In sharing and carefully writing this I just knew that i had to share it. I hope it speaks to you all.
If thought and action define who receives God's grace and mercy, then I would be without it. If right and wrongs were carefully tallied and rewarded, I’d be the loser. Truthfully, God wants our faith before any action; He wants our devotion before any gift.
My dad died in an avalanche when I was two on Thanksgiving Day. Throughout my childhood I blamed God for this tragedy. My mom raised four boys as an immigrant in the United States. Often when she was absent I turned to stealing, fighting and cursing. I inherited a dose of the Catholic faith attending church every Sunday. In my teen years, while living in a Catholic orphanage France, I found a version of God that would inspire a departure from the person I was becoming.
The Catholic faith introduced me to a life outside of my own selfish determination. Being surrounded by handicapped people in Lourdes for a pilgrimage spoke to my heart. Now I wanted to own my Catholicism, I took pilgrimages around the world, praying the rosary often, and back in America I thought of being a priest and submerging myself completely into Catholicism. In high school I was in a youth group, youth choir and did retreats. God was working in me, but I wanted to know why I believed in Jesus, and where Mary fit into my life. Inheriting a faith life makes grace and mercy difficult to understand especially when they are hinged on sacraments. Anxiety brewed in me about the uncertainty of forgiveness, the authority of the Pope, and the holiness of priests being vessels of salvation by ministering reconciliation and transubstantiation. Add to that an onslaught of negative sermons measuring sins: which is the worst one? I loathed my sins and believed that there was no guarantee for true forgiveness: I felt that with Jesus I'd end up hating myself.
College taught me original thoughts from humans. Philosophy and art was what I loved. The unseen, almighty God need no longer apply. I stopped going to mass. Shortly after my departure I remember wanting to say a prayer but my mind stopped it. Praying was no longer allowed if I want to be my own-self. Why are we all different if we are all to believe in the same single thing?
I felt so unique from everyone else. This brought me to a huge tolerance of music, politics, travel, and film. Freedom felt eminent and my sins felt good. Highly addicting sins like pornography, cigarettes, alcohol, and marijuana defined me daily. I enjoyed giving into my temptations and darkness was a place of self-discovery. I was a creative writer and a humorous thinker. My mind felt free, my artistic output flourished. Out of this passion grew a unique spirituality I called Existential Optimism. Buddhism and freestyle rhyming over hip-hop beats became my forms of worship to this seeming god of circumstance. I was fearless in exploring the dark side of human kind. I was to love myself completely because I loved my sins also.
When my brother/roommate/best friend Olivier became a believer a Christian trench appeared between us overnight. I hated the Christian thoughts in His head. I had be the bigger man and respect his choice or else he wouldn’t listen to my reasoning. But he was out to convert me, I would cry at his accusations of my way of life, I didn’t criticize his. What Self-righteousness he had to do that to me. I felt no wretchedness, no remorse for my sins; his timing hardened my hatrid for Jesus Christ. I started writing stories for college about our arguments mocking his copout move and his abandonment of self-discovery. Bitterly I satirized religion by creating my own called Nowism based on the alienation of the individual and how mere presence in every moment is reason to believe in god.
By now I really didn't think the Devil existed. Surprisingly sober minded one night, I believed that I had enlightenment and could be a reincarnation of Buddha. So one night I tried to reach Nirvana by fulfilling an obstacle course destined by god to prove my worthiness. It involved rearranging all the energies from every object around me to a positive solution. Frantically placing hot pads in freezers, and washing black clothes with white allowed me to create with the creator. I ran through the city of Chicago finishing my divine course by getting naked and running off a pier into lake Michigan. –I put all my faith in that jump to reach Nirvana. The next day I was arrested for being naked on the streets thinking everybody knew who I was and wanted to kill me. When the police asked me my name, I said I didn't have one. They asked me the time, I said that time did not exist.
I spent a month in a mental hospital diagnosed with form Schizophrenia and bi-polar. But the Christians closest to me knew it was a demonic possession. I convulsed as my friends and family prayed over me so that Jesus would reclaim the ownership of mind, body and soul.
A year after hospitalization my sins grew to include gambling, premarital sex, harder drugs and not loving myself. Satan intoxicated my thinking to convince me that I was second coming of Jesus Christ able to grant salvation and enrich the poor. I was instantly eternal and sent to solve the problems of the world and receive millions of dollars at any moment. This blaspheming lead to me tear up a Bible, urinate uncontrollably and return to the mental hospital two more times. After the mental hospital trips, I lived for three years, isolated, self-medicated depression, loathing, angry and lost.
The day I submitted all my trust and faith to Jesus Christ started out like a normal Friday except I watched Tyler Perry's “I Can Do Bad All By Myself.” A play on DVD recommended to me by my brother. One character in the play was so devastated at the evil that was tearing that family apart, she sang and rebuked Satan in the name of Jesus Christ, rattling the magazines, throwing the pillows, repeating "the Devil has no place in this house, go, get out in the name of Jesus." This is a striking scene for me considering my past belief in objects having energy. As I went to work, I turned the corner of my apartment building to see that my car had been stolen. After a cigarette, I returned to the apartment, called work, and dialed the police... As I waited I got down on my knees in my bedroom, closed my eyes and said:
"I forgot how to pray, but dear Jesus I can't do this, this weight is too much. Jesus I remember in the Bible You saying that You lift up burdens and give light ones. Well this is for you to take please, I'm not deserving. Jesus I give you my soul, please forgive me and take all that I am. I have failed on my own."
After, I went to each room in my apartment shook stuff up, and demanded that the Devil and his evil spirits be cast out in the name of Jesus Christ, who is Lord forever and owner of this space. The following days Satan tried to convince my mind that I never gave my life to Jesus, that that moment didn't happen. However, I had no car as the point of assurance. On November 10, 2006 I became a believer in Jesus and a member the Body of Christ.
I found Red Rocks Fellowship in the Yellow pages in time for Thanksgiving Sunday. On May 5, 2007 I gave my testimony in front of the congregation bringing all this to light. I was baptized at Red Rocks Fellowship on August 8, 2007. It was there that I became convinced of the connectedness of Christians to one another in the body of Christ. Praying for people I've never met was humbling and awesome. It was vital in knowing that I am no longer to live for myself.
Christ is the only center in God’s plan. My commitment to follow Christ starts with His indwelling Holy Spirit in my. In asking for mercy I lift my sin up in prayer and insist that Christ has forgiven it no matter my falls. Cravings once thought as insurmountable until death like cigarettes, gambling, and illegal drugs, are sins that were torn from me overnight. Others like drinking and lust require sanctification, prayer, and accountability in order to gain victory. I hate my sin, and all that I did to defy Jesus on my own.
My brain's detective work, my self-discovering, my search for truth was solved the day God accepted my faith in Jesus. My commitment to the Bible consists of an eager willingness to learn and obey its teachings. The Holy Spirit has blessed me to understand the Word like never before. It comes to life before me filling me with deep thoughts and awe and wonder. It is good for my soul to read the Word and not edit it. I’m eager and attentive during sermons –this is God we’re talking about. Not just ideas.
My heart is healing through God’s changes within me. Mega blessings have come my way such as a cheap home, a computer and promotions at work. My super sweet 83’ Celica is a reminder of God’s provision and the day I said yes to Christ’s deliverance from my sin. My continuation of commitment in Christ means that I'm going public professing to all that from now on I'm going to trust and turn to Christ with whatever happens to me.
When I first believed, the dam holding me tearless for years burst open and mercy sprung fourth. Jesus’ love for me was so emotive. I cried out of shame, regret and joy daily. The mockery and slander of Jesus Christ is over. My sin is exhausted. The brain washings by Satan are at the feet of Jesus. Jesus’ blood means that I am dearly loved by the Father. My schizophrenic illnesses are mere embarrassments of lifelessness without Jesus.
Seeing God’s will unfolding has brought tremendous meaning in my life. Giving God the total credit for all my successes is a delight I can live with. I’m filled with wonder about the life God has prepared for me. I’m still amazed that forgiveness is a certainty I can believe in!
This new creation that God has set apart, now prays on his knees. I worship the eternal Father without jealousy or envy like when I was sick. I serve in the high school youth group. I’m fed at my young adult groups. I am a tither, a Compassion kid sponsor. I floss my teeth and like how I look. I’m a leader at work. I stand up for what is right. I read the Bible everyday. I serve as I can and say yes to God’s calling me. Is it seminary? I don’t know. In learning His will I can find that out. I have rebuked poor fellowship. I have failed at evangelism. I have sinned and used the blood of Jesus daily. I still have a long way to go as a Christian worshiper. If I speak out of confidence, know that it is only Jesus who does this. My spiritual identity is in Him. My recommitment to God is constant as He elected me for service a year and 7 months ago.
Seminary shapes diligence in knowing God’s good and pleasing will. In hindsight, I look at what I did with my free will the presence of sin and evil: the Lord can do with me as He likes. My call is to be that recovered vessel that Jesus let live. Christ’s truth mixed with my servant efforts will help actualize increased obedience and joy.
As I read the suggested passages to asses my spiritual gift(s) Ephesians 4:13 caught my eye. If a gift is defined as a work in progress then this will do. Verses 11 and 12 are the first part of a run-on sentence that concludes in 13. Verses 12b into 13 says “so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.”(NIV) If that’s not a gift of the Spirit I don’t know what is.
Since asked about gifts in my possession, this introspection is difficult. I hope I didn’t choose a taboo gift or misunderstand what it means to distinguish between spirits. My past has made me learn (through my most broken spots) about the deception of spirits and how to distinguish them in contrast to the Holy Spirit’s work. Outwardly, I’ve been to evil places, seen energy in inanimate objects, was comforted by idols. Inwardly I have observed in my speech, creativity, action, dreams and thoughts what comes from a self-hoarded spirit, an intrusive evil spirit vs. that which is good, gentle and of God. Christ chose to redeem me. By Jesus I have no fear of these deceiving spirits. They are out cast and not welcome in my life. That is how I am able to distinguish spirits in the context of my life. Within others I’m not so sure.
My truest, simplest gift of the Spirit is teaching. I have compassion by the grace of God to relate to youth. Since the New Year, I have volunteered with the youth. I see them one foot in, and one foot out of a God-willed life and a self-willed life. I am a committed volunteer in student ministry at my church. It feeds me in accountability and challenges me to explain the seriousness of sin and the priceless unmatchable gift of Jesus Christ. I initiate the activities and challenge the prayer life of the group. I have led the middle school group and the young adult group through assigned curriculums a handful of times. I have a one on one discipleship that gives way to spiritual growth and a Christ-like example of love and encouragement. I have not preached to any group. I have shared the Gospel with about thirty of the broken non-Christians in my life. I’ve learned many lessons from this especially about how God is the one doing the turning to Jesus. Truthfully too I’ve been in situations where I felt like hiding the light God has declared me to be. I’m still forgiven, free and dearly loved by God through His Word, His Son and His plans for me.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Sunday, May 4, 2008
The Word Inside Me: Christlikeness
Sundays are my day to rest. Though I’m going places, it is to gain spiritual milk that I need for the week to come and the life ahead. So I don't feel rested, but I'm able to think about the content of what the day held. I had a wake up lecture in Sunday school about proving God exists and the changes that argument has taken through the years. This included learning the Ontological view, the Kalaam view, the anthropological view and one other that started with a "D". Some theories still stand today some sink.
It’s hard for me to explain how obvious God is, when He's obvious to the unbeliever/listener. Its almost as if I need to defend my faith without the use of the Bible in order to be heard. That's why testimonies are relevant and need to be shared. Since God works on the heart level first, I think testimonies need to have that heart and emotional pull. That said I have one month to prepare a even more thorough testimony for Christ love of me.
The sermon at church was on 1Peter 2:2-3. This is about growing up in the goodness of the Lord and knowing that He is good. We are called to grow, like most things in life. The Bible is to 1 hear, 2 obey/do, 3 memorize, 4 meditate and I forget the last one. That is spiritual growth at its center. By this we please God not people. By this God is the first thing added in our lives. Being born again means needing spiritual milk for formation, preservation and salvation. We must seek it out and crave the Bible everyday, with intense desire. Without it, I might gain a spiritual eating disorder as the pastor says. Which I currently have and need prayer for fixing. I could use much more of the Bible in my life. Praise God for placing me around many people who love being in the Word daily and letting me know their findings.
One of the best tools and strong holds in my life last year was my structured Bible study. I'm still in it (huge) but I save all the weeklong assignments for the last day. God works less in it than last year because I put less into it. I know I've been going through a lot these last two months but still I should be going at it with the Bible at my side, notes read and questions answered. Discovering Gods beauty, love, graciousness and kindness are impossible without finding it first in the pages of His Holy Word.
Jesus is the Word. Jesus is inside me. I pray that I sync them up together, right now they’re out of whack.
At my young adult group we talked about Ezekiel focusing on chapter 33. How he was not only answering God's call as it came amid a horrific sin culture. He was also to be the watchman announcing God's sword/wrath. So we discussed the importance of being a watchman to fellow Christians regarding sin in their lives. We are to be a watchman for unbelievers too, convicting and helping them see the wrath that is impending.
The thing that I was stumped by is similar to what someone else said: the watchman pulls the fire alarm and those who hear it, chose to obey the warning, get out and are saved. Others die. But at what time in my faith life am I transitioning from being someone who heard the fire alarm and runs out; to being an actual watchman? The pastor suggested that often times the newest believers are the most effective watchmen.
So yes there was lots and lots of substance to what I heard on Sunday. It can't just leave me... I got a bad/damaged memory so I really need to pay attention to the Word of God in my life, at church events, and around me so it can stay in me. My time at the Judgment Seat hopefully won't only be about Jesus’ death or how spiritual milk went in one ear and out the other thus disappearing from my life. I hope Jesus Christ will remember how He lived in me and I counted on Him as vicar in my life.
It’s hard for me to explain how obvious God is, when He's obvious to the unbeliever/listener. Its almost as if I need to defend my faith without the use of the Bible in order to be heard. That's why testimonies are relevant and need to be shared. Since God works on the heart level first, I think testimonies need to have that heart and emotional pull. That said I have one month to prepare a even more thorough testimony for Christ love of me.
The sermon at church was on 1Peter 2:2-3. This is about growing up in the goodness of the Lord and knowing that He is good. We are called to grow, like most things in life. The Bible is to 1 hear, 2 obey/do, 3 memorize, 4 meditate and I forget the last one. That is spiritual growth at its center. By this we please God not people. By this God is the first thing added in our lives. Being born again means needing spiritual milk for formation, preservation and salvation. We must seek it out and crave the Bible everyday, with intense desire. Without it, I might gain a spiritual eating disorder as the pastor says. Which I currently have and need prayer for fixing. I could use much more of the Bible in my life. Praise God for placing me around many people who love being in the Word daily and letting me know their findings.
One of the best tools and strong holds in my life last year was my structured Bible study. I'm still in it (huge) but I save all the weeklong assignments for the last day. God works less in it than last year because I put less into it. I know I've been going through a lot these last two months but still I should be going at it with the Bible at my side, notes read and questions answered. Discovering Gods beauty, love, graciousness and kindness are impossible without finding it first in the pages of His Holy Word.
Jesus is the Word. Jesus is inside me. I pray that I sync them up together, right now they’re out of whack.
At my young adult group we talked about Ezekiel focusing on chapter 33. How he was not only answering God's call as it came amid a horrific sin culture. He was also to be the watchman announcing God's sword/wrath. So we discussed the importance of being a watchman to fellow Christians regarding sin in their lives. We are to be a watchman for unbelievers too, convicting and helping them see the wrath that is impending.
The thing that I was stumped by is similar to what someone else said: the watchman pulls the fire alarm and those who hear it, chose to obey the warning, get out and are saved. Others die. But at what time in my faith life am I transitioning from being someone who heard the fire alarm and runs out; to being an actual watchman? The pastor suggested that often times the newest believers are the most effective watchmen.
So yes there was lots and lots of substance to what I heard on Sunday. It can't just leave me... I got a bad/damaged memory so I really need to pay attention to the Word of God in my life, at church events, and around me so it can stay in me. My time at the Judgment Seat hopefully won't only be about Jesus’ death or how spiritual milk went in one ear and out the other thus disappearing from my life. I hope Jesus Christ will remember how He lived in me and I counted on Him as vicar in my life.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Mind Chatters. Heart Matters.
I write often of my struggles with sin (shaming Satan), anxiety about my job (exposing me straight-up) or my earnest growth with Jesus (glorifying Him).
I am smart, though not head strong. I had:
A headache from sin,
A forgetfulness by drugs,
A concussion from false Gods,
A brainwashing from Satan,
A laceration of depression.
A hemorrhage of self-discovery.
A breaking of reality.
A head-butt for 28 years of my life.
I submitted myself to all these things willingly, most of them I sought out.
Jesus is faithful, can't lie and is the sacrificial Lamb that pleases/obeys/loves our Father. I don't please/obey the Father because of His standard. Jesus alone pleased and completely obeyed, (I never understood this before being born again). I thought God's will was an all-access any-way, any-time will just because we are people, people! Now I know, through grace and humility that I am to please/obey/love Christ. To turn to Christ (God's cherished light for humanity) and continue to find restoration for that gimpy mind. God's will and His work are prepared thanks to the Holy Spirit -so lets roll up our sleeves and git it done.
Lets depart into light heartedness and joy, whose only source is the Holy Spirit. My mind isn't changing overnight, -Though in one defined moment of time; I did let Jesus Christ into my heart to change it once and for all. Praise his mercy. My mind has a tough time with patience, serving, and confidence.
So by the way... Right after being served my "final warning" paperwork at work, I snatched up a thief today that had concealed $190.00 of CD's and clothing. I didn't badger him. As I wrote my report waiting for the police, I would pause and stare blankly at something and offer up a silent prayer to Jesus about thanks for the provision of the apprehension (which encourages my confidence hugely). And two, that heart of this 26-year-old thief is convicted to looking outside of himself for the truth in Christ. That he might endure enough brokenness to find surrendering to Jesus.
Who knows, I can always pray right? God is so merciful that He meets us where we're at right? I was slam-dunked by sin and wretchedness until the day Jesus offered and asked me to come in. I was glazed over by muck and yuck with black eyes, forget it. I live with wonder and hope now.
I read a passage earlier in the week and again randomly today, I came across it in my "Gideon’s: a random point-n-read worship time" (as I like to call it). That Bible is so small I can't read more than a chapter at a time. I digressed, Its Revelations, in last chapter of the whole Word of God. Verse eleven in the NIV "Let him who does wrong continue to do wrong; let him who is vile continue to be vile; let him who is right continue to do right; and let him who is holy continue to be holy."
So thanks for the prayers and hope. The big picture perspective in Jesus is mine to keep and I forget that often. You remind me of what God sees, and sees in me; not merely what my work thinks of me. I'll keep on being that dearly loved child of God, who I am. Peace.
I am smart, though not head strong. I had:
A headache from sin,
A forgetfulness by drugs,
A concussion from false Gods,
A brainwashing from Satan,
A laceration of depression.
A hemorrhage of self-discovery.
A breaking of reality.
A head-butt for 28 years of my life.
I submitted myself to all these things willingly, most of them I sought out.
Jesus is faithful, can't lie and is the sacrificial Lamb that pleases/obeys/loves our Father. I don't please/obey the Father because of His standard. Jesus alone pleased and completely obeyed, (I never understood this before being born again). I thought God's will was an all-access any-way, any-time will just because we are people, people! Now I know, through grace and humility that I am to please/obey/love Christ. To turn to Christ (God's cherished light for humanity) and continue to find restoration for that gimpy mind. God's will and His work are prepared thanks to the Holy Spirit -so lets roll up our sleeves and git it done.
Lets depart into light heartedness and joy, whose only source is the Holy Spirit. My mind isn't changing overnight, -Though in one defined moment of time; I did let Jesus Christ into my heart to change it once and for all. Praise his mercy. My mind has a tough time with patience, serving, and confidence.
So by the way... Right after being served my "final warning" paperwork at work, I snatched up a thief today that had concealed $190.00 of CD's and clothing. I didn't badger him. As I wrote my report waiting for the police, I would pause and stare blankly at something and offer up a silent prayer to Jesus about thanks for the provision of the apprehension (which encourages my confidence hugely). And two, that heart of this 26-year-old thief is convicted to looking outside of himself for the truth in Christ. That he might endure enough brokenness to find surrendering to Jesus.
Who knows, I can always pray right? God is so merciful that He meets us where we're at right? I was slam-dunked by sin and wretchedness until the day Jesus offered and asked me to come in. I was glazed over by muck and yuck with black eyes, forget it. I live with wonder and hope now.
I read a passage earlier in the week and again randomly today, I came across it in my "Gideon’s: a random point-n-read worship time" (as I like to call it). That Bible is so small I can't read more than a chapter at a time. I digressed, Its Revelations, in last chapter of the whole Word of God. Verse eleven in the NIV "Let him who does wrong continue to do wrong; let him who is vile continue to be vile; let him who is right continue to do right; and let him who is holy continue to be holy."
So thanks for the prayers and hope. The big picture perspective in Jesus is mine to keep and I forget that often. You remind me of what God sees, and sees in me; not merely what my work thinks of me. I'll keep on being that dearly loved child of God, who I am. Peace.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Faithfulness
I'm hanging in there. It’s been heavy this last week dipping into sin as if that solves anything. Today kind of broke the cycle. Weirdest thing happened I was doing this volunteer project that Target sponsored for volunteer week. It was to clean up a park about 30 minutes away our store linked to another store for the activity.
Well I show up and there is no one. I call my HR lady and she's like you "got the right time and place let me call the other store's HR and find out. Maybe they're meeting up at the store first." So I just take a liner from out of a trashcan and start going about cleaning. Bending down for every single piece.
My HR calls me back saying "so sorry Nic they canceled the event because no one signed up."
I was like: "well I already started and I said I'd do it so here goes." She thought that was cool that I did it.
I had the worst hangover I've ever had since I became a believer. (FYI drunkenness is a big fight in my sanctification) So close to and at peace with the Lord I was not. It had rained that morning so the dirty trash was also soggy dirty trash. I dwelled on some praise songs and hymns as I went about.
Bit by bit The Holy Spirit was breaking me down, convicting me of the seriousness of my sin. (Digestive track aside). I was still focused in on the task at hand. It was everywhere that trash. People would see me, I wonder if they though I did something illegal and this was my community service.
I found a flip-flop, a sword from "the greatest show on earth"(AKA the circus), a quarter and soggy candy uneaten. I took a break after an hour and read from 1 Peter this is what stuck out. 1Peter 2:16-17. "Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God. Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers(1), fear God(2), honor the king(3)."
I got to thinking how much God can't stand sin and how magnified my sin of late has been. (I've gone for months without drinking or acting sinfully). There's ample reason to fear God(2) when I know what He thinks of my drunkenness. So I honor the King(3) though in context of the passage it means earthly kings. It is more fitting in the context of God meeting me as I am today, in that moment, that the king to honor is the King of kings: Jesus.
My brother encouraged me to "use His blood." that's why the standard of God is perfection we must rely on the blood of Jesus. Also, I am reminded by his wife that if blame is a bi-product/needed, to never place these struggles on God but rather Satan who deceives and dupes me into thinking there is rest in a frosty pint, shot of peppermint schnapps.
I go back to picking up trash with a deep sense of love. This time from the body of Christ on earth(1): you guys. I've never sent a group e-mail that yielded so many helpful/heartfelt advices. It’s not the attention but how you related to the struggle I’m enduring and how the devotion to Jesus really made all the difference. God is faithful!
I left after an hour and 37 minutes. Went to work and got a gift for my willingness to follow through with of cleaning the park. This entry is not how I did something cool, or that I'm trying to seek payment in full for this liberal form of service to God Matt6:5. Rather how I exercised the freedom that comes from Jesus and found a re-centering peace.
If I am to go to Seminary, how can I live a Godly life by falling into sin? consciously. Oh and the sin of self-blame needs repenting too. I just feel so hurried about speaking the news of goodness from Jesus. That I over look the part of His plan that is uncovered in patience... Steady, peaceful, patience.
Well I show up and there is no one. I call my HR lady and she's like you "got the right time and place let me call the other store's HR and find out. Maybe they're meeting up at the store first." So I just take a liner from out of a trashcan and start going about cleaning. Bending down for every single piece.
My HR calls me back saying "so sorry Nic they canceled the event because no one signed up."
I was like: "well I already started and I said I'd do it so here goes." She thought that was cool that I did it.
I had the worst hangover I've ever had since I became a believer. (FYI drunkenness is a big fight in my sanctification) So close to and at peace with the Lord I was not. It had rained that morning so the dirty trash was also soggy dirty trash. I dwelled on some praise songs and hymns as I went about.
Bit by bit The Holy Spirit was breaking me down, convicting me of the seriousness of my sin. (Digestive track aside). I was still focused in on the task at hand. It was everywhere that trash. People would see me, I wonder if they though I did something illegal and this was my community service.
I found a flip-flop, a sword from "the greatest show on earth"(AKA the circus), a quarter and soggy candy uneaten. I took a break after an hour and read from 1 Peter this is what stuck out. 1Peter 2:16-17. "Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God. Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers(1), fear God(2), honor the king(3)."
I got to thinking how much God can't stand sin and how magnified my sin of late has been. (I've gone for months without drinking or acting sinfully). There's ample reason to fear God(2) when I know what He thinks of my drunkenness. So I honor the King(3) though in context of the passage it means earthly kings. It is more fitting in the context of God meeting me as I am today, in that moment, that the king to honor is the King of kings: Jesus.
My brother encouraged me to "use His blood." that's why the standard of God is perfection we must rely on the blood of Jesus. Also, I am reminded by his wife that if blame is a bi-product/needed, to never place these struggles on God but rather Satan who deceives and dupes me into thinking there is rest in a frosty pint, shot of peppermint schnapps.
I go back to picking up trash with a deep sense of love. This time from the body of Christ on earth(1): you guys. I've never sent a group e-mail that yielded so many helpful/heartfelt advices. It’s not the attention but how you related to the struggle I’m enduring and how the devotion to Jesus really made all the difference. God is faithful!
I left after an hour and 37 minutes. Went to work and got a gift for my willingness to follow through with of cleaning the park. This entry is not how I did something cool, or that I'm trying to seek payment in full for this liberal form of service to God Matt6:5. Rather how I exercised the freedom that comes from Jesus and found a re-centering peace.
If I am to go to Seminary, how can I live a Godly life by falling into sin? consciously. Oh and the sin of self-blame needs repenting too. I just feel so hurried about speaking the news of goodness from Jesus. That I over look the part of His plan that is uncovered in patience... Steady, peaceful, patience.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Where I Am Weak, God Is Strong.
Praise God!! I feel a further distancing of the person I could have been. We fired a security guy who worked under me for theft. What's worse is he would do it for my other co-worker who would provide him with weed in exchange. I don't wish him misery just brokenness. The last retreat I went on the speaker said, "Jesus likes to hang out at the end of our ropes." Maybe this is his although I didn't detect a sense of shame at all just signs of addictions.
A few months ago I spoke to him about my King that I serve and he was whisked away in agreement. I even got him to my young adult group to pray and feel as one in the Spirit. Today I hope his will is seen as poison -a venom that is injected with greed, evil, shame and wretchedness. It seemed more like he was looking to be caught, as he was addicted. He was laughing with the police as he left in cuffs. I have empathy with his station in life and many spoken prayers for him, But I'm betrayed ethically and just plain let down as a boss. I would have been capable of such acts had God not saved me.
Next order of business: my newness in Christ. Amazingly He did make me new, so I went ahead and started down a new career path that I've been praying for. I am sending out applications to attend Seminary or something equivalent to attain sound theology so in turn I can give sound theology in a Nico kind of vessel kinda way. I'm a long way from attending and a long way from completing the applications. One of the requirements for all of the places I've looked at so far is a carefully prepared, lengthy testimony. I'm in the middle of a very creative testimony for my young adult group and now I feel priority to get started on the seminary one. I'll finish the young adult one first though.
So those of you that pray to Jesus, please be so other-centered to include my searching in your prayers. I always pray for roadblocks to appear and fast if this path isn't mine to be taken. So far I've only found encouragement and a path that seems to open up more and more. That being said I'm being interviewed for a job that would give me a schedule that would enable school easily. It’s scheduled for ten on Friday. I'll keep you in the loop.
On a final note: I love the blog comments by those that write them or tell me face to face. It is encouraging, as my lamp just wants to share its shine. Gold is spotting those little moments where I'm conscious that I'm choosing the action, words and behavior of the Holy Spirit over my own. That happened to me today as I drove home after a day of heavily relying on prayer and the certainty of God's protection. Once the trials were over and I'm scooting home... my guard was weakened because I no longer had a mind running wild with "help, save, protect me Lord." I spot the neon liquor sign and consider beer given the exhausting day and challenging bologna I had to deal with. And from a deep feeling of gratitude I said: "No I'm gonna go home to thank and glorify the Lord." It has been a good night and day.
A few months ago I spoke to him about my King that I serve and he was whisked away in agreement. I even got him to my young adult group to pray and feel as one in the Spirit. Today I hope his will is seen as poison -a venom that is injected with greed, evil, shame and wretchedness. It seemed more like he was looking to be caught, as he was addicted. He was laughing with the police as he left in cuffs. I have empathy with his station in life and many spoken prayers for him, But I'm betrayed ethically and just plain let down as a boss. I would have been capable of such acts had God not saved me.
Next order of business: my newness in Christ. Amazingly He did make me new, so I went ahead and started down a new career path that I've been praying for. I am sending out applications to attend Seminary or something equivalent to attain sound theology so in turn I can give sound theology in a Nico kind of vessel kinda way. I'm a long way from attending and a long way from completing the applications. One of the requirements for all of the places I've looked at so far is a carefully prepared, lengthy testimony. I'm in the middle of a very creative testimony for my young adult group and now I feel priority to get started on the seminary one. I'll finish the young adult one first though.
So those of you that pray to Jesus, please be so other-centered to include my searching in your prayers. I always pray for roadblocks to appear and fast if this path isn't mine to be taken. So far I've only found encouragement and a path that seems to open up more and more. That being said I'm being interviewed for a job that would give me a schedule that would enable school easily. It’s scheduled for ten on Friday. I'll keep you in the loop.
On a final note: I love the blog comments by those that write them or tell me face to face. It is encouraging, as my lamp just wants to share its shine. Gold is spotting those little moments where I'm conscious that I'm choosing the action, words and behavior of the Holy Spirit over my own. That happened to me today as I drove home after a day of heavily relying on prayer and the certainty of God's protection. Once the trials were over and I'm scooting home... my guard was weakened because I no longer had a mind running wild with "help, save, protect me Lord." I spot the neon liquor sign and consider beer given the exhausting day and challenging bologna I had to deal with. And from a deep feeling of gratitude I said: "No I'm gonna go home to thank and glorify the Lord." It has been a good night and day.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Poisonous Cavities of Lost Love Filled By Christ's Crown
So being with the High School kids challenged me. Their onslaught of girl scoping and insecurities made me want to force them to stare at Jesus. Yeah just throw them in a full-nelson and pry their eyelids open with a clamshell opener. We were sent on this retreat to seek and trust (especially matters of the heart) to Christ. On this retreat, I gave Him this sin of obsession. Wanting my way to unfold for these kids on a faith level almost as if God wasn’t capable of shaping these youth. I asked that the Holy Spirit might move in the spaces of my mind where those poisonous cavities existed. I prayed for the kids to find the message of Jesus more attractive that the cutie in the winter boots. Then I took a step back and remembered that my youth group in High School often placed me in situations where making out was a more common obsession than wanting Jesus.
All this leads me to the thousand pound white elephant in the room: I still have obsessive behavior about the ideal mate. I have really been defeated in the thoughts of dating/wanting a wife. My sin is raising false hope, dwelling in obsession (not stalking rather wondering). I fail to act because I find flaws, don’t have the nerve, and good old-fashioned timing. Ultimately I’m not letting God’s will do the work. Instead of putting my focus head-locked on Jesus, I’m doing these distracting, half-hearted inquisitions into the hearts of the women in my life.
I want to keep control of whom I like and want to love. Five years ago I asked a father for his daughter's hand in marriage. That’s how I did it in the secular world. My will had to unfold. It didn't and we're apart now. Thanks to God's mercy and grace I’m set apart now. That means that there is an eternal consideration in dating. The dating to get on a base is shame from my past. Honestly there is no hurry when the reality of being a child of God places me in an eternal realm. Its bad enough that the unbelievers in my life ooze this passive aggressive vibe of me being in lack because I’m not spoken for; But then my fellow believers who love the idea of me with a wife lead me to stumble too as I get whisked away again: who should I obsess over now? All the while some of my family is talking amongst themselves: “when is Nic going to get married.” (–Mom don’t worry I know you’re proud of me making it at the single life.)
Placing Christ first, undivided in my life like Paul talks about in Corinthians is my goal right now. Every martyr placed their faith in Jesus ahead of their own life undivided to the death. Given that model, you think I could submit my desire of companionship and give it up to God. In the words of Steven the Levite “Freedom like Apostle Paul. Yo, The single life is off the wall.” As in: off the chain, or off the hook, or simply the best.
As I see the peace that comes from Christ grow inside of me, I pray that in the moments of attraction I will not revert back to mutating into sin of coveting, lusting or immorality. Instead I have the opportunity offered by the Lord to give my burdens up and take the yoke of Christ. Only then will I be leading the high school youth to the living water of Jesus (instead of the full-nelson clam clamps). The Holy Spirit’s transformation of my mind will be exalted, as new thought will erase the old cavities. Once renewed, I want my only obsession to be proclaiming Gods works and great love for us all.
All this leads me to the thousand pound white elephant in the room: I still have obsessive behavior about the ideal mate. I have really been defeated in the thoughts of dating/wanting a wife. My sin is raising false hope, dwelling in obsession (not stalking rather wondering). I fail to act because I find flaws, don’t have the nerve, and good old-fashioned timing. Ultimately I’m not letting God’s will do the work. Instead of putting my focus head-locked on Jesus, I’m doing these distracting, half-hearted inquisitions into the hearts of the women in my life.
I want to keep control of whom I like and want to love. Five years ago I asked a father for his daughter's hand in marriage. That’s how I did it in the secular world. My will had to unfold. It didn't and we're apart now. Thanks to God's mercy and grace I’m set apart now. That means that there is an eternal consideration in dating. The dating to get on a base is shame from my past. Honestly there is no hurry when the reality of being a child of God places me in an eternal realm. Its bad enough that the unbelievers in my life ooze this passive aggressive vibe of me being in lack because I’m not spoken for; But then my fellow believers who love the idea of me with a wife lead me to stumble too as I get whisked away again: who should I obsess over now? All the while some of my family is talking amongst themselves: “when is Nic going to get married.” (–Mom don’t worry I know you’re proud of me making it at the single life.)
Placing Christ first, undivided in my life like Paul talks about in Corinthians is my goal right now. Every martyr placed their faith in Jesus ahead of their own life undivided to the death. Given that model, you think I could submit my desire of companionship and give it up to God. In the words of Steven the Levite “Freedom like Apostle Paul. Yo, The single life is off the wall.” As in: off the chain, or off the hook, or simply the best.
As I see the peace that comes from Christ grow inside of me, I pray that in the moments of attraction I will not revert back to mutating into sin of coveting, lusting or immorality. Instead I have the opportunity offered by the Lord to give my burdens up and take the yoke of Christ. Only then will I be leading the high school youth to the living water of Jesus (instead of the full-nelson clam clamps). The Holy Spirit’s transformation of my mind will be exalted, as new thought will erase the old cavities. Once renewed, I want my only obsession to be proclaiming Gods works and great love for us all.
A Faith Worth More Than Gold But Treated Like Pyrite
So if you think that I’ve got some incredible new stuff to share with you I do. Is it good and will you enjoy it? Well if not at least its true.
The preface: My boss left about a month ago and I’m doing his duties all untrained as well as mine. I find my life in an immense shift and slide mentally. It’s something that I feel is willed by the Lord because I’m finding a clearer sight for my future that might not include retail.
I went on a super sweet retreat this past weekend as a chaperone to the teens at my church. It was in Estes Park at the YMCA. It was so cold that we barely had time to notice we were in nature. There were distractions like an all you can eat buffet for breakfast, lunch and dinner, Apples to Apples, Scrabble, and knock-out basketball.
That was a then -it feel like a very long time ago. Seven days went by in earnest effort to be undivided in my love for Jesus. At church today I was asked to prize my faith, to count it more valuable then anything else. I’ve been thinking about what that means and how my life would be directed if I knowingly placed my faith as the most important thing to guard, share and value.
Honestly though I’ve been divided and I haven’t shared with Jesus all of my life. Nor has my faith been delicately cared for and tended to like some priceless art. I’m withholding, dabbling in distractions and behaving like what’s within is less than pure gold and lots of it.
Omitting humor, I never lie. –That’s a joke. No but I am honest and through time I’ve been able to cast out lies from my phrases. In the last week I can think of two lies that I’ve said, and for no good reason. One was out of pride and another was out of wanting to fit in with the insignificant conversation topic at hand. I need to be hit over the head with a whiffle ball bat. Moreover, I need to seek Jesus in presence and forgiveness.
Another division was spending time drinking alone. When I’m feeling those “I’d rather be somewhere else” or “woe is me I’m a loner.” feelings I’ve bypassed the Lord and look forward to a beer. Instead of taking those moments and saying to Jesus I need an attitude check: “this too shall pass.” I go and spend God’s money (via my job) on some drinks. The next morning: my throats dry, nose stuffy and I need to pee horribly. Gosh I don’t miss that. That is not the way to treat the faith I have in Jesus Christ. It’s my warm gooey center.
What’s worse than the lie I told to God in prayer about being done drinking, is that I prefer to do it alone? I’m a confessed/professing Christian. So my believing and unbelieving friends and family are just going to tar and feather me. At least that’s what the Devil puts in my head. So I do it alone to hide. The one night I choose to defy my candidness, I do it with my brother Joe who I’ve been witnessing to and praying for since I became a believer. I’m sure it wasn’t a big deal to him. He didn’t even mention it. But the character I’ve put fourth as a believer has become hypocritically compromised in his subconscious (maybe?).
Recently, the day after the retreat the Holy Spirit placed on my heart that I needed an accountability partner. Help when the temptation keeps lapping up at my door and I act out in sin. One fundamental difference of me as a believer versus who I was unsaved is temptation. I never struggled with being tempted by lust. It was a part of me I was neither ashamed nor proud. Now it is declared as my enemy and it has become an addiction of behavior. I need the full armor of God. I pray constantly for the renewing of my mind, especially from sex. This last month I’ve put it high on the list of the evil that deceives me. I have someone to call now. I have and I haven’t called him, it’s been a struggle to admit sometimes.
I went for a long period not needing to guard my heart letting whatever gunk in. Now it’s my faith that I guard. There is where the actual Spirit of Jesus Christ lives within me. The rest is peanuts! I learned today that it is my job to rejoice. I have to work at it, claim it, own it and give it. Similarly, my brunch buddy recommended to pray for growth everyday even if it’s a toe’s length a day. I know I’m in a valley, I hate that temptation has turned into sin. I must rejoice through this. Because I will soon get a boss the storm will calm at work. And Jesus is my hiking buddy leading me out of the valley.
Cherish faith.
Sever the sins.
Rejoice light-heartedly.
The preface: My boss left about a month ago and I’m doing his duties all untrained as well as mine. I find my life in an immense shift and slide mentally. It’s something that I feel is willed by the Lord because I’m finding a clearer sight for my future that might not include retail.
I went on a super sweet retreat this past weekend as a chaperone to the teens at my church. It was in Estes Park at the YMCA. It was so cold that we barely had time to notice we were in nature. There were distractions like an all you can eat buffet for breakfast, lunch and dinner, Apples to Apples, Scrabble, and knock-out basketball.
That was a then -it feel like a very long time ago. Seven days went by in earnest effort to be undivided in my love for Jesus. At church today I was asked to prize my faith, to count it more valuable then anything else. I’ve been thinking about what that means and how my life would be directed if I knowingly placed my faith as the most important thing to guard, share and value.
Honestly though I’ve been divided and I haven’t shared with Jesus all of my life. Nor has my faith been delicately cared for and tended to like some priceless art. I’m withholding, dabbling in distractions and behaving like what’s within is less than pure gold and lots of it.
Omitting humor, I never lie. –That’s a joke. No but I am honest and through time I’ve been able to cast out lies from my phrases. In the last week I can think of two lies that I’ve said, and for no good reason. One was out of pride and another was out of wanting to fit in with the insignificant conversation topic at hand. I need to be hit over the head with a whiffle ball bat. Moreover, I need to seek Jesus in presence and forgiveness.
Another division was spending time drinking alone. When I’m feeling those “I’d rather be somewhere else” or “woe is me I’m a loner.” feelings I’ve bypassed the Lord and look forward to a beer. Instead of taking those moments and saying to Jesus I need an attitude check: “this too shall pass.” I go and spend God’s money (via my job) on some drinks. The next morning: my throats dry, nose stuffy and I need to pee horribly. Gosh I don’t miss that. That is not the way to treat the faith I have in Jesus Christ. It’s my warm gooey center.
What’s worse than the lie I told to God in prayer about being done drinking, is that I prefer to do it alone? I’m a confessed/professing Christian. So my believing and unbelieving friends and family are just going to tar and feather me. At least that’s what the Devil puts in my head. So I do it alone to hide. The one night I choose to defy my candidness, I do it with my brother Joe who I’ve been witnessing to and praying for since I became a believer. I’m sure it wasn’t a big deal to him. He didn’t even mention it. But the character I’ve put fourth as a believer has become hypocritically compromised in his subconscious (maybe?).
Recently, the day after the retreat the Holy Spirit placed on my heart that I needed an accountability partner. Help when the temptation keeps lapping up at my door and I act out in sin. One fundamental difference of me as a believer versus who I was unsaved is temptation. I never struggled with being tempted by lust. It was a part of me I was neither ashamed nor proud. Now it is declared as my enemy and it has become an addiction of behavior. I need the full armor of God. I pray constantly for the renewing of my mind, especially from sex. This last month I’ve put it high on the list of the evil that deceives me. I have someone to call now. I have and I haven’t called him, it’s been a struggle to admit sometimes.
I went for a long period not needing to guard my heart letting whatever gunk in. Now it’s my faith that I guard. There is where the actual Spirit of Jesus Christ lives within me. The rest is peanuts! I learned today that it is my job to rejoice. I have to work at it, claim it, own it and give it. Similarly, my brunch buddy recommended to pray for growth everyday even if it’s a toe’s length a day. I know I’m in a valley, I hate that temptation has turned into sin. I must rejoice through this. Because I will soon get a boss the storm will calm at work. And Jesus is my hiking buddy leading me out of the valley.
Cherish faith.
Sever the sins.
Rejoice light-heartedly.
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