Redeeming Grief

 Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

It's been a blessing to camp out in the book of Ruth. Much like camping, I freed up my schedule and took my time reading. Similar to the beauty in nature, God's beautiful Words made Himself a place of refuge again for me nourishing me. I'm sure I will reread those four chapters again soon because it speaks well to me in my grief. I recommend, if you are not familiar with the book of Ruth in the Bible to read it before reading the rest of this email. 

 

It's no shocker that I have been paying attention to mourning in the Bible, looking at passages of grief and lament more closely. The account of Naomi is probably one of the most stand-out and comforting passages I have come across. 

 

Like Job, Naomi's loss was far greater than mine. Job took a high road in his lamenting, always eager to hear from God to bring purpose to his suffering. However, it is in Naomi that I see a more "real", fleshly, human road through sorrow. Naomi seemed to lack the expectation that God is pursuing her, or purposing her suffering. She had the clear feeling of being let down by God, expecting misery to be her company the rest of her days. She even goes so far as to assume she is cursed. Naomi went away from the Promised Land with her family of four. She returned empty with a foreigner, wanting to be called Mara instead which means "bitter". She even told Ruth, “My life is too bitter to share." also despairing: "the Almighty has afflicted me." Naomi spends great effort pushing people away, during her grief and no doubt she sees her life as over. 

 

Naomi, like many mourners, has grossly underestimated God's grace. Her bitterness was a lens preventing her from seeing hope and redemption. Thankfully God encircled Naomi with her daughter-in-law Ruth. Who also suffered loss but wanted to be loyal and present for Naomi as she moved back to Bethlehem. Amazingly Ruth grasps onto Naomi, giving of herself. Ruth listened, followed Naomi’s instruction and endured in a foreign land. She had nothing to gain except caring for Naomi, what an example of love.  

 

As I read onward, I was blessed to think of this as a simile. My family is like Naomi, our church family and family have been like Ruth. Ruth was not going anywhere, she brought the food, remained loyal, and gave kind words. God used Ruth to lift up Naomi's head again and again. God used Ruth as a means for love, comfort and provision for Naomi's practical needs. But Ruth could only do so much. 

 

As the short book unfolds, Boaz is like Jesus. This is the landowner who ate with his hired hands, ensured Ruth’s safety as she picked in his field and made good on his words. He cared that the poor should eat. He knew about Ruth and was struck by how kind and loving Ruth was to Naomi.

 

Ruth returns from gleaning grain in Boaz's field. But it's Naomi who comes alive in remembering God's best for His people. It's Naomi who realizes that Boaz is eligible to be her family’s kinsman-redeemer. She arranges that Ruth would be put in the pathway of that blessing. In further parallel to Christ, Boaz obeys the Israelite law, fulfills it in regards to redeeming the land and the family. Doing exactly what he said he would do. Boaz is the promise keeper and redeemer of Elimelech’s family (Naomi’s deceased husband). 

 

This story ends with Naomi living up to her name which means “pleasant”. She is seen holding and caring for her grandchild through the union of Boaz and Ruth. God did it! She never imagined having, holding and loving a grandchild. That’s grace to her from God.

 

 Phew what a picture of restoration for a grieving person to hold onto. Naomi knew what Boaz could do, likewise we must know what Jesus alone is qualified to do, and ask Him to do it for us, namely the forgiveness of our sins and reconciliation with the Father. For those walking in similar shoes, dealing with loss. I can testify that it is our church family and family acting like Ruth that has ministered God’s grace to us. Allow Jesus to be Jesus, the church to be the church, your pastor to shepherd you, and the fellow believers to minister via the fruit of the Spirit.

 

Please pray:

- that Christ, like Boaz, would restore life and lavish grace on our family.

-for our night of worship at our house tonight (Oct 31^st ) . To redeem the time with the “Ruths” God has given us. These families were mere acquaintances before the death of Simon and now they have been serving us and sacrificing themselves for us for months now. We have a little activity to honor the memory of Simon, that should be sweet.

-for Wednesday as we meet with a Christian family grief counselor to gain wisdom and guidance about raising Renee.

 

A Poem:

 I feel that Jesus is working on my heart with the balm of Scripture.

I see the foundation of Christ holding our marriage through sorrow. 

I hear whispers of the Holy Spirit speaking to Renee over her feelings. 

I smell the pleasing aroma of sacrifice the saints make to support our family.

I taste heaven and eternity right off of the cooling rack of death.

 

Thanks for Praying and being a Ruth to us,

 

Nic, Lindsey, Anna, Renee, Victor

Knowing Jesus and Feeling Heavy of Heart

Prayer Warriors,

We dearly miss Simon’s lead and example at bedtime. Renee followed Simon and loved his little bedtime rituals more than I did. They ran around in pajamas, eating a bunch of raw veggies and fruit because dinner didn’t “taste good”, they often helped our nurse in doing Anna’s care plan, and if they were wound-up just right they’d jump on the couch too. Bedtime now recalls only an impression of those things that once were so common.  My hope is that the Lord will fill Renee with new bedtime rituals that she will impart to Victor as effectively as Simon did with his.

At bedtime Renee has a list of excuses to not settle down. If daddy is putting her down, she asks for Mommy and vice versa. The next trick is the cup of water, then the need to pee. After comes story time, it’s impossible to skip story time!  Renee asks for the same story reread three times as she clutches onto her blanket tighter than before. Then onto another book reread three times. Her mind races as her limbs are restless beneath a weighted blanket. As I turn off the light, she continues to move incessantly while chewing on her blanket. She remains inappropriately loud with ideas; Renee talks about things make-believe, like her purple house and her kids. Every so often she will even find a creative reason for me to turn on the light again.

I have learned that once Renee insists and I deny her, no matter the consequence she will proceed to insist, she doesn’t relent. What’s new is reaching a melt-down point. She loses control of her feelings due to being so fixated on her desire. Then Renee will act out in screaming and flailing around, taking 10-15 minutes for her to calm down. I feel I am bending over backwards to help her to fall asleep. When Renee finally does flip that switch into dreamland it is sudden and the teeth grinding is soon to follow. She sleeps well once asleep but bedtime remains an emotional tempest.  

Pray for wisdom, speak up if you know firsthand how to help shepherd a child through loss or PTSD.  I feel like we should not lighten up the discipline, however Lindsey helps me see what non-verbal, post-trauma grief can be as experienced by a 3-year-old. Lindsey challenges me to see these patterns and to forebear them rather than discipline my way through them. It irks me especially when I am so tired as well and the bedtime routine turns into a two-hour ordeal.  

It is the Lord, through this hardship with Renee, that has shown me that the death of a loved one is a heart battle. Renee creates her own bedtime scenario with her heart, utilizing only the words and behaviors she feels. I instruct her often to “make good choices” or “don’t lead with your feelings.” Only to ask myself if I abide by that advice in my grief.  Losing beloved Simon caused my heart to break. How can I guard my heart and keep it tender before Yahweh? I am convinced that Satan loves how death and mourning are taboo subjects, prone to isolate the bereaved.  I see some people that loved Simon wading in loss as it gives way to despair; at best, they are doggie paddling through heartbreak. They avoid checking in with us, struggling alone, band-aided by “could have’s”, “should have’s”, “would have’s”; perhaps a dysfunctional type of idol is being hoisted up from within, bitter, stiff-hearted with no consolation.

Relational Jesus, my kind, good, Shepherd King, the victor over death, offers me swimming lessons to move effectively through the tides of cold heartbreak; As I read His Word, He’s teaching me strokes to straighten my swim in the sorrow, bringing a ministry of healing into my heart.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

 

Looking around I see it’s not just in death that my heart wants to lead but in many matters. I hear my heart demanding things get done in my timeframe, not God’s. Before conversion, I wired myself to let my heart lead my decisions, observations, and mood, I messed things up. My actions become wildly hard to handle with thoughts departing from truth and self-centeredness in the driver’s seat. My senses were kings to be obeyed. As an artist back in the day that type of heart leading was my go-to.

 

I don’t think God is asking me to ignore what my heart feels either. My heart is a big part of this journey. When a prayer warrior replies it often brings me joy and encouragement. My heart and mind are open to the counsel of people who have walked with Jesus through similar suffering, or walked with Him longer than me. I feel equipped by the many books that wisely contribute stories of walking in the valley of the shadow of death with eyes fixed on the Lord. My heart is in full swing when I show care and concern for what my bride expresses and desires. I resonate fully, with a warm heart when she tells me: “I wasn’t done loving him.” In faith I ask, let it be said of me like it was said of Asa:

“Asa’s heart was fully committed to the Lord all his life.” 2 Chronicles 15:17

I want Jesus more than I want my son back. In Him I get both!! This love and faith I have placed in Jesus, His living in me, and promises that He supplies in the Bible that fill my mind with words and actions amid the loss of Simon. It’s tempting to let my heart led then I will look more like Renee at bedtime, losing control of my feelings due to being so fixated on my desire. Instead I’m hopeful in Christ.

Praise the Lord for:

-Our new night nurse who just finished her first week of work with us. This is answered prayer at its finest, Alleluia. We went just one week without a nurse (the last time we needed one it took 9 months).

-Continued strengthening of Anna post op. We have her follow-up with the surgeon a week from Monday. Things are on the mend.

-Victor keeping us on the edge of our seats as we try and spot his first steps, he is on the cusp!

-Genuine, ongoing check-ins with brothers and sisters in Christ who were acquaintances and are now key players in encouraging us regularly.

 

Please Pray for:

-Wisdom and grace for guiding Renee. That her belief in the Lord would guide her attitude and feelings.

-Rest at night and refreshing for the road ahead for each of us.

-Mercy, love, and guidance as we map out the holidays and offer our plans up to God.

-Marital unity as we seek what the Lord has prepared for us. 

-Guidance regarding Anna's schooling and care as we are back to square one after trying different things. 

-God to strengthen us in seeking His joy

With Love,

Nic

Grief on the go, Comfort Ye, Helping Anna, and Sprouting Goodness

Dear Prayer Warriors, 

 Grief on the Go

God instructs us (His children) to mourn with those who mourn. Thank you for those who mourn with me and my family. My mourning becomes more and more impacted by our day-to-day needs and plans. I have less time to be still by Simon’s headstone. Less time to contemplate "what are you teaching me Lord?" Less time to rest with work in full swing. But there remains much to experience in our loss of Simon and I am up for it because the Lord has seen it as good for me to endure this, and He is faithful to equip me because I have way more than I can handle right now. The memory of Simon seeps into the cracks of my days unplanned, whereas before I made room, anticipated the lamenting, the remembering, and drawing on Jesus for strength. It’s similar to the onset of light-headedness, something quickly makes me think of him, I stop what I’m doing, breathe, hold onto something and remember my lovely Simon. Even as I straighten up the arts and craft aisle at work, I welcome the memory of him and all the associations that bring him to mind. Then I thank God for Simon and how much he enjoyed making crafts and art. Lastly, the moment ends with me wondering how he would have painted this plaster T-Rex I put back in its place. It’s not a nightmare to remember Simon’s precious presence. It’s a blessing I thank God for.

 

I have grown in praise of the Lord my Shepherd who shepherded me through the trauma of Simon’s death and funeral with a steadfast faith, what grace! Amid trauma there is desperation to experience the nearness of God. I know I have been led by the Holy Spirit in this valley, He met me in my desperation and transformed that desperate longing into assurance of His Lordship over all of this.

 

Comfort Ye

Prayer warriors are near the top of fellow mourners. The Beatitudes promise that God comforts those who mourn. Therefore, I hope God uses these entries and ongoing prayer requests as comfort to those who mourn with us. Not to puff me up, but to showcase Jesus Christ as Lord over my precious family, the giver of everlasting hope, the God of all comfort. My 5 year plan now includes this verse:

 

 ^“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-7

 

Helping Anna

“In the 39^th year of his reign Asa was afflicted with a disease in his feet. Though his disease was severe, even in his illness he did not seek the help from the Lord, but only from the physicians.” (2 chronicles 16:12).  This verse was a comfort to me amid Anna’s surgery this week. I am humbled to think of all the prayer that has gone into Anna and in treating her disabilities through the years. We’ve always called upon our Father before any of her physicians. There are far more prayer warriors than physicians on Anna’s case! Even so, I confess, this time around it was particularly tempting for me to not ask for prayer. The surgery was scheduled as "outpatient", I already asked for prayer ten days ago when she got that oral surgery, and I don’t want to exacerbate people of prayer with “minor” things given our journey through mourning. This verse reminds me to seek Him no matter how small I perceive Anna’s need.

 

It's hard to be with Anna on surgery days, she doesn’t hide her feelings. On arrival she is adorned with her twinkling blue eyes, smiling cheeks filled with joy, always showing the best of her ability to everyone. Her excitement cannot be appeased from all the attention she is getting. Then post surgery, she wakes with a heavy look unsure of crying or going back to sleep. Our two hour return home went smoothly. Now 48 hours out, she continues to improve, showing signs of her personality resurfacing. She is on scheduled Oxy, Advil, and Tylenol. After 3 days we will ween off of the Oxy.

 

Another challenge we didn’t see coming is that our night nurse for more than a year needed to change assignments to dayside immediately. Upon hearing the news, I just started singing Great is Thy Faithfulness and said to myself God’s got this, He sees us! Nurse Daddy in da house. I requested 3 days off of work to care for Anna during the night as she needs meds every 3 hours. I’m blessed to squeak in a little prayer update as I watch my precious daughter sleep on a monitor. Please pray for the upcoming days and nights as I start work again on Monday, and remain on night duty until the Home Health Care Company can provide another nurse for our case.

Goodness Sprouting

-Guys, let's praise God! A couple of families reached out to us and are hopeful to help with our Tuesday night date night request. We may not get to weekly right away, but praise the Lord, I am super encouraged to be backed by such care and concern.

-I witness the good sprouting up from God using us for His purpose. One of my pastors came up to me eagerly the other day and said he officiated a funeral for a person who was buried next to Simon. My pastor said that he was able to share Simon’s story with a bereaved boy who was there for burial. The boy was reading Simon’s headstone and realizing how young Simon was. I asked my pastor if he told him how much Simon loved and trusted Jesus. He said with a huge smile “Yes and that Simon is with Jesus forever.”

 

Please pray for:

-Another full time night nurse of God’s choosing who loves Anna like this last one did.

-Anna’s continued recovery that her wounds heal miraculously well.

-marital unity and communication, time for sharing our hearts and time to pray together.

-our family to be a comfort in the Lord to others one day as we have received such comfort.

-more singing unto the Lord in our home.

To God be the Glory,

 

Nic      

 

Circumstantial Faith May Fail but Jesus Won't

 

Dear Prayer Warriors,

 

Many people believe that if there is a God, He has to be able to do anything He wants. So, when we prayed fervently with fasting for deliverance, healing, and resurrection many onlookers were interested, “is their God who they call “Father” going to do it?” Surely if He were to ever heal someone Simon would be a great candidate, especially because he loved Jesus.

 

 In truth, it pleased God that there was a remarkable amount of people watching our circumstances. Medical teams from three hospitals, two helicopters, and an ambulance were eye-witnesses watching. With experts like that, man, God could really increase His medical missionaries and do great good everywhere. Couldn’t a spiritual revival start at a hospital? I confess, as we persisted in praying for life for Simon, given his prognosis, I daydreamed about souls that would be won for Christ all because of Simon’s miraculous healing. I prayed that not just Simon but that every kid in a hospital bed at Children’s Hospital Colorado would be healed and the place emptied! And all the doctors leave Colorado to join Mercy Ships. It was my faith that drove me to think like that, my belief. The circumstances didn’t play out the way I wanted. The way we hoped and prayed.

 

However, a few prayer emails ago I shared how circumstances on November 10^th 2006 played out far greater than the way I hoped and prayed. That was the day I reconsidered who Jesus was and what He did according to the Bible. From that point on, I have experienced a radical healing and transformation. I thank the Lord for “God moments” or circumstances that cut me to the core and lead me to depend on the cross of Christ.

 

In growing (and by paying attention at church), I found that faith isn’t lived out by on experience after another. Having only circumstantial faith would require going from crisis to crisis and they would all need to end just the way I want it in order for me to keep believing. If my faith was purely circumstantial, what happened to my son would have heaped blame on God, and likely severed my relationship with Him. Not getting what I hoped and prayed for just confirms that I am not God, nor is God my genie.

 

Some people look at our circumstances and assess it; these people wonder how God could allow Simon's death to happen. The Currat’s already have Anna. Wasn’t she the one who was supposed to die first? How can God be in control, how can there be a God that allows this? Why?

 

Deliverance from hardship is not God’s priority, magnification of Himself is. Much like I learned a few years back that God is more interested in saving souls and reconciling Himself to mankind than He is in healing Anna fully. He can do both, but His plan for salvation comes first. What’s mysterious is that Jesus asks His children to lead the charge in His most paramount purpose. That is hard to accept given His omnipotence. In my painfully small understanding, it makes perfect sense that God ought to do a twofer by healing Anna and letting many people see her healed to woo people to Himself. There are several healings Jesus did in the Bible that happened for the glory of God and people believed Jesus because they saw. Do it again God! I still pray for full healing, because God asks us to persist in asking for the things that are according to His will.

 

Since circumstantial faith could leave me to falling away. It’s important that you know that my faith is in the Person of Jesus. My faith may be played out in circumstances and experiences in order to glorify my heavenly Equipper and Supplier. I have a great confession of dependance. I have a small faith that, by God’s grace, remains continuously to be fixed on Jesus and in the good soil of His Word. Jesus is the only God I know of that wants and asks to meet with me every day. Only Jesus claims 100% total empathy in my trials. He is Emmanuel, which means God with me. Then on top of it all, He decides to be my mediator (priest) between the Father and me. In His humanity He knows exactly how I feel, how each of us feels, He sees us, that is His unique qualification!

 

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:14-16

 

 

Try Him as your Shepherd in your “time of need” if you haven’t. Please keep reading these and praying for us, be our witness for the long haul. I know that the answers to our prayers, and His equipping of our family will give greater glory to God. The Lord is good and will be glorified in a way that supersedes the miraculous healing of Simon and Anna in His timeline -not mine. He will heal Anna, that great day is coming.    

 

Praise God for:

-continuous, steadfast availability of Jesus to be our mediator no matter the circumstance.

-the power of the Holy Spirit to fill us in monotonous days with His Word and grace.

-Anna’s adult teeth coming in unimpeded.

-Simon Emmanuel Currat’s life and death and afterlife with Jesus

-Using His children to share the good news of forgiveness and peace with God

 

Please Pray for:

-Anna’s surgery to remove her two hip brackets, scheduled for this coming Friday. Pray for pain management, great skill and care from the Surgeon. Pray that her left leg would no longer be turned inward, for a quick recovery. Also pray against infection

-Below is picture of Anna's bracket, two of those will be removed lord willing. 

- Pray for a Tuesday night babysitter. We have people that watch our kids as needs arrive like surgery, praise God for that. But I am looking to date my bride regularly, I haven't been steady in going steady. I don’t want to count on those same people to watch regularly because we might lose them for the bigger chunks. We are glad to pay as it would bless that person. it’s a good gig with some sweet kids, in a cluttered house.

-continued fruit in our grieving and turning to Jesus.

 

Sincerely,

 

Nic for the Currat’s

 

I Never Wanted This

Dear Prayer Warriors, 

In my heart I hear Jesus repeat "I never wanted this", not just for me or for my family. He showed "I never wanted this" to Mary and Martha as they grieved the loss of their brother. God, who is just, gave mankind the consequence of death because of our sins. God made the world sinless, so with every human death God increases in His longsuffering by watching our consequence play out. He calls death His last enemy. in Christ there is a swallowing up of death into victory! But also, the Man of Sorrows weeps with those who mourn, whispering "I never wanted this." Gaining a godly perspective on death has been so important. Those that have sent us books and prayed have this same hope: that we would take a hold of a godly perspective and not miss the mark by Satan's deceptions. Thank you. By God's grace, we hope in the Lord, seek joy, and desire to hear from Him. 

Two mornings ago, I was sharing a cup of coffee with my mother-in-law Sandy before anyone else was up. As we were talking I remembered another instance where Jesus whispered to me "I never wanted this.'' I told Sandy about my teenage memories of the Philippines where I saw total poverty. I visited the trashdump of Manila where thousands of people lived at that time. It was called Smokey Mountain. However, I had money. I flew on planes, toured, stayed in a luxury casino and left after ten days or so. I remember a profound sense of how unjust and angry the issue of poverty made me feel. I naively wanted to trade places just to make it right in my head. Was God the god of Smokey Mountain? Years later, I did a research paper on what the Bible says about poverty. During the process, as I dug, I heard the voice of Jesus saying "I never wanted this."

Simon never wanted people to be homeless, hungry, hopeless, or unloved either. He wanted to do something about it! Given my loss, I find it appropriate to ask myself "what did Simon teach me or point to?" Certainly love for the poor is at the top of that teaching. I am reminded of God's heart for the poor tonight.

Praise the Lord for:

-Victor’s birthday and dedication was a joy. Like the infant Samuel in the old testament who was “returned” to the Lord, offered up, back to God for His purposes. How great did his life turn out? May Victor be a mighty man of God, a conqueror in “oh the blood of Jesus it washes white as snow.”

-my return to full time work, with Lindsey lifting up our kids and loving them through these days. 

-an uneventful recertification for Anna on a medicaid waiver.

-Anna's rescheduled for the hip surgery on friday september 30.

 

Please Pray for:

-God to give me His love for the poor. To help me see them as He sees them.

-Anna’s outpatient surgery/dental work under general anesthesia this morning (Wednesday the 14th). It is always difficult because we tell her "we are going to put you to sleep and take out your teeth." and still there is this element of surprise. May God comfort her, give her peace, and encourage her through this.  Pray she would wake without the need of prolonged oxygen, pray for the blood and pain to be managed well. She is having several teeth removed. May God bring in those adult teeth uniformly as Anna is beautiful!

-God’s leading to move Grandma and Grandpa Bradbeer closer to us. They are eager to help, pray they sell their house and that God would lead them to another house where He wants them to move. 

-guidance and the Lord’s will for our journey. Pray that God would bless us and encourage us as we dearly miss Simon Diamond.

thank you,

Nic for the Currats

Love for the Brokenhearted

Dear Prayer Warriors,

Not to brag, but I just got done with a hot date, we held hands over the table, outlasted the tables around us, and shared a rack of ribs. We made each other laugh a bit, we talked about our relationship with the Lord, and our impressions of the changes in us. It was much needed. We exchanged which parts of our day reminded us of Simon. Mine was ordering the pizza for our babysitters. Call me cheap but I always ordered carry out instead of delivery. Now I’m glad because I have dozens of memories with Simon watching the pizza chefs and picking up those savory pizza. I confess I never had a quarter for the dusty gumball machine in the corner that he always requests we try. Maybe I’ll get a gumball next time in Simon’s honor. Also, I remember, along the way, Simon always offered his list of “top 5 best pizzerias”. The local chain Blackjack’s was always at the top! Whether it's Blackjack’s or date night, there is joy in the journey with or without Simon because God encircles me with His love. 

 

I haven’t written much about being brokenhearted. It’s true I am; my heartbreak is losing my son. On his new album, TobyMac wrote about the loss of his son. One of my favorite lyrics is “God has you in heaven, but I have you in my heart.” The Bible says God is near to the brokenhearted. Since He is near me, I desire to listen carefully. Not just focusing on the mourning or on the moving forward, but right now, in these moments and days. What is God using in my circumstances to minister His love to me?

 

 

 This weekend it was church! I caught up with a lovely couple sitting in the row in front of me minutes before church began. I hadn’t seen them since the beginning of summer -they didn’t know. I saw their hearts break as shock hit their face and I shared my loss. I was caught off guard because most everyone I know, knew. I couldn’t help but weep as the service started. They said “We got no words!” I said, “Thanks, I will see him again.” We shared joyful nods. Then my buddy who I was with proudly stated “It might be soon too.” Expressing our hope in Christ’s return. To me, my friends' add-on at the end was akin to God being near to my broken heart. Sadness comes and then a blessed thought swoops in just because God loves me and cares. Praise the Lord! It was refreshing to think that God could reunite me to Simon without passing through death, wow. I took it as a great encouragement, and worshipped in tears as the service began. It was fitting that we sang the song with the lyric I wrestled with last month “He’ll never let me down.” Literally God is not letting me down out of His arms. Jesus is close to this broken heart!

 

But there was more for this broken-hearted father to glean during that church service. We listened to our shepherd choose to preach the Word amid his trials. His weeks have been ladened with difficulty both for himself and his bride, yet he modeled staying in the Word and prayer to each of us. That’s his assignment from God, he did that just by standing up. The sermon convicted me of my walk with God, to respond and act. I was convicted of procrastination and its similarity to disobedience. If God puts something on my heart to do, I should do it! More precious still in Joshua 20 was the depiction of the Goel Haddam the avenger of blood. This description in the Old Testament points to Jesus in two ways, as redeemer (the Lamb) and avenger of innocent blood (the Lion). All this to say I was comforted, ministered to, and God drew near me as promised. 

 

It humbles me to think that as a couple, my pastor and his wife ministered to Lindsey and I when they did. They came to Simon’s hospital bed to speak life, pray and sing with us in the Springs and in Aurora. We also had another pastor and his wife do the same, and the children’s church leader. I know all the pastors and their families at my church served us, interceded, and showed caring selflessness. It reminds me of all you prayer warriors, praying during this long haul too. God uses His Church to be near the brokenhearted. Hallelujah.

 

Please pray for: 

-Wisdom and organization for the annual recertification of Anna’s Medicaid status on Monday. Lots to prepare, we are so blessed by this coverage. Every year they check to make sure she is still a spastic quadriplegic, visually impaired, epileptic, speechless girl… but God looks at the heart. Let’s pray for the day she would fail recertification!

-Renee. There has been this growing anxiousness in her shown by a clinginess and questions like “when will you be back?” Or “When will we wake up.” She will keep a nervous gaze while rubbing her blanket raw. Pray for her heart to be led by two parents who are patient, and observe well what she needs.

-Victor’s birthday and dedication to be a glorious event this Saturday. To envision Victor being born again and one day meeting Simon in heaven! Amen 

-Increased rest and strength for Lindsey as the demands of our days are many. 

-my writing projects. I was cut to the core at church when considering that I have been procrastinating on two things God laid on my heart to write about a year ago. May I put the football season on hold if I need to find time to write.  

-Pray for the Lord to overwhelm us with His love so we can love Him and others better. 

 

Thank you,

The Currats

God's Biography of Me

 

Dear Prayer Warriors,

My reflections on the last two months keep me encircled on one answer to prayer, that God would give me a faith greater than my sorrow. I remember the Holy Spirit whispering it to me through the form of a prayer request the week after the hospital. It has become a reliable hope through the funeral, in sharing our story, a hope in returning to work and even for the future. In order for me to believe that God would answer this prayer, I have to recount His goodness and reliability in answering my past prayers. Since there have been many new readers and prayer warriors, I wanted to share how I’ve come to trust Jesus with my life more than myself.

 

What does faith look like? The Bible says “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”  I have hope and evidence of Jesus as my Savior. I didn’t always have that.

 

I grew up fatherless, French, and frustrated in Colorado. My mother raised 4 boys and once I got out of hand I was sent to boarding school in France. I rebelled greatly, but became interested in being a Catholic priest in the hopes of curbing that. In high school my social circle revolved around my parish. Unfortunately, so did my understanding of forgiveness. As I grew in sin, and repetition of sin hypocrisy took root. I wanted to be like Jesus but fell in my sins daily. The sacrament of penance (which is the practice of private confession of sins to a priest and the receiving of absolution) was no match for my guilty conscience perpetually mocking me because I didn’t measure up to who I wanted to emulate. There is no certainty of forgiveness, of right standing with God.

 

College was a fresh start. I started by kicking God out of my life, refusing to pray when my heart wanted to and choosing to love all of me. I no longer desired to fight my temptations but to embrace them. I didn’t believe in good vs evil or in sins. Life and faith became what I wanted it to be. Everyone’s got a moral compass and mine’s been a little uptight because of religion. So loosening it became my idol. I embraced what I used to call sin. I mocked religion by creating my own, a god of my conveniences ruled and it was exhilarating for my senses. I lived to worship the present moment.

 

I went to film school and graduated in fiction writing, my output as a writer was manic. Pride and exploring the spirit world were my thematic obsessions. I became spiritual but not religious, a la carte picking from many religions what suits me.  After a trip to Japan where I spent time parading around shrines containing statues of demons depicted by exceptionally talented artists and hung out in temples with gold Buddah’s towering 50-100 feet above me, my mind and my writing started to take off literally. So much so that I lost all acceptance of reality and stepped into what doctors call a psychotic episode. Sounds boring but it was fun; come to find it was critical for me to do this for the sake of the entire human race.

 

I became the last reincarnation of the Buddha sent to break the yin yang balance. I did a sort of spiritual obstacle course one night by cleverly arranging objects in a certain manner (as all objects have spiritual energy or so I thought). Climaxing with me reaching Nirvana by spontaneously combusting during a naked leap of faith off of Chicago’s Belmont harbor. I did all these things soberly with great success except for disappearing into Nirvana so treaded water till sunrise. The next morning, in uptown rush hour traffic I’m naked again. The police come and ask me my name and the date. I said “I have no name and that time did not exist.” My brother who’d given his life to Jesus two years prior filed a missing person’s report and they matched the description to this John Doe under surveillance at Illinois Masonic Hospital ER. My brother came and identified me.

 

The next two years included two more psychotic episodes amid being on antipsychotics and mood stabilizers for a Schizoaffective diagnosis. These episodes came with greater hyper religious delusions of grandeur, one in which I claimed I was the second coming of Jesus Christ ready to judge. Afterwards, depression kicked in. I moved back in with mom. After my third episode I gave up on writing, all things about God, and gave into alcohol and weed. These things pacified me and wrapped around my heart like a loose shoelace caught in the bike pedals. I got stuck believing lies about my life: I had tried on my own and failed, I am not marriage material, and I certainly can’t have kids cause I’m crazy and I got papers to prove it. If I could hold down a job and live in a studio the rest of my life then I would be a success. I drank daily for two years.

 

On November 10^th 2006 I got ready for work and went to the parking lot to find that my car had been stolen. I vividly remember the weight and pressure of losing my car, it felt insurmountable. Instantly I felt victimized, lit up my cigarette and cursed around my entire apartment complex hoping to find it. The police confirmed it had been towed and so they were sending an officer over to fill out a stolen car report. But my place wasn’t in any shape for the police to pay me a visit. So, I cleaned at a manic rate.  About 5 minutes into cleaning, somewhere from the far reaches of my mind came a Bible verse I remembered as a child. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

I stopped everything, burst into tears, got on my knees and prayed for the first time in 12 years. I remember thinking to myself Jesus is true, it’s all true I need to reconsider Him. I’ve been lied to. It was a prayer of surrender. I said “Lord Jesus, you say you take burdens, I need that. I give you my broken life and all my pieces. I have tried on my own and failed. I am willing to stop alcohol, weed, cigarettes, lusting, whatever just help me please. Something outside of me is keeping me down. I give you my faith. You paid for my sins at the cross, you are true and you actually have forgiven me now, right now! I don’t need to do anything. I am yours… But I can’t go crazy again, give me something steady that won’t make me freak out on religious crap. And please help me get a car.”

 

I got up, finished cleaning and went to each room saying “Satan and demons have no place here. Get out in the name of Jesus. You have messed with me long enough. I am His. No more depression, gloom you gotta go. In the name of Jesus.” Supernaturally, I started having joy, light heartedness, and the burden of my lost car left me. I kept on talking to Jesus as I cleaned out all my addictive things and took it to the garbage. After a while the cop came, I was completely composed and calm. I filled out the police report. I called my brother the believer telling him “My car was stolen.” He was devastated then I added “its ok because I gave my life to Jesus and now, I have no worries.” He got worried for me thinking it was another hyper religious trip, he was the one who identified me that day in Chicago. I found out later that ever since my first episode he committed to praying for me daily. God answered. I called a friend to take me to work. Within a week my family got together and bought me an ’83 Supra with a doorstop holding up the window. I emptied my life, my calendar and looked up a church in the phone book.

 

That church became an agent of equipping for new life. I confided in the pastor my second week there and he gave me my first memory verse 1 Corinthians 10:13 to pray back to God when tempted to drink, God wrote an incredible story of repentance from alcohol by that verse. I got victory from weed and cigarettes overnight. I got discipled weekly for nearly 2 years. The bible taught me to replace the footholds and strongholds Satan had through addictions with pillars of Truth. It’s not enough to quit pornography, I needed to replace it with purity. Not my definition of purity, but God’s. He’s the Person that asks me to be that pure, He equips me to live it. By faith there is repentance. God is pleased to help me make changes like that. Therefore, He guides me to victorious living. I learned to fight temptation with the strength of the Holy Spirit, not on my own. I depend on Him, I used to think temptation coming was the same as sinning, instead I learned to talk to God when temptation comes. Temptation is a telephone call to the Lord.

 

God loves me so much and answers my prayers! He gave me that steadiness of faith day in day by reading the Bible and finding it trustworthy. No longer was it up to me to be super god. I don't guess who God is anymore, or to listen to others tell me who God is. His Word explains himself to me. The Bible is God’s autobiography. As I read it, tested it out, I found it consistent and trustworthy. I once thought truth was based on a person’s vantage point, but no, truth is based on God. Truth, like God, is unchanging and absolute.

 

As a fatherless kid I was stuck in a merit-based religion leaning on sacraments. God’s forgiveness was a cliffhanger each night. Was I good enough??? But the Bible says nobody’s good enough, there is grace for all at the cross, it's Christ’s merit and works that save -not mine.  There is assurance and certainty in God’s forgiveness because God says it over and over. Living with that promise of forgiveness brings no more guilt and condemnation as I walk with Jesus. Jesus brought me into a relationship with the perfect heavenly Father, Jesus calls me his friend. It's no longer I who live but Christ lives in me, by God’s grace I will look more and more like Him.

 

For a while the spiritual curtain was pulled back and demons had their way in my life. But Jesus who is rich in mercy met me, put me in my right mind, and changed my life. With radical transformation comes great loyalty to my Savior. Jesus heals me, He will heal Anna, He has healed Simon fully. Blessed be the Lord! I don’t doubt because I remember. So, my answered prayer for “faith greater than my sorrow” will last as I abide in Him, until that great day when God promises to put an end to all sorrow. It’s coming, Come quickly Lord Jesus. Thank you Jesus for your rich mercy to me!

love, 

Nic

Please Pray for:

-my extended family, as they receive my french letter of faith and hope in Jesus amid our loss. May it grow and encourage their faith.

-Victor's first birthday a week from Saturday. We will be Dedicating him to the Lord at church that night too. 

-sleep and rest for Lindsey. Victor is still getting up 2-3 times a night and she is not a good napper.