The Godhead Breach

 Fellowship made from grief

There is a new album out by Toby Mac and it ministers to me. Not because of the catchy beats, joyful melodies, or "fresh" lyrics; it’s because he sings about abiding in Jesus. Honestly, it’s our commonality that makes me a fan, he’s got a son in heaven. When he sings about having a grief that will be with him till the day he dies and keeping things in the rearview, it preaches to me better than a Sunday sermon.

 

God has allowed me to identify with fathers who suffer similarly and walk in faith. They are responding with hope in God's Word and that is my aim. Here’s my circle co-father's greif, a father younger than I that I still have breakfast with, a pastor on the radio, Toby Mac, Tim Challies, a mentor, a homeless man, a special needs dad, and an elder from my old church. We are all walking wounded, maybe not bleeding anymore but changed. Those events, the loss, do not define us, Jesus Christ defines us. Therefore, my loss is not all consuming. If I didn’t have the Church, I would never have experienced this brotherhood, they are not blaming God, nor mad at Him (or at least they worked through those seasons). Now they are submissive in releasing their loss to the Lord. This unity compels me in worship!

 

 “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

 

Their Jesus factor, the way they have walked longer than me in grief compounds this sense of “if they can do it, then I can do it.” Satan wants to tempt me by comparing the variables of their situation to mine, but I have rejected that and listen to their hearts of hope amid the loss.

 

Love

Now I humbly turn to the cross of Christ to talk about the love that will not let me go. Words are lacking because there is no comparison of the loss of my son to what God the Father grieved on the day Jesus was pierced for my transgressions. It sounds weird to think of God having to “live through” something since He is the author of life and Omnipresent through it all. But He didn’t create death. God did not deserve to ever experience death because He is disqualified, He is sinless. He didn’t invent it. In His justice He allowed it as a curse for sin. Jesus went through it… “He made Him who knew no sin to be sin in our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” 2 Corinthians 5:12

 

 Jesus’ Biological Father “lived through” the loss of His Son… it may have been the quietest day in heaven. Were angels telling Him "sorry for your loss."?

 

From forever God knew it was coming, the one and only time that a relational breach in the Godhead happened was on Good Friday when Jesus chose to take on our sin and die. Being the God-man, Jesus prayed “If there is any other way take this cup (suffering the cross) from me.” Jesus continues “Yet not my will be done.” Jesus’s humanity didn’t want to die, that’s not hard to understand because we don’t want to die. However, God’s prophetic Word still needed fulfilling. Since Genesis 3, He promised an atonement for sin through a new, everlasting covenant. There is no other way to reconcile God’s perfect, good, justice with mankind's rebellion.

 

The Father knew He was going to see His Son die, and He endured Jesus's suffering and death on the cross. The Father relented in preserving His Son's life because Jesus took on the curse and became sin-saturated. The Father cut off the relationship with the Son. Death won on that day, but God was in control. This sacrifice of love was a ransom payment for sinners looking to God for mercy, grace, and repentance from their sin. Forgiveness from God was fully realized, actuated and finished on the cross. What was meant for evil God turned for good. As the Scriptures attest, time went on, death got swallowed up in victory by the resurrection of Jesus Christ. The non-God bi-product, the curse and consequence of sin was consumed by the resurrection. God gave His creation a way back to Him because God loves us. 

 

The triumph that comes with the power of sin being taken away is adoption by faith. God went from having His one and only, pre-existent Son to signing adoption papers for those who trust in His Word. The signed paternal line for all the sons of Abraham, is written in the blood of the Lamb. Jesus is the firstborn from the dead, bringing many sons and daughters to glory.   The love of God the Father cost Him His Son. Jesus the sinless became filled with sin for one day and it killed Him. What a Messiah.  

 

For today’s world maybe death is too visible and the Resurrection of Jesus too invisible? Maybe faith becomes visible when the suffering Christian suffers in such a way that says “God I trust you, because Jesus did when He prayed “thy will be done.” An unbelieving world will never have faith to look at death as temporary unless the blood of Jesus becomes their lens.

 

God suffered the loss of His Son. It makes me move on without my son Simon and eager to look for the good He’s growing from this.

[Chorus]
“I've been through it, yeah
The kinda pain that makes a man just lose it, yeah
A broken that goes way beyond the bruises and the scars
This old world can be so hard
Yeah, I've been through it
But somehow You've been with me through it all”
-Toby Mac

 

Hopefully this wasn't too wordy or circular in thought. I know there may be some imperfect theology here, I welcome correction as we search the Scriptures for ourselves. I tried to write and imagine with a holy fear of God. It blesses me to spend time writing and praying on this. It's like peering into the things of God, it's all about Jesus!

with love, Nic

Remembering How God Brought Life To Anna

Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

Anna’s 11^th birthday was about a month ago. It’s surprising how this day has turned into one of the most joyful days on the calendar because 11 years ago it was the opposite. This is a foreshadowing to remind me that one day my son's Simon’s death day won’t be a day of grief on the calendar because He is hidden in Christ, promised by God to arise one day! This year I wanted to tell the story of Anna a bit more. Back when I prayed my humblest prayers and saw God intervene in His way. 

 

King over the Flood

Anna’s traumatic birth, I know some of you have been with us these 11 years. Do you all remember how inadequate I felt being a first-time father and “surprise” a special needs dad? I will never forget looking at Anna’s motionless ultrasound screen and my bride’s weeping words “it’s not supposed to be this way.” Minutes later we were told that Anna has a better chance outside the womb than inside because they found a faint heartbeat. She was born in complete silence aside from my whispered prayers in my wife’s ear, and the methodically composed surgeon talk. Anna Elizabeth looked motionless and limp. She was given a super low Apgar score of 2 out of 10 because her heartbeat held and could be detected. Do you recall the enormous storm of unfolding diagnoses in the first month? I didn’t speak doctor, so the steep learning curve of medical terms, medicines, tests, and machinery was defeating. We wanted none of it. 

 

God gave me joy amid moments of calling people to tell them Anna was born 6 weeks early clinging onto life. I was a first-time dad and no amount of complication was going to take that away from me. Perhaps it was a shock mechanism, but God used it for good. This inner city hospital was for low-risk deliveries only, there was no neonatal unit. In the Lord’s providence, on a Sunday morning in snowy Chicago there was a neonatologist sent there from Children’s hospital answering a request to check on another baby born in stable condition but needing to be evaluated. She scrubbed in and intubated Anna. We received the best of care for Anna at a place where we should not have gotten it. 

 

I got a chance to see Anna as Lindsey was getting stitched up, she still wasn’t moving but was wired and tubed everywhere. I nestled my pinky into her itty-bitty palm and sang her hymn Wonderful Grace of Jesus. In response she squeezed my finger and opened her eyes for the first time as if to say “I know you!”. As she was taken away, Lindsey got her first look at Anna through a submarine circle on the transporter. I remember her reaching through it and telling Anna how much she loved her and was going to be with her soon.  

 

 

Baby Steps, Moment by Moment

Anna was taken from her mom for 3 days. My bride Lindsey was post cesarean in “stable” condition in a Chicago hospital with full shock and trauma, grasping to comprehend things like me. Baby Anna was taken away clinging to life in critical condition 30 minutes away in an Evanston hospital. “God, who should I stay with?” I remember asking. My mind kept on trying to figure out what I should do as I cried out to God. My mind said “Anna”, my heart said “Lindsey”. It was the Lord who reassured by thinking upon His Omnipresence, “God’s at both places, He will be where I cannot be.” This thought helped take baby step #1, it helped me stop trying to control things, but to trust things. I held Lindsey’s hand as her whole body trembled for hours, I answered several calls from doctors asking for permission to do things to Anna of which they attempted to explain only moments before. Our church served as a taxi service for me, I visited Anna only after Lindsey’s blessing and once she had company in my absence. By God’s grace, I was keenly aware that no matter how unnatural, difficult and heartbreaking this was for me; this experience was exponentially more difficult for my bride.

 

Weeks went by praying for Anna’s blood pressure, for swallowing, and praising God for her soft fontanelle that allowed us to put off brain surgery long enough for her to gain weight.  In truth the NICU was one step forward, two steps back for a long time. We continued to experience a downward spiral of “no” answers to the prayers we were requesting. Because of who God is, the agenda of miraculous healing was on my mind but God had another path for us to walk and abide on. I negotiated my prayer, “No brain damage God.” Then the MRI showed extensive brain damage. “Clear her ventricles Lord so the blood clots filter out.” That didn’t happen.  “Ok, well prevent the PVL from spreading in the white matter of her brain” New images showed several holes in her white matter still expanding. I further wanted to stop things: “God you made the brain with the ability to drain cerebrospinal fluid naturally, do it please.” God said no. I remember meditating on the term “have pity” and “begging” God for mercy. I remember asking “no more diagnosis of disability” because a couple of weeks went by; In the following years came Hypsarrhythmia, Epilepsy, and Polymicrogyria. 

 

My insistence on figuring out “how God is going to help” came to a head regarding Anna’s Hydrocephalus diagnosis. According to the doctors, Anna needed a shunt installed. This was where my pleading for mercy and the supernatural healing gave way to complete surrender to God. In the dead of winter, I went on a frosty, riverside walk in the snow. Just me and the Lord. I wrestled with God about the shunt surgery, a brain surgery at 6 weeks old. It’s a procedure that comes with a 70% infection rate and 90% chance of needing revisions (more brain surgeries) within the first year. I really did not want this. The miracle didn’t come with supernatural healing, it came from within my faith, on that walk, where I let Him know how scared I was. I laid down my prayer agenda for what He wanted to do. I waited quietly wanting to learn, surrendering the last bit of tug-of-war rope to Jesus. 

 

On that walk the Lord didn’t scold me, or assert “I got this.” But he did take me in my mind’s eye to a memory I made when I was 16 on a trash dump in Manila, Philippines. I remembered kids rummaging through the Smokey Mountain trash dump and those that joined us for church that day. The horrible smell, I remember asking God that day “help me never forget this.” Just like that, on my snowy walk in Evanston, the fear of the shunt surgery was superimposed with my memory of the poor in the Philippines and this thought came: try and see the shunt surgery as a provision not a Goliath because if Anna was born in a third world country, she would not have this option and would die. 

 

Jesus gave me a peace that surpassed all understanding just in time for my daughter’s brain surgery. Sure, I still was shaking and counted on prayer warriors, brothers and sisters in Christ in the waiting room with us. God brought life! No infection or revision! Perhaps it’s a mental miracle that was granted to me, what grace that no complications arose. 

 

In looking back on the 7 weeks in the hospital, those early prayers back when it was life or death for Anna. I requested prayers for “best case” outcome every time. It was humiliating to receive so many “no” answers in prayer. I spent so much time wanting to control the situation through prayer and writing because I was helpless as a father, unable to even hold Anna. But I had to do something. I based most of my prayer “agenda” on what the medical team was telling us. So much trauma, sadness, and disbelief informed my thinking back then. On occasion, God’s character made me dream and ask prayer for big things. It was such an impossible situation to endure and it seemed to keep going on and on. God carried us. Fernando Ortega’s Hymns of Worship CD ministered repeatedly to me like a gold mine to keep my thoughts fixed on Jesus.  This verse spoke hope to me daily and we posted it above Anna’s NICU bed. “He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.” Isaiah 40:11. Anna’s bed had several verses over her by the time we left. 

 

I never cried so hard and for so long in my entire life. I remember typing these updates in the carpeted hallways surrounding the waiting room to the Evanston North Shore NICU. In a ball on the floor with my tablet weeping, writing, polishing determined words of hoping in Jesus. The Lord met me as I conveyed each day’s events with a tender heart hoping that my faith would be an example to others for their trials, not just a dad begging for prayer.  I remember this theme so distinctly, “Lord if this isn’t a mistake to You, equip me!” 

 

The church gave us a collective hope and mercy for Anna’s life back when things were life or death. What support we received, in love, in prayer, meals and finance. Within the first few months Anna was a literal million-dollar baby. Now my baby steps of faith have become strides that God’s glory purposes as He gives Himself glory through Anna’s continued life. To this day, I am reminded by God’s Word that the grand miracle of total healing is assured in the Lord's blessed time and hands.  

 

Praise God for:

-the people that check in with me and want to catch up to this day. 

-Direction regarding Renee’s education. We have shaped a path to allow for continued homeschooling. Thank you for your encouragement.

-Direction received about a house church in light of not being able to attend our church weekly. Currently we go to our home church when we can. I have learned and read much about house or organic churches. We hope to start a small group centered around prayer and singing for the weekends I work with a communion meal. 

-Anna’s “eye-gaze” talker. We continue to have moments where she is clearly communicating through the device as well as moments that make us scratch our heads. Lindsey has now programmed well over a hundred pages for Anna to navigate with about 8 icons on each page that speak for her. Pray for continued wisdom for programming Anna's eye gaze. To expand Anna's vocabulary. She can now choose the colors of her outfits that she wants to wear, and how to do her hair. 

-We have Anna doing horseback therapy again every week. They even allow sibling rides for Renee and Victor, they get a slice of the farm life every Thursday afternoon. 

 

 

Please Pray for:

 

-weight gain, a feeding strategy. After years of complex prayers regarding her conditions. Of late, its simply eating and bowel movements that have become the most needed prayer requests. Anna has gained 7 pounds since December. We need to get her closer to 75 pounds (another 7 pounds) by mid-summer. The problem is we are at maximum intestinal feeding capabilities. Her intestines don’t flex like the stomach does, Anna’s stomach isn’t used to being stretched without food making its way up her esophagus as reflux and possible aspiration. Pray for healing and the ability to take food into her stomach more. For these home blended feeds that we give into her stomach, that they would stay down as her stomach expands. I’m ready to crush up Cheetos and mix it in some Dr. Pepper. Lindsey promised me that is not the way to see Anna gain weight. Alas. 

 

-a healing, or a resolution to Anna’s Urinary Track Infection (UTI). We are on her 6^th UTI this winter. We have been doing homeopathic daily supplements in between doses of antibiotics. It seems like we are coming to a gun fight with a knife. Anna’s Urologist has ordered a day long test up at Aurora Children’s to measure the draining of her blatter. He has introduced to us the idea that Anna might need a full-time catheter or "straight cathing". Now that is something I would not want as her caretaker. 

 

-Regular bowel movements. Cerebral Palsy scrambles the neurological messages from the brain to the muscles which is apparent in her legs and arms. This hyper or hypo tone extends to all her muscles (remember the eye surgery to fix the teeny muscles pulling her eyeballs in different directions). The muscles in her digestive track complicate her ability to push out a stool. Please pray for wisdom to know if a surgical procedure is needed to help make stools more regular.  

 

-the right day nurse 2-3 days a week for Anna. Our current agency doesn’t seem to be able to provide that so we are starting the process with other companies. 

 

I’m thankful for the mercy of fellow believers walking with us in selfless intercession for years.

 

Celebrating Faith, Celebrating Simon

 Dear Praying Friends,

 

All praise to Christ the author and finisher of my faith. As time has gone on without Simon, so has the bouts with mourning his loss. Thinking of my son is daily but the grief, shock, and the hole in my life are less sharp. I had a good cry this morning – “Happy birthday Son”. It's become routine that I will think of him and before it unravels into despair or wishing things were different, I surrender to the constructs of my faith. I have learned to rest on these faith pillars:

 

1 Thank God ceaselessly. God is the interventionist Alpha and Omega. He is sovereign. Therefore, I count it no mistake that Simon’s days were all perfectly purposed. God has lifted up my head again and again by graciously accepting my thankfulness for the gift of Simon. For me, finding joy in this trial (as we are urged to do according to the Bible) only came through thanks. I don’t give a stubborn thanks to God either, rather a tenderhearted one. On this side of heaven, without knowing the fullness of “why”, I don’t think God is ever asking me to conclude “thanks for taking Simon from me.” Yet like the waking of the dawn, there is evidence of goodness rising from this loss.

 

Another Divine example of grace is found in the hymn we selected to sing while in Lindsey’s womb. God led us to choose Thanks to God for my Redeemer. At the time we picked it because the doctors were telling us that we may have another special needs kid. So, this hymn gave us the resolve of courage, to praise God regardless of what Simon would be like when he arrived. We sang that song often in utero, at his birth, at some of his birthdays. Unbeknownst to us, God knew how vital and precious this hymn would be in keeping us in His fold amid this valley of death. I sing it every time I visit Simon’s grave. Renee and Victor request “Simon’s song” semi- frequently. If you are not familiar with it, it has three verses, no chorus, the word “thanks” is said 27 times, and the author makes it clear to thank God for both the good and bad in life. Thankfulness is so useful in sorrow; it is spiritual armor for that valley.

 

2 Look for the Good. Like a father who is genuinely proud of the things his son accomplishes in academics, athletics, and in holiness, so I am genuinely proud of the good things that have come from the loss of Simon. They include conversions, new friendships, a bigger heart for the homeless, greater empathy for those who lose loved ones, and countless moments led by the Holy Spirit indicating Christ with us! By faith God is the author of my life; He has given me responsibilities to steward like raising kids, spiritually leading my family, and now to walk worthy of Christ without Simon. Looking for the good in my loss means I am stewarding this trail in hope and faith.

 

The most good losing Simon did for me spiritually is that it challenged me to see the Scriptures as hope for the times to come. I went to seminary to grasp a biblical worldview and to apply Scriptures to my current life, life as I know it. Now however, I found myself digging for future things as told by God’s Word. I’ve found the hope of heaven is not pie in the sky. It challenged me to think if I really do believe all these wonderful promises as actual things to come for those in Christ Jesus. Honestly, there is a choice I made early on when I asked myself, “do I really believe in seeing him again?” I long to, I want to, but that sentimentalism won’t make it happen. What does make reunion possible is that Almighty God assures it in Scripture, and He does not lie.  

 

3 Remember Simon’s contribution to my family. I have often told my kids how God created the world and all things, and He realized it wasn’t complete or good until He created them. Last year, I read most of a book that argues that the best family models in the Bible are found in the Old Testament rather than the New. The author spends time comparing and contrasting a first century family and a modern family. The role of children becomes his greatest contrast. He states that our children have become devalued and have no identity. Like it's up to them to find it, rather than to base their identity on the family context. Feeling depended on is tremendous to a child. So I prayed asking what that means when a child is no longer with us. Does he remain vital to the story of the family and its unity? I have become passionate to know that my son still serves a purpose and plays a role in the lives of our other children. By God’s grace, this shows up every time we dream and wonder what Simon is doing in heaven. His heavenly status brings our minds to visit the goodness of proper reverence and worship and song.

  

I have a personal note about Simon’s continuing role as my son. Simon spent his life often seeking my approval and seeing if I was proud of him. I thank God that I can honestly say that he knew how delighted I was to be his father. What’s interesting is that the bible gives examples of moments when people in heaven receive glimpses into the ongoing affairs of the earth. By faith, I find that the tables have turned; now I am the one hoping that when Simon receives a peek from his heavenly disposition, that he would approve of my life here on earth and be proud of me. Yes I know that theologically that ultimately it doesn’t matter.  However, this change of role compels me to take the high road in trials because I taught him about faith. 

 

4 Keep singing and talking to God.

Thanks for walking with us. 

Nic, Lindsey, Anna, Simon, Renee, and Victor

Wisdom Needed

 Dear Those Who Pray for Us,

As many things compete for our time before the Lord in prayer, I humbly ask to include us. There are a few concerns I bring before you to inquire of the Lord’s help for us. I know that some of you reading don’t believe or pray, but by God’s grace perhaps this bit of honest examination and honest storytelling is the point of view that may help you reconsider who Jesus Christ is and take a closer examination.  

 

God’s Call for Homeschooling or Public School

Having Anna brought surprise after surprise. Lindsey always felt that being a public school teacher was her way to honor God. Surprise! Apparently not, Lindsey humbly accepted becoming Anna’s primary caregiver and became a certified nurse’s assistant. When Anna was 4 we put her in a special public school dedicated to special needs kids all the way until they were 21. Our experience there led Lindsey to pray and ask God if homeschooling was what He wanted for Anna and Simon. She felt God’s direction to keep them both home.

 

About two year later we joined Classical Conversations, a global homeschool curriculum with a co-op, it was just the right added support and things were going well during Simon’s Kindergarten year. I recall her eager focus to take the training wheels of kindergarten off and dive head first into first grade. Afterall, Simon loved learning and questioned so intelligently. By the time summer came, Lindsey had organized and ordered everything she needed. There was a cabinet filled with the great expectation of answering her call as a homeschool teacher. I couldn’t tell who was more excited for school to start Simon or Lindsey. I remember them together cracking open the books to preview what the new school year would bring. Simon died in July and that cabinet, much like Simon’s room, became a ghost town, a memory of things that once were so certain.

 

Renee is entering the first grade in September and we are at a loss of what to do. Does the homeschool life extend to Renee and Victor too? Lindsey anticipates Renee to need more tutoring and “hand holding” than Simon did, praise God.  Renee brings so much to the table and with the right guardrails she will flourish, as of now we are assessing what those are.  One of the harder issues is that she subconsciously demands Lindsey’s attention and will be physically clinging to mom especially when Lindsey is attending to Anna’s needs. Lindsey has helped me see this scene play out, it’s telling me that traditional homeschooling and caregiving have too much conflicting demand for us. The stress and exhaustion are too high on a daily basis. Let’s not forget our amped little Victor who brings another set of needs on top of this.

 

The two clearest paths we see is either to enroll Renee in public school, or make enough lifestyle changes to live off of one income allowing for homeschooling because the charting house would go to a daytime nurse to meet Anna’s needs (which is a provision our insurances would cover). Please pray for the Lord to give us a united conviction about what to do. That He would guide our steps, perhaps we haven’t considered everything.

“We don’t know what to do, but we look to You.” 2 Chronicles 20:12b

 

Embracing Family

When I think of people that usually show up on moving day, I think of family. When I think of those who show up at the hospital, I think of family. When I think of who helps pay for college tuition, I think of family. When I need direction in home improvement or auto needs, I think of my family. When I am short on cash, family. Need a hug, family. Encouragement, family.

 

This past weekend, I got the blessing of visiting the church that I found in the Yellow Pages the week I put my faith in Jesus. The one that gave me my first memory verse, that allowed me on their softball team (big mistake), the church where I once trimmed the bushes in the parking lot, helped in AWANA, served in the youth group. More significantly still, it’s the church where I got discipled. Where I got baptized. Where I got prayed for, married at, and loved on. 

 

One of its living stones got promoted and I was there to celebrate his life with them. It had been close to 6 years since my last fellowship with them. As I observed the aging souls in the room, I was reminded! Reminded of Ken and Kay who made a rail for my condo patio so Simon wouldn’t wander into the busy street we lived by. I saw Kyle who showed up at our address on moving day to help us move, I had never met him before that day. I saw Paul, my co adventurer who I went to Honduras with to build a church, preach in jail, dedicate babies, and baptize new believers with. I saw Harold and Imogene who demonstrated family love to us with a wonderful turkey dinner at their condo in mid-summer. They may hold the record for most greeting cards sent to us after we left. Matt was there, he eagerly discipled me. I’ll never forget when he slapped two books down before me and said “we can go deep with the Cost of Discipleship or we can go light with Wild at Heart.” Pastor Jack was a sight for sore eyes, instantly I was reminded that it was his hands that pulled me out of the waters of the indoor baptistry in his fly-fishing waders on.  I got a tap on the shoulder from Terri who encouraged me, and though I never spent much time with her, she reminded me of her widower father who at the time invited me to his house for a burger just me and him many years ago. Then I was reminded of the many who showed up when I had my first alcohol free party, it was a house warming party. I remembered those who showed up to Simon’s funeral. I remember the minivan that they bought, the master’s degree they helped fund, the wedding they hosted for me.

 

Sorry if I went a bit long, honestly I’m leaving out much, much more. The point I want to illustrate is this: Biblically the church is family. It is a notion I have hesitated to embrace and I want to repent from this attitude. Belonging to a super large church helped me resist the biblical mandate that fellow believers are to be loving and family to each other. The “nature of the beast” of a big church is that you are only as “family” as you want to be.  No doubt many at my big church considered me family, they would say it from the pulpit quite a bit. But did I consider them as part of my family? I want to write carefully here because I know full well that when I was at my most helpless, in the loss of Simon, they were called upon and stepped up as a family does. So much time and love were given to make sure we were not stuck in despair. So many prayers. It’s a time in my life that I am not far away from, and the debt of love I owe is noted! I am eagerly watching to see where this loving fellowship is going because they are looking to highlight this family characteristic this year by promoting small groups to front and center. We are continuing on when we can at our current church (a week from Sunday I should be able to go.) 

 

I share all this because this is where the Lord has parked my thoughts about starting a house church. A holistic, not rushed time with the family. Yes, it is a church often with a meal time, down time and unscripted family time. It's hard to think of family as inclusive rather than exclusive, pray for me. Perhaps that is how family is kept from being an idol, when we see it as inclusive as Jesus' sacrifice for forgiveness on the cross. I am pressing onward in the direction of joining/growing a house church by many affirmations. Firstly, by praying about it. I'm not sure if it's a sign but our family devotion times have been tremendous of late, well attended by the Holy Spirit! Those who know me well like my bride, mentors in the faith, and old seminary buddies all have encouraged me onward. Books like Letters to the Church and Reimagining Church have helped me have biblical convictions to motivate the cost of such a church. I see my Chicago years serving at the inner-city church in a new light as they were holistic to the max. Another notable occurrence is the Enemy attacking my thought life and would like to point out that “I am not a good enough Christian for the high demands of this kind of church. “You don’t want messy.” It has led me to inventory my spiritual gifts and training. It brings a smile to my face to remember that God is faithful in using the least likely. Pray for me, my “to do” list in this regard is to pray, seek humility, revise my understanding of “family” and do discipleship daily.

“Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart.” 1 Peter 1:22

  

The Grief of Anna

I praise God for Lindsey, she is the one with her “ear to the ground” picking up on the emotional need of my kids and leveraging resources accordingly. If you have been alongside us since Simon’s death, you will recall the acute difficulty of helping Renee grieve while we grieved as well. To a fault, I didn’t consider Anna and her sorrow because she cannot speak or write. Her presence throughout these years has been peaceful and gracious. By God’s grace, we have introduced her to her “talker” (the eye-gaze device). And 4 months ago we switched to a certified clinic specializing in this technology. Anna’s growth in letting us know how she feels and how we can better serve her is significant. Allow me to explain her talker a bit more, a two second eye-gaze equals a click of the mouse on a computer, once selected the eye gaze audibly announces her selection to us. Like a computer, you can click on an icon and then sub options appear. About two months ago, Lindsey added an icon that said “I miss Simon.” Anna kept selecting it. So Lindsey decided to make a whole page of sub icons beyond that one: “play one of Simon’s songs.” “I want to see pictures of Simon.” “tell me a memory of Simon.” “I want to go to the cemetery.” She gazes on them to express grief. The page can only be accessed from her home page if she gazes on three different sub icons, it takes a considerable amount of intentionality to get to Simon’s page and to click on those things. Yet Anna navigates to that page all the time. It humbled me and made me feel so oblivious to her sorrow in losing her best friend Simon. Other than mom, nobody spent more time with Simon than Anna.  

 

-Pray for Anna to grow in using her talker. We are switching Anna’s Physical Therapy from home to clinic, at the same place she did Horseback therapy because she used her talker to tell us she missed going there. We want to show Anna that we are listening to her. That is the key, that the listener would believe her. I struggle with this sometimes.

-Pray also for Anna for a high quality, in-home Occupational therapist.

-Also, Anna is currently on her third urinary tract infection, pray for healing so that we would find the cause and relieve her from this, we are not excited to add another daily medication.

-Lastly, please pray for Anna to gain weight. She was in the 12^th percentile two months ago, now she is in the 6^th. With puberty starting in another year or so, we were advised to load her up. It is difficult given her eating routines and the refluxing.

“LORD, be gracious to us! We wait for You. Be our strength every morning and our salvation in time of trouble.” Isaiah 33:2

Thanks for reading and praying,

Nic

The Many Things at Christmas

 

Dear Prayer Warrior,

Joyeux Noel! Praise God for the refocusing on the Messiah that Christmas brings. Dress code at work has permitted much self-expression, affirming that I have been wearing my nativity shirt to work because we ran out of nativity sets November week 2. You may not find Jesus on our shelves but you will find Him on my chest.

Renee has taken her crafting to the next level in decorating our home. Move over Buddy the Elf, Renee is gunning for best in decor. I suggested to Renee that she come up to Denver on my most recent visit to see Grandma French (my mom) and to decorate her “apartment”. Renee was excited to do so. She packed three bags full of stuff to do up there, she planned the entire afternoon with grandma. We made a wonderful chain link garland, computer paper snowflakes, and a gingerbread house. Renee did not hesitate to tell us if we were doing the crafts not to her liking. Lola (who is like a second mom to me, when my father died she moved in to help raise us for many years until she married) joined us. It was an afternoon I didn’t want to see come to an end.  On the way home I told Renee that it was her planning and preparing that made for such a wonderful Christmas time with Grandma. It was a wonderful time of bonding with Grandma.

Amid Victor’s tears and screams regarding brushing his teeth, I looked at him puzzled and calmly asked for his eyes. I said “Victor why do you fuss over things that we do everyday? You know we need to do it, why?” Amid his teary eyes he said, “because I’m learning.”  That was such an encouragement to me because I was starting to think we were just kicking a dead horse. Recently, Victor has upped his game when it comes to hitting, throwing, mess-making, and screaming. It has been hard to show him the boundaries repeatedly. May the Lord draw from this a child with a propensity to obey His commands one day. Praise God for the gift of children.   

 

Praise God for:

-faithful, faith-filled friends that share meals and their lives with us. Their walk with God is shared with us, they make time for us, therefore we are greatly encouraged onward in Christ because of this.

-A child’s eagerness for Christmas.

-a Christ honoring song. Since November 1^st it has been one Christmas song after another at work. There are no songs about Jesus being played. As I toiled at Target last weekend amid the stress and hurry of retail work, sometime in the middle of the afternoon, I heard a song playing on the overhead singing throughout the whole store “Glory to God, for His Son the Savior of the world, Hallelujah, hallelujah” It was a slow thought-provoking song, I had never heard it before. I stopped what I was doing and asked the others if they are hearing this. I prayed that all the ears in the store would hear and reflect on the best gift of Christmas. There hasn’t been another Christ honoring song since.  I have heard “the Cowboy Christmas Ball” and “Last Christmas” a nauseating amount.  

Please Pray for:

-Anna’s health. She is enduring her second Urinary Tract Infection of the winter. Pray that the infection is cast out and that we can get ahead of the ball again on preventative care for those UTI’s.

-Anna’s care. We are trying new companies for therapy (occupational therapy and speech) and for her durable medical equipment (stander, chair, transfer lift). There are many meetings, many options, and all of which has to funnel through our two insurances. May God sovereignly drive us to the right people and things to increase Anna’s ability to communicate and strengthen.

-Grace in grief. I’d be surprised if there is a day that goes by that I don’t think of Simon. With Christmas coming, its tempting to gloss over our loss or deny the longing for his company and cover it up in busyness. Instead, we are making time for recollecting, sharing with one another his current heavenly disposition with wonder and awe. Always thanking Jesus for the loan of love He gave us in Simon.

-A new fellowship. Amid ongoing changes at my church in leadership, ministry, and order of service, last week they added discontinuing Saturday night services to the changes. I work Sundays and find it spiritually negligent to stay there and “go when I can.” We weren’t planning on going anywhere, we developed so many fruitful bonds there amid our brothers and sisters. This church brought us to the Lord, counseled me, loved us, and pleaded for us during our loss of Simon.  There are certain children’s ministry leaders who deposited eternal encouragement that took root in Simon enabling him to be ready upon his “untimely” death.  After praying, talking, overthinking, google searching, and hoping in the Lord, Lindsey and I have decided to ask God if growing a house church on Saturday nights is what pleases Him the most.  There are other churches around that provide a Saturday night service however they are far enough away that any ministry outside of going to service would be difficult to attend. Starting over at a church with Anna is difficult. Amid the flurry of church scrolling, I found myself consumeristic in thought as I evaluated them. That bugs me greatly. As we transition away, we depend on prayer for wisdom, leading, and continued fellowship.

-Me to grow deeper in devotion, humility, deeper in faith, to consider the higher call of spiritual shepherding beyond my family. That God would show me the cost and the greater accountability. I have set up a coffee meeting with a guy experienced with house churches to check if our hearts are in the right place.  I plan on looking into Francis Chan’s big push for house churches about 10 years ago through the We Are Church holistic ministry model. Thanks for your prayers.  

Merry Christmas, may the grace of God overflow your cup in this season. 

Nic, Lindsey, Anna, Simon, Renee, and Victor

Halloween and the Concealing of the Spirit World

 

I work with 20 somethings that have a propensity of knowing what they like. My coworkers seem increasingly enthusiastic about Halloween year after year. Many state it’s their favorite holiday. One even said “I like Christmas more but the ambiance of Halloween is better.” As demonic end caps showcasing death, the occult, and the macabre go up in the store, so does my praying. This is the first year I can recall that Target is selling Ouija boards. Perhaps if my life didn’t go through a season of being demonically possessed, I too would be wrapped in a Care Bear onesie going down the street collecting free candy as I did before I knew better. Now I know the darkness Satan and his cronies intentionally bring on this day.

 

 Thankfully this holiday has become a goldmine to engage in spiritual conversation with unbelievers at my work. They cannot contain their plans out of excitement so I always overhear. When people find out that I don’t celebrate it and I have young kids there is something inside of them that cries “foul.” Like they feel bad that my kids are born into my family for Halloween’s sake.  I know some Christian families that give me the eye-roll as if to say, “come on really?” The question I usually ask when a strong reaction is given to my abstaining is this: “What are we celebrating?” When asked, there is almost always a pause. Most of my coworkers will say that it’s a day for kids to dress up and get candy. This year I had a lady say “well historically it’s a time where witches celebrate and crazy things happen, it’s just great.” 

 

The reply that gave me the best opportunity to share the gospel came when another coworker replied, “It’s death we celebrate.” To which I replied, “sure, but my experience with death is grievous, not something fun to celebrate.” Without thinking she raised her voice and blurted out: “but it’s the most natural thing in the world!!!” Her protest caught me off guard, I paused and calmly replied, “I could not disagree with you more. I believe death was never meant to be.” Before we parted ways, I was able to tell her that God’s creation originally did not include death. She gave a laugh and walked away.

 

What do we celebrate on Halloween? The Occult? Witchcraft? Death? Being something or someone you are not? Or maybe an appropriate question is what do others celebrate on Halloween? In my opinion, as we go further down this post-Christian hole as a society, the spirit world becomes deemphasized and the tangible world has consensus and is therefore preferred. Halloween shows that the material world can conceal spiritual things more and more. The world of our senses is ruled by Satan and leveraged by mankind. However, in the spirit world, the supremacy is Christ’s. My greatest treasure is knowing that those two worlds coexist but only one of them is eternal.

 

When Halloween came this year, we had our third annual Reformation party complete with a printing press activity, the 5 sola’s, and a look at the biblical objections Martin Luther had of the Catholic church. We also passed out tracts with our candy and prayed as the neighborhood came to us.

A Father's Love

 

Dear prayer Warriors,

 

Happy Thanksgiving. I realize that it's perhaps poor etiquette to send out an email on Thanksgiving, but I was actually waiting for this day to send it. Where would I be without your prayers, the intercessory prayers of the brothers and sisters in Christ. Thank you that I can share my vantagepoint with you and you in return go to the Father for me and my family. These prayer emails have helped me work out my faith. Praise God for your responses.

 

Faith Birthday -a Celebration of my Adoption

I assume all of you know my testimony so let me be direct. Can you believe that I was consciously a "John Doe" for a day? Not someone found unconscious without an ID but a conversational John Doe.  That fact encapsulates my lostness.  Thankfully God knew that I was His even on my darkest day. How lost could anyone get when people ask for your name and you reply "I have none."  That was me, a few days of my life were lived in solitary “observation” rooms and I remember spitting on the walls, not even being able to control when I needed to use the restroom for a week or so. I remember being given a Bible and slowly crumpling up the pages. It was a Bible with the red letters signifying Jesus’s spoken words. Therefore, I found a red pen and scribbled over the pages with my red ink, proving to anyone/anything watching who I thought god was.

 

God’s creation of humanity receives life, free will, and time on this earth. So many people are happy with this. I know I was for most of 28 years. I did my best to be careful in trusting, slow to be loving and tolerant no matter the cost. Live and let live. I led a lifestyle that forged its own beliefs by trusting my senses. Evil and sin became hard to pinpoint as such. I loved my sin so long as it didn’t hurt anyone, I was on board to do it. How dangerous it is to have a world view with self-justifying morals. On November 10^th of this year, I celebrated my 18^th faith birthday. My complaints and self-pity were dismantled 18 years ago. God got my attention that day because I had been humbled again by my car getting stolen. In that moment of brokenness/ openness, the Holy Spirit helped me consider absolute truth instead of my own.  The cross was no longer a story to me. Jesus’s cross represented for the first time that which it always claimed: my forgiveness before God Almighty for everything. The claim of the cross is that Jesus died to pay for my sins. No longer am I bound to sin’s eternal punishment. Sacrificial love was used to reconcile me to God. This is why trusting the Bible as God’s Word, as absolute truth, became my remedy and Jesus my only King and Redeemer.

 

What a reward! I’m not talking eternal reward here; I’m talking about walking in the singularity of truth as being my reward. Now I can commit everything to Jesus and forsake the world because I live with His companionship, Lordship, and Truth. His shepherding through all of the changes and hard things is an enormous reward. Being able to ask God what to do when life becomes impossible and finding the answer of what to do in the Bible is a reward!  The Bible tells me that I can live by faith in the Son of Man, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

 

 Who is my Father?

 This year, particularly this day and time of year, I’m dwelling on God’s adoptive love. It is my treasure in the field. I sold all my copyrights, my entitlements, my loyalties and royalties to buy the field containing that treasure. The treasure of being God’s son. God asks all of us to surrender even our own family on His altar to see that Jesus is more.  Mankind is offended by the cost, believers call it being born again, but God calls it adoption. I’m not just a creation made by Him, I am His beloved child through faith, I’m in the family now. By God’s grace, I can worship God as my Father more sweetly than most because I was fatherless for nearly all of my childhood, youth, and young adult life.

 

When I lift my hands in worship particularly at church and in my home, I mimic my son Victor who will express his desire to be held by me by running into me, lifting up his arms and uttering a plea to be held. That is the posture I take when I raise my hands in worship to my Father. I am His son running to Him desiring to be picked up, held, and spoken to. I see the metaphor clearly; therefore, I father my children with an intentional desire to scoop up those outstretched arms (and find the nearest thing to sit down on for more support). What great love I have for my kids because of God’s great love for me. God’s greater love and greater goodness is bountifully being given and offered to me. Praise the Lord!

 

Yesterday marked the 44^th year that my earthly father died. It was on Thanksgiving Day 1980 when his love went missing, literally swallowed up in an avalanche on St Mary’s Glacier. It was on the TV and the newspapers for days, but this was our news to carry for the time to come. When I reflect on growing up, I can think of no greater offense that befell me than my father’s death on Thanksgiving. I thought it was a sick joke from God, that on “thanks day” I was rendered thankless, fatherless. For many years I blamed God for the avalanche that took my father’s life. I imposed on myself the pressure to be like my dad, liking the things he liked, but I could not even remember what his hugs felt like.

 

Praise God that 18 years ago I found my first lasting "thanks" on Thanksgiving: the death of my father was no longer pain provoking or cruel or seemingly meaningless. As I see it, the recompense for the death of my father was my Adoptive Father. This adoption and new relationship with Dad became important so that I could be the best father I can to my kids. In the years since, the Lord has called me to be a father to the most needy and to care for kids through the darkest valley.

 

Perhaps the greatest hindsight I have this year as I write this is the biblical promises that God has always been the protector of widows and the father to the fatherless. Year after fragile year, my mother had the support and love of her friends, family, and many church families. I see how God equipped my mother with great self-sacrifice and control to raise four boys on her own, in a country she did not grow up in. I glean that it was the Lord who acted as my dad sovereignly even when I hated Him. He lived among us through His saints, angels, and His Holy Spirit even when I wouldn’t be comforted and held.

 

Deuteronomy 10:18 declares that God "executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing." The psalmist in Psalm 10:14 said to God, "You have been the helper of the fatherless." Psalm 68:5 says, "Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation."

 

Praise the Lord for:

-The persistent memory-sharing of Simon particularly with our children. As parents, we count on Simon's vital, formative role in our family. This includes sharing our wonder of where God says Simon is and our future promises of a reunion. In turn, may my surviving children see their precious and vital contribution too. 

- We rejoiced at Renee and Victor moving into Simon and Renee's old room recently. what lay empty, desolate, that which was swallowed up for years has become a place for our children again. I'm going through Isaiah with Anna and there are many passages on how abandoned and in ruins the promised land will be,  but in Isaiah 49 the promise of Zion, the return of God's people has arrived. God says "then you will know that I am Yahweh, those who put their trust in me will not be put to shame. 49:23b" . May the Lord fill us to overflowing once again.  

-Anna's continued interest and work on the eye gaze device. We had a prayer warrior of ours share that she prays for Anna to communicate her hope and salvation in words. I have no doubt of her salvation, but I must admit I admire this lady's faith in wanting such a righteous thing for Anna. Anna continues to communicate to us using her “talker” (the eye-gaze device). The clinic we have been going for this has been great and refreshing to learn more about Anna.   

 

Please Pray for:

-Our continued desire to have another child, that the origin of this desire would continue to be on the foundation of Christ, for the Lord's glory. I grieve at how prideful I was in assuming control of how many kids to have, thinking that our quiver was built for four kids. Join us in asking for 5, thanking for 4, and praising Him for 3 under our current “loan”. What a gift children are! 

-Renee’s continued growth in faith and wisdom. We use her AWANA memorization verses as our family devotion times. Talking in depth the significance of each selected verse for memory. Then we all learn it by heart. Renee has been stepping up in wonderful ways and having setbacks as well. I was in a moment of frustration out of continued repetition, I raised my voice toward Victor. Renee sensed the tension, looked at me and said, “Dad you need less passion and more patience.” Once I picked my jaw off the floor, I agreed, complimented her on her observation and asked her for suggestions. She suggested waiting 20 minutes before escalating any situation.  As far as a setback, Renee pushed a boy knocking him down. My own childhood memories flooded in and I felt parental disappointment for the first time. After going to the boy’s house and talking with his family, I feel Renee has grown in awareness of her actions and what they led to. They say girls are made with “sugar and spice and all things nice”, I feel the Lord doubled the spice with Renee. Lastly, she asked me to baptize her. As we are preparing for this, it has opened the door for her to own her faith more. Pray that God would enrich her life through answered prayer, purpose her days, and lead her to a life verse of her own that has great significance for her.

-Anna, We have had 5 significant doctor appointments since I last wrote. All of which were positive. The biggest is the Cerebral Palsy clinic where her bone and muscle formation challenges (dystonia) are closely evaluated. Her scoliosis is not worsening, the doctor was pleased with her hip x ray as well. We were ordered some preventative care night time ankle braces in the hopes of avoiding ankle surgery, in my flesh I groan at another caretaking task to do daily. Praise God for the diligence, joy, love, and strength He gives us to do all her many cares. Anna already sleeps with a forced air mask, a wedge between her legs and now ankle braces. Please join me in praying one of the oldest prayer request I’ve ever asked for: “that God would show the good He has in store for her.” Pray we would select a wonderful Make-a-wish wish for her. 

-distractions of this world to be identified and removed. That my Father would grow me. I settle for comfort when God is offering me fathering instead. He is encouraging me to be more intentional and live with daily extra effort. Instead, I find myself scrolling marketplace items for sale and it has mustered up to me a covetousness that I am not used to living with. May I be contagiously thankful, a light at my work and a joy in my home. 

 

Thankful for you!  

Nic for the Currats