A Full Fatherhood

 Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

Father’s Day brought fun and blessings to us. As I live out the remaining few hours of the day, perhaps it’s good for me to inventory my call as a father this past year and reveal my kid’s inner workings. Tonight I’m up at Simon’s Camp solo to reseal the seams of the RV roof tomorrow. The vast expanse of land before me is darkening as I write, the clouds swerve and swirl like a van Gogh painting on a golden-bluish sky. I’m tired but asking for the Spirit to stoke the fire in my soul with words of the Spirit’s insight, Biblical truth and introspection.

 

Simon continues to be a glad and dearly missed part of my life. I lived every Father’s day of my childhood as if it was just another day. After Simon’s death, I considered dismissing the day. But I have a yearning to take my family out for brazen adventures, I live with conviction to keep God in the minds and hearts of my kids daily. It helps that I get these bear hugs and drawings and doughnuts on Father’s Day too. I know God is a joy giver because He gave me kids! I remain compelled to rejoice in being a father rather than be consumed from a lost son. It is my understanding that even if I just had Simon, I would still be a father. Does a father stop being a father when death takes their kid? I don’t think so, firstly because Simon lives. Secondly, being a father holds transformative power causing irreversible empathy and other centeredness. Even if I had no other kids, my life is marked by them, and I am better because of it.

 

Renee, 6, has increasingly filled our calendar as we committed to bring her to Ballet, Soccer, AWANA, as well as a weekly homeschool enrichment day.  She continues to have moments of considerable emotional distress, many connected to Simon but also a few regarding laziness, hungry, and tired situations. We always encourage her to use her words to share her feelings, Lindsey’s patience in these episodes is praise worthy. She persists in concern while I tend to wait until it “blows over”. Or I flippantly say “your feelings aren’t the boss of you Renee.” Her trusted, shredded blankie remains a key help in these situations. Renee and I enjoy neighborhood walks together and making dinner together. She is shyer than Simon was so we are not at a Best Café level of hospitality yet, perhaps someday. This is not to knock Renee, now that she is the age Simon was when he died, it's incredible to consider how smart Simon was and I didn’t think anything of it. He was reading and writing on his own, making music and planning days out. Renee resists long periods of concentrating and Simon was attracted to them. Although you give Renee a detailed craft, or a visual exercise and she will meditate over it and want it to be perfect. Another rite of passage that is occurring is a season of back talking. Teaching respect is a whole other lesson I wasn’t prepared to teach. Pray for us.

 

Victor 3, must be in theater training because at times he will mimic Renee remarkably including back talking. It is apparent because his episodes contain the same words or gestures only about really superficial things like when I turn off the TV or when it's time to brush my teeth. Again, Lindsey considers his feelings and patiently seeks to understand while I may say, “make good choices son, lets go!” And expect him to comply momentarily. Oh to be more like Lindsey! Victor cannot separate the serious from the silly nor hold God to a level of worship or holiness without help. He often jokes about Satan like he is some play figurine and completely fictional. I struggle to know what to say in those moments. We enjoy each other, laugh often

 

I have prayed for my children more this year. I confess sometimes it’s out of fear of what they may turn into based on behaviors I see. I need to lay this down because I’m not in control, nor do I know the future. I aim to be in awe at what God can do with a life surrendered to Him from an early age. Therefore, I have become more intentional to pray for the things that will most edify them in Christ. We sing and worship frequently. They love CD’s of kids singing worship songs. Devotion times as a family have been less intentional than in the past but more organic. At dinner every night we take turns saying our “highs”, “lows” and “thankfuls”.

 

 

 

This year has been the first time I have fathered with persistent physical pain. The constant distraction caused by this has made me rely on my bride and kids far more than years before. It’s a check to my pride and ding on my daddy armor. It is humbling and humiliating to pass up wrestling with the kids, or sitting down for a board game because of pain. I found myself stretching during prayer time with God during my devotions, is this normal? The legalist might even reprimand me. As I have sought the Lord for healing, there has been some progress. He has caused me to dwell on the idea of carrying your cross and how it applies to saying “no” to physical comfort. I try to thank Him sincerely for this pain as well as the great ability I still operate with. It makes me honor my daughter Anna who has bouts with pain and it is always so hard to investigate it.

 

Sweet Anna Pie still dominates our calendar with therapies and doctors. She remains in a season of remarkable health given her medical baggage. The challenges she faces are centered around normal kid stuff, Praise the Lord. She has excessive drooling from her K-9 teeth coming in, puberty is unfolding, and she is becoming too heavy to lift. She hasn’t outgrown enjoying the silly sounds her dad makes, and vestibular input, motion remains king of the things she enjoys. Dance parties with full on wheelchair moves remain as some of her favorite things. Her face will always light up when we start singing and her voice will utter praise sounds as we sing words of praise. We still get frustrated at not knowing what’s going on when she fusses. She remains an absolute joy to be around which makes her daily caregiving needs a blessing to execute. Lindsey continues to pour into Anna on a communication level by utilizing the eye gaze device. Sometimes it's jaw dropping what Anna can express.  

 

I also wanted to mention a quick word about how in this last year I have grown increasingly taken, swept off my feet by my bride. I have become increasingly vocal before the kids especially about how gracious God is to me for having Lindsey to cherish and uplift. I think it’s an understatement when the Bible declares “he that finds a wife finds a good thing.”  What a great thing to endure together the path of life God has asked us to walk. Lord willing, we will celebrate 15 years on July 17^th. Thank you for your many prayers for us, may you be satisfied in how the Lord is continuing to answer them!

 

Praise God for:

-Anna’s weight gain. She is nearing the 50th percentile. This has been such an undertaking by Lindsey for the last year! Anna is blessed by all these efforts.

-My work. Ever since my church service was cancelled, and the uncertainty of where to fellowship was at the forefront of my problems; I let my bosses in on this real frustration that I endured. After a few months of sharing my situation I asked if it was possible to have every Sunday off. After a month of deliberation and consulting with the district level about all of this, they granted my request and threw Monday in the deal too. I consider this such a battle fought by the Lord! Now I live with His favor.

 

Please Pray for:

-the visit to the Gastroenterologist Monday (6-16) to keep us progressing on her nutritional intake and bowel movements.

-A new eye gaze device and a new wheelchair. Both are about $30,000 each. Pray for expedited favor. Remember the last chair took about 8 months in appeals ending in independent mediation to cause the insurance to pay? May the Lord fight this battle for us too.

-Mercy and Healing from God for me. Increasing nutrition and self-control as well as good, consistent habits of exercise. That I would not be disqualified from caring for Anna physically.

-intentionality in parenting. Especially in giving a biblical lens for my kids to see the world through. In grasping informal times to behold spiritual truths and giving prompt worship and adoration of Jesus and His Lordship over us.  

-July 5th. as we remember and commemorate three years since Simon's graduation. We are planning a hymn sing at Simon's camp. Come if you can!