Dear Prayer Warriors,
My reflections on the last two months keep me encircled on one answer to prayer, that God would give me a faith greater than my sorrow. I remember the Holy Spirit whispering it to me through the form of a prayer request the week after the hospital. It has become a reliable hope through the funeral, in sharing our story, a hope in returning to work and even for the future. In order for me to believe that God would answer this prayer, I have to recount His goodness and reliability in answering my past prayers. Since there have been many new readers and prayer warriors, I wanted to share how I’ve come to trust Jesus with my life more than myself.
What does faith look like? The Bible says “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” I have hope and evidence of Jesus as my Savior. I didn’t always have that.
I grew up fatherless, French, and frustrated in Colorado. My mother raised 4 boys and once I got out of hand I was sent to boarding school in France. I rebelled greatly, but became interested in being a Catholic priest in the hopes of curbing that. In high school my social circle revolved around my parish. Unfortunately, so did my understanding of forgiveness. As I grew in sin, and repetition of sin hypocrisy took root. I wanted to be like Jesus but fell in my sins daily. The sacrament of penance (which is the practice of private confession of sins to a priest and the receiving of absolution) was no match for my guilty conscience perpetually mocking me because I didn’t measure up to who I wanted to emulate. There is no certainty of forgiveness, of right standing with God.
College was a fresh start. I started by kicking God out of my life, refusing to pray when my heart wanted to and choosing to love all of me. I no longer desired to fight my temptations but to embrace them. I didn’t believe in good vs evil or in sins. Life and faith became what I wanted it to be. Everyone’s got a moral compass and mine’s been a little uptight because of religion. So loosening it became my idol. I embraced what I used to call sin. I mocked religion by creating my own, a god of my conveniences ruled and it was exhilarating for my senses. I lived to worship the present moment.
I went to film school and graduated in fiction writing, my output as a writer was manic. Pride and exploring the spirit world were my thematic obsessions. I became spiritual but not religious, a la carte picking from many religions what suits me. After a trip to Japan where I spent time parading around shrines containing statues of demons depicted by exceptionally talented artists and hung out in temples with gold Buddah’s towering 50-100 feet above me, my mind and my writing started to take off literally. So much so that I lost all acceptance of reality and stepped into what doctors call a psychotic episode. Sounds boring but it was fun; come to find it was critical for me to do this for the sake of the entire human race.
I became the last reincarnation of the Buddha sent to break the yin yang balance. I did a sort of spiritual obstacle course one night by cleverly arranging objects in a certain manner (as all objects have spiritual energy or so I thought). Climaxing with me reaching Nirvana by spontaneously combusting during a naked leap of faith off of Chicago’s Belmont harbor. I did all these things soberly with great success except for disappearing into Nirvana so treaded water till sunrise. The next morning, in uptown rush hour traffic I’m naked again. The police come and ask me my name and the date. I said “I have no name and that time did not exist.” My brother who’d given his life to Jesus two years prior filed a missing person’s report and they matched the description to this John Doe under surveillance at Illinois Masonic Hospital ER. My brother came and identified me.
The next two years included two more psychotic episodes amid being on antipsychotics and mood stabilizers for a Schizoaffective diagnosis. These episodes came with greater hyper religious delusions of grandeur, one in which I claimed I was the second coming of Jesus Christ ready to judge. Afterwards, depression kicked in. I moved back in with mom. After my third episode I gave up on writing, all things about God, and gave into alcohol and weed. These things pacified me and wrapped around my heart like a loose shoelace caught in the bike pedals. I got stuck believing lies about my life: I had tried on my own and failed, I am not marriage material, and I certainly can’t have kids cause I’m crazy and I got papers to prove it. If I could hold down a job and live in a studio the rest of my life then I would be a success. I drank daily for two years.
On November 10th 2006 I got ready for work and went to the parking lot to find that my car had been stolen. I vividly remember the weight and pressure of losing my car, it felt insurmountable. Instantly I felt victimized, lit up my cigarette and cursed around my entire apartment complex hoping to find it. The police confirmed it had been towed and so they were sending an officer over to fill out a stolen car report. But my place wasn’t in any shape for the police to pay me a visit. So, I cleaned at a manic rate. About 5 minutes into cleaning, somewhere from the far reaches of my mind came a Bible verse I remembered as a child. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
I stopped everything, burst into tears, got on my knees and prayed for the first time in 12 years. I remember thinking to myself Jesus is true, it’s all true I need to reconsider Him. I’ve been lied to. It was a prayer of surrender. I said “Lord Jesus, you say you take burdens, I need that. I give you my broken life and all my pieces. I have tried on my own and failed. I am willing to stop alcohol, weed, cigarettes, lusting, whatever just help me please. Something outside of me is keeping me down. I give you my faith. You paid for my sins at the cross, you are true and you actually have forgiven me now, right now! I don’t need to do anything. I am yours… But I can’t go crazy again, give me something steady that won’t make me freak out on religious crap. And please help me get a car.”
I got up, finished cleaning and went to each room saying “Satan and demons have no place here. Get out in the name of Jesus. You have messed with me long enough. I am His. No more depression, gloom you gotta go. In the name of Jesus.” Supernaturally, I started having joy, light heartedness, and the burden of my lost car left me. I kept on talking to Jesus as I cleaned out all my addictive things and took it to the garbage. After a while the cop came, I was completely composed and calm. I filled out the police report. I called my brother the believer telling him “My car was stolen.” He was devastated then I added “its ok because I gave my life to Jesus and now, I have no worries.” He got worried for me thinking it was another hyper religious trip, he was the one who identified me that day in Chicago. I found out later that ever since my first episode he committed to praying for me daily. God answered. I called a friend to take me to work. Within a week my family got together and bought me an ’83 Supra with a doorstop holding up the window. I emptied my life, my calendar and looked up a church in the phone book.
That church became an agent of equipping for new life. I confided in the pastor my second week there and he gave me my first memory verse 1 Corinthians 10:13 to pray back to God when tempted to drink, God wrote an incredible story of repentance from alcohol by that verse. I got victory from weed and cigarettes overnight. I got discipled weekly for nearly 2 years. The bible taught me to replace the footholds and strongholds Satan had through addictions with pillars of Truth. It’s not enough to quit pornography, I needed to replace it with purity. Not my definition of purity, but God’s. He’s the Person that asks me to be that pure, He equips me to live it. By faith there is repentance. God is pleased to help me make changes like that. Therefore, He guides me to victorious living. I learned to fight temptation with the strength of the Holy Spirit, not on my own. I depend on Him, I used to think temptation coming was the same as sinning, instead I learned to talk to God when temptation comes. Temptation is a telephone call to the Lord.
God loves me so much and answers my prayers! He gave me that steadiness of faith day in day by reading the Bible and finding it trustworthy. No longer was it up to me to be super god. I don't guess who God is anymore, or to listen to others tell me who God is. His Word explains himself to me. The Bible is God’s autobiography. As I read it, tested it out, I found it consistent and trustworthy. I once thought truth was based on a person’s vantage point, but no, truth is based on God. Truth, like God, is unchanging and absolute.
As a fatherless kid I was stuck in a merit-based religion leaning on sacraments. God’s forgiveness was a cliffhanger each night. Was I good enough??? But the Bible says nobody’s good enough, there is grace for all at the cross, it's Christ’s merit and works that save -not mine. There is assurance and certainty in God’s forgiveness because God says it over and over. Living with that promise of forgiveness brings no more guilt and condemnation as I walk with Jesus. Jesus brought me into a relationship with the perfect heavenly Father, Jesus calls me his friend. It's no longer I who live but Christ lives in me, by God’s grace I will look more and more like Him.
For a while the spiritual curtain was pulled back and demons had their way in my life. But Jesus who is rich in mercy met me, put me in my right mind, and changed my life. With radical transformation comes great loyalty to my Savior. Jesus heals me, He will heal Anna, He has healed Simon fully. Blessed be the Lord! I don’t doubt because I remember. So, my answered prayer for “faith greater than my sorrow” will last as I abide in Him, until that great day when God promises to put an end to all sorrow. It’s coming, Come quickly Lord Jesus. Thank you Jesus for your rich mercy to me!
love,
Nic
Please Pray for:
-my extended family, as they receive my french letter of faith and hope in Jesus amid our loss. May it grow and encourage their faith.
-Victor's first birthday a week from Saturday. We will be Dedicating him to the Lord at church that night too.
-sleep and rest for Lindsey. Victor is still getting up 2-3 times a night and she is not a good napper.
No comments:
Post a Comment