I Never Wanted This

Dear Prayer Warriors, 

In my heart I hear Jesus repeat "I never wanted this", not just for me or for my family. He showed "I never wanted this" to Mary and Martha as they grieved the loss of their brother. God, who is just, gave mankind the consequence of death because of our sins. God made the world sinless, so with every human death God increases in His longsuffering by watching our consequence play out. He calls death His last enemy. in Christ there is a swallowing up of death into victory! But also, the Man of Sorrows weeps with those who mourn, whispering "I never wanted this." Gaining a godly perspective on death has been so important. Those that have sent us books and prayed have this same hope: that we would take a hold of a godly perspective and not miss the mark by Satan's deceptions. Thank you. By God's grace, we hope in the Lord, seek joy, and desire to hear from Him. 

Two mornings ago, I was sharing a cup of coffee with my mother-in-law Sandy before anyone else was up. As we were talking I remembered another instance where Jesus whispered to me "I never wanted this.'' I told Sandy about my teenage memories of the Philippines where I saw total poverty. I visited the trashdump of Manila where thousands of people lived at that time. It was called Smokey Mountain. However, I had money. I flew on planes, toured, stayed in a luxury casino and left after ten days or so. I remember a profound sense of how unjust and angry the issue of poverty made me feel. I naively wanted to trade places just to make it right in my head. Was God the god of Smokey Mountain? Years later, I did a research paper on what the Bible says about poverty. During the process, as I dug, I heard the voice of Jesus saying "I never wanted this."

Simon never wanted people to be homeless, hungry, hopeless, or unloved either. He wanted to do something about it! Given my loss, I find it appropriate to ask myself "what did Simon teach me or point to?" Certainly love for the poor is at the top of that teaching. I am reminded of God's heart for the poor tonight.

Praise the Lord for:

-Victor’s birthday and dedication was a joy. Like the infant Samuel in the old testament who was “returned” to the Lord, offered up, back to God for His purposes. How great did his life turn out? May Victor be a mighty man of God, a conqueror in “oh the blood of Jesus it washes white as snow.”

-my return to full time work, with Lindsey lifting up our kids and loving them through these days. 

-an uneventful recertification for Anna on a medicaid waiver.

-Anna's rescheduled for the hip surgery on friday september 30.

 

Please Pray for:

-God to give me His love for the poor. To help me see them as He sees them.

-Anna’s outpatient surgery/dental work under general anesthesia this morning (Wednesday the 14th). It is always difficult because we tell her "we are going to put you to sleep and take out your teeth." and still there is this element of surprise. May God comfort her, give her peace, and encourage her through this.  Pray she would wake without the need of prolonged oxygen, pray for the blood and pain to be managed well. She is having several teeth removed. May God bring in those adult teeth uniformly as Anna is beautiful!

-God’s leading to move Grandma and Grandpa Bradbeer closer to us. They are eager to help, pray they sell their house and that God would lead them to another house where He wants them to move. 

-guidance and the Lord’s will for our journey. Pray that God would bless us and encourage us as we dearly miss Simon Diamond.

thank you,

Nic for the Currats

Love for the Brokenhearted

Dear Prayer Warriors,

Not to brag, but I just got done with a hot date, we held hands over the table, outlasted the tables around us, and shared a rack of ribs. We made each other laugh a bit, we talked about our relationship with the Lord, and our impressions of the changes in us. It was much needed. We exchanged which parts of our day reminded us of Simon. Mine was ordering the pizza for our babysitters. Call me cheap but I always ordered carry out instead of delivery. Now I’m glad because I have dozens of memories with Simon watching the pizza chefs and picking up those savory pizza. I confess I never had a quarter for the dusty gumball machine in the corner that he always requests we try. Maybe I’ll get a gumball next time in Simon’s honor. Also, I remember, along the way, Simon always offered his list of “top 5 best pizzerias”. The local chain Blackjack’s was always at the top! Whether it's Blackjack’s or date night, there is joy in the journey with or without Simon because God encircles me with His love. 

 

I haven’t written much about being brokenhearted. It’s true I am; my heartbreak is losing my son. On his new album, TobyMac wrote about the loss of his son. One of my favorite lyrics is “God has you in heaven, but I have you in my heart.” The Bible says God is near to the brokenhearted. Since He is near me, I desire to listen carefully. Not just focusing on the mourning or on the moving forward, but right now, in these moments and days. What is God using in my circumstances to minister His love to me?

 

 

 This weekend it was church! I caught up with a lovely couple sitting in the row in front of me minutes before church began. I hadn’t seen them since the beginning of summer -they didn’t know. I saw their hearts break as shock hit their face and I shared my loss. I was caught off guard because most everyone I know, knew. I couldn’t help but weep as the service started. They said “We got no words!” I said, “Thanks, I will see him again.” We shared joyful nods. Then my buddy who I was with proudly stated “It might be soon too.” Expressing our hope in Christ’s return. To me, my friends' add-on at the end was akin to God being near to my broken heart. Sadness comes and then a blessed thought swoops in just because God loves me and cares. Praise the Lord! It was refreshing to think that God could reunite me to Simon without passing through death, wow. I took it as a great encouragement, and worshipped in tears as the service began. It was fitting that we sang the song with the lyric I wrestled with last month “He’ll never let me down.” Literally God is not letting me down out of His arms. Jesus is close to this broken heart!

 

But there was more for this broken-hearted father to glean during that church service. We listened to our shepherd choose to preach the Word amid his trials. His weeks have been ladened with difficulty both for himself and his bride, yet he modeled staying in the Word and prayer to each of us. That’s his assignment from God, he did that just by standing up. The sermon convicted me of my walk with God, to respond and act. I was convicted of procrastination and its similarity to disobedience. If God puts something on my heart to do, I should do it! More precious still in Joshua 20 was the depiction of the Goel Haddam the avenger of blood. This description in the Old Testament points to Jesus in two ways, as redeemer (the Lamb) and avenger of innocent blood (the Lion). All this to say I was comforted, ministered to, and God drew near me as promised. 

 

It humbles me to think that as a couple, my pastor and his wife ministered to Lindsey and I when they did. They came to Simon’s hospital bed to speak life, pray and sing with us in the Springs and in Aurora. We also had another pastor and his wife do the same, and the children’s church leader. I know all the pastors and their families at my church served us, interceded, and showed caring selflessness. It reminds me of all you prayer warriors, praying during this long haul too. God uses His Church to be near the brokenhearted. Hallelujah.

 

Please pray for: 

-Wisdom and organization for the annual recertification of Anna’s Medicaid status on Monday. Lots to prepare, we are so blessed by this coverage. Every year they check to make sure she is still a spastic quadriplegic, visually impaired, epileptic, speechless girl… but God looks at the heart. Let’s pray for the day she would fail recertification!

-Renee. There has been this growing anxiousness in her shown by a clinginess and questions like “when will you be back?” Or “When will we wake up.” She will keep a nervous gaze while rubbing her blanket raw. Pray for her heart to be led by two parents who are patient, and observe well what she needs.

-Victor’s birthday and dedication to be a glorious event this Saturday. To envision Victor being born again and one day meeting Simon in heaven! Amen 

-Increased rest and strength for Lindsey as the demands of our days are many. 

-my writing projects. I was cut to the core at church when considering that I have been procrastinating on two things God laid on my heart to write about a year ago. May I put the football season on hold if I need to find time to write.  

-Pray for the Lord to overwhelm us with His love so we can love Him and others better. 

 

Thank you,

The Currats

God's Biography of Me

 

Dear Prayer Warriors,

My reflections on the last two months keep me encircled on one answer to prayer, that God would give me a faith greater than my sorrow. I remember the Holy Spirit whispering it to me through the form of a prayer request the week after the hospital. It has become a reliable hope through the funeral, in sharing our story, a hope in returning to work and even for the future. In order for me to believe that God would answer this prayer, I have to recount His goodness and reliability in answering my past prayers. Since there have been many new readers and prayer warriors, I wanted to share how I’ve come to trust Jesus with my life more than myself.

 

What does faith look like? The Bible says “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”  I have hope and evidence of Jesus as my Savior. I didn’t always have that.

 

I grew up fatherless, French, and frustrated in Colorado. My mother raised 4 boys and once I got out of hand I was sent to boarding school in France. I rebelled greatly, but became interested in being a Catholic priest in the hopes of curbing that. In high school my social circle revolved around my parish. Unfortunately, so did my understanding of forgiveness. As I grew in sin, and repetition of sin hypocrisy took root. I wanted to be like Jesus but fell in my sins daily. The sacrament of penance (which is the practice of private confession of sins to a priest and the receiving of absolution) was no match for my guilty conscience perpetually mocking me because I didn’t measure up to who I wanted to emulate. There is no certainty of forgiveness, of right standing with God.

 

College was a fresh start. I started by kicking God out of my life, refusing to pray when my heart wanted to and choosing to love all of me. I no longer desired to fight my temptations but to embrace them. I didn’t believe in good vs evil or in sins. Life and faith became what I wanted it to be. Everyone’s got a moral compass and mine’s been a little uptight because of religion. So loosening it became my idol. I embraced what I used to call sin. I mocked religion by creating my own, a god of my conveniences ruled and it was exhilarating for my senses. I lived to worship the present moment.

 

I went to film school and graduated in fiction writing, my output as a writer was manic. Pride and exploring the spirit world were my thematic obsessions. I became spiritual but not religious, a la carte picking from many religions what suits me.  After a trip to Japan where I spent time parading around shrines containing statues of demons depicted by exceptionally talented artists and hung out in temples with gold Buddah’s towering 50-100 feet above me, my mind and my writing started to take off literally. So much so that I lost all acceptance of reality and stepped into what doctors call a psychotic episode. Sounds boring but it was fun; come to find it was critical for me to do this for the sake of the entire human race.

 

I became the last reincarnation of the Buddha sent to break the yin yang balance. I did a sort of spiritual obstacle course one night by cleverly arranging objects in a certain manner (as all objects have spiritual energy or so I thought). Climaxing with me reaching Nirvana by spontaneously combusting during a naked leap of faith off of Chicago’s Belmont harbor. I did all these things soberly with great success except for disappearing into Nirvana so treaded water till sunrise. The next morning, in uptown rush hour traffic I’m naked again. The police come and ask me my name and the date. I said “I have no name and that time did not exist.” My brother who’d given his life to Jesus two years prior filed a missing person’s report and they matched the description to this John Doe under surveillance at Illinois Masonic Hospital ER. My brother came and identified me.

 

The next two years included two more psychotic episodes amid being on antipsychotics and mood stabilizers for a Schizoaffective diagnosis. These episodes came with greater hyper religious delusions of grandeur, one in which I claimed I was the second coming of Jesus Christ ready to judge. Afterwards, depression kicked in. I moved back in with mom. After my third episode I gave up on writing, all things about God, and gave into alcohol and weed. These things pacified me and wrapped around my heart like a loose shoelace caught in the bike pedals. I got stuck believing lies about my life: I had tried on my own and failed, I am not marriage material, and I certainly can’t have kids cause I’m crazy and I got papers to prove it. If I could hold down a job and live in a studio the rest of my life then I would be a success. I drank daily for two years.

 

On November 10^th 2006 I got ready for work and went to the parking lot to find that my car had been stolen. I vividly remember the weight and pressure of losing my car, it felt insurmountable. Instantly I felt victimized, lit up my cigarette and cursed around my entire apartment complex hoping to find it. The police confirmed it had been towed and so they were sending an officer over to fill out a stolen car report. But my place wasn’t in any shape for the police to pay me a visit. So, I cleaned at a manic rate.  About 5 minutes into cleaning, somewhere from the far reaches of my mind came a Bible verse I remembered as a child. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

I stopped everything, burst into tears, got on my knees and prayed for the first time in 12 years. I remember thinking to myself Jesus is true, it’s all true I need to reconsider Him. I’ve been lied to. It was a prayer of surrender. I said “Lord Jesus, you say you take burdens, I need that. I give you my broken life and all my pieces. I have tried on my own and failed. I am willing to stop alcohol, weed, cigarettes, lusting, whatever just help me please. Something outside of me is keeping me down. I give you my faith. You paid for my sins at the cross, you are true and you actually have forgiven me now, right now! I don’t need to do anything. I am yours… But I can’t go crazy again, give me something steady that won’t make me freak out on religious crap. And please help me get a car.”

 

I got up, finished cleaning and went to each room saying “Satan and demons have no place here. Get out in the name of Jesus. You have messed with me long enough. I am His. No more depression, gloom you gotta go. In the name of Jesus.” Supernaturally, I started having joy, light heartedness, and the burden of my lost car left me. I kept on talking to Jesus as I cleaned out all my addictive things and took it to the garbage. After a while the cop came, I was completely composed and calm. I filled out the police report. I called my brother the believer telling him “My car was stolen.” He was devastated then I added “its ok because I gave my life to Jesus and now, I have no worries.” He got worried for me thinking it was another hyper religious trip, he was the one who identified me that day in Chicago. I found out later that ever since my first episode he committed to praying for me daily. God answered. I called a friend to take me to work. Within a week my family got together and bought me an ’83 Supra with a doorstop holding up the window. I emptied my life, my calendar and looked up a church in the phone book.

 

That church became an agent of equipping for new life. I confided in the pastor my second week there and he gave me my first memory verse 1 Corinthians 10:13 to pray back to God when tempted to drink, God wrote an incredible story of repentance from alcohol by that verse. I got victory from weed and cigarettes overnight. I got discipled weekly for nearly 2 years. The bible taught me to replace the footholds and strongholds Satan had through addictions with pillars of Truth. It’s not enough to quit pornography, I needed to replace it with purity. Not my definition of purity, but God’s. He’s the Person that asks me to be that pure, He equips me to live it. By faith there is repentance. God is pleased to help me make changes like that. Therefore, He guides me to victorious living. I learned to fight temptation with the strength of the Holy Spirit, not on my own. I depend on Him, I used to think temptation coming was the same as sinning, instead I learned to talk to God when temptation comes. Temptation is a telephone call to the Lord.

 

God loves me so much and answers my prayers! He gave me that steadiness of faith day in day by reading the Bible and finding it trustworthy. No longer was it up to me to be super god. I don't guess who God is anymore, or to listen to others tell me who God is. His Word explains himself to me. The Bible is God’s autobiography. As I read it, tested it out, I found it consistent and trustworthy. I once thought truth was based on a person’s vantage point, but no, truth is based on God. Truth, like God, is unchanging and absolute.

 

As a fatherless kid I was stuck in a merit-based religion leaning on sacraments. God’s forgiveness was a cliffhanger each night. Was I good enough??? But the Bible says nobody’s good enough, there is grace for all at the cross, it's Christ’s merit and works that save -not mine.  There is assurance and certainty in God’s forgiveness because God says it over and over. Living with that promise of forgiveness brings no more guilt and condemnation as I walk with Jesus. Jesus brought me into a relationship with the perfect heavenly Father, Jesus calls me his friend. It's no longer I who live but Christ lives in me, by God’s grace I will look more and more like Him.

 

For a while the spiritual curtain was pulled back and demons had their way in my life. But Jesus who is rich in mercy met me, put me in my right mind, and changed my life. With radical transformation comes great loyalty to my Savior. Jesus heals me, He will heal Anna, He has healed Simon fully. Blessed be the Lord! I don’t doubt because I remember. So, my answered prayer for “faith greater than my sorrow” will last as I abide in Him, until that great day when God promises to put an end to all sorrow. It’s coming, Come quickly Lord Jesus. Thank you Jesus for your rich mercy to me!

love, 

Nic

Please Pray for:

-my extended family, as they receive my french letter of faith and hope in Jesus amid our loss. May it grow and encourage their faith.

-Victor's first birthday a week from Saturday. We will be Dedicating him to the Lord at church that night too. 

-sleep and rest for Lindsey. Victor is still getting up 2-3 times a night and she is not a good napper. 

Target Hit the Bullseye

Dear Prayer Warrior, 

It's only natural that the world around us moved on, they don't live in our context. At best we are transitioning to a new normal, but often we long for what we had or can't have yet. Loved ones have showered us with kindness, generosity, care and concern, now it's time for them to move on. It's official, we lost our son. What confronts our feelings of great loss as parents is the love of God. He lost His son too. No matter what, we are never alone Jesus is here. The love of God doesn't fail, it has so much mercy that every tear is accounted for; a desperate heart crying to Jesus for help will always have rest in the Almighty. I've said it before, God utilized His children to meet our needs, He could have done it all solo like mana from heaven. However, I noticed that God didn't cut out the middleman for us, the middleman is His children. What a burden for prayer we have become, thank you! Isn't that what eternity will be like? the utilization of His children to do what He wants done? Praise God for such careful love. 

God also used Target. They didn't know it. All of Target leadership believes that you take care of your employees as if we are family. The directive of family is what is exalted here, but who created family and every good thing about family that Target wishes to represent? Check it out, about 20 team members and peers came to the funeral. My store created a volunteer event so my team served everyone at the reception. They paid for half of the food; Their Team Member assistance fund gave me significant help for funeral expenses. They gave me four days of bereavement pay, as much time off I desired to be with my family, they sent condolence cards, printed an article about talking with people you work with who just lost a loved one. Add to that, there were many team members that gave to our crowdfunding page. That is family love stepping up to the plate for sure. Praise God. 

Thank you for praying for my return to work. What a mixed bag. I know everyone is rooting for me, but it feels like there's an elephant in the room that follows me from room to room. Everyone knows, only about one in four people mention anything. Most of my coworkers are extra cheery around me, quick to greet me, and i respond well to that. I feel very famous from the vast majority of people mentioning that their thoughts are with me and my family. I would rather be a nobody if it means more time with Simon. I assume those people give me their "thoughts" because they do not have a belief in an interventionist God who works through prayer. 

There are a handful of coworkers encouraging me by saying they are "praying". Like ones I would never have guessed, so that is cool that my circumstances caused people to cry out to God and spend time with Him, but I would rather them not pray for me if it meant more time with Simon. I'm reminded also of Christians that say, "I'm praying for you" and they don't. That's the ugliest, I used to do that all the time. I think someone's "thoughts" are better than a forgetful Christian. also, I had a peer confide to me she doesn't know what she believes when it comes to God and dying but that "we (my family) have a strong faith." That led to a conversation which placed good seeds in good soil. I had some other conversations about faith too.  To my surprise there were very few that offered condolences. For them, I'm quick to mention "thank you, I will see him again." 

People behave weird around me; they literally don't know what to say, I do get lots of "I can't imagine." People are watching me go through this; they are seeing the sincerity of my faith in Jesus Christ. My suffering isn't just for me and my prayer warriors, it's also cathartic for those watching. By God's grace, people can see me genuinely seeking Jesus and His promises though this. To God be the glory, because I'm firstly writing these things for to keep my emotions in check and my heart open and honest. Lord knows, how Simon's life and death is still impacting others. As the Newsboys famously say, "shine, make them wonder what ya got." 

Thank you for praying for my marriage. Thank you for praying! I continue to be comforted by many loved ones going out of their way for us. The cemetery has become a hang out, a shaded walkway on a hot day, a place to pray, read, sing and listen to the new Toby Mac album. 

We are laying fresh memories on the places Simon used to love going to like the swimming pool, our church, the Hot Wheels aisle, and his favorite parks. I could have a problem with it, but I know he is caught up making heaven memories with people as wild as John the Baptist. 

Please Pray:

-that we would start hippo (horseback) therapy again, it's so good for Anna. It's a hard one for us because Simon was most excited about going there specifically this summer. 

-For me to be still, rested, stayed on the Lord. There is a temptation to keep busy, to create random changes. I feel the Lord just wants me present with Him, my kids and bride. to take a chill pill.

-That I will work with excellence at Target, not given into old roots of discouragement but rather equipped with creativity, vision and compelling. Investing in the team.

-For Renee to relent at bedtime. 

I enjoy having Simon's shoes on our shoe rack still.

In Christ, 

Our Duty

 

Dear Prayer Warriors,

7 “Suppose one of you has a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Will he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, ‘Come along now and sit down to eat’? 8 Won’t he rather say, ‘Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink’? 9 Will he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? 10 So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’” Luke 17

There are people who have been blessed by our faith in seeking the Lord during this time. they encourage us onward in the Lord and that is a good gracious gift. God has given us this assignment, it is our duty to go through this valley. We are Christ's bond servants, meaning that He has set us free. but in doing so we realize that there is no better place to spend our freedom than in the shelter of His wing.  So though we may be tempted to wander off to see what life is awaiting us outside of His care, we don't. Instead we stay committed to Jesus because being in His presence is the grace we need to get through this. 

 I would like to believe that we are being faithful to the assignment we have been given, and that many other God-fearing believers would make these same decisions we have if given this duty to perform. We serve the same God and He is our reward. 

“Woe to those who quarrel with their Maker,
    those who are nothing but potsherds
    among the potsherds on the ground.
Does the clay say to the potter,
    ‘What are you making?’
Does your work say,
    ‘The potter has no hands’?" isaiah 45:9

Lindsey has become an authority on kids books on death. In most of the stories the grandma dies. We bought a whole collection, most of which aren't worth the paper they are printed on because of the humanism in place of God's promises. In some, there are parental warnings to not encourage children to believe that they will see their loved one again, crazy. the guarantee of seeing your loved one again has caused me to see how increasingly beautiful the Gospel message is, the hope that Jesus Christ holds includes me kicking it with Simon Diamond eternal glory edition. 

Lindsey had a powerful time of pressing into the Lord on her own during the retreat. thank you for praying, we got many more books for us adults to read which is good. Also, we decided not to jump into a Grief Share group right away because it might be a great resource down the road as we continue to miss Simon. 

Lindsey picked up some index cards and said "these are for verses to put up around our house as God reveals them to you." praise the Lord for the power of His Word working our grief into belief!!!

I hope this encourages you to know that God has made you for your trials, as He has me for mine. 

thank you for praying and reading

with love, 

Nic for the Currats

My Prayer Helpers and Simon's Helper

dear prayer warriors, 

Thank you for your role in praying. I trust it's a humbling work keeping both your heart and mine soft and before the Lord in this incomprehensible trial.  In wanting to be a person of prayer, I'm quick to think of the IOU's the Currats have amassed through the years. It's humbling to think that I am prayed for more than I've prayed for you.  I know nobody sees it that way except for me, perhaps it's my pride wanting to play tit for tat. please know that if you have a burden for a prayer warrior in your corner, i'm your guy! Let me know how I can pray for you. btw men, i love praying over the phone with brothers on the regular. so if that is something you need call me!

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people." Ephesians 6:18

It is my sincere desire that you are receiving a front row seat to God refining us through our loss of Simon so that it will serve and compel you in your valleys. God is the same, if He did it for me He will do it for you! I will continue to share our needs in prayer along with a slice of my heart so long as it pleases the Lord and glorifies Him. 

In the hospital days of Simon's life, I anguished at what my last words were to him. At the time, I didn't know Simon got bit,  I never saw the snake, I thought he saw a snake and ran over to me scared. Before he collapsed in-front of me there was about 30 seconds when he urinated in his shorts. "Well, if you're going to pee, just pull down your shorts." Said the father of the year. 

As I kept vigil at Simon's bedside late on the third night with a brother in Christ, we pleaded together for healing and I shared those last words with him. His response brought a needed mercy. "you didn't know it would be your last words. you were just being a dad." 

But God was there in the open space where Simon was bit and He inserted Dave into our situation. As I ran holding Simon with Renee not far behind me. I was yelling for help while pleading for Simon to keep his eyes open. Dave and his family live with their backyard facing the open space. Dave's son heard me and within minutes, Dave came around with his jeep and brought us out to the intersection where the first responders would treat Simon. 

Dave heard me cry out to Jesus, he heard me pleading with Simon while I held Renee on the bumpy ride out of the field. We got Simon out of his jeep and laid him on the ground, all throughout I was praying, inviting the Lord to rescue Simon. Dave was checking for a pulse, we heard the sirens approaching, the breathing was getting very shallow. About ten days later, Dave and I recounted our accounts of the event, I confided the story of my last words to him. He replied "no, no Nic. Those weren't the last words I heard, the last words to Simon that he was awake enough to hear was 'that's strength Son, good job keep breathing." that ministered sweetly to my broken heart. 

Dave and I continue to meet. He is a retired military person (who led soldiers) with time on his hands. He noted that he served in Afghanistan and was in several traumatic situations but never heard someone pray like I did that night. I don't say this for myself but because Simon's life changed people. He said he has neglected his prayer life, and needs to pray. Another thing he repeats often in our conversations was that he replays the events often, wondering where he could have done something differently. He wishes he could have done more, the situation that he chose to insert himself into didn't end well. When this comes up, I point out that he continues doing more to help by helping me and that he was brave to respond.   

I greeted Dave at Simon's funeral just before it started. The next time we hung out, he said "I didn't stay. It was too much.`` But instead of going home, Dave went to Pikes Peak Community college to enroll in EMT/paramedic school wearing funeral clothes. He hopes to find himself in situations where he will be used by God to bring back life. I told him that that honors Simon. 

praise God for:

-Dave and all the first responders who wanted to help Simon! 

-for the timeless mechanism of prayer drawing from our depths the will of God for His Kingdom come. What a loving, listening Father is my God.

-Anna's surgery for her teeth is scheduled for September 15th. not many months out like i expected!

-we have all returned to better health. 

-Lindsey has given me a good report of finding good time and space this weekend at her retreat. though there are many Eeyores attending the retreat. She has found playing hooky at times to be refreshing.   

please pray for:

-Dave as he starts school this week. For his family, he has three boys and a bride as they adjust to him as a student again. 

-our relationship to grow into a faith building one in Jesus.

-my return to work on Tuesday. I'm transitioning to 5 hour work days for two weeks.

-Lindsey. returning to school went from a sweet expectation with homeschooling Simon in the first grade back down to preschool with Renee.

-for wisdom and direction regarding Anna's school. We have been discouraged from applying to the school of the blind by their educator because Anna is too medically involved and because our hope was for attending only a few days a week. We enrolled Anna at the local elementary school and started the process to see if that school would be a good fit. 

-the celebration of Victor's first birthday on September 10th. It just so happens that our church is doing baby dedications that night so we are going for the twofer. This will be our first family celebration without Simon. May God give extra grace that day. 

praying in thanksgiving for all of you by name,

Nic

Location, Location, Location

 

Dear Praying Warrior,

 

Upon my return from a hike with a friend, I took one glance at my bride and realized she was not given the same time, company, and space I had. Instead, after a largely sleepless night, she woke up and cared for our three kids while I had a time of fellowship and sunshine. It's a sacrifice she made because she knows how much it fills me up. But now, being back home, I endeavored to help in any way I could.

 

I felt the heaviness lingering even with my help. Lindsey shared with me, "you know there is literally a memory of Simon in every inch of our house."

 

 I replied, "yeah, for sure. Well, do you want to move?" 

 

Lindsey looked at me saying, "where, to heaven?"

 

I agreed that nothing else will do, but for now maybe something on the west side. Our exchange got me thinking about heaven some more. I was reminded of a verse I glossed over often and wondered if it would be a comfort to Lindsey. Its Ephesians 2:6 "And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus," I used to think that it means that right now I’m actually up there worshiping God and it’s a matter of faith to be able to see me doing it. Wouldn't that help Lindsey and I if we could literally see ourselves seated up there watching what Simon is up to? So why can’t I feel it? I’m not in that place at all, I can’t be in two places at once?

 

 I was clumsy with God’s Word. I didn’t understand what the author was trying to say, in reading some commentaries and seeing the context, this verse is the nectar of my being found in Christ. This verse says that we are so bonded in Jesus that His being at the right hand of the Father in heaven, places us there too. 

 

In the New Covenant, made by the body and blood of Jesus, God gives the Person of the Holy Spirit to the believer so that they become the temple that God dwells in on earth. What I’m now seeing from this verse in Ephesians is that it goes both ways. Since Jesus sits in heaven, so do I. Therefore, it’s not hard for me to imagine that Simon is making memories over every inch of heaven right now just like he did when he was down here.

 

This heavenly connection reminds me of an idea I read about that goes like this: when I pray, I am engaging in a two-way “phone call”. I may be on my knees in the living room next to the droppings of kinetic sand Renee left everywhere or at the feet of Simon’s bed thinking of loss, holding the motionless things that held his affections. That is my end of the prayer line, the other end of the line is the Throne Room in heaven:

 

“At once I was in the Spirit, and there before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it. ³ And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne. ⁴ Surrounding the throne were twenty-four other thrones, and seated on them were twenty-four elders. They were dressed in white and had crowns of gold on their heads. ⁵ From the throne came flashes of lightning, rumblings and peals of thunder. In front of the throne, seven lamps were blazing. These are the seven spirits of God. ⁶ Also in front of the throne there was what looked like a sea of glass, clear as crystal.” Revelation 4:2-6

 

Being found in Jesus, in Heaven, means I ought to pray with worship! I should pray with eternal things in mind, at the very least I should be aware of God’s current whereabouts while I am tempted to unload from my end dark valley in comparison.

 

Lastly, I wanted to mention how powerfully God continues to speak to me even when I am going about my days. I have been on walks with Anna often at night while singing. A couple of nights ago God reminded me of this song below, I recalled each verse to my surprise, what words! It's as if the author had a 6-year-old boy who got bit by a snake and died but God continued to Shepherd him.

 

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord, is laid for your faith in God's excellent Word! What more can be said than to you God hath said, to you who for refuge to Jesus have fled? 2 "Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed, for I am thy God, and will still give thee aid; I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand. 3 "When through the deep waters I call thee to go, the rivers of sorrow shall not overflow; for I will be near thee, thy troubles to bless, and sanctify to thee thy deepest distress. 4 "When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie, my grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply; the flame shall not hurt thee; I only design thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine. 5 "The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose, I will not, I will not desert to its foes; that soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake, I'll never, no, never, no, never forsake."

Praise God for:

-His great love and support through the Church. Thank you for your many prayers, generous giving, child care, and practical help. For your willingness to continue as we continue.

-Counseling being a help, pray for the application of what the Lord would want for us based on the counseling recommendations.

-Renee’s new bed. Bringing a new direction in the room they shared. she has yet to sleep in it but her excitement is wonderful.

-Anna’s new BI-PAP machine, we had been praying all year for a replacement after the recall, its here and she is doing great adjusting to it.  

 

Please Pray for:

-Lindsey’s retreat this weekend. For God to minister to her heart and feelings through the fellowship and openness of other mothers who lost a child and still praise God. We find ourselves getting closer to accepting our membership into the club of parents who lost children.  

-our general health. Victor, Anna, and Lindsey all seem off with various acute symptoms. Pray that the Lord would give us rest especially for Lindsey.  

-open or closed doors, wisdom to consider moving or not.

-a dream or vision from the Holy Spirit revealing Simon’s great heavenly disposition as a means to help us let go, if it pleases the Lord to do so.

Thanks, 

Nic, Lindsey, Anna, Renee, Victor