhaustion are too high on a daily basis. Let’s not forget our amped little Victor who brings another set of needs on top of this.

 

The two clearest paths we see is either to enroll Renee in public school, or make enough lifestyle changes to live off of one income allowing for homeschooling because the charting house would go to a daytime nurse to meet Anna’s needs (which is a provision our insurances would cover). Please pray for the Lord to give us a united conviction about what to do. That He would guide our steps, perhaps we haven’t considered everything.

“We don’t know what to do, but we look to You.” 2 Chronicles 20:12b

 

Embracing Family

When I think of people that usually show up on moving day, I think of family. When I think of those who show up at the hospital, I think of family. When I think of who helps pay for college tuition, I think of family. When I need direction in home improvement or auto needs, I think of my family. When I am short on cash, family. Need a hug, family. Encouragement, family.

 

This past weekend, I got the blessing of visiting the church that I found in the Yellow Pages the week I put my faith in Jesus. The one that gave me my first memory verse, that allowed me on their softball team (big mistake), the church where I once trimmed the bushes in the parking lot, helped in AWANA, served in the youth group. More significantly still, it’s the church where I got discipled. Where I got baptized. Where I got prayed for, married at, and loved on. 

 

One of its living stones got promoted and I was there to celebrate his life with them. It had been close to 6 years since my last fellowship with them. As I observed the aging souls in the room, I was reminded! Reminded of Ken and Kay who made a rail for my condo patio so Simon wouldn’t wander into the busy street we lived by. I saw Kyle who showed up at our address on moving day to help us move, I had never met him before that day. I saw Paul, my co adventurer who I went to Honduras with to build a church, preach in jail, dedicate babies, and baptize new believers with. I saw Harold and Imogene who demonstrated family love to us with a wonderful turkey dinner at their condo in mid-summer. They may hold the record for most greeting cards sent to us after we left. Matt was there, he eagerly discipled me. I’ll never forget when he slapped two books down before me and said “we can go deep with the Cost of Discipleship or we can go light with Wild at Heart.” Pastor Jack was a sight for sore eyes, instantly I was reminded that it was his hands that pulled me out of the waters of the indoor baptistry in his fly-fishing waders on.  I got a tap on the shoulder from Terri who encouraged me, and though I never spent much time with her, she reminded me of her widower father who at the time invited me to his house for a burger just me and him many years ago. Then I was reminded of the many who showed up when I had my first alcohol free party, it was a house warming party. I remembered those who showed up to Simon’s funeral. I remember the minivan that they bought, the master’s degree they helped fund, the wedding they hosted for me.

 

Sorry if I went a bit long, honestly I’m leaving out much, much more. The point I want to illustrate is this: Biblically the church is family. It is a notion I have hesitated to embrace and I want to repent from this attitude. Belonging to a super large church helped me resist the biblical mandate that fellow believers are to be loving and family to each other. The “nature of the beast” of a big church is that you are only as “family” as you want to be.  No doubt many at my big church considered me family, they would say it from the pulpit quite a bit. But did I consider them as part of my family? I want to write carefully here because I know full well that when I was at my most helpless, in the loss of Simon, they were called upon and stepped up as a family does. So much time and love were given to make sure we were not stuck in despair. So many prayers. It’s a time in my life that I am not far away from, and the debt of love I owe is noted! I am eagerly watching to see where this loving fellowship is going because they are looking to highlight this family characteristic this year by promoting small groups to front and center. We are continuing on when we can at our current church (a week from Sunday I should be able to go.) 

 

I share all this because this is where the Lord has parked my thoughts about starting a house church. A holistic, not rushed time with the family. Yes, it is a church often with a meal time, down time and unscripted family time. It's hard to think of family as inclusive rather than exclusive, pray for me. Perhaps that is how family is kept from being an idol, when we see it as inclusive as Jesus' sacrifice for forgiveness on the cross. I am pressing onward in the direction of joining/growing a house church by many affirmations. Firstly, by praying about it. I'm not sure if it's a sign but our family devotion times have been tremendous of late, well attended by the Holy Spirit! Those who know me well like my bride, mentors in the faith, and old seminary buddies all have encouraged me onward. Books like Letters to the Church and Reimagining Church have helped me have biblical convictions to motivate the cost of such a church. I see my Chicago years serving at the inner-city church in a new light as they were holistic to the max. Another notable occurrence is the Enemy attacking my thought life and would like to point out that “I am not a good enough Christian for the high demands of this kind of church. “You don’t want messy.” It has led me to inventory my spiritual gifts and training. It brings a smile to my face to remember that God is faithful in using the least likely. Pray for me, my “to do” list in this regard is to pray, seek humility, revise my understanding of “family” and do discipleship daily.

“Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart.” 1 Peter 1:22

  

The Grief of Anna

I praise God for Lindsey, she is the one with her “ear to the ground” picking up on the emotional need of my kids and leveraging resources accordingly. If you have been alongside us since Simon’s death, you will recall the acute difficulty of helping Renee grieve while we grieved as well. To a fault, I didn’t consider Anna and her sorrow because she cannot speak or write. Her presence throughout these years has been peaceful and gracious. By God’s grace, we have introduced her to her “talker” (the eye-gaze device). And 4 months ago we switched to a certified clinic specializing in this technology. Anna’s growth in letting us know how she feels and how we can better serve her is significant. Allow me to explain her talker a bit more, a two second eye-gaze equals a click of the mouse on a computer, once selected the eye gaze audibly announces her selection to us. Like a computer, you can click on an icon and then sub options appear. About two months ago, Lindsey added an icon that said “I miss Simon.” Anna kept selecting it. So Lindsey decided to make a whole page of sub icons beyond that one: “play one of Simon’s songs.” “I want to see pictures of Simon.” “tell me a memory of Simon.” “I want to go to the cemetery.” She gazes on them to express grief. The page can only be accessed from her home page if she gazes on three different sub icons, it takes a considerable amount of intentionality to get to Simon’s page and to click on those things. Yet Anna navigates to that page all the time. It humbled me and made me feel so oblivious to her sorrow in losing her best friend Simon. Other than mom, nobody spent more time with Simon than Anna.  

 

-Pray for Anna to grow in using her talker. We are switching Anna’s Physical Therapy from home to clinic, at the same place she did Horseback therapy because she used her talker to tell us she missed going there. We want to show Anna that we are listening to her. That is the key, that the listener would believe her. I struggle with this sometimes.

-Pray also for Anna for a high quality, in-home Occupational therapist.

-Also, Anna is currently on her third urinary tract infection, pray for healing so that we would find the cause and relieve her from this, we are not excited to add another daily medication.

-Lastly, please pray for Anna to gain weight. She was in the 12^th percentile two months ago, now she is in the 6^th. With puberty starting in another year or so, we were advised to load her up. It is difficult given her eating routines and the refluxing.

“LORD, be gracious to us! We wait for You. Be our strength every morning and our salvation in time of trouble.” Isaiah 33:2

Thanks for reading and praying,

Nic