Uprooting Sin

I went through the ten commandments in Bible study and I got convicted about helping out mom. So today i went and pulled some roots out of the ground chez maman, they were deep, weak and all over. They were the remenants of a thorny bush. So after lots of quiet reflection and unwillingness on my part. I started to apply faith to what i was doing; A deeper meaning for the chore at hand.

I thought how in coming to Christ there we have new life and are changed. But the sin and my life in darkness are still present in the roots. yes I'm forgiven, but its is up to sanctification -the Holy Spirit indwelling to labor with the shovel, pushing aside the earth to attain the roots of my sinful ways. With leverage, force and time one by one the roots of the thorny bush are uprooted. So that the persistant ones cannot resurface and claim slavery on me. There was this one root that my mom attacked with the shovel and me with my hands pulling up on it. suddently, it gave way and we fell on ours behinds. Laughing at how that root just gave way at once and we didn't expect it. Just some observations about what God uproots so we can grow with Him. This makes me think that eternity doesn't start when we die but rather when we have placed our portion of faith in Jesus.

Dare 2 Share Weekend

I just finished chaperoning my youth group at a Dare 2 Share conference at the Pepsi Center. Their mission is to equip youth to share the gospel of Christ to everyone. Some churches call them dare to scare because they feel that they over emphasize evangelism or that youth haven't been grown enough to take that stand. I just think they've never given D2S much of a chance. Its solid from what I see.

I got lots out of it. They had this skit between two girls dressed all Hip-Hop one quoting scripture like an angel of the Lord and the other like a demon. They'd recite verses from the Bible about God, His promises, wrath and Revelation to persuade us the importance of memorizing verses it blew my mind and I was convicted. I enter my battles with sin, Satan and temptation with prayer and hope. But this adds the sword of the Holy Spirit, being the Bible.

Another eye-opener for me was prostration during prayer. Praising God for who He is was done on my feet with out-stretched arms. Petitions are next, seated hands folded head bowed. Lastly confession to Jesus is done on my knees. Interesting method that I think might help section out my prayers.

There was this moment where I (all the youth leaders) and had to place my hand over the youth in my group and pray out loud for them. Talk about putting aside everything and just counting the moment to usher the right words to express God's love for them uniquely. How there is hope in owning a faith in Christ.

The conference then went door to door, All over Denver and collected cans for the Denver rescue mission. The main reason they went was to share the gospel as they went door to door. Intense! We raised 15 tons of canned food. We heard stories of persecution, lives changed and some other awesome stories after. I was really challenged and faced the fact that I have a fear of evangelizing to strangers, similar to the fear I have in living out repentance and not falling again.

The conference speaker asked us to call someone from our seats in the Pepsi Center and share the gospel with them; A friend or family member that doesn’t know Christ. My heart was pounding when I made that call. I got an answering machine but still I left a message and that seed was planted.

Then lots of laughter and praise songs. Jesus rocks my world. They had this shirt that said:
“Fo
‘Given
Fo
‘Sho”

Second Faith Birthday, Discovering Leadership

"Oh how I love Jesus, Oh how I love Jesus, Oh how I love Jesus because He first loved me." Love that hymn. Love has met me in the Agape form (Godly love). It was that day where Christ showed mercy on my first prayer to Him in over a decade. I hope the testimony I live illustrates how God uses sinful, undeserving people to work for Him and receive His grace unconditionally. I submitted my life to Jesus Christ two years ago! It was only fitting that today at Awana we learned about how to ask Jesus for forgiveness from sin. That message of Jesus has sustained me these last two years! Although my mother is starting to admit that this might not be just another one of Nic's phases; I pray that my life rescued by Christ, grown by God doesn't go unnoticed. I mentioned at my "Jesus is invited housewarming party" that it is the people who've known me the longest and have seen the impact of God's changes in me the most that I have the hardest time witnessing to. Conversely, my communities of friends, co-workers, and fellow believers have the hardest time picturing the way I was when I lived a self willed life.

So here I am now. After a stirring lesson/lecture of asking God to use me, "May you not let me rest God until you have placed me according to Your will." I write to you because God has grown me. I am a leader, yeah I do it for a living, I do it with church groups but now I seek out those opportunities to lead. I am going to give a lecture on community in two weeks. In my mind, this is one more thing that will season my service to the Lord and usher me into the nervous unknown (gasp). It's a gift to be a leader and I'm sure not everyone sees that in me... then again, could you see me as an undercover secret shopper either? Similar to that lesson, God places my weakness where I can't ignore them. Maybe I won't be a leader my whole life maybe this is just a season to repair the hell my body and mind went through before.

Nonetheless, I have become more attentive to others in leading. Listening used to be hard for me especially if I was under any narcotics, I enjoy listening now. I think encouragement is the best way to lead. Leading is a way of me loving my neighbors and helps me be others-centered. Courteous delegation is win/win. Leading forces me to think critically about organization, execution, and results. It helps me listen to myself more closely to notice when I grumble, gossip or gas.

All this to say that I'm looking to God to use me. I still pray for guidance, corporate retail will always be corporate retail but I am ever changing and conforming to Christ. I'm fluent in French -its not for nothing. I feel like I’m discovering who I am in the light of God. And I'm trying to be patient yet responsive upon God's call. Tonight's lecture was how Peter stood up, unscripted, perhaps surprising other apostles and he spoke at the Pentecost and 3,000 souls became members of the church. What an awesome passage (Acts chapter 2) about the Holy Spirit using Peter for His glory. What would have happened if Peter didn't stand up?

In Praise Of Jesus

Lord God Your Son, Your Son is here.
Jesus the messiah whom evil does fear.

"Devil get out!" in Christ's name I shout.
No time to reside, no place you can hide.

Inside of me: God dwells, teaches and trains
of His life cut, punctured and drained.

To complete love completely and marry His bride,
Jesus died for His grace to provide.

I count on God's will so I am not still
Lest He requests me for Him to refill.

What i want to do for God is done when i say:
What are You about to do here, on this day.

Tonight I write to dance with the light
of a life of forgiveness, faith, hope and sight.

Humble is next, service and heart.
Still there are setbacks like funky farts.

Nothing like what could have been
If Jesus Christ didn't save me from sin.

Pent-up Repentance

God's here, sovereign over all.

Jesus came to earth to fulfilled laws and prophecies. One that was realized was that someone would announce His arrival. That man was John the Baptist. What a great job he did: "Behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world." John 1:29. That is so encompassing of what Jesus did. I lose sight of this so often because I’m not a Jew. I never payed attention to the one (and only) true God thriving, raising and blessing the Jews all this time. He set up this deal that only by bloodshed is there remission of sin by God. Since He is apart from sin and evil this was the only stamp of God's approval to redeem the Jews. The alter of sacrifice from the Bible just strikes me as this bloody, gory, slaughterhouse with gold as a cutting board. But now place Jesus in there; He is our lamb that grants remission of sins. If Christ wasn't my sacrificial lamb, I would be afraid of every choice I make every second of life.

Jesus didn't just come for His bride, camp Jesus or the lost. He came to redeem all and restore the world. Another thing that was so signature John the Baptist is his slogan "repent for the kingdom of heaven is near." So am I making straight the way of the Lord? Jesus already came and fulfilled John's words. Aren’t John’s words still true? Is the kingdom of heaven near? If so, I should fill out the sandals of John the Baptist -stat. The kingdom of heaven is only getting nearer now. One thing God guarantees a few times in the Bible is: we know not the time of Christ's return. He is God so I guarantee its going down. I can't figure it out, not the day or time, can I ask God for a look-see?

That was the intro. I don't want to rant conversion of Eskimos, ballerinas or pimps. But I do want to talk about the first part of what John says in his slogan "repent". I have repented from a few things, mainly stuff that I just wanted out of my life anyways. I never returned to them and the power of the Holy Spirit is to be praised for that. God's power to enable repentance is so strong that I haven't really tapped into it. I say this because the sins/attitudes I don't want to repent from are still in my life. The Holy Spirit will win in a mighty way. Repenting is intentional and deliberate. it is a choice to change for Jesus' call.

Here's what's I see repentance as: 1, my heart is crying to stop. 2, my mind becomes equipped to deny any justification for doing it/ saying it. 3, confession to Jesus. 5, conversion/cut-off. I think in my mind repentance is like a vow. It is something that needs to be thought of before being engaged, honored, and upheld. There is nothing cyclical about repenting... Just a linear walk with eyes fixed on Christ.

My hang-ups are that I don't equip my mind enough to deny justification. I'm impulsively living during those times. I need to deliberately avoid certain situations that bring the sin/attitude to the table. And in a few difficult instances after dedicating to repenting, months down the road, I break my repentance. the sadness is big when that happens because it was between God and me and He doesn't lack understanding -but I sure do. I'm not about to cheapen what Jesus did for me by thinking I can hide these problems. I know what its like to be used by someone for their own satisfaction, I don't want Jesus to feel that way because I am unrepentant. Jesus died so I can live free from this. So I can be raised a child of God in God's timing. I was asked this week a striking question: "what battle are you enduring that two years ago you would have never been able to face?"

I specifically remember on the day I became a believer praying to Jesus and honestly stating that I will follow Him with all my heart but I was not ready to let go of my addictions and change. I prayed for a steady conversion. Most addictions were gone in the first two months. The more serious central ones that I try and justify are still being loosed. I am so invited to repent with the incredible life my Savior has authored in just two years. These are the battles that two years ago I just couldn't imagine fighting. As in all of my life He will fight for me to gain victory and i will share about it for God's credit.

My faith Birthday is coming up real soon. As the kingdom draws nearer I want to be able to be upright making the way straight for the Lord. And spread some joy along the way.

Via Chicago

My future and past are coming together in Chicago. I just bought a ticket to be in Chicago for five days. This return is overdue considering that I never wanted to leave Chi-town in the first place. Things are good now. I left incredibly ill and am returning to the old places and nooks I missed most. Floods of old memories will happen; I will even visit some friends I left behind and barely keep up with. I will go to the places where my illness was triggered and thank Jesus that His Spirit is in me. Since I used to be tossed and drugged by a great many other spirits.

Five years later, I live with a hope of unshakeable origins: That God the Father loved me enough to reveal Christ to me as king of kings. God the Father loved me enough to accept my submission to Jesus. And God the Father loved me sweetly enough to gift me a new life in the light of His Spirit. So I steady my course and lean on faith through Jesus for direction. I am overjoyed so often it’s hard to remember that it is God who merits all the praises for all the transformation in my life.

If it were up to me to grow, I would still be broken, enchained by my sins which I thought of as solutions. I would praise/marvel at beauty made clear through suffering, embellishing altered states and obsessing over the present moment. Reading books by Bukowski, Sedaris or Selby. That's not life, its a living narrative of shameless "as is" living. To me it was a living death granted by Satan and appealing by submission to temptations. Oh how valuable is Christ’s blood to me in remembering all this deception.

I will see Chicago with new eyes. I will go attend church services in that city and for the first time be praising the Living God. I will see His glory at work in the town where I once tried hard to glorify myself. I just wanted to share the joy I feel in returning to Chicago. I will even get a chance to gain perspective in this Denver life.

Seminary testimony

In sharing and carefully writing this I just knew that i had to share it. I hope it speaks to you all.

If thought and action define who receives God's grace and mercy, then I would be without it. If right and wrongs were carefully tallied and rewarded, I’d be the loser. Truthfully, God wants our faith before any action; He wants our devotion before any gift.
My dad died in an avalanche when I was two on Thanksgiving Day. Throughout my childhood I blamed God for this tragedy. My mom raised four boys as an immigrant in the United States. Often when she was absent I turned to stealing, fighting and cursing. I inherited a dose of the Catholic faith attending church every Sunday. In my teen years, while living in a Catholic orphanage France, I found a version of God that would inspire a departure from the person I was becoming.
The Catholic faith introduced me to a life outside of my own selfish determination. Being surrounded by handicapped people in Lourdes for a pilgrimage spoke to my heart. Now I wanted to own my Catholicism, I took pilgrimages around the world, praying the rosary often, and back in America I thought of being a priest and submerging myself completely into Catholicism. In high school I was in a youth group, youth choir and did retreats. God was working in me, but I wanted to know why I believed in Jesus, and where Mary fit into my life. Inheriting a faith life makes grace and mercy difficult to understand especially when they are hinged on sacraments. Anxiety brewed in me about the uncertainty of forgiveness, the authority of the Pope, and the holiness of priests being vessels of salvation by ministering reconciliation and transubstantiation. Add to that an onslaught of negative sermons measuring sins: which is the worst one? I loathed my sins and believed that there was no guarantee for true forgiveness: I felt that with Jesus I'd end up hating myself.
College taught me original thoughts from humans. Philosophy and art was what I loved. The unseen, almighty God need no longer apply. I stopped going to mass. Shortly after my departure I remember wanting to say a prayer but my mind stopped it. Praying was no longer allowed if I want to be my own-self. Why are we all different if we are all to believe in the same single thing?
I felt so unique from everyone else. This brought me to a huge tolerance of music, politics, travel, and film. Freedom felt eminent and my sins felt good. Highly addicting sins like pornography, cigarettes, alcohol, and marijuana defined me daily. I enjoyed giving into my temptations and darkness was a place of self-discovery. I was a creative writer and a humorous thinker. My mind felt free, my artistic output flourished. Out of this passion grew a unique spirituality I called Existential Optimism. Buddhism and freestyle rhyming over hip-hop beats became my forms of worship to this seeming god of circumstance. I was fearless in exploring the dark side of human kind. I was to love myself completely because I loved my sins also.
When my brother/roommate/best friend Olivier became a believer a Christian trench appeared between us overnight. I hated the Christian thoughts in His head. I had be the bigger man and respect his choice or else he wouldn’t listen to my reasoning. But he was out to convert me, I would cry at his accusations of my way of life, I didn’t criticize his. What Self-righteousness he had to do that to me. I felt no wretchedness, no remorse for my sins; his timing hardened my hatrid for Jesus Christ. I started writing stories for college about our arguments mocking his copout move and his abandonment of self-discovery. Bitterly I satirized religion by creating my own called Nowism based on the alienation of the individual and how mere presence in every moment is reason to believe in god.
By now I really didn't think the Devil existed. Surprisingly sober minded one night, I believed that I had enlightenment and could be a reincarnation of Buddha. So one night I tried to reach Nirvana by fulfilling an obstacle course destined by god to prove my worthiness. It involved rearranging all the energies from every object around me to a positive solution. Frantically placing hot pads in freezers, and washing black clothes with white allowed me to create with the creator. I ran through the city of Chicago finishing my divine course by getting naked and running off a pier into lake Michigan. –I put all my faith in that jump to reach Nirvana. The next day I was arrested for being naked on the streets thinking everybody knew who I was and wanted to kill me. When the police asked me my name, I said I didn't have one. They asked me the time, I said that time did not exist.
I spent a month in a mental hospital diagnosed with form Schizophrenia and bi-polar. But the Christians closest to me knew it was a demonic possession. I convulsed as my friends and family prayed over me so that Jesus would reclaim the ownership of mind, body and soul.
A year after hospitalization my sins grew to include gambling, premarital sex, harder drugs and not loving myself. Satan intoxicated my thinking to convince me that I was second coming of Jesus Christ able to grant salvation and enrich the poor. I was instantly eternal and sent to solve the problems of the world and receive millions of dollars at any moment. This blaspheming lead to me tear up a Bible, urinate uncontrollably and return to the mental hospital two more times. After the mental hospital trips, I lived for three years, isolated, self-medicated depression, loathing, angry and lost.
The day I submitted all my trust and faith to Jesus Christ started out like a normal Friday except I watched Tyler Perry's “I Can Do Bad All By Myself.” A play on DVD recommended to me by my brother. One character in the play was so devastated at the evil that was tearing that family apart, she sang and rebuked Satan in the name of Jesus Christ, rattling the magazines, throwing the pillows, repeating "the Devil has no place in this house, go, get out in the name of Jesus." This is a striking scene for me considering my past belief in objects having energy. As I went to work, I turned the corner of my apartment building to see that my car had been stolen. After a cigarette, I returned to the apartment, called work, and dialed the police... As I waited I got down on my knees in my bedroom, closed my eyes and said:
"I forgot how to pray, but dear Jesus I can't do this, this weight is too much. Jesus I remember in the Bible You saying that You lift up burdens and give light ones. Well this is for you to take please, I'm not deserving. Jesus I give you my soul, please forgive me and take all that I am. I have failed on my own."
After, I went to each room in my apartment shook stuff up, and demanded that the Devil and his evil spirits be cast out in the name of Jesus Christ, who is Lord forever and owner of this space. The following days Satan tried to convince my mind that I never gave my life to Jesus, that that moment didn't happen. However, I had no car as the point of assurance. On November 10, 2006 I became a believer in Jesus and a member the Body of Christ.
I found Red Rocks Fellowship in the Yellow pages in time for Thanksgiving Sunday. On May 5, 2007 I gave my testimony in front of the congregation bringing all this to light. I was baptized at Red Rocks Fellowship on August 8, 2007. It was there that I became convinced of the connectedness of Christians to one another in the body of Christ. Praying for people I've never met was humbling and awesome. It was vital in knowing that I am no longer to live for myself.
Christ is the only center in God’s plan. My commitment to follow Christ starts with His indwelling Holy Spirit in my. In asking for mercy I lift my sin up in prayer and insist that Christ has forgiven it no matter my falls. Cravings once thought as insurmountable until death like cigarettes, gambling, and illegal drugs, are sins that were torn from me overnight. Others like drinking and lust require sanctification, prayer, and accountability in order to gain victory. I hate my sin, and all that I did to defy Jesus on my own.
My brain's detective work, my self-discovering, my search for truth was solved the day God accepted my faith in Jesus. My commitment to the Bible consists of an eager willingness to learn and obey its teachings. The Holy Spirit has blessed me to understand the Word like never before. It comes to life before me filling me with deep thoughts and awe and wonder. It is good for my soul to read the Word and not edit it. I’m eager and attentive during sermons –this is God we’re talking about. Not just ideas.
My heart is healing through God’s changes within me. Mega blessings have come my way such as a cheap home, a computer and promotions at work. My super sweet 83’ Celica is a reminder of God’s provision and the day I said yes to Christ’s deliverance from my sin. My continuation of commitment in Christ means that I'm going public professing to all that from now on I'm going to trust and turn to Christ with whatever happens to me.
When I first believed, the dam holding me tearless for years burst open and mercy sprung fourth. Jesus’ love for me was so emotive. I cried out of shame, regret and joy daily. The mockery and slander of Jesus Christ is over. My sin is exhausted. The brain washings by Satan are at the feet of Jesus. Jesus’ blood means that I am dearly loved by the Father. My schizophrenic illnesses are mere embarrassments of lifelessness without Jesus.
Seeing God’s will unfolding has brought tremendous meaning in my life. Giving God the total credit for all my successes is a delight I can live with. I’m filled with wonder about the life God has prepared for me. I’m still amazed that forgiveness is a certainty I can believe in!
This new creation that God has set apart, now prays on his knees. I worship the eternal Father without jealousy or envy like when I was sick. I serve in the high school youth group. I’m fed at my young adult groups. I am a tither, a Compassion kid sponsor. I floss my teeth and like how I look. I’m a leader at work. I stand up for what is right. I read the Bible everyday. I serve as I can and say yes to God’s calling me. Is it seminary? I don’t know. In learning His will I can find that out. I have rebuked poor fellowship. I have failed at evangelism. I have sinned and used the blood of Jesus daily. I still have a long way to go as a Christian worshiper. If I speak out of confidence, know that it is only Jesus who does this. My spiritual identity is in Him. My recommitment to God is constant as He elected me for service a year and 7 months ago.
Seminary shapes diligence in knowing God’s good and pleasing will. In hindsight, I look at what I did with my free will the presence of sin and evil: the Lord can do with me as He likes. My call is to be that recovered vessel that Jesus let live. Christ’s truth mixed with my servant efforts will help actualize increased obedience and joy.
As I read the suggested passages to asses my spiritual gift(s) Ephesians 4:13 caught my eye. If a gift is defined as a work in progress then this will do. Verses 11 and 12 are the first part of a run-on sentence that concludes in 13. Verses 12b into 13 says “so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.”(NIV) If that’s not a gift of the Spirit I don’t know what is.
Since asked about gifts in my possession, this introspection is difficult. I hope I didn’t choose a taboo gift or misunderstand what it means to distinguish between spirits. My past has made me learn (through my most broken spots) about the deception of spirits and how to distinguish them in contrast to the Holy Spirit’s work. Outwardly, I’ve been to evil places, seen energy in inanimate objects, was comforted by idols. Inwardly I have observed in my speech, creativity, action, dreams and thoughts what comes from a self-hoarded spirit, an intrusive evil spirit vs. that which is good, gentle and of God. Christ chose to redeem me. By Jesus I have no fear of these deceiving spirits. They are out cast and not welcome in my life. That is how I am able to distinguish spirits in the context of my life. Within others I’m not so sure.
My truest, simplest gift of the Spirit is teaching. I have compassion by the grace of God to relate to youth. Since the New Year, I have volunteered with the youth. I see them one foot in, and one foot out of a God-willed life and a self-willed life. I am a committed volunteer in student ministry at my church. It feeds me in accountability and challenges me to explain the seriousness of sin and the priceless unmatchable gift of Jesus Christ. I initiate the activities and challenge the prayer life of the group. I have led the middle school group and the young adult group through assigned curriculums a handful of times. I have a one on one discipleship that gives way to spiritual growth and a Christ-like example of love and encouragement. I have not preached to any group. I have shared the Gospel with about thirty of the broken non-Christians in my life. I’ve learned many lessons from this especially about how God is the one doing the turning to Jesus. Truthfully too I’ve been in situations where I felt like hiding the light God has declared me to be. I’m still forgiven, free and dearly loved by God through His Word, His Son and His plans for me.