Simon's Birthday: Sifting through Sentimentality

Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

February 3^rd, we are less than a week away from Simon’s birthday. Sentimentality is at an all-time high. I thank God for how He has ushered in this coming week so far with His careful handling of my feelings. Like a conductor of a large orchestra is the Holy Spirit to my many emotions right now.

 

We attended a night of prayer and praise at our church this past week. We were asked to “pray with those around you”, Lindsey and I split up. I found three intriguing high school aged boys at this meeting. I asked them to pray for me about the coming week, I was in tears explaining my loss and the nerves of the approaching birthday. I told them that God had equipped us to walk this far and so I know that with prayer and dependance on Him, amid our weakness, that Jesus would be our strength as we remain in the pathway of His blessing. They nodded, agreed, and prayed. The shortest one prayed in a trembling voice “Wow God you did it again, making connection only you can make, My birthday is on February 3^rd too.” As I returned to Lindsey after prayer, that young man came into my row and asked if he could give me a hug. In that embrace, the Lord gave me the sense memory of hugging Simon, this young man was similar in height landing his head in my lower ribcage. It was such a loving heart-felt gesture from God through this young man. He is right, only God could draw meaning in such a moment for this teenager and myself. I will be thanking God for this young man on Simon’s birthday. Oh and also our newly sponsored Compassion child in Rwanda named Fred, He shares Simon’s actual birthdate turning 7.

 

Lindsey has been blessing the local foster care program with new clothes and boots. She finds much humility and healing in buying clothes that would likely fit Simon and donating them. Praise God for the generosity others showed us in our loss that we could buy for those that have next to nothing and be ministered to at the same time.

 

There are other sentimental notes my Maestro has been playing on my heart none of it is in anguish, bitterness, or pain. It has been sweet to remember Simon’s life in this way leading up to his birthday. I imagine, in the years to come, the sentimentality will be reduced. None of it is wasted. Please if you see us, don’t ignore the elephant in the room: ask about how we are doing since losing Simon knowing that his birthday is here. Ask what has been encouraging us lately. We find it hard when people we love don’t want to talk about it. I look for God’s immovable comfort amid sentimentality because the world offers Ikea quality comfort.  “As long as we remember him, he is still alive.” Another we hear is “he is with you, every time you see a dragonfly (or whatever) that is him.” I don’t find comfort in those things. I don’t wish to be reliving the life God has already made me live. I want to remain thankful and full of praise for the road He has me on. God be praised for making those who endure sorrow experience His goodness if we let Him direct our understanding.

 

It’s not who Simon was that I wish to remember on His birthday as much as it is what God did through him. How God carved, molded and shaped him. How Jesus wooed Simon’s heart at such a young age. Moreover, how did God use Simon to build me up into Christlikeness? My life was so good with Simon in it. He was our milestone boy, all the things we hoped to see in Anna we saw with Simon. What a balm of hope and healing Simon was to the unnatural daily hardships of being Anna’s parents. Simon is part of my story, not my identity. I’m a bit more emotional about it now this week. Praise the Lord that His Holy Spirit indwelling me bridles those feelings and thoughts. I want to share with you committed prayer warriors something that I printed out and have hanging above my desk at work. I frequently check it. It was authored by a person who has suffered similarly and I share it with permission replacing his son's name with mine in the hopes of directing prayers this week for us. He calls it his Manifesto.

 “By faith I will accept Simon’s death as God’s will, and by faith accept that God’s will is always good. By faith I will be at peace with Providence, and by faith at peace with its every decree. By faith I will praise God in the taking as I did in the giving, and by faith receive from his hand this sorrow as I have so many joys. I will grieve but not grumble, mourn but not murmur, weep but not whine

Though I will be scarred by Simon’s death, I will not be defined by it. Though it will always be part of my story, it will never become my identity. I will be forever thankful that God gave me children and never resentful that he called him home. My joy in having loved Simon will be greater than my grief in having lost him. I will not waver in my faith, nor abandon my hope, nor revoke my love. I will not charge God with wrong.

I will receive this trial as a responsibility to steward, not a punishment to endure. I will look for God’s smile in it rather than his frown, listen for his words of blessing rather than his voice of rebuke. This sorrow will not make me angry or bitter, nor cause me to act out in rebellion or indignation. Rather, it will make me kinder and gentler, more patient and loving, more compassionate and sympathetic. It will loose my heart from the things of earth and fix it on the things of heaven. The loss of my son will make me more like God’s Son, my sorrow like the Man of Sorrows.

I will continue to love God and trust him, continue to pursue God and enjoy him, continue to worship God and boast of his many mercies. I will look with longing to the day of Christ’s return and with expectation to the day of resurrection. I will remain steadfast and immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord. I will forget what lies behind and strain forward to what lies ahead, always pressing on toward the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. I will lay aside every weight and sin that clings so closely and run with endurance the race that is set before me, looking always to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of my faith. I will remain faithful until I have fought the good fight and finished the race and kept the faith. I will die as I have lived—a follower of Jesus Christ. Then, by grace, I will go to be with Jesus, and go to be with Simon.”

 

This ministers deeply and helps me aim for the glory of God. In faith with grace I can say like Job: “ But he (God) knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.” Job 23:10  

 

Please pray for:

-Anna to return to a baseline. Its been a long winter with something out of normal with her care or routines for the last 3 months. Pray for respiratory strength, digestive health and a immune system that don’t quit.

-Lindsey’s solitude retreat. To be a tipping point toward a season of blessing and purpose driven living. She desired to celebrate her birthday with some quiet contemplative time and I am happy to accommodate this with Grandma Sandy’s help.

-Like Elisha asked at Elijah’s home going: for our children to receive a double portion of Simon’s spirit for Christ. His care for others, his helpfulness, his love for God’s Word, his intellect, his creativity and his love.

 

Nic for the Currats

Advent down here and Christmas up there

 

Dear Friends,

 

Merry Christmas. Hope born out of God's love; Jesus Christ is the hope that outlasts all other hope. The Eternal, Infinite took on the temporal, the finite to become our Light, our Gate, our Bread, our Way, our Sacrifice. Nothing can eclipse this hope, not death. A footnote to this hope that is particularly sweet to me is that I'm gonna do heaven with Simon someday. 

 

An Advantageous Advent 

Advent has been my Christmas present; it's been a holy advent. I was surprised by the goodness we have experienced waiting to celebrate our Savior's birth. Christ will not be eclipsed in our hearts, Amen. Leading up to Christmas, we had several nights of singing hymns and Christmas songs as a family. I distinctly remember a night when Renee was uniquely attentive, as we talked about Jesus being the Light born into the darkness of this world. Given her mindfulness I asked, "Renee what do you know about the Lord?" and she replied quickly "He is my Protector." After a couple of follow up questions, I sat there so impressed with her. 

 

A couple events highlighted our Advent too. 20 kids and parents who loved Simon braved the cold to sing, pray, and lay a fresh wreath on Simon's tomb. Many of his classmates and friends made ornaments to decorate the wreath. It was an important reminder to me of how many children miss Simon too. Another night, The Holy Spirit ministered deeply to Lindsey during a “longest night service.” Put on by another church. It was a special time for sorrow and heartache to be presented before the Lord in holy dependance on Him leading into hope-filled worship. We did not decorate much, but there was much refining. Lindsey and I spent next to no time shopping, we struggled to want to give gifts, desiring no gifts either, we wanted to focus on God, our loss, and the people God has given us as gifts. It's no wonder that in times of loss only eternal things like God’s Word and relationships offer a comfort that is a balm. We have also seen how through death, it's not uncommon for close friends to become less close and for acquaintances to become close friends. I confessed to Lindsey that I didn’t want our close relationship to suffer from distance because of Simon's absence. 

 

 We wanted to remain teachable, not distracted. Lindsey and I affirmed each other as we expressed a desire to run the race of faith with our eyes on Jesus, running to the end, especially finishing strong.   For Lindsey and I, advent allowed us to compromise and talk about Christmas. Christmas was a blessing. A dear church family with kids shared their home and time with us on Christmas eve after church. We spent Christmas morning making a snowman at the cemetery and walking, it was a busy place. 

 

First Christmas in Heaven

As Christmas gifts to us, our extended families spent their time and money making a winter edition homeless bag and went among the poor in the Seattle area to talk to them about Jesus’ love, care and plan for the poor. Another family bought gifts for a family who couldn’t afford them rather than giving to us. What heart-satisfying gifts we received!  Christmas night, my family came down to have soup at our place.

 

 I asked the Lord to help me share something. Through many tears and emotions, I referenced several Bible passages about how those who are born again can possibly receive crowns from God. This has nothing to do with the issue of Salvation. I observed that God’s Spirit indwelling in Simon grew a compassion for the poor. I shared that it is possible for God to award a crown to Simon for his compassion. (I certainly don't know for sure.) or Maybe Through God’s providence of being Anna’s brother and helper I wonder if another crown landed on him? By the Holy Spirit, in faith, Simon lived up to his namesake Simon the Cyrene! Oh, and what about his Spirit-filled artwork? I’m having a proud daddy moment, carried away by the good gifts of God that don’t spoil. Praise the Lord for His Holy Spirit making a home in the faithful for His kingdom come.  

 

Then I read revelation 4, the passage of God being worshipped in heaven and how the 24 elders cast their crowns at Christ’s feet. Whatever acts the elders had done to merit a godly crown was nothing compared to the act of Jesus leaving heaven to save us, and so they threw their award back to the One who is worthy. I marveled at the idea that for the first Christmas in heaven, Simon is doing likewise: he is casting off his crown and watching it land at Christ’s feet. So, to symbolize all this, I bought a silver sparkly crown ornament and added it to our nativity scene at the feet of Jesus. 

 

I remember years of coming home from work greeted by an excited, squinty-smiled boy who waited all day to show me his latest creation while still in his pajamas. "Hey look what I did today." Or "Come and see what I’m working on downstairs, it's so cool." By God's grace, when I'm reunited with Simon, I know he will say to me one more time: "come and see what I have been working on for our Father's glory. It’s so cool." This New Year as Simon works and worships before the Lord, may I do the same unto the Lord down here. Alleluia. 

 

Praise the Lord for:

-A faith filled Christmas, with blessed anticipation. 

-the continued host of support from family and church family. That wreath laying was so touching that we hope to repeat it again next year. 

-Renee’s continued growth in spiritual matters and in emotions

-Songs that uplift our hearts and bring our attention to the Lord. 

-My work continues to be a support through our practical needs and time off. 

 

Please Pray for: 

-Health and protection from acute illnesses, we are currently going through another round third since Thanksgiving. Thankfully not requiring hospitalizations. 

-Our refining through loss, that hope and heaven grows richer in our hearts and mind. Also, that sharing the Gospel would come into greater focus. 

-continued time one on one for Lindsey and I to open our thoughts and hearts, as we seek the unity of the Spirit in the bond of our marriage. 

-a gracious providence as we lay before the Lord our plans for Lindsey’s milestone birthday and Simon’s birthday two days later coming in the first week of February. 

 

Thank you for your ministry of praying for us and believing God for the goodness that is in store for us even in the land of the living. 

 

Nic for the Currats

Surrendering Daily to the One in Control

 Dear Prayer Warriors,

As the spiritual leader of my family, I find myself jumpy, hesitant. Overly anticipating the next crisis. Anna gets a cough; in my flesh I think she is going to die from it. Victor starts climbing the stairs; I’m tempted to think of the worst possible tumble. Renee is fired up and acting out; I give ground into thinking what that behavior will look like when she is 15. Lindsey wants to believe God for something that I have a hard time grasping; I take a defensive stance instead of praying.

 

I have keenly assessed Satan’s tactics and stand ready to defend, which is good. But I think what is better is trusting that God is in control, that there is good around the corner, not heartbreak. God bids me rest, regroup, and celebrate the Messiah’s birth!! It’s wise to know the enemy’s tactics but my eye need not be on him, I need to keep my eyes on the King of Kings, the loving Lord.

 

Leading out of crisis, growing into a new normal, and going through the holiday season has me on high alert. Forget the cookies, I'm looking for traps. Pray that I would take God at His Word about my situation being well under His control. Pray for a verse for me to memorize to counter the temptation I’m describing. I remember Elijah after his great battle with the prophets of Bale, after praying for the rain to return, he buckles and caves into a singular threat running far away. God even asks him “what are you doing here?” In my world, losing Simon was that great battle where the Lord proved Himself faithful and able. And now these little things threaten to make me buckle and cave. May the Lord revive me as he did with Elijah. By God’s grace, He has given me enough sensitivity in my spirit to these heart matters. I need to fix my eyes on Jesus, and lay hold of the victory and joy before me. Those little battles, or footholds Satan places do not stand a chance when I place my faith in the omnipotent ruler, supreme in the spirit and physical worlds, the Lord Jesus Christ.

 

Let me share this quick story of God at work bearing in mind how preoccupied we have been in shepherding Renee through her grief: One of the few gifts of having Renee in our room with us at night is hearing her talk in her sleep. On one occasion I heard her say “I love you.” Over and over again. Two days later I overheard her say “victory in Jesus.” Twice. Kids! Here I am, Mr. Helicopter parent assuming she is dreaming up nightmares and the most pleasant peaceful utterances are coming from her. (We know the Hymn Victory in Jesus by heart ever since Victor’s birth, Simon knew it well too:) Isn’t that something praiseworthy to ponder?

 

 Praise the Lord for:

-          Renee’s words in her sleep. “Through the praise of children and infants you have established a stronghold against your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger.” Psalm 8:2

-          Emmanuel, God with us. The great fighter of my battles.

-          Extra time off of work to focus on my family.

-          Advent activities such as thinking on a name of Jesus each day and opening a mini door with chocolate behind it, have been more meaningful this year than ever before.

-          Continued grace from friends and family that check in on us and bless us

 

Please Pray for:

-          Anna’s inpatient stay for the epilepsy treatment got rescheduled to April 3^rd. The hospital is full and reserved to more emergent patients. It was supposed to start today. I thank God for closing that door for us as it was a struggle to find unity regarding this.

-          Ways to honor Simon’s memory while glorifying God. Lindsey bought 2 new winter coats Simon’s size and gave them to the needy.  

Thanks for serving my family,

Nic for the Currats

Thinking on Thanksgiving

 Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

Thank you for praying with me for our Thanksgiving, some of you have asked how it was so I thought I would share the experience a bit to honor the Lord my Shepherd. My retail work amazingly gave me the Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off to focus on my family. The day before seemed particularly filled with grace as I met with some godly men, did a prayer walk in the cemetery as Simon is buried on the far end of the property. I spent much time outside with the favorable weather. I ended the day on a dessert date sharing 3 giant cookies with Lindsey for an hour and a half.

 

Thanksgiving itself had a cold whipping wind all day keeping us indoors. Often when I thought about the holiday in the days leading up, it reminded me of Goliath, taunting me and provoking me to anxiousness. I remember praying back to God His Word when I was anxious about it all, the Philippians 4 passage about how prayer with thanksgiving is the prescription for the symptom of anxiousness. My bride and I discussed what we should do and felt it best to keep our day open, with hindsight I don’t recall asking God what He wanted our Thanksgiving to look like. We got invited to homes, we had an offer to bring a dinner to us; in the end we had a simple squash dish and some pie. This certainly was not a Thanksgiving where feasting and an abundant harvest was a focus.

 

I thought of things to say and songs to sing but couldn’t find a fitting time to share it. I made time to look at videos and photos hoping to remind us of the treasury of loving moments with my son, only a few of us wanted to go there. I had Simon’s “thankfulness car” ready to roll but didn’t. These planned efforts felt like shouting “hello” in a cave with no echo calling back though I expected one. But the Lord was near, He gave us a midday nap, a home improvement project to keep our mind nimble in the afternoon, grandparents to help out with the kids, a little bit of soccer and football to distract, and a wholehearted prayer at dinner time. I threw all I got into thanking God for the way my life is without Simon and thankful for the treasure of 6 years with Simon. It was not easy. I didn’t expect it to be. I did expect God to help Shepherd us, I felt like He did.  

 

Going to church that weekend brought victory, the David victory over this Goliath. Our worship songs opened my heart before the Lord, giving me a vantage point over Thanksgiving Day itself. I sang: “I know that He can do it, He said He’d lead me through it, He’s able!!” I stood on that truth, that is what my God did for me on Thanksgiving day! 

Another song we sang served as an idol checker, it simply stated: “I just want to tell you Jesus that I love you more than anything.” That reminded me that the real battle within my heart and mind is to keep laying down my son at the feet of Jesus, to not want him back more than I want Jesus. Jesus Christ is first! First served, first loved, first talked to in all that I go through. How recalibrating it was to sing that and mean it with all I got. 

The message that day revisited a passage of Scripture that spoke sweetly to me in the earlier days of losing Simon. It was a comfort to revisit. 

All this I gathered into my heart, and asked God to fan the flames of my faith because I need Him. 

This photo was from Thanksgiving 2020. Simon especially loved the French Silk Chocolate Pie that year. 

Love, 

nic

A Little Legacy for the Carpenter of Heaven

 

Dear Praying Warrior,

 

Heaven's Carpenter

As the Lord orchestrated things, last spring we moved mom into my brother’s house. During that process, I surveyed the memorabilia, found, and claimed a framed sketch of Jesus I’d never paid attention to before. Thanks to Lindsey it has been at my bedside since I brought it to my home. It's a portrait of Jesus focused on a piece of wood in his lap. He's running a carpenter’s block plane over the wood creating those thick curled shavings at the end of the piece. My bride wedged four pictures in the frame seams, around that image. Each picture is of me with each one of my kids.  My Father in Heaven loves me, even as I am on His lap, I am surrounded with the joy and comfort my kids give. God shapes me into the likeness of His Son.

 

In the days and weeks after Simon’s death, I was apprehensive to talk to people who also lost a son, not anymore, they have become a tool in my Heavenly Carpenter’s drawer. Particularly Christian fathers. Fathers that have lost their children but not their faith! I found out last week that 5 of the 10 men in my Bible study discussion group have lost their sons and have kept on walking with Jesus. This is no coincidence, but rather a hug from the Lord. How can an interdenominational Bible study with around 100+ men happen to place us in the same discussion class together? Wow, I thought it good to study the Bible, but God had more overflow in mind for my spiritual formation. God cares about my sorrow and wants me to walk with Him!

 

A Little Legacy

The Lord brought a handyman to our home through a reference this past week. He was an encouragement to me. He placed kitchen cabinets, patched drywall and laid flooring down for us. We shared stories of loss and legacy confessing how formative such things are. After a while we found out that we attended the same church. Praise  

 

Legacy remains pressing on my heart regarding Simon. Perhaps I don’t want to lose my memories of him and what he stood for. Or at the risk of sounding insecure, maybe I seek reassurance that there was a great purpose in God’s plan to give Simon life and allow for his seemingly premature death. Either way, there is much mystery surrounding him and I know that God doesn’t owe me an answer. He didn’t have to give me Simon in the first place. I’m so glad He did.

 

 I have come to think of legacy as a retraceable way for others to see God’s grace in the life lived and then formulate it into stories left behind, an annual tradition, or maybe a memorial; All to the Glory of God. I have asked myself “how has God been gracious to Simon?” Pray with me that God would show me more ways He was gracious to Simon. I know we touched on many points of grace during the funeral service.

 

God afforded us financial blessing throughout this whole ordeal, not out of need as far as we can perceive, but for us to be a blessing with it. Pray that we would use the money that we received to honor Jesus, Simon’s memory, and pay for things like counseling if we are led that way. We used that fund for the first time on Halloween. We sought to glorify God by having a time of praise and worship at our house with some neighbors and some of Simon’s friends. During a break in the singing, the kids formed an assembly line and helped make homeless bags. The kind I used to make with Simon! They come complete with a gospel booklet, a Jesus word search, local contact numbers for job search assistance, food, shelter, and lots of nourishing food. That night I shared with them about the 5-mile bike ride I took with Simon back in May. We biked along the river past many homeless camps. I was surprised at the many clusters as we biked past. We took a water break and talked about the homeless. I was unprepared. It’s hard to talk about the homeless with children, even with a biblical view I found myself asking Simon “what can we do about it? God loves them too!”. His heart had room for the homeless, so much room. He said to me “these guys need bags too.”

 

The Sunday after our night of worship, I loaded up my bike trailer with 30 or so homeless bags. With a dear brother, we biked in the cold and dropped them off. We biked the same route I did 6 months earlier with Simon. We stopped to talk to each of them and prayed. I shared my story about the time I rode that same path with Simon, I told them that my son wanted them to know that Jesus loves them and cares to meet their needs. I added that Jesus is a chain breaker. To my surprise I found myself being prayed for too. They met me with compassion towards my heartbreak equal to the measure of compassion we were out delivering. One of them saw Simon’s story on the news. We prayed for idols to be smashed and chains broke.   

 

In a grief book aimed at helping kids grieve, I read a statement that surprised me, it said, "time doesn’t heal the wounds, but actions do." The acts of our worship night, the homeless bags and the bike ride ministered deeply. It was also the first time I got back on my bike since Simon died.

 

Praise the Lord for:

- Renee being carefully loved and listened to by us. We have been giving her some melatonin at night which has helped calm her too.

- all the handy work done unto the glory of God.

- getting our family recovered from a viral illness. 

-Honoring our memory of Simon while serving Jesus and loving on the homeless.

-Giving me rich support in Christ's Body through my Bible study discussion group 

  

 

Please Pray for:

-Renee. That she would not suffer any long-term effects from early childhood trauma. And that the Lord would ease her into sharing a room with Victor when the time is right.

-Transformation from the inside out for the homeless that received a bag made by Simon’s friends.

-wisdom and confirmation for the medical treatment of Anna’s neurological condition called Electrical Status Epilepticus during (ESES) coming up on December 12^th. The treatment is 3 months on a heavy dose of Valium. It’s supposed to be a 3 day inpatient stay to start, so we can see how Anna adjusts to the treatment. Prior treatments and studies show much cognition improvement and speech development to the patients who respond well to it. Would this please the Lord as an avenue for Him to administer healing?

-Continued sharing of our hearts with one another for Lindsey and I. 

 

-Grace in love as we are hosting our mothers one after another in the next two weeks.

Thank you,

Nic, Lindsey, Anna, Renee, and Victor

Redeeming Grief

 Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

It's been a blessing to camp out in the book of Ruth. Much like camping, I freed up my schedule and took my time reading. Similar to the beauty in nature, God's beautiful Words made Himself a place of refuge again for me nourishing me. I'm sure I will reread those four chapters again soon because it speaks well to me in my grief. I recommend, if you are not familiar with the book of Ruth in the Bible to read it before reading the rest of this email. 

 

It's no shocker that I have been paying attention to mourning in the Bible, looking at passages of grief and lament more closely. The account of Naomi is probably one of the most stand-out and comforting passages I have come across. 

 

Like Job, Naomi's loss was far greater than mine. Job took a high road in his lamenting, always eager to hear from God to bring purpose to his suffering. However, it is in Naomi that I see a more "real", fleshly, human road through sorrow. Naomi seemed to lack the expectation that God is pursuing her, or purposing her suffering. She had the clear feeling of being let down by God, expecting misery to be her company the rest of her days. She even goes so far as to assume she is cursed. Naomi went away from the Promised Land with her family of four. She returned empty with a foreigner, wanting to be called Mara instead which means "bitter". She even told Ruth, “My life is too bitter to share." also despairing: "the Almighty has afflicted me." Naomi spends great effort pushing people away, during her grief and no doubt she sees her life as over. 

 

Naomi, like many mourners, has grossly underestimated God's grace. Her bitterness was a lens preventing her from seeing hope and redemption. Thankfully God encircled Naomi with her daughter-in-law Ruth. Who also suffered loss but wanted to be loyal and present for Naomi as she moved back to Bethlehem. Amazingly Ruth grasps onto Naomi, giving of herself. Ruth listened, followed Naomi’s instruction and endured in a foreign land. She had nothing to gain except caring for Naomi, what an example of love.  

 

As I read onward, I was blessed to think of this as a simile. My family is like Naomi, our church family and family have been like Ruth. Ruth was not going anywhere, she brought the food, remained loyal, and gave kind words. God used Ruth to lift up Naomi's head again and again. God used Ruth as a means for love, comfort and provision for Naomi's practical needs. But Ruth could only do so much. 

 

As the short book unfolds, Boaz is like Jesus. This is the landowner who ate with his hired hands, ensured Ruth’s safety as she picked in his field and made good on his words. He cared that the poor should eat. He knew about Ruth and was struck by how kind and loving Ruth was to Naomi.

 

Ruth returns from gleaning grain in Boaz's field. But it's Naomi who comes alive in remembering God's best for His people. It's Naomi who realizes that Boaz is eligible to be her family’s kinsman-redeemer. She arranges that Ruth would be put in the pathway of that blessing. In further parallel to Christ, Boaz obeys the Israelite law, fulfills it in regards to redeeming the land and the family. Doing exactly what he said he would do. Boaz is the promise keeper and redeemer of Elimelech’s family (Naomi’s deceased husband). 

 

This story ends with Naomi living up to her name which means “pleasant”. She is seen holding and caring for her grandchild through the union of Boaz and Ruth. God did it! She never imagined having, holding and loving a grandchild. That’s grace to her from God.

 

 Phew what a picture of restoration for a grieving person to hold onto. Naomi knew what Boaz could do, likewise we must know what Jesus alone is qualified to do, and ask Him to do it for us, namely the forgiveness of our sins and reconciliation with the Father. For those walking in similar shoes, dealing with loss. I can testify that it is our church family and family acting like Ruth that has ministered God’s grace to us. Allow Jesus to be Jesus, the church to be the church, your pastor to shepherd you, and the fellow believers to minister via the fruit of the Spirit.

 

Please pray:

- that Christ, like Boaz, would restore life and lavish grace on our family.

-for our night of worship at our house tonight (Oct 31^st ) . To redeem the time with the “Ruths” God has given us. These families were mere acquaintances before the death of Simon and now they have been serving us and sacrificing themselves for us for months now. We have a little activity to honor the memory of Simon, that should be sweet.

-for Wednesday as we meet with a Christian family grief counselor to gain wisdom and guidance about raising Renee.

 

A Poem:

 I feel that Jesus is working on my heart with the balm of Scripture.

I see the foundation of Christ holding our marriage through sorrow. 

I hear whispers of the Holy Spirit speaking to Renee over her feelings. 

I smell the pleasing aroma of sacrifice the saints make to support our family.

I taste heaven and eternity right off of the cooling rack of death.

 

Thanks for Praying and being a Ruth to us,

 

Nic, Lindsey, Anna, Renee, Victor

Knowing Jesus and Feeling Heavy of Heart

Prayer Warriors,

We dearly miss Simon’s lead and example at bedtime. Renee followed Simon and loved his little bedtime rituals more than I did. They ran around in pajamas, eating a bunch of raw veggies and fruit because dinner didn’t “taste good”, they often helped our nurse in doing Anna’s care plan, and if they were wound-up just right they’d jump on the couch too. Bedtime now recalls only an impression of those things that once were so common.  My hope is that the Lord will fill Renee with new bedtime rituals that she will impart to Victor as effectively as Simon did with his.

At bedtime Renee has a list of excuses to not settle down. If daddy is putting her down, she asks for Mommy and vice versa. The next trick is the cup of water, then the need to pee. After comes story time, it’s impossible to skip story time!  Renee asks for the same story reread three times as she clutches onto her blanket tighter than before. Then onto another book reread three times. Her mind races as her limbs are restless beneath a weighted blanket. As I turn off the light, she continues to move incessantly while chewing on her blanket. She remains inappropriately loud with ideas; Renee talks about things make-believe, like her purple house and her kids. Every so often she will even find a creative reason for me to turn on the light again.

I have learned that once Renee insists and I deny her, no matter the consequence she will proceed to insist, she doesn’t relent. What’s new is reaching a melt-down point. She loses control of her feelings due to being so fixated on her desire. Then Renee will act out in screaming and flailing around, taking 10-15 minutes for her to calm down. I feel I am bending over backwards to help her to fall asleep. When Renee finally does flip that switch into dreamland it is sudden and the teeth grinding is soon to follow. She sleeps well once asleep but bedtime remains an emotional tempest.  

Pray for wisdom, speak up if you know firsthand how to help shepherd a child through loss or PTSD.  I feel like we should not lighten up the discipline, however Lindsey helps me see what non-verbal, post-trauma grief can be as experienced by a 3-year-old. Lindsey challenges me to see these patterns and to forebear them rather than discipline my way through them. It irks me especially when I am so tired as well and the bedtime routine turns into a two-hour ordeal.  

It is the Lord, through this hardship with Renee, that has shown me that the death of a loved one is a heart battle. Renee creates her own bedtime scenario with her heart, utilizing only the words and behaviors she feels. I instruct her often to “make good choices” or “don’t lead with your feelings.” Only to ask myself if I abide by that advice in my grief.  Losing beloved Simon caused my heart to break. How can I guard my heart and keep it tender before Yahweh? I am convinced that Satan loves how death and mourning are taboo subjects, prone to isolate the bereaved.  I see some people that loved Simon wading in loss as it gives way to despair; at best, they are doggie paddling through heartbreak. They avoid checking in with us, struggling alone, band-aided by “could have’s”, “should have’s”, “would have’s”; perhaps a dysfunctional type of idol is being hoisted up from within, bitter, stiff-hearted with no consolation.

Relational Jesus, my kind, good, Shepherd King, the victor over death, offers me swimming lessons to move effectively through the tides of cold heartbreak; As I read His Word, He’s teaching me strokes to straighten my swim in the sorrow, bringing a ministry of healing into my heart.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

 

Looking around I see it’s not just in death that my heart wants to lead but in many matters. I hear my heart demanding things get done in my timeframe, not God’s. Before conversion, I wired myself to let my heart lead my decisions, observations, and mood, I messed things up. My actions become wildly hard to handle with thoughts departing from truth and self-centeredness in the driver’s seat. My senses were kings to be obeyed. As an artist back in the day that type of heart leading was my go-to.

 

I don’t think God is asking me to ignore what my heart feels either. My heart is a big part of this journey. When a prayer warrior replies it often brings me joy and encouragement. My heart and mind are open to the counsel of people who have walked with Jesus through similar suffering, or walked with Him longer than me. I feel equipped by the many books that wisely contribute stories of walking in the valley of the shadow of death with eyes fixed on the Lord. My heart is in full swing when I show care and concern for what my bride expresses and desires. I resonate fully, with a warm heart when she tells me: “I wasn’t done loving him.” In faith I ask, let it be said of me like it was said of Asa:

“Asa’s heart was fully committed to the Lord all his life.” 2 Chronicles 15:17

I want Jesus more than I want my son back. In Him I get both!! This love and faith I have placed in Jesus, His living in me, and promises that He supplies in the Bible that fill my mind with words and actions amid the loss of Simon. It’s tempting to let my heart led then I will look more like Renee at bedtime, losing control of my feelings due to being so fixated on my desire. Instead I’m hopeful in Christ.

Praise the Lord for:

-Our new night nurse who just finished her first week of work with us. This is answered prayer at its finest, Alleluia. We went just one week without a nurse (the last time we needed one it took 9 months).

-Continued strengthening of Anna post op. We have her follow-up with the surgeon a week from Monday. Things are on the mend.

-Victor keeping us on the edge of our seats as we try and spot his first steps, he is on the cusp!

-Genuine, ongoing check-ins with brothers and sisters in Christ who were acquaintances and are now key players in encouraging us regularly.

 

Please Pray for:

-Wisdom and grace for guiding Renee. That her belief in the Lord would guide her attitude and feelings.

-Rest at night and refreshing for the road ahead for each of us.

-Mercy, love, and guidance as we map out the holidays and offer our plans up to God.

-Marital unity as we seek what the Lord has prepared for us. 

-Guidance regarding Anna's schooling and care as we are back to square one after trying different things. 

-God to strengthen us in seeking His joy

With Love,

Nic